MAN (voice-over): 86 years of banging our heads against the big green wall, but we finally did it. That part you know. That part everybody knows. But I got a story you don't know. It's about this schoolteacher friend of mine named Ben. This is him, back in 1980, when he was a kid. The little guy was going through a tough time. His parents had just got divorced, and his mom dragged him up here to Boston where he didn't know nobody. One day, Ben's mom says, "Enough moping around," and she calls her brother Carl to take him somewhere, anywhere, just to get the kid out of the house. Uncle Carl didn't have any children of his own, so he wasn't exactly what you'd call "kid-savvy." I'm not gonna have to change him or anything, am I? Carl, look at him. He's seven, you dope. Come here. (voice-over): Carl wasn't the kind of uncle who was gonna take you to the circus or the zoo or a puppet show, but he did know the greatest place to bring any kid, the heart and soul of Boston: Fenway Park. (music swells) (voice-over): That was also the day I met Ben. The pretty boy with the glasses, that's me, Al Waterman. I sell sponges. Now, that's the Green Monster, kid. Monster? Yep. (voice-over): I taught the boy what I knew about the game, and Carl taught him what he knew. Hey, Zimmer, you idiot! What do you bat this bum leadoff for?! (voice-over): Well, Dwight Evans parked a couple homers, the Sox won, and by day's end, poor Ben had become one of God's most pathetic creatures: -Wow...! -a Red Sox fan. And that's where the story begins. Careful, kid. They'll break your heart. (intro to "Dirty Water" plays) # I'm gonna tell you a story # # I'm gonna tell you about my town # # I'm gonna tell you a big, fat story, baby # # Aw, it's all about my town # # Yeah, down by the river # # Down by the banks # # Of the River Charles # # Aw, that's what's happening... # You could've gone over right there! Come on, you got to be aggressive, man. Take off the training wheels. Hey, I got a crowbar under the seat, okay? Don't make me knock your teeth out. GIRL: I told him that! DEEJAY: WEEI in Boston... Audrey, Tammy, are you guys talking to each other on the phone here? Oh, we're conferencing Amanda-- she's home sick. Oh. Amanda likes that song, Mr. Wrightman. Can you turn it up, please? (turns up volume) # One, two, one, two # # One, two, three, go # # Wasting pretty time # # Wasting pretty time, time, always # # One, two, one, two... # Okay, so I asked for no ham, double turkey, but it looks like they gave me double ham. - Do you want me to go back? - Uh... uh, no. Just toss some of it in my mouth. - And that teacher's here with those kids. - What? That teacher you talked to on the phone about coming in, having a tour... Oh, oh, God, that's today? - They're here. - Oh, no! Okay, uh, just pretend that you're me and take them around and... Hi! There they are! Ben Wrightman. We talked on the phone. Nice to meet you. Yes, yes, I've been waiting for you. Hi. I'm Lindsey Meeks. Excuse me. Uh, can I get, uh, anyone something to drink? Vodka martini, straight up, three olives, please. Hey! I asked you to behave. Uh, are you allowed to hit them? Yeah, actually. Do you want to take a swipe at him? I'll hold him, if you want. Maybe later. Uh, okay. As I said on the phone, Lindsey, I, uh, teach honours geometry, ninth grade, and every year, I pick a few promising math students to go meet someone who's pursued mathematics as an educational discipline and has made practical use of that education. So... thanks for having us. All right, the client I'm working for right now is this really cool company called Marquis Jet. And they're trying to figure out how to make renting private jets more affordable. Wow. Now, that's the way to go. Yeah, and they're growing like crazy, so they have to buy more jets in order to meet the demands. Now, let me ask you guys a crazy question. Are any of you in the habit of looking at numbers-- you know, addresses, license plates, phone numbers-- and adding them up and rearranging them in your head to make more interesting patterns? Oh, my God! She knows my secret shame. Well, step into the light, my friend, because this is the church of numbers, and every day is Sunday. She was a major hotty. Major? Colonel Hotty. Yeah, she went optic for you, Mr. Wrightman. - Optic? - Yeah. I saw her glance to the pants. No way! - Yeah! - What do you mean? - I mean, she was totally... - No, no, no, not you. You. - What-What did you mean? - Nothing. You know. Well, come on, man, you saw her. Wha...? Wait. Are you saying that she's out of my league? She was bringing some serious heat, man. - I don't know if you got the bat