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When Charlotte finally finds the man of her dreams, Kevin, she discovers that his mother, Viola, is the woman of her nightmares. Starring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda.

Primary Title
  • Monster-in-Law
Date Broadcast
  • Saturday 20 August 2016
Release Year
  • 2005
Start Time
  • 21 : 05
Finish Time
  • 23 : 00
Duration
  • 115:00
Channel
  • TV2
Broadcaster
  • Television New Zealand
Programme Description
  • When Charlotte finally finds the man of her dreams, Kevin, she discovers that his mother, Viola, is the woman of her nightmares. Starring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda.
Classification
  • M
Owning Collection
  • Chapman Archive
Broadcast Platform
  • Television
Languages
  • English
Captioning Languages
  • English
Captions
Live Broadcast
  • No
Rights Statement
  • Made for the University of Auckland's educational use as permitted by the Screenrights Licensing Agreement.
Subjects
  • Feature films--United States
  • Mothers and sons--Drama
  • Mothers-in-law--Drama
Genres
  • Comedy
  • Romance
Contributors
  • Robert Luketic (Director)
  • Anya Kochoff (Writer)
  • Michael Vartan (Actor)
  • Jane Fonda (Actor)
  • Jennifer Lopez (Actor)
  • Adam Scott (Actor)
  • New Line Cinema (Production Unit)
  • BenderSpink (Production Unit)
  • Spring Creek Productions (Production Unit)
1 # "Tell Mama" - Etta James # You thought you had found a good girl # One to love you and give you the world # Now you find that you've been misused # Talk to me, I'll do what you choose # I want you to # Tell Mama # All about it # Tell Mama # What you need # Tell Mama # What you want # And I'll make everything alright # That girl you had didn't have no sense # She wasn't worth all the time that you spent # She had another man throw you outdoors # Now the same man is wearing your clothes # I want you to # Tell Mama # Tell Mama # What you want # And I'll make everything alright... (PHONE RINGS) "It's Carol from the temp agency." "Dr Patel's office needs you tomorrow." "Is that OK? Let me know. Bye." Morning, neighbour. Hey. Help yourself. Thanks. I was out of everything. Why do I even bother? You know, Remy, I gave you that key for emergencies. Extreme emergencies. It was. I needed caffeine. This is good. I'd even wear it. Good, I've got to go. I'm late for my first client. But you stay, have breakfast, take a shower. Go through my drawers. #...Tell Mama # All about it # Tell Mama # What you want # Tell Mama... Hey, Charlie. Morning! Are the boys ready? Dragon! Zorro! Hey! There are my boys! Come on. Yay. See you later! Bye! Be good, boys! Whoa! Slow down! # ...All about it # Tell Mama # What you need # "Romance is in the air today." "No-one can resist your obvious charms." (GROANS) Well, Otis, your horoscope seems accurate. Stop it. Come on. Let's read mine. OK. "Do not leave your house today." Too late. "And stop looking so hard. Love is right in front of you." (BARKS) Hey. What's wrong? I ordered a non-fat latte. I can taste the fat. I'll change it. (CELLPHONE RINGS) Can't you make a cup of coffee? How hard it is to make a friggin' cup of coffee? I can make another. I'd be happy to exchange it for you. Hello? You've done enough. Sorry. Karma. Have a good one. Thanks, girl! Oh, sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Hi. Hi. I don't know how to read tarot cards. Why am I in them? Just try! This crazy old lady keeps coming up. The knight in shining armour. That's mine. Hmm? I saw this guy twice today. That guy? Two times in one day. That's got to be a sign, right? Mmm, a sign. Yeah, OK. What did he say when you talked to him? I didn't talk to him. Well, are you sure he saw you? Yeah! I mean, I think so. OK, we're worried about you. You're turning into a bit of a freak. Yeah, we think it's from not having sex. Exactly. I haven't been in a relationship in a while. Doesn't mean I'm miserable. I just want a sweet guy, you know. A guy who's strong but opens a door once in a while. (WHISTLES) And who... notices things. And,... you know, maybe makes a difference. Maybe he completes you. (LAUGHS) Oh. (You complete me.) (BOTH LAUGH) I'm sorry. Dr Patel's office. Hi, Mrs Reynolds. Go to Grandma's. I'll be late. I have stitches to do. Can you please hold? See you at home. You go ahead. I can do that for you. Thanks. You're a doll. No problem. Hey, George. How're you doing, Charlie? Good. What you got? The doctor asked me to bring it in. Phew! OK. Alright. The doctor will be right with you. # "Into My Soul" - Gabin ft Dee Dee Bridgewater # I said "Leap into my arms, babe" Thanks. # Come on and dive into the snow... We're here! Thank God you guys are here. I am down two girls tonight. Here. Sorry, that's all I got left. Wow. I love that I am comfortable with my sexuality to wear something like this. Looks good. What's up? Take off the apron. Sorry. Where do we start? OK, erm, hand out these shrimp balls. There must be a better name for them. It's not bad. What's wrong with it? # I said # I said # Oh, my God, that's him. Whoa! Who? The guy I ran into. He's here! Where? What? Three times in two days. What are the chances? None. That's Dr Fields. This is his party. Just moved back from San Francisco. Really? Yeah. Well, you're right. He is hot. # Flirting with disaster # You're the one # I'm after # I think I've found # My destiny # I can fly # On the wings of my heart # Deep inside I've been falling apart # L-L-Love # There's a magic in you # And I'll be # Under your spell # The guy goes into cardiac arrest. Kevin performs CPR on the guy, saves his life again. God. Disgusting, isn't he? No, you are amazing. Urgh! Yeah. Excuse me? Wa-Wa-Wait. What do we have there? Oh, erm, balls. Erm, shrimp balls. Erm, shrimp in... balls. I'm sorry, but we're not really into fish genitalia. (LAUGHS) Yeah, OK. Was she listening to our conversation?! Excuse me. Wait a second. I know two things about you. You work in catering, and you have a lot of dogs. Oh, that! No! I'm a dog walker. I'm not some crazy dog-lady with 12,000 dogs. That's why. Sorry. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. You're right. You shouldn't have. You should have talked to me. Well, your girlfriend seemed pretty offended. Oh, no, that's not my girlfriend. I don't have a... I'm sing... I don't have a girlfriend. What? Nothing. Nothing. Erm, I'm Charlie. Charlotte, but Charlie. Well, I'm Kevin. