1 Hey! Howdy there, Mr Lee! What is this? Filipino New Year's? No. Why you say that? Cos you're cookin' up a feast. I can smell it all the way from the Interstate. What is that? Barbecue? Well, yeah, but it not coming from here. What is that noise? Daddy! Dad! UNEARTHLY CHORAL MUSIC STRANGE WHIRRING MUSIC CRESCENDOES MUSIC FADES What is your take on this, Jerry? The people are gonna love it, Mr President. Our only conflict is whether we ambush the 6 o'clock news or hold out for prime time. Screw the press! This is a need-to-know situation! We should make it top secret and move in immediately with DefCon IV! Mr President, we cannot sit on this. General Casey, do you have an opinion? Well, sir, do we KNOW they're hostile? Do we know they're hostile?! They have our planet surrounded with thousands of warships! Do we KNOW they're warships? (SIGHS) Professor, what DO we know about them? We know they're extremely advanced technologically, which suggests, very rightfully so, that they're peaceful. An advanced civilisation is, by definition, not barbaric. Mr President, this is a great day. I and all my colleagues are extremely excited. Good. Extraterrestrial life. You're right, Jerry. The people are gonna love it. This is a momentous occasion. Mmm. Mr President, we must act... Mr President, we must act... We'll go all media on this. I'll wear my blue Cerutti suit and Jerry, I'll need a good speech - statesman-like, historical and yet warm, neighbourly. Abraham Lincoln meets Leave It to Beaver. You know the sort of thing. (CHUCKLES) Yes, sir. I think too old-fashioned. Yes. No, I don't think so. This has got the colours but no... I don't think so. Mm-hm. Nancy had this in the library, didn't she? Yes, indeed. I don't think so. I thought perhaps the watered silk. This week it's on sale. I hardly think I need worry about THAT. My husband IS the leader of the free world. What do you think, Taffy? Why don't you leave the Roosevelt Room the way the Roosevelts wanted it? (LAUGHS) Because Eleanor Roosevelt was too fond of chintz. That's why. (CHUCKLES) Mother, this isn't your house. Taffy, if you're going to be a pest, I'll just ignore you. Mrs Dale. Yes? CAMERA SNAPS DISCO MUSIC PLAYS BOTH LAUGH I saw you fight Sonny Liston in '69! Really? Uh-huh. You were a nun back then? Oh, yes. We've always been fight fans, haven't we, sisters? WOMAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: Byron Williams, telephone. Byron Williams... Byron Williams... That's me. I gotta go. You ladies have a nice time, alright? NUNS GIGGLE Yeah? WOMAN: Byron? Oh, Louise. I'm sorry I have to call you at work but the boys haven't been home in two nights and I don't know what to do! Sweetie, you're doing the best you can. (Sighs) They're at that age. Louise, the casino manager's giving me the evil eye. I've gotta go. I'll call you later, OK? Hey, are you still cool on me coming to Washington? Sure, course I am. You take care, OK? Bye. MUZAK: # If you like pina coladas # Gettin' caught in the rain... # Ahhh! Must you drink in front of me? You're an adult. Just cope. All we ever do is sit around in bars. Hey, this is work, baby, OK? I'm checking the decor, the lighting, the traffic flow. If I'd known you'd become a crook, I never would've married you. If I'd known you'd become a crook, I never would've married you. I'm not a crook. I'm ambitious. There's a difference. If you think you can make a nickel in this town without knowing how to dally round a few curves, you don't know doodley-squat about the gaming industry. Oh, Art! Galaxy's gonna be the best hotel in Vegas. The best. I promise. Don't you realise what you're doing? You're destroying Earth! All this greed! This money system! You're destroying everything! OK, OK, Barbara. OK. Keep your voice down. I got friends here. Sugar, hit me one more time. Stop flirting with the waitress! Stop flirting with the waitress! Oh God, here! Go on over at the roulette... play our anniversary and stay off of black. # I am into champagne... # Thanks, honey. BOAT HORN BLARES PHONE RINGS Yeah? Make it quick. We go out live in 10 minutes. What? The actual President? What do you mean, cutting in? (DIALS PHONE) NEWSREADER: Budget negotiations may be dead in the water... Hair looks good. Huh? Like the hair. ..was 'factually challenged'. PHONE RINGS Yeah? Stone. Speak. Jason, hi. It's me. You wearing a bra? (Sighs) Listen to me. This is big. President Dale is cutting into my show today. Why would he stoop to being on 'Today In Fashion'? He's interrupting everybody. I don't know, it's some sort of emergency announcement or something. This doesn't make sense! He should talk to US! (SNORTS) White House is coming out live. Good evening, my fellow Americans. I apologise for interrupting your regular programmes but I have a very important announcement to make. Many important things have happened to me in my life. My graduation from Princeton. The day that Marsha said she would be my wife. The birth of our daughter, Taffy. Thanks, Dad. The news I have heard today ranks right up there. Thank you. You're welcome. A powerful memory is in the making, not just for me, but for all mankind. Today, an extraordinary discovery was made by the Hubble Space Telescope. The data from the Hubble was decoded, then