speed. - Oh, I got the bat speed. I got plenty of bat speed. I could hit her best cheese. Ezra, I need those customer satisfaction data reports. - I put them on your desk, Lindsey. - Good luck. Keep me posted. -You got it. -(Lindsey sighs) - Those kids were cute. - Which kids? - The ones from earlier today. - Oh. Yeah. Maybe I should become a teacher. Or a college professor, you know? The hours would be better, you get summers free, it's so much less competitive... - Oh, my God! Jack is leaving! - What? - Jack is leaving the company next summer. - (gasps) But that's so... Do you think they're gonna bring someone in -from the outside? -I have... I don't know. Or do you think they're gonna promote from within? - I thought you were becoming a teacher. - Oh, low blood sugar. I didn't eat yet. Hi. Hi. I didn't want to interrupt. It sounded like you were involved in some major corporate hoo-ha. Oh, well, there's a position about to open up, so it might get mildly murderous around here. (screeching) I want your job! I'm the boss! (screeching) Aah! Y-Yes. So, um... (smacks lips) Why am I here? Um... (clears throat) I just wanted you to know that you really got through to the kids today. You know? They're really juiced. -(cell phone rings) -Oh, thanks. They were... they were great. (chuckles) Uh, you're welcome. Thank you. So... is the conversation over? You mean, 'cause neither of us are speaking? (laughs): Yeah. I wanted to ask you if I could... ask you out sometime. Socially. I won't be bringing the kids. Oh! Uh... -Hike. -Go, go! -All right, good D! Good D! -Good D, man. I know why she wouldn't go out with me. Thinks I'm not in her class. She said that? No. I could see it on her face. "Like I would really date a schoolteacher." Ouch! Down. Set. Hike. (players shouting) -Yeah! -Go, go, go! (loud grunt) (loud grunting) Ben, what are you doing? It's two-hand touch! You were down back there! And back there, and back there! What's the matter with you? Come on, guys. Huddle up. Sorry. Sorry, guys. (up-tempo techno music playing) All right, Lindsey, so what's the matter with this one? He's not smart? He's not attractive? He was. It's just... you know, I don't know, it's hopeless. Oh, boy, here we go. You're right, I'm an idiot. I'm about to turn 20-10, and the dating market is, shall we say, bearish, and instead of becoming more open and available, I'm becoming... less open. Come on, people. Talking isn't burning calories. Let's go. Start peddling. Come on. (sighs) (music continues) Maybe you should date a different kind of guy. - Why? What do you mean? - Well... all the guys you date are sharp and competitive and successful. It's like you're dating yourself. # Ding, ding, ding! # Look, what's wrong with a schoolteacher? Well... He's... a schoolteacher. Which means he has a small... income. INSTRUCTOR: All right, people, let's shut your pie hole and speed it back up! Come on! Come on! Die, you Nazi spin bitch! (bell rings) (whistling) Hey! Go, run a post. Go. -(girls giggling) -Oh. (seething): Who did that? That's it! You're coming with me, mister. What, do you think this is, your own private playground? Get in there. Thanks, man. I owe you one. Go ahead. (whistling) Hey, Ben, are you going to watch the Celtics later? Eh, I don't know. You know, there are other sports besides baseball. I would debate you, Ed, but that would only lead to me being dragged away in handcuffs. Hey, speaking of baseball, Ben, want to help me coach the JV team this year? Why? You're doing a great job. I mean, you can't just go by wins and losses. Aw, come on, Ben, the kids listen to you. Nah, I think it's going good the way it is, you know? You coach the team, and I help out whenever I can. Then if I don't make it or... Hey, Rita, when did I get this message from Lindsey Meeks? A tip might be where it says, "Time called: 2:30." (whistles) WOMAN (voice-over): Come on! Pull! So do you think it'll be a problem that you're more successful than him? Who says I am? Well, I mean, well... at least financially. It's not like he's playing a flute with a hat full of dollar bills in front of him. He's a teacher. Teaching's a cool thing. Yeah. Besides, why does everything in my life have to be a trophy? I mean, who am I trying to impress? Hey, we're on your side. No, I know. It's just that I hate when... (gasps) WOMAN: Ow! Oopsy. (sickly groaning) LINDSEY: Oh, just kill me. Just take a hammer and kill me. (groans) Oh, shit. Who is it? I-It's me. It's Ben. Your-your date? Oh, God, no. Oh... (panting) I'm sick. Come back. -I'll call you tomorrow. -Wait-wait. Wh-What kind of sick? You okay? You in pain? I... ate at this new place. I think... (Lindsey retching) (vomiting) Are you faking it? 