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Uh-oh. What? What does "uh-oh" mean? Someone else is mowing your lawn, Fiona. I'm gonna go destroy these. Excuse me. I'll see you later. Oh, my shoes are killing me which means they must look fabulous. Can I get you anything? One of him on a platter. Such a waste. What's a waste? Oh, you didn't know? (Kevin's gay.) (What?) (Yeah.) That's Kit, the groom. Or maybe he's the bride. I can't remember which one's the top and which one's the bottom. They're getting married next Christmas in Maui. Oh, I didn't get that vibe. Trust me. Thanks. (LAUGHS) Look at that dude's arms! I used to have such good gaydar. (SHRIEKS) Oh, you're home. Thank God. I'm exhausted. (PHONE RINGS) What did you do today? Went to the post office. Oh. (PHONE) "Hi, Charlie. This is Kevin Fields." That's him! "I don't know if you remember me from the party the other night." I was just calling to see if, erm, maybe you wanted to walk my dog. What?! No! Ohh. Hang up the phone. No, actually, you can't because I don't have a dog. So, erm, maybe you could walk me. (Hang it up.) Alright, you know, I'm gonna go now. Call me at 555-0118 and ask for Dr Fields. OK. Thanks. Bye. Oh, man, that was horrible. Don't hold your breath for a call back. She'll call if she wants to walk an idiot. I'm not going to disagree. So,... takeout or raid your fridge? Here we go. Take it easy, Lilly. Easy. Hi. You never called me back so I figured I'd bring the coffee to you. Thanks. Erm, look, I think you're a really nice guy and everything, but I don't know why you called me. You know, I'm a woman. Yeah, I love that fact. Well,... have you ever been with a woman? (LAUGHS) Excuse me? Have you only ever been with men? Men? What are you talking...? Wait, I'm not gay. You're not? No. No, I like women. Lots of... No, not lots of women. You know what I mean. Why did you think I was gay? Awkward. OK, I got to go now. Wait, wait. Wait, wait. I'll prove I'm not gay. Let me take you out on Friday night. We'll watch the playoffs, I'll order a pizza, I'll completely ignore you. Give me one good reason. Cos I'm different. Really? OK, what colour are my eyes? Well, at first glance, your eyes are brown. But when the light hits them, they change to amber. If you look really closely around the iris, the colour is pure honey. But when you look into the sun,... they almost look green. That's my favourite. How did I do? I would've settled for brown. (BARKS) OK. (GROWLS) Aaargh! Peanut, let go! Off! Off! I'm sorry he bit you. They all have their shots. It should be fine. Don't worry. Barely broke the skin. Outside. > Did you just move in or something? No, been here a year and a half. Nice place. I should have hydrogen peroxide around here somewhere. What is all this stuff? Oh, I'm a yoga instructor. This? And a Little League coach. And a dog walker and a caterer. I told you I'm a temp. Not true. She is a talented artist. Remy! Look at her sketchbook. Remy! She hides it right under there. Remy! What? (He's not gay.) (MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) Are you alright? (REMY) Yeah. Yeah, thank you. I found it! So, you're an artist, too? I like to dabble in a lot of different things. Life's too short to live the same day twice. That's a good philosophy to live by. My dad always used to say that. Come on. Used to? Yeah. My parents died when I was little. I'm sorry. That's OK. It was a long time ago. You ready? Yeah. It's a little embarrassing. I'm the doctor. I'm supposed - Ow! (GASPS) Oh! Ow! I'm sorry! I'm just kidding. I never get to do that. (LAUGHS) OK, because the cut is three inches higher. (PAGER BEEPS) Sorry. Do you need my phone? No thanks. It's my mom. Her second page of the day. She's just getting started. Well, you're all set. Thank you. So, do you think, erm,... we could do this again sometime, maybe without the biting? Yeah, that would be nice. (PAGER BEEPS) (SIGHS) Heard from Kevin yet? Not yet. Page him again. Good morning, Stan. Good morning. You're in a good mood. Last time the executives came to see me, I got a show and a big raise. Yeah, and I had to start kissing - Viola Fields? Oh, my God! It is such an honour to meet you. Oh, thank you, darling. Would you mind just signing this autograph? For my grandmother. (LAUGHS) I'd love to. You know what else I'd love? For you to get me a latte. Do you mind? OK. Thanks, hon. Hi, guys. How are you? That woman is a legend. Shouldn't you be getting the latte? I can't believe they picked me to replace her. Oh, shit! I-I've been replaced? I'm so sorry, Viola. I'm fine. I mean, you've had an amazing career, Viola. It's just that we're trying to appeal to a younger demographic. I'm fine. I'm fine. (CRASHING) Goddamn! Call my manager! I'm gonna call the head of the... (CRASHING) Erm, we're on in two minutes. OK. Will you get her to come? Please! OK, she'll be ready. (CRASHING) I'm ready. # Love got jeans and a tee # Am I kinky or sweet? # Take a look inside my make-up bag # Ooh, if you wanna love me # How good or bad I can be # Are you OK? I'm great. Hey, I've had a great run. I've done exclusives with Kissinger, the Dalai Lama, Muhammad Ali. Four sitting presidents. Three of them hit on me. Five Emmys! (LAUGHS) Now I'm being replaced by a young thing whose grandmother loves me. You know what? I'm gonna finish out my contract and I'm gonna leave this show with my dignity intact. Coming back from commercial. Cue announcer. Today on Public Intimacy pop singing sensation Tanya Murphy. (GIGGLES) Now we're live with Viola Fields. Four, three, two... Well, that was very nice. You have a big voice for such a tiny girl. You're gonna miss Viola Fields. Have you always been a singer? Ever since I was a child. I would sing in school plays, choirs. How old are you? I'll be 17 next month. Erm, what do you do for fun? I love watching really old movies. They're my favourite. Really, which ones? Well, Grease and Grease II. Erm, Benji. I love Benji. Free Willy, erm,... Legally Blonde, The Little Mermaid. Ohhh. Yeah. Ohh, I know. (GIGGLES) (GIGGLES) You ever read a newspaper? Newspaper?! Viola, the girl has stars on her nipples. I don't have much time for that. So basically, you have absolutely no idea what's going on in the world? Oh, I - And yet you've sold over five million albums. CDs. To millions of kids who listen to your insipid lyrics. What she doing? "You want to know me, look in my make-up bag." Ah-huh. You're influencing a generation who won't know how to think straight, vote for a president, or remember the significance of Roe versus Wade. Oh! I don't support boxing as a sport. I think it's too violent. Y'all better get that girl out. (GIGGLES) Aaaaaaaarh! (GASPS) Holy crap! Get us off the air! Quick! Go to commercial! Go to commercial! Crazy bitch! Get her off me! Cut! Cut! Put in the Bow Flex tape! Juice Man, something! "Oh, I don't support boxing as a sport." "I think it's too violent. (GIGGLES)" "Aaaaar-!" Oh. I wanted you to take one last look at the old Viola. Oh, thank God I've changed. Yes. Well, just remember the breakdown was only a few months ago so take it nice and slow out there. No stress. Absolutely. In fact I'm going to take a vacation. I've been promising my son we'd go to Africa since he was a little boy. And I finally have the time. That's wonderful. Not to worry. I'm in complete control. < Ruby! Ruby, my dear old friend. Oh, I'm so happy to see you. Oh, good, they still have you medicated. Ruby, I figured it out. Life, I mean. This ought to be good. It's not about how many celebrities I interview or my ratings. It's about relationships and family. Oh! Me and my son. Oh, I just spoke to Kevin. Did you get the tickets? Sure did. Right here. He's going to be so surprised. Yeah, the three of you should have a good time. Three? Yeah. Erm, you, Kevin and