1 www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 'Hi. My name's Jimmy Livingstone.' 'My mom says when I was born I came gift-wrapped from heaven.' Aaaaaargh...! Whoa...! Whoa! # I guess this is growing up # 'My first memories are kind of hazy.' 'All I remember is a place with white walls, bright lights and a gigantic bird.' 'I was there because I was born with no immunities.' 'A single germ could kill me.' 'But when I was four, my mom took me home to beautiful Palmdale, California.' Oh! 'Mom helped me make friends right away.' Get him in! 'Our house was enormous like a castle.' 'For the first time I felt completely free.' (PANTS) There. Now you're safe from that evil, filthy world. You're home, Jimmy. And you'll never, ever, ever have to go out there again. Look what Mommy made. 'I had a big room with my own bed lots of toys, and two pairs of retractable arms.' "And the prince climbed to the top of the tower and said, 'Come with me and we'll live happily ever after.'" "And Rapunzel left her plastic bubble and died." "The end." Those evil doctors. Nobody's gonna get any germs on my little boy now. You'll always stay pure, won't you, Jimmy? Jimmy! Breaksie! 'I had my reading,...' I wish they had more than one magazine in the world. So do I. '..my favourite show, Land Of The Lost,...' I wish TVs had more than one channel. So do I. '..and I had the best teacher in the world.' "The Indians decided to move to the reservations to open casinos and sell tax-free cigarettes, and stay out of the White man's way." Another A+. 'The neighbourhood kids always wanted to hang at my house.' (ALL CHANT) (ALL CONTINUE CHANTING) Bubble Boy! Bubble Boy! Get outta here! Go on! 'But I liked to hang with my dad.' Mother of shit! Are you trying to kill him with that thing?! (CRASHING) Jimmy, lunchie! 'Supper time was the best. I loved Mom's home-made, vitamin-rich, germ-free, fat-free fibre cookies.' 'I grew up like any other kid.' 'At 16 I didn't get a car but I did get an electrical rock music guitar!' # I can't believe the things I found # I need to find my way # I'm lost, I'm lost # I do believe I'm living # In the land of the lost...! # I'm living in the land # Living in the land # Living in the land # Of the lost...! # 'I was so happy. I had everything a boy could want.' 'Until... ..Chloe.' "Then Pinocchio came out of his bubble, touched the whore next door and died. The end." # Ooh, baby... # Oh, yeah Over the next few years I washed my window a lot. # Oh... 'Something was happening to me but I didn't know what.' Mom! What is it?! Jimmy! Are you alright? What is it?! Oh, my God. Oh... Don't touch it! Hands off! Relax. Don't get upset. Do what I tell your father. Say the Pledge of Allegiance until it goes away. Come on! I pledge allegiance... To the flag of the United States and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God... Thanks, Mom. # You can't touch this # You can't touch this # You can't touch this... # Dude! You live next door to the bubble boy. I heard the only thing he can drink is his own urine. Oh, yeah. It's true, I swear to God. I heard the same thing. But what did he drink to make the urine? Well, it was... Erm... Tell her. Shotgun! He's not a monster. He's just a boy in a bubble. "I'm not a monster. I'm a human being." (LAUGHS) Bye, Lisa. Bye, Chloe. I wish I was the boy in her bubble. (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah! Let's hit the arcade. (TYRES SCREECH) (KNOCK ON DOOR) (CHUCKLES) Hi. Mr Livingston? I'm Chloe. I live... next door. (CHUCKLES) Hi-ya! (MUFFLED SHOUTING) Oh, my gosh! Are you OK? What? What? Wait, no, no. Don't - I was just playing. I was just playing. Mayday! Is that Pakuni you were speaking? From Land Of The Lost? I love Land Of The Lost. I love you too - It! It too. I love it too. I'm Jimmy. I'm - Chloe, the whore next door. What? (LAUGHS) Where did you hear that? My mom. She teaches me everything. Well, really, she got it wrong. I'm actually more of a bitch. A bitch... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A bitch. Absolutely. A bitch. Yeah. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) You play guitar? Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you wanna try it? No. I don't know how. I could teach you. Right now. (LAUGHS) I can't right now. I should go. How about tomorrow? Oh, geez, I don't know. I don't know, bitch. I got a lot to do. See you tomorrow. Bye. She's certainly proud of those boobies, isn't she? Something tells me she's not the kind of friend Jesus would pick. # When I look... # All a... # ..round - # I suck. No, no. Come here. You have to press harder. OK. Harder. Here. Now go. OK. Harder. # When I... # Look # All around... Round... # I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United... (LAUGHS) Everything OK? Yeah. Let's go. # Wouldn't it be nice If we were older? # Then we wouldn't have to wait So long # And wouldn't it be nice To live together # In the kind of world Where we belong? # You know it's gonna make it That much better # When we can say good night And sleep... (CHILDREN) Trick or treat! # Together... Hey...! (ALL CHILDREN SCREAM) # In the morning When the day is through. # Have to have the strength To be together # Ho-ho...! It's Bubble Guinea. (GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS) Oh, my God.... Hi, Bubble Guinea. (Jimmy!) (CLANKING) Ouch! Stupid gutter. (Jimmy!) Argh! Ouch. (Jimmy!) (Hello.) (Chloe?) (Yeah.) (Bubble boy.) (What about your party?) (Jimmy.) Shh! (You have to wish me Happy Birthday.) (What about your party?) (GROANS) Party! I'll show you a party. (Come here.) Don't be shy. Huh? Come here. (My mom's asleep!) Don't you want to give me a birthday kiss? (BOTH LAUGH) Whoa! Whoa! Chloe. (SIGHS) I hate this stupid bubble. I got everything wanted for my birthday, except you. I'm coming in. Chloe! Wait. Whoa. Whoa. Don't worry. You can decontaminate me. (LAUGHS) # Oh, yeah... What? Relax. Have a beer. Wait. Erm... Wait. Chloe? I'm not so sure that's a good idea. Jimmy... Jimmy... Please let me in. # Oh, baby... # Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Erm, Chloe. Er... I, er... 'Maybe I should have let her in but I was scared.' 'So who could really blame her for what happened next?' Hold on. (GIGGLES) You look beautif- Oh. Hi... Ooh. Corsage. I'm sorry. Erm, Mark, Jimmy. Jimmy, Mark. What's up, Jimbo? What's up, M-Marko? Ready? Yeah. Just let me use the bathroom. Alright. Pinch it quick. She loves that one. Cigarette? What? So, Chloe says you're a musician! Well, I rock, if that's what you mean. (MOCK HIGH NOTE) You know? So, what will you guys do tonight? You know, a little bit of this. "Uh! Uh!" "Oh, yeah..." "That's it... Oh...! That's it." Sounds like fun. All ready. That's how I do it on stage. Did I tell you how beautiful you look? Come here. I'm going to be the luckiest guy at the prom. 'One thing was for sure. Mark was cool.' Bye, Jimmy. Who could compete with a guy like that? Hand. I'm sorry. We've been going out for two years. Mark, I told you. I want to wait till I get married. Hands. I tried to warn you. All women will leave you someday. That girl didn't love you. She felt sorry for you. Do you think she'd marry a boy who couldn't touch her? Hey... Hi... You going somewhere? Erm,... yeah. You know Mark? We've been going out on and off for a while now. And, erm, well,... ..he kind of asked me to, erm... Go fishing? No. Go to the movies? No. Get married? Yes! The wedding's this Saturday at Niagara Falls. I didn't know how to tell you, Jimmy, because... ..the thing is, erm,... ..I wanted to know if you think he's the right one cos... ..it's such a big step. You know? And... Jimmy? I made you something. Take Bubble Guinea Pig cos I don't want him any more. So, that's it? That's all you're going to say? Bye, Jimmy. Goodbye. # Can you still remember # How it seemed? # We could live forever # In a lover's dream # The falling was the best part # But now you know # The things you cling to your heart # Can start to grow # You, you're walking away # I've been there now # I know what to say # I'm the king of # yesterday # Oh, why don't # Why don't you stay? Chloe! God... bless America! That nasty little slut left just in the nick of time, Morton! 1 TENSE MUSIC (SIGHS) BEEPING, INDISTINCT SPEECH LOUD CLANGING CLATTERING CAR ALARM CHIRPS TENSE MUSIC # "Rocky Theme" 'I had no idea what I was up against.' 'Chloe hadn't told me much. All I knew was she was in New York, which might as well have been on the other side of the galaxy, and I only had three days to get there.' 'Three days.' 