www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 I t e w w w q What if this was your house? Power's out. Lights are dead. Your little ones in their bunk bed down the hall, crying out... Mommy! Daddy! Come quick! I'm scared! You need to get there, and fast. You'll need a weapon. But first, you'll need a flashlight. But you're in the dark! What do you do? How are you gonna find it? I'll tell you how. The Glow in the Dark Flashlight! That's right, folks. I'm Larry Daley of Daley Devices, and we'll spend the next paid-programming block rocking your world. And I brought a friend. George Foreman, ladies and gentlemen! Fantastic, Larry, fantastic! Isn't he fantastic, America? But seriously, isn't it true that just two years ago, you were working as a night guard at some dusty museum? That's true, heavyweight champ George Foreman. I was just a regular Joe with a flashlight and a dream. You mean a regular Larry. But what's no joke is, you're CEO of Daley Devices, creator of such indispensable items as the Super Big Dog Bone! You like that one? The Unloseable Key Ring! You like that one? The Unloseable Key Ring! Oh, yeah, that little chestnut! And now your latest breakthrough. Say it with me, America! (ALL) The Glow in the Dark Flashlight! Whatever the household crisis, this is Daley Devices. Can I help you? Tina, give this back to Stewart. I don't trust his math. That guy called again. Again? Larry! Huge news! We got the Wal-Mart meeting. No! When? Three days. OK, we got a lot of work to do. OK, did you just hear me say "Wal" and "Mart" together? Yeah! I know, it's huge. So just take a second to be happy about it. All right. Hooray! You're making fun of me. Let's hold off on the victory parade till we close, OK? You got it. When does he want to meet? They want Friday morning, 10am. When does he want to meet? They want Friday morning, 10am. Cancel that pitch for the electric saw thing with the propeller. I just want to focus on this. OK. My daughter's birthday, cancelled. You can go home. I'm gonna be late. birthday, cancelled. You can go home. I'm gonna be late. OK, boss. > Hello! Excuse me! Unauthorised personnel! Oh, if it isn't our very own Mr Success Story. Come for a nostalgia tour? I haven't seen you for a few months. very own Mr Success Story. Come for a nostalgia tour? I haven't seen you for a few months. Yeah, I've been busy. What's going on here? Progress, so they tell me. The future. Behold, Natural History, version 2.0. 'Welcome to The Museum of Natural History, 'Then let the next little boy or girl have their turn.' OK, um...where were you born? 'Right here in New York City. On 20th Street. 'October 27th, the year of our Lord 1858.' RECORDING SPEEDS UP Blah, blah, blah. History, history. Learning, learning. Changing America, one child at a time. That's great. So you're adding some new interactive exhibits? No, Mr Daley, not adding. Replacing the old exhibits. Where are they going? Away. We're getting rid of all this junk. The dioramas, the waxworks, even some of the shabbier animals, like this scrawny little monkey. You should be careful. He's a capuchin. It's a monkey. He's a rare breed. He's a capuchin. He's not just a monkey. I said monkey. Why be specific? When you're throwing away a monkey, you don't need the Latin name. Are you throwing him away or moving him? What are you, the Primate Garbage Police? Let it go, baby. Whose idea was this? Me, of course. I'm in charge. Me and the board. Mainly the board. Anyway, why do you care? No, it's just, people love this stuff. People, Mr Daley, love "What's next?" You should know that. You left. My situation changed. My business took off. You became a success. So would I if I was a night guard. My business took off. You became a success. So would I if I was a night guard. So where are these guys going? Deep storage. Federal Archives. Deep storage. Federal Archives. Where's that? Deep storage. Federal Archives. Where's that? Washington, DC. The Smithsonian. Federal Archives. There must be something we can do. Washington, DC. The Smithsonian. Federal Archives. There must be something we can do. It's done! They leave tomorrow morning. It's over. Hey. Hey, buddy, how you doing, huh? How you doing with all this? Oh. You want what's in here, huh? You think I got something for you? You think I got a little rope? Think you're stronger than me, huh? Whoa. Is that all you got, huh? Whoa! Lawrence! Good to see you, lad. Yeah, you too, Teddy. The Guardian of Brooklyn has returned. Hey, Ahk. McPhee told me what's going on around here. I had no idea. Indeed. A lot has transpired since your last visit. One would say that... MOBILE BUZZES Cricket. Hey, Bocephus! Little help over here! Hey. Hey, fellas. How are you doing? Well, lookee here. If it ain't Mr Big in the Britches himself, come back just in time to see us off! Yeah, Jed, I heard. Look, I don't even know how this happened. MOBILE BUZZES Yeah, real mystery how this happened. Maybe the answer's on that magic buzzing box there in your hand! You weren't here, Gigantor! That's how it happened! Ain't no mystery! The fact is, Larry, there's no-one else here to speak on our behalf during business hours. None, none, dum-dum. Hey, guys! It's OK! I'll call the board in the morning, all right? I got some pull now. I'll handle this. We're going to be OK here. "We"? You hear that? You hear Daydream Johnny? There ain't been a "we" since you put us on the "pay no mind" list. And that's a cold place to be, boy. Larry, what's done is done. Even the glory of Rome had to come to an end. Don't look dramatically into the middle distance when you say that. It makes me feel worse. I don't know what you're talking about. Where are you looking? Where are you looking? I'm over here. Just a bit of wall. Guys, maybe it won't be so bad. Good point. But this is the Smithsonian we're talking about. (CHITTERS) Dexter, you don't know that. You're missing the point, Gigantor! They're shipping us out! Larry, I know you're trying to make us feel better. I can see that you're genuinely slightly bothered, but it's never going to be the same. All of us here, together, in this place. It ain't never gonna be home, boy. Ooh-ee. Jedediah, please! Lawrence, these are emotional times for all of us. But it is our last night as a family, and I don't want to see it squandered in self-pity. So who will join me for one final stroll through these hallowed halls? Do you want to go for a walk? No. I'm just going to squander it in self-pity. My dear, shall we? Safe journey, my love. Hey, Dexter, want some help there? Ow! Hey, come on, man. No hard feelings, all right? It's gonna be fine. It's almost dawn, Lawrence. Yeah. So, where's your crate, Teddy? I won't be making this journey, Lawrence. It seems myself, Rexy, and a few of the signature exhibits will be staying here...for now. Lawrence. It seems myself, Rexy, and a few of the signature exhibits will be staying here...for now. Without the tablet? In truth, Lawrence... ..Ahkmenrah's tablet will be remaining here with him. What? They're going without the tablet, my friend. I'm afraid this night is their last. You didn't tell them. Sometimes it's more noble to tell a small lie than deliver a painful truth. Sometimes it's more noble to tell Are you going to be OK? truth. Sometimes it's more noble to tell Are you going to be OK? I shall do my best. And who knows? Sometimes the greatest change brings about even greater opportunity. Look at you, Lawrence. You left this place and created quite a life for yourself. Yeah, I guess so. I hope you'd do more than guess, my friend. You're a captain of industry. The world at your fingertips. You have everything you wanted. Yeah, no, I know. No, you don't. If I may, lad, allow me to offer you one piece of advice. The key to happiness, to true happiness, is... MOBILE BUZZES Hang on one sec. I just gotta... I got this Japanese deal. OK, I'm turning this off. I'm sorry. The key to happiness? I'll see you, Teddy. So they're gone? There's nothing you can do? I wish there was, man. I'm telling you, I tried everything. I talked to McPhee, I called the board. But they shipped them out this morning. This is a lot of food, Dad. Ed from work's coming by. I thought I told you. We have to go over some things. So you're working tonight. I used to work every night, remember? That was when you had the coolest job in the world. PHONE RINGS Well, cool doesn't pay for your Guitar God VI. Hello? 