'Cause, you know, we don't have to really do this, if you don't... (retching, hawking, spitting) (weakly): Mommy... (coughs) (groans) Ernie, go away. Ernie, don't eat that! -(dog's tongue lapping) -Oh... shit. Uh... So you want to pull the plug on this thing or...? (vomiting, gagging, coughing) Okay... all right, here we go. Come on. All right, we're almost there. Okay... Okay... Sit right here. Oh! All right, okay, here. Pick your head up. (moaning) Okay, up. Pillow. Uh, all right, um... Do you have any, like, pyjamas or a nightgown? In the top drawer. Top drawer. Okay. All right, here we go. (chuckles) Well, Wonder Woman's been looking for these. I got-- I got to call her and let her know they're here. Okay. All right. I'll help you. -Okay. Come on. -(moaning) I'm sorry about this. Don't worry. Come on. -I'm so sorry. -Come on. I'm going to help you change, all right? I won't look. I promise. (moans) Okay. Okay, I looked. (giggles weakly) Okay, let's get this on. Get your arms through. Okay, here we go. You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay. There's nothing left to throw up. I promise. And if you do, I got-- there's Mr. Hamper, okay? All right. # Sooner or later # # I'm going to get through to you # (moans weakly) # I'm telling you, baby... # Hey, drink this when you feel like you can, okay? Thank you. All right. Thank you, Bill. Thank you. It's Ben. Okay, go back to sleep. # I've got time on my side # # Along for the ride... # (moaning) # ...Just be gone # # Sooner or later # # Gonna soothe you, turn you on # # I'm gonna turn you on # # Sooner or later... # (snoring softly) Hey. Hi. How you feeling? I mean, I'm not about to enter any pie-eating contests. Did you clean up my bathroom or did I dream that? Me? No. Uh, the vomit elves came in, and, uh... really adorable, really cute little things. I mean, little caps and little barf bags and... Well, thank you. I mean, you really, really went above and beyond. Oh, no, please. It wasn't a big deal. I mean, you were very ladylike, hardly any chunkage. (sighs) - What's in the bag? - Oh, I got some, uh... I got some movies just in case you woke up. Not in case you-- I knew you were going to wake up, just... In case you woke up in the middle of the night. Yeah? Anything good? Uh... Mostly animated pornography from Japan-- a little something I like to watch, too, when I feel sick. - Well, for me, it's "Annie Hall." - What did you say? - "Annie Hall." - Whoa. This is like, this is-- this is unbelievable. "Road House." (chuckles) Are you feeling-- is this crazy? I mean, what are the odds? Spooky. No, she cannot have my assistant. Because I trained Carrie. I like her. Listen, do we have to settle this right now? I'm with a... person. Yes. Thank you. Okay, I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye-bye. - I'm really, really sorry. - Actually, I'm sorry. I ate everything cool and I just left you a pile of sauce, so... That's okay. Actually, I'm the worst. I eat off everybody's plate. In fact, my friends, they call me the Seagull. (squawks like a seagull) Oh, hi, Seagull. Nice. No, really, I-I appreciate you being cool about the phone thing, because I once went on a date with this guy who got so angry I was on the phone that he grabbed it out of my hand and he threw it in the fish tank. I would never do that. What are your pet peeves? What stresses you out? -Mmm, I got... -And I'm only asking because, frankly, the men I meet are highly... I date poodles, basically. And I'm really relaxed, you know? Totally... (phone rings) -Son of a... Stop ringing! -I got it. Let me do it. Let me do it. Hello? Uh, no, she isn't. May I take a message? This is Ben. I'm her houseboy/sex slave. Okay. You betcha. Bye-bye. Call your mother. LINDSEY: Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you don't have a cell phone, a Blackberry, a pager, nothing? - No. - Well, what if some sudden crisis occurs, like your father has a heart attack or something? - My father died two years ago. - Oh, I'm sorry. I just found out this morning, so it's been a rough 24 hou... You know, maybe I should get a cell phone. That's a good idea. You're funny, Ben... Wrightman. Wrightman. Yeah. - You forgot my last name. - No, I just blanked. I know why you forgot. That's all right. No, I... I bet-- 'cause, I bet you when you talk to your friends, you call me Ben the Schoolteacher. Am I right? Well... That's okay. What do you call me to your friends? I call you... Lindsey... the vomit girl, the puker... Pukey. Everybody's, like, "Are you going out with Pukey today?" I'm like, "Yeah. Why? Do you want