1 Able 2009. (Woman reads) Name. (Types) Annie Braddock. Age. 21. Area of interest. Anth-ro-pology. "Describe your work experience as it relates to your intended field." My God. Where do I begin? WOMAN OVER P.A.: Attention. The Museum of Natural History will be closing in 15 minutes. Please exit the hall via the western staircase. (CHEERFUL TRIBAL MUSIC) ANNIE: 'Child-rearing Around the World' boasts a wide variety of customs and mores. But perhaps the most bizarre social patterns can be found within the small island community of Manhattan. MAN: Asshole! (CAR HORN BLARES) The inhabitants of the region known as the Upper East Side had the most prosperous yet idiosyncratic social systems on the planet. After successfully mating and producing offspring, the men are often distant and uninvolved, leaving their women to hunt, gather and provide for their families. Yet, the resourceful mothers of the Upper East Side have plenty of time to participate in a variety of sex-role-specific activities. These include body mutilation, sacred meditation, even fasting rituals. (TOILET FLUSHES) Which brings us to our focus on child-rearing. Who actually does it? Well, in Africa they have a saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," but for the tribe of the Upper East Side, it takes just one person - the nanny. OK, so, what's depicted here is not a typical tribal ritual but rather the unravelling of one such nanny. Actually, this nanny is me, and why I'm telling off the teddy bear is the subject of this field diary. If, by chance, my report stereotypes or geographically profiles, forgive me. I'm not exactly an objective observer. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (Man calls graduates over P.A.) Yeah! Annie Braddock - high honours in business, minor in anthropology. ANNIE: So here I am a few months before the teddy bear incident. Whoo-hoo! A native New Jersey girl participating in a dreaded rite-of-passage ceremony. Oh! (LAUGHTER) MAN: Spaz! ANNIE: And here's the woman who reared me pretty much all by herself. She's a nurse. Note the shoes. What is it? You'll see. Oh! Wow. Thank you. I know it's not much, but I wanted to buy your first business suit. Thanks. (Chuckles) Thank you. You can look back on this when you're a famous CFO. Oh, Mom, gosh. Come on, it's one meeting at Goldman Sachs. It's highly competitive. I'm probably never gonna get the job. All right, stop with the negativity. Your father was always negative. Look what it got him. BOTH: A double-wide trailer at Scranton. Honey, I'm not kidding. I would give the world to be sitting where you're sitting right now. You are so much smarter than I was. No man is gonna squash your dreams. No-one's gonna tell you how to live your life. Well, maybe I'm...maybe I'm not CFO material, you know? No, what if I'm better suited at something else? Like what? Anthropology? Honey, how are you gonna make a living at that? Look, if you really wanna run around in grass skirts, then make enough money to spend Christmas at Club Med. (KNOCK AT DOOR) MOTHER: Annie, it's 7:15! (TRAIN HORN BLARES) MOTHER: Get moving or you're gonna be late! (MAN ANNOUNCES ARRIVALS OVER P.A.) (Sighs) Ugh! (Yawns) (Laughs) Oh, goodness! I have to admire this corporate drag. Wow. At least I'm not wearing last night's outfit at 8am, party girl. Let's just say that you missed a fabulous throw down and Tom Waylon was there. So? He asked about you. Twice. All right, well, I gotta go. Real life awaits. God. You know, I bet none of those cultures you study practise such rigorous celibacy. You ever hear of the Shakers? Yes, and they're extinct! Excuse me, sir? Sir? Yeah? I got off at the wrong stop. Can you tell me where Chambers Street is, please? You see the building with the red umbrella? Yes. It's about five blocks below that. Oh, shit! WOMAN: Our financial analyst training program is so competitive. We have over 8,000 applicants for 10 positions. So why don't you tell me, in your own words, who exactly is Annie Braddock? Wow, that's... (Chuckles) ..that's certainly an easy enough question. Mm-hm. Um... Annie Braddock is a kind... Well... I...I am, um... Go on. Well, you see... Mm-hm? I have absolutely no idea. Excuse me. "Who is Annie Braddock?" It wasn't exactly a trick question, yet, somehow, I couldn't formulate a response. Of course, I knew all the basic facts - date of birth, home town, socioeconomic make-up - but I didn't really know who I was, where I fit in, who I was gonna be. I was suddenly terrified I'd never find the answer. I need five bolts of fabric overnighted from London. I don't care how much it costs. SONG: # Oh, oh, oh # You're a native New Yorker... # ANNIE: How about her? This woman - could she be Annie Braddock? # You should know by now # You're a native New Yorker... # Hmm. Or perhaps this is Annie Braddock. # You grew up # Riding the subways # Running with people # Up in Harlem, down on Broadway # There you are lost in the shadows # Searching for someone # You're the heart and soul of New York City... # ANNIE: On that spring afternoon, it seemed my future was finally set. A Central Park bag lady I would be. At least I'd finally get to live in Manhattan. But before I officially surrendered to fate, something - or, rather, someone - intervened. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY ON HEADPHONES) Mmm. Whoa! (Woman screams) WOMAN: Arggh! CYCLIST: Whoa! Hello there. Hi. Are you OK? Get off of me, you pervert! Sorry. Do you belong to anyone, little man? WOMAN: Grayer! I belong to you. (Laughs) WOMAN: Grayer! Oh, God. Thank you so much. I've just averted a minor disaster. ANNIE: The woman featured here - the one wearing the Dior snakeskin jacket and Louis Vuitton shoes - is, unfortunately, not Annie Braddock. She is, in fact, a perfect female specimen from the Upper East Side clan. For the purpose of this case study, we'll just call her Mrs X. Hi. I'm Mrs X. Let me apologise for my feral son. Oh, no. No need to apologise. Please. I love kids. I'm Annie. You're a nanny? Oh! Oh, no, I'm not. No wonder! You're so good with children. No, I'm not... Yeah, actually I just lost my nanny, Birdie, which is...is why I'm out in this godforsaken park by myself. She left us to go get married. Oh, right. Oh, my God. Are...are you employed? No, unfortunately, I... Fabulous! Look, here is my card. Please, please, please call me later this week. We'll schedule a lunch - anywhere you'd like to go. I'm sorry... The Mark, the Four Seasons... Unfortunately, I have to run, but I really look forward to hearing from you. I'm sorry, I really think you misunderstood me. I have a very good feeling about this. Call me. Pardon me. I couldn't help but overhear. I'm looking for a new nanny too. Oh, I... Can I give you my card as well? Excuse me? I pay well above average. WOMAN 1: I have a card too. Call me. WOMAN 2: I have a place in the Hamptons. WOMAN 3: Donald Trump lives in my building! ANNIE: It seemed that fate now offered me a wonderful alternative - an opportunity to completely duck out of my life. So I decided, for one summer, to abandon Annie and trade her in for a brand-new persona - nanny. Of course, there was one tiny problem. Everything I knew about nannying came from the movies. Even so, I fell asleep confident that I'd magically find my way. MOTHER: Annie? Annie! (DOGS HOWL) MOTHER: Annie? WOMAN: Ya-hoo-hoo! MOTHER: Get your feet on the ground, young lady! Hmm. The fact that I had no childcare experience mattered little to the matriarchs of the Upper East Side. Even though I don't have a job, I just don't seem to have enough time for myself. ANNIE: All they needed to know was that I was white, a college grad and terminally single. As you can see, my husband and I are getting a divorce. So you and the kids must remain on my side of the apartment at all times until the custody battle is settled. (Clears throat) Oh! In short, I was the Chanel bag of nannies. I heard through the grapevine you've been meeting with a lot of people, so I thought you might appreciate a civilised lunch at Bergdorf's rather than being interviewed at the apartment. Well, thank