(FRENETIC PIANO MUSIC) (SMASHING) (TYRES SQUEAL) Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator of media properties... Consolidator, consolidator... No! (HORNS HONK) Globodyne's a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval, focusing on fibre-optic content provision. It's a synergy of web-based and platform-based Unix-driven delivery systems. OK, I made that last part up. ALL LAUGH We spent months on this trip. I just assumed you knew you needed a passport to get into Russia. But... if I should have told you, then, I'm really sorry, Mr Fairbanks. It's not my fault airport security strip-searched you. Maybe you shouldn't have made that joke, you know? I... Hun, fire. You know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna load you up with drinks... Blanca, can you make this little man something to eat? Oh. (SPEAKS SPANISH) (SPEAKS SPANISH) (BARKS) You sure about this? The trainer said it's just a minor annoyance. He said it just reminds him to be a little less vocal. (BARKS / "CRACKLES" / WHIMPERS) (FRENETIC MUSIC CONTINUES) Hey, Dick. Morning, Joe. That a new car? It's the new Mercedes S500. You can only special order these from Germany. How's it run? Well, it's a Mercedes. Check this out. Mercedes, on. (ENGINE RUMBLES) Yeah, well, watch this. Beemer,... sit. Stay. Play dead! Good boy! That's cute, Dick. Mercedes, off. (ENGINE CEASES) (HORNS HONK / ALARM BLEEPS) It's come to our attention departments have run into situations. Situations. The big boys want to see you upstairs. Which floor? 20th...? 26th? 32nd...?! Not the 51st?! Yes! Ohhhh! Congratulations, Mr Harper! Er,... go ahead and wrap this up. OK. How do I look? Great. Anything in my teeth? No. I need a paper bag. (LIFT DINGS) Hey, Oz! Dick. Morning. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Sure is... Yeah. Yeah. Hey, er, did you hear about Bill? Oh, yeah. That's, er, that's wild. Yeah. Yeah. I, er, wonder, I wonder who's gonna take his place. That's... the big mystery. Yeah. (LIFT DINGS) You getting off? Not this time, Oz. (ANGRILY) Sonofabitch! (LIFT DINGS) # I believe I can fly # I believe I can touch the sky # Every night and every cloudy day # Spread my wings and fly away # I believe I can soar # Catch me going through that open door # I believe I can fly # # I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! # I believe! I believe! I believe! (SHRIEKS) # (LIFT DINGS) (CHATTER) That's it... (CHUCKLES) Yeah! Hello. I'm, er,... ..Dick Harper. And I'm here to see Jack McCallister. Oh, well, that's him now. Sorry. He had to step out. (HELICOPTER WHIRRS) Dick! Damn glad to finally see you up here. Hey,... man! Frank Bascombe, CFO. Nice to meet you, Frank. Nice to meet you. Wow. Listen, Dick. Jack's very sorry that he couldn't be here to congratulate you... Oh - ..on becoming the new VP of Communication. Are you...? Wow! Yeah. Holy, er... Thank you! No, no. But also, he wanted to invite you to his house for an orientation meeting on Monday morning. Mm-hm... Dick, Ann's got the address. Alright. Sure, I'll get that. OK. Ann... (Thanks.) Sure. And, er, thank you,... Frank. Wow. Cool exit. How do you like your eggs? '(ROCK MUSIC)' Pardon me! "Ours is an age of unmeasured prosperity." "Despite setbacks..." You know what? What? You should quit your job. Quit my job? Yeah. Well, do you even know what you're getting paid? I mean, I can't quit my job. Well, not specifically, but... Bob got VP last month. He's making 150 plus bonuses. Come on, you wanna spend more time with Billy. Do it. Just go ahead and do it. (GIGGLES) Do it! Come on. (SHRIEKS) (SIGHS) You know what we should do? What? (SIGHS) We should have sex... Hmm. ..on Saturday. I'll buy candles. I'll pick up the new Starbucks sampler with Sade. Oh, you animal! It's gonna be so wild! Yeah. # "Smooth Operator" - Sade # Diamond life... Thank you. # ..Lover boy... Just, er, make yourself at home. Ohh, right. # We move in space, minimum waste # And maximum joy # No need to ask, he's a smooth operator... # Dick! (MUSIC CEASES ABRUPTLY) Yeah! Mr McCallister! (LAUGHS HEARTILY) Dick! Hey, call me Jack. Likewise. With... my name. Dick, I mean. Man,... Dick Harper. Dick Harper. (CHUCKLES) Dick Harper playin' the harp. Harpo Marx playin' the jew's-harp. DH... DH...! You're my designated hitter! Dick Harper, I need you to step up and knock one outta the ballpark. Gone! Yeah! You ever have a nickname? Er... well, er, it was, er,... erm, Squirt. The Squirt - something about how I was conceived, I don't know. We gonna think of something. Any trouble finding the place? No, sir. And by the way what an absolutely beautiful home you have. So my lawyer says to her lawyer, "If she thinks she's getting the yacht, she's a little dinghy!" He loves that one. Ohhh! The point is, we need somebody who projects confidence in the position. We've seen how you handle yourself. You've been a great cheerleader. So we were thinking that, er... Well, you go ahead and tell him. No, you go ahead. What's up, guys? Come on. Don't hold out on me here. What? We want you to go on MoneyLife this afternoon and announce our quarterly projections. Oooh! You're the guy. We have faith you can get our positive spin out there. Right. Positive... spin. These are fickle times, Dick. We need to stick together as a team. Like my daddy always used to say... (BIRD SHRIEKS IN DISTANCE) Well, you can count on me, sir. I mean, I can't tell you how happy I am. Thank you. Hey, how were those eggs Florentine? Best I've ever had. Good answer. (CHUCKLES) "I'm on the plane right now! And do you know what's in front of me?!" "Do you know?! A kosher meal! A kosher meal!" "How many times do I need to tell you? I don't need a kosher meal!" "I'm Episcopalian! No, you, miss,... no, you grow up!" Er, Phyllis, can I talk to you for a minute? Erm,... it's personal. "(CONTINUES TO RANT)" Wow. Never actually had make-up on. I'm happy for you. Hi. Hi. Where's Sam? Ah, Washington. These are your talking points. They were faxed over. And Sam is on the line for you. Oh. Hey. "Hello, Mr Harper." Hey, Sam! How you doing? Nice