1 # Oh, all the wonderful things in life you can buy. They all can be yours with the right frame of mind. # Just look and you'll find. # You'll run your life. # There are no peaks too high. # You'll run your life. # Leave your troubles behind Leave your troubles behind. But don't worry, friend, don't worry... # (DISGUSTED MURMURS) Yuck! Eughhh! Swim trunks are loaded with detergents ` could harm the fish. Ow! Aaarhh... Aaarhh!! Hi, Allison. Scrubbed my job at the aquarium. Heard you got fired. Yeah. Aquarium's totally changed. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I got a lot of great offers. Things are starting to happen for me. I was thinking, maybe later... No. I mean, when you're not working... I don't think so. OK, I guess I'll just take some sea snails and be on my way. No, a little lower. The ones on the bottom. Well,... have a good nipple. (GUNS MOTOR / TYRES SCREECH) (BOTH LAUGH) Ah, you have beautiful skin, baby. I'll get some olive oil,... and rub it all over you. We have a good time, huh? Let's get him outta there. (MOANING FROM NEXT DOOR) Ohhh... Oh, Antoine... Yes... (MOANS CONTINUE) (MOANS CLIMAX IN SYNCH WITH PLUNGER) Aaaaarrhhh... Try to keep your goldfish in this bowl. If you like I could stick around for a while. Every kid needs a father. (ROAR) What the hell...?! Aaarhh!! What the hell are you doing?! There's a mongrel koi in there. The most dangerous of all goldfish. Do you have any ice? Hey... Shoes off, uh? Respect the 18th century Persian carpet. Whoa!! What are those?! Medieval weapons. I'm a collector. They're worth twice as much if they've killed someone. I collect Canadian quarters. I got about six of 'em. Would you like anything to drink? I wouldn't mind a glass of... Whoa! What is that?! Is that a custom Living-Colour anti-glare retractable-top tank?! I'm not sure. It is! They assemble each one of these by hand! Whoa! Chinese tailbar lionfish! He's a beaut! That's an $800 fish! Try a grand. Then you overpaid. Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy! Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy...! Hey, an Australian rainbow fish. You're not gonna wanna put him in there... Oh, God! Women love it. They find it erotic when they eat each other. Excuse me for a second. Must make pee-pee. (TORRENT OF URINE) (TORRENT CONTINUES) (PHONE RINGS / BEEP) 'Antoine, hi. It's Regina. I'm flying in from Luxembourg tomorrow. I want you to be my driver. SwissAir flight 12. Is it still $3500? See you. Ciao.' I finally figured out how you get all these gorgeous women. How's that? You're a limo driver. Sometimes I am. You just drive them here and have sex with them?! If they pay me enough, yes. What kind of limo service is that?! Shouldn't you take them to restaurants or the theatre? I'm a gigolo. A giga-who? Women pay me to... give them pleasure. How d'you get that job?! Just kind of fell into it. I'll kill my guidance counsellor! (BARKS) Down! Bad dog! Hey, guys! You miss me? Well,... there's been a slight delay in our move-to-the-beach plan. But don't worry. It's gonna happen. Hey, fish guy! I think there's something wrong with my, uh,... big fish. (THRILLER MUSIC) The pH is off. Nitrates are at a dangerous level. I can neutralise it. Aw, fishy, fishy, fishy! They don't like that. I think our little friend has Malawi bloat. What the hell is that? A gill disorder. Is it bad? Could be fatal. But will he make it? He's in shock. I gave him some water fleas, but he's got to want to live. The next 48 hours are critical. But I gotta go to Switzerland on business for three weeks. Cancel it! You got a sick fish here, pal! Hey, what about you, huh? I can't afford to go to Europe. My passport expired... No, I mean you can stay here and look after my fish. I've got a full bar, uh? Digital television. You're on the beach. I don't know, I... I would be honoured to care for your fish. Remember,... don't use my car, don't answer my phone. No car, no phone. So I guess a beach party is out of the question? This is a 14th century Hungarian crossbow. It has killed a king and changed the history of Europe. You mess up anything here, I'll shove it up your ass. Have a good trip. # C'mon, c'mon... (MIMICS) Women pay me to give them pleasure! AAAAARRGGHHH!! # C'mon, c'mon... # Tell me what you're saying # C'mon, c'mon... # You must have thought of an ending # C'mon, c'mon... # C'mon, c'mon... I'm on the beach. I open my window, I got sand blowing in my face. It's crazy. I'd love to show you - No. You owe it to yourself - No. Hey! Try to get laid on your own time, pal! (SENTIMENT ECHOED BY QUEUE) I guess I'll just take some sea snails. Give me some from the colder tank. (WHIRRING / RACE COMMENTARY) (# 'Strangers In The Night' - Instrumental) 'Aaaarhhh...' 