you. That's very considerate. (Chuckles) Not really. I just love to eat out. I'll probably come up with a million excuses for us to go have lunch, if you end up with us, I mean. Ready? Uh, do you know what you're having? I mean, I don't mean to rush you, but I'm attending a two o'clock lecture at the Parent Society - 'Super Mom, Trying to Juggle it All'. (Giggles) Um, I'll just have the burger. Thanks. I can't guarantee that the meat here is antibiotic-free. But the chef here is from Brittany, so I highly recommend the crepe bretonne Deux, s'il vous plait. OK. Excellent choice. Thanks. (Sighs) (Chuckles) You're from New Jersey? (Clears throat) Unfortunately. Oh, no, there are some very lovely parts of that state. Friends of ours have a horse farm in Upper Saddle River. Really? Mm-hm. I...I hear it's really nice there. I'll have to take you riding there one day. OK, tell me more. I want to know all about you. Uh... I'm from Connecticut, actually. Yeah, I...I went to Smith. And don't believe the rumours - we weren't all lesbians. (Laughs) After graduation, I moved here and started running Gygozium. The art gallery. Oh. It was a blast. But, really, you can't do that sort of thing when you're raising a child. I mean, the parties, the schmoozing, the travel. Oh, excuse me. Oh! It's you! Bitsy! Bitsy, I've so been meaning to call. Is there anything at all I can do? Not unless you know a hit man. That lawyer Jeanie Whitman recommended was no help at all. I am so sorry. It turns out all our assets are actually in Tucker's company's name. All I'm getting is a million flat. That's appalling! If I'd known it would go this far, I would've just turned a blind eye. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your lunch before I ruin that too. I'll call you later this week, sweetheart. Such a shame, but she should've seen it coming. Everyone else did. Anyway, where were... Ah, yes! After Gygozium, I met Mr X. You know, my grandmother worked as a domestic so we wouldn't have to and here you are, fresh out of college, voluntarily taking a nanny gig. I told you this is not a life-long commitment, OK? It's just a way for me to get my head together. Besides, the money is great. I finally get to move to the city. I'm moving to the city to go to grad school, not to be somebody's servant. Plus, you know you're wrong or you wouldn't be lying to your mother. This is all just happening too fast. I don't understand why you can't just live at the house for a while just to get on your feet. Mom, I lived at home through college. Don't you think that's long enough? Well, how could you find a decent apartment so fast? The bank has, you know, an excellent program. They've got me hooked up with a trainee, which is great. I'm getting in the car. Can I come with you? Mom... I would feel a lot better if I could at least see where you were living. Come on, the other trainees, they went to... ..fancy boarding schools and European exchange programs. If I show up with my mom, I'll just look like a big dork. I guess that makes sense. Come here. I love you. Let me know the minute I can visit you. I'll call you when I get there, OK? Mmm. (Sings) # Freedom... # Get down! # Freedom... # Hey, you're gonna get me a ticket. # Freedom! # Give for what you take... # You're crazy! # Freedom, uh, uh (Sings) # Freedom (Both sing) # Freedom # You got to give for what you take... # ANNIE: I love that song. (Speaks indistinctly) You're free, girl. That's OK. I'll take the rest. Oh, thank you. I can't believe this. I could get used to this. I'm telling you that. Thank God I'm getting a shrink degree. You know, I love you, but you're harsh. A little bit. Just give me a hug. (Laughs) Mwah! I'll see you soon, I'm sure. Annie... ..you know, the path of least resistance, it can lead through a minefield. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, hi. You are the new nanny? Yes, and you must be Maria. Nice to meet you. Hmm. Can I come in? (Sighs) OK. Leave it there. The floor is clean. Wow. This place is incredible! I hope you last longer than the last one. Who? Birdie? Oh, yeah, Mrs X told me that she left to get married. Married?! She had one date and she get fired. (Hisses) Oh, Maria, are you gonna tell Mrs X that I've arrived? Mrs X is shopping, but she left you a note on the table. Now, I have to go run the vacuum, OK? (Mutters in Spanish) (VACUUM HUMS) MRS X: Dear Nanny, welcome! ANNIE: Please make note that, from here on in, I'm referred to as 'Nanny' by all the people in the X's social network. MRS X: I'm so excited to have you on board. Please make yourself completely at home. Manuel is making you your own set of keys. You should have them by tomorrow. The fridge is well stocked. Tofu cutlets?! Ugh. MRS X: Help yourself to anything. Eugh. MRS X: Sorry I could not be there to meet you, but I'm trying to squeeze in a little shopping before my Parent Society meeting. Which reminds me - please pick Grayer up from the Christian preschool at 2:15 sharp. It's extremely important not to be late. Oooh! As you can see, I have attached a list of basic house rules. Hello, Manolo. We believe it's important to maintain some sense of structure in our home for Grayer's sake. (DOOR OPENS) Rule number one - Grayer and his playmates are never allowed in the master bedroom. Of course, you should refrain from entering our bedroom as well. Rule number two - Grayer is never allowed to nap during the day. ANNIE: No naps? MRS X: This throws his sleeping schedule completely off and I prefer him tired when I get home. Rule number three - we just had the walls redone. Please keep Grayer from rubbing up against them. Rule number four - if school is ever cancelled, the following non-structured outings are permissible. The Met, the Morgan Library, the French Culinary Institute, the New York Stock Exchange. Rule number five - we do not take the subway because of germs. ANNIE: Oh, God! MRS X: Rule number six - Grayer still must be in a stroller when crossing Park or Madison. Rule number seven - Grayer maintains a high-soy, organic diet. Rule number eight - practise French with Grayer at least three times a week. His father wants him to attend Collegiate, where he's currently waitlisted. French? Holy merde. His acceptance is a top priority. Oh, dear. MRS X: Nanny? (Farts) Ohhh... Nanny? Oh! What are you doing? The...the note said to pick up Grayer from school at 2:15. Mmm. And it's only...it's only 1:00. So I...I was a little sweaty from moving and I thought that I would, you know... What I mean is what are you doing in that bathtub and why are your bags strewn all over the guestroom? I thought that was my room. No. No, Nanny. This is your room. Ohhh! OK. Yeah, this is... (BEDSPRINGS CREAK) ...very sweet. Oh. (SIRENS WAIL) 1 I'm sorry, do you have the time? (European accent) 2:15. So they'll be getting out any time now? 2:45. I'm sorry? They get out every day at 2:45! Dumb ass. ANNIE: It quickly became clear that Mrs X has arranged for me to arrive everywhere tortuously early. Get ready, ladies! Here they come. (SCHOOL BELL RINGS, CHILDREN SHRIEK HAPPILY) ANNIE: Grayer? Grayer? Grayer X? Who is it you're looking for? Grayer. (Scottish accent) I know that one. He plays with my wee monster Darwin. Hi-ya! Ow! Oh, Grayer, there you are. Hey, little man. You remember me? Hey, little man. You remember me? Yes, and I hate you! What? Come on. We get along great, remember? Like when we met in Central Park. Let me get your backpack. Mmm! Stop. Grayer, stop. Help! Police! She's hurting me! They usually start out that way, you know. Yes. Danger, danger! Just be patient, aye? Let me put you in your stroller. SCOTTISH NANNY: It'll get easier! Hold on one second. I'm too big for a stroller! Grayer! Help! Police! Grayer! Grayer! Grayer, Grayer! Come... I hate you. I want Birdie. I know, honey. I know you want Birdie. Birdie had to leave to get married or go on a date or something, OK? But I promise we're gonna have a lot of fun together. Honestly. Alright? And let me see how handsome you look in your uniform. What's that? Oh. Don't touch that! It belongs to my daddy! I hate