talking to ya. I thought you were gonna be here. "I hear it's beautiful out there." Oh, that's the thing about - "OK, Dick, we're on in five." Oh, sure. Three,... two. "(FANFARE PLAYS)" "Today we're talking with the new VP of communications at Globodyne." "How you doin', Dick?" Just terrific, Sam. Thank you for asking. And so's Globodyne, by the way. "Ah-ha." "Now, Dick, er, tell me, what is the shareholder to make of the fact that Jack McCallister, your CEO, has unloaded a considerable share of his stocks?" I think CEOs... sell their stocks for many reasons, Sam,... ..both professional and personal. "Actually over the past year, Jack McCallister has sold 80% of his holdings through shell companies." "How do you explain that?" The reasons for doing that would be... Oop, losing you there. Hold on. "(BLEEPING)" The reasons for doing something like that would be, er,... could be many. Er, both,... er,... um... "(GRAPHICS CONTINUE TO BLEEP)" "There's also talk of some Globodyne documents being subpoenaed, specifically those of your CFO, Frank Bascombe." (GROANS) "Now joining us with his insights is presidential hopeful, Ralph Nader." (GASPS) Really?! Hi, Ralph. Er, big fan. Love your stuff! "Wish I could say the same. But I don't know how you sleep at night." Um - "Corporations like Globodyne pervert the American dream." Uh - "They leverage our future so the super-rich get richer." "You are a disgrace!" Ralph, I don't know where you're getting your sta-tis-tics... I can say that in my estimation... "(BLEEPING FLATLINES)" ..Globodyne is completely transparent. And we'd be more than willing to share any and all documentation. (ALL CHATTER) What is going on? Will somebody tell me what the heck is...? (SHOUTING) Hey, there's a fire! Somebody should... OK. Whoa! This can't be good...! (SHREDDERS WHIRR) Outta my way! Hey, that's my ficus! My ficus! You're not even from this floor! Help! Security! (CHATTER / WHIRRING CONTINUES) (SIGHS) What's going on? Oh, so Dick finally wants to know what's going on... (CHUCKLES) Frank?! Methinks somebody made a boo-boo. Maybe we didn't know how to use Quicken. Yeah, that could be it! Frank! Frank, try to focus. OK? What's happening to Globodyne? Globodyne? Yeah. Wh-What happened, Frank? We took... our shifting losses... Yeah. ..and we put them into businesses... Yeah? ..that we actually owned. Mm-hm...? And in the balance sheet it showed... profit. But actually there was... ..debt. What the hell?! You're sick! I want you to hit me. Frank, let go of me now. I want you to hit me. Let go. You're scaring me. Hit me. FRANK! Get off! "And I have the 6,000 greatest partners a man could ask for." (GASPS / WHIMPERS) Mr McCallister? I don't know what to tell ya, buddy! We're just a cell in a much larger organism called the global economy! Weak companies have to die so that stronger companies can get stronger! It's just nature! Nature? What? You ever read Walden Pond? It's all in there! You send him a copy of the tape. What about the other employees, sir? They're gonna be fine. Don't go there. This is America, the land of opportunity! I don't know, sir! With all due respect, this doesn't feel right. Step away from the rotors now, boy! They're gonna chop your head clean off now! # "Right Place, Wrong Time" - Dr John # I been in the right place # But it must have been the wrong time # I'd have said the right things # But I must have used the wrong line # I've been in a bad place... # 1 Honey? I'm home. Ohh! And the Vice President is home! Ohhhhhh! Mmm-hmm. I see you got them digging the hot tub. (GASPS) I know. Yes, I called the guy, they came right out! Wow! That almost... never happens. I know. We're so lucky. (BELL RINGS) (SHRIEKS) Dinner's ready! (SIGHS) Look at it! Oh, my gosh! LOOK! Wow! I did it and it's perfect! My gosh! That could feed a family of four. Oh, I mean,... I, in my... Look at that, Billy! Jeez! I'm surprised you left off the hooves! Uh,... you know, before we get into that, I-I have some wonderful news. Momma quit her job! YA-A-A-A-AY! I did! I did! Isn't that great? Oh, my gosh! That's incredible! The timing of it, it was just beautiful, Dick. Oh, thank you! I just, I just did it! N... Ohhh-ho, oh, boy...! Oh! And now, you know what? I can spend so much more time with my little beautiful boy. Yeah. Now, what's your news, big Mr VP? I have... something of an announcement to make. It turns out that a very wonderful opportunity has just presented itself in the form of... me not necessarily working at Globodyne any more. Were you fired? I wasn't fired. Globodyne tanked. Dick! "Fired"! What do you mean? How could that happen? Hmm? They-They ju... Uh, they just gave you a promotion! There is nothing to worry about. I'm gonna get my severance, money from my pension. We're fine. I am a winner. Billy, tell her your father, he's a winner. (SPEAKS SPANISH) See? Si. (BELL RINGS) (WHISTLES) Hey! Our first day at home together...! Hey. Let's have a big family breakfast. Oh, gosh, honey! Billy's already gone to school. I got that Mommy-and-Me lunch thing. Oh. Are you gonna look for a job? You know what? I think I might just take this day. Great! I do, I think that you should. But, listen, I gotta go pick up that thing at the thing. Uh, baby, I gotta go. Gotta go. Sorry. OK. Good. I'll see you later, baby. Yeah. Have a really good time. Bye. (SIGHS) # "What I Got" - Sublime # Early in the morning # Rising to the street... (MUTTERS) # Light me up that cigarette # And I'll strap shoes on my feet # Got to find the reason # Reason things went wrong # Got to find the reason why my money's all gone... (GRUNTS / CLATTERING) OK... # ..Life is too short so love the one you got # Cos you might get run over or you might get shot... # Hmm? Hm? There you go. Cheers. "Former CFO, Frank Bascombe, has been indicted on charges of fraud and money laundering." "Investigators say all roads lead to Mr Bascombe." "And no evidence has yet to link former CEO, Jack McCallister, to this growing scandal." "We've all had to make sacrifices." "I sold my place in Jackson Ho... No, er,... Martha's Vineyard." Oh, shut