'Oh... Oh, yes!' 'Aaaarrhh...' (DOORBELL) 'I've been bad... I've been really bad...' (WHIP CRACK / GROANS AND MOANS) 'But it was worth it... Hi, like to buy some Girls of America cookies? 'Don't hit me with that...' Could you... come back later? (WHIP CRACK) Eugh! What are you watching?! (MOANING) You're gross! You're a sick man, and I'm gonna tell! 'Hit me with it again!' How much? (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) Great! (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (STRAINS) (PHONE RINGS) 'Hey, Deuce, it's Antoine. I just realised I don't know you that well. To be honest, it's freaking me out a little. Just keep my apartment clean or you will die. Bye-bye.' Aaaarrhh... (PANTS) $6000?! I know. It sucks. Neil, where am I going to get $6000 in three weeks?! I don't know your budget. You may not want to blow your whole wad on this tank. I would. Can I pay in instalments? No. I'm up to my bicep in it, if you know what I mean. I'm not trying to flip you over and do you dry here. Look, squat on it for a night, and let me know. (PHONE RINGS) What? Hello? (WOMAN) 'Hi. I've been staring at your number for hours. I got it from a friend.' Um, I'm not really supposed to use this phone. 'Why not come over? My address is 1235, Radford Way.' Actually,... I've got a lot of work to do here... still. 'I'm naked.' (SOFT MUSIC) Now there's my little German tourist. Is this it? Is this the whole outfit? It's perfect. Guten haben, Herr Fraulein. Yes...! Use the map, use the map! Voer est der Statue of Liberty? You should have stuck with the tour rides. Now you'll have to pay the penalty. N-no problem. Just, um... ..let me slip on a few of these babies. (GALLOPING / SMALL CRASH) What was that?! I didn't hear anything. Now come here. You naughty little sightseer! Whoa... (GALLOPING / CRASH) I definitely heard something! Oh, that's just Wolfy. Here's been in there a while. Now concentrate. Stay in character. (GALLOPING / CRASH) Wolfy, settle down! You just focus on your little Wiener schnitzel. (GROWLING) I gotta get outta here! Don't worry, he never gets all the way through. Maybe you'd better go. Wolfy has to stop doing this to Mommy's friends! Yes, he does. He does. He'll be all right. This is for you. It's all I could grab. Did I bring you pleasure? Not really. You better haul ass. (GALLOPING / CRASH) (BARKING) $10? Yeah! 1 # Well, you can tell by the way I walk, shorty, that I'm a ladies man, a business man... A martini and two olives. Martini. Two olives. Any ladies need some entertainment tonight? 8.50. $8?! And 50 cents. How much for a plain cranberry juice? Oh, $3. I'll go for that. There you go. That's, er, 11.50. No, no, perhaps you misunderstood. I wish to cancel my order of the martini and two olives and go for just the plain cranberry juice, by itself, for $3. I apologise for any inconvenience caused. Perhaps you don't understand. If you don't pay me now, I'm gonna take this swizzle stick and, er, shove it right up your pee-hole. So that was 11.50, right? Right. OK, there's ten and... ..six quarters... I tell you what - I'll go work on your tip. Je voudrais une boire. I couldn't help overhearing your Spanish. It's French. Ah, oui. French. Nice people. May I? No... (FART EFFECT ON LEATHER) Ooh! Excusez-moi. These leather seats. Would you like a martini or cranberry juice? No. Kinda celebrating tonight. Possible career change. I'm pretty excited about it. You wanna get outta here? OK, I'm sorry. I mean together. (SQUELCHING) What happened to the carpet? Oh, it's, er, one of those 18th century wet rugs. Well, that's certainly appreciated. Hey, whoa. Maybe we should take care of a little business first. If you prefer. I don't have a set price, but I have been getting $10. I'm sorry? That's my going rate. But I will negotiate. (HALF LAUGHS) That's funny. But the price is 500. You're gonna pay me $500?! No, honey, you pay me. Oh, I get it. This is some kind of role reversal. I'll play along with this. OK, 300, 400, 500, you're my hooker. No, seriously, where's my $10? Look, asshole, I didn't come here for nothing! Now give me... my $500!! You give me... $10! 