his new girlfriend. New girlfriend? Oh, that's... that's a lovely surprise. Is it? Well, I mean, it can't be too serious. I've only been away a few months. (SUNROOF OPENS AND CLOSES) (SUNROOF MOTOR JAMS) Well, that's the end of it. Where do you want me to put this? Oh, under the bed. Not by the door so you can make a quick escape to the apartment you still have for some reason? You agreed to me subletting my apartment. I would have agreed to anything to get you here. Oh, these are great. Are they new? Oh, no! You can't look at those! They're not finished yet. Sorry. Please? Here, I'll put them back. I forgot to tell you, we're having lunch with my mom tomorrow. Oh! It'll be fine. I promise. You want to take a shower? Hmm. Yeah! OK! (LAUGHS) # It's just a ride, it's just a ride # No need to run, no need to hide # It'll take you round and round... Tell me about your dad. He died when I was two. He was her first husband. She was a freelance journalist. Then she married this guy who was a network exec and got her first on-air break, but divorced him for Alec Wrigley. The actor? I thought he was... He was. It lasted about two years till she threw him out for sleeping with her second husband. How many times has she been married? Four. Wow. But, you know, her career was always the main thing. She lived for it. Well, her career and me, of course. And now I'm all she's got. Here we are. Oh, no. (GASPS) Oh, playing dress-up, are we? Shut up. Is that the Dalai Lama? Yeah. Oh, my God! That can't be real. It is. Did you know all these people? Some of them. Kevin! Look at you, all handsome. Ruby! Good to see you. Yeah, you too. Now, forget about my mother. This is who you need to get through. This is Ruby. It's a pleasure to meet you. The pleasure's mine. Excuse us. I've got to talk to him about a rash. You're bringing a girl home to meet your mother now?! Yeah, Ruby, I am. The women is fresh off the funny farm. I mean, why don't you come back, let's say... next spring? Trees will be blooming. Beautiful! She'll love it. How is she? She's good. The first thing she did when she got home was make me lock up all the booze. It's Oprah! Oprah! Yeah, Oprah. There's one in there with the cast from Good Times too. How big is this place? About 4 acres. There's a tennis court, two swimming pools, indoor and outdoor. It's kind of crazy. What, no helicopter pad? Oh, no. There's one out back. I'm kidding. Kevin! I've missed you so much! I promise I'll never leave you again. My God, Mom. You look fantastic. Just something I threw together. Come here. What? I want to introduce you to someone. Charlie. Mom. Charlie, this is Mom. Mom, Charlie. Oh, hi. Oh, I'd love to just be able to think of it and make it. I spent the last 30 years looking for the perfect little black... (BOTH) Cocktail dress. Yes. I know. It doesn't matter. You could wear anything with your figure. You look amazing. Honey, thanks. When you're my age, if ain't broke, you fix it before it is. (JAZZY SWING MUSIC PLAYS) Why the question mark? Oh, cos I just don't know. (BOTH LAUGH) I love your jewellery. I love that! Yes, thank you. I like the earth tones. Fantastic. Where'd you get this? My first husband, Kevin's father, gave it to me when we were in Peru. It's very earthy. Like the dress. (MUSIC CONTINUES) (BOTH LAUGH) It's wonderful that you've tried so many temp jobs. Think of all the experiences you have. (LAUGHS) You've been so quiet, Kevin. It's hard to get a word in edgewise with you two. Oh, is he great or what? To tell the truth, it's a little scary. Enjoy it while you can. Here you go, some more coffee. I was nervous about you two meeting. Really? Why? It's important to me. Mom, you're the most amazing woman I've known. Charlie, I've never met anyone like you. You're real. Honest. (SLURPS) Although we've only known each other a few months, I feel like I've known you forever. I guess what I'm trying to say here... ...is what are you doing for the rest of your life? What? (BOTH) Oh, my God! Charlie, will you marry me? It's... It's too sudden. She's in shock. No! I mean, I am. Yes! But... Seriously? Seriously. No. No! Say "no". Yes. Yes! Yeah! (LAUGHS) Oh, gee... Oh! Ohhh! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Oh, I'm so happy for you. Oh! Congratulations! Oh, my God. I can't believe this. I am so happy for you. Oh! I'm so pleased that you're going to be my daughter-in-law. Congratulations. I can't believe it. I'm so happy for you. Thank you! You're going to need a moment alone. Excuse me, I'll be right back. OK. Oh! Shit! (GRUNTS) < (CRASHING) (BABBLES) No. Ah! 14% alcohol! You are so crazy! Oh, my God! I've been carrying this around, waiting for the perfect moment. I can't believe this turned out to be it. Kevin. Try it on. It is the perfect moment. Maybe you should check on your mom. Oh, she's fine. She's probably calling our relatives. Oh, Holy Spirit, surround me with light. Please rid me of my negative karma and my wickedness. Please help me be a better person. Urgh! I could just kill that dog-walking slut! Of course. She's pregnant. 9 So, goodness. That was a lot to take in at teatime. Oh, you're telling me. I had no idea that you guys were so serious. Kevin, you never mentioned anything. Mom. Here's what I want to say. It's wonderful being in love. But I don't think marriage is the best solution to a thing like this. Nowadays a girl has so many alternatives to getting married. Adoption, abortion, lesbianism. Whoa, Mom! Hmm? What are you talking about? It's so sudden. There's a pressing reason. Oh. Oh, no. Charlie's not pregnant. Call me old-fashioned, marriage is a sacred union that should only be entered into with the utmost care. Weren't you married four times? Yes, dear. Which would make me an expert, don't you think? (PAGER BEEPS) Excuse me. Sorry. It's the hospital. I'll be right back. OK. You want me to go with you? No, stay right there. You know, this is as sudden for me as it is for you. It's too sudden, right? You think? Yeah. Really? It's not like the old days where you had to get married and have kids before you were 21. Exactly. We have options. I've always liked having my options. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. This is so... big. What am I... What am I doing? I love Kevin. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Oh! I'm getting married! (LAUGHS) Ruby! Ruby, I need a bottle of champagne. We're going to celebrate. May I have the key to the liquor cabinet? What key? The key, Ruby. Key? There's no key. Ruby, give me the key. You want to take this outside? Bring me... the key. And fix your hair. You look like a damn cockatoo. (LAUGHS) She is such a fabulous assistant. '(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)' Hey, do you think your mother liked me? Of course. Why? I don't know, because she called me a pregnant lesbian? (LAUGHS) I'm sure she meant that as a compliment. Trust me. She loved you. Oh, they're gone? I'll just put this baby back to bed, OK? My son the brilliant surgeon is gonna marry... a temp. Aaaarh! (SCREECHES) Gonna need something stronger than this. Where's that martini? Hooch will not solve your problems. She's going to destroy him. It is so clear. She's got no money, no career goals. She was just waiting for a rich innocent to step right in her path. Oh, Kevin's smarter than that. You raised him well. He's a good boy. But he's a man. That's the problem. The only time they think straight is when they have an erection pointed at the trampiest woman. You talking about her or you? Look, there's nothing you can do. Just let it go. You know what you need? A project. Or another husband. You know, why don't you marry another gay guy? That was fun. You know, you're right. I do need a project. And I have the perfect one. I am going to save my son. Here. What?! Go use those old contacts of yours to get all the information you can about that little pimp. Exactly what do you expect to find? Everybody's got a past, honey. Find something. I'm going to open up the Montecito house and get a party planner. I'm going to give them an engagement party. And then lock her in the basement? When he sees how out of place she is in his world, it's gonna be over. This will end badly. Get me another one of those. # "Down With You" - Ellie Lawson # Ooh-ohh, I just want to get down with you # Hey # I just want to get close to you # Ooh-ohh, I just need to... Is it me or is each house you take me to bigger than the last? (LAUGHS) I thought your mom said this was a barbecue. Oh, my God. It looks like she's invited everyone I've ever known. (And they're all in black tie.) Oh, there's my mom. Mom! Darlings! How was the trip? Ohhh. Welcome. I'm sorry. I didn't know this was a formal party. I bought you a dress. There's a dress upstairs. Thank you. You look great in anything. Exactly. You always look so clean and shiny. Oh, Kevin, your tuxedo is upstairs in your room. I want you to meet some friends. Come. Prince Amir. Can I change? Ah, Viola! (BOTH SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE) This is Sarah. You know Kevin. Kevin. And this is Charlie. She's a temp. Charlie, this man introduced the Euro to the global market. Mr Prime Minister. Viola. You know my son. This is Charlie. Very good to meet you. So nice to meet you. She's a temp. Yeah. I worked in a bank once. Look! The Poet Laureate. First meet the Secretary of Commerce. Please let me change first. I don't want to meet her in my flip-flops. Of course, of course. Ruby, would you show Charlie to the guest room? Come on, Charlie. Thank you. Wow! Oh my... It's vintage. Oh, Fiona. You look stunning. Thank you. So do you. My goodness. Mwah! Mwah! Kevin just went up to his old room. Why don't you go say hello to him? I'd love to. Good girl. Mmm! Fiona, what are you doing here? I'm dressing. Why don't you let me give you a hand with that? Give it up, Fiona. You know, you and I had a very strong bond once. No, you and I had very strong drinks once. That's not true. Kiss me. I'll remind you how good it was. What are you doing? I'm engaged. I'm happy. It's gonna fit! Why'd she get me such a small dress? (PANTS) I have two asses. (GRUNTS) It'll fit. There we go. OK. OK! OK! (GASPS) What's so special about her? I plan on spending the rest of my life finding out. (CONTINUES TO CHATTER) (Kevin!) God! Men in love are really hot. Fiona! Oops! Erm, I was just giving Kevin a congratulatory kiss. Don't, erm, worry. Why would I worry? He's gay, right? Charlie! Charlie, that was not what it looked like. I'm going home. I've destroyed priceless couture. I embarrassed myself in front of 70% of the world's royalty. Oh! I forgot, yeah! I just caught you making out with your ex-girlfriend. Charlie, let me explain. Ugh! It doesn't matter. Urgh! I can't do this. I don't belong here, Kevin. And if I don't belong here then maybe we don't - Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me. It's you and me now. This isn't my world any more. You're my world. OK? Now let's get the hell out of here. I'm taking you home. OK. Erm,... Let me try and get out of this dress and then... OK, see you downstairs. # "Where Happiness Lives" - Magnet (MERRY CHATTER) # There's a million miles to go # 9 # To where happiness lives # There's a million miles to go # To where happiness lives # Do you like it? Yeah, it's great. I'm so glad you finally decided to do it. I just woke up today and it just felt like home. I'm gonna do all three walls. You know, I think it's time to take a break. Oh, wait! Wait a minute. Whoo-whoo-whoo! I can't let it dry too much. Ai! Oh, God! Are we getting out of bed today, Camille? What for? I could die and nobody would care. I would. You promised me a face-lift. Ohh. Sit down, Ruby. Sit with me, hold my hand. Have you got anything on the girl yet? Nothing. Nada. No criminal record. No debt. Good grades. Design school. Then a string of odd jobs. Isn't that what somebody with a past does? What about drugs? Promiscuity? Had less lovers in her life than you did at closing day of Woodstock. Well, find something. If I had a hair sample, I could take it to my little crime lab. Perfect. I'll get to work on it. Listen to me. There is nothing. Has it occurred to you that maybe she's a good girl? Oh, don't joke. I would like to speak to that woman who got back from the loony bin. Is she around? You are taking me for a spin in the crazy mobile. Ruby, Ruby. Everybody knows that when a woman marries a man, she marries his mother too, right? What if I drive her crazy? OK, now you're foaming at the mouth. Oh! (GIGGLES) (PHONE RINGS) (GROANS) Charlie and Kevin's house. Oh, I forgot you live there. (LAUGHS) I didn't realise that you had already moved in. Kevin, stop. I'm on the phone with your mother! I'm sorry, Viola. Slut's fornicating with him! I don't blame her. That boy's a fine piece of ass. Hold on, Viola. He's... Stop it! Right here. Charlie, I wondered if you'd like to have lunch next week. Really? How would Tuesday work for you? "Yeah, Tuesday's perfect!" Viola, I'm in the middle of something right now. Erm, but Tuesday's fine. Yeah, me too. Lots to do! "OK, bye!" Oh. I'll go and get the vodka. (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) It's good to see you. There she is. Charlotte. Hi. I'm going to have the garden salad and the low-cal Chinese dressing and a decaf iced tea. And you, miss? Oh. I'll just have a cheeseburger with fries, and a soda. Alright. OK. You continue to surprise me. Aren't you worried about fitting in your wedding dress? Well, I'm making the dress to fit my body, not the other way around. Whoa. I wish I had been that confident when I got married. One thing you're gonna have that I never did - a stupendous wedding. And it's important that we book the church right away. I always thought that Kevin looked like Jesus in the cathedral down on 2nd Street. Mmm. Actually, we were thinking of having a non-denominational service, being that I'm more spiritual than religious. Oh. What about my place then? We don't even need to book a location. Kevin was born there, grew up there. It'd mean so much to him. I'll plan it. We'll have that band that the Swansons had at their wedding. A divine cake. Oh, honey! No. No, no! Tsk, tsk, tsk! Chewing, it's a disgusting habit. Oh. Hold