'The bubble suit had to last that long.' Ugh! Oh! Oh-ho! (LAUGHS) (SMASHING) Grass. Street lamp. (SQUELCHING) Oh. Whoa... Dog poop?! This is awesome! I'm runnin'! I'm runnin'! (LAUGHS) # Well, I guess this is growing up # Well, I guess this is growing up # Well, I guess this is growing up # Well, I guess this is growing up # Well, I guess this is growing up (LAUGHS) # Well, I guess this is growing up # Well, I guess this is growing up # Well, I guess this is growing up Hello? Hello? # Well, I guess this is growing up # Hi. It's my first day out in the world. Erm, I'd like to go to Niagara Falls. "That'd be $260." "Plus you have to pay for an additional seat for that... ..stupid thing you're wearing. Oh, money. Oh... Money. How far will this get me? "Take a step back." "That far." (LAUGHS) Erm... The girl I love is getting married and I have to stop the wedding! "That's Fantastic. Next!" "Next in line, please." OK. Have a nice day. "The white zone is for loading and unloading only." (ALL PASSENGERS SHOUT) Are you alright?! Are you alright? What is it? Oh, he's alive! I need to get to Niagara Falls by Saturday to stop Chloe's wedding. Oh... I'm Todd! And I'm Lorraine! We can get you to Niagara Fails. (ALL) Yeah! (ALL) Bright and shiny! Stick him in the rear! (ALL) # Bright! # And shiny! # Bright! # And shiny! # People of the promised land # Come and join our happy clan # Always happy # Never gay, living clean is A-OK # Bright! # And shiny! Excuse me, Todd! Argh! # And shiny! # If you save yourself for God # You will get the golden rod # Give up on society # We will be your family # Bright! # And shiny! # (ALL LAUGH) Jimmy! Breaksie! (GASPS) (TRAY SMASHES ON FLOOR) (SQUEALS) Jimmy...! (BARKING / HOWLING) (ALL) The Kloobda. The Kloobda is the holy guide to living pure, dictated to Gil by a talking salamander. But more on that later. This will help explain. Put it in the decontamination bay. There. We prepare our soul by stripping ourselves of all material possessions and... ..sexual desires. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Kool Aid, Lorraine? Thanks, Lorraine. Lorraine? Her name's Lorraine too? We're all Lorraine. And you will be Todd - a name chosen especially for you by Gil. What does Bill do with your stuff? He holds it for us at the compound. Where's the compound? I'm not really sure. In... Texas? Oh... You're not a singing group. You're a cult! (LAUGHS) Ugh! Why have we stopped? This isn't Niagara Falls! This is a desert! Yes, I realise in typical cases you have to wait 48 hours but, you see, this is not a typical case. My son is a bubble boy. He'll die out there. You'll be in my prayers tonight. And I'll pray you get nut cancer! Alright, Plan B. Did you finish the note? "Mr and Mrs Livingston, we have kidnapped your son." "Pay $100,000 or he dies." Signed... "The Jews." Are you kidding? Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would believe this note? It's the Jews, Morton! They're going to want more than $100,000! Think, man, think! # I'm havin' a bad day # I'm havin' a bad day # Get outta my way # I'm havin' a bad day # I'm havin' a bad day # I'm havin' a bad day (CAWING) # Get out of my way # Cos I'm havin' a bad day # I'm havin' a bad day Get off. # I'm havin' a bad day # Get out of my way (CAWS) Huh? Argh! # Just get out of my way Have you seen my son? Hello? Have you seen my boy? "Yeah. Your weirdass son got on a bus full of happy people skipping around all over the place and they headed to Vegas ` you know, Satan's anus." You filthy, fat filthy deaf man! "Erm, I heard that." Move it! "I'll have you know I've lost two pounds." "I have ankle weights on and it's hot in here, and I'm losing weight. I've lost four pounds in two months." and I'm losing weight. I've lost four pounds in two months." # I'm havin' a bad day # Get out of my way # Cos I'm havin' a bad day # I'm havin' a bad day # Get out of my way # Cos I'm havin' a bad day # Hey! Hey! Hey! Oh! What are you some kind of astronaut? No. I'm, er,... ..I'm some kind of bubble boy. How do you take a dump in that thing? I think I can help you. How can some bubble vato help me? I got patches. Patches? I could use some stinking patches. (ALL CHEER) Thank you! Welcome, my children. Welcome. Today will truly be a time for spiritual illumination. (ALL GASP) Now, can anyone guess why we're all here? Ooh! Ooh! Me! Yes, Todd. To - The other Todd. To find out the final incarnation of the Chosen One? Exactly. I can see you read your Kloobda. The Chosen One is among us! He walks the Earth. His final incarnation will be... ..a round one! (ALL CHEER) Yes, the round one. The holy messenger trapped