1 BELL RINGS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (SCREAMS) (GROWLS) (GASPS) Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Springfield Shopper newspaper. Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind to remove all traces of asbestos and the word 'evolution' from our school. Next stop, Margaritaville. Oh, they're still here. I'd like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy so no one gets lost. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Uter since the last field trip. STAMMERS: Uter. I don't remember any Uter. Silly name, Uter. Dad, it's great that you volunteered to drive but how did you get out of work? Don't worry, sweetie. Daddy's got it covered. HOMER ON TAPE: # I work hard for the money, # so hard for the money. # Oh, I something, something money. # Come on, give me lots of honey. # Now, there's an employee, Smithers. A smile on his lips and a song in his heart. Promote him. GARBLED VOICE SINGS Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy with my little eye something beginning with D. Dingus. Whap! (GROANS) God bless you, Nelson Muntz. I'm no hero. I just like to hit people in the head. (HONKS HORN) Hey, you <BLEEP>, you cut me off! Ah, yeah, <BLEEP> you! Dad, that's an ambulance. Oh, right. (HONKS HORN) <BLEEP> ambulance! Think you're so big with your <BLEEP> <BLEEP> siren and your letters on backwards. Here we are, kids. The zoo. Well, that's great, Dad, except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper. (HOMER) ECHOES: D-ohh!! Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14-year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers. If he's so smart, how come he's dead? Over the years, the Shopper merged with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe Herald, Jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly to become Springfield's number one newspaper. Wow, a bustling metropolitan newsroom funnelling scoops from all over the globe. Hi, are you interested in a subscription to the Shopper? Low introductory rates. Please, you got to help old Gil. What's it going to take to keep you on the phone? Dance for you? But you wouldn't even see it. All right, I'm dancing. # Da, da, da, da-dee. # And this is our comic strip department. Who here reads Mary Worth? Let's move on. This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of daily sleep. My advice is to free us or let us die. Check it out, Dad. You can print out the headline from the day you were born. You can print out the headline from the day you were born. Ooh, pointless nostalgia. I'd sure hate to be him. Ugh! And to protect mother earth each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. And what percent is that? Zero. Zero's a percent. SAW BUZZES Hey, I smell cake ` a cake that says... (SNIFFS) 'Farewell and... best wishes.' Your old man has an awesome nose. Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding. So, Mimi, this little shindig is our way of saying farewell to our favourite food critic. What can I say except thanks for the predictable champagne, pizza that's hardly numero uno and ice cream cake which reminds us why make 31 flavours when you can't get vanilla right? I wouldn't want to be married to her... I mean, again. Who are you and why are you ruining my retirement party? I'll have you know I wandered off from the tour. Well, at least YOU like the food. Oh, I like food, all right. # I like pizza, I like bagels # I like hot dogs with mustard and beer. # I get the picture. # I'll eat eggplant # I could even eat a baby deer. # La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Who's that baby deer on the lawn there? # Enough already! Sorry. Hey, listen. I just had a thought. We're looking for a new food critic ` someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats. No, it usually takes a few hours. Look, I'd like to give you a try-out. Write a 500-word sample review. If it passes muster, we'll put you on staff. Thanks for the chance. You won't never regret this, Mr Editing Guy. You know, Homie, the E doesn't work on that typewriter. We don't need no stinkin' E. Restaurant Review? No. Eatery Evaluation? No. Food Box: Go Or No Go by Homer... No. Earl... No. Bill Simpson. (LAUGHS DERISIVELY) Well, what do you think? This is a joke, right? This is the stupidest thing I've ever read. What's wrong with it? You keep using words like 'pasghetti' and 'mamatoes.' You make numerous threatening references to the UN, and at the end you repeat the words 'Screw Flanders' over and over again. Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words. Ah, look, Homer, I'm sorry. No, no, you're right, it was a joke. (STAMMERS AND LAUGHS) Everyone laugh at the funny joke. Ha ha! I'll be right back with the REAL review. Still not clean. Stink of failure still on me. KNOCK AT DOOR LISA: Dad, I'm sorry the editor didn't like your review. I'll help you write a new review if you just let me use the bathroom. Still not clean. Still not clean. OK, what restaurant should we review? Well, we went to Pate Labelle last week. How about that? Great. Now, let me think. The food was... not un-delicious. The food is delicious. (GASPS) That's brilliant. And they had this sweet, sweet chocolate mousse. Really, the only word for it is... (MOANS) Hmm, what's the English equivalent for... (MOANS) I'd say... transcendent. How about, groin-grabbingly transcendent? Uh, I don't think so. We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team. 497... 498 words. How about 'Screw Flanders'? Bon appetite. Aw, they're both good. Not bad. Not bad at all. We're going to run this on page one... of section H-2. Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses! ALARM BLARES OK, start the presses. That takes four hours. Whatever. I'll be at Moe's. This is so exciting, Homie ` your first restaurant review. Marge, shh. It's important that no one knows that I'm a food critic. Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic. Homer's a critic. Pass it on. Did you hear? Homer's a critic. Quit changing the subject. Where is Uter? Oh, we just want closure. Argh, here you are. One critic special. If anything appears to be moving that's just freshness. Argh. Can you believe it, Marge? This job is the greatest. They're paying me to eat. Yeah, now if you can just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt we'll be on Easy Street. Why, you little...! Wow! My first published article. Although someone else's name is on it. Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing. But this is only the beginning. Welcome to Planet Springfield ` the restaurant owned by me, Chuck Norris, Johnny Carson's third wife, and the Russian mafia. Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws. There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps. And there's the cane from Citizen Kane. Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Let me see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked Jim Carrey's career. You...! I'm going to get...! What? > The food is exquisite. And the view is... beautiful. Inspirational. Nauseating. (GROANS) Hey, Homer, great call on that chicken place and on that rib place. I never knew everything was so good. Look, Marge, I'm making a difference in people's lives. Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious. I've never felt jollier. SNAPPING Ooh... there go my shin bones again. Hey, Homer, come here. Oh... are you going to fire me for swiping office supplies? No. Phew. CLICKING Some of your fellow critics wanted to meet you. This is Garth Trelawney, TV critic. Why, you... you made them cancel Platypus Man! Homer! This is our theatre critic, Daphne Beaumont. And The Cosby Mysteries. That show had limitless possibilities. Homer, please. Sorry. Jamey Killday ` farm supply critic. Just got back from The Gopher Poison Show in Paris. Let me tell you something, people ` the days of clubbing them with a baseball bat are over. For you, perhaps. Listen, we've been meaning to have a talk with you about your reviews. Everything's a rave. 'Nine thumbs up' ` what the hell is that? I've given out my share of bad reviews. Oh, the only bad review you gave was to a slice of pizza you found under the couch. Lost some points cos it had a Hot Wheel on it. Oh, good Lord, man, you're a critic. You don't have to like everything ` eg, my latest review. (CLEARS THROAT) READS: We see John Deere has come out with this year's line of rototillers. Surprise, surprise, they're green! I say it's time to send John Deere a Dear John. (LAUGHS) Oh, that's classic! You don't have to patronise me. (LAUGHS) OK. Lord... thy daughters, Gonoril, Regan and Cordelia. What is this, merry old England or Petticoat Junction? What is this, merry old England or Petticoat Junction? (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES INSECURELY) Hey, lighten up. It's a comedy. No, it's not. It's not?! (GROANS) Hmm... this pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere near as hammy. Dad... that's so mean. The other critics told me to be mean and you should always give in to peer pressure. But what if someone bad tells me to... But what if someone bad tells me to... Always! Whoa, this material stinks. I'm going to have to punch it up on the fly. Oh, I got one. How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini. (LAUGHS) Here's another one. Knock, knock. Who's there? Juliet. Juliet who? Juliet so much pasta fagiolo Romeo doesn't want her any more. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) BOOING Whoa, tough crowd. They're booing Shakespeare. Hmm... uh, not bad... if 'lasagne' is Italian for 'pile of puke'! (YELLS) I chop-a you good! Well, I hope you cut me better than you did these string beans. Hmm... I seem to be missing a piece of my ear. Touche. Who wants pork chops? Hmm... Sorry, Marge... I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever ` seven thumbs up. You always liked my pork chops. You always liked my pork chops. Marge, I'm sorry but your cooking's only got two moves ` shake... and bake. You like shake 'n bake. You used to put it in your coffee. People change, Marge. My palate has grown more sophisticated. Oh, yeah? What's a palate? Oh... it's a... special time in a boy's life when... Got to go. So, come to the Legless Frog if you want to get sick and die and leave a big garlicky corpse. PS, parking was ample. Dad, you're being cruel for no reason. What will people think? People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think. Not any more. I don't want to be partners with a man who thinks like that. Nobody talks to me that way. I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me?! No comeuppance! We'll be right back. I don't need Lisa to write a good review. The food at the Gilded Truffle really... uh... What's a good word? (SUCKS) Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really... Come on, help me out here. DOG BARKS DOG BARKS Rough?! Eh, I don't know. You been pitching that all night. Chewy? Chewy! That's inspired! Homer, what gives with this review? You say, 'The salad tastes like bark and the potatoes were very... (GROWLS) This reads like it was written by a dog! Are you crazy? A dog can't type. Unfortunately. Listen, you've got to shape up. Next week is The Taste Of Springfield festival and you'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. Remember, people have certain expectations about the Lifeways section. Really? Like what? Oh, I don't know. Astrology... 'Broom-Hilda...' vacation horror stories... articles about chronic fatigue syndrome... You know, chick crap. ANGRY MURMURING ITALIAN ACCENT: Homer is out of control! He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head in his bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review. True story. Argh! Well, I've had it with Homer! His bad reviews are sinking our businesses. Then why did you put yours in the window? Argh, it covered up the D from the health inspector. Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants! No, that would be impolite. I say we kill him! Hold on a minute. Are we restaurateurs or are we murderers? Are we restaurateurs or are we murderers? Does THAT answer your question? We'll kill him at The Taste Of Springfield festival. We'll give Homer all he can eat till he can eat no more. Then he'll get his just dessert. FRENCH ACCENT: This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe. Come on, you're going to kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change. This eclair is over one million calories. 25lb of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark, light cannot escape its surface. No, no, no! This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly. Ah, yes. Death by chocolate. (LAUGHS) And poison. I'll stick in some poison. And poison. I'll stick in some poison. ALL LAUGH Homie, my woman's intuition is acting up. Something bad's going to happen if you go in there. Oh, Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere. (WHISTLES) Oop! Ow! Jeez! Aah! A bat. Now that's a new one. So, what are you up to, young lady? I'm reviewing the festival for our school paper. Oh. Well, I'm glad to see my ex-partner is doing so well without me. (CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) Pedestrian. (GULPS) Uninspired. I didn't say stop! (GULPS) Lard, ho! 'Tis a good sign. Homer's unfastened the top button on his pants. Uh, no. He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving. I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweatpants. He says the crotch wears out too fast. Yar! That's going to replace the whale in my nightmares. Well, don't worry, the giant eclair will knock Homer off the food page and into the obituaries. BOTH LAUGH EVILLY Wait a minute. They're going to kill Dad! Ooh! Oh, that's a spicy meatball. ...so if we don't find Dad, this crazy French guy is going to kill him! Oh, only your father could take a part-time job at a small-town paper and wind up the target of international assassins. We can find him faster by splitting up. You take fried foods, you take salty snacks I'll take desserts. Break! (MOANS) Oh, so full. Belly button moving from innie to outtie! Ooh, that looks scrum diddly-doodly-duddly... Get lost! A rude Frenchman? Well, I never! Ooh! Sweet! Dad, no! It's going to kill you! Eh, I've had a good run. Don't! Eh... um... It's low-fat! Noooo! Whoo, that was close. Thank God it landed in that smoking crater. Take him into CUSTARDY, boys. Attempted murder one. Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles? Actually, I was in the mood for frittatas. Actually, I was in the mood for frittatas. Ha! Lou and his frittatas. (LAUGHS) Frittatas. Aw, he likes eggs. Oh, Lisa, you saved me. And after all the bad things I said about you. What bad things? Why? Oh, Lisa, the important thing is I didn't get my comeuppance, and I never will. Uh, Dad... I know, honey. The important thing is... run! Oh, I'm finally getting my comeuppance! www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016