up! (WHINES) Hey, bud. Hey, hey, hey! It can't be that bad, can it, bud? (WOOFS SOFTLY) (WOOFS LOUDLY / "CRACKLES") (BARKS) "(CRACKLES)" (SHRIEKS) Oh! God! Oh, you know it! Uh,... so can I send you a resume? I got a terrific one here. You'll love it. Do you have a fax number? So, there are no new openings at this time? Right. And what about the near future? Uh-huh! Yeah? Sure,... I could stop calling. This afternoon...? OK, I'll be there. Bye. Hun? Yeah? I got an interview. Pyramid Tech. (GASPS) I was really starting to wonder there... Hey! Hold on! Hey! Dick. Oz! (GASPS / GROANS) (SCREAMS) Wanna go get a drink? You buying? Sure. Harper? Yeah? DICK HARPER! Yeah. You don't have to stand in line. Come on with me! Hey, Oz, rain check. (ANGRILY) SONOFABITCH! (ALL CHATTER IN SPANISH) Hector, what's going on?! What,... what happened?! Your cheque go bouncy-bounce. But it's OK. I heard what happened to your husband. Not everybody can afford landscaping like this. Hector, please! I am sorry, Miss Jane. Oh, no! No! No! No, no, no! This is all... Everything, it's all wrong! I want this out! Roll it all up! I ordered Kentucky blue grass! This... is... green! DICK HARPER! What a stroke of luck! Ah, jeez! Uh-huh...! Um,... I'm sorry, I don't remember where you know me from. Oh, I don't know you. I just saw you spaz out on MoneyLife. OH, MY GOD! That was great! Hey, some of the fellas would like to meet you. Hello, Dick. I can't believe it's really you! Oh, my God! It's him! Did you bring your sta-tis-tics...?! Hey, Dick, we have an expression when someone makes a mistake. It's called, "pulling a Dick". Up high! Up high! Have you seen DickHarper's@Tool.com? You'll love it! This is dynamite. Dynamite! Check this out... "I don't know where you're getting your sta-tis-tics, sta-sta-sta-tis-tics!" Who is that? Oh, is that you? It's you! Can we just get on with the job interview? We couldn't hire you! We just wanna take your picture! OK, everybody, little bit closer. They're gonna love this at the club. (ALL) Sta-tis-tics! Hey. How'd it go? Oh, not too bad. Um,... it was good practice. What are you doing? Er, going through our finances. Er, I'm not sure but it seems that we may be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick. Well, sure, our financial bounce-back has taken a little bit longer than expected. But,... you know, that's natural. Our lawn was repossessed today. I didn't know they could do that. Now, um, I think that maybe it's time that you should start thinking about accepting something a little bit lower than a vice presidency. No. It took me 15 years to get a VP-ship. If I step back now, I'll lose everything I worked for. Suck it up for a couple of months. In a couple of months, we'll be declaring bankruptcy. Oh, come on! Our-Our savings,... look. Our savings was in Globodyne stock. Jesus! And look, our pension was in Globodyne stock. Everything was in Globodyne stock! Ma! (WITH SPANISH ACCENT) The lawn is covered with dirt! It is so much fun! I have made a mudman! Now, Billy is looking at the glass half full. Hun, relax. We've got 600 grand. Where?! We're standing in it. Our house. Since Globodyne, the local property market crashed, Dick! If we sold our house today, we would actually owe the bank 150 grand! I knew it. It was churning in my gut and I didn't listen. This would be OK... Ya know...? You said we could afford this house. I know what I said. We could re-mortgage, put in a pool, re-do the kitchen! Yes, I said that. And now we are on the verge of losing the house! Lose the house, Billy loses all sense of security. And later on never be able to have a relationship. So he'll spend his whole life alone, there he'll be, alone! Nobody with him, just like a bum! Hun? (GRUNTS) You need a paper bag? You said everything was gonna be OK. (ELECTRICAL FIZZLING / VACUUM CEASES) Mr Dick! Something wrong with the electricity! Well, if you're gonna do it,... be the best. Hi! I'm Lucy. And I'll be your KostMart training team leader. And I am so happy to welcome you to the KostMart team. We work hard but we play hard also. We'll all have a good time here. Because at KostMart we're more than a store, we're family! Now, before we get started, I'm gonna need you all to piss in one of these cups. (TOILET FLUSHES) Whoa. It's taking a little while. Just relax. I've been married for 20 years. I know what it looks like. You want me to get you a cola? (It's just hard to do it while you're standing there, watching.) I could sell you my pee for $100. I've been off the pipe for two years. Thank you, Jesus! Unfortunately we don't have any positions available in Pilates or yoga. But we are looking for a Jeet Kune Do instructor. Yes! I mean, that's... Oh, my... I thought... I, I didn't even... I didn't say that?! I was born... doing... that. Hi! Welcome to KostMart. Watch. Hi! Welcome to KostMart. Check out our make-up counter on aisle 12B. Welcome to KostMart. Check out our CDs. Garth Brooks on sale, aisle 51. Welcome to KostMart. Your local... gun emporium. Aisle 42, hunting gear. And the next thing I knew, I was wearing it. Oh. Well, Jane! Hey, Veronica. Hi. How are you? Good. Good. I didn't know you worked out here. Hello, ma'am. Welcome to KostMart. Take a trip by the deli counter for a complimentary cube of jalapeno cheddar. I'm lactose intolerant! Where do you keep the cigarettes? Behind the counter. But I'm not sure that's a good - Dick, you missed one. I'll get it. I'll get it, I'll get it. Wait, ma'am. Ma'am. (CHUCKLES) Welcome! Here we go. Hi. Hi. Um,... my name's Jane. And I'll be your instructor today for, uh,... beginners' Jin Ku Pow. So le-let's just get right into it. Here we go. "(DANCE MUSIC BOOMS)" We're just gonna loosen up a little bit. Here we go. Yeah. There we go! And ho. And hit. Excuse me! Ma'am! (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) And jab, and jab. Ha-haa! Now I got ya! Get this! Ooh! Aagh! (SPLUTTERS) Punch. And punch. Step. And kick. (ALL GASP / SHRIEK) (GROANS / SQUEALS) Aiii! It burns! I saw ya, eyeballin' me when I came in! You were all up in my goodies! You