analysed by the most powerful computers... Oye me. Apurate a trabajar. Andale. The images are undeniable. We are entering the dawn of a new era. Frame enlargements provide an astonishing sight - a fleet of vehicles which can best be described as... flying saucers. Come on! Papa needs a new pair of shoes! Yowww! Hey! Yowww! Hey! ..if they attempt to contact us. Hey! Am I the only one shootin' craps here?! Huh? ..we will have the opportunity to meet with them. I feel this is the perfect summation to the 20th century... Martians. This is great. ..in human history... Please come to earth. Please. ...also seen in the recent past... ...also seen in the recent past... We need you. ...the extent... MACHINERY DRONES I got people comin'! I got people comin'! ..there's no east or west... Everybody wants to be part of this! ...just us. ...just us. Galaxy's gonna be... ...just us. Galaxy's gonna be... We've become... ...world class. ...world class. ...one planet. And soon, we WILL become one solar system. What the hell is he talking about? These flying saucers have come from the planet Mars and at their current course and speed... Hey! Listen. I've been thinkin' about Martians when there WASN'T no Martians. It is profoundly moving to know there is intelligent life out there. Glad they got it somewhere. And our world will never feel quite the same again. Goodnight. And God bless you all. DRAMATIC MUSIC This... is intense. PHONE RINGS (YAPS) Shut up, Poppy. (YAPS) Shut up. Shut up. Jason Stone. Um... It's for you. (YAPS) Poppy, honey. No, sweetie. That's right. Shhhh! Good girl. Yeah? Oh, yeah. I could be there at...I don't know, 11. OK. Bye-bye. (SIGHS) Yes? Oh, they want me to go interview that professor from the White House. Oh, they want me to go interview that professor from the White House. Kessler? Donald Kessler? Yeah, I think that's his name. You know the...the science guy? This is nuts! This is... WE should've got that guy. I can't help it if your people are too slow. (SIGHS) Right, Poppy? (YAPS) TV NEWSREADER: ...500 pounds down, up narrowly in light trading. All prices in Chicago were mixed, some up a quarter. Tea prices were up over a week ago. Western Utility... Finished! One minute, 57 seconds! (CHORTLES HYSTERICALLY) Didn't I say under two minutes?! You did! You did! I did it! I'm proud of you! Anybody want a doughnut? How old are they? Fresh baked Monday. Gee, that's six days ago! OK, give me a couple. These photographs, released from the Hubble Space Telescope... Hey, this Martian thing is pretty awesome, huh? Did any one of you traitors see my Muffy? Your brother's gonna volunteer. Soon as I get back to the base. Volunteer for what, Billy Glenn? Martian Detail. Uh-huh. Cool. If any of them Martians come around here, I'm gonna kick their butts! ELECTRONIC GUNFIRE Swap! Swap! Excuse me, folks! We gotta make an unscheduled STOP! TYRES SCREECH It's Mama! What are you doing here? Why aren't you in class?! Mama, class was cancelled... Class was NOT cancelled! Now, you, come here! For what? I'm not gonna hurt you! Come here! Let go of him. OK. Now, just come here. Come here. You think it's smart to cut school?! Do you?! Huh?! Huh?! No! You're gonna flunk and go to jail! BOTH PROTEST BOTH PROTEST Get your butt on that bus! Get on that bus, boy! I'll be trippin' all over you. I don't wanna hear another word! PASSENGERS APPLAUD PASSENGERS APPLAUD (MUTTERS) I heard that! Hi. Hi there. Wanna date? How about it? A date? Er... Mmm. Sounds good. ALL CHUCKLE The stress at work is, um...unbelievable. Boss, can I speak to you in private? No, I gotta watch the floor. What do you want, Byron? I'm supporting my family back east... I'm supporting my family back east... I thought you were divorced. I am, but I still have to take care of them. Anyway, things have been a little lean around here and I'd like a raise. Out of the question. I'm an asset to this hotel. They like me around here. Byron, you're a nice guy but I can get Leon Spinks or Buster Douglas for the same money, maybe less. You'd better get moving. You're on in five minutes. EERIE ELECTRONIC HUM This show is gonna get a hell of a rating. It's all yours, Ian. ..language you choose to employ. And in certain circumstances, the proposition that two and two equals five is entirely legitimate. Call me Nathalie. And you do, please, call me Donald. Oh. I've always admired your show. Re-really? You like my work?! Yes. Very much. My! Well, thank you. MAN: Coming out of commercial in five... four... three... two... Welcome back. We're speaking with Professor Donald Kessler. He's the chairman of the American Academy of Astronautics. Professor, isn't it weird that we sent a space probe to Mars and we didn't even find anyone? Well, not really, um...Nathalie. Because we didn't get into the canals. The Martian canals are actually canyons, some of them over 100 miles deep. Martian civilisation has clearly developed under the surface of the planet. Their science and technology must be absolutely mind-boggling. So, what, in your view, Donald... Kessler... chairman, are some of the things that the Martians can teach us, Professor? Quite a lot about Mars, I expect, Nathalie. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) She's flirting with him. But seriously, this is tremendously exciting. Think of the knowledge, the new ideas. It's going to change everything. We must be open to it. Maybe they can tell us about our universe - how it started, where it's going, perhaps... even... its purpose. It's tremendously exciting. This is the most important thing to happen since... Jesus walked in Galilee. (HISSING NOISE) Oh, Christ! What's wrong with the picture? EERIE HUMMING SOUND EERIE HUMMING SOUND Go to Camera 2! I can't. It's busted. Go to 1! Go to 4! STRANGE ELECTRONIC HUM STRANGE ELECTRONIC HUM (DOG YAPS) He just copped a feel! (HISSING) Now what? OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS (YAPS) EERIE MUSIC PLAYS What's that? So that's a Martian. That's a Martian? (BARKS) (SQUEAKS SHRILLY) Oh my God! Yikes! (SQUEAKS) I'm not gonna have that THING in my house. (CHUCKLES) Sweetie, we may have to. The people expect me to meet with them. Well, they're not gonna eat off the Van Buren china. (SQUEAKS UNINTELLIGIBLY) Look at that brain. He must be real smart. Ewww! It's gross! Don't forget, Nathalie, that we will look equally gross to him. (ALIEN SQUEAKS ANGRILY) Whoa! He made the international sign of the doughnut. From the limited information available, I've made three extrapolations. One, our Martian friend is a carbon-based life form. Two, he breathes nitrogen. And three, the large cerebrum, here, indicates telepathic potential. You mean they can... read our thoughts? Potentially, yes. What about their intentions? Are they a friendly people? Logic dictates that, given their extremely high level of technical development, they're an advanced culture, therefore peaceful and enlightened. The human race, on the other hand, is an aggressively dangerous species. I suspect they have more to fear from us... than we from them. Doctor. Thank you, Professor. For many years, I've been refining a translating computer. The results are not perfect. But this may answer some of your questions. TAPE REWINDS SQUEAKS UNINTELLIGIBLY ELECTRONIC BABBLE MARTIAN: ...all green of skin. 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. How many centuries, did he say? 800, sir. ...self-determination of the cosmos. For dark is the suede that mows... like a harvest. What the hell does that mean?! SOFT AND SOMBRE MUSIC Hey, Mitch. Good morning, miss. I'm sorry, you can't come this way. There's a tour in progress. Oh. Uh... hello. My name is Barbara. ALL: Hello, Barbara. I am an alcoholic but I haven't had a drink in three months. (APPLAUSE) Oh, thank you! Um... I'm feeling so optimistic because of the Martians. We're not alone in the universe. And it's so perfect that... ...that it's happening at the beginning of the new millennium. Our planet was suffering with the ozone and the rainforest and... so many people unhappy in their lives. And then... the Martians heard our global karmic cry for help. People say they're ugly but I think they've come to show us the way. I-I think they've come to save us. APPLAUSE Goodbye, Billy Glenn. You be careful, Billy Glenn. Don't get yourself killed or anything. You be careful, Billy Glenn. Don't get yourself killed or anything. Oh, ain't she cute? Son, we're real proud of you. Thanks, Dad. Here, let me take this. So long, Billy. So long, retard. Just don't be touching none of my stuff while I'm gone. Bye-bye, Grandma. Goodbye, Thomas. It's Billy Glenn, Grandma. I know... Thomas. (LAUGHS) 'Bye, honey. Bye-bye. I got to go. All right. Love you, baby! STIRRING MUSIC PLAYS Adios. Be careful, boy. Bye-bye. Well, he'll be alright. I hope so. Army trains 'em good. Well, he's gone for a while. Oh, Richie, why can't you be more like your brother? Darlin', we got plumb lucky with Billy Glenn. Can't expect the same luck twice. Richie, go and make yourself useful for a change. Sure, Dad. Take Grandma back to the home. COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS I bet you never thought you'd see the Martians come to the earth. It's pretty far out, huh? Think of all the crazy stuff you must've seen in your lifetime. I bet people were pretty scared when they invented the train. Come on, kid! I'm not THAT old! Grandma, are you OK? I want to see Slim. I want to see Slim... and Muffy... ...and Richie. Grandma, I'm Richie. I know, Thomas. Richie was always the best one. Right now, the President's talking to other world leaders. They're preparing a shopping list of issues of common interest to discuss. There is a unilateral, concerted, diplomatic effort being made. Mr Ross! Mr Ross! Ah... Jason. Thanks. If the Martians land, will the press have access? Can we do interviews? Well, I mean, that depends. We'd have to establish contact, work out whatever communication problems, establish a parameter for talks and then we'd see what happens. (CHUCKLES) Ooh! Here's the President. Good morning. It's nice to see you all again. I just have a few minutes for questions so... let's get started. Mr President! Mr President! Over here! Over here! Do the Martians have two sexes, like we do? TV: From Hollywood, we bring you The Lawrence Welk Show! DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV And now, here he is, Mr Music Maker himself, Lawrence Welk! APPLAUSE This pussycat is the most beautiful pussycat in the whole world. That's my Muffy! Richie, didn't you ever have a pussycat of your own? Sure, Grandma. Music! There you go. Thank you. RECORD CRACKLES INDIAN LOVE CALL PLAYS INDIAN LOVE CALL PLAYS Hey, Grandma, you gonna be OK? If you need any doughnuts or anything, give me a call, all right? (SLIM WHITMAN YODELS) # Ooh... # Ooh... 