to play video games or something?" I'm like, "No, I'm out with Pukey, so..." That's horrible. Hey, anything I said about you would be an understatement, really. (indistinct conversation) Hey, Lindsey! Hi! -Hey. -Hi... - Hi, I'm Ben the Schoolteacher. - Ian. Sarah. - Hi. - Steve. Molly. - Oh, thanks for having me. - Robin... uh, Chris. Welcome aboard. Here, it's for the urine sample. Shoot, I wish you would have told me. I took a whiz in your bushes. (laughing) Do you want to show him the house? # I like it when it rains # # It's always on the window panes... # Lindsey, this Ben guy has got such a good vibe. Good. - And he's nothing like the guys you usually date. - I know. SARAH: And how cute is he? Yeah? Well, I'm really glad that you guys feel this way, because if you didn't, I was going to have to find three new friends. No, no, no. I really think you've got something here. Me, too. ROBIN: Yeah, but... - something's not quite right. - Robin... No, no, he's great. He is. I love him. He's a doll. But he's not 22. So? So... Where's he been? Why is he still on the market? - Um... - Maybe he hasn't found the right person yet. Well, by now he should be with the wrong person. How has he not been tranquilized and tagged? All right, let me get this straight. You got two season tickets behind the Red Sox dugout? Mm-hmm, yeah. My uncle left them to me. Behind the dugout? Yeah, well, not really behind it, but, like, next to it, 15 feet away. You can see right into it at a certain point. It's pretty awesome. Let me ask you this: Do you find my wife attractive at all? 'Cause we could work something out. (laughing) Well, do you? You know what you need to do? You need to go to his apartment and go through his things. You need to go through his closets, his sofa cushions; you need to get on his computer. And what exactly am I looking for? Anything that explains why he's still single. My company can run a credit check on him. You know, he could be a deadbeat dad. This is an insane asylum. So, uh, when they wheeled out Ted Williams - at the All-Star game...? - I was there. I was ten feet away from him. Old men crying... tears. Like, tough, old guys. I even started to lose it, you know. I got a program I could show you. Lindsey ever breaks up with you, I'll kill her. Lindsey, do you remember that guy that Maureen Durst went out with? Uh, sort of. Why? MOLLY: Terry what's-his-name? - We all thought he was great, too. - Well, what happened? - Oh, my God. She went to his apartment... - Shh. My story. Stand by. She's at his place. He's in the shower. She wants to make the bed, so she goes to the closet. - Guess what she finds? - Ooh, I don't know. What'd she find? Two large plastic bags containing all of the hair and nail clippings from his entire life. Eww. (groans) Mm-hmm. That's a true story. I'm telling you, there is a reason this Ben guy is still single. (southern rock music playing) # Come on, baby # (alarm ringing) # Come on! # (sighs) -Come on. -Just go, big man. BEN: No, look, I promised him we'd wait. - We're always waiting for him. - Well... I gave him my word. You guys wait? -Yeah. -Come on, man! - Did anyone die because you're here? - No, no, no. I got another anaesthesiologist to cover for me. All right, you ready? Hey, come on. God. (gasping with awe) Wow. (sniffs) A new season. A clean slate. (inhales deeply) This smells like the year. (squawks like a seagull) Hey, you want to know something? What? I like you. -I like you. -No, I mean, I really like you. I-I-I even wrote out a list of all the things I like about you. You made a list? Yeah. I don't have it with me but I can remember it. I'll skip down, because the first six are all body parts. Uh, number seven: I like that you drink in the afternoon. Uh, number eight: I like sometimes you talk out of the side of your mouth a little bit, and it's like... it's like an adorable stroke victim. (laughing) I do?! It's... no, it's very cute. It really is. Uh, number nine: You know, when you're getting ready in the mirror, just when you're about finished, you go, like... It's so cute I want to kill myself. -It's fantastic. Uh... -Hey, when's your break? Hmm? You know, for your school vacation. -When do you get off? -End of March. That's when you're in Baltimore, right? Yeah. Well, it's a really big deal in my family, because it's my dad's birthday and Easter, and my sister's anniversary all in the same week. A cluster. Yeah. Uh, so, uh, how'd you like to come? Ooh, too fast, too serious? No, why? Did I look like I was just... You were a little. No, 'cause... No, I-I... I made... I have a previous commitment. Oh? Plans? Yeah. Yeah. Um, see, I didn't