know something, I'm glad you fired me! How's a person meant to survive and feed their family on that salary? (BLEEPS) It's a lease. # "Why me, Lord?" - Johnny Cash I don't why we didn't think of this before. It's such a good idea. But we're sorry we couldn't pay you. I mean, we have no money. It's OK. Your son is very important to me. I'd do anything for him, Mr Richard. Well, in the meantime, thank you for letting us pay you in appliances. Yeah. Congratulations. Mm-hm. Thanks. Hey, think about how many places you'll see on one tank of gas. # Lord, help me, Jesus... # You want me to drive? Yeah. # So help me, Jesus # I know what I am # Now that I know # That I've needed you so # Help me, Jesus # My soul's in your hands... Here it is! # ..Try me, Lord # If you think there's a way... It's alright. We can live without it. People lived without them for thousands of years. There goes the boxing match. You could go to a bar. Go! It's rigged anyway. (SPEAKS SPANISH) What are you doing with the TV?! Ohhhh,... hi. Um... You're going to sell it! No! Billy! (ALL SHOUT) Go! Just go! Go-Go-Go! Grab him, Blanca! Grab him! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (SHRIEKS) > Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry, hurry, hurry! (SHRIEKS) Oh, Billy! Ohh, God! Just go! Go! Go! (TYRES SQUEAL) # ..Now that I know that I needed you so # Help me, Jesus # My soul's in your hands # What are we gonna do? We've run out of things to sell. Well,... there's always prostitution. (Dick!) I mean me. We just gotta look for more work. That's all. There is no work, Dick. There's 6,000 others outta work. VPs are working at Burger King! It's gonna be fine. All we need is $400 and we're good for another month. This is just temporary. (OK.) So, stay calm. (OK.) And don't panic! (GASPS) Damn! (BARKING) Erm,... are you going to sit in the dirt hole all night long? Come on, hun, let's get out. (SIGHS) Yeah. I'm starting to turn into a raisin anyway. What's the matter? You look sad, Richard. Blanca? Hm? Call me Dick. Well, Blanca, there's just no jobs out there. I have a cousin who might be able to help you find some work. It's no much. But it's a something. (ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC) I need one guy who knows how to paint. (ALL SHOUT) That's me! Andale! I got it! I got it! Ah! I'm here! Hey, I was here first! (GROANS) Congratulations, you almost got that one. (GRUNTS) Don't worry, there'll be more. I think that thing is already starting to swell up like a balloon! (SLURS) Is it noticeable? No. Just a little bit. Did you see that? We should report that guy. (ALL LAUGH) "Report him"! We must report him! Let's report him! I do it for you. (ALL LAUGH) This is a new drug in the same family of Botox. We don't expect any problems. A cheque for $14 is waiting for you at the desk. And we think you are all going to look beautiful. (MONKEY SCREECHES) (GLASS SMASHES) OK. Now, if you can begin by filling out those forms... Those are... insurance waivers. (SCREECHING) You'll find a list of various aspects of your face. Check off anything that you think you might want to improve on. (GUITAR MUSIC RESUMES) (SLURS) Are deuces still wild? (ALL) No. I'm screwed. (SIGHS) You lost, amigo. Well, I think I'm gonna go, guys. Carlos. Eduardo. Gustavo. Mucho gusto, Dick. Pleasure talking to you. (TYRES SCREECH) Very good. (ALL CHATTER) INS! Alright, hold it right there! INS? Hold it right there! Who-Whoa-Whoa! You're not goin' anywhere! Hold it right there! You have to be kidding me! Oh, this is hilarious. You know the drill. Let's see some papers. You gotta be kidding me! Where'd my wallet go?! Where'd my wallet go?! Papers! Hey! No-No, I dropped my wallet. My wallet. Oh, these are doozies. What you got? We got a Don Johnson,... Elvis and Opie Taylor. OK. Dick Harper you're free to go. Dick Harper?! That's me! Hey-Hey! Hey, that's not Dick Harper! Hey! We don't want problems, alright? (SLURS) You're making a serious mistake, sir. I am an American. Work on your accent, Pablo. You wanna talk to my wife, Yane? Yeah, we'll call your wife, Yane, and ask her if you're American. Then we'll call my wife, Yennifer, and his wife, Yaqueline, too. It's ringing! It's ringing. (PHONE RINGS) Ola. Get in! (SLURS) Wait! I'm an American! I swear to Fad! Watch your language! Get in there! OK. We have our results. Negative side effects with only 3 of 14 participants in the study. (PHONE RINGS) That's not bad. Let's see now... Hello. Dick! Oh, Honey, I can barely under... What? Why are you doing that accent? (FLAMENCO MUSIC) Hooo,... hooo. (TRILLS) (GASPS / MUTTERS) (WHISTLES) (ALL SHOUT) Oh! Vamonos! Vamonos! (SHOUTS / SIREN WAILS) Uh-oh! (SIRENS WAIL) Ugh! Holy hell! I did this little cosmetics test and I had a little reaction. Is it really that bad? No, it's not so bad. It's just... different. Hey, Dick, can we discuss this some other time? Yeah. Come on, come on! Go, go, go! OK, OK. 1 I gotta go in. I gotta go to bed. Are you coming? (SLURS) I think I'm gonna sit in the car... and think for a while. OK. Don't think for too long, we gotta get up early. Soup kitchens stop serving at eight. (You're still pretty.) # "Time Bomb" - Rancid # If you wanna make a move, then you better come in # It's just the ability to reason that wears so thin # Living and dying and the stories that are true # Secrets to a good life is knowing when you're through... I'm not playing any more! I've just about had it! # ..The boy's a time bomb # Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac, yeah # The boy's a time bomb # Yeah, the boy's a time bomb... Sorry! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Oh, my God, I'm heartily sorry for having offended Thee! (SHOUTS) It's OK! I'm putting it back! Putting it back! It's OK! # ..The boy's a time bomb # Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac, yeah # The boy's a time bomb # Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac, yeah # The boy's a time bomb # Oh, time bomb! # (GROANS) What?! Oh! Hun,... what happened?! I got the lawn back. You got...? Oh, Dick,... it's beautiful! Oh, honey! (SIGHS) (BOTH SIGH) Oh, Dick, I love you! (SLURS) I love you. (BOTH) Ow! I just... (BOTH WINCE) Ah... Ah...! (GRUNTS) (WHIMPERS) Are these too big for my face? Uh-huh. Now you look like the Unabomber. Good. What are you doing with Billy's squirt gun? We followed the rules and we got screwed. We were good people, honest people... and we got screwed! Damn it! (CHUCKLES) What are you gonna do now? You gonna rob a bank or something? We got screwed over and over again, hun. I stole the lawn back and ya know what happened? We have a lawn now. Yeah, but - Shh! Oh, oh... We're all just cavemen, trying to protect our little patch of land. Well, now I have a club. And I'm gonna take what I need. Maybe you should steal some Prozac. Keep laughing, Jane. Keep laughing, OK? I'll be back soon... with the loot. Oh, no, no, no. I'm coming. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Suit yourself. Besides, you're gonna need a good wheelman. (PANTS RAPIDLY) OK, that's it, joke's over. Let's go home. No, no. We haven't done the caper yet. Wow. OK, will you... Then-Then, let's do it before we die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Wait! When you're in there will you get me some Sno-Caps? No, Raisinets! Raisinets... (SIGHS) Hun! Your thingamabob. I know! Alright. I know. And don't forget to kill the witnesses, hun. OK? "(BLEEPS)" Hi. (LAUGHS) (GASPS) Brain freeze! Ever get that? One brain freeze. Anything else? Mm-hm. Yeah. Yeah, I got something... else. (WHIMPERS) Right here! Hey, AJ, take a break. I got this one. (GRUNTS / GASPS) That'll be $1.29, please. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) $1.29! (FRANTIC MUSIC) GO! JANE, GO! JUST GO! (GASPS / GIGGLES) Oh, God! You did it?! Oh, there that is. That was wild! That was WILD! You actually robbed that place?! No, but I had a Slushee and I didn't even pay for it. (LAUGHS) Well, then, our problems are pretty much over! Jane, just drive the car, OK? We'll find another place, OK? (GRUNTS) Gimme your money! GARTH! Dick?! Oh, my God! Remember Jane? She's in the car. Jane? Hi, Garth. Hun, it's, er, er, Ga-Garth! What is this? From the barbecue! Harper, what are you...? I had you going there! Had me goin'? You scared me to death! (GASPS) You're a madman! We should hang out soon. Alright. Yeah. Wanna hang out with Garth soon? Alright. Alrighty. Drive. Just drive. Just drive the car. OK, Dick. OK... (CHUCKLES) My car's right there. Thank you, sonny. Oh, no, I... Well, maybe... (CHUCKLES) 1 Oh! OK, stop the car! Now, that place is loaded. They are ripe for the picking. Uh-huh. And you are just the guy for the job. Seriously, doesn't this remind you of that movie with Val Kilmer? I'm trying my best here. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Some people, some people have that robbing thing and some people don't. Maybe... you're not a badass. (BELL RINGS) Hey, man, what can I do you for? You can do me for all the money in the till. This is a stick-up! Whoa, what's wrong with you, dude? I'm married, that's what's wrong! Oh my God! Oh my God! Move it, paraquat! Uh... COME ON, ZIG-ZAG! (GROWLS) He's got a little gun and he's robbing me! Dick?! Hun, robe! Hmm? Oh, God! OK. Sweetheart, listen, OK? What are you doing? Are you crazy? What do you mean, what am I doing? Put your hands down. He's been under stress... Why you undercutting me? To be fair, we both have. I'm trying to rob this man! We don't need to do this! I got a call about the mortgage. If we don't pay, the sheriff's coming to put us out on the street! GET THE MONEY OUTTA THERE RIGHT NOW! I MEAN IT! PULL IT OUT, PUT IT IN A SACK AND LET'S GO! (BANGS ON COUNTER) Oh, God! Come on! There. Ohhhhh! Wow, fantastic. Women are amazing, aren't they? (RANTS) Just like jelly jars. (BOTH SCREAM) Hun? What? I don't think anybody's actually following us! (TYRES SCREECH) God! (GASPS) Look out for that... (BOTH SCREAM) Oh! Oh, park under there. (GASPS) Oh, my God! (I can't believe we just did that!) (We did do it! We did do it.) (BOTH GRUNT / GASP) (HORN HONKS) It's not like we stole from some old lady, ya know? Exactly. And maybe we could figure out a way we could give some to other people. We will. It's a definite possibility. Wanna grab a coffee while we're in here? Iced mocha sounds nice. Yeah. OK, this is a hold-up! (SHRIEKS) Get down and you won't get hurt! Whoa! Jesus! Are you OK, hun? I'm OK. Alright. You, two iced mochas. Let's go! Move it, move it! Two iced mochas. Yeah, whipped cream! Any whipped cream on yours? No, thanks. No whipped cream on hers! No whipped cream. Are these non-fat muffins? ARE THEY NOT-FAT MUFFINS? I think so! OK. Hun, these are non-fat muffins. Get some of those. Which ones? Vanilla, chocolate? In the back. This one? No, that one. Front? No, that one. OK, OK, that's good. OK, OK, nobody try to follow us because we're desperate criminals! We're crazy people! AND I'LL KILL YOU ALL! Hun, hun, the coffee. Oh, yeah, right. Thanks a lot. What are you doing in there? What do you think? (MIMICS ENGINE) It's Elvis on a motorcycle? It's Evel Knievel, hun. I like the way it makes my butt look. (ALL SHOUT IN JAPANESE) OHHHHHHH! Ha! Yeah! Oh! Yeah! Honey,... where's my car? Mercedes, off. Yaa-a-a-ay! Now I can watch soccer! (No matter what happens, know that I love you.) Ohh, I love you, too. (Let's do this.) (OK.) Go, go, go, go! (SHRIEKS) (ROARS) (GROANS) (DISTORTED) "Oh, my God! This guy is really loaded!" (DISTORTED) "Whoo-whee! "Wow, that's a lotta lettuce!" "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Should we pistol-whip him?" "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" (LAUGHS) "Hey,... don't laugh." "Don't you laugh, OK? Cos it demeans what we're doing here." "Yeah." "Anyway, shall we?" "Let's do it." Wh-What is that? "Nothing. (CHUCKLES)" "Don't do anything funny or else... ..you could pay the ultimate price." "(WHINES / WHIRRS)" "(BLEEPS / WHINES)" "(GASPS / PANTS / SQUEAKS)" "(MUTTERS)" "(BLEEPS / WHINES)" "(MIMICS ELECTRIC GUITAR)" "Honey. Come on. Cut the crap." "OK." "(GRUNTS)" "We sound so funny." "I