still. I've gotta... There! Ow! Got it! Ah. Thanks, erm,... What do you think about peach? Oh, erm, excuse me. Yes? Can I get another salad without the nuts? I have allergies. OK. I'm allergic to nuts, eggs, shellfish and blueberries. Oh,... and soy. It's amazing you've been able to nourish yourself all these years. Ahhh. Oh, yeah! The cake! I'm thinking traditional vanilla with strawberry drizzle. Look, Viola, I really do have all of this under control. I made this for you. Your wedding planner book. Peach. Oh. Is that a picture of me and Kevin? Oh, and present time from your new mama! Thanks. (LAUGHS) Wow! (LAUGHS) It's big! You can see the thorns on the roses. Wear it on your wedding day, like I did. I was a virgin when I wed. But we'll just pretend with you. Now, about the wedding. You will both arrive in a horse and carriage. The driver's top hat will match the horse's saddles and the ribbons on the doves that will be released at the exact moment of "I do", hmm? And I've been in touch with your bridesmaids. How do you know their names? Kevin told me. For the honeymoon, St Bart's is the absolute best place for you to go. Kevin adores it. Hey, hold on! Just wait a minute, OK? No. Thank you, but no. Thank you, but no to everything. No to the horse and buggy. No to the top hats, doves, geese and any other farm animals you're thinking of using. Definitely no to you planning our honeymoon. What? Oh, no. I can... Oh! Ohh. What's wrong? Oh! "Oh, no" what? My pills, my pills! Let me help you. Oh! Viola! Oh, no! Wait, Viola! Oh! Viola! Viola! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God, Viola! Oh, my God! Give her some room. Help! Give her some air. My God, is she dead? No! Get her some help. It couldn't be that easy. She's had an anxiety attack, which can feel like a heart attack. She's gonna be OK. She definitely needs to take it easy. No stress. She said that you were yelling at her, that you refused her gift and said she couldn't plan our wedding. Tell me that's not true. Well,... technically, yes. But, hold on. I didn't yell at her. She just kept pushing and pushing. I admit it. I snapped a bit. What was I supposed to do? She wouldn't take no for an answer. She's had a hard time. So she's a little difficult. A two-year-old is difficult. She's like... She's all alone. I'm all she's got. We're all she's got. Come on. Excuse me. I'm Dr Chamberlain, the resident psychiatrist. Mrs Fields' son? Yes. May we speak in private? This is my fiancee. We can talk. Is she OK? I completed your mother's interview. I'm concerned. It's possible that she's on the verge of a psychotic break. I should probably see her at least twice a week, minimum. I prescribed her anti-anxiety medication. If she feels overwhelmed, they'll relax her. Does she live alone? Yeah. I feel it would be best if she were cared for by relatives. People that are closest to her during this time. Until we're confident she's out of danger. Alright. Thank you, Doctor. Oh, God. I've got that medical conference. What am I gonna do? You know what? Don't worry about it. Erm, I'll take care of her. Thank you. Come on. What? No, come with me. No, the doctor said no stress. Charlie, come on. Kevin. Come on. (WHINES) I am so sorry. No, Mom, don't be. It's OK, really. Charlie? I'm sorry too, Viola. No, I was too pushy. No! You weren't. Look, Viola, I would love it if you would help me with the wedding. It's alright, sweetheart. I don't really think I'm up to it. My nerves are shot. Mom. Mom, Charlie and I think you should live with us for a while, until you feel better. Are you sure? Ohhh! Oh, I can't possibly. I couldn't. Mom, it's OK. Relax. I couldn't possibly. Not unless I know Charlotte's forgiven me. Will you? Me?! Yeah, I forgive you. Yep, you just put those anywhere. Hi! Hi. Are you feeling better? I'm much better, thank you. Great. Sweetheart, I'm thirsty. Is the kitchen over there? Yeah. Great. Hi. Hey. Hey, Charlie. Are you moving in, too? No, I don't like the neighbourhood. Do you have any firearms here? No. You might want to get one. When will you be back? Soon as I can, honey. I promise. Are you sure you're gonna be OK? Yeah! It's only at night, right? She's gonna sleep most of the time with those pills the doctor gave her. Right? I know Mom can be a bit challenging. If you have any problems, call me. I'm on the first flight back, I promise. OK. Well, hurry home. Who knows? By the time I get back, maybe you two will be best friends. Oh, am I interrupting something? No. Come in. The caterer called. He thinks I'm doing the wedding. He sent over a sample. I gave him the colours you wanted. I said no peach. (PHONE RINGS) And from now on, everything goes through my new daughter. Thank you. Yeah? OK, I'll be right down, thanks. Oh, here. Look. It's beautiful, Viola. Thank you. Oh, I'm glad you like it. Thanks. My car's here. Gotta go. Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom. Bye, sweetie. It'll be fun. We're gonna have such a good time. I love you. I'll be a good roommate. I promise. OK. (LAUGHS) Ohh! It's so nice to have a girlfriend. Yeah. < (DRAMATIC SOBBING) (SOBBING CONTINUES) Viola? Are you alright? I can't sleep. (SNIVELS) I feel so alone. I do. You're not alone. I'm here. Did you take your pills? My pills? Oh, no, I forgot. Could you get them for me, sweetie? They're on the sink. (SOBS) Sure. (SOBS) Here they are. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, I don't have any water. Could you get me some water please? OK. Oh, I can't drink out of the tap. Would you get me some Evian with ice? Yeah. (SNIFFLES) (SOBS) Here you go. Oh, thank you. You have a good night, OK? (Charlotte?) I hate to ask you this, but it's my first night here. (Could you stay with me?) (SNIVELS) Please? Sleep with me. Be a good girl. Huh? No! No! No! No! No! Don't! Don't! Argh! Oh, God! Viola! Are you OK? No, let go of me, you...! No. No! Oh! (PANTS) No. (BARKS) Oh! OK. OK. (SNIFFS) (SNIFFS) Hi! How was your day? It was... OK. Wonderful! You're cooking. I wanted to make you dinner all by myself. Sit. OK. It's steak and kidney pie. Actually, the steak didn't defrost in time so it's mostly kidney. Mmm! Do you like it? Mmm-hmm! I made a decision today. I called my lawyer and asked him to redo my will. I want to include my new daughter. Really, Viola, that's not necessary. Don't be silly. I want to. They have all these stupid questions. You know, like, are you currently an illegal alien? Oh, erm, no. Oh, that's interesting. OK. Are there any hereditary illnesses in your family that could be passed on to grandchildren? Erm, no. How many men have you been sexually active with? What?! Why would they want to know that? That many, huh? Would you be willing to sign a prenuptial agreement? (SIGHS) Excuse me? They're nosy bastards. It's none of their business. Deal with this later. Why don't we deal with it now? Argh! (THUMPING) Ow. I'll clean up the kitchen. You enjoy your dinner. No. No, no. You did all the cooking. I'll clean up. Are you sure? Yeah. I am kind of tired. Thanks. Well, I'll just go up to bed then. I had kind of a difficult night last night. (You