BELL RINGS PLAYS THE BLUES HONKS HORN D-oh! SCREAMS Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2013. HOMER'S VOICE: Hey, Bart Bart. Looks like a beautiful day to swipe some pic-a-nic baskets. BART'S VOICE: But Homie, Ranger Ned's not going to like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear. Well, hello there, Ho-diddily-omie. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to hand over that... (YELLS) (SCREAMS) Gee, Homie, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. You want some of this?! (GROWLS) Dad! Dad, wake up! Wake up! Oh! I was having the most wonderful dream. I had a hat and a tie with no pants on. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you promised to take us to the lake. I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father. Actually keeping promises would make you a good father. That would make me a great father. So are we going to the lake or what? Yes, we'll go to the darned lake! Now go back to bed. It's 4:00am. Ah, 4:00am. Now I'll never get back to... (SNORES) # Magilla gorilla. # gorilla for sale. # AS MAGILLA: Hey, you shouldn't have oughta taken my banana, Mr Peebles. (GROWLS, YELLS, HOOTS LIKE A MONKEY) Well, it looks like the lake is the place to be, huh? Well, if we'd left at 4:00am like I wanted to. Dad, you really should be watching the road. Hey, Homer, enough traffic for you? Homer, your spine! (DISMISSIVE SNORT) Screw this. Hang on, everyone. We're taking the old Simpson shortcut. So long, suckers! (CHUCKLES) Eat my dust, suckers! Stop calling everyone suckers. Ah, pesticides. Carbomate, if I'm not mistaken. Yep, carbomate. Tree! Tree! I see it. Hmm, this is such a secluded area. I wonder who lives in THAT HOUSE? HOMER: Well, way out in the sticks like this? It could only be hillbillies. So I suppose that's a hillbilly jacuzzi? Yep. That's where they cook up their vittles. Hey, here come the Simpsons. Now, be careful, Homer. There's a fella in the sand right in front of you. (YELLS) OK, remember where we parked. Homer? Is that my muffler? There you go and I assume you've read the boat safety manual? Oh, yeah. Couldn't put it down. Come on, boy. Let's get me a six-pack. Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol. Oh, that sounds like a wager to me. Life jackets? Check. Tow rope? Secure. Skier? Ready. Here we go. She's down. Oh, look at it go. Stay there, honey! We'll come back for you! Who... whoa! (SCREAMS) How's he doing? I don't know. I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing. Faster, Marge. Faster! The snapping turtles are massing! Heads up. Coming through. KIDS CRY Nice beach towel. You going to eat that? Hi, Apu. Oh, dear! You've ruined my work, you flying fat man! Hot! Ooh! Ooh! (SPUTTERS) (RELIEVED SIGH) Step on it, Mom! Dad's signalling that he wants to go higher! GURGLES: Higher. Bye-bye, fishies! Higher! Higher! I'm soaring -- soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Higher, Marge! Higher! It won't go any! Higher, I say! I want to soar higher than any man has ever soared! I want to look down on the clouds with contempt! I want to sneer at God's creation and spit on it! Uh-oh. There goes my turn. (BLUBBERS) Oh, this is not good. Ah, nuts. (YELLS) ALARM SOUNDS Huh, what? Oh, already? WOMAN YELLS What the hell? Sorry, lady. GASPS: I know you. You're Kim Bass-inger. It's Ba-singer. Oh my God. I'm such a huge, huge fan of yours, Miss Bassinger. Thanks. Um, listen, you think you could slide over a little? Well, I am a married man. You're crushing my husband. (GROANS) GASPS: Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin. Could you get off me? So what are you two kids doing in my neck of the woods? Well... Wait! Tell me over breakfast. Who's for pancakes? 1 Are you sure you don't wanna go the hospital, Mr Simpson? You had an awful lot of glass in you. Oh, I don't want to be a bother. Anyway, what are you two big Hollywood stars doing in good old Springfield? Oh, sometimes, we need to get away from Hollywood. LA is just so phony. Why didn't you just move to, say... Bethesda? Not phony enough. What we really like here is the privacy. Most people don't even know where Springfield is. Yeah. To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure. We're trying to keep a low profile. We don't even go to the supermarket. Yeah, we've been living off congratulatory muffin baskets. Blech! Zucchini. Don't just put that back in the basket. I'm going to eat it later. You shouldn't have to survive on dry, crumbly muffins from... the Gersh Agency. You should let me do your shopping. I know where I can get you some great muffins. No more muffins. OK, fine, but I could do all kinds of stuff for you. I noticed that skylight in your bedroom's broken. Yeah, I'm not sure we need an assistant, Mr Simpson. Please. Homer. Come on. If you let me hang around awhile I can do all kinds of stuff for you. Well, we are down to our last roll of toilet paper. And I have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week. I suppose we could give it a try. Yeah. You owe me that much. OK, you're on, but look. Nobody knows we're in Springfield and we want to keep it that way. Will you promise to keep our secret? Absolutely, if you promise to keep mine. OK. What is it? I can't