'Bye. # Will you answer too? # How do, Byron? Looks like you ain't got no wheels. Come on. Get in. I'm gonna do you a favour, Byron. I owe you one. I made a ton of money on your last fight in '73. 'The Quaker in Jamaica'. (CHUCKLES) I'm glad somebody did. Yeah, I know, I know. It's rough on jocks - er, get to a certain age, opportunities dry up. So here's the deal. I've got this chump, owes me a lot of money, needs a wake-up call. What I'd like for you to do is, ah, use that patented left hook on him. Just in the ring. Just in the ring, man. Yeah, I'm hip, I'm hip but I'll give you two grand. When you're done, all you've got to do is mosey on by the office and pick up the cash. Why you coming at me? I'm trying to get back with my wife. We used to have problems with that same kind of shit. I've changed, man. I've found Allah, I don't eat pork and I'm a better man. I've faced that demon - I don't want him coming out again. You gave up pork? RADIO SIGNALS BEEP General, they're sending coordinates. Where are they landing? Pahrump. It's in the Nevada Desert. Yes, sir. I can have my troops there at 0800 hours, sir. Mr President, we must not send these people the wrong message. We need a welcome mat, not rows of tanks. What are you talking about?! You can't have Martians running all over Nevada! You're right, General. Thank you, sir. The situation needs to be supervised. The situation needs to be supervised. Absolutely, sir. General Casey, do you think you can handle it? I'd be proud. Good. But keep a lid on it - key media, good cross-section of guests. We don't want it turning into a zoo out there. We don't want it turning into a zoo out there. Yes, sir! They don't know what the hell they're talking about - liberals, intellectuals, peacemongers, IDIOTS! Would you please keep it down? People live here. SNARE DRUMS SOUNDS TELEPHONE RINGS General Casey. (LAUGHS) Yes! I get to greet the Martian ambassador. Oh-ho-ho. Isn't that great? Oh, it's a hell of an honour. But didn't I always tell you, honey, if I just stayed in place and never spoke up, good things were bound to happen? (LAUGHS) Yeah. OK. Mwah! CHOIR: # La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la... # MILITARY DRUM MUSIC I want the Martians to be treated like foreign dignitaries. I want your men alert and majestic with a... snap in their step. It's got to look good. The whole world is watching. Yes. Sir. COMPUTER BLIPS Are you positive this thing is gonna work? Positively positive. Cos we don't want any slip-ups. No, no, no. Not at all. No. Hey, Poppy. All these people. All of them here to see you! Whoo! There's Jason, Poppy. HI, JASON! HI! Jason! Hi! Yoo-hoo! All right. Let's go. The teeming masses have gathered from who knows how many states. Waiting and watching. Why have they come? TV: Curiosity? Or is it something more? Or is it simply to say, 'I was there'? 'I was there when first man met Martian.' Jason Stone, GNN, Pahrump. UNEASY MUSIC PLAYS DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS (BARKS) WONDROUS MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC BUILDS EERIE CHORAL MUSIC There's something. Look. There! Give them room. That's it, give them room. HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRR MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYS SPACESHIP BEEPS INSPIRING MUSIC It is an awesome sight - the giant spacecraft glinting in the... ...in the Nevada sun like a...like a giant...hub cap. Something's happening. A doorway... is opening. CAMERA CLICKS A silver ramp is coming out... ...like a giant tongue. Oh! EERIE ELECTRONIC MUSIC (SQUEAKS) Gee whiz. EERIE CHORAL MUSIC (BARKS) (GROWLS AND BARKS) Rusty, shh! (SQUEAKS IN MARTIAN LANGUAGE) Martians! Funny-looking little critters, ain't they? (SPEAKS MARTIAN LANGUAGE) (SPEAKS MARTIAN LANGUAGE) COMPUTER BEEPS COMPUTER CONTINUES BEEPING GENERAL CASEY: Well? Wait a moment. It just... COMPUTER: Greetings. Greetings. PA: Greetings. I am the Martian ambassador. Everything is fixed, General. You may speak. Everything is fixed, General. You may speak. Greetings. I am General Casey, Commanding Officer of the Armed Forces of the United States of America. On behalf of the people of Earth, welcome. He did that well. MARTIAN TRANSLATION OF CASEY'S GREETING PLAYS (SQUAWKS) (SQUEALS IN MARTIAN) PA: We come in peace. We come in peace. We come in peace. We come in peace. We come in peace. They came in peace. MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYS PA: We come in peace. We come in peace. (GASPS) CROWD SCREAMS Open fire! Open fire! MACHINE GUNS FIRE CROWD SCREAMS Ooh! (SQUAWKS) Whoa! (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (SCREAMS) What the hell is this? Arggh! Arggh! Die, you alien shithead! Uh-oh. I surrender. No, it ain't happening. No, it didn't happen. Jason. Nathalie. (GASPS) DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS (SQUAWKS) EERIE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS Holy mother