500, now!! Aaarrhhh... You... pay me... $10. Arh! Nice... Oooooh!! Is that all you got? $10! No! Please, don't! $500, or the fish gets it. Let's talk about this! Why do you have Antoine's picture? It's his place. I'm watching his fish. Please,... don't tell him about the shoes, huh? (DOOR CLOSES / SIGHS WITH RELIEF) (DOOR SLAMS) Excuse me? Can I help you? Oh my God. I'm lookin' at a dead man. Claire told me that Antoine's place was messed up, but I had no... idea. Claire? The hooker you ass-punched. That was a misunderstanding. And I intend to have everything fixed by the time Antoine gets back. I'm just... a little strapped for cash right now. Maybe we can work something out. Claire mentioned that you dabble in harlotry. I'm sorry? You a man-whore. I tried it for a few hours... See this ring? Topaz. Got that from man-whorin'. See this key chain? That's right. Mini yo-yo. Know how I got the money for that? Man-whoring? Stock market. I got the money for the stocks from man-whoring - and representin' man-whores like yourself. So you're a pimp? TJ don't consider himself no pimp. More of a... male madam. That wasn't too well thought out. Look at this proud fish. Like a coyote, king o' the jungle. Like Antoine. He don't need no pimp. And look at this mid-level fish here. Works hotels, conventions, senior centres. I represent several man-whores at this level of the game. Then look at this little fella. At the bottom, tryin' to get busy with the scuba man. You know, if you work hard, and listen to me, this... could be you. Well, thanks, but... I already have a job. I clean fish tanks. Ever make $150 cleaning fish tanks? $150? Yeah. Fish won't pay for all this. I don't know... You know, Antoine's got a bad temper. I remember once I dropped a cigar ash on his rug. He made me pick it up with my anus. Well, maybe I could do a couple of jobs... Just to get this place fixed up. We got a lot of work to do. (# 'You Sexy Thing' - Hot Chocolate) # I believe in miracles # Where you from, you sexy thing? # Sexy thing, you # I believe in miracles AAAARRHHH!! # Since you came along # You sexy thing... YAAAAARHHHH!! AAAAARRGGHHH!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHHHHH!!! You're a man-whore now. I'm so proud. Thanks, TJ. Now remember, it's business. Never, ever fall in love. (CAR SCREECHES OFF) (OPENING BUZZER) (DEEP VOICE) I'm upstairs! OK, Deuce,... don't fall in love. (SOFT MUSIC) I know what you're thinking. You're thinking those are the biggest boobies you've ever seen. Can I please use your phone? I'm not your average woman. I like sex and I'm not afraid to admit... (SPLUTTERS AND GURGLES) Excuse me, I just had pudding an hour ago. Dear God! Ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hangar? I'm sorry? You ever thrown a toothpick... into a volcano? What?! Oh, nothing. Just making idle chit-chat. Are you comfortable? Actually, no. Ooh... I'm sweating. You're gettin' me all hot. You don't like my hair, do you? There's been a mistake. Did you say steak? No, mistake. Oh, now you got me all excited. Look, I'm gay. Well, how gay are you? Very gay. You must've dialled the Very Gay Escort Service. Oh, shit. See, sometimes my fingers swell up, and I can't cleanly hit the numbers. They should make a phone for full-figured girls. They should. So,... what do we do? Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah... Cakes and pies, cakes and pies! OK, which pie has the most sugar? Peach cobbler. Argh! You win again. That's four games to one! Well, fast food trivia is my game, honey. 1 I must tell you, nobody has ever pleasured Jabba the Slut. You have a way of satisfying a woman that would sicken a normal man. I can't do this any more. You must have a magical man-gina. Huh? A man-gina. A professional term we man-whores use to describe our... he-pussy. I'm not one of your man-whores. OK, I quit! You ungrateful he-bitch! How about I call Antoine in Switzerland and tell him how you redecorated his poon palace? I'm not an ungrateful he-bitch. Just give me a minute to think here. Thanks. How's it going? Pretty good. Dad, let me ask you a question. What's that, son? Is it wrong for a man to accept money from a woman to... you know, show her a good time? I was thinking about that earlier. The idea of a man-whore is a relatively new idea. Cologne? No, thanks. (SOMEONE FARTS) These women want something more than just sex. They want romance. What do you mean? (ANOTHER FART) Well, like when