1 BELL RINGS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (SCREAMS) # O'er the land of the free # and the home # home of the brave. # Oh, America's the home of the brave # the brave... America the brave # the brave. # Home of the brave. # Thank you, Springfield! I love you! Peace! MAN: Thank you, Cyndi Lauper. Just a reminder, folks: we do have a baseball game today. I am Dennis Conroy, and here come your Isotopes! ALL GASP FOR BREATH Let's welcome two new additions to the team: Smash Diggins and Fishbone Walker. Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors for drug violations. CROWD CHEERS Oh, stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get out of here! Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad? Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything. Even you? Especially me. But you've got to support the team, Dad. They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw. That's right. Like my mother always said 'you've got to stick it out 'even if you picked a loser... 'to the bitter end.' First pitch of the game... (SCREAMS) That's a rotator cuff; his career is over. I'm going to warm up the car. But there's only been one pitch. And it sucked. Bases loaded, two outs, bottom of the ninth and it's do or die. # Hitler is a jerk, Mussolini... # That brings up Babe Ruth IV. 'Course, he's no Babe Ruth III but the franchise is very excited about this illegitimate great-grandbambino! And... what's this? He's pointing to the right-field bleachers-- probably at a dying little boy. Mom, am I dying? No, of course not. Is he, Mom? You can tell me. No. Now he's pointing to the ground. Is he indicating a bunt? Yes, he's bunting! CROWD BOOS MARGE: Good hustle, kid! So who won? The losers? No, they lost. (CHUCKLES) Losers. But only by two points and they didn't resort to stealing bases like the other team so it's kind of a moral victory. With a little middle relief they might even make the playoffs. You'll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens. Homer, would you please stop talking about the children's graves? LOUD CHATTER AND CHEERING What's the hubbub? Did Moe finally blow his brains out? Quiet! We're watching the Isotopes! Shut it off. They're losers. Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire. Yeah. That sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise. Now we're in the championship game. Championship? Whoo! 'Topes rule! Well, here's a die-hard fan. Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts? It's a great team, Kent. They never gave up hope. I want to thank Jesus and say hi to my special lady Marge. We did it, baby! Whoo! Whoo! The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team even if they lose this game. They lost? Those losers! No, no, no. The game's not over. Whoo! Not over! Whoo! There you have it. Whoo. ALL CHEER Bottom of the ninth, two outs. It all comes down to this. And here's the pitch. Humping hesus. He got ALLof that one. It's going... going... going... Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski. It's out of here! 'Topes win! ALL CHEER (SIGHS) Nobody touched my rumaki. Whoo! Rumaki! HORN HONKS Isotopes! Whoo! Isotopes! Isotopes! Istotopes. You hear what I'm saying to you, baby? Hey, a baseball field. Batter up. ALL YELL Steal second! I think I'm going to puke! Hey, who's on first? Touchdown! BARNEY: Slide! HOMER: Safe! ALL CHEER Hey, Carl. Isotopes! TYRES SCREECH DRUNKENLY: # We are the champions. # We are the champions. # You got mud on your face, big disgrace. # (SCREAMS) Whoop. Careful. Wow! You look really hungover, Dad. What did you do last night? Hello, big Maggie. BART: Yes! Yes! Yes! Someone trashed the school! What the dilly-yo? ...where, this morning, the three Rs stand for rowdiness, ransacking and i-rresponsibility. Any suspects, Chief? None. That's why we're jumping to the conclusion that this was the work of no-good, punk kids. Kids?! Therefore, effective immediately I am imposing a curfew. Any kid caught on the street after dark will be shot or returned to their parents, as the situation may warrant. Whoa! Curfew? Serves you little punks right. Maybe next time you'll think before... Oh my God! Look what those rotten kids did to my car! 1 The cops can't just slap a curfew on us. We have rights. Sure, you do. You have the right to remain silent. BOTH LAUGH That was cold-blooded, Marge. Yeah. But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything. Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse... What about adultery? Ice-cream truck! Hey, quit pushing! I was here first! Get out of my way! SIREN WAILS Achtung, babies! Curfew is in effect. Return to your homes immediately. CHILDREN SCREAM All right, let's see some IDs, boys. Hah. You two scofflaws are violating curfew. I'm taking you downtown. Oh, uh,... sorry to disturb you, Dr Hibbert. DEEP VOICE: Not at all, Officer. (LAUGHS LIKE HIBBERT) Oh, what a beautiful night -- fireflies, full moon. Kids, the carnival's in town for one night only, and they've got cotton candy and hats with feathers, and there's no lines, because all the stupid kids have curfew, so... Oh right. Sorry. BOTH SIGH Why don't you kids play one of your old board games? When was the last time you played Citizenship? Energy Shortage, Hippo in the House. Ooh! The game of Lent. It's only 5.30. Oh, the hippo's missing. You think that's bad. I had to talk to my mom all night. She's got problems. SCARY problems. Adults blow. Smoking their cigarettes. Drinking their coffee. Your metabolism will change some day too, young man. That ought to show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in charge around here. Gee, Chief, all those gears and motors must have cost a fortune. Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou. (YAWNS) You wanna hold it for a while? Nah. Marge. Kite. Hey, there is one thing we could do. (CLICKS ON TV) Lise, no. It's prime time! You robbed me of my manhood. AUDIENCE: Whoo! AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS Don't Go There will be right back. Wait, there's a commercial. SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS Ohh. Yeah. 40 years ago, a film appeared that was so shocking so terrifying, it was sealed in a concrete vault deep beneath the earth, but even the new management of Sony/Tristar could not contain the pure evil of The Bloodening. WOMAN SCREAMS Milhouse, do you see what's on Channel Six? Uh,... yeah, it-it's really something. (SCREAMS) A registered nurse trained in the treatment of terror, will be on duty during the showing of... The Bloodening. EVIL LAUGHTER MAN: Now playing at the Springfield Drive-in... after dark. Milhouse, spread the word -- we're seeing this movie tonight. That's right. We're breaking curfew. Come on. Breaking curfew, Mom! Due to the likelihood of fear-induced heart attacks, we're offering all patrons million-dollar life insurance policies. Life insurance. Hmm. Will I be able to borrow against the equity? I don't know, sir. It comes free with the popcorn. Is that air-popped? Skinner! We're losing valuable make-out time. Little help. Sure. Ow! Lisa. Nelson. Get off of my moor, you mischievous weans. ENGLISH ACCENT: Actually, we'd prefer to stay. You're thinking about hurting us. Now you're thinking 'How did they know what I was thinking?' Now you're thinking 'I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers.' (SCREAMS) Wow. They showed him. Man, I never liked Shakespeare until now. Right, you little blighters. We've had quite enough of your evil mischief. But you're the one who's been bad. You've been sneaking puddings. We know all your secrets. You pilfered the poor box. (GASPS) Lies! How dare you! Get them! Quickly! We can't have that. Take that, you suckers! Way to go! In your face, fishwife. Enjoying the movie, kids? ALL YELL Listen up, punks. The moral of the story is -- the adults always win. Wah! For crying out loud, Eddie, you scared the hell out of me. Sorry, Chief. (CHUCKLES EVILLY) 1 Don't forget to clean under the jowls. That spot is Club Med for mildew and let this be a lesson to you. Kids never learn. Ha! (COUGHS) Oh, that is it. I'm tired of being pushed around by grownups. It's time to fight back! ALL: Yeah! Fight back! Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie, we could read the adults' mind and tell their secrets and make them pitchfork each other and junk. ALL LAUGH Wait! We don't need supernatural powers. We already know their secrets. My mom shoplifts all the time -- stuff she doesn't even need. My dad gets in car accidents on purpose. Great. This is all gold. MILHOUSE: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet. BART: No, we have to reach people whose opinions actually matter, and I think I know how. Why don't we...? ALL TALK AT ONCE Attention, hem line and midriff monitors. (GASPS) BOTTOM SQUEAKS AGAINST GLASS Wilie, get my Windex! 200 channels, and nothing but cats. So, Marge, ready for another episode of Don't Go There? I'm tired of that show, but I've been hearing good things about Talk to the Hand. Tom Shales says the writing snaps, crackles and pops. OK. Whatever takes my mind off my life. Hey, look what I found -- Grandpa's old radio. Oh, wouldn't it be grand to gather round and have a listen? I'm starting to think. STATIC CRACKLES BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS ROCK MUSIC PLAYS FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT: A date which will live... in infamy. BART: Good evening, adults. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very special presentation. Tonight's programme is entitled... KIDS: We know all your secrets. Boring. Go back to that Infamy guy. ENGLISH ACCENT: Constable Wiggum likes to act tough, but he also likes to walk the beat in control-top pantyhose. Oh. Oh. Heh-heh. Well, heh, it's not like that's a crime. I'm afraid it is, Chief. HANDCUFFS RATCHET And Schoolmistress Krabapple has been stealing supplies from the school cafeteria. Edna. How could you? Don't get up. I'll bus my own tray. And now, we come to Mr Homer Simpson. (SCREAMS) Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage? Oh, Homer. I have a problem. Tune in tomorrow and every day until the curfew is lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults. Well, at least they've already done me. And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson. D-oh! I've called this meeting to determine what to do about those blabbermouth kids and their creepy English accents. Shut up, Mayor. They're telling secrets again. CROWD WHIMPERS Oh, I hope they don't reveal this is a comb-over. (LISA) ENGLISH ACCENT: Our top secret tonight ` gay divorcee Luanne Van Houten has been cheating on her boyfriend, Pyro,... with his best friend, Gyro. How many times have I fought beside you, Gyro? And THIS is how you repay me? Pyro, Gyro, settle down. Can't we shut down that infernal transmitter? Can't we just blow it up? ALL TALK AT ONCE This town's going into the crapper. Chief Wiggum is tracking down those little squealers using the latest in crime-fighting technology. Ah, I got nothing. How about you, Frinky? I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors and compressing the data down in order to express it as a function of my hand. They're over there. And guess who's been practising medicine without a licence? That's right. Homer Simpson. Freeze, you little shock jocks. GUNS COCK Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever goyvin. All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill you. Speak for yourself. Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age. You can't make us come down. You adults are always giving us orders. Well, you kids are always disobeying them. Well, adults treat kids like children. Kids treat adults like cash machines. Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids! Adults! # Kids. you've had your fun. # Now we've had our fill. Yeah! # You're only here cos Marge forgot her pill. # Kids! You're all just scandalising, vandalising punks. # Channel-hoppin', Ritalin-poppin' monkeys. # But please don't quit the fan club. # Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue. # Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you. # Why can't you be like we are? # Oh, what a bunch of brats! # We ought to drown you just like cats. # Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink. # Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink. # Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch. # Surly, meanie, three-Martini lunchers. # I just ate a thumb tack. # Adults! They're always telling us to... # Shut your traps! # Eh... we're fed up with all of you whippersnaps. # We're tryin' to get some sleep here. It's almost 6.15. # What's the matter with...? # Can't you just lay off? # Kids... to... day...! # We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson. Oh, yeah? Pfft. What can you old people do to us? Yeah, you old fogies. You're all feeble. This is Kent Brockman reporting from my own home in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under 70. I can't believe that passed. I warned you guys that seniors always vote in record numbers. The controversial measure passed by a single vote. You really should have voted, Homer. Pfft. It wouldn't have made a difference. Lights out, you punk kids! Yay-hay! We took back the night! Hey, fellas. You vant to stop vith the kicking? My pills are in that can. Good gravy! I don't kick your things. When you're trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up and kick it? It went down the sewer! You happy? I'm gonna sue now. Now it's time for da lawyers. Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Edited by Stephanie Walsh. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Captioning NZ 1999. Shh! And don't tell me to shush, you stupid lady.