of God. Did you see that? Let's hit these assholes with everything we got. Sir, Mr President, I know this seems terrible, but let's not be too rash. We should nuke them now, sir! We must establish a line of communication first. Why not set up a town hall? We can get the public's opinion. What do you think, Marsha? Kick the crap out of them! Ladies and gentlemen, this could be a cultural misunderstanding. Ladies and gentlemen, this could be a cultural misunderstanding. Yeah. Maybe to them, doves mean war. We all saw how they reacted to that dove. It frightened them. He did say that... ...'we come in peace'. The computer's ready, Mr President. OK. Let's do it. I know we're making the right decision. COMPUTER BEEPS Ready to transmit. This is the President of the United States. I'm speaking to you in the hope that what happened earlier today in the Nevada Desert was a cultural misunderstanding. There can be no doubt that we two peoples have a great deal to offer one another. You must be as excited as we to find intelligent life in the solar system. And let me make it clear, you have nothing to fear from us. Our customs may be strange to you but we mean no harm. ALARM RINGS (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (SCREAMS) EERIE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) MACHINERY HUMS (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (SQUAWKS) BOTH LAUGH Ah! ART: When the investors fly in, I would like for them EACH to be met by a limo... ...a top-of-the-line car - leather interiors... ...Corinthian if they got it. ...Corinthian if they got it. BARBARA: Art! Are you still spinning your wheels on that cockamamie hotel? Whoa! Hello! The Martians have attacked! This was no misunderstanding. I was there. I saw it. Look, you're worried about yesterday. I'm worried about tomorrow. The Martians land on earth, they're gonna need a place to stay, just like everybody else. My God. Maybe we SHOULD all be destroyed. The human race doesn't deserve to live. Ethel, that reminds me, I would like for every limo to be stocked with every kind of alcohol known to man. Then top it off with a bottle of Dom... on ice. What confounds me most, gentlemen, is the lack of genitalia. And of course, down here, we have the aorta, up here we have the sphinx. Notice the highly developed cranial nerve system here. This explains, of course, the cerebral arteries. And if we notice down here, behind the optic chasm, several glands... Very curious. (SPEAKS MARTIAN) EERIE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS (SQUAWKS) IMPLEMENT WHIRRS (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) (BARKS) MUFFLED SCREAM (BARKS) MINISTER: Though he die, yet shall he live. And whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Billy Glenn Norris gave his life defending our country. Why did it have to be HIM? He is a true American hero. May God rest his soul. MAN: Squad. Ready. MAN: Squad. Ready. 'THE LAST POST' PLAYS MAN: Squad. Ready. 'THE LAST POST' PLAYS Aim. Fire. Aim. Fire. Aim. Fire. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! PHONE RINGS Hello. Byron! Is everything all right? You still coming tomorrow? You just try and stop me. The plane arrives at 4pm. Are the kids there? Yeah. Hold on. Cedric! Neville! Hey, Dad. Who's that? Neville? Yeah. How are you doing? We're going to the White House. To the White House? Yeah. Tomorrow. Man, give it back! Leave me alone. It's a school thing - like a tour. You're still going to school once in a while, uh? Yeah. Give me your ma again, all right? All right. Hold on. Mom. You always get the phone first. So what, wuss? I'm first on the game! What are you wasting phone time for? We'll see you tomorrow. There's something I want to say to you, just 'cause I feel like saying it, all right? Yeah, what's that? I love you. I love you too, Byron. Now stop wasting money! I'll see you tomorrow! EERIE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS RADIO BEEPS RADIO BROADCASTS MARTIAN LANGUAGE MARTIAN LANGUAGE MARTIAN LANGUAGE They're responding. A message from the Martians. Really? They've issued a formal apology. This is GREAT! Didn't I tell you this would happen? 'The Martian ambassador feels terrible and asks permission to speak to Congress.' I mean, that's good, isn't it? You bet. It's a great victory for our administration. POWERFUL, SOMBRE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC WHIRRING CROWD GASPS See you later. CONGRESSMEN MURMUR Ladies and gentlemen, this is a proud day for all Americans. This is a hell of a photo op, Jerry. Are you sure I shouldn't be there? Well, for some picky reason, the Secret Service don't want the executive branch and the legislative branch in the same room at the same time. The Martian ambassador is going to say a few words. Come on down, Mr Ambassador. EERIE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! (SPEAKS MARTIAN) DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS CONGRESSMEN SIGH WITH RELIEF (CONTINUES SPEAKING MARTIAN) ZAP! Oh! Mr Ambassador, please! Arrgghhhh! Mr Ambassador, please! What are you doing? This doesn't make sense. It's not logical! Guess it wasn't the dove. Fire! HEAVY GUNFIRE They blew up Congress! Ha ha ha ha! Come on, you bastards! BASTARDS! What did they