you! I want Birdie! Grayer. Already, one had to wonder - what kind of culture would turn a father's business card into a security blanket? (ELEVATOR DINGS) ANNIE: Here we are. Home sweet home. First mission accomplished. Grayer, get up off the floor. It's very dirty! Mn-mmm. I have an idea. Why don't we race to the front door? OK, last one there's a rotten egg! I'm not stupid. You're just gonna let me win. No, I am a mighty good runner, mister. Not with your pants down! Oh, my God! Damn. Oh, shit, the stroller! (DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS) Shit. Grayer!? You said a curse. I'm telling Mommy! Grayer, I am not kidding. Open this door right now. Maria? Touch my fingers. Ow! I am not letting go until you open the door! Ow! Pardon me. I think this belongs to Grayer. It rode the elevator to the 12th floor. Thank you. You're welcome. Sorry. We're having a little bit of a situation here. (Chuckles) By the way, my name's... (BLEEP) ANNIE: Since my job required a vow of chastity, it was essential that I avoided all intimacies, especially first names. For the purpose of this field diary, let's just call him 'Harvard Hottie'. I'm the X's new nanny. Oh. Very new, as you can probably tell. GRAYER: I'm taking off all my clothes. (Scoffs) That seems to be popular on this floor. Mind if I take a crack at him for you? Be my guest. Hey, Grayer, it's your pal from upstairs. Hey, would you be a sport and unlock the door? It's not nice to lock people out. Please, buddy? (LOCK CLICKS) Hey. Why are you here? Oh, I'm just helping out my new friend.... Annie. Annie. Annie the nanny. She's your friend? Yes, she's my friend. Isn't she your friend too? Not yet. Thank you. Any time. Suddenly, the world's most notorious loner had two new men in her life. Unfortunately, I knew that the big one was off limits. Based on my observations, guys like Harvard Hottie only slum it when they're in college. So instead of following my heart, I focused on finding a way into Grayer's. Please, stay, Grayer. Stay. (FABRIC RIPS) Oh! Befriending Grayer certainly wasn't easy. Oh! (Laughs) La, la, la, la! But then again, Margaret Mead didn't run home every time she contracted malaria. Oh! Oh. You're in trouble! I thought this job was supposed to be a way to get your head together. Two weeks in, and you already sound depressed, dejected and paranoid. Yeah, you forgot to mention 'malnourished'. I swear, all these people eat is bean curd and Seltzer. Urgh. Even the ice-cream is made out of tofu. So why don't you come down and have dinner with us, then? My new roomie's making gumbo. MAN: It's not gumbo. It's Creole bouillabaisse. I don't get it. You move to the city, and overnight your life becomes 'Will & Grace'. I'm here, knee-deep in... (BEEP!) Shit. It's probably Mom. She's the only one that has this number. 'Bye. Hello. Annie? ANNIE: Hi. Oh, my God. An entire week has gone by and you haven't called me back. Mom, I told you I was going to be so busy with work. Oh, come on. You can't find five minutes to call your worried mother? How are you, honey? How's the job? How's the apartment? Uh, God. Everything is just perfect. I mean, the job is a dream. A little challenging. So rewarding, though. And the apartment is just incredible. Yeah? And my room-mate could not be nicer. In the morning I need you to stop at Tiffany's and pick up Mr X's watch, and Xerox the recommendation letters for Grayer's Collegiate application. Also, I was thinking, we should introduce French food into his diet. It might enhance his study of the language. Tomorrow night, why don't you make him coquilles St Jacques for dinner? Annie? Dry-cleaning. MOTHER: Who was that, your room-mate? Have to go. I have work stuff to take care of. Wait a minute. I want to make a plan to visit. A... (Man sings) # Che che kole # Che che kafisa (Children sing) # Che che kafisa # Kafisa langa # Co co shi langa # Koom ma dye day Koom ma dye day... # WOMAN: Hi, ladies. So, I took Madison to the doctor this morning. She had grown three inches in six months. You take her to the doctor too? Darling, I do everything. My job is a type C. Mmm. Type C? What's type C? Oh, Jesus. OK, newbie. Pay attention, hey? Basically, there's three types of nanny gigs. OK, type A - you provide 'couple time' a few nights a week for women who work all day and parent at night. Type B - you provide 'sanity time' every after afternoon, mind, to a woman who mothers in the mornings and evenings. And type C, the most common - you provide 24/7 me time to the woman who neither works nor mothers. So, which one are you? I am type C, no question. Hmm. Although, when I started I had no idea. I thought it would be a kind of fun and easy job. You'd think a college graduate would choose a job a little more wisely. Actually, this job kind of chose me. Chose you? Please, child. I left my country because I thought I could give my boy and my sick mother a better life. I was supposed to be here two or three years, tops. And while I've been raising these strangers' children, my own child has grown up without a mother. That's how this job chose me. 1 (Reads) Half a tablespoon of tarragon. That's dried. I like fresh. Well, you know what, dried's all we got, OK, kiddo? I hate coquilles Jacques. I want sushi. Well, then tell your mother you want to learn Japanese. OK. Argh! GRAYER: Ha ha! I'm telling Mommy. You're in trouble. OK. That's it. No. Mommy says they're full of high-fructose corn syrup. Well, what Mommy doesn't know won't hurt her. OK, Mr Tattletale? Eat it. Go on. Right out of the jar. It's OK. Mmm. Mmm. It's yummy, isn't it? This is fun. Yeah? This is fun. This is fun. And this fun meal has to be our little secret, OK? OK. OK. Hey, you know, we could do lots of fun things. We just have to be friends and we have to trust each other. OK? Mm-hm. Maybe you should have a secret name too. You want a secret name? Yeah, I want a secret name. OK. Um... How about SpongeBob? No, it's silly. No? All right, what about, um... What about Grover? Grover, I love Grover. You do? Alright. Grover it is. (DOOR OPENS) MR X: Where's my little munchkin? Daddy! Daddy's home. MR X: Huh? Yay! Daddy, Daddy! Oh, I hear him. I hear him. GRAYER: Daddy. MR X: Hey, there he is. MR X: Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry. Are you a little monster? Remember what happens to little monsters? Come here for a minute. No, Daddy! You remember that or not? What's wrong with you, huh? (Giggles) Daddy, stop it! Daddy. Come here for a minute and get viciously tickled. (Laughs) Daddy, stop it. Hey, are you my little superstar? Yeah. Are you? Mm-hm. Gonna take over the world? Come on. Answer me. Are you going to take over the world? Yes. (Giggles) When are you going to do? Next year. Next year's not soon enough. Well, you must be Mr X. I'm the new nanny. Yeah? Keep him quiet tonight, will you? I've got a merger I'm working on. I don't get some decent shut-eye tonight, somebody around here's going to be accountable. GRAYER: Daddy, come see my dinosaur. GRAYER: Daddy, come see my dinosaur. MR X: Daddy's got work to do, buddy. Please? (DOOR CLOSES) Hey. Grayer, don't... Don't be sad. It's OK. ANNIE: Daddy's just tired. Grover. Hey, you want to finish our fun meal? Come on. Yeah. (Sings) # Frere Jacques Frere Jacques # Dormez-vous Dormez-vous # Sonnez les matines Sonnez les matines... # Nanny. Yeah, Grove? You'll never leave me like Birdie, will you? Um... Grover, you know, I... Promise? I'm not going anywhere, you know that, right, honey? Right, Grove? ('AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL' PLAYS) MRS X: Dear Nanny, Please remember that today is the Fourth of July family party at Mr X's office. It probably slipped your mind that costumes are required, so I took it upon myself to have some delivered. This is itchy. I know, sweetheart. Why do we have to dress up? ANNIE: Freedom, Grove. It's all in the name of freedom. Hey, guys. Who's that? That's the nanny, dear. You've met her. What happened to Louisa? MRS X: That was two nannies ago, silly. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) (Sighs) Yeah? Daddy, I'm George Washington. OK. Tickle me. MR X: No, I understand that, Dan, because the bastard's selling low. Miranda. Grayer, come on, buddy. Cut it out. Daddy. (Laughs) Uh-huh. Yes, yes, we're coming. No, it's just my kid. Yeah, we're coming. Right. Well, what? That's what I was thinking. Want me to call him? I couldn't believe it. GRAYER: Where's my card? Daddy! MR X: What? Your what? GRAYER: Where's my card?! I want to go home. Smile, Grover. ANNIE: We're going to go to a party. GRAYER: That's not my card. Where's my card? MR X: Get off that phone and tell the nanny to give him his damn card. MRS X: Sorry. Nanny. MR X: Turn the car around. MR X: Talk to the nanny. MRS X: Go back and get the card. (ELEVATOR DINGS) Hold the elevator! (Laughs) I'm sorry. That's OK. Don't be. At least I'm fully dressed this time, so... That's OK. Don't be. At least I'm fully dressed this time, so... (Laughs) I'm so sorry. It's not funny. I don't mean to be laughing. (Chuckles) You look very patriotic. Well, yeah. Let me hit your floor. Oh, no. It's OK. I got it. Didn't grow up with the staff doing everything for me, so... Neither did I. (ELEVATOR DINGS) Really? You must have had it really rough, then. OK, well, glad to give you a good laugh. (MUTED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) WOMAN: My husband and I are taking our second honeymoon in Provence. (UPBEAT MUSIC AND CHEERING) I'm looking for Mr X. Have you seen him? No, sorry. Wouldn't know him if I did. Grove, come on. What's wrong? Why won't you shake your booty? I have to make a doody. Oh. Come on. (Child cries) Hey, Grover, I think the bathroom's the other way. My daddy has one in his office. Yeah? I want to go to my daddy's bathroom. OK. (Woman giggles) (Woman giggles) MR X: Uh-huh. (Gasps) WOMAN: Oh. Why is Daddy tickling that lady? I'm sorry. Grayer just had to use the bathroom. So use it already. I... Hello, Grayer. Remember me? I work with your daddy in the Chicago office. Let go. I have to make a doody. Oh. (Laughs) (DOOR SLAMS) So, you must be the nanny. Uh, yes. I, um... I'll get out of your... I'll wait in the hall. (DOOR CLOSES) So sorry. (Sighs) God. Grayer, hurry up. Your mom's coming. Hey, sweetie. Did Grayer hear from the waiting list committee yet? No. Why? Oh, I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, but the Bairds did and Darwin got in. Please don't say anything about Collegiate or Darwin to my husband. (Knocks frantically) Sure. (Sighs) Oh, hi, pumpkin. There you are. Oh, you've met before in Chicago, right? Yes. Hello. Lovely to see you. Nice to see you as well. Excuse me. Thanks again. Where have you been? Oh, making calls. Where's the chow? The entire time? Yeah. (THUNDER RUMBLES) ANNIE: Male monogamy remains an elusive, yet much mythologised practice throughout the world. In many Bedouin tribes, powerful men are encouraged to take multiple wives. In contemporary France, mistresses are de rigueur and quietly tolerated. But for the women of the Upper East Side, adultery is pathologically ignored. MR X: Nobody warned me we were going to have a therapy session. MRS X: It's just that I didn't see you at all at the party. I was trying to sneak in a little work, OK? Forgive me for making a living. But everybody else was participating, every family that was there. Everybody else doesn't pull down what I do every year. I had my family there and I was present and accounted for. And now I would really appreciate a moment of peace and quiet, 'cause, frankly, I'm exhausted. (THUNDER CRASHES) ANNIE: Bonjour, Pierre. (MUFFLED SHOUTING) Bonjour. Comment allez-vous? (SHOUTING CONTINUES) Bien, merci. Et vous? Ah, comme ci comme ca. MRS X: For the entire day, I had no idea where you were. Every time I looked up... OK, I got a great idea. Let's pretend that we're in a cave. You know what, Nanny? What, Grove? I love you best. ANNIE: The other nannies had warned me about this very moment, the moment when you'll be tempted to break the cardinal rule of nannydom. And yet, staring into those big, sad, searching eyes, I simply couldn't resist. I love you too, Grove. Three little words made leaving this job a thousand times harder. MRS X: ..didn't hear a thing I had to say. I know that you work hard. I just think that if we're going to have more children... MR X: Well, maybe you should focus on the one you already have. You can barely handle him as it is. Why are you so cruel to me? MR X: Why? Why are you so... Because I cannot take the additional pressure. You know something, I think that I am going to go out to Chicago until this merger is finished. Stop it. Will you stop it, please? And I certainly hope that you are in a better mood when I come back. Please. Stop it. MR X: Alright? MR X: IF I come back. (DOOR SLAMS) (DOOR CLOSES) Nanny. This is yours, is it not? Uh... No. No, I don't know what that is. It was in our laundry. It is not mine. It is not Mr X's. So it has to be yours, right? Right? Yes, it's mine. Please don't leave your personal items lying around the house again. I won't. I promise. I'm sorry. Apology accepted. I don't mean to be a control freak. It's... It's just that when Mr X is in the middle of a big deal, it can be very hard on me. I understand. (THUNDER ROLLS SOFTLY) How's Grayer doing? Grayer? He's...he's fine. He's great. That's good to hear. He really is a wonderful child, isn't he? He's the best. He's, uh... He's just... OK. Goodnight, then. (DOOR CLOSES) (Sighs) 1 MRS X: Dear Nanny, I know it's Sunday and you requested a day off, but I desperately need to sleep in. I have a very long afternoon today, tasting caterers for our benefit, Conga for the Congo. Please don't wake me unless Mr X calls from Chicago. And most importantly, find a way to keep the boy quiet. Why don't you just muzzle the kid already? What's a muzzle? Scrambled for you, and Cheerios for the boy. Mommy doesn't allow me to eat sugary cereal. Cheerios are sugar-free. Low in sugar isn't the same as sugar-free. Grover, just eat it. Is that caffeinated? Mommy doesn't use caffeine. That's because Mommy sleeps till noon. MRS X: Perhaps it might be a nice morning to do something educational with Grayer, like the Pissarro show at the Guggenheim. Mommy said you're supposed to take me to her favourite museum, the Googyhiney. Well, since today was supposed to be my day off, we're going to go to my favourite, the Museum of Natural History. Isn't that on the West Side? Yeah, so? I'm not allowed to go on the West Side. That's a rule. Well, today just happens to be Break the Rules Day. Oh. Hi. Two, please. GRAYER: Hey, know what the biggest word in America is? ANNIE: What? Anti... Antidisestablishmentarian. Hey, that's pretty good, Grove. Actually, I know a longer word. There IS no longer word. Yes, there is. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Wow. What does that mean? Come on inside. Let me show you. ANNIE: The apatosaurus, formerly known as the brontosaurus, is from the family of enormous herbivores. 