know. (GIGGLES)" "That's what I was thinking. Oh, my God!" HE-E-EL...! "(COLLAR FIZZLES)" Ugh! (LAUGHTER / CHATTER) You guys hear what happened to Bob Blaustein? Bob Blaustein? Yeah. Who's Bob Blaustein? He works at Sonet Global. Or should I say, "worked at Sonet Global"? Yeah! If they're not careful, Sonet could be the next Pyramid Tech. Absolutely, absolutely... Oooh! Ouch! Oh, Dick, what have you been up to since Globodyne went under? Ahhhh, just working at home, playing in the stock market. I tell you guys,... it's like stealing money. You're on fire, Dick. (ALL CHUCKLE) (Last job, try to stay focused.) (OK.) Let me hold that door for ya, ma'am. Why, thank you. You're welcome. (FEEBLY) Aaaahh! Oh, my Goodness! This woman has fainted! Are you alright? You might wanna open her blouse so she can... breathe. Right. (FEEBLY) Oh, no, no, no... Ohhhh! Oh, no... "(BLEEPS / BUZZES)" Oh, that's good. Oh, er, let me get back to you. Excuse me? Yes? May I help you? Vault inspector. What happened to Phil? Necrotising fasciitis caused by an invasive streptococcus. What? Flesh-eating disorder. It's all over the money. (Might wanna wash your hands...) (ALL SHOUT / SHRIEK) EVERYBODY DOWN!! This is a robbery! No way...! "(BUZZES)" (GASPS) (SIRENS WHOOP) Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, no! Nobody move a muscle! (RANTS) You! Whiskers, on the floor! Oh, Dick! Oh! I will blow those whiskers...! Alright, I'm down! Help with the money, please! You're money, I'm guns! That's the plan! Put your weapons down! Ohhhh, shit! Stick to the plan! I'm putting it down, I'm putting the weapon down. BRING IT ON, PIGS! NO! Honey! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Ow! Oh, Dick, oh, Dick, oh, Dick! Run, Dick! Run! YOU COWARD! Stay on the ground! Oh, boy! Butt out! You filthy pig! I'm sorry. BRING IT ON! OW! (Oz!) I'll take on all of you! Oz, get the car, get the car! Debbie! Oh, Dick! Honey! Oh! (SIGHS) Oh, thank God! "Oz and Debbie Peterson, former employees of Globodyne, were charged with armed robbery..." "Honey,... I love you!" "Quitter!" "We had hostages!" (Dick,... that could've been us.) What were we thinking?! "Oh, no!" "N-No!" "They turned to crime after sudden unemployment." "(SHRIEKS)" God! "Like Naomi Seiler, a human resources manager caught last May managing a different resource - 220 kilos of Canada's finest marijuana." I knew her. She always remembered everybody's birthday. "Or this man, Mark Fish, a former VP of Globodyne, who was arrested after using his home for secret cock fights." Mark Fish! He was such a nice guy! "(BLEEPS) Goddamn...!" "CFO, Frank Bascombe, starts his 18-month sentence next week." 18 months! That's nothing! Bastard. "..trying to incriminate Jack McCallister." "I don't think I got away with anything." "The collapse of Globodyne hurt me financially and personally just like any other employee. I'm sick about it." "I'm ate up about it." "(DUCK QUACKS)" "Now watch this shot." "Did I git 'im?" "Now you did." "Great. C'mon." Look at that guy. Everybody's in hell and he's on vacation, shooting stuff. Man, I hope every one of these bastards get what they deserve! "Prosecutors say next to be indicted will be spin doctor, Dick Harper." What...? Indicted? "Harper gave misleading statements about Globodyne's finances about one minute before..." Indicted? That's not fair! They made you go on that show! You hear what they said, Jane? I'm gonna be indicted! But you only said what they told - Indicted, Jane! Indicted! I'm gonna be indicted! Wait, it's gonna be OK. INDICTED! Honey, Dick? INDICTED! Honey - I'M GONNA BE INDICTED! Hold it. They can't. It's gonna be OK. Just calm down. I can't calm down! I'm gonna be indicted! Indicted! Oh! I'm gonna be indicted! (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Indicted...! I'm gonna be indicted...! (ENGINE REVS / TYRES SCREECH) (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC) You know, I haven't seen you in the Downtown Club for a while, sir. Well, that's because I was very, very busy... ..being indicted! (SIGHS) Ahhhh! (WAILS) (GIGGLES) Look at all the executives! You guys are my kinda peeps! Captains of industry, masters of the universe... Presidents of Hair Club for Men. That's a nice piece of hair. You can't even see the tread marks. This squirrel died of natural causes! Excuse me! Pardon me! I gotta get to the... toppy-tip of the financial SUMMIT! Isn't anyone going to do anything? This happens every week. (GIGGLES / WAILS) This guy actually isn't that bad. (WHINES) Hellooo, I'm a corporate puppet! (WHINES) And I'm gonna need some more string so I can go on believing I'll be a real boy someday without being manipulated... No, no! I got it! ..by the BULLSHIT! (My God, Dick! Come down from there!) Hun,... I'm in the middle of a very important meeting. (Sweetie, you're standing on a table pretending to be a puppet.) Who's pretending?! (BLABBERS / WHINES) Couldn't you have just cut him off? He only had half a beer. (CLATTERS) Dick. Long time no see. (WAILS) FRANK! I'm gonna... (SHOUTS) Just... (WHIMPERS) Frank! Where are you goin'? Ooh! DI-I-I-ICK! COME ON, FRANK! (HORNS HONK) I just wanna have a talk! (GRUNTS) Hey there, Frankie! How d'ya like those eggs FLORENTINE?! Dick! Wait, wait, wait! Wait, it was Jack! It was Jack. He siphoned off all of Globodyne's assets and then he dumped the stock. It was his plan from the beginning. Sonofabitch! That fucker! Hun,... language. She's right. I bet when you get out, you'll get $20 million to keep your mouth shut. No, ten. You think I could've gotten 20? You sonofa...! No, Dick! I WANT HIM! Let's go! Don't you think I feel terrible? Why do you think I'm drinking myself to death? Well, instead of drinking, why don't you do something about it? Yeah, Frank, sometimes the cure is a clean conscience. That is good! Thanks, hun. I just thought of it. You did? Yeah. You're right. You're right. Help me up. Help me up. Help me up. I gotta think of something. OK, just give me a minute. Just gimme a... Hey! HEY! Not... this time, Frank! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's force of habit. I know a way. I know a way. But it's really, really risky... That's where Jack keeps it. 400 million in US bearer bonds. So, it's a vault job. Go in after midnight, bypass security... (WHINES) ..power tools. It's a little simpler than that. Power tools...? 'Jack has to take those bonds out of the safe-deposit box.' 'That should be fun for him.' Yes, my babies...! 'So what's he gonna do with the money?' There it is, the Grand Cayman Bank. Grand Cayman, what is this place? 'It's where rich people go to evade taxes.' 'Bastards!' 'Honey.' 'They can't hear us. What's next?' 'McCallister takes the bonds to an account rep, who asks him for his signature to verify what they call membership.' 'Once the bonds are confirmed, he'll receive a CRM-114 deposit form.' 'He inputs his account number that only he and the bank know.' Then the agent will take this to an authorisation officer for further verification. Once he stamps and initials the document, the account rep will take the CRM-114 back to McCallister for final approval before finalisation. I thought you said this was gonna be simple. Can you explain it again? Jane doesn't seem to understand. Jane, it's simple. It's so simple. Now, listen, all we have to do... (SNIFFS) ..is switch McCallister's CRM-114 with his account number with one of our own. I'm so sorry. A copy that we have made that has a number from an account that I have established. And Jack sends the $400 million to us... without knowing it. You got it. It's so simple. That is beautiful! It's a switch. It's a switch! It's a simple switch! Switch! That is so sexy, man. Unbeliev... That's gonna be fun. Except Jane has to do the switch because if McCallister sees us, he's gonna know something's up. And I...? Do nothing. Well, I can do that. Yeah. OK. You-You do it then. You-You're the one. Yeah. Yeah. (SIGHS) Well,... I mean... No, it's good. You could do it, except... No, you do it. You do it. You deserve to do it. Honey. (GRUNTS) (A CAPPELLA SINGING) Are you ready to make the switch? Yeah. Do you have the form? Right here. We should practise one more time. No, I got it. OK, fine. I won't even be involved... I won't participate at all. No, let's do one just for good luck. No, you're not doin' me any favours. GET OUTTA THE CAR! Alright! I just think it's important, that's all... (SIGHS) OK, I'll be the bank representative and you be you. Oh! Whoops! Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey! Wait! Sir! WAIT! NO-O-O-O! NO! NO! NO-O-O! OHHHH,... DAMN! Everybody ready? Uh, no. What? Well, Dick... lost the form. So - What...?! Do you have an extra copy? (GASPS) Do you have any idea what I went through TO GET THAT FORM?! Oh, let me guess, a fifth of SCOTCH! You sonofa... Knock it off! Wait a second. Can we get another? Is it possible? How can we do that? You know what, I'm gonna take the car and try to delay McCallister. He's here! He's here! Oh, God! Honey, what are you...? I'm going! Ow! (BOTH GASP) (That was not cool!) OK, it's very simple. I got it. It's very simple. Go into the bank, into the office of the client-relations coordinator. The forms are backed up on disk so you have to print one out. (Who's this guy? Do I say hello?) Never mind. Just float past 'em. (CHATTERS) Whoa! Whoa...! Quaint. (McCallister at 12 o'clock.) OK, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go... stall him. Hun! (What?) How am I supposed find the client-relations coordinator? (Turn around.) Ooh! D'uh! Uh-huh... Oh, my,... oh, my God! Oh, my God! Jack McCallister. (GIGGLES) I'm sorry? It's me! Deb Festerbooth! Hi. Hi. Oh, is that the... legendary espresso machine? You-You want some? Really? Could I? Sure, yeah. Good to see you, sir... From the fundraiser. I'm truly sorry. But I really don't recall you, uh, Miss...? Festerbrook. Booth. Yes. I have to go. No, listen, this is crazy! You have to remember! (WHISTLES) Here you go. Thank you. (PHONE RINGS) Oh, excuse me, that's my phone. Oh, me, too. Grand Cayman Bank. How may I help you? (DEEP VOICE) Karen Williams, please. (PHONE RINGS) This is Karen. Yes, Mrs Williams, this is Officer... Redgreen of the MVPD...L and we've recovered a stolen vehicle that is registered in your name and we'd appreciate it if you'd come to the impound lot. What? My car's been stolen?! (Don't you remember my tattoo of a green monkey... on my ass?) Someone stole my car right out of the parking lot! (SNORES) (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? (It's Dick. I got it.) Dick? Yeah? Is the client relations coordinator a blonde with a red scarf? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She just noticed that her car isn't stolen. Wh-What's the account number? PN597... (PN597) Uh-huh? ..2K40. (TYRES SQUEAL) 24K... (SHOUTS) NO! 2K40! (SHRIEKS) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh, my God! Got it! (GASPS) Ohhhh! Oh, my God! My car! I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. What is wrong with you?! What's wrong with me? You're parked in a handicapped space. That's not a handicapped space! It is now! "(BLEEPS)" (Yes!) Ow! 1 What are you doing here? It's too late! The rep's authorising the CRM-114 right... Oh, man! Wait a second! Ow! He's not going back into the room. Where's he going? (I'll go down and get this stamped and initialled.) You stall him! (Oh, I hate stalling!) (BOTH CHATTER) Hey, Spence. Good to see you again. How you been? Er,... well, thank you. I-I, er... (PHONE RINGS) Will you excuse me for a moment. Of course. Yeah? Hey, Dick, I'm probably gonna be arrested for DWI. So I won't be here when you get out. (SIREN WHOOPS) Can we talk about this later? Hey, you! Because I don't wish to discuss this in front of branch employees. Well, nobody likes to be the bad guy but here I am, chopping heads! (ALL GASP) Oh, God! Um, I already - I understand the need for lay-offs. I'm just concerned about bank morale. I'm fine, really. Thank you. Madam, can I have my form back? What did you just call me?! I just don't wanna start a bloodbath! Can I have my form back? Your "forn"? Is that the correct spelling of your