I met your mom, God rest her soul. I didn't have so much as a toilet to clean, but I wouldn't pay her a dime for sex, no matter what she charged. What?! Your mom could have had any man in that strip club. This being my first time in Bangkok, I was after a good time myself. You met Mom where?! Oh, it's not important. The thing is she saw something in me - beyond the 200 baht. A man with an eye for adventure, who wasn't afraid to risk it all. Dad, are you saying that... (EXTENDED TOILET NOISES) So we took her $1 bills off the stage, said goodbye to that donkey, and two days later we were man and wife. And we were happily married a long time. So do you think I should be more of a risk-taker? Worked for me. Thanks, Pops. Well, son,... looks like I've got some work to do. You got yourself a man-whore. Ha! (CHUCKLES) My man! Is-is Tina here? Yes. I'm Deuce Bigalow. Her date. I'll get my things. I love this place. Where you from again? Norway. Freak! I hear great things about it. Holy shit, it's Bigfoot! So how d'you end up here? I had a pituitary gland procedure and I fell in love with the people here. Keep it in the circus! This place has gone way downhill. Let's go somewhere else. That's a huge bitch! I'm sorry about what those people said. You should be able to go on all the rides. I had a really great time, but I should go... Easy! Easy! Easy...! Wait... Hey... Wait... I know what we could do... I gotta... Give me a second to think here! Ohhh... Oh, yes... (MOANS) Mmm... Ahh... Ahhh! (FURTHER MOANS) No-one has ever... touched my feet before! (ECSTATIC GROANS) Deuce Bigalow? Detective Fowler, LAPD. I want to ask you a few questions about Antoine Leconte, known gigolo, male prostitute... I'm just taking care of his fish. (CHUCKLES) I bet you are. You make me sick! You tellin' me that gigantic woman didn't pay you to have sex with her? No! Let me tell you something. I can sleep at night, cos I make a decent, God-fearing, honest living. I'm sure, but there's nothing I can tell you. Oh, I think there is. What do you think of this? Can I get anything for it? Money? I don't know! You think I'm a loser, don't you? No, I don't. Well, maybe I am a loser, but I'm a loser who can bust your ass! Now, you tell Antoine... I'm gonna nail him. 'Hello?' Is this Ruth? 'Yeah, I'll be right down... GODDAMN IT!!' Nice day, huh? Yeah. SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!! Jeez! You OK? I'm sorry. I have Tourette's syndrome, and it causes me to have uncontrollable outbursts. That's not so bad. Yeah, it's OK. You get used to it. Ball sweat! Anus... anus-licker! (MAKES THROAT NOISE) You know, there are some places I can't g-go... Nipple-biter! Da-da-da-da! What are you talkin' about? You can barely notice it. Scrotum! Sperm! Sperm-face! I just can't go near places like churches... Ha-ha! Vulva! Elementary schools... Jizz! Jizz-trap! Pretty much anywhere. F-f-fart! Dildo! Big... Big, big titties! Shit! Shit-whore! Hey, er, let's put the top up. I'll put on the air conditioning. You probably wanna take me home, don't you? No! Hey, I got an idea. I'm nervous. There's a lot of people here. Don't worry. Crap-muncher!! I know, he was definitely safe. Hey, what d'you think of the other team? Assholes!! Right. And their pitcher, I mean, stop stalling and throw it already! Ball hair! Ball hair! Yeah, ball hair. What we need is a... strike hair. That other team's a bunch of high-priced babies! Whores!! They called him out?! Scrotum licker! (CHEERING) Piss-face! Piss-face! Piss-face! (CHANTING)Piss-face! Piss-face! Piss-face! Piss-face! Piss-face! Piss-face! Piss-face! Piss-face! Deucey, you the best he-bitch in my man stable. Two more man-ginas like you, I'd be a millionaire. TJ, I'm gonna get out. Sit down. This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy. What's wrong with this one? Nothing. Have you seen her? What is she? 80? Hunchback? She just left college. Her friends pitched in to get her some beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date. It's a guy, isn't it? I don't think so. But I have been fooled before. You must be Kate. Excuse me, waiter! Er, yes? Sorry, we busy tonight. I'm Kate. Are you sure? I think so. I'm sorry. You're just not what I expected. Really? No, no! I mean... in a good way. They didn't say you were so... perfect. (LAUGHS) Perfect... So, Sally and Megan didn't tell me a lot about you. Who? Oh, right. Er... Well, I clean tanks... ers. Tankers. I'm