'Herbivores' means 'vegetarian'. Like Mommy, you know? What's that over there? That is T-rex. Is that one like Mommy too? Hmm. I wish my ancestors made totem poles. Well, they did. That one looks just like you. (Laughs) Yeah. Oh, that guy has a big... GRAYER: Cool. What are they? ANNIE: They're a Matis family. They live in the Amazon. Which one's the nanny? She has the day off. Things are different in that part of the world. MRS X: And, Nanny, one last thing before you take the rest of the day off. Do you think you could manage a quick shop for me? (Sighs) I'll help. No, it's OK, Grayer. Don't. Grayer, don't, don't, don't! (ELEVATOR DINGS) Mommy. What a mess! Really, Nanny, I don't know why you didn't leave all this downstairs with Manuel to store. I mean, am I supposed to have this lying around the apartment until the benefit? No, no, of course not. I'm going to bring it down to him right now. There's no time now. I need you to get ready for the nanny conflict resolution seminar at the Parent Society. I totally forgot it was this evening. Um... Mrs X, I don't know if you remember, but I was supposed to have the evening off. And I made plans. The entire point of the seminar is that everybody brings their nanny. Are you suggesting I attend it alone? Mm-mm. No. I was just... I was confused, so... I will cancel my plans. I appreciate it. (SHOUTING, SCREAMING, LOUD MUSIC) Stop eating that booger. Grayer, no nudity, please. Of course you feel anxiety when leaving your kids with strangers. You're moms. OK. Now what I would love to do is bring in the nannies. Linda, Gillian, would you mind monitoring the children so that the nannies can join us in here? OK, listen, I want to see you all here next week. Seminar is called 'Sexy Mom, Happy Mom'. It's gonna be a hot one. WOMAN: Nannies, we're ready. (Children shout) WOMAN: Right this way, ladies. All right, here they are, the nannies. Wonderful. Come on in. Just file against this wall. Just squeeze in. But be comfortable. Terrific. Now that we're all together, I think it's time to address the reason for this seminar - improving nanny-mom communication. To begin, I would like a mom volunteer to offer the group one particular example of failed communication with your nanny. Most of them barely speak English. That's the problem. Uh, OK, you. My nanny keeps on singing religious songs to Parker, even though I've told her time and time again that we're agnostic. And what's worse, every time I confront her, she flatly denies it, even after I provided her with evidence from the nanny cam. Nanny cam? I thought that was an urban myth. That's my nanny over there. Will you please ask her if she's trying to convert my child? Hmm? SEMINAR LEADER: No. Right now we're just hearing issues. OK, next, I would like to hear from a nanny. Can I have a nanny volunteer? Anyone? Por favor? Come on. Don't be shy. We won't bite. Ack, ack. (Laughs) OK, how about you, young lady? Me? Yeah, you. Can you share with the group one particular grievance that you might have about your job? Come on. No, no. I... I... I... I love my job. I do. I feel kind of lucky. Oh, that's very nice, but neither helpful nor productive. So can you please offer the class something useful? Come on. (Mouths words) Well... Yeah. It would be nice to have a night off, I guess. Aha. We have been a little preoccupied with our benefit. (LAUGHTER) But all she has to do is ask. Ah-hah-hah-hah. See, ladies? Conflict resolved. I'm taking him. Oh, no. I can take him. No, it's alright. No, I can take him. Nanny, please. I want you to go out. It's only 9:00. You clearly wanted the evening off. No, you must be exhausted. Let me put him to bed. We'll manage fine. Here. Have a blast. ANNIE: I just don't understand it. I...I just don't understand how someone can have everything and still be... ..so miserable. Anyway, remember I was telling you I went to this orientation mixer thingy? I met this guy who likes the same exact... It's like she dumps all of her problems with her husband onto me. It's called denial, OK? Like the river. And you obviously have become her enabler. What? What the hell is that supposed to mean? It means, Annie, can you stop talking about this woman for five minutes, please? Sorry I'm boring you, Lynette, but this is my life right now. I have a life too, in case you haven't noticed. You know, I'm starting to think you and that lady are kindred spirits. You know what? NYU should give you your diploma right now. You've got all the answers. OK, OK, OK. Let's forget that. Forget that. Can we at least try to have a good time? Since you did drag me above 14th Street. Come on, Annie. This place, you have to admit, it's...um, hmm, tired. Look at these guys over there. They don't have any piercings, no tattoos. I mean... (Groans) Oh, my God. We have to go right now. Wha...why? Wait a minute! 'Cause the guy I told you about is here. Harvard Hottie. (Sighs) Which one? Which one? Where? Yankees cap. Blue shirt. Blue blood. (Playfully) Mmm. He is gorgeous. Yeah, OK. Let's go. No, no, no. Are you out of your mind? Are you kidding me? No, I'm out of my league, OK? Let's GO! Oops! (CRASH!) What the hell are you doing? Oh my God. I know that girl. Annie! HARVARD HOTTIE: Annie! (Sighs) Come on. Have a drink with him already. I told you ` I can't date on the job. Are you gonna use this job as an excuse for everything or what? Say hello to the nice fella. Hey. Guys, this is Annie. I don't know your name. I'm sorry. Oh, Lynette. How you doing? Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you. These are some buddies from high school. This is Carter, Jojo, John, Kenny, Reggie. Hey. Nice to meet you. Sit. Grab a chair. Oh, no. We can't. We'd love to. So, girls, tell us ` how do you know our boy here? Oh, I really don't know him. He's Annie's friend. Uh, I... I know him from work. Oh, yeah? What kind of work do you do? Model? (Buddies laugh) Stewardess? Escort? (Buddies laugh) She works for someone in my building. Actually, I'm a nanny. A nanny. (Snorts) Dude! (Buddies laugh) You didn't tell us you knew a nanny. That is so porno! (Buddies laugh) Are the moms hot? HARVARD HOTTIE: Guys! Are you hot for the dads? Are the dads hot for you? Hey, come on! You want to know about the dads? I'll tell you about the dads. They're chubby, bald, steak-eating, cigar-smoking, type-A pigs who get more turned on by the Bloomberg wire than they do by any hot nannies. Actually, it's all of you in about five years. So take it from me, guys. Enjoy tonight because your future looks pretty fuckin' bleak. Wait! (DOOR SLAMS) ANNIE: Stupid, stupid. (ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) ANSWERING MACHINE: You have two new messages. HARVARD HOTTIE: Hey, Annie. Uh, it's me. The, uh... The big jerk from the bar. What?! Listen, in case you're wondering, your friend Lynette gave me your home number. Ex-friend. I obviously owe you a major apology. Please just don't judge me by my loser friends. Mm-hm. They were pretty hammered. I want you to give me an opportunity to redeem myself by taking you out. And I'm warning you, I won't take no for an answer. I know where you live, so I'll camp out at your door if I have to. You might as well get this over with and if you really hate me after that, I'll never ask you again. OK. Sorry to ramble. Um, if I don't hear from you, I'll ride the elevator till I find you. 'Bye. (PHONE HANGS UP) I am so screwed. (ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) Annie, it's your mother. Look, I'm sorry that I didn't call last night, OK? I had a really late night. But about tonight... OK. You know what? I don't want to hear it. (Quietly) I'm coming. I am coming. All right, fine, fine. OK? Let me...let me just call you after this play date, OK? Play date? What the hell is a play date? Oh, shit! You said a curse! Um...you know, Mom, a play date - it's a...a meeting, a preliminary investment schedule. Look, I'll call you later, OK? Alright. 'Bye. (DOORBELL RINGS) Who lives here? Some kid named Jefferson. Your mom found him with the Park Avenue Play Date Service. Hi, y'all! I'm Jefferson's momma, Tanya. Come on in! We're bakin' a cake! Oh, my God. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) I pretend to be Jefferson's nanny but I was really hired to watch her. Yooooo-hooo! And this is what she's like after Betty Ford. Doesn't her husband care? Whoo! He's 75. She's an ex-showgirl. He's not complaining about anything. Ice-cream fight! (Squeals) GRAYER: I wanna come here every day! (KNOCK AT DOOR) Hey. What are you doing here? And what is all over you? Annie, will you tell me what the hell is goin' on? All right, listen up, people. This is my apartment, and my room-mate...Lisa, is away on business. Um...you are, uh...just visiting. He is... Lynette's new boyfriend. Fine. I love your friends! What twisted game are we playing here? We're playing the 'my mom is coming over 'and if she finds out I'm a nanny, then I'm screwed' game. I love it. Hey, should I whip up a fondue for Mom? You know what? If you're going to play it straight, I'd make it meat loaf. I'm gonna borrow this. That's my dress! You can't borrow that dress! It's a terrible dress. Fondue? Go get my dress. Oh, boy, Calvin. Thank you so much. That looks delicious. It's so...festively presented too! (Chuckles) So, um...how did you and Lynette meet? (Chokes) Annie's room-mate, Lisa, introduced us. It's a shame she's not here. I used to date her too. Really? So, uh...don't you just love Annie's new place? Mm-hm. We do. We're here all the time. Yeah, I think it's very... very interesting. It's a little small, but it's a fine stepping stone, honey. (PHONE RINGS) Oh, it's work. Gotta take that. Well, it's certainly keeping her busy. Very busy. Busy bee. Mm-hm. LYNETTE: Relentlessly. CALVIN: Around the clock. (Quietly) Hello? This isn't a brontosaurus! You don't know anything! Grayer! Please! It is yoga hour, and Mommy's on the phone! Hello? Yes, hi. It's me. I...I know that I agreed to let you visit your grandmother in the hospital tonight, but I feel I need to remind you that tomorrow is Grayer's birthday. What? How can that be? His party isn't till next month. Well, we scheduled it that way on purpose because the party planner I wanted wasn't available. Neither was my husband, but as it turns out, Mr X is coming home for two days from Chicago, so we're planning a small family celebration. Oh, that's lovely. Grayer couldn't ask for a better gift. And then afterwards, we'll all head over to the Carlyle for a more formal affair with friends. Obviously I do expect you to attend. OK, alright. So you will need to dress appropriately. Right. Anyway, since you're not around to help, I've taken care of everything. Mommy! Darth Vader! Play! Shh! Thank you. Also, some...roses arrived for you. Roses? Yes, it's very curious. The card says, "Accept my apology, or else." Oh, that's crazy Grandpa. He, um... He didn't visit Grandma last night and we just let him have it. Well, you know how Grayer is around pollen, so I'll have to throw them out. JUDY: Annie? Oh, OK. Um...well, you know, I...am going to hang up, because the pacemaker's knocked off, you know, and... Oh, gosh. Honey? Yeah? Are you OK? Mm-hm. Perfect. Dessert? (ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS) MR X: You were attempting to hide it. MRS X: I wasn't attempting to hide it. This is THAT important. Are you aware of that? Now isn't the time. You have absolutely no idea how disappointed I am. GRAYER: Clowns are supposed to be funny. Well, they're...French clowns, Grove. I hate them and I hate my birthday. You are to clean up your mess. Do not interrupt me! Now, you told me that the extra year of preschool would guarantee him a spot. Today he's six. What's your plan now? (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll be back, OK? MR X: Both my brothers' kids got into this school. That is a level of humiliation I will not tolerate at this point! There are mimes in the next room and I suggest you keep your voice down. You know what? (Annie gasps) Hey. What the hell are you doing here? I wanna know why you threw my flowers away. I found them in the stairwell. I didn't throw them away, OK? My lunatic employer did. And if you don't get out of here, she's gonna throw me out too. Not until you agree to see me. What?! This has got to stop! Come on, one date! That's all I'm asking here. Oh. Fine. Fine, OK? After work on Thursday. Go. Go! Nanny. Before we head over to the Carlyle, I would like you to know why Mr X is so upset. It seems that Grayer was rejected for admission to Collegiate. I'm...I'm very sorry. That must be upsetting. Not upsetting. Unacceptable. GRAYER: Stop it! (SLAP!) MAN: Ugh! GRAYER: Get away from me! Oh, sweetheart, don't be afraid! They're only clowns! I hate them! They're nice French clow... They scare me. (Quietly) Grayer, go to your mommy. Go to your mommy, Grayer. Go. No. Go, sweetheart. As I was saying, Nanny, we feel that you are not spending enough time on educational activities with our son. Therefore, we have decided to hire a consultant to fully research the situation. He will demand extra time from you this week. Whatever's best for Grayer. Starting Thursday evening. Do you read to the child from the 'Wall Street Journal'? 'Financial Times'? 'Granta'? I...I sing to him in French. Well...we need more time than I thought to get to the bottom of this. (HORN BLARES) I know. I know I'm very, very late. I'm sorry. Did you get my message? Yep, all six of 'em. I couldn't get out of work. The consultant kept me forever ` it was horrible. Yeah, well, not only did I lose a reservation, but the kitchen is now closed, so... OK. I'm sorry I was late. Um,... sometimes these things just... don't work out, OK? Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Think you can just get rid of me that easily? No, it's not about getting rid of you. It's just that no place around here stays open this late, that's all. Actually, I know the perfect place. 1 Pretty good, huh? Number one slice on the Upper East Side. That's not bad. I tell you what, though, it doesn't touch the Jersey Shore. Well, if you're such a pizza connoisseur, there's a really great place in Italian Harlem. I'll take you there sometime. Harlem? I have a hard time imagining you in Harlem. Why? I enjoy exploring my city. Something you should probably do more of. Ooh. Thank you. I'll try to squeeze that in between cleaning up Grayer's vomit and picking up Mrs X's laundry. Come on, if your job is that bad, why don't you just quit? I mean, it's not like you're on a career path here. I don't understand. No, of course you don't understand. You've obviously lived a very charmed life. Growing up on Fifth Avenue and you went to Harvard. Growing up on Fifth Avenue and you went to Harvard. A charmed life? OK, now I get it. You know, for your information, my mother died when I was four, my father travelled constantly for work. I was raised by nine different nannies until I was old enough to get shipped off to boarding school. That's how charmed my life was. I'm really sorry. But you know something? I still think I turned out to be a pretty decent guy in spite of it all. I guess I'm officially an asshole. Well...'asshole's a pretty strong word. I would've gone with 'jerk' or 'bonehead'. But that's just my prep-school upbringing. I don't know, you know? I would love to quit, I really would. But I...I can't leave Grayer. Mmm. I can't. You're gonna think I'm totally crazy, but I feel really bad for her also. Do you think I'm crazy? Well... ..you know, you could be suffering from Stockholm syndrome. You ever heard of Patty Hearst? (Chuckles) Are you kidding? Yes, but I do think you should probably let me kiss you right about now. What? Well, we're two blocks from your building, and once we get any closer I won't be able to go near you, which, to tell you the truth, is all I've really thought about since the day I saw you in that Betsy Ross get-up. since the day I saw you in that Betsy Ross get-up. That is really kinky and weird. You don't know the half of it. (ELEVATOR DINGS) (Dog snorts and grunts) Goodnight. Goodnight. Pleasant evening. (ELEVATOR DINGS) Goodnight. Uh-huh. (FOOTSTEPS POUND) Look out for the...! (CRASH!) (Annie whispers) Sorry. While doing fieldwork, anthropologists have been known to lose themselves in the very society that they're studying, a phenomenon known as 'going native'. When this occurs, the proper course of action is to remove oneself ASAP. After my night with Harvard Hottie, it became quite obvious that my obsession with the X's meant I'd gone native. Daydreaming in the park that day, I came to the conclusion that the only right thing to do was confront Mrs X and quit. MRS X: Oh, I forgot about this. Wow, this could work. See if you can find me something short. It'll go better with this neckline. OK. Oh! Did Grayer get you this? God. I bought this for my mother when I was 10. She got mad at me, refused to wear it. She said it was common. I think I saved it out of spite. How about this? Mr X bought it for me for our first wedding anniversary. So it's only fitting that I should wear it tonight, right? Definitely. Mrs X, I need to talk to you about something. Um...I know you're really busy tonight, so I was wondering if we could schedule some time tomorrow night to talk. What is it, Nanny? I...I think it's better