in a living globe. We must find him and release him so that he may carry us, the only true believers to the kingdom of heaven. And those who reject him will mutate and burn eternally on Planet PX41. (ALL GASP) Or PX42... (ALL GASP) ..if they run out of room. If you've no further questions, let's move on to the buffet. (ALL CHEER) They kicked you out and left you in the desert to die like a perro? Yep. Where you headed? Niagara Fails. I have to be there Saturday to stop Chloe from marrying the wrong man. (LAUGHS) You going to cut the vato? I wasn't planning to, no. Someone run off with your lady, legally you're allowed to cut him! She wasn't technically my lady. I just never, erm... I just never told her how I felt. When I was your age... I was in love with a woman. "Debbie"? No. Oh, "Danielle". Wildfire! Oh, Wildfire! She looks really nice. She left me for some other vato. Really buttoned down, "I gotta get a job" kind of vato. I still regret not finding him and cutting his heart in a violent way! (CHUCKLES) Don't be like me, ese. Don't live in regret. (TYRES SCREECH) # We'll be riding Wild... fire # We'll be riding Wild... Oh! # Fire... I'm OK. Look at this! This is Las Vegas, Jimmy! Wow! Paris! Beautiful, ain't it? And New York! Great New York. This is amazing, Slim! Go faster! Go faster! Oh, you like that wind in your hair(?) Yeah. (LAUGHS) "We have the loosest sluts." That's "slots"! I'll show you how to play slot machines! We can win the gas money to get to Niagara Falls. Alright, chicas! Chicas! (LAUGHS) This is amazing! This town never sleeps. Let's party! # (SCREAMS) Wow...! # Yow...! (WHISTLES) Whoa...! Whoa! Ho-ho! (CACKLES) # Hell hath no...! # Jimmy! Where are you, baby? My baby Jimmy? Here we go. Ah, yeah. Coming through. Excuse us. Come on. Talk to me, babies! Lookin' good! Yes! Alright! (FRUIT MACHINE BLEEPS) Slim. Yeah. What's it like? (LAUGHS) I can tell you what is was like with Wildfire. 1200ccs of American steel vibrating between your legs. Oh! Fourth gear. 4000 RPMs! Aye! (LAUGHS) That sounds amazing. Apples? Hors d'oeuvres? Oh, no, thanks. I got my own. OK. Last one. You go for it. No, I couldn't. You want to win money for our trip, don't you? What if I lose again? Did you get out of that bubble room to play it safe? You're right. Go for it. (FRUIT MACHINE BLEEPS) Oh...! I'm tapped out. I'll steal some quarters from that blind lady. Slim, I - Wait here. I only got two days. Play! Wait. I have to go. Slim, I have to go. I only have two days left! I only have two days left. 'I hated leaving Slim without saying goodbye but the vato would understand. The wedding was two days away and I only had 12ccs of American steel to get me there.' Don't think I can't see you gawking at those neon boobies. Just keep your eye on the road, Mister. Have you seen my little buddy? He's got frizzy hair and he's in a bubble. Hey, what's up? Have you seen this little bubble guy? I didn't mean it. Excuse. Er, hola. We're a bit lost. Could you tell us the way to, er - Niagara Fails?! I beg your pardon? That's where my buddy was headed when you left him to die! (ALL SCREAM) Come back! You bright and shinies, come and get shiny on my knife! Hey! Hey! Aaaaargh...! This looks like Area 51. Holy mother of shit, Morton. What is that, a space creature? An alien? Oh, my God! Jimmy! Jimmy! Stop the car! Jimmy! (TYRES SCREECH) Argh! Argh...! 'I wasn't sure how I'd gotten on board but I'd always dreamed of riding a train.' 'Thank goodness the worst was behind me.' 'Or... so I thought.' (< WHISPERING) (He's awake.) (WHISPERING CONTINUES) Argh...! Argh...! (BOTH CONTINUE SCREAMING) Shh. Look, he's gonna hear ya. What? He'll hear ya! Erm... What did you say? He said be quiet or the Doctor will hear you. Shh! Who are you? They call me "the human sasquatch". What's your real name? Erm... Clark? So what's your deal? Why are you in a bubble? To protect me from germs. I have no immunity. One germ could kill me. Your doctor would know about it. Be quiet! Quiet. He's not your average doctor. He's Doctor Phreak. We're in his Travelling Phreak Show. He owns us. Owns you?! Shh. Quiet! If he finds out you're in his train, he'll own you. Now you did it, Bubblebutt. Here he comes! He's a vicious brute. You're Doctor Phreak? (LAUGHS) You're so mini! Me? Mini? I'm not mini! I'm not mini! Not! Not! I'm not mini! Who the hell are you? The Bubble Boy. Shut your beak. Why are