tell you about it 'cause I knew you were going to be away and I figured it wouldn't matter, but, every year, during Easter vacation, uh... me and my friends... we go down to Florida. You and your buddies go down to Florida for Spring Break? At your age? No, no, no. Not Spring Break. Spring training with the Red Sox. Oh, you get to train with the Red Sox? Are you allowed to do that? Well, we don't actually... We-we watch the games. Aren't those just practice games? Yeah, yeah. But it's more to it than that. I mean, we scout the players, we-we say which players they should keep, which they should get rid of... And the Red Sox ask your opinion? Well, not yet. But if they ever do, uh... Okay... I-I've been avoiding this. I... There's something you don't know about me. Oh, God, here comes the bag of hair. The thing is, uh... I am a Red Sox fan. -Yeah? -No, I'm, like, a big, big Red Sox fan. I know. I mean, I've been to your apartment and seen the Red Sox dish towels and glasses and the Yankee toilet paper. It's like you live in a gift shop. It's worse. See, when I was a kid, I moved here from New Jersey. I didn't have any friends or anything and so my Uncle Carl started taking me to Fenway Park. I just, I got lost in the game. I mean, the ballpark and the people. The colour, the sounds, the smells. And then he got cancer and he died and he left me season tickets. And it's a passion. I mean, it's a very, very big part of my life. And it's been a problem with me and women. Ah, ah, I know those women. The pay-attention-to-me and why-aren't-you-talking-to-me? Yeah, exactly. God, those women are so pathetic. Yeah, it's, like, uh, "What are you getting so worked up for? I mean, you're not even doing it, you're watching it." Yeah. It's like, hey, how about, sometimes I like to be 11 years old. Yeah. I like being part of something that's bigger than me, than I. It's good for your soul to invest in something you can't control. You're a romantic. - Hmm? - You have a lyrical soul. You can love under the best and worst conditions. (mumbles): I don't know. Well, yeah... yeah, that's, uh... yeah, I guess so. (laughs gently) Hey, uh... ...you took a really big chance inviting me to meet your family. Now I'm going to take a chance. A big one. Lindsey, will you go to Opening Day with me? (sighs) (giggles) Yes. Yes! Yes! You hear that? She said yes! (imitating Jimmy Stewart): Mary, look, Merry Christmas! Clarence, look, everyone showed up. It's amaz... We're going to Opening Day, it's official. We're going. (both cheering) (Lindsey gasps) What did Dad do to his hair? I can't even look at him. I know. How could you let him? He's 60. It's a big psychological milestone. He's struggling with it. He thinks he looks good. (dog barking) Now don't start with me. Listen, I forgot to tell you that Donna called... -(dog growling) -Stop it. Out. Outside. Out. I don't know what's with him lately. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you-- Donna called and they're, they're on their way. (both snicker) He is scaring the dog. How can you stand it? He fanned me with a magazine for four years when I was going through menopause; I can put up with this. Go back in and talk to him. He misses you. Okay. One more. TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, but do you see him ever playing in a Yankee uniform? -Hey. -Hey, kiddo. Want a cookie? No, thanks. Your mama says you've been busy. Oof. No Red Sox fan has forgotten last October and Aaron Boone. Hey, is this about the Red Sox? Yeah. TV ANNOUNCER: ...that next year is the year. Steve Levy is in Fort Myers with some of the members of the set known as Red Sox Nation. Down here in Fort Myers, Florida, the story is always the same. When the calendar page flips to March, all of Red Sox... DAD: Are you interested? No, I just, you know. I mean, I-I have a friend who is interested. Oh, the schoolteacher. When are we going to meet this, uh, future breakup? Mmm, thanks, Dad. That's really encouraging. Well, I thought you would have brought him with you. Well, you know, he wanted to come, it's just that, um, well, he has this tradition, you know, and it's very important to him. Every... (crowd shouting and cheering) (Ben shouting gibberish) REPORTER: Where do the Sox rank in terms of importance of your life? I say Red Sox, sex and breathing. I have season tickets to Fenway Park. I haven't missed a game in 11 years. I love the Red Sox! They're going to win! All the way! This year, baby! Look out! REPORTER: Do you have a job? Do you work for a living? Yeah, of course I do. Yeah, I'm a teacher. I mould young minds. Can you believe this asshole? (all screaming and