sorry, I'm still kind of shocked. I mean, you're really... normal. Thank you. My last couple of dates have been horrible. You go on a lot of blind dates? Only recently. How about you? This is my first. I hope this place is OK. You kidding? It's terrific! (GASPS) Oh, God.. Are you OK? Is this one of those...? It's a sushi bar. Are you allergic? You could say that. That's a dog-faced puffer fish. He's not even fully mature. A teenager, for crying out loud! (SPEAKS JAPANESE) Can I ask you to stop that, please? Hai. I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. I don't know how men do it, either. You're not curious, just to try something new? I'm just not into it. So space exploration is definitely out for you? Definitely. More power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut, I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt. So you think this is a good spot? Perfect. Life's funny, huh? Some pretty close calls. I wonder if he knew how close he came to the end. Oh, he knew. I bet he never thought he'd be held by such a lovely woman. Deuce! You're embarrassing me in front of our new friend. That was a really nice thing you did tonight. Too bad it's a freshwater fish. (SNIGGERS) I'm kidding. I'm just joking. Goodnight. Goodnight. # ..I can't let you go # And I can't let go # With you at my side... # To show the way I feel... Well, you've had yourself an interesting evening. Taking care of his fish, huh? She looks a nice catch. It was a first date. Listen up, man-whore! I oughta bust you right now! We just had sushi. Sushi? That what they call it now? I'm hip to your man-whore slang! OK, fine. I'll have a little chat with your spicy tuna roll, huh? No, don't! All right. OK, Deuce. No problem, baby, relax. Maybe I'll let this one slide - for some information. Like Antoine's black book. The one with his list of clients. I don't know anything about it. Oh, yeah? Know anything about this? Look. That red spot wasn't there this morning. I checked. You know what it is? Maybe a rash from jogging. How do I know? Get it away from me! Maybe you're right. You got three days, Bigalow! 1 TJ, I really like this girl. Deucey, don't fall for no she-john. You're in it for the money. Antoine'll be back soon. His apartment won't pay to fix itself. Hey, this detective is following me. Goddamn it, white boy! Didn't talk about me, did you? No, but what should I do? About what? About the cop! Stop mentioning the damn cops! Don't make me he-bitch man-slap you. (DOORBELL) Hi. I'm Deuce Bigalow, your man-whore for this evening. Hi, I'm Carol. (SNORES) I have narcolepsy, a sleeping disorder. There are worse things - I just can't fly a plane, or drive a car, or work in a gun range. (CHUCKLES) Yeah... (SNORES) This is such a treat. I always wanted to try soup, but there's the fear of drowning. (SNORES) I really had fun. Will you be OK? I'll be fine. You sure? Yeah. Goodnight. (TUMBLE-TUMBLE-THUMP) (MUSICAL INTERLUDE) Come on, you can dance. Oh, Deuce! You look great. Thanks. I want you to meet my roommate. Who's there? Kate? I hear someone. It's just me and my friend. Are you sure? I hear three people. You're the third person. Oh. Oh, OK. (She's fully blind. She's still getting adjusted.) Bergita, this is Deuce. I think something's wrong with Cassie. Oh, honey... This isn't Cassie. Here she is. Oh, there you are! It's nice to meet you. Hi. Once you try it for the first time, you're pretty happy with it. I've never met a hair transplant technician before. Oh, man! I forgot, it's my dad's birthday! Let's go see him. He's working. So? What does he do? He's in the restaurant... industry. Kate, I'd like you to meet my dad. Bob Bigalow. Bob, Kate. Hi. Son, I'm very proud of you. She is a lovely young lady. Oh, thank you. It's so nice to meet you. Happy birthday. Thank you. Well, we should be going. Deuce! Dad probably has a lot of... paperwork to do, and... The paper is completely stocked. I have plenty of time to get acquainted with the woman who's made my boy so happy. We got you a cake. Deuce said it's your favourite. We had to go to a Filipino bakery to get it. You didn't?! You did! Raspberry bibingka?! You shouldn't have. My wife, God rest her soul, used to make this all the time. You would have liked her. Bangkok Betty. She had the most amazing mouth - it paid for our honeymoon. We should probably be going. Deuce, it's your dad's birthday! Hi. Bob, we have an overflowing toilet in the