you out of your coop? Shut up. I could use some fresh meat in my show. So you hop your little bubble butt back on that train. Er, thanks, but I have to get to Niagara Falls to stop Chloe from getting married. That's so, so beautiful. I, too, once loved another. You did? For ten minutes then I kicked her ass out of the car. Well, I have to get going. Going? (ALL) Oh! What are you going to do? You're a freak. I should know. That's my business. No decent girl would marry a bubble freak. Once you get that through your thick skull give me a call. What's wrong with being a freak? Argh...! Doctor? Is he OK? I didn't mean to. He looks sweet when he's not yelling. You've killed him. Good luck! Bye! Heads up, Bubble. OK. Bye. Do you think I'm a bellhop? Where are you going? We're going with you, Doctor Bubble. "Doctor Bubble"? No, no, no. You guys are free. You can do what you want. On to Niagara Fails! Look, you guys, erm, I gotta do this alone. Oh... Yeah... Bye! 'It was nice of the train man to loan me his vehicle.' 'But to get to the wedding in time, I needed something with a motor.' Oh, my God. It ain't even meat! Can y'all believe it?! It's tofu! (LAUGHTER) Excuse me? Could anyone give me a ride? Tofu gives me gas! Bloody red meat! Bloody red American meat! You know, that's the stupidest looking hat I've ever seen! It's adorable! It's adorable! Hey! Hey! Stop picking on him! Oh... Lookie. I don't want any trouble. I was just - Really? Why are you in that bubble, boy? Well, erm, because I was born without immunities. (GASPS) What the hell are immunities?! I ain't staying to find out! What? Everybody out! He's got immunities! No! He's contagious! I don't have any immunities! Don't try to change your story now, boy! I don't have germs! I'm not contagious! I just need a ride! I need a ride! I hereby declare this place quarantined! I don't have germs! # Burn, baby, burn Oh. Oh-ho-ho! What's goin' on, Sheriff? Guys, I think your building's on fire. Carl Peterson's best pig just died! It's spreading! It's spreading! # Burn, baby, burn # Disco inferno # Burn that momma down # Burn, baby, burn # Disco inferno...! (SHOUTS) Just like Calcutta in the summer. Follow me! Come on! Aaaargh...! I'm not in! Stop messing about! This whole town is going to blow! (HORN) Boy, hardy! Now, that's a good fire! Uh-oh. # Disco inferno # Burn, baby, burn # Burn that momma down # Ice cream! Ice cream! Curry! (MUTTERS) Hurry up! Comin' through! Morton, that's the one! Jimmy! Jimmy, we're here! Morton, get this thing open. Jimmy? Jimmy! Look at the cute little boy, Morton. Have you seen my son? He's wearing a large, plastic bubble suit. I know. I'll give you some candy. He stole my freaks, the son of a bitch. What a potty mouth you have! Where was he going...? Screw you, lady. Argh! Thanks. Thanks for saving me. You're welcome. Those were some crazy vatos. For some reason, Shiva has brought you into my life. You defended me. The law of karma requires me to return the favour. This ice-cream truck allows me to teach the wisdom of the sacred cow. Who can resist ice cream? I can't. So, how may I be of service to you, my zip-locked friend? I must get to Niagara Falls to stop Chloe from getting married. Oh... I was thinking of something like a free snow cone, but... ..OK, Niagara Falls it is. (TV) "# Living in the Land Of The Lost" (ECHOES) "Living in the Land... #" "(ROARS)" This is not better than Jurassic Park. How can you like this show? The effects look fake. That's the whole point. What? It's supposed to look fake? (PHONE RINGS) I'm not here. Hello? "What have you done with my son?" Mrs Livingstone? Is he with you? "How could he be?" He's on his way to your wedding in a bubble suit, exposing himself to all the... wickedness and filth this world has to offer. And you're responsible! Let's go, Morton. Correction. You two aren't going anywhere until I get my freaks back. Don't you take that tone of voice with me, young man. Morton, are you going to let him talk to me like that? Yeah, Mort, are ya? (SHOUTING) My car! My freaks! (TYRES SCREECH) 'Help! Jimmy! Argh! Jimmy!' Help! Hang on! Hang on! Argh! Screw you, Grumpy. Hop on, babe. Thanks for saving me, Mark. How do you do it? Immunities, baby. Immunities. (ROARS) Argh...! Argh...! Argh...! (CRASHING!) (GASPS) Oh, dear. Oh... Look at that. It's an elk. Or is it a caribou? Or an American bison? I, er, I think that it's a