had a difficult night?) "He's skidding out of control." "(ALL HARMONISE)" "(SQUEALS)" "(LAUGHTER)" "(DOOR CREAKS)" "Is somebody there?" "Tina!" "(THUNDERCLAP)" (DEEP VOICE) "Tina." "Who is that?" "(HOWLING)" Haaarh! (SHRIEKS) "(SCREAMS)" Oh. (CACKLES) Oh! My God. I thought you were sleeping. Well, I couldn't sleep. (SIGHS) Do you like my outfit? The ceremonial robe was given to me by Chairman Mao. These go with the robe. This was a birthday gift from the Dalai Lama. He never forgot my birthday. Now he doesn't care any more. Do you mind if I sit with you? No. Just for a little while. OK. "(SCREAMS)" Why is she running? Well, someone's chasing her. "(CACKLES)" Why is he chasing her? I'm not sure. Well, who is he? Well. I don't... I don't know. We have to watch. You have to stop talking. Mmm. Don't you hate what she's wearing? Running out there with bare feet and what, a pyjama top? It's so unrealistic. I did a whole segment on night-time television. You would not believe how much the demographics influence the networks. It's ridiculous. All they care about is the bottom line. It's so nice to sit with family and do nothing. Don't need to talk. It's wonderful. I missed so much being a working mom. I used to bring Kevin to the set. He met Gore Vidal, Jackie Chan. Is there anybody famous in this movie? They all look the same. The girls have the same body. The boys have the same hair. Beautiful people live in Los Angeles. All the beautiful genes ended up in California. Why is he kissing her? It's beyond me. (CONSTANT BABBLING) (KLAXON SOUNDS) Oh! I'm sorry. I... I thought it was air freshener. (LAUGHS) (RINGS) (PHONE CONTINUES TO RING) (Charlie?) Dr Patel's office. Miss Reynolds? Hi. Yeah. Nope. OK. Bye. 9 Oh, God. I-I'm sorry. You know what? That's probably my fault. I mean, I never thought she'd... She's a little eccentric, you know? "I'm sorry." Oh, it doesn't matter. I don't want to talk about your mom. I want to talk about us. I miss you. I miss you too. Especially now when I'm in the tub... ...naked and wet... and naked. Really? You know what I'd do if I was there? What? "For starters -" Charlie! (GASPS) I'm not looking. "Hello?" Here's your shampoo. (Your mom walked in.) You should use one that doesn't dry your hair. We don't want a bride with straw under her veil. Is that Kevin? Yeah. Your mom wants to talk to you. Sweetie, hi. Hi, Mom. I can't thank you both enough. "Of course." I'm having the most wonderful time. "How's Charlie?" She's been a doll! We've been girlfriends all week. "Great." I'm gonna be sad to go home. You do? You never know what the future will bring. I do love this neighbourhood. Two doors down, there's this house for sale. It's got two big bay windows and a great rose garden. You know how I love rose gardens. And it's got my name all over it. I'm having my... my, erm, real estate guy look into it. She's buying a house here? Two doors away. "Lovely property. Beautiful bay windows." It's bullshit! She doesn't even like this neighbourhood. Oh, God, I'm so exhausted. She's driving me insane! (LAUGHS) I can't do this. Yes, you can! Stop being such a big baby. Kevin is the best thing that ever happened to you. Charlie, do not give up on this one. Mommy Dearest has been keeping a very close eye on you, sweetie. What? Why are you in her clothes? I was upstairs in her room minding my own business. I found all of this in her closet. She's been investigating you. Whoa. Why does she have your high school transcripts? I know. (GASPS) A picture of me at the beach?! Yes, it is. I can't believe that. There's another picture of you here. Look at that. It's like a close-up. You have to be close to take that, right? Ohh! Look at all this Gucci! It's just Gucci, Gucci, Gucci! Skin caviar. This stuff sells for $400 a jar. I've heard of that. I want a try. (SNIFFS) Mmm! Does that smell...? Mmm! Ooh, hello. What are these? Those are her anti-anxiety pills. These are good. Really? They'd knock out a horse. I have these at home. You do? Wait. I don't know what these are. They're definitely not what I take. They smell like oranges. You sure? Yeah. Let me see. (SNIFFS) Hi, Andy. It's Charlie. No, I'm not working for Dr Patel's office this week. I had a question. Yeah, about some pills. Can I stop by? < Charlie, I'm having a bit of a bad day. < Ruby's gonna take me to see Dr Chamberlain. OK! You take care! Let's see what you're up to. There you go. Thank you so much. And thank you. Wear that, sister. OK, Cartier is one right down. Where's Niketown? What?! Niketown. Niketown? Bad day, my ass. Wait a minute. Dr Chamberlain? Alright. (CELLPHONE RINGS) Oh! Hello? Hey, Andy. Yeah. What are they? Chewable vitamin Cs, huh? OK, thanks. (ALL LAUGH) I know. I can't believe the wedding's a week away. We do the final walk-through on Monday. Oh! Wait. I think I hear her car. Drop my stuff at my house, OK? Alright. Look crazy. (GROWLS) (GASPS) Oh! Charlie! (SQUEALS) Cha-Ch-Cha... (BARKS VICIOUSLY) Cha-Cha-Charlie! Oh, I had to bring him home with me today. He's harmless. Ah. Sit. No. No! No. No, Zorro! Sit! Oh! (GRUMBLES) Argh. Is that expensive? (WHINES) It was. (GROWLS) Sorry! (GASPS) Oh! (CRASHING) Oh! (WHINES) Charlie! > Bonus. Good boy. Come on. Come on. Mmm. Hello, old friend. Viola! You can't mix alcohol with your pills! I'm a little upset as you can imagine. Well, I know that and I'm sorry, but your doctor said if you're feeling upset that you should take your pills, not alcohol. So you relax. I'll get them. Ohh. Shit. Here we go. This will make you feel better. Drink up. Now I hope you like what I made. It's one of my mother's specialties. What's that? Tripe. It's a delicacy. Try it. (ECHOES) It's like nothing you've ever tasted. Trust me. Kevin called. He's coming home tomorrow. I can't wait. I'm so excited. I miss him so much. Maybe the three of us could go to lunch tomorrow. What do you think? I think it's a great idea too. I'll make reservations. It'll be so much fun. Don't you just love being girlfriends? (SNORES) (Night-night, sleep tight.) (SNORES) And good morning to you too. Ruby, is that you? In here! Oh, my God. Is she alright? I thought she went to bed. I don't know. I haven't seen her like this since The View won an Emmy. I wish I could stay and help but I have to pick up Kevin at the airport. (CONTINUES TO SNORE) What? I underestimated you. You don't need a gun. I don't know what you're talking about. Mmm-hmm. Last call! Oh. See you tomorrow night. There's a reservation under Fields. Kevin. Yes, right this way. I'm so glad my mom and you had a great week. We did. I learned a lot about her. So, who's the mystery guest? Oh, surprise! I thought your office said we were having lunch alone. Forgive me. I wanted to talk to you and Kevin together. So, how are you, Mom? Fine. Fine. Although I did have a rather difficult night. Ooh, it was probably that martini you had. You're not meant to drink alcohol with the pills you're taking. You know, the truth is... I owe you an apology. I was so insensitive to your feelings about helping with the wedding. It's history. A bride doesn't want to hear the views of an old widow. No, no. That is not true. You're going to be my mom soon. And a grandma shortly after, hopefully. (LAUGHS) And I want you to know that I will do anything it takes to make this relationship work. That said, will you be my maid,... I mean, my matron of honour? Charlie, that's... that's amazing. But, erm,... Mom, what do you say? Morgan will be your maid of honour. No. She has graciously relinquished her title to you. And I had this specially made up. A dress in your favourite colour. Peach. Come on, open it. Well, that's... Char... Oh. I-I don't think I can. It's a great idea. I don't think I'm up to it. I have to talk to my doctor. I called him. Yeah! He thinks it's a great idea. You called my psychiatrist? Mmm-hmm. In fact we had lunch at The Ivy. Anyway, he said, considering this turning point in your life, losing so much so suddenly, that being involved in the future would be the best therapy for you right now. Careful. You know those are strong. You know, we... are your future. Oh. We want you to be part of it. (SOBS) I can have a list of duties for you tomorrow. (SOBS) No. Mom? Mom. Mom? Mom, don't cry. (DRAMATIC SOBS) Here. Ohhh! (SNIFFLES) Charlie? (SOBS) I didn't think I would be this emotional. Let me... Oh! Thanks. Thank you, baby. I love you. I love you too. I love you too! I love you too, Mom. (SOBS) Kevin, why don't you give your mom and I a moment alone? Yes, of course. The crying bits are getting old. Kevin likes his girls thin. I could get liposuction. Is it painful? That maid of honour bit. Priceless! Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Oh! (Now you listen to me.) This is my game now. Tell Kevin you're not moving near to us, and that you feel it's time that you go on with your own life! You're moving out of our house immediately. This is over! (LAUGHS) This isn't over. Not even close, girlie! Well, bring it on, Grandma. That little bitch! Let's go someplace near the ocean and drink lunch. (GROANS) What? You know exactly what. Move! Move. Move! What's wrong with you? I am sick. I am sick, sick, sick of your shit. And I when I'm not sick, I'm tired. I am sick and tired. What are you saying? Damn you and your luggage! Ruby, you're not going to leave me too, are you? Oh, I'm not leaving you. You old slut! Ruby! Ruby, please... Hey, you almost forgot your dress! You'll have nothing to wear to the wedding. (GROANS) See you, Ruby! We can get you a matching bonnet. See you at the rehearsal dinner! (GASPS) Motherf...! (JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS) How's the bride-to-be holding up? Under the circumstances, mediocre. She's tough. Not as tough as the old bird. What's that mean? For your safety, make sure you know where the emergency exits are at all times. Hey, are you and my mom OK? Great. Just the pre-wedding nerves, but everything's under control. Hello, everyone! Welcome to the rehearsal dinner. (APPLAUSE) My God, she looks amazing. I know. Oh! Father Tyson. Hello, Blaire. Hello. Kit, how are you? Hello. Ohhh. You are Morgan. Yes. I've heard so much about your delicious catering service. Oh, wow! I have a lot of friends. You're going to be busy. And you're Remy. Yeah. I recognise you from all the wonderful things Charlie's told me. Wow. Ms Fields, I have to say... Oh, call me Viola. I insist. Viola. Alright, I'm gonna go get a drink. OK. I'm such a huge fan. Oh, you... Oh, my...! Well, mi casa su casa. Make yourself at home. Oh! Thank you. Yes. Bye, Viola. Goodbye. I like her a lot. Hi. Hi. Hey! You guys have a nice little chit-chat? She came started talking to us. Did you want us to ignore her? Yes! So getting her autograph would be out of the question? (GUFFAWS) Was that a yes? No. Cos... OK. There I was sitting next to the Sultan of Brunei with Maureen Dowd, Carrie Fisher and Snoop Dogg. You know the story, Kevin. I said, "Snoop, your lyrics can be sexist and unfair to women." The Sultan of Brunei said, "Really? I have 114 wives and they're all huge fans of the Dogg!" (ALL LAUGH) (DOORBELL SOUNDS) Honey, would you see who's at the door? Sure. These are delicious, Viola. Oh, Kit, I'm glad you like it. Yeah. Look who's here. Dr Chamberlain. Oh, my God! It's Dr Chamberlain! Hi! Everybody, it's Dr Chamberlain! Hi. Thanks for inviting me. Oh, shit! That's Dr Chamberlain. He's Viola's doctor. We need another place setting. Oh, please, let me get that. There's a chair in that room. Sure. Scootch down, guys. Make room. You guys move down. Cheers. Thank you. (Who's he?) (Viola's therapist.) Move down, guys! Here's you chair, Doctor. Here. Have mine, too. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. (DOORBELL SOUNDS) I'll get it. You just got here? You expecting anyone else? Mmm-mmm. Hello, everybody! Fiona! I'm so glad to see you. I couldn't resist bringing the happy couple a little gift. (LAUGHS) That's great. I will get you a place setting. Bringing a gift? She is the gift. What the hell is she doing here? How about some more wine, everyone? (ALL) Yeah! How much longer do we have to stay? (I have midterms tomorrow.) Shh. Oh, I get it. No, baby, not now, OK? It's not the time. Doctor, tell us about med school. Where did you do your residency? That's a long story. I don't think your guests want to hear that. No, we want to know. I think we need some more gravy. What is going on? What are you doing? I'm behaving. Viola, no! You can't! Charlie's allergic to nuts! Give it to me! Ohhhh! < (CRASHING) Viola, you're crazy. (GASPS) Ohhhh! Oh, get up. Put the gravy down or I'm telling Kevin. Yeah! What's the big deal? So her face swells up a little. So, what? Swells up a little?! Her face'll blow up like a Macy's Day balloon. Good. It'll match the other body parts! Think about what you're doing. The girl's getting married tomorrow! Ruby, when did you lose your edge? Right after you lost your mind. Come on. Alright. OK. No nuts. Come on. Viola, you dislocated my vagina. Where's the...? Where's the, what? Gravy? Anyone for more gravy? Oh, I am not doing time for you! Where's the back door? Stay cool! Don't lose your nerve. If we get arrested, I'll sing like a canary. Maybe she won't take any. That's a lot of gravy. Mmm. < This gravy's delicious! (BOTH GASP) You gotta stop her! Go on, stop her. You go. You go. You go. Why me? You're the culprit! You go! You're my assistant. What am I supposed to do? Go and stick my finger down her throat? Yeah. Baby, are you OK? < Kevin, my tongue feels weird. I think something's wrong! < Charlie, are you OK? What do we do? Hide the damn nuts! (GAGS) You alright? Get her some water. (COUGHS) Flat or sparkling? The caterer doesn't know how this happened. Well, I feel like I ate a loaf of nuts. I mean, even my tongue is swollen. You're marrying a big, fat, puffy tomato mouth. It's not that bad, really. Besides, the swelling's already going down. Yeah? Hey, Kev. Yes. Checking up on the bride-to-be. For the love of God! Out! See? I told you it looks terrible. I told you. Baby, I promise you. In 24 hours the swelling will be completely gone. Give me that! Oh! (KNOCK AT DOOR) The door was op- Oh, thank God! The Bride of Frankenstein is gone. I know. I was up half the night worrying. You look great. Don't know how the nuts got in there. Yeah. Hmm. Wait. Hey, do you think she...? (BOTH) No! Come on. I mean, she's crazy, but she's not like, psycho-killer crazy. Hmm. (BOTH) No! Oh, hey, I was wondering. Could I bring a date to your wedding? Of course. My God. How exciting. Great. Thanks. I'll see you later. But... wait! Who is he? Tell me! Oh, it's... OK, don't be mad. It's Dr Chamberlain. Actually Paul. That his real name? That's very funny. Gotta get a mani, pedi and eyebrows waxed. See you in a couple hours. (DOORBELL SOUNDS) I'll go down with you. OK. Oh, God. (LAUGHS) She added even more ruffles! Where's your prom date, senorita? (GIGGLES) Oh, wait a minute. This is too damn good. Where's my camera? This is just too good. Will you just get me out of this right now? 9 (GENERAL CHATTER) Cheers. Hey. Thanks for coming. OK, guys, let's go see how Charlie's doing. Ah, yes, please. Ah-huh. Oh, my God. Those are so much better than mine. Don't... touch me! I got out of that car the same way I got in it. Without you. Now, where is she? (GIGGLES) You here with the bride or the groom? I'm here with my mother. Oh. (SPEAKS ANGRILY IN ASIAN LANGUAGE) She looked a lot older. (ALL GIGGLE) Well, look what we have here. Oh, my God. You look beautiful. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is it! Yeah! Oh, God, did you talk to the priest? I talked to him. He's going to skip that whole "if anyone should object" part. OK. You're a vision in white, sweetie, really. Knock knock. Oh! Look at you! And so is your mother-in-law. Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm. Alright. Everybody out. Out. Give the bride a moment. (No way.) What? What is that? What? Where's your bridesmaid's dress? I gave it to Ruby's daughter. She works at Hooters. She was thrilled. I don't have a daughter! Oh. Rude. Take off that white dress right now or I'll take it off for you. Don't you tell me what to do! You did not just poke me! Don't touch me, you two-bit tramp! Oh! Oh, my God! Viola, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to - Oh! You don't slap somebody and then apologise. Get some backbone! Oh! God! This is crazy! Face it! I'm marrying Kevin. There is nothing you can do. You face it! You'll never be good enough for him! Didn't stop you from marrying my son. Oh, God, no. Well, look at you. All in white. You are so predictable. Oh, Gertrude. I didn't know you were coming. You didn't? I wonder why. Oh, I know. You didn't send me an invitation! I thought you were dead. Evil doesn't die easily. I heard you got sacked and thrown into a loony bin. Oh! My congratulations. Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! These hors d'oeuvres taste like old socks. Oh! Now, I want to get an up-close look at the bride. Holy Toledo! You are... a stunner! My grandson is a lucky fella. Look, what he did. He went out and found himself an exotic Latina! If only my son had been that lucky. Here we go again. What? You were a television weatherwoman in Dubuque, Montana. You drove a broken-down minivan and you drank red wine from a box! Urgh! Classy(!) You killed him, you know? What?! You killed him. All the doctors agreed. He died of terminal disappointment! If anybody killed him, you did. You smothered him to death! Nobody was ever good enough for him! My God, you look old! Fine. (This woman is going to drive me insane.) Now, I'd rather not take all the credit. You'll get over it. OK, I love you. You're kidding. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) > This is never gonna end, is it? I mean, that's going to be me and you in 30 years. We'll be doing the exact same thing. You know what? I wanted to marry Kevin because we make each other happy. You're never gonna let that happen. Are you? Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm saying this. You win, Viola. Well, what do you mean? The wedding's off. Bye, Ruby. I-I cannot believe she compared me to Gertrude. I know. Now that's just wrong. Thank you. You are far worse. I don't recall Gertrude ever trying to poison you. She wore black to your wedding. Black. Yeah, she said she was in mourning. Mmm-hmm. I just want my son to be happy. Whatever made you think he wasn't? Hey, what are you doing here? It's bad luck to see the... Charlie, what's wrong? What is it? Are you nervous? Hey. Kevin, I need - Charlie. I need to talk to you. Viola, stop it! It's the flower girls. They're drunk again. What? Yeah, in the toilet. Not now, Viola, OK? I-It's really important. Just give us a minute. She'll be right there. Please? Charlie, what is it? I'll be right back. What do you want, Viola? I don't want you to walk out on this wedding. You don't? No, I don't. Am I meant to believe that you've had some epiphany and everything's gonna be different? It's never been about you, Charlie. It's me. I've been so afraid of losing him. > He's the only family I've got. This is my chance for a family, too. And I'm scared. Ohhhh! Don't blow your chance at happiness. You've never needed my approval. He's loved you from the very beginning. I promise I will get out of the way and let the two of you be happy. That's not what I want. There has to be some boundaries, Viola. I can do boundaries! I don't love boundaries but I can do them. How about the number of times you call Kevin every day? Can you limit that to, like, one? Oh, I need at least four minimum. He's 35 years old. Three? Two. Deal. Hah! Two long-ass calls! When Kevin and I have kids, he and I will decide how they're raised. Alright. But I have raised one wonderful boy. My advice could be - Will be solicited when needed. Alright. As long as one kid is named after me. Middle name. Deal. What else? Holidays and special occasions. Are you gonna keep me away? You must be present for every Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, school play, clarinet recital and soccer game in our kids' lives. I want you to love them, spoil them, teach them things that Kevin and I can't. Like how to throw a right hook. I want you there, Viola. I do, up front and centre. On this point, I will not negotiate. Damn! That girl can give a nice little speech. Deal? Oh. Can they call me "Aunt Viola" instead of "Grandma"? Fine. Come on, unzip me. Viola, you don't have to wear that dress, really. Yes, I do. Really. (CHEERING / APPLAUSE) Yeah! Whooh! Mom! Did you really think I'd leave without saying goodbye? I love you, Mom. Thanks for everything. Go. Everybody, gather around the back! Charlie! Charlie, right here! Right here, Charlie! (ALL SHOUT) Charlie! Here! (ALL CHEER / APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Sheesh. Oh, Hawaii! I cannot wait! I know. Me neither. Have a great time in Hawaii! Good luck! Just you and me now, Ruby. Jesus! Who did I kill in a past life? And take off that damn dress. You look like a giant peach cobbler. You're making me hungry. Come on, weathergirl. I'll buy you a box of wine. (LAUGHS) (MIMICS) # For once in my life # I have someone who needs me # Someone I needed so long
Subjects
  • Feature films--United States
  • Mothers and sons--Drama
  • Mothers-in-law--Drama