'Gigantor! It's me, Jedediah!' your Guitar God VI. Hello? 'Gigantor! It's me, Jedediah!' Jed? 'Never surrender!' Jed, what are you... How did you dial the phone? Long story. That monkey stole the tablet, and now we're in a world of hurt, boy! Long story. That monkey stole the What's going on? of hurt, boy! Long story. That monkey stole the What's going on? Kahmunrah! Long story. That monkey stole the Kahmunrah? Kahmunrah! Long story. That monkey stole the Kahmunrah? Ahkmenrah's big brother! He's here! And trust me, not a friendly! I repeat, not a friendly! Is that Attila, Jed? Jed? Are you OK? Hey, Jed. Jed? CALL CUT OFF What was that about? I don't know. Here, come on. Gonna drop you at your mom's. What's going on, Dad? I'm going to go find out. OK, buddy, McPhee said the Federal Archives are in the Smithsonian. Where exactly am I going? That's the thing. The Smithsonian is actually 19 different museums. They're laid out round the National Mall, from the Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial. They got everything there. There's some really cool stuff. Nicky, please focus. Which museum are the Archives in? Not in, under. It looks like it runs under the Smithsonian. If Ahkmenrah's tablet is down there... The biggest museum in the world is coming alive. What exactly is your plan, Dad? the world is coming alive. What exactly is your plan, Dad? Don't worry about it. You have no plan, do you? Nicholas, I have a very good, highly thought-out plan. You have no plan. Nicholas, I have a very good, highly thought-out plan. You have no plan. Yes, I have no plan. I'll call you when I'm in. Welcome to the biggest museum in the world. I know, right? It's a trip. How about these planes dangling from the ceilings? Pretty weird. Could you tell me how to get to the Federal Archives? the ceilings? Pretty weird. Could you tell me how to get to the Federal Archives? Of course. Just be a historical document worthy of storing for all eternity. I'm kidding. He's not a document. I'm sorry, sir, the Archives are underground, and they're a secure area. Really? Like, totally secure? OK, thank you. (ANNOUNCEMENT) Ladies and gentlemen, the museum will close in one hour. Kahmunrah. What are you doing? No touching. What are you doing? No touching. I wasn't touching it. What are you doing? No touching. I wasn't touching it. You were moving in with some ITT. What are you doing? No touching. I wasn't touching it. You were moving in with some ITT. ITT? Intent To Touch, homey. No, I wasn't. Are you going to kiss it? No, I wasn't. Are you going to kiss it? All right, sorry. Put your hand on it and touch it cos I stand and wait all day for a little girl like you to come in and put her nail-polished nails all over the exhibits. Sorry, last time I checked, we lived in a free country. nails all over the exhibits. Sorry, last time I checked, we lived in a free country. No, we don't. It's the United States Of Don't Touch That Thing. I'm allowed to look at it here, OK? You see what happens when you touch it! I'm allowed to look at it here, OK? You see what happens when you touch it! So, you're threatening me? Brandon? It's Brundon. Excuse me? Brundon! Brundon? Bir-un-don. Bir-un-don. Did they run out of Us on your nameplate maker? Did they run out of jokes at the joke store that you shop at? Look, sorry, it just looks like Brandon, but... I'm not here to be your speech therapist! looks like Brandon, but... I'm not here to be your speech therapist! Brundon. OK. I'm not here to be Never heard it before? Brundon. OK. I'm not here to be Never heard it before? Brundon? No. Look at most popular baby names, 1984 - Brundon. OK. Are you threatening me, Brundon? I don't know, Princess Jasmine. Am I? Wow, Lunabeam nine-volt. Wonderful piece of hardware, huh? That's their title, Lunabeam Nine. Wow, Lunabeam nine-volt. Wonderful piece of hardware, huh? That's their title, Lunabeam Nine. I prefer the Maglite LED, but that's just me. Do me a huge favour. Shove your hands into your pockets, put your attitude way down, and also, be nice to people. Great. But could I just ask you one thing? Yeah. OK, so, just to be clear, I can't do this? OK, that's actually crazy. Did you decide to end your life early? I'm going to hit you with the flashlight. Now, you are threatening me. with the flashlight. Now, you are threatening me. Do not touch it! Do not touch it! Don't touch me. I'll touch you with my flashlight all day. Don't touch me. I'll touch you with my flashlight all day. It's meant to illuminate. I will literally rent a camper and we'll drive across America with my light on your chest. I will literally rent a camper and Don't do that. light on your chest. I will literally rent a camper and Don't do that. Don't do what? Want to see what happens when I do it again? Watch you do nothing. Let's watch you do nothing when I do this. Seriously, Brandon, you do... nothing when I do this. Seriously, Brandon, you do... Brundon. Brundon, you do not know who you're dealing with. You think you know what it means to be a guard? Trust me, you don't know the meaning of the word. I've seen things that you could not imagine. What kind of stuff? I'm not going to tell you. Drop the flashlight. I'm not going to tell you. Drop the flashlight. It sounded like you were going to say something cool. You don't get to hear it. Drop the flashlight. We cool? That's was pretty cool, what you just did. We cool? That's was pretty cool, what you just did. Thank you. No hard feelings? OK. Sorry. I'm sorry. OK. Sorry. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I shouldn't... Two opposing forces cause friction. You're just doing your job, all right? Take it easy, man. All right. Two opposing forces cause friction. You're just doing your job, all right? Take it easy, man. All right. Yeah! That guy's great. OK, buddy, I'm in. Great. Where are you? Northeast corridor of the Castle. Off the Commons. Talk me to the Archives. OK. At the end of the hall, turn right, and there should be a stairwell on your left. Got it. It's a maze down there. Those underground tunnels connect different buildings. It could get complicated. We'd better hurry. Only 28 minutes till sundown. When you get down to B level, you'll want to take another left... When you get down to B level, you'll want to take another left... Nick? Hello? Nick? Dad! Can you hear... Nick? Hello? Nick? Dad! Can you hear... Nick, you're... Nick! BUZZER (SECURITY GUARD) ID. Brundon! Hey! Later, dude! All right. All right. Where are you guys? Oh, my God. You little troublemaker. I'm going to deal with you later. r No! No! No, no, no! (SPEAKS COPTIC) (SPEAKS COPTIC) Eh, parlez-vous Francais? I'm sorry, who are you? I am Kahmunrah, the great king of the great kings, and from the darkest depths of ancient history, I have come back to life! Uh-huh! Perhaps you did not hear what I just said. I am a centuries-old Egyptian Pharaoh. I was dead, but now, I have come back to life! Yeah, no. I heard that. I got that. Welcome back. Who are you? I got that. Welcome back. Who are you? Larry, Larry Daley. Daley Devices? It's up in New York. It's funny, I know your brother, Ahkmenrah. Do you? I know your brother, Ahkmenrah. Do you? Yeah. He knows baby brother. The favourite son. Yeah, good kid. Isn't he just(?) Mother and Father always gave him the best of everything, and I do mean everything. They even gave him the throne. The throne which was rightfully mine! He never mentioned that. I'll just bet he didn't. Well, now begins the era of Kahmunrah, because I have come back to... Never mind, just hand me the tablet. Don't give it to him, Gigantor! > Silence! Silence in there, please! Don't make me come in there! No! I won't be muzzled! Look...that tablet is more powerful than you, Larry Daley of Daley Devices, can possibly