cow. Oh, really?! A cow?! I didn't know! (SOBS) What have I done? It's just a cow, Pushpop - "Just a cow"? "Just a cow"?! In my religion, the cow is the womb from which all life springs! I have transgressed against Shiva! (SOBS) Shiva? The six-armed goddess. Ever been karmacally bitch slapped by a six-armed goddess? I'll take that as a no! (SOBS) Oh, erm... It's OK, Pushpop. Your religion is all lies. Pardon? That's what my mom says. I mean... Bollocks. I must atone. His mother taught him. What nonsense. May Shiva shine upon your journey. Well, can't we, er,... can't we drive and atone? No, no. One for the road. What? No. No. Erm... There are germs, there are germs in here. Frozen. No germs. No germs? When did this happen? (MUTTERS ATONEMENT) Thanks for the lift! So long! Ice cream! 'Mom not knowing about the bitch slapping goddess was one thing.' 'But everyone should have heard of frozen, germ-free ice cream.' Oh... (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Everybody loves ice cream. Stripper. Rice. Lord, if Thou findest the stealing of this truck offensive, please direct thy wrath upon this midget and not upon us, thy humble servants. (IGNITION STARTS) Alright, let's haul ass. One of you two has to drive. I can't reach the pedals. Upsy-daisy. (HORN) (HORN) (SPEAKS HINDI) I am coming back as a cockroach. Definitely a cockroach. Warm and sticky. Argh! Argh! Oh-ho-ho! Argh! We don't know where those hands have been, do we? Rub them together. Kill those germs. That's right. Good boy. No! Stop! Don't! Show some respect! Hey! Yo, hippie! Did a big, yellow bus with a lot of bright and shiny cabrones pass by? No, sir. I don't believe so. Got any Bomb Pops on that truck? Oh, yes. Please, take the whole damn truck. Alright! (ALL CHEER) Who wants a blue one? (SINGING) # Bright! # And shiny! # (ALL SHOUT) What have I done? What have I done? You OK? Yeah. It's just... Jimmy's my best friend, you know? We spent every day together in high school. Yeah? Did you ever,... you know, get in his bubble? (LAUGHS) No. But I did think about it. I know what you mean. I used to play spin the bottle with a kid from special ed. (LAUGHS) Well... Obviously, it wouldn't have worked out between us. Yeah, I mean, rubber comes in handy every once in a while, but you're way better off with my brother. Yeah. Way better off. # Take a little time Throw it on the line # Let me believe that you believe in me # Baby, turn around. Look at what I found # You are the one that I want # Take a little time # Throw it on the line # Let me believe that you believe in me. # Standin' around Look at what I found # You are the one that I wanted # Took a little time Throw it on the line # Let me believe That you believe in me # Baby, turn around Look at what I found # You are the one that I wanted... # Taxi? Taxi! Er,... I need to get to Niagara Falls by tomorrow. Can you take me there? Depends. On what? Going that far I'll have to get some depends. And five hundred smackers. Five hundred dollars? Where am I going to get five hundred dollars? (FAINT CHEERING) Who wants to be next? Who wants $500? We need fresh blood. Spotlight on the dance floor! I like this! Mr Alien, is it? What are you doing here? I saw the sign outside and it said you have $500 and so - You want $500? Yes, I would like five hundred dollars. You want five hundred dollar?! Yes, I want $500. (SHRIEKS) You want $500?! (SHRIEKS) I want $500! $500?! $500! $500?! $500! Alright! Our next contestant, Mr Alien! Red Hot, Working Girl, bring him over! Big cheer for Mr Alien! (APPLAUSE / WHISTLING) # "Rocky Theme" Mud! Mud! Mud! $500! $500! $500! $500! Whoa! (CROWD CHANTS) Mud! Mud! Mud! Whoa. Whoa. Whoa! Five hundred dollar! (ALL CHANT) Bubble Boy! Bubble Boy! Five hundred dollar! Goddess Shiva, I really need that money! I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America - ! We have winner! Winner, winner, winner! (RADIO) "# Bitch slap me, Jesus I lost my way" "# Free from disaster Get high straight #" (STATION CHANGES) "# Who let the dogs out?!" "# Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - " (RADIO OFF) Morton! I was listening to that. Yeah, Mort. I can't get five minutes of quality time with Jesus. Man, this is some good curry. (LAUGHS) Yeah! I got the money! There he is! I got the money! We found you, Todd. We know who you are. I don't need you to set me free! You are the Chosen One. No! Those people