read. But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency. I recognised the logo. (WHISTLES) Homie, are you OK? We've been looking all over for you, Dad. Where did you land? Nowhere famous. Where'd you get that muffin? Gersh Agency. Apu, I'm about to purchase some weird and fruity items and I don't want any guff. First of all, I'll need the following mushrooms: Portobello... Yes. porcini... Right. chanterelle... Uh-huh. and shitake. OK, we have none of those. What is next? A gallon of wheat grass juice, a five-pound wad of tofu some jellied zinc and a couple of pairs of $600 sunglasses. Mr Simpson, these exotic items are suspiciously different from your usual order of beer and pork. What gives? Uh... nothing, nothing. I'm just broadening my horizons. By the way, do you have extra-wide bumper stickers for a Humvee? Wow! You got everything, Homer even the Oscar polish! Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest? You're taking the finish off. When you win one you can take care of it however you want. Whoo! Meow. DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it! I'll get it! Yes? Hi. I'm Ron Howard. Ron Howard! Yeah, I'm looking for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. GASPS: Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger? Hey. We heard you were looking for a place in Springfield. Yeah, well, it's the only town in America that will let me fish with dynamite. Uh... what's with him? Oh, that's just Homer. He's a new friend of ours. Really? You giant stars consider me a friend? Well, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm somebody. Ronny, are you also my close friend? Do I smell vodka and wheat grass? It's called a lawnmower. I invented it. You want one? Yeah, OK. And I'll have a rum and zinc. Ooh, I'll have one of those, too. Hey, can I crash here tonight? Sure. We'll all stay. A cell phone? Last Thursday's Variety? (WHISTLES) GASPS: I'll do that. You go upstairs and have a beer. Homer, when did you become a member of PETA? Well, you know me. I love animals: beef, chicken, veal. If you're not part of the solution, Marge you're part of the problem. But that's not what PETA... PHONE RINGS Imagine Films. Huh? A, uh, division of, um... Homerco. And lift and strain and hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back. Homer, I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck. That's right. Force it. Whip that neck! Um... um, does anybody know where this came from? Oh, there's that movie script I wrote! Where did you find it? On my pillow. The important thing is it's got the perfect part for you-- either one of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct. I am not. Well, he expressed an interest. No, I didn't. Did, too. I did not! You lie! Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts are 120 pages. This is only 17, and several of the pages are just drawings of the time machine. So you're saying you don't want to star in my movie? I'm sorry, Homer. Well, if Alec is out, I'm out, too. You're on your own, Potsie. The Terminizor: an erotic thriller. So I'm in the grocery store the other day buying some cotton balls... The absorbent kind? You got that right, my friend. CHEERS So I round the corner and I head down the ointment aisle when who should I spot? None other than Kent Brockman. The local news guy? Mr Channel Six? ALL MUTTER AMAZEMENT My God! What I'd give to meet him. They don't come much bigger than that. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Kent Brockman. Please! Oh, what, I suppose you've seen a bigger star? I might have. Come on. Make with a name. Oh... I can't. I promised I wouldn't. Oh, yeah, right. You ain't seen nobody. Please don't tell anyone we're here. You've got to keep our secret, Homer. Homer, we're out of vodka. Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know about the celebrity summer house. Who the hell are you? What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear. All right. I'm going to let you guys in on something but you've got to keep it much more secret than I did. (GRUNTS) Yes! In your freckled face, Howard! MUTTERS: How could he miss that? What? Nothing, nothing. Good hustle. My God. The lemonade. Look at the lemonade! DISTANT RUMBLING Uh-oh. PEOPLE CLAMOURING Quick! Everybody inside. The shuttlecock! Where's the shuttlecock?! CLAMOURING YELLING, CHEERING Arr, I loved Splash, Mr Howard. It was totally... arr! Uh, Miss Basinger, those red pumps you wore in LA Confidential were fabulous. Where could I get a pair for my, uh, mother? She wears a 12, double "E." Alec, Alec! Regarding that so-called silent propulsion system in The Hunt for Red October, I printed out a list of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing. CLAMOURING CONTINUES Somebody must have told them we live here. I'm looking at you, Horshack. Homer, how could you? OK, OK, it was me. I'm sorry I blew your secret but you don't know what it's like to be a nobody. I just wanted to bask in your reflected glory. Reflected glory! Homer, you betrayed our confidence, and I just don't think we can be friends anymore. But... where will I bask? Anywhere but here. Come on, Ron. We're not wanted here. All right, I'll go, but the next time you want someone to remind you which brother is which or smell your hair while you're sleeping just remember: old Homer won't be here anymore. Wait a minute. Somebody's coming out. Who is it? Is it anybody? Nah, nah. It's nobody. Throw your stones. It's nobody. 