shouting insanely) (shouting continues) BEN: 29th of May, Seattle, all right? Oh, you know what? I gave it to the lady down at the bakery. Ben, all I got so far is the 24th and 22nd, man. We're only on May and we've been here for four hours, all right? Let's try to speed this thing up. 30th of May, we're still at Seattle. Who wants a Sunday game? These guys can have whatever games they want. All I ask for is the first Yankee game. You went to six Yankee games last season, you selfish pig bastard. You got to go to every great game. Lowe's no hitter. Your mother's hysterectomy? I put her out for free, remember? What are you talking about? She had insurance for that. Hey, attention, morons! Hey, you guys want Yankee tickets? You want to talk Yankee tickets? -Yes. -Really? Okay, well, you know, I want to see you dance for me. (all griping at once) You don't want to dance? I don't want to embarrass you. I don't want to embarrass you. I just, I'll take this. Everyone just go. I'll go talk to some kids in the street. Oh, I see a little bit there. That's pretty nice. (disco beat plays) The doctor's giving me something. The doctor's giving some magic tapping there. Oh, I like that a lot. Yeah, that's... Oh! All right, little league, you want to go? You want to go? You want some of this? Try this, man. -I'm dancing, man. -Sit on the beanbag. -Hey, I started dancing. -Hit the beanbag. Troy, I guess you don't want them, huh? -I'm not dancing. -This is worth tickets. This is totally stupid, man. Fine, maybe, hey, hold out for the Royals, huh? You're on a total power trip, you know that, man? This is totally ridiculous. Ben, I was dancing first, remember? You said dance, I started dancing. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You call that Yankee dancing? No, no, that's like Devil Ray dancing, okay? That's Devil Ray. I'm talking about Yankee dancing. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, get into it. Yeah, how bad do you want it? -Yeah, that's nice! I love... -(knocking) Come on in! -That's right, come on. -I want those tickets, baby. (disco music continues) # Yowza, yowza, yowza... # That's right... I'm da... (music stops) Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming in until tomorrow. You look fantastic. I got in last night. You know Troy, Kevin and Gerard already, right? Everyone else this is Lindsey! LINDSEY: Hi. Hey, Linds. Party? No, it's draft day. This is the day we organize the whole season. Like, who gets to go to what game with me. But don't worry, you're still going to Opening Day. Thank you. Uh, can I talk to you about something really quickly? Sure, yeah, no problem. Quick break, everybody. There's some nice Pakistani cold cuts there, courtesy of Mr. Segal. I still don't think they're worth two Sunday tickets. -Ooh! Ooh! -Hey. Hey. Wait, I got you something. I set aside some great games for you, too. Hmm? For when we go to the games together. Thanks. It's what the players wear. It's authentic. I got to be honest, this is getting me hot. Uh, listen, um, you know, I saw you on ESPN. Oh, we looked like morons, didn't we? Uh, yeah, yeah, total. Not you so much, but... Well, it's very hot, you know? It's Florida... you start seeing things. Um, you know, Ben, I didn't realize how... big this Red Sox thing is with you. What... hey, I told you. See, this, it always happens. Every time I... Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't jump off a building. We're just talking. Oh. Sorry. Knee jerk. Hey, Ben, come on, man! The cold cuts are gone! Let's go in there. Two minutes! Wow, I really hit a nerve there, didn't I? Uh... (clears throat) Yeah. Come here. Thank you. I think there's a better approach to this whole Red Sox thing. Really? Yeah, after all, if I want this promotion, I am going to have to push myself really hard this summer, at servicing myself, my job and a relationship. Wait, wait... we're not breaking up, are we? No, no. -This is a good thing. -Okay. You're going to be so consumed with all of this, that you won't feel neglected all summer. No, no, no, yeah. I'm not going to feel neglected. And I won't feel guilty for having to do my job. Yeah, you shouldn't. So, what I'm saying is, I think this is perfect. All right. Go Sox. # Two! Three! Four! # # "Tessie, 'nuff said," McGreevey shouted # # We're not here to mess around # Hey, we got it right here, folks! Come on down, cut your deficit and balance your budget! Programs here! They're two dollars here. # Don't blame us if we ever doubt you # # You know we couldn't live without you, Tessie... # (cheering) Hi! Hey! Hi. Peanuts! Cracker Jacks! Who wants peanuts?! Who wants Cracker