do that for? What did they do that for? Oy, maybe they don't liking the` the human being. SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS Hello, gentlemen. Nice of you to come on such short notice. General Decker, it seems I owe you an apology. Hey, we all make mistakes, Mr President. Not any more. We're going to take CHARGE of this thing. Excellent, sir. I have prepared the order. What's this? That's your executive order, authorising full use of our nuclear deterrent, sir. (CHUCKLES) Are you out of your mind? I'm not starting a war. We're already AT war, sir! We have to nuke 'em NOW! General Decker, if you do not shut up, I am going to relieve you of your command. We have to strike NOW, sir! Annihilate! Kill, kill, KILL! SHUT UP! Shut up, shut UP! Now... ...I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad. I want the people to know that the schools will still be open, OK? And I want the people to know that the garbage will still be carried out. And I want a cop on every corner, which, incidentally, we would already have if they'd listened to ME at the last election. Jerry, how soon can we go on the air? Uh... My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart... ...that I talk to you this afternoon. As you know, earlier today the Martian ambassador and his confederates attacked and killed many of your representatives on Capitol Hill. I will be conferring with other world leaders as time goes on, and rest assured, that working together we will soon come out... ...at a very real outcome. Thank you. ZAP! (SQUAWKS) (MOANS) SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS ELECTRICITY ZAPS HEARTBEAT THUDS (GROANS) Nathalie? Nathalie, is that you? Yes. How are you feeling? (SIGHS) Not terribly good, I'm afraid. May I ask you a question? Mmm. Yes. Yes, of course you can, Nathalie. Were you flirting with me on the show? Because if you were, I just want you to know that I LIKED it. (CHUCKLES) You did? Really? Because, you know, I've watched you on TV quite a bit and, uh...well, I've... ...had something of a schoolboy crush on you for... oh, gosh... ages. (CHUCKLES) EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS Hi there. Are you interested in the White House? I work there. I'm the press secretary. My name's Jerry Ross. Maybe you've heard of me? You wouldn't believe the pressure of my job. It's nice to see a new face. Hey, um... are you doing anything? Because, if you want, I-I could give you a personalised tour. Would you like that? Hey, Mitch! It's me! Can you let me in? Oh, hello, Mr Ross. Sure. We're just a little nervous around here after what happened to Congress. Exactly. Many great men and women have passed through here. Now WE'RE passing through here. It feels GOOD, don't it? You're very graceful. I like that. (SQUEAK!) SPOOKY MUSIC Come here. BUZZ! Follow me. We call this the Kennedy Room. Pretty nifty, huh? (CACKLES) Oh... SEXY LATIN RHYTHM PLAYS So, how's about a drink? Ah! Getting more comfortable, I see. (SIGHS LUSTFULLY) Outstanding. How's my lady doing? Huh? Mmmm! (SLURPING) (GASPS) Oh, missy, you're hot! Could we get that gum out of your mouth? CRUNCH! Ugh! My finger! My finger! Hello?! Hello! Andre! Andre, this is an emergency! It's... THUMP! (BREATHES HEAVILY) SOFT, CREEPY MUSIC (BARKS) (ZAP!) (SQUEALS) ZAP! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) ALARM RINGS Yaaaa! Don't shoot! (GASPS) Oh my God! Don't worry, darling. (CHIRPS) ZAP! Get down! Thank you, Mitch. It's my job. MARSHA: Jimmy! Oh! Jimmy... (SCREAMS) EERIE OSCILLATING WHINE (SQUAWKS ANGRILY) (SQUAWKS ORDERS) DETERMINED MUSIC PLAYS What's happening? They appear to be in a highly agitated state, Nathalie. And I-I-I don't know. I honestly don't know, Nathalie. I just don't know what's going on any more. This is terribly frustrating. I'm just not feeling myself. Nathalie, if only I could hold you in my arms. Oh, Donald! (SOBS) I'm scared! MOMENTOUS MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS BOYS CHATTER IN THE DISTANCE BIRDS CHIRP Excuse me, but you said you wanted to know when we had an analysis of the chewing gum. What is it? It's NO2, highly concentrated. Nitrogen. So, that's how it could breathe in our atmosphere. RUMBLING SOUND RUMBLING SOUND What's that noise? EERIE WHIRRING SOUND ZAP! (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (SPEAKS MARTIAN) BOYS SCREAM BOYS SCREAM THUMP! Theodore, I simply do not feel that linkage... It's a full-scale invasion. We've got to get you to safety. EERIE WHIRRING SOUND MARSHA GASPS Shouldn't we go this way? Sorry, ma'am. There's a tour going through here. The Blue Room is often considered the most beautiful room in the White House. In fact, it is often used by the President to receive guests! It's furnished to represent the period of James Monroe... It's furnished to represent the period of James Monroe... EERIE WHIRR Hey, what's that? That... is a portrait of James Monroe. (ZAP!) ALL SCREAM AND SHOUT Arrggghhh! (SHRIEKS) EXPLOSIONS (SCREAMS) Yeaarrgghhh! Aaargh! We lost Taffy! Mr President, please keep moving! We'll get you to the back stairs. GUNFIRE (ZAPS) The Nancy Reagan chandelier! (SCREAMS) Marsha! MARSHA! Marsha? What are you guys gawking at! Get the President out of here! And I personally guarantee