1 Oh. How could Alec and Kim just cut me out of their lives? Homer, you haven't touched your food. Oh, when Kim makes a manwich she uses focaccia bread, and would it kill you to put some fennel in it? Alec Baldwin? Wow! That is the coolest person you've ever been fired by. What was it like at their house? Oh, it was so great. I didn't have to fake it with them. I was actually excited to hear about their day. I washed the dog today. Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies? Of course not. Oh... our dog isn't famous and you kids aren't exactly John and Joan Cusack and you, you couldn't open a movie if your life depended on it. I'm about ready to ankle this family. "Ankle"? "Focaccia"? What are you talking about? See?! It's like we don't even speak the same language anymore! The only one who understands me is that guy who married Martha Raye. Don't blame us, Dad. The celebrities are the ones who canned you. Hmm, she may not be famous, but she's right. Those big shot stars used me up and spit me out! I did their laundry, got their pictures developed took their garbage to the dump, and I still got a car full of their crap. Crap, eh? Hey, is it too late to see the movie stars? Nah, nah, just hop that fence sneak up and, uh, peek in the window there. All right. CRACKLING (LAUGHS) I never get tired of that. HOMER ON THE PA: Attention, star-struck fools! Step right up and see the world's greatest mobile collection of Alec and Ron and Kim-orabilia. CLAMOURING Only $5... no, wait. $10. You heard right. $20! Hey, it's Alec Baldwin's Medic-Alert bracelet! That's right. Mr Tough Guy can't handle a little penicillin. Oh, and look at this. We can't even pay our bills and they're drinking... MOCKS: Royal Crown cola. Hey, hey, go easy on the celebrities, eh? Come on, give them a break. We love celebrities. We love celebrities. Oh, yeah? What have they ever done for you? When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell you! Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger! Oh, look. Wasn't that a fun weekend? Yeah. Homer was a pretty good guy, and we just tossed him out like a Golden Globe award. I've got to admit I miss the way he used to tuck us in and kiss us on the forehead. Forehead? Ah, maybe I should have made his movie. Yeah, it wasn't that bad. I mean, the script might even work if you got rid of the talking pie. What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture. Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours. Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that (!) No, no, no. You can't lose the pie. The pie is your heart. OK, OK. Keep the damn pie. The point is, we weren't fair to Homer. He screwed up, but he deserves another chance. Yeah, everyone makes mistakes. I mean, we'd want another chance if one of us ever made a bad film, right? I'm really looking forward to seeing Homer again. He always has the most interesting odours. Ooh, look at me! I'm Kim Basinger, the big movie star. I'm so beautiful. I think I'm so great. I'm too important to take Homer to the Oscars. What the...? (SHRIEKS) Thank you for supporting the museum of Hollywood Jerks. TYRES SQUEAL Let's get him. And this time, it's personal. What? It is personal. He's got our underpants! HORN TOOTS Oh, I'll never outrun them in a museum! Pull over, you maniac! No! Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far. Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy. Gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes. (IMITATES A CHICKEN) Fine. (GRUNTS) (SHRIEKS) (LAUGHS) Hey, I made it all by myself. Hey, were you watching, sweetheart? I made it! Ow! YELLS: My watch is caught! Oh, for the love of... Hold on. Can you drive? Not well, but I'll give it a shot. (GRUNTS) Oh God! BOTH SCREAM I guess it's up to me. (GROANS) Ron! Ron! You killed Ron Howard! OK, I'll stop. GAVEL BANGS Mr Simpson, do you have anything to say for yourself? Yes, I do. I believe that famous people have a debt to everyone. If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively. (GROANS) In closing, you people must realise that the public owns you for life and when you're dead you'll all be in commercials dancing with vacuum cleaners. Thank you, Your Honour. Mr Simpson, you are forbidden to come within 500 miles of any celebrity, living or dead. Whoo-hoo! Well, I'll always have my crank calls. PHONE DIALS Hello, old lady from Titanic? You stink! (LAUGHS) And it grows to a powerful emotional climax when the father has to choose which one of his children will live and which one will die. Pass. (SOBS) What else you got? Uh... well, well, there is this one thing. It's about a killer robot driving instructor that travels back in time for some reason. I'm listening. OK, OK, well, you see, this robot he's got a heartbreaking decision to make about whether his best friend lives... or dies. Eh. His best friend's a talking pie. Sold! Howard, you've done it again. # These happy days are yours and mine. These happy days are yours and mine. Happy days. # Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014.