if we talk alone. I...I think it's better if we talk alone. What is it? MRS X: Nanny, lend a hand. Well? You look amazing. (Chuckles) Really? You look very pretty, Mommy. And...and you like the Dior? I mean, I know it's a little much for dinner, but afterwards he's taking me to the President's Circle Gala at the Met. Well, I couldn't imagine a more perfect dress for a romantic anniversary. All I need now is my husband. I just called the airport. There wasn't a single delay or cancellation out of Chicago, so...where could that man be? Nanny, call La Grenouille. Tell them we're running late. I don't want to lose the reservation. Is it Les Grenouille or La...? L- E... L-E-S? I think it's L-A. (PHONE RINGS) Thanks, smarty-pants. Hello? MR X: Uh...yeah, it's me. Listen, I'm losing cell service here. I need you to find my wife and explain to her that my flight was cancelled. And since I'm gonna have to be back here Sunday night, I'm just gonna spend the whole weekend in Chicago. Uh...no...no. Make sure to tell her I'm sorry. No, no...Mr X, you can't do this. Look, she... (DIAL TONE) Nanny, who was it? What did he say? Um... ..he said that, uh... ..his flight was cancelled. And, um... ..and he's very, very sorry. Make sure you put that one on top. I don't want anything to crinkle. MAN: Of course. Mommy, where are you going? Mommy, don't go! No, Grayer. No, Grayer. Don't be difficult. Mommy has to go away for a few days to get some rest. Nanny, I've decided to take a few days off. I'll be at the spa at Canyon Ranch in Lenox. Maria has all my numbers. (Whispers) Oh, God. GRAYER: Nanny, can we go upstairs? I feel funny. (THERMOMETER BEEPS) (Gasps) Oh, my God! How did this come on so fast? 104?! (Grumbles and vomits) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! OK, OK, honey, come here. Are you OK? I'm so...sorry. It's OK, it's OK. Alright. Oh...God. OK. Wait... No. Hey, Lynette. It's Annie. Listen, I need your help. Grayer has a temperature of 104 and I have vomit all over me and there's nobody here. God, did you call his mother? Yes, I called his mother. She's at some frickin' spa. I've left three messages and she won't call me back. I don't know what to do. Should I take him to the emergency room or something? Annie, I can't answer that. (Grayer coughs) Do you know...a number of a doctor I could call for advice? Or a nurse even? Oh, course I know a nurse. Your mother. (Groans) Nanny! Lynette, I have to call you back. What is it, sweetheart? What's wrong? I want my mommy. Me too. (WATER RUNS) (Grayer coughs) How is everything? His fever's down, but I think he's got the croup. The steam should help open his passages, and hopefully it'll ease up his cough and he can get some rest. Is there anything I can do? Just close the door. 1 He's OK now. Much better. (Sniffs) Oh, thank you, God. Even so, you should bring him to the doctor in the morning. He's probably gonna need a prescription. OK. Hey, Ma, um,... I... I don't know how to...thank you for coming here and helping me. Why did you lie to me, Annie? I have NEVER lied to you. Ever. (Whispers) I know. I just... Oh, Mom, I couldn't handle it anymore. I just couldn't handle it. What? What couldn't you handle? You're young, you're smart, you're energetic, you've got this incredibly bright future ahead of you. It's too bright, Ma, alright? I just...I had to get away. And do THIS?! Do you understand, every night shift I worked, every...overtime hour I accepted, I did it because I wanted something better for you than I had. Nanny! Good, you're up. Uh...Dennis, leave that there. So listen, the spa was just awful. Totally overrun with suburban riffraff. And then in the middle of my body scrub, Mr X called, and believe it or not, he wants to take us all to Nantucket next week. So I figured I might as well cut my trip short and... Who's this? I'm Judy. It's my mom. You never mentioned you had a mother, Nanny. Um...uh, my mom's a nurse. She came over here to help me. Grayer's been very... very, very sick. Uh, I tried calling you... Where is he? Well, he's...sleeping now. Then he can't be that sick now, can he? So listen, could you quickly unpack my luggage and just put everything in the laundry? I'm exhausted and Mr X is expected sometime before 9:00. I will see you in the morning. And, oh... very nice to meet you, Julie. Judy. Call me when this phase of your life is over. I desperately wanted to yell out after her. But it was like one of those awful dreams where I had no voice. My desire to be an observer of life was actually keeping me from living one. HARVARD HOTTIE: Clearly the woman's heinous. You gotta quit. It's just that simple. I can't, alright? I tried. What if I made you a tempting offer? I'm gonna go to my father's house in South Hampton for a month. I gotta take some time, figure out if law school's really right for me. Why don't you join me? Do a little soul searching. We get the whole house to ourselves. Won't cost us a cent. We'll walk on the beach, we'll drink red wine, grill fresh fish. That sounds like heaven. But what if this vacation can save their marriage? If I quit now, I'll ruin it and break Grayer's heart. What about my heart? Do I count for anything? Come on, say yes. Be young with me in the Hamptons. Don't go to Nantucket with the weirdos. What do you say? Not a chance in hell, is there? I can take a hint. Well, I...I didn't say no. You weren't exactly screaming yes, though, were you? You know, I'm starting to wonder if you're really selfless or just self-obsessed. Thank you. Thanks. I have to go. Listen, if you change your mind, my offer stands. We're going to 'Tucket! We're going to 'Tucket! Guess what else - I'm getting a puppy! Oomph! Oh, God! (Giggles) Daddy, Daddy, where's my puppy? He's waiting for you right up in the car there, sport. Isn't it wonderful? Mmm. A family trip has been long overdue. Mmm. Listen, I didn't want to say anything in of Grayer, but the truth is I can only stay for a few days. They're really pushing me to finish up in Chicago. You can't be serious. (Laughs) You're not gonna leave us on this island alone?! You're not gonna leave us on this island alone?! OK. We'll talk about it later. Hi. Um, it's Annie. I haven't heard from you in a while. You're probably in South Hampton, but I just wanted to let you know that my cell phone doesn't work here. So if you wanted to call, um...if you wanted to call, uh, you probably have the number already on your cell phone but I will give it to you, just in case. It is 508... MRS X: Hello? Oh! Wh... Hello? Hello, Nanny. I need to use this phone. Immediately. Oh! S-sorry! (Whispers) Oh, God. GRAYER: Nanny, we're going to the beach! When I grow up, I want enough money to build a real castle. Just remember, Grove, that money can't buy love. But Mommy pays you money, and I love you. Surprise, surprise, dear. Mother? My, you've gotten portly. GRAYER: Hi, Grandma. What the hell are you doing here? Ask your wife. She's the one who requested I come. Darling, I... Not that I need an invitation. It IS my house. I just wanted your mother to be here for the news. News? What news? What in the hell is going on here? I'm having another baby. (Mr X shouts) You're truly impossible! (Mrs X shouts) What exactly are you... ..invited my mother here so that I can't go back to Chicago! ..invited my mother here so that I can't go back to Chicago! One lousy week! You know something? You are an infuriating woman! You really are! That's what you get for rejecting debutant season! MR X: Who asked you, bitch? Mmm. (Chats indistinctly) Can you look after the kids for a minute? I'm the only nanny here. I just have to use the rest room. Hmm. Make it snappy, dear. I'm on the last chapter. Oh. Thanks a million. Ah! You look gorgeous. Listen, I need some nanny advice. Tell you the truth, I don't know what's gotten into her lately. (Both speak inaudibly) Well, I installed a nanny cam. Mmm. So we'll soon see the truth. Mmm. It might be time to let her go. GRAYER: I saw another one. ANNIE: Make a wish, Grove. I wish... ..we could stay in 'Tucket forever. Mommy, Daddy, you and my puppy. Grove... I know I... I'm not going to be your nanny forever. I can't be. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna always be your friend. What, there's no o.j. in this goddamn shitshack? Uh, I was just about to make some. Mm-hm. Where's, uh, Grayer? Isn't he up yet? Um, he had a little trouble sleeping, so... Concentrate? You have GOT to be kidding me. All my money, and I can't get fresh-squeezed? Come on. (Laughs awkwardly) Well, we used it all at the party, so... Well, then, why don't you and I take a little trip to the market and get us some? (GLASS BREAKS) (PHONE RINGS) HARVARD HOTTIE ON ANSWERING MACHINE: I'm not in right now. Leave it at the beep. (BEEP!) Where's Grayer? With his grandmother. And where, may I ask, have you been? I...I just had to clear my head. Did you? I imagine your unacceptable behaviour has something to do with that boy in the building. Nanny. I wasn't born yesterday. Called several times this week. He called? Why didn't you tell me? I suppose I forgot. It's really for your own good. He's a little out of your league, don't you think? It couldn't possibly end well. Clearly this isn't working out. Mr X has arranged for a taxi to take you to the ferry and then for a car to pick you up on the other end. Please... Please don't do this! Not...not for me, but for Grayer. Not until you and your husband work your problems out. Don't you dare! You stupid, stupid girl. As if you know anything about my life! As if you know anything about the real world. 1 (HORN BEEPS) All I got's a hundred. All right, you know what, just give me the change when you come back for my mother at some point, OK? Keep 10 bucks for yourself. Nanny. Here's your final payment. I expect you to have all your things out of our apartment by the time we come back. Just leave the keys with the doorman. Grayer, I think you should take a nap. I'm certainly ready for one. Nanny! Where are you going?! Nanny! MRS X: Grayer! Grayer. Stay here. Nanny! Don't leave me, Nanny! What are you doing? Take it, take it. I just can't tolerate the yapping. Grayer's too young anyway. Nanny! Nanny, don't go! Grayer. Grayer... Nanny, why? Nanny! Grayer. Nanny, don't leave me! NANNY! Grayer. (Dog whines) (Dog whinges) (Dog whines) What?! (HORN BLARES) (DOOR BURSTS OPEN) Go ahead, puppy, do your business. Anywhere you like. Good puppy! Nanny cam, nanny cam, where are you hiding? (TOYS SQUEAK) (TOYS SQUEAK) TOY: I love you. (Laughs) TOY: Hola! Hmm. (Taps glass) Aha! OK, lady, you want nanny cam? I'll give you 'Nannies Gone Wild'! ANNIE: And this is how the most significant confrontation in my life... ..happened with a teddy bear. ANNIE: After the abrupt termination of my fieldwork, I took some time to make sense of all that I had witnessed. During this period, I read that critics of anthropology believe that just by observing a culture, you inevitably change it. (Grunts) OW! In the many times that I thought of Grayer, I secretly hoped those critics were right. This is a tape of my latest nanny disaster. She was extremely problematic, to say the least. She neglected Grayer, she drank, she even flirted with my husband. I finally had to fire her for promiscuous behaviour with a boy in the building. This videotape shows her feeding my child peanut butter and jelly directly from the jar. You know, I remember this nanny. She had a very peculiar attitude. Let's watch. You excited about going to Nantucket? Yes. OK, well, why don't you close your eyes, then you can dream about building sandcastles. Love you, Nanny. Goodnight. This must be the wrong tape. I've never seen this one before. It's all right, just let it play out. We'll get something good. (Audience gasps) Oh! It's a problem. Big problem. OK, Mrs X. Now it's time for a few simple child care rules. Ah! All right, uh, the teddy bear has been compromised. Slamming the door in your kid's face is NOT OK. Spending more time on a benefit for kids you've never met than you do with your own blood is not OK. Going to a spa when your son has a fever of 104 and not answering emergency calls - that officially makes you an unfit mother! This is outrageous. Stop the tape. Uh, no. This is clearly a disgruntled nanny. We might have something to learn here. Now, I know that you're really busy with your hair appointments and your watsu massages and your attempts to stay young so your husband won't leave you. But here's an idea! Why don't you try eating dinner with your child every once in a blue moon? And a heads up here, lady. Try smiling once in a while. People hate you! (Audience gasps) As for you, Mr X... who the hell are you? Maybe you're asking the same about me. I know you noticed my ass, but you probably don't recognise my face, so here's a little hint, OK? I'm the one who's been raising your son. Grayer is not an accessory. His mother didn't order him from a catalogue. Your son, your wife, are...are people in your home. Human beings who are...are drowning in their desire for you to just... ..for you to look at them. You know, the truth is I...I don't wish either of you harm... ..if for no other reason than you having the profound privilege of being Grayer's parents. Grayer loves you. He... He doesn't care what you're wearing or what you buy him or what school he gets into. He just... He just wants you there. That's it. And time's running out. He won't love you unconditionally that much longer, so... ..for your own good, don't miss out on getting to know him. He is... He's truly an amazing, amazing little person. Excuse me. Of course. Buenas noches. It's a much tougher game out there for women. (Sighs) Nature deals us some...tricky cards. Is that so hard for you to understand? No! I don't know, Mom, I just...I... So I guess you're not going into finance. I...I don't think that having money makes it any easier, you know? I...I know that now. It's OK. It's your life. Personally, I think you're making a big mistake. But it is your life. I want you to be happy. Hey. Hayden. ANNIE: Oh, that's right. I forgot to mention his name is Hayden. And once I finally let myself say it, it was a habit that was pretty hard to break. It is, uh... It's going pretty good, actually. There's more scholarships out there than I thought, so... Why are you so late? Because I have something for you. It's from your former employer. What? She cornered me on the 12th floor. Figured I could get to you before she could. I don't wanna read this. Why don't I read it to you? OK. "Dear Annie... "It's been several months since we've spoken. "Even so, the things you said on that tape haunt me every day. "And now, looking back, I don't know what to say, "except thank you." MRS X: And I'm sorry. You were so right. Of all my privileges, Grayer is my greatest. I desperately needed someone to show me that. You did. And, for that, I owe you the world. You may or may not be surprised to learn that I've left my husband. Not out of the jar. Try it. MRS X: Any man who made me feel desperate enough to feign a pregnancy wasn't worth fighting for. Isn't it good? Yeah. Yeah, it is good. MRS X: So I'm pretty confident that in time we'll be getting along just fine. Yeah, it's really good. (Laughs) It's really good. (Laughs) MRS X: Please know that I wish you all the best in life. "Sincerely, Alexandra. "PS... "I'm happy to report that Grayer asks for you a little bit less every day and every night." Come on. OK. Let's get out of here. ..catching the Yankees game with my dad tonight. That sounds wonderful. Yeah. ANNIE: There's a popular belief amongst anthropologists that you must immerse yourself in an unfamiliar world in order to truly understand your own. Probably gotta get going soon, actually. See you later tonight, OK? I certainly hope so. (Annie types) ANNIE: In conclusion, I hope this field diary has been illuminating for those considering my application to graduate school. It certainly has been for me. ('FREEDOM' BY GEORGE MICHAEL PLAYS) After a lost summer of being Nanny, I finally got to know Annie. Thanks to a little man named Grayer, I only had to trek across the Hudson River to make this most amazing discovery. ('FREEDOM' CONTINUES)