that you will get a complete return on your investment... EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE ...within five months. Mr Land, excuse me, please. Just a second, Sheik Rakhmullah. Now, even in a time of so-called intergalactic emergency, the people still want to roll them bones. Mr Land, I believe we have a... Just five more minutes, Quick! Just five more minutes, Quick! OMINOUS RUMBLES What I would like for you gentlemen to do is to view our brand-new state-of-the-art showroom. It is outta sight! (CHUCKLES) Gentlemen... ...there is no way that we can lose! EERIE WHIRRS Whoa! TERRIFIED SHOUTS CROWD SCREAMS Aarrggghhh! TUMULTUOUS MUSIC BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION TO 'IT'S NOT UNUSUAL' # It's not unusual to be loved by anyone # It's not unusual to have fun with anyone # But when I see you hanging about with anyone # It's not unusual to see me cry # I want to die... # I've been calling you all day. The flight's been cancelled. Byron, there's Martians everywhere. DIAL TONE DIAL TONE Hello? Byron? Byron! I can't hear you! BYRON! Oh! (SIGHS) I've got to get to Washington. Byron! Byron! Byron! Do you know anyone who can fly a plane? Your husband, Art. No. He's dead. I told him this would happen. I even loaded a plane with supplies. I want to go to the Tahoe Caves. It's remote. The Martians won't find it. Well, where's the plane? A private airfield, over the freeway. Would it fly to Washington DC? Why? I'm going to Tahoe. # You find it happens all the time # And love will never do # What you want it to # Why can't this crazy love be mine? # GUITAR SOLO (MARTIANS SQUAWK TO RHYTHM) Jesus Christ! Girls, get out! Get out! HYSTERICAL SCREAMS Get out! Get out! There's a Martian right behind me! Hey! You're Tom Jones, right? SINGS: # It ain't unusual... # Tom, Tom! Can I have an autograph? Anybody got a pen? ZAPPING CROWD SCREAMS AND YELLS (GURGLES) COINS TINKLE Hey, that was a helluva punch! You're going to need that gun. I'm Tom Jones. Byron Williams. I saw you fight in Cardiff, Wales. Hey, Barbara, are you all right? Well...I need a drink. You and me both. We'd better escape. Can you fly a plane? Sure. You got one? She has. (CRIES OUT) TERRIFIED SHOUTS MARTIANS SQUEAK COMPUTER TRANSLATOR: Don't run. We are your friends. MEN CRY OUT SOFT, HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS The Martians blew up the doughnut shop. You kidding me? Shall I get Grandma? Grandma's halfway to outer space already! Here! Lock and load! Tell you one thing - they ain't getting the TV! CHILLING MUSIC PLAYS MAN ON INTERCOM: The President of France on line two. Mr President, the President of France is on line two. He says it's important. FRENCH ACCENT: Hello, Maurice. Ca va? Tres bien. I have some good news for you. The Martian ambassador is here and we have negotiated a settlement. Maurice, get out of the room. Get out now. ZAPPING MARTIANS SQUAWK SCREAMING Mon dieu! GUNFIRE, SHOUTING AND ZAPPING MILITARY DRUMS ROLL WHISPERS: Mr President. YELLS: Mr President! I need you to sign this! What is it? My last will and testament? It is an order to deploy our nuclear capabilities, sir. SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS MAN ON INTERCOM: Three, two, one... ...fire. MOMENTOUS MUSIC PLAYS (LAUGHS) KABOOM! MARTIANS SQUAWK EXCITEDLY WHOOSH! What the hell was that? (SQUEAKS MOCKINGLY) (INHALES) HIGH-PITCHED SQUAWKS (LAUGHS) (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (SPEAKS MARTIAN) SCREAMING (ROARS) (SPEAKS MARTIAN) 'THE DUKES OF HAZZARD' THEME PLAYS THE BEE GEES SING: # ..whether you're a mother # You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive # Feel the city breaking Everybody shaking... Look! MARTIANS PANT ELECTRONIC VIBRATION ELECTRONIC VIBRATION (SCREAMS) What was that?! Where are you going? I'm gonna get Grandma. No! You're defending this trailer! That's what Billy Glenn would've done. You leave here, you're disgracing an American hero! I don't care, I'm gonna go get Grandma. No! Richie! Come back here! What in the hell is that? Hey! (SQUEALS) (SCREAMS) This way! No, this way! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey, just because you're dressed like King Tut doesn't mean you're our leader. Look at this! This is wrong! We're lost! He led us down a maze! I'm going back to the hotel. This way! No, wait! Where are you going? Come on, Barbara! I like him! I do. Assholes! Why did I listen? I should've stayed in the hotel. Shit! I surrender, OK? You understand what that means - surrender? Look, you're intelligent beings. Hey, let's cut a deal. I can help you. I'm a lawyer. You want to conquer the world, you're gonna need lawyers, right? Here! You want my watch? Hey. Take it! Take it. Go on. It's a Rolex. Rolexxxx... Nice shot. Yeah - pity I was too late. Can I have the gun back? Give me the gun. Come on! DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS (LAUGHS) Arggh! EXPLOSION DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS (SQUAWKS) RICHIE: Grandma! SLIM WHITMAN YODELS TEETH CHATTER (SCREAMS) Oh my God. (SCREAMS) YODELLING CONTINUES (SCREAMS) SLIM WHITMAN SINGS: # When I'm calling you... Richie, I think these guys are very sick. What's happening to them? What's killing them? I think it must be my music. Halt! Shh! Quiet! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC EERIE MUSIC MARTIANS LAUGH (CHUCKLES) You think you can do anything you want? Well, you can't. You see, because we are human beings and we have the United States Army that'll fight you to the last man and we'll never surrender! Do you hear me?! We'll fight you on the beaches and on the street. We'll never, never surrender! As God is my witness, democracy will survive! We will never, never surrender! We will win! The eagle will be triumphant! No. (SPEAKS MARTIAN) Take cover! Look out! (SQUAWKS) Why are you doing this? UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS Why? Isn't the universe big enough... ...for both of us? (CHUCKLES) What is wrong with you people? We could work together. Why be enemies? Because we're different? Is that why? Think of the things that we could do. Think how strong we would be. Earth... ...and Mars... ...together. There is nothing that we could not accomplish. Think about it! Think about it. Why destroy, when you can create? We can have it all... ...or we can SMASH it all. Why can't we work out our differences? Why can't we... ...work things out? Little people... ...why can't we all just... ...get along? INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC BUILDS (SQUAWKS) What's this? LIVELY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC Arggh! (SQUAWKS) EERIE OPERATIC SINGING (SPEAKS MARTIAN) SLIM WHITMAN YODELS COMPUTER TRANSLATOR: Don't run. We are your friends. Don't run. We are your friends. Don't run. We are your friends. DISTANT YODELLING (SCREAMS) YODELLING CONTINUES (SPEAKS MARTIAN) Next stop, radio station. Oh, there it is! WOMEN SCREAM Let's move it! Oh! Oh! Oh! OK, let's go. Ooh. Oh! WOMEN SHRIEK DRAMATIC MUSIC Here it is. Tom, get it started. Barbara, go with him. Cindy, come with me. SLIM WHITMAN YODELS INTRODUCTION TO 'INDIAN LOVE CALL' Oh, Tom. Are you sure you can fly this? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. (TURNS RADIO ON) YODELLING Who put that on? (TURNS RADIO OFF) It's stuck! Cindy, over here. Ooh! (GASPS) They haven't seen us yet. Come here. Cindy. Get in the plane. What? I'm staying. I'll distract them. The first chance you get, you take off. I'm not leaving you! Just do it! I'll draw them away. Now go! No. I said go! Oh my God! What's he doing? He must've flipped! He's distracting them so we can escape. We can't leave him! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC No weapon. Clown outfit. It's me, Byron Williams - heavyweight champion... ...of the world! (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (SPEAKS MARTIAN) (CHANTS) (CHANTS) (SQUAWKS) DRAMATIC MUSIC WHOOSH! BANG! Something's happened. Something's happened to Byron. SLIM WHITMAN YODELS MARTIANS SCREAM SLIM WHITMAN SINGS: # When I'm calling you # You-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # Will you answer too? # Too-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # That means I offer my love to you... SPACESHIP WHIRRS YODELLING CONTINUES (BARKS) # Then I will know our love will come true # You belong to me # I belong # To you. # Goodbye, my darling. I wish things could have been different. So do I. Goodbye. I love you. I love you too, Nathalie. EXPLOSION EPIC MUSIC PLAYS GENTLE MUSIC ETHEREAL CHORAL MUSIC BRASS INSTRUMENTS PLAY THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER Florence Norris, I hereby present to you the Congressional Medal of Honour, the highest decoration our nation can bestow. Thank you, honey. But don't you dare let this happen again. Richard Norris, on behalf of my parents, who couldn't be here today, for saving the world from the Martians, I proudly present to you the Medal of Honour. You don't have to kiss me if you don't want to. I have to. I've prepared a speech. Is that all right? Sure, that's very appropriate. Hi, everybody. First I just want to say... I wanted to say that lots of people have done a lot more than I have and they're the ones that should be here now getting a medal. I want to thank my grandma for always being so good to me and for helping save the world and everything. So, I guess, like, now we just have to start over and start rebuilding everything, like our houses and... But I was thinking, maybe instead of houses, we could live in tepees cos it's better in a lot of ways. That's all I have to say. Thanks. Was that OK? Yeah. Do you got a girlfriend? No. Guys, come on, give me a break! Start cleaning up. I can't do it all by myself, please. Look at you. GENTLE MUSIC SOMBRE MUSIC MUSIC CRESCENDOES TRUMPETS PLAY TRIUMPHANT MUSIC UPLIFTING CHORAL MUSIC INTRODUCTION TO 'IT'S NOT UNUSUAL' PLAYS Yeah. TOM JONES SINGS: # It's not unusual to be loved by anyone. # It's not unusual to have fun with anyone # But when I see you hanging about with anyone # It's not unusual to see me cry # I want to die # It's not unusual to go out at any time # But when I see you out and about it's such a crime # But if I ever find that you've changed at any time # It's not unusual to find that I'm in love with you # Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh For a list of the week's captioned shows, see Teletext pp 321-327. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Captioning 2008