1 BELL RINGS (PLAYS BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (SCREAMS) ANNOUNCER: Is this the kind of air we want to leave for our children? CHILDREN COUGH Don't they deserve better? Electricity: the fuel of the future. Test-drive the Elec-Taurus today and get a free gift. My children deserve to see me get a free gift. I'm proud of you, Dad. Buying an electric car will help clean the air up and protect the earth's supply... You're faking this to get the gift, aren't you? But I like the nice things you said about me. Thinking of saying good-bye to gas? You betcha. (BURPS) Bart! (FARTS) Well, that shut me up. Hello. I, uh, love your planet deeply and am interested in purchasing one of your electronic autos. (SNICKERS) Well, it's always nice to meet people concerned about the environment. What kind of mint? Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier. Yeah, it's got a lot of other problems, too. Ah, Dad, you're headed for the harbour! HOMER: Relax. We're in an electric car. (SCREAMS) See, everything's fine. (GASPS) Dolphins! Oopsie. Hi, girls. Oh. Saltwater seems to be good for it. Um, I'm sorry. The car does not meet my eco-concerns. Can I have my prize now? Certainly. What the...? CAR COMPUTER: Help! Help! It burns! Hey, we never opened that envelope to see what our gift is. We didn't? That's odd-- seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place. I know, but we didn't. Well, here it is so we can open it and find out now. Perfect. Aw, movie tickets? It hardly seems worth destroying a car. They're passes to a test screening of a new movie starring (GASPS) Mel Gibson. Who else is in it? Who else is in it? Who cares? Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge. No different than me or Lenny. Were you or Lenny ever named sexiest man alive? Well, I'm not certain about Lenny. Besides, it's not just his chiselled good looks. People magazine says he's a devoted father goes to church every week and likes to fix things around the... Homer, let's make love. Uh, OK. (SMOOCHES) Uh, you're thinking about me, right? Of course, Homie. Aren't you thinking about me? I will now! Easy, easy, there, buster. But how did they know? I had a mouse. Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) Good evening. I'm Edward Christian assistant VP of finance and distribution at Polystar Pictures. APPLAUSE AND CHEERS Dang, I should have brought the camera. Also with me tonight are the dynamic duo-- William Milo and Robyn Hannah who green-lighted all of Shaquille O'Neal's movies including Shazam! CROWD MURMURS How's the popcorn, guys? Needs salt! Needs salt! Anyhoo, welcome to our test screening of Mel Gibson's directorial follow-up to Braveheart-- a remake of the Jimmy Stewart classic Mr Smith goes to Washington. I knew I shouldn't have passed on that. Now, after the film I'll be handing out these cards for your opinion. We then take your cards to Hollywood, California... AUDIENCE: Ooh... ...and change the movie based on your suggestions. Any, uh, questions? Yes. Over here. Uh-hi. Will there be any flubber in this movie? Uh-hi. Glayvin. No, I'm afraid not. Ah, for cryin' out, Glayvin! Is Mel Gibson here? No, sorry, but like all celebrities he's in Hollywood attending benefits for various diseases. Did they like it? Well, they haven't seen it yet, Mel. How'd you get here from LA so fast? John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited till we were in the air to ask me. You really didn't have to make this trip, Mel. The screening will go fine. I don't know. I think this movie was a big mistake. All I do is talk for two hours. I don't shoot anybody. What was I thinking? Don't worry about the movie. William and I both think it's fabulous. And I think we know a little something about the movie business. Oh, Robyn. You've got to see the director's cut of Booty Call--it's fabulous. What, even better than the original? 'Cause that was pretty fabulous, too. ...and he fought for them once For the only reason any man ever does-- because of one plain, simple rule: love thy neighbour. Bor-ring. It's not boring. He's passionate about government. Pft. At least the Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings and Loan. Shh! AUDIENCE MURMURS Excellent. That man knows how to filibuster. Well, that was a stinker. I liked it. It was nice to see a movie where people solve their problems with words instead of bullets and chasing. Oh, you're just saying that because your 'boyfriend' was in it. I'll bet you would have hated if me and Lenny were Mr Smith. Will you stop acting so jealous! Listen, I don't want to get spotted by the crowd so I'm going to take a leak behind the dumpster. ALARM RINGS ALL GASP Look! It's Mel Gibson. Everybody rush over there. Hi, everybody. ALL GASP Hi, Mr Gibson. Thanks for coming, folks and don't be afraid to be completely truthful when you fill out your opinion cards. Honesty is the foundation of the movie business. Oh, we'll be honest. We could never lie to YOU, Mel. (CHUCKLES COYLY) Um, will you be reading the cards yourself, Mel? Well, I'll be reading yours personally. (GROWLS SEXILY) (PANTS) CROWD: Ooh. That's it. I'm telling Mr Stupidest Man Alive what I really thought of his movie. Hey, Gibson! Yes, sir. Got a pencil? There you go. Thanks. (MUTTERS) 'Preciate it. (MUTTERS) The movie tested through the roof, Mel. The sea captain gave it four Rs. Bumblebee man says, 'muy bueno' and we were worried about the Latino market, huh? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Worried. Huh? Come on, they can't ALL have loved it. 'Loved it.' 'Loved it.' 'Loved it.' 'Loved it despite absence of flubber, Glayvin'? Oh, here we go. 'Your movie was more boring than church. 'All you did was yak, yak, yak. 'You didn't even shoot anybody.' Damn, I knew it! Oh, don't do this to yourself, Mel. The guy's obviously a nut. Maybe. Or maybe he's the only person with the guts to tell me the truth. Turn the plane around. I want to go to 742 Evergreen Terrace. But you promised to help me move. Aw, Geez! 1 LOUD RUMBLING DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL RINGS Door, Marge. (GROWLS) (GASPS) I'm looking for... Homer Simpson. And I've been looking for you, too, pal. Pound him, Dad. Bart, don't. Quiet. Dad's going to get his butt kicked by Mel Gibson. Knock his teeth out, Homer! Listen, Gibson, I'm tired of Hollywood pretty boys like you and Jack Valenti thinking you can have any woman you want. You see this? It symbolises that she's my property and I own her. Mr Simpson, I need your help. Yeah? I think you're right about my movie, and I want you to help me make it better. Really? You want MY help? Marge, did you hear that? Mel Gibson wants my help. Mel Gibson. But I thought you hated... Shut up. Homer doesn't know anything about making movies. Don't sell your husband short, Mrs Simpson. She's always doing that, Mel. Homer is a brutally honest man-- completely tactless and insensitive. Guilty as charged. The problem I have is people love me so much, they never criticise me. I speed all the time, but cops never give me a ticket. If I don't pay my taxes, the IRS pays them for me. Oh, you poor thing. It's hell being Mel. HORN HONKS Come on. Geez. I don't have much time, Homer. Will you come to Hollywood with me? You had me at 'hello.' I didn't say 'hello.' MARGE: Hollywood, here we come! MARGE: Hollywood, here we are! LISA: Stop doing that, Mom. HOMER: A mini-van. Oh, boy, you celebrities sure know how to live. What is this, Toyota Previa? Dodge Caravan. (WHISTLES) Sweet. Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey, Jr is shooting it out with the police. I don't see any cameras. OK, while Mel and I are working why don't you guys do the town? I hear all the stars eat at a place called Planet Hollywood. Can I stay with you, Dad? Sorry, son, but we're going to be very busy. Mel's movie really stinks. OK, this opening scene should be in fast motion. Everybody likes that 'cause it looks funny. (LAUGHS) I don't think so. OK, here you need a musical montage where you try on lots of funny hats. It'll let us see your playful side. Yeah, but... No. No. Uh, for those of you who have always wanted to see the famous Brown Derby restaurant... there's where it used to be. Oh. And on your left is the notorious spot where Hugh Grant... Hugh? Filmed the movie Nine Months. Eww! You want me to replace the villain with a dog? I mean, nobody will know what's going on. They will if you set up that the dog is evil. All you have to do is show him doing this. (HUMS SINISTER TUNE) And people will suspect the dog. Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer. I'm sorry I dragged you out here. Let me pay your bus fare home. Uh-uh-uh, now, here's your biggest problem of all. The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favourite. And it was fine for the 1930s. The country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now in whatever year this is, the audience wants action and seats with beverage holders but mainly action. Really think the end is boring? Oh, Mel, it's the most boring piece of garbage I've ever seen, and it's not easy for me to say that. Hmm, yeah, I guess it's a little flat. OK, let's reshoot the ending. I'll call the hair and makeup ladies. You see if the teamsters will work for free. Piece of cake. Now, where's that kid with my latte? According to the map, this house is owned by the dog from Frasier. And that's where Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche live. BOTH: We're lesbians! OK, uh, this new ending... That we shot last night. ...is a little different than what we had but I think you'll like it. It's missing some sound effects, and the computer guys haven't added the twinkle in my eye... Mel, you're coming off desperate. Roll it, Louie! Well... I'm not licked. I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Somebody will listen to me. Somebody will... SURPRISED MURMURS I believe the senator has yielded the floor. ALL LAUGH Yield this, Senator Payne. I move we impose some serious term limits. I second that motion... with a vengeance. All in favour, say 'Die.' (IMITATES CURLY) Mr Smith, this is highly unorthodox. Pretty cool, huh? You impaled a United States senator with the American flag. Bet she didn't see that coming. Why did Mr Smith kill everybody? It was symbolism. He was mad. But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice. Eww, those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. PS: Mission accomplished. But we've already bought five Golden Globe awards. I don't make movies to win awards especially now that I have two Oscars. I make movies for guys like him. Yeah, guys like me. Who are you anyway? Do the words 'executive producer' mean anything to you? Executive producer? We'll talk. You've desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather III. Whoa, hey, whoa, let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right, I'm sorry, but this film is never going to see the light of day. Look. They're towing away a Range Rover. (GASPS) There's no` ! There's no` ! Yoink! Come on, Homer. We got a movie to premiere. We've got to get that film back or we'll all be fired. You know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Fired. BOTH LAUGH I am the master of the way. I am the master of the way. ALL CHATTER, LAUGH Hey! Over here, mate. (LAUGHS) Hey! Over here, mate. (LAUGHS) Thank you so much. See ya! Hey, thanks for driving tonight. Hey, thanks for driving tonight. You owe me. Hey, thanks for driving tonight. You owe me. (LAUGHS) Fair enough. Kate was giving me the eye as well. What?! What?! She was. No. No. BOTH LAUGH What's that? What's that? Oh crap. Don't worry about it. You're well under. Don't worry about it. You're well under. Yeah, but it's a lower limit now. Good evening. Any alcohol tonight? Good evening. Any alcohol tonight? Uh, just a couple... with dinner. Good evening. Any alcohol tonight? Uh, just a couple... with dinner. Yeah. She's fine, eh. Stop. That's over 250 micrograms. I now require you to accompany me to the booze bus... Oh stink. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say... It's a failed result, ma'am. ...may be given in evidence in court. You could ring a taxi and pick your car up in the morning. Let's call your mum and dad. They're, like, 10 minutes away. Let's call your mum and dad. They're, like, 10 minutes away. We're not calling my parents. CHILDREN ARGUE CHILDREN ARGUE Please. Behave yourselves. No. In the car. INDISTINCT RT CHATTER 1 Give us the film! Never. And on your left you'll see Ranier Wolfcastle filming his latest movie, Saving Irene Ryan. You put me down, you big lummox! Jed! Shut up, old lady, and stop kicking me there. Watch out! Coming through! Mach schnell! Homer! Land mine! I'm on it. Whoa! Good night, Mr Gibson. Good night, Gus. Aw, crap, here they come. Well, that's it, Homer. We should have known better than to match wits with studio executives. Hey, come on, turn that down-under frown upside down. We're not finished yet. Wow, these dummies look pretty good. Well, I've had a lot of surgery, old chum. Shh. Mr Limato said he'd fire us if you didn't stop bothering the customers. Homer, what are you doing here? No time talk. Need steal car. Must save powerful but controversial movie. (STAMMERS) Hello. Quick, Mel, get in. Forget it, Homer. Let's just give them the stupid movie. Movies aren't stupid. They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny. That really wasn't my intention. Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet but now I check every time. It's true. He does. Movies mean that much to you, Homer? They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family. No offence. Oh, what the heck. Let's hit the road. Shove over, junior. That thoughtless destruction will surely bankrupt the museum, old chum. Shut up. Mom, you got to take my picture in this car so I can show Milhouse. Sorry, honey. I used up the last roll on that man I thought was Judge Judy. Well, I think we lost them. BANG! Oh, wait. There they are. Let me try something. Take the wheel, Lisa. But my dad can... I said you. We've got them now. (SCREAMS) Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson! You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right? Wait a minute. He's just a dummy. I know, but he sells tickets. Let's go. Oh, great idea, Mel. Now it's my turn. What are you doing? I'm tired of running away. Did Braveheart run away? Did payback run away? It's time we showed those suits what we're made of. Will you please tell me the rest of the plan? It's YOUR plan from Braveheart Your army mooned the enemy until they could take no more and surrendered. No. They didn't-- they attacked us in a horribly bloody battle. Remember? I didn't see it, but on the poster... (YELLS) Homer, are you OK? I think so. No. Mr Smith: All in favour, say, 'Die.' AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE Ooh, that digital sound really lets you hear the blood splatter. I don't get it, Mel. How can you be so calm and cool? My stomach's full of vomiting butterflies. OK, that's it. Let's get ready to meet our public. Well, that was disgusting. Worst ending ever. I think I'm going to be sick. I'm Jimmy Stewart's granddaughter and you'll be hearing from my attorney. D-ohh. Ow. Oh, we should have put in the dog with the shifty eyes. Oh! I'm sorry I ruined your career, Mel. It's not your fault, Homer. I guess there's just no room in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us. How did the country lose its way, Mel? When did we stop rooting for the man with the flame thrower or an acid-spraying gun of some kind? I blame the Internet and the return of swing music. Well, whatever it is, we got get rolling on our next picture. Hey, what about a prequel to something? Everybody loves prequels. I don't. (GROANS) OK, Mr Difficult. How about a teen sex romp where you and your buddies are always trying to get some? No, wait. A ghost who wins the lottery! You could be the ghost or the lottery commissioner. Ooh! What about Indiana Jones? Does anyone own the rights to that? Ohh! Hey, Mel, I fell out! (DOG HOWLS) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016