name? Why don't I just do this for you? My form! Oooh! There is one bright light down here named Spencer, with the stamp thing. He's top drawer. Thank you, sir. (GASPS) Dick?! Dick Harper! (CLEARS THROAT) Jack McCallister. Yeah. Ooh! You just struck me! Look at you! Look what the cat coughed up! My gosh! You cut an impressive swath! And you smell good too, you devil. Just hold on a second. What say we put all this behind us? Dick, what are you doing here? You know, working, mostly, here. Temporarily, over in Transfers. OK, just drop it. I heard you left town. I was in Mexico for a while. But most of all I've been working in Transfers! Oh, I see. Poppycocker! You are my greatest inspiration. No hard feelings about Globodyne? Hey, you did the best you could, right? Very decent of you to say. Like my granddaddy always used to tell me... Bye! Oh, my! (We did it!) Shh! Mr McCallister,... please. I dunno, I dunno. I think I might have made a mistake. You were great! No, no, no. Days like this, they make my hands shake a little. I can imagine. What's he doing? (I don't know. What is he doing?) We got one situation here, fellas, which is that that number's wrong. That's incorrect right there. (GRUNTS) Did he see us? (I have no idea...) I think he saw you. (I think he saw you.) Uh-uh, uh-uh. You were the one sticking your big head out there. I gotta hit the road. So I'm gonna sign this for you and you're gonna change that for me. Yes, of course. Oh, man! This is really not the time! Shall we not... (MUTTERS) (SIGHS) He's coming! (CONTINUES TO MUTTER) Jack! Hey, it was great seeing ya! Where's Frank Bascombe? Come again? You didn't think I'd catch that now, did ya? What do you mean? Alright, Dick, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna march outta here, take little Goldilocks with ya. And I won't put the two of you in prison for a very long time. Actually, honey, I think that sounds pretty good. I think we should take it, you know? You think so, hun? (I really do.) Because I don't. (Dick Harper!) I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed because of you. And I'm not leaving here without your money. What you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form? Write me a cheque. You are kidding me? Dick, it's not gonna do us any good. He's just gonna cancel it the minute we walk out of here. (I don't care. I don't care.) (I'm not walkin' outta this bank empty-handed.) Alright. Alright, Dick, I'm gonna write you a cheque. I'm gonna need my hand back though. (Gladly.) Alright, yes, sir, I'm gonna write you that cheque. And, what's more, I'm not gonna cancel it because it takes a lot of cojones to do what you two have done today. And I admire that. So... here you go. Just a little somethin' to show you what I think you're worth. Y'all take care now. (Dick, honey,... ..gimme the squirt gun.) Do you still have McCallister's form? Why? Because I just got his signature. Weren't you an art major? (Dick Harper! I had no idea what you were doing!) I was completely fooled! God, I didn't know you could act! Hun, in 10th grade I played Biff in Death Of A Salesman. Come on! (That's right. Wow!) See the way I got my eyes watering up? (SIGHS) Yes, sir. It's all right there. (I am married to a genius!) It's a turn-on, isn't it? (Oh, you criminal!) I'm a hardened criminal. (CHUCKLES) (Hun,... first we need to talk to Spencer.) (Right.) (SIGHS) Are you in the habit of signing things without looking at them? Uh... Miss Sheinkopf? Miss Sheinkopf, I'm gonna be home by six. (ALL SHOUT) Mr McCallister! Jack! (TYRES SCREECH) (ALL SHOUT) Mr McCallister! We're all waiting for you, Jack. Everybody's really pumped. Come on! Is this some kind of a joke, Dick? You still trying to get even? Why would I wanna get even with the most generous man on the planet? I can't believe you did it! Jane and I were way off base. He's on in 20. Let's hook him up. On what?! Sam Samuels. MoneyLife. Oh, and, er, here are some suggested responses. "(FANFARE PLAYS)" "Live to southern California, where in the most stunning act of personal generosity, Jack McCallister, former CEO..." Who the hell do you think you are?! I'm your VP of communications, Jack. "..funded the defunct pension fund." "W-Wait. You said I just did what?!" "God,... I love this guy!" "But, er,... seriously, Jack, what made you do it?" Well,... I-I, er... Sam, I, er... (CAMERAS CLICK / WHIRR) Uhhh,... I, er... I-I realised, Sam, that since the employees of Globodyne had given me so much, it was time for me to give back to them. So yesterday I wire transferred... ..$400million into the newly created Globodyne Pension Relief Fund. Whoo! Yeah! (ALL CHEER) Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! "Let's take a look at what happened today when the first ex-employees received their shares of money." "Hi, there!" "Many had their savings invested in the company and were delighted to learn their pensions had been returned." "It's the first time in US corporate history that a CEO... "(SHRIEKS)" has personally funded a bankrupted pension plan." "This gesture won't be forgotten by the people whose lives it has so dramatically affected." "This is just the beginning. Thousands more will receive a cheque for the full value of their lost pensions and life savings." (ALL CHEER) (CHANTS) Jack! Jack! He's got your back! (ALL CHANT) Jack! Jack! He's got your back! Jack! Jack! He's got your back! You hear that? They love ya, Jack! Now go to hell. (ALL CHATTER / SHOUT) Now let's save the whales! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Have you decided to contribute to the homeless? What made you so gracious? I guess the indictments are all cancelled? How do you feel right now? How about giving a brother a buck? Look at our beautiful family! (BOTH RECITE SPANISH) My name is Dick Harper. Mi nombre es... Dick... Harper. (BARKS) I agree! (HORN HONKS) Hey, Harpers! Stick 'em up! Look who it is! Garth! How you doing, Garth? Great! How do you like the new wheels? Nice! Hooked up with a new company. Great benefits. Yeah? They trade energy. It's called Enron. Huh.