have Jimmy. Stealth! What is it? We must save him from those freaks. What can we do? We need a plan. We blend. I got a plan. What size shirt do you wear? And now to avoid mutating and burning of Planet PX41, we release the Chosen One using the ceremonial tweezers. With this tiny prick I release thee...! No! I'll die! (ALL GASP) It must be a test. Where's my Kloobda? Right there, Lorraine. Thank you! You're welcome. Wait a minute! You're not a Shiny. Who are you? Er,... ..Todd? (ALL) Oh... Wait a minute. What's wrong with your arms? What? There's nothing wrong with my ar-! (WHIMPERS) We're too late! We're mutating! (ALL SCREAM) We'll get you out. On the bus. Oh, why won't you help me? # He's got a bubbly face and a bubble nose # Mr Bubble! # # Bubble Bubblicious # # Tiny bubbles # In the wine # (TV OFF / BUBBLE GUINEA WHISTLES) I know. I miss him too. Come on, Bubble Boy! Hurry up! This way! Hurry! Come on! Todd...! Hey! Shinies! You guys have unfinished business, huh? No, Slim. They're my friends. They brainwashed him! Wait! Bubble, we'll help you. I'll fight you with one flipper behind my back. Want a mouthful of tuna? Free Willy! You'll all get it! I'm gonna whup that ass! (ALL CHEER) Get it off of me! Niagara Falls! And step on it! (SIRENS) The cops! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where's Bubble Boy? Poontang! (EXHAUST BACKFIRES) Huh? Chasin' a dame, ain't you? Last time I was in a commotion like that it was on account of poontang. (EXHAUST BACKFIRES) Oh, what the astronauts drink. No. My wife. My little China doll. That damn brother of mine took her off to Waxahachie. Snatched my poontang... (EXHAUST BACKFIRES) ..right from under me. 86 years ago. I ain't spoke to that bastard since. Don't live in regret, ese. He's your family. Family(!) (CHUCKLES) < I really gotta go. I told you once we're on the road we're not stopping! And after all that, they still didn't get you a new puppy? No. Oh... Poor little thing. No wonder you turned out the way you did. It'll be alright. (EXHAUST BACKFIRES) (EXHAUST BACKFIRES) (EXHAUST BACKFIRES) Good morning, Pappy. You must be tired. You get any sleep? (LAUGHS) I said, you get any sleep? Pappy! Pappy? (EXHAUST BACKFIRES) Pappy? Pappy! Pappy! Stop...! (TYRES SCREECH) Argh...! (THUDDING) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, God... I'm fine. (EXHAUST BACKFIRES) Do you have a phone? (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) Yellow! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hi. Is Chloe there? "Er, who can I say is calling?" Er, Jimmy. Oh. Hello, Jimmy. Where the hell are you? "I'm really close." In New York, I think. "Not to burst your bubble, Jimbo,..." ..but if you got a thing for Chloe, it won't happen. "The wedding's in an hour. What did you expect?" "You can't touch her. You can't have children." Do you even have sperm? But, she - Face it, dude, you're a charity case. "Chloe felt sorry for you cos you lived in a bubble." "Just go back to Palmdale where you belong." (SIGHS) 'I wasn't sure what Mark meant about the sperm, but he was right about one thing.' 'Even if I got there, I could never hold Chloe in my arms or kiss her for real.' 'I really was a freak.' (CELLPHONE RINGS) Hello. Hi, Dr Phreak. It's Jimmy. "Jimmy who?" The Bubble Boy. Jimmy?! Give me that. That's my phone! Hello? Jimmy?! "Mom?" Jimmy?! Why are you with Dr Phreak? "Where are you?" Where are my freaks? OK, sweetheart, we'll be right there. Don't move. Morton, we've got our boy back. Give me that. Argh! Ooh! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Ugh! Argh! Ee! You bitch! Mama... I've never stolen anything and I fell off a dead man's car, and my parents are coming and this is the girl I love's favourite beer... Can I borrow it? Yeah. Sure. Now, open the safe! Do it! Chop! Chop! My baby. The sweet Lord has delivered you from evil. Oh, I must say, you put us through heck, young man. But you learned a valuable lesson. There's no place like home. Load him in the car. The spirit's burning so strong in my bosom I have to wee-wee. How...? How was it out there? Was it fun? You can see the moon today. It makes you wonder what would have happened if Neil Armstrong had gone all the way to the moon then never stepped on the surface. Jimmy! Morton, where's Jimmy?! What happened?! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Come to Mommy! No, Mom! I'm sorry! I gotta do this! I'm not coming home. Jimmy! Todd! Jimmy! Todd! We've found you! We've come to set you free! Who are you? Back off, bitch! He's the Messiah! We love you, Todd! Jimmy, no! Put the pedal to the metal! Argh...! Oh... Oh... Jimmy! Ha-ha-ha! Vaya con Dios, mio lindo. Bubble Boy. Hang on, kid. Pappy? Wh- Whoa...! Look out! (CRASHING) Slim? Wildfire? # Wild... # Fire... # What happened to you, Pappy? I thought you were dead! I ain't Pappy. I'm Pippy. I ain't talked to my son-of-a-bitch brother in 86 years. All on account of that - Poontang! (ENGINE BACKFIRES) Poonani. Poonani? Sister to Poontang. (ENGINE BACKFIRES) Pappy talked about Poontang. (ENGINE BACKFIRES) But not Poonani, Pippy. Oh! Ha-ha! Oh, my Gosh! I made it. I made it. (LAUGHS) Niagara Falls! Niagara Falls! There's the church! There's the church! Chloe! (LAUGHS) (DISTANT BACKFIRING OF ENGINE) Take me down, Pippy. Take me down! (ENGINE WINDS DOWN) Oh, we're going down... (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) ..very fast. Pippy...! Argh...! Argh...! 'You didn't leave that bubble room to play it safe.' 'Don't live in regret, ese.' No regrets. No regrets. No... regrets. No regrets. No regrets. No regrets. No regrets...! I made it! (LAUGHS) I'm late. I'm late. Do you, Mark, take Chloe to be your lawfully wedded wife? To honour and cherish in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live? Oh, yeah. I'm almost there! I'm almost... And do you, Chloe, take Mark to be your lawfully wedded husband? To honour and cherish in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live? Come on, babe. Easy question. (DOOR OPENS) Chloe! Chloe - ! Jimmy. What the hell are you doing here? I told you to head on home. Hold on a second, vato. Vato? Shut up. Am I out of line here? Chloe,... I, er... What? What? Jimmy, what are you doing? Jimmy? I'd rather spend one minute holding you than the rest of my life knowing I never could. So, if you don't mind, er,... ..may I kiss the bride? Is it me? I love you. I love you so much. Jimmy. Forever. Jimmy? No! (SHRIEKS) Jimmy! Jimmy? I love you, Jimmy. I've always loved you. Jimmy! You've killed him! Jimmy... (ALL SHOUT) My own... sweet Jimmy. (SOBS) My precious boy. (Tell him.) What do you mean? Tell him what? He's not dead. You're not dead. He's lying. Tell him everything. Tell him everything. You're not dead. I'm not? (ALL GASP) You developed immunities at four. I couldn't let the world ruin you with its filth. There are awful things out there, so many horrible - I love you, Mom. (ALL SIGH) Oh! So... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Er, since I'm not dead, erm... (LAUGHS) # Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? # Then we wouldn't have to wait so long # And wouldn't it be nice to live together # In the kind of world where we belong? # May Shiva bless your union. Thanks for the ice cream, Pushpop. Well said, master. (MOOING) You don't have to follow me this closely. The buffet is open! (CHANTING) Winner! Winner! Winner! (ALL CHANT) Winner! Winner! Here. For your honeymoon. What is it? Five hundred dollar. Five hundred dollars? $500! $500. $500! $500. $500! $500! $500! $500! (LAUGHS) I'll tell you the story on the honeymoon. Thank you. To family. To family. To family. And my forty! Have fun, you two. You too, Mom. Don't worry. We will. Hit it, Slim. Hit it, Ace. (ENGINE REVS) To friendship. To friendship! Jimmy! Congratulations, kids. Ready to take off? Pippy? You were right about family, kid. Pappy? Poontang? (ENGINE BACKFIRES) Poonani. Poonani. # Wouldn't it be nice? # (VULTURE CAWS) # Bright! # And shiny! # Bright! # And shiny! # People of the promised land # come and join our happy clan # Always happy, # never gay, living clean is A-OK # Bright! # And shiny! # Bright! # And shiny! # If you save yourself for God # you will get the golden rod # Give up on society # We will be your family # Bright! # And shiny! # Bright! # And shiny! # Bright! # And shiny! # Bright! # And shiny! # People of the promised land # come and join our happy clan # Always happy, # never gay, living clean is A-OK # Bright! # And shiny! # Bright! # And shiny! # If you save yourself for God # you will get the golden rod # Give up on society # We will be your family # Bright! # And shiny! # Bright! # And shiny! # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 (MUMBLING) Shotgun! Shut up, Chicken. He'll never fit. Whup that ass!