imagine. Bringing things back to life is just a parlour trick. With it, I shall unlock the Gate to the Underworld and bring forth my army from the Land of the Dead. So, if it's not too much trouble... ..hand it over. OK, here you go. Wise decision. Hah! Dah! Yeah, I know, cos... I'm sorry, I thought you wanted the cube, but... Mah! The cube? The cube. Of Rubik. All right. What is this Cube of Rubik, then? The cube. You know, the one that turns all who oppose you to dust? That one? Whatever. I thought... It was my bad... Your brother didn't want to mess with it, either. He wanted to play it safe, too. Just, you struck me as a next-level sort of guy, so I was... Mah! I am not my brother, Larry. I will kill you and your friends in the blink of an eye. Hah! Now, take me to this Cube of Rubik. Here it is. Open it. LOCK SNAPS OPEN RUMBLING AND ROARING Come back here! Come back here with my tablet! I still have your friends! HE SHOUTS TO HIS GUARDS SCREECHING Yee ha! Yee ha! TRUMPET MOTORBIKE BRAKES Take the wheel! MOTORBIKE BRAKES Take the wheel! What? I said, take the wheel! Oh, we're in it now! I love it! I love it! Just keep her straight, I'll handle the rest. Now, charge! ENGINE STARTS UP OK, so what's the plan here? We're Americans! We don't plan, we do! Now, hold on! SCREAMING See that? Act first, think later! Works every time! You're in good hands! General George A Custer of the fighting US Seventh Cavalry, at your service. Yee-ha! I'm good, I'm good! Fly, you fool! What's the rumpus, ace? Lady, could you get out of the way? Who are you calling lady? The name is Amelia. TYRES DEFLATE Amelia Earhart! Perhaps you've heard of me? You're a famous pilot or whatever. Pilot? I was the first woman to fly the Atlantic! First woman to receive the Flying Cross, first woman to fly across the 48 states in a gyro-prop. Wipe that perhaps-permanent look of alarm off your kisser and kindly tell me where I am. You're in a museum. Or, actually, under it. And I'm in kind of a dangerous situation right now, so you might not want to be anywhere near me... Wow, you're fast. be anywhere near me... Wow, you're fast. What's your name, flyboy? My name is Larry Daley. Well, Larry Daley, in case you weren't listening, I'm not one to shy away from danger. How about spears? Are you one to shy away from spears? OK, skipper! Now we're going to have some fun. Ninety-eight, ninety-nine... bingo! Ah! Like a Golden Fleece. All right, troops, when your enemies captured me, they made themselves my enemies as well. Big mistake. Big mistake. APE NOISES All right, here's the plan. On the third bugle blast, I shall loudly announce, "Attack!" At which point, we will all jump out of this box... ..and attack. Boom. Mind bomb. What do you think? You, Sacaja. That is not my name. You, Sacaja. That is not my name. Sacajamea. No. Sacajamea. No. Sack in a box. No. Cinco de Mayo. I know you are a famous general. That's all right, I'm a person, just like you. But won't yelling "attack" alert the enemy that we are about to attack? a person, just like you. But won't yelling "attack" alert the enemy that we are about to attack? What? (LAUGHS) Er... ..yeah, I guess so. You're quite the popular fellow, Mr Daley. Why don't you just skedaddle? I can't. My friends are being held down there, I have to get them. I got to find another way down. Wow. This is new. CHILDREN LAUGHING Hey, it's all right. I don't want to hurt you. I don't think it's you they're afraid of, Mr Daley. SHOUTS Trade you. Thanks. Back off! Just back off! I will fork you! How about you, huh? Never send a boy to do a woman's job. I spent two weeks spear-hunting with a tribe in Micronesia. The Micronesians had much slower reflexes. Hmm! Come on! STREET MUSIC Well, this is one humdinger of a hootenanny. Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me. PHONE RINGS Wow, four bars in 1945. Hello? Dad. Finally! I've been studying plans to the Archives. Once you get down the stairwell... plans to the Archives. Once you get down the stairwell... I'm way past the stairwell, Nicky. You found everyone? I'm way past the stairwell, Nicky. You found everyone? Sort of. What is that you are talking to? Who's that? It's Amelia Earhart. You found Amelia Earhart? Who's that? It's Amelia Earhart. You found Amelia Earhart? I... Hey! Wait a minute! Buddy, what's your hurry? Didn't you hear? The war's over! Sorry. These guys are chasing me. What? What am I looking at, Mardi Gras? What unit are you from? I'm from Brooklyn. What? Are you serious? I'm from Flatbush! Hey, fellas! These so and sos are trying to rough up my pal cos he's from Brooklyn! Thank you! cos he's from Brooklyn! Thank you! You got it! Fight! Hey, Mister! You forgot your... ..what the heck is this thing? Hey, you! Excuse me. Mind if I get in here? Any time you're done, Mr Daley. Call me! Thank you for that. You're quite the smooth operator. Thank you for that. You're quite the smooth operator. Quick! That actually worked. Quick! That actually worked. What's next? Nothing personal, I'm in the middle of something. It's not your fight. It's because I'm a woman, isn't it? It's because I've got this ancient raised-from-the-dead evil Pharaoh who's willing to kill me and anyone near me to get this tablet so he can rule the world. who's willing to kill me and anyone So it is because I'm a woman! rule the world. who's willing to kill me and anyone So it is because I'm a woman! Look, I... If it weren't for me, you'd be lost in monochromatic mayhem! Look, I... If it weren't for me, you'd be lost in monochromatic mayhem! Lost in what? Black and white photo, you boob! Listen, I can help you. I want to help you, and not because I like you, which so far I don't, but because I smell adventure, and, damn it, I want in. OK. Don't blame me if something happens to you. I should be so lucky. I am Kahmunrah. I am half god, once removed on my mother's side, rightful ruler of Egypt, future ruler of... ..well, everything else. So, I am in need of some new generals to join me Ivan the Terrible. Napoleon Bonaparte. And young Al Capone. Yeah. Some of the most despicable, most feared leaders in all of history. And us, too. And me, you. All I ask is your allegiance, and in return, I offer you the world. Literally. Are there any questions? I got one. How come you're wearing a dress? This is not a dress. This is a tunic. It was the height of fashion, 3,000 years ago, I assure you. Are there any other questions? Da. This dress you're wearing, do we have to wear one of these, too? Were you not listening? I just told Mr Capone here that this is not a dress. It is, in fact, a tunic. Very big difference. Are there any other questions? Any questions not about the dress? ..Tunic? All right, then. Moonlight is wasting, and the time is short. Short?! Why do you look at me when you say "short"? I... Sorry. It slipped out. Da. If we are talking about world domination, then of course, I am interested. But first I want to clarify something so you know what you are getting. People always say, "Ivan the Terrible, he's so terrible. I'm so scared of Ivan. He's bad news," when in fact, the correct translation is... "Ivan the Awesome". Ivan the Awesome? It's not really as catchy, is it? I mean, "Ivan the Terrible", that really pops. I wasn't terrible. I was quite an effective leader. Duly noted. Now, I'd like to wrap up the old meet and greet by asking YOU gentlemen a question. Are you with me? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Are you with me? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Oui. Da. But... Then bring Larry Daley of Daley Devices and the Golden Tablet of Ahkmenrah to me! We'll get you back down to your chums, Mr Daley. You won't get lost following Amelia Earhart. (WHISPERS) Quick, get down. Well, well, Mr Daley, I quite like the way you're holding me. No. Sorry, I wasn't trying to... Oh, stop beating your gums, Mr Daley. You haven't taken your cheaters off my chassis since the moment we met. I literally didn't understand one word of that. MUSIC Is it just me or is there music in the air? # ..We can make it shine # We can take for ever... # You! Little flying angel things! Quiet! They're cupids, Mr Daley. Gods of love. Great. Gods of love, would you shut up? Please shut up. We're trying to hide. RAP: # Yeah! More than a woman! Yeah! No, don't change the arrangement, it's not about the arrangement. Quiet! # Kick the chorus, y'all! # More than a woman # Yo, show me what you got, night guard # More than a woman to me # More than a woman # She's more than a woman... # Whoa! And so...the little tiny man who could not be a smaller or shorter mouse runs into the claws of the giant cat! You're really hung up on the height! It's not about height, see. Yes, you're saying I'm a little mouse, giant cat. It's not about height, see. Yes, you're saying I'm a little mouse, giant cat. I am the giant cat. No offence. It's... You're Napoleon. There's a complex named after you. You're famous for being little, and it's true. There's a complex named after you. You're famous for being little, and it's true. Oh, you naive American man-boy. Neither of us are going to be jamming anytime soon, right? It's not like we should... It's not about height or something else. It's a plan. It's a brilliant plan. So it was a plan. Snazzy manoeuvre, Emperor. Merci, mademoiselle. Now, if your boyfriend would kindly come with me. Snazzy manoeuvre, Emperor. Merci, mademoiselle. Now, if your boyfriend would kindly come with me. I'm not her boyfriend. Not her boyfriend. No. Just friends? Yeah, friends. Just friends? Yeah, friends. Er, acquaintances. Friends. Were you guys friends in college and afraid now to ruin your relationship by telling the other person you want to be more than friends, that you like-like each other? One more time? I'm sorry. I didn't catch the... Were you guys, like, friends in college and now afraid to ruin your relationship by telling the other person you want to be more than friends, that you like-like each other? No. No? I just love the nitty-gritty of relationships. All us French do. Yes. Amour! Now! Yeah? This way, or you die. Yes. This way, or you die. Yes. En velour! En velour! Wait, I'm coming with you! En velour! En velour! Wait, I'm coming with you! No! Our fight is not with you. My hair is currency in certain parts of Europe. It's true. Currency, like gold or paper money. The Duomo was purchased with just one locket. Listen up, kemosabe, this rodeo clown wouldn't know a flapjack from a flyswatter. Now, Gigantor's out there risking his hide for us, the least we can do is give him some help. Some big help. But we can't very well do that if we're stuck in here, now, can we? We need to escape. But we can't very well do that if What's a flapjack? We need to escape. But we can't very well do that if What's a flapjack? It's like a biscuit or a scone. Chest bump? Yeah. Then deadly. Watch. Guard your cards, OK? Now you bet. Ready? Guard your cards, OK? Now you bet. Ready? Ready. This is no fun. You're supposed to... Hey! What are you two doing out here? Make a run for it, I'll hold them off! I will not leave you! Make a run for it, I'll hold them off! I will not leave you! No time for your Roman melodrama! Now, get! Go! I will not leave you! Old Jedediah will be fine. melodrama! Now, get! Go! I will not leave you! Old Jedediah will be fine. Now, you're in real trouble. Why, these aren't real rubies at all. Ruby slippers indeed! real rubies at all. Ruby slippers indeed! SMASH! But, whoever you were, Archie Bunker, you had one comfortable throne. Hey, boss. Caught this one trying to escape through a rust hole in the crate. One of his little friends got away. Oh, please. What damage could they possibly do? Why, they're no bigger than a little grain of couscous. Aren't you? Two words come to mind when I hear you talk. "Delusional" and "weirdo". And, if I had to say a third, "goofy". Just goofy. Now you let old Jedediah out of here or he's going to get angry. Well played, Jedediah! (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously. You're just adorable, even when you're threatening me. It's hilarious. Is it just me, or are these guys unbelievably cute? Now hold it a second, now. You have a right to keep me as your captive, torture me, even, but don't call me cute! I ain't cute! Steady, my friend! Just stay alive! I will find you! Argh! (ANGRY CRY) Gigantor. No! Nice to see you again. Now, if you don't mind, I shall take that from you. Thank you. Finally. Finally! After 3,000 years... my evil army of the damned, my beautiful, beautiful army, shall be... UNLEASHED! (GASPS) Oh. I'm afraid that Mother and Father may have slightly changed the combination on me. I guess this whole unleashing the underworld thing isn't really working out for you, huh? It must be really frustrating, cos you've waited thousands of years to come back from the dead and everything, and now you can't...get it open. Fear not, for I shall wait a thousand more if I must. Good, cos in a few hours, you'll be standing in a frustrated position, frozen, and I'll walk out of here with my buddies and that'll be that. So, I got all night. Really? All night? Well! He doesn't. Open that cage. What are you doing? No touching! No touching! Don't you manhandle me! Look, he's having a little tantrum. Jed? Look, he's having a little tantrum. Jed? Don't you squirm! Don't squirm. It'll only be worse for you. Put him down! be worse for you. Put him down! Don't be afraid. I shan't hurt you. Oops, I lied. Er...no. Oh, I don't think he has all night at all, Mr Daley. From the looks of things, I'd say he has a little over an hour. Take me out of here! You were the guardian! You know all about this tablet. You're obviously much more clever than the rest of us. You may or may not know the combination, but I am going to give you exactly one hour to figure it out. If you do not, I shall kill your friends. And please don't think about escaping, for I shall be watching you. Look, I don't even know how to begin to decipher this thing! Really! you. Look, I don't even know how to begin to decipher this thing! Really! Oh, what a pity. And your little cowboy friend seemed like such a charming little fellow. Ah, well. Tick-tock, Mr Daley. Your hour has begun. Hey! You got this, partner. I know you do. Shoo! You got this! There you are! Are you all right? I was worried sick! Sick, I tell you. No, I'm fine. So what's our next move, partner? No, I'm fine. So what's our next move, partner? I don't know. I just got to get this tablet translated. Oh, great(!) This guy again! Look, buddy, we don't want any trouble, all right? LOUD WIND BLOWS, WATER SPLASHES Look at that! I guess our sassy cephalopod was just a fish who didn't like being out of water. He's not such a ballywagger after all. OK. Oh, OK! Glad you're happy. ITS TENTACLES KISS HIM Hello? > A little assistance? Hello? > A little assistance? Ooh! Hey, Teddy! Perfect! Hello? > A little assistance? Ooh! Hey, Teddy! Perfect! Yes! Maybe you could help us. Ooh! Hey, Teddy! Perfect! Yes! Maybe you could help us. I'd love to help you, but first things first. My nose is so itchy, it's driving me insane. I hate to ask, but, as you see, I'm missing a few body parts. Could you please give us a scratch? Yeah, sure. missing a few body parts. Could you please give us a scratch? Yeah, sure. Oh, yes! That's exquisite. A little over there. Yeah, sure. Yes! A little over there. Yeah, sure. Yes! More? Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, that's... Sweet rutabaga pie, that was divine. Theodore Roosevelt, at your service. 26th President of the United States, Rough Rider, founder of the national parks, and other stuff. Have we met? Rough Rider, founder of the national parks, and other stuff. Have we met? Oh, no! There's another Teddy. We have one of you in New York. Really? Yeah. What's he like, this other me? Oh, he's pretty much the same, except with... Except what? Say it. Except with a body? Yes, he has a body... Except with a body? Yes, he has a body... Oh, dash it, the pain! ..and a horse. Excuse me! We need someone to translate what's on this tablet. Do you read hieroglyphics? Yes, I do, missy. Oh, that's a simple one. Bird. Man with spear. Sideways fish. Beetle. Vase. OK, and what does that mean? It means, and this is just a rough translation, "A man with a spear trapped a bird and a sideways fish in a vase." "And there was also a beetle." I don't think that's it. "And there was also a beetle." I don't think that's it. That's one possible translation. Another possible one is, "You will find the combination you seek "if you figure out the secret at the heart of Pharaoh's tomb. OK, and what does that mean? at the heart of Pharaoh's tomb. OK, and what does that mean? What am I, the Sphinx? Why don't you ask New York Teddy? I'm sure he'd love to get his fingers all over that thing! Probably let his horse lick it, too! We should go to the sculpture gallery. Someone there might have a better thought on this. The fellow we're looking for is just down here. Bonsoir. Oh! Hello, young lady. Hey, excuse me. Could we keep moving, please? We certainly could, but then we might miss a rare opportunity. I mean, she is a Degas, Mr Daley. It's just my buddy's stuck in an hourglass, I got a pitch meeting at Wal-Mart in the morning. It'd be great if... stuck in an hourglass, I got a pitch meeting at Wal-Mart in the morning. It'd be great if... He's right here. I think he'll have a thought on this. Mr Thinker, we're sorry to interrupt your contemplation, but we need to figure out the secret at the heart of Pharaoh's tomb. to interrupt your contemplation, but we need to figure out the secret at the heart of Pharaoh's tomb. I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm...thinking. I'm thinking. I'm...thinking. It's not happening with him. Oh, wow. You've gotta be kidding me. Check that out! Oh, yeah. Check that out! Oh, yeah. (GIGGLES) Hey! Hey! Buddy! Over here! This is serious. Apparently, it's a matter of life and death. I'll tell you what's a matter of life and death. That beautiful lady over there. Hey, baby! Check out the gun show going on over here! Boom! Bang! Firepower! He's certainly no Einstein. Biceps! Pop! Deltoids... Yeah. Wait a minute. I saw a bunch of those. A bunch of whats? Little Einsteins. Where?! Over there, in Air and Space. We gotta get over there. ..What? Nothing. OK. Then why are you staring at me? OK. Then why are you staring at me? I don't want to miss a moment. All right, good, but we should get going, cos we... I don't want to miss a moment. All right, good, but we should get going, cos we... Ow! Why? You talk too much, ace. I don't know why I did that, Mr Daley. I just feel as if I've been asleep for a long time and now, suddenly, I'm awake. Mm-hm. I can explain that. and now, suddenly, I'm awake. Mm-hm. I can explain that. Ssh! But really, I could. I really should... Ow! Again, why? HARP MUSIC BEGINS # Near, far... # HARP MUSIC BEGINS # Near, far... # Oh, great, you're back(!) # Wherever you are... # Oh, great, you're back(!) # Wherever you are... # < OK. Yeah. Great. Love theme from Titanic. Good, but not really appropriate. # ..does go on! # You don't let yourself enjoy things much, do you, Mr Daley? OK, you know what? It's not really the song choice. And by the way, you're a little pitchy. Well, I thought you were amazing, and you look wonderful. (ALL BLOW KISSES) Could you just fly away, please? And so the adventure continues. ENGINE RUMBLES, REVS ENGINE REVS INDISTINCT CHATTER TENSE MUSIC HEARTBEAT THUDS ENGINE REVS GEARS CRANK, ENGINE REVS, TYRES PEAL Whoo! ENGINE ROARS, TYRES PEAL Yo! TYRES SQUEAL Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I feel like I'm in a game. BOTH: Whoo! EXCITING MUSIC LAUGHTER, TYRES SQUEAL Far out! BOTH LAUGH This is insane! POWERFUL MUSIC ANIMALS GROWL AND SQUEAL ANIMALS GROWL AND SQUEAL What did I tell you? Enough! ANIMALS QUIETEN DOWN Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, you know, I... Ooh, ooh! I do sort of feel like a floating butterfly. You are crazier than a road lizard. Mr Egypt, these two here heard that we're taking over the world and they want in. I don't know who they are, but they're on exhibit here, too, apparently. I don't even know what they are. Um, I'm sorry, but we're all full up in our axis of evil today. Sorry. Um, I'm sorry, but we're all full up in our axis of evil today. Sorry. (ELECTRONIC BREATHING) Aw, come on! But I'm bad! I'm bad! Hey, I could show you how bad I am! I'm like, Grrr! Fear me! Yeah, er... Oh. I'm sorry. I'm just not buying it. You don't seem very bad. You just seem sort of... vaguely grouchy to me. Oh, boy. RUMBLING Oh, boy. RUMBLING What are you doing? What is that? What is this? What does it mean? You've lost me. Is that you breathing? Because I can't hear myself think. Can I make one suggestion to you, my friend? Just simplify. There's just too much going on here. Are we going to the opera? I don't think so. Sorry! Are we going to the opera? I don't think so. Sorry! Ow! Goodbye. Attention! He's leaving with the tablet! Where? Give me that. He's not trying to figure out the... He's trying to escape! Go. Go! All of you! Kill him! And bring me that tablet. Come on, people! Let's go! Without that tablet, we've nothing! And bring me that tablet. Come on, people! Let's go! Without that tablet, we've nothing! Streltsy! Go! Thought you could get away, didn't you, Larry Daley? MEN SHOUT Criminy, we're jimmy-jacked. Jimmy-jacked? Really? Criminy, we're jimmy-jacked. Jimmy-jacked? Really? It's the way I speak. Yeah, I know, but that one sounds made up, even for you. "Oh, no, our path has been blocked by bad people." What's the fun in that? Well, we're not getting into Air and Space now. blocked by bad people." What's the fun in that? Well, we're not getting into Air and Space now. You're right. We are... What's the fun in that? Well, we're (BOTH) Jimmy-jacked. You're right. We are... What's the fun in that? Well, we're (BOTH) Jimmy-jacked. Come on. They say a good man rules this union. I promised Jedediah I would bring help, and help I will bring. Charge! ONE GRASSHOPPER CHIRRUPS Argh! Argh! ONE GRASSHOPPER CHIRRUPS AGAIN Argh! Ar... (PANTS) Misjudged the distance. GRASS CRUNCHES > Who's there? Jupiter, protect me. SQUIRREL SNIFFS Jupiter, protect me. SQUIRREL SNIFFS Remain very still. They can sense movement. IT SQUEAKS Apparently, they can also hear me talking to myself. Argh! Oof! I am not a nut! Oof! No! MEN SHOUT We should be OK in here for a while. OWL HOOTS We should be OK in here for a while. OWL HOOTS So, how long have you guarded antiquities? What? Oh, no, I don't actually work at the... I just thought with the fancy get-up and all. actually work at the... I just thought with the fancy get-up and all. No, I borrowed this. I mean, I was a guard back in New York, but that was a while ago. So why did you leave? Did you not enjoy it? No, I loved it. I just... Things sort of took off in a different direction, so... So what do you do now? Things sort of took off in a different direction, so... So what do you do now? Well, I sort of, um... Well, I sort of design products and sell them. You're an inventor? I am. I am an inventor, yeah. I invent stuff. You're an inventor? I am. I am an inventor, yeah. I invent stuff. Like the rocket ship? No. yeah. I invent stuff. Like the rocket ship? No. The sea plane? The dirigible? Like the rocket ship? No. The sea plane? The dirigible? No, not aircraft. Sort of like more small-scale stuff, like, um... Like, well, the Glow in the Dark Flashlight, that was mine. So this new job, do you like it? Yeah, I like it a lot. It's exciting. It's.. What? Yeah, I like it a lot. It's exciting. It's.. What? I'm just confused, is all. If you're not excited by it, why do you do it? I am... I'm excited by it. I just said... I know what you said, Mr Daley, but what I see in front of me is a man who's lost his moxie. I have not lost my... I...I got my moxie. Do you know why I became a pilot? I don't, no. Do you know why I became a pilot? I don't, no. For the fun of it. Why else would anyone do anything? (GROANING) > Why else would anyone do anything? (GROANING) > Great Gatsby! Ooh! Blast these pigeons and their incessant cooing. No! Mr President! Sir. Please don't get up! Time to see the state of this great union! Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today. No, Mr President, I can't let you go out there, sir! Sir, if you go out there, you're going to freak a lot of people out! Freak? I assure you, sir, I am no freak. No, I didn't mean you're a freak. sir, I am no freak. No, I didn't mean you're a freak. Come here, little one. Whoa... No, I didn't mean you're a freak. Come here, little one. Whoa... In fact, if anyone is freakish, I'm afraid it's you, sir. The truth is, you are very small. And I mean even for a regular-sized human. What? What? Why would you even say that? I must be honest. Oh, Right. OK, Honest Abe. Of course. I'm sorry. Great. Come, now, Mr President, put him down and let's sit our fanny back in that throne of yours. You have a can-do attitude, and I shall do as you ask. Thank you. There you go. Thank you. It's that very can-do spirit that has defined this remarkable nation of ours. Interesting story. It's that very can-do spirit that They're coming. of ours. Interesting story. It's that very can-do spirit that They're coming. One night in Gettysburg... Mr President, I need you to hold still now. One night in Gettysburg... Mr President, I need you to hold still now. What? Abraham, freeze! to hold still now. What? Abraham, freeze! Freeze? I... What? Abraham, freeze! Freeze? I... SHOUTING Abraham, freeze! Thank you. SHOUTING Abraham, freeze! Thank you. You're welcome. Come on, let's get to Air and Space. If I may, you two make an adorable couple. Oh, no, we're not a... I mean, we're not a... "We're not a... I mean, we're not a..." Blah, blah, blah! I never lie! The truth is, you two are adorable together. Thank you. Good night. Farewell, lovely lady and small, little man. Now let's see if we can find these Einsteins of yours. LOCK BEEPS (PILOT) What? Where are we? YAWNING 'It's one giant leap for a mannequin.' (ANNOUNCEMENT) 'DC, this is Air and Space. We are back online and fully operational.' The Tuskegee Airmen are on the march once again. Can you stop narrating everything we're doing? Just live in the moment. The Tuskegee Airmen are living in the moment. Miss Earhart. Yes? Miss Earhart. Yes? I want to say thank you. Miss Earhart. Yes? I want to say thank you. What for, Captain? A lot of people didn't think we could fly either. Thanks for clearing the runway, ma'am. A lot of people didn't think we Race you to Paris? clearing the runway, ma'am. A lot of people didn't think we Race you to Paris? You're on! It's just a quick jaunt over the pond. It's just a quick jaunt over the pond. No. We don't have time. Come on! The Tuskegee Airmen are on the march... Sorry, it's in the blood. There she is, Mr Daley. Old Bessie, the old family bus. That gal took me across the Atlantic! Old Bessie, the old family bus. That gal took me across the Atlantic! The Einsteins are over here, though. 'This is Mission Control. Flight check green. 'You are cleared for launch.' Flight check green. 'You are cleared for launch.' Where'd you go? Where'd they go? Contact! Where'd you go? Where'd they go? Contact! 'DC, this is Mission Control. No, no! Contact! 'DC, this is Mission Control. No, no! 'We are all systems go and green for lift-off.' 'Roger that.' Hey, no, no! 'We are green for lift-off.' No, we're definitely not green for any kind of lift-off. I want a "go, no-go" for launch. for any kind of lift-off. I want a "go, no-go" for launch. I say no-go. Let's not go. Go! Go! (AMELIA) Go. Go! (AMELIA) Go. No! No go! 'Torquing angles incoming.' Tone it down with the torque. Torque it down. De-torque. De-torque. Whoa! Commence ignition sequence. Roger that, flight. Commence ignition sequence. Roger that, flight. We have launch commit. Commence ignition sequence. Roger that, flight. We have launch commit. No, you don't! No, no, no! Ten...nine...eight... sev... That's mine. We do not have commit. Repeat. We are decommissioning the committal of the launch and it is now a negatory launch phase. We are in a no-fly, no-go phase. That is a November-Gorgon phase of non-flying. Fine! That is a November-Gorgon phase of non-flying. Fine! And we're going to say good night. Thank you. Good work. Over and out. Sorry. Damn, that was disappointing. Come on. I'll buy you a cup of coffee. Oh! Hey, little space monkey. IT SQUEAKS You're Able. OK, good. How you doing? Oh, yes, good. At ease. All right. Oh! You're a polite little fella, aren't you? Hey, you happen to know where those little Einstein bobblehead guys are? Mr Daley! I found your Einsteins. Great. Hey. Gentlemen, we're trying to crack the combination of this tablet doodad, and the writing here says we'll find it if we figure out the secret at the heart of Pharaoh's tomb. What does that mean? "Figure out". It's a figure, ie, a number. And the Pharaoh's tomb, ie, the pyramids. Don't you get it, kid? You're looking for the secret number at the heart of the pyramids. Well, whistle me Dixie. The answer's Pi. at the heart of the pyramids. Well, whistle me Dixie. The answer's Pi. Pi? Well, whistle me Dixie. 3.14159265, to be exact! Pi? Well, whistle me Dixie. 3.14159265, to be exact! Oh, yes! 3.1495265? No, no, no - 3.14159265! Yeah, OK - 3.14... I'm sorry, I can't tell. Is it yes or no? Cos you just... I know it's hard, could you just... I can't tell. Is it yes or no? Cos you just... I know it's hard, could you just... Don't touch the hair. Sorry, I can't tell if it's up or... I'm a bobblehead, dummkopf! And that's the way - Uh-huh, uh-huh! - we like it. All together now! (ALL) # That's the way - Uh-huh, uh-huh! - we like it! # Uh-huh, uh-huh! # You know, we can't all be Einstein. I can. I am! We are. You know, we can't all be Einstein. I can. I am! We are. He is. You are! Me, too! OK, all right. Can you slow it down a little bit? He is. You are! Me, too! OK, all right. Can you slow it down a little bit? OK, here it is. OK, all right. Can you OK. 3.14159265. OK, here it is. OK, all right. Can you OK. 3.14159265. (THE OTHERS SIGH) OK, 3.14... OK. 3.14159265. (THE OTHERS SIGH) OK, 3.14... I've got it. Thank you, Mr Einsteins. Thank you. All right. Now, like the brilliant and famous general that I am, I thought long and hard about what you said, and I've come up with a brand-new and improved battle plan! (LAUGHS) OK... I will loudly announce that we are not going to attack, and then, wait for it... "What's the amazing Custer about to say now? "I hope he's my friend... " Bam! We attack! (LAUGHS) CAVEMEN GASP Didn't expect your friend to run off like that now, did you? CAVEMEN GASP Didn't expect your friend to run off like that now, did you? Oh, he's coming back, Ka Ka Ro. CAVEMEN GASP Sure as moon shines on a mongoose, he'll be here. Oh, I would save my breath if I were you. You don't have many left. We've got about minutes to get over there to Jed. I think we make a good team, perhaps more than a team. Wait, wait, wait. OK, wait. What's the matter? You didn't like kissing me? Wait, wait, wait. OK, wait. What's the matter? You didn't like kissing me? No, I did. It was great. I mean, the slapping hurt a little bit, but... No, I did. It was great. I mean, the slapping hurt a little bit, but... So you don't like me, then? Of Course I like you. You're incredible. I think you're an amazing person. You're... It's there are certain... issues that would prevent us from... I just... You're not... I'm not what, Mr Daley? OK. You're made of... Made of? Wonderful things. You're made of good, wonderful things. LIFT PINGS (NAPOLEON SHOUTS) Come on. SHOUTING > Gentlemen, could you buy us some time please? SHOUTING GETS LOUDER It'll have to do. Make your feet move! No! That's the first plane ever made! It's made out of balsa wood and paper. It's made out of spruce and canvas and good old-fashioned American ingenuity! Are you coming, or what? Out of our way. I don't think so. Out of our way. I don't think so. ENGINE STARTS They're getting away! I don't think so. ENGINE STARTS They're getting away! The Tuskegee Airmen are holding them back! Hang on, Mr Daley. Things are about to get interesting. A lady pilot! Preposterous. Think again, boys. Oh, she's good. WIRE SCRAPES Oh, she's good. WIRE SCRAPES Uh-oh! What? What "Uh-oh"? A wire's jammed. I need to loosen it. Take the stick. No! I'm not going to... to loosen it. Take the stick. No! I'm not going to... I know you've got moxie in you yet. Moxie doesn't fly planes! People who have pilots' licenses fly planes, OK? Moxie doesn't fly planes! People who She's all yours. OK? Moxie doesn't fly planes! People who She's all yours. Ah! I don't want it! I don't want the stick! Don't look now, Mr Daley, but you're flying an airplane! I don't want the stick! Don't look now, Mr Daley, but you're flying an airplane! Whoa! Oh! Ah! Ah! Whoa! Able! The doors. ALARM BLARES Got it. Whoa! (SCREAMS) Pull up! (BOTH) Aargh! Whoa! (BOTH) Yes! Godspeed, Amelia Earhart! (BOTH) Yes! Godspeed, Amelia Earhart! Godspeed. t e t Look a little nervous there, Ramen Noodle. Cos for me, this is like a spa treatment. Sand baths are really rejuvenating for the skin. Exfoliates. Given up yet? Oh, not quite yet, no. In fact, let's see if we can't make time fly, eh? Ah! Ah! ENGINE RUMBLES What is that funny sound? Ah! Whoa! Whoa! Ah! (GASPS) Stop! Right there, please, Mr Daley. Well... Well, well, well! You certainly know how to make an entrance, Mr Daley. > Well... Well, well, well! You certainly know how to make an entrance, Mr Daley. > Time to recruit some backup. I hope for your little friend's sake, here, that you also figured out the combination. Give me Jed. sake, here, that you also figured out the combination. Give me Jed. No. First, give me the combination and hand over that tablet. I'll give you them when you release my friends and give him back to me. I shall release what I want to release when I want to release it! Great. And I'll release what I want when I want to release it, OK? Tell me the combination and give me that tablet now or I shall kill your friends, starting with the little shaggy-headed little cowman here. I ain't shaggy-headed! Gigantor, let me take this guy! Don't worry! You don't give me my friends, then you won't get your combination or your tablet. All right. They didn't call me Kahmunrah the Trustworthy for nothing. Here you go. They didn't call me Kahmunrah the Trustworthy! They called me Kahmunrah the Bloodthirsty, who kills whoever doesn't give him what he wants in the moment that he wants it, which is right now, when I had also better get the combination and the tablet. That's what they called you. combination and the tablet. That's what they called you. It was shorter in Egyptian. Great, I'll give you the combination after you give him back. How dare you? Touch that again, I shall kill you right now. OK. How dare you? Touch that again, I shall kill you right now. OK. Don't touch. This is a no-touching zone! OK. Good. Well, then... a no-touching zone! OK. Good. Well, then... Oh, my God! I can't believe you reached across like that again! I can't even believe it! Oh, God, I want to kill you right... If you didn't know this combination, you'd be so dead right now, it would be unbelievable. Great, but I do know the combination. Don't cross this line with your hand! Now... Don't cross this line with your hand! Now... How dare you! If you speak again... If you speak again, I'm going to kill you. Do you understand?! Don't say it! Oh, God, I see you getting ready. to kill you. Do you understand?! Don't say it! Oh, God, I see you getting ready. I wasn't going to say anything. Oh, my God, don't say anything. I shall murder you if you talk again. Now give me that tablet and tell me the combination. OK. After you give me Jed and release my friends. Oh! You did all three. and release my friends. Oh! You did all three. What? You spoke and you reached your hand across! Look, I can talk to you about this all night, OK. Look, just give... How about I don't kill you right now, like I really, really want to, and I give you precisely five seconds to give me that tablet and tell me the combination? We already got the combination. It's Pi! 3.14159265! No! 3.14159265! No! Hey, ssh! 3.14159265! No! Hey, ssh! Ow! Sorry. See, Crazy Hair here, he sang. Oh, did he sing! Like a canary. I'm sorry, Larry. Like a canary. I'm sorry, Larry. Enough out of you! Remember what happened last time. I'm sorry, Larry. Enough out of you! Remember what happened last time. Ow! Enough out of you! Remember what happened last time. Ow! Hey! That's enough. (EINSTEIN) Stupid man. You OK? Yeah, thanks. Must be a real bummer for you, Larry, knowing all of your valiant efforts were, in the end, for naught. What a terrible disappointment you must be to yourself. HUMMING Do you hear that humming sound? Do you know what that sound is? It's rhetorical. That is the sound of the End. (SPEAKS COPTIC) I'm sorry, Jed. (SPEAKS COPTIC) I'm sorry, Jed. Ah, you did your best, Gigantor. Dadgum it, we almost had him, too. I'm sorry, Jed. Ah, you did your best, Gigantor. Dadgum it, we almost had him, too. No, sorry I wasn't around the last couple of years at the museum. Maybe none of this would have happened. You don't get it, do you? I didn't call you cos we needed your help. Sure, we were in a little pickle, but it wouldn't have been the first time I had to wrestle my way out of a root sack. No, partner. I called you cos you needed us. That fancy suit you've been parading around in these past couple years, that there's a hanging suit. All gussied up, but dead inside. That ain't you! And, hey, I'll tell you another thing. That ain't you! And, hey, I'll tell you another thing. Yeah? This night ain't over yet. This little Midnight Cowboy's got some fight left in him. Something tells me you do, too. Ho, now! CRASHING AND RUMBLING (EINSTEIN) Ah! Welcome to the new, extended reign of Kahmunrah, Fifth King of Egypt and now THE WORLD! Horus, Ra, my warriors, come forth! Send Larry Daley and his friends to their doom! SCREECHING ROAR Hach! Halar...ha! Om neteh ha! Halt! The mighty Octavius has returned! I ride on the back of nature's most fearsome creature! I ride... the squirrel! Forward now, my mighty steed! Whoa, girl! Easy. Do you wish to surrender honourably? Or must this end with the spilling of your blood? This? This is your big rescue? Oh, no. This is! (CROWD GASPS) What...is that thing? The name is Abraham Lincoln. And you, sir, are in a heap of trouble! Attack it! Maktah, da! (HE CAWS) Disgusting half-pigeons! SQUAWKING Uh-oh! No, no, no! Hello? Adios, bird brains! Wait, wait, wait. No, no! Adios, bird brains! Wait, wait, wait. No, no! Goodbye, strange birdmen. Do not return to the Underworld! Yes, yes, do go back into the Underworld. Thank you for coming. No, no! Well, this is awkward. It appears my work here is done. Just remember, son, a house divided against itself cannot stand. Farewell. What now? You know, I'm not quite sure. I suppose we should probably start by watching him die. Streltsy, make him dead! BUGLE SOUNDS Oh, now what? We are not going to attack, right... nowwwwwwww! (CROWD) Yeah! Get them! Fear not, Larry. I will help Jedediah. You come at them from behind. Hey, what's going on? You come at them from behind. Hey, what's going on? I'm hiding. Hiding? What are you doing? We need you. I'm a failure. Hey. No, you're not. Did you foolishly lead 208 Americans to their deaths at the Battle of Little Big Horn? No. No. Not good. Not good at all. That's not good. No. Not good. Not good at all. That's not good. Sure, I talk a good game, but the truth of the matter is, I don't deserve these stars. I will always be famous for my biggest failure. Hey. The past is the past, OK? Right now, this moment, this night, this is what you're going to be remembered for. This is your last stand. SOUNDS OF BATTLE ECHO IN DISTANCE They need a leader. SOUNDS OF BATTLE ECHO IN DISTANCE They need a leader. Yeah, they need a leader. You want to be their leader, huh? They need a leader. Yeah, they need a leader. You want to be their leader, huh? Yeah, I do. Yeah, they need a leader. You want to be their leader, huh? Yeah, I do. Let's do this! All right? Yeah. Let's go! Yeeeeehah! Not good! Hey, Able! Oh, great. Guys? Hey, guys! This is not the time to get into this, all right? SLAP Dexter, you know better. All right? That's what happens when you do that - you get that. Stop, just stop! Stop! Now, listen. You're both proud capuchin! You need to concentrate on slapping the enemy. You're both proud capuchin! You need to concentrate on slapping the enemy. SLAP MONKEYS GIGGLE Keep it together, all right? Come on, let's go! Let's do it! Jedediah, they need us! Come on, let's go! Let's do it! Jedediah, they need us! I ain't going to make it! Afraid this cowboy's been to his last hoedown. Octavius, remember me as I was. Wild, and free, and...and... No need for final words. Oh, I'm not finished yet. Oh. I want to get to the story of us, the evolution from enemy to friends. No. the evolution from enemy to friends. No. It'll make you cry. No! Because you are going to live! Aghhh! Woo! Let's go to work. Woo! Let's go to work. Have a sword. ..Sword! Incoming! (BOTH) Aghhh! Ow, my foot! Oh, mon dieu! (BOTH) Aghhh! Ow, my foot! Oh, mon dieu! Ooh, that smarts. Sacre bleu! You smack, you kick. You smack, you kick. You smack, you kick. Teamwork, fellas. Wunderbar! How you doing, fellas? Are you all right? Never better. When I give you the signal, open the gate. I take it you have a plan. signal, open the gate. I take it you have a plan. I'm going to divide the house. En garde! The tablet, now! OK, you can have it. Just tell me who the boss is, I'll give it to you. Or should I give it to Kahmunrah? He's your master, right? Nyet, he is not our master. Really? Cos he acts like he is. Just tell me who the boss is and you can have it. Hey, that'd be me. This man is a peasant. I am the only one here of noble birth. Really? Cos he's got more medals and a bigger hat. Thank you. You might got medals, but you put your little child hands on that again, it'll be the last thing them tiny mitts of yours ever touch. Why would you touch little Nippy? Hey! (HE BABBLES NONSENSE) I can handle this, OK? You can handle nothing. You can barely speak, you fool. You know what? No problem. I'll give it to you. You see that? Argh! I'll give it to you. You see that? Argh! Oh, you're a spunky little fella! Very clever, Mr Daley, getting them to fight amongst themselves. Yeah. I can't really take credit. It was Abraham Lincoln's idea. You know, a house divided can't... Doesn't do well. Yes, well, you should have saved yourself when you had the chance. Because now I shall have the tremendous pleasure of killing you myself! What are you? I'm the night guard. Noooooo! Victory is ours! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Ha ha, yeah! I'd say somebody found his moxie. The Battle of the Smithsonian. Perhaps the greatest battle the world will never know. We'll know. Yeah. Oh, man, I got an hour till sunrise. I got to get you guys back. In case you forgot, Gigantor, they don't want us there any more. I got to get you guys back. In case you forgot, Gigantor, they don't want us there any more. Well, I do. Hey, think you could hook us up with a ride? My pleasure, of course. Hang on a second. One last thing I got to take care of. Come on, boy. Come on, come on! Get in there! Feels good, right? (SQUEALS OF DELIGHT) You're welcome! Just get back inside by sunrise, OK? These are promising days, indeed. All right. Hey, come on, guys. Remember, stay with your buddy, OK? Well, you're back where you belong. Yeah, think so. I guess I should be going. Yeah, think so. I guess I should be going. Mm. Hey, Amelia. That thing I was trying to tell you about earlier? There's not really an easy way to put this... but, in the morning... I know what's coming, Mr Daley. I've always known. But it doesn't matter. You've given me the adventure of a lifetime in one night. And I have a feeling it's going to be a beautiful sunrise. Have fun. Thanks. Hmm. I don't know about you fellas, but this old cowboy just got to second base. I don't know about you fellas, but There she goes. base. I don't know about you fellas, but There she goes. Straight towards... Canada. She's heading to Canada. No, now she course-corrected. Here, head on downstairs, guys. All righty. Good night, Larry. Hey, boy, how's it going? Lawrence! Bless you for bringing them back. And might I say, a hearty well done is in order. But they cannot hide in the basement for ever. Yeah. I think I got that figured out. Really? Yeah. Sun come, dum-dum. Our Moai friend is right. The dawn will soon be upon us. Hey, Teddy. Mm? Remember you said something about the key to happiness? Did I? "The key to happiness is..." Then the sun came up and you froze? I think I got it figured out. It's doing what you love, isn't it? With people you love. Actually, I was going to say "physical exercise", but the love thing's good, too. Actually, I was going to say Lawrence! love thing's good, too. Actually, I was going to say Lawrence! Yeah. Welcome home, son. Thanks. Well, folks, the wait is over. After two months of renovation, tonight, The Museum of Natural History reopens its doors to the public. As you can see, New Yorkers are flooding in, eager to see just what changes are in store. With its new, extended night hours, we're told the museum will be more lively than ever. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well! Hey. I see the uniform still fits after these long, long years. Yeah, yeah. Really hasn't been that long, but... So, to what do we owe this "triumphant" return? Not cut out for the "corporate" jungle after all? Got fired? this "triumphant" return? Not cut out for the "corporate" jungle after all? Got fired? No, actually, I sold my company. Ah, the world doth move in mysterious ways. One day, we've got to get rid of everything old. The next, a rich, anonymous donor gives a huge endowment, with a proviso - everything stays the same. Mm. So... Well, not exactly the same, obviously. No. Lads and ladies, the name is Theodore Roosevelt. Naturalist, Rough Rider and 26th President of these great United States. Come along, lad. The hunt is afoot. Lawrence. # Let's groove tonight # Share the spice of life. # Hey, you dum-dums bring me gum-gum? Hey, zooper-zoo, zooper-zoo! Zoooo! My parents gave me this tablet some 3,000 years ago, entrusting me with one of my people's most prized possessions. Do anything? What's the point if it doesn't do anything? Actually, it has a magical power that brings all the exhibits to life. No, really, what's it do? Nothing. It's just for decoration. (WHISPERS) I knew it. Nothing. It's just for decoration. (WHISPERS) I knew it. Mm-hmm. This place is lame. This thing doesn't even look real. Seriously, dude, these animatronics suck. (COLOSSAL ROAR) # Let this groove Light up your fuse. # Mammoth? Yeah. Extinct. Today's technology is beyond me. Extinct. Today's technology is beyond me. I know, so lifelike. Yeah, yeah. Something else. Will you stick around a bit longer this time, or run away again when you get something better? Will you stick around a bit longer I'm going to stay. you get something better? Will you stick around a bit longer I'm going to stay. Stay, for a long time, yeah. Good. Cos, as night guards go, you're... (CLEARS THROAT) What? The best. The... (CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY) Excuse me? # Let's groove tonight # Share the spice of life. # You, toddler, don't hug the displays. # We're gonna groove tonight # Let's groove tonight. # DISCO MUSIC FADES I'm sorry, hi. I don't mean to stare. I just... You look a lot like somebody who I know. I get that a lot. Do you? Yeah. I guess it's just I have that kind of face. Familiar. I have that kind of face. Familiar. Yeah. You're not by any chance related to Amelia Earhart, are you? No. You're not by any chance related to Amelia Earhart, are you? No. No. to Amelia Earhart, are you? No. No. I don't think so. Of course you're not... I mean, I don't know... I just had to ask. I'm sorry. She was that woman who flew across the Pacific. The Atlantic. Atlantic, of course. First woman to do that, and to receive the Flying Cross. That's very cool. Yeah, she was very... She was cool. Hey, you know what you should check out is the hall of miniatures. Could you take me there? I'm always getting lost. Yeah, no, sure. So, yeah, it's right` Yeah, come on.