ladies', there is shit everywhere. Could you take care of that for me? No worries, Vic, right on it. This is my son's girlfriend, Kate. Nice to meet you. Hi, Deuce. So could you get in there? I got a party of ten coming, and I am up to my ankles in crap. It's a real stink-fest back there. Sure. Well, looks like I better get back to work. It's a pleasure meeting you, dear. It warms my heart just being in your presence. Oh, thank you! See you, son. See, my dad's one of those guys who gets involved in every facet - It's OK. No problem too small or too big. They come to him for everything. Deuce,... it's all right. It's not his restaurant. My dad's not even a waiter. He's the men's room attendant. I'm sorry. Don't be silly! You know what my dad does? He's an aeronautical engineer. Bob? Want to blow out your candle? Now that's good bibingka! I had a really nice time tonight. I find that hard to believe. I've never met anyone like you. Good. I have to see you again. When we go in, try to be quiet so we don't wake up Bergita. # With you at my side... # To show the way I feel # To show the way I feel (CRASH) # With you at my side... # My secrets to reveal # For you are the magnet and I am the steel... Let me get the light. Hang on, I'll be right back. You are good. (LAUGHS) Hi. Hi. Are you all right? I need you to be OK with something. What? I'm OK with everything! Deuce... There may be things about me that you don't like. I like everything about you. I mean... physically. So you're taller than me. Big deal! I'll get over it. It's not that. What? If you were to find out something about me and... my body that was maybe different than what you were used to, would that be OK? There could be nothing on your body that I wouldn't like. What are you talking about? What, you got, like, six toes? I can live with that. Deuce, I have to tell you. I have a... Shhh. Aaarrrhhh!! Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I tried to tell you! No, it's my fault. I shouldn't have pulled it so hard. If you wanna leave, I completely understand. I don't wanna leave! I'm sorry I reacted that way. I got a lot of things going on, and it all sorta culminated when your leg fell off. Came off. Disconnected. Just... get out. Please leave! Kate! I'm sorry! Go home. Don't I have a say in this? Give me my leg. Then will you come out and talk? I don't know. (CLICK) Are you sure you wanna stay? Yes! But only if you come out of there. I need to know how you feel about all this. The same as I did an hour ago. When I thought to myself I'm the luckiest guy in the world to be with her leg... With you. Ow. Is thith normal? My fath is numb. It's perfectly normal in hair replacement surgery. The anaesthetic has numbed the nerves in your face, just like at the dentist. Owwww-owwww-eurrhhh... You're Kate's best friends, and I know your opinions mean a lot to her. I want to get really serious with her. You're a prostitute! Not any more. And it's 'man-whore'. Anyway, I just quit. Kate's the one for me. You were meant to go out one night, then get the hell out of her life! She's not normal. She's not like other girls. You know what her problem is? Friends like you! She's perfect. She's kind, she's sweet, she's funny, and she likes me. I came to give you your money back ` the money you paid a stranger to have sex with your friend! Hey! You stay away from her, man-whore! Hiya, Deuce. Your three days are up, lover-boy. Where's Antoine's black book? I've looked everywhere! Listen, punk, you are aiding and abetting a criminal! Do the initials T and J mean anything to you?! Um,... turkey jizz? Show some respect, or I'll rip your pleasure-giving tongue out! One more thing. I was at the precinct and had to use the john, and it's filthy in there, and I was in a hurry, didn't use one of those paper ass-gaskets. I was doing my business and something splashed up on me. What do you do in that situation? You think I'll be OK? I think you're pretty safe. I better be! 1 Ugly is not a problem for this guy. He'd stick his dick in a he-monkey. OK, holler at you later. What up, Deucey! You should know that cop won't leave me alone. What about the cop? He's asking questions. Goddamn, white boy! It doesn't matter now. I'm quitting. What about Antoine's apartment? I'll get the money the old-fashioned way. You gonna steal it? See you, TJ. I just quit! I'm never doing it again! You lied to me! Please, it's not what you think. You were paid to go out with me! You want breakfast? Kate! Just go away! I never wanna see you again! Me neither. I'm sorry. (YOWLS) # Feel sad when you're sad # I feel glad when you're glad # And if you only knew what I'm goin' through # I just can't smile without you # We get along just like a song (LYRICS DROWNED OUT) # And you know I can't smile without you # I can't smile without you # And I can't laugh, I can't sing... I'm 1500 short. Isn't there anything else you can do? Listen, I came all over the place. Down from six grand. This is a custom hand job. Let me pay you monthly. Last time I wasn't paid up front, I got the big stiffy. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? 'Why are you picking up my phone?!' I found the coral you want. Shh! 'If all is not well I'll kill you!' Hola, Senor. 'Rip your veins out one by one!' No habla Ingles. '..murder...' Hasta luego. (PHONE RINGS / ANSWERPHONE BEEP) 'Hey, Antoine, it's Elaine. I really need to see you again. Same price, same place?' I'll have the money. Hi. Um,... this isn't Antoine, but maybe we can work something out. Hi. I'm Deuce. Stop. Why? You don't wanna have sex. Yes, I do. I think we both do. Don't you find me attractive? Are you kidding? You're one of the hottest women I've ever seen! Easy, easy.... I just can't do this. I'm head-over-heels for a girl. We're having a rough time, me being a man-whore, but it'll work out, because I love her. Well, she's a lucky girl. At least, emotionally. My guy used to be like that. Hey... Hang in there. Things have a way of working out. Hey... Where are you goin'? Well, I thought we talked and... you understood. I understand. But the fact is I still paid for your services. Well, what did you have in mind? (# Get Down Tonight' - KC And The Sunshine Band) AAARRRGGHH!!! I'm exhausted. Oh, God, you were amazing! I just had to see for myself. Oooh! Aaarrghh... Kate!! # I'm not in love... # I'm not in love... # Aaarrhh. How's Elaine? You know, your wife. This wasn't about some black book! Your wife's a customer of Antoine's! That son of a bitch is going down! And you'll join him! How's that gonna fix your marriage? Look, I lost someone I love, too. You know why she did this? You know why she went outside our marriage? It's because of my dick, man! I mean, that's the reason! It's my dick! Look, take it easy! You think your wife cheated because your penis is too small? It's not too small, it's too thin, OK?! My dick is too thin! I GOT A THIN DICK!! Keep it down! I'd like to come back here! Everybody knows that it's width, width, that gives sexual gratification. Read Cosmo, Redbook, you name it! What am I supposed to do?! I got the thinnest penis in the world! It's like a twizzler, look! No, stop that!! Look, sit down! Sit! It's not your dick! It's you! If you painted it silver and twisted the end, it'd look like a kickstand. If man-whoring's taught me anything, it's that most women are as unhappy with their entire body as you are with your small penis. Thin penis. Whatever. While you're worried about your penis,... Thin penis. ...women are worried about their height, weight, their giant feet, the obscenities they could burst out with. If you make a woman feel good about herself, it really doesn't matter what's wrong with you. Even if it's really, really thin? We're talking spaghetti stick. Tell you what... Every time you feel self-conscious about your thin dick, say something nice to make your woman feel sexy. Is that it? I mean, is that all there is? There is one other thing. # Do a little dance # Make a little love # Get down tonight # Get down tonight # Do a little dance # Make a little love Get down tonight... Yes, sir. You're sure there isn't anything you can do? Yes, sir, I understand. Listen,... I really appreciate your helping me. I guess I misjudged you. Anyway, I got you off the hook. Why am I still worried? You gotta give them TJ. I can't do that! You must. I've been on this case three months. Boss wants somebody arrested. But TJ's my friend. I'm serious, Deuce. Look, I don't like it, but it's either you or him. Your Honour, sex for money is morally reprehensible. Mr Bigalow has compounded this crime by refusing to name his he-pimp. Therefore we ask for the maximum term for each of the five counts of prostitution. (DEEP THUD) (THUD... THUD... THUD...) (LONG BELCH) 'Scuse me. We never had sex. We talked about it. Well, I talked about it. But Deuce never took advantage of me. He should have. But he's my friend. He made me realise that I wasn't just some hot babe with huge tits - even though I am. Oh, and he also got me walking again. Deuce and I never had sex. It was physically impossible. Freak! It's true I paid him money to be with him, and I'd do it again, because he made me feel good about myself. Behemoth! And no one ever touched my feet before. That's a huge bitch! Deuce taught me to be comfortable with who I am. Thank you, Deuce. You asshole!! These are very serious charges, Mr Bigalow. I just have one question. During your stint as a he-whore, did you have sex with anyone?! Yes, Your Honour. (GASPS) Just one woman. And I'm love with her. (GASPS) Order! Order, please! This is very important, Mr Bigalow. Did she pay you for sex? No. Case dismissed. (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Yes! These shots will deaden the nerve area where your hair transplants will be. There. That should do it. Nurse, would you please remove our donor hair? I'll be back in a minute. Mr Johnson, please, just lie back down. Oh, my God! Deuce! (NUMB) Kate, listen to me... What are you doing here?! It was the only way you'd see me. Deuce, it's over between us! Listen, those shots hurt like hell. Could you at least hear me out? I don't know what you charge per hour, but you have one minute. OK,... I deserve that. I should have told you right from the start, but I was afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid that a girl as wonderful as you could never fall for a guy who cleans fish tanks. Cos that's who I really am. This whole gigolo thing was just a mistake. But I'm glad it happened,... cos I never would have met you. I never would have known what love was. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect, either. Yes, you are. You're perfect in every way. I knew it the moment I met you. Kate,... You have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips... are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg,... but it's the most beautiful leg in the world. Are you kissing me? Cos I can't feel a thing. (PA) 'Now boarding at gate 53, flight 14 to Sydney, Australia...' I've never done this in 12 hours. Don't blame me if the seals leak. Shit!! Shit cabinet!! (SNORES) Deucey, put the fish in the tank! Antoine landed 20 minutes ago. I think we're gonna be OK. Could you step this way, please? Is it time to put the big guy in yet? Not yet. Temperature's not right. Spread them again,... please. OK, we can put the last fish in. You pulled it off, kid. Time for some tequila! (BLENDER) Margaritas, anybody? I need... Chinese... tailbar... lionfish. ..700, 800. Where d'you get that money? Friends. Yeah, right! Anything else? I better get some sea snails. So, uh, how was your trip? Pretty good. Until about three hours ago. Yeah? What happened? I don't want to talk about it. The place looks good. Good to be home. Well, I should take off. Something you're not telling me? Yeah... I put your mail on the nightstand. Right. What the hell is this? Chocolate margarita? You've had a party? It was more like a... welcome-home thing, really. I could really use one right now. Spicy. I should probably go. My fish. They look smaller. Sometimes, when they're sick,... they'll... shrink. Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy! Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy! Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy! (CREAKING) I did man-whore for a little bit. But none of your clients. None of them. I know an aquarium guy who can fix all of this. He's a little expensive... Deuce! No! AAAAARRHHH!! (GRUNT OF RAGE) Deuce! No!! Errr... Oh... Hey, tough guy! What do you think of this? You're busted. What's goin' on out here? I can see! You're black! I knew it! # Love # is what I want. # Oh, yeah. # And all you gotta do is bring it to me, baby. # Talk # is what I want. # What I want. # Oh, yeah. # What I want. # And all you gotta do is bring it to me, baby. # Come on, let's talk about it. Can't seem to do without it. # Don't want to be one of the broken-hearted. # So lift me up. # It is time to start it. # Take me on... for a ride. # Lift me up # From the broken-hearted. # Rivers deep and wi-ii-ide. # Lift me up. # Take me on... for a ride. # Lift me up... # from the broken-hearted. # Rivers deep and wi-ii-ide... # 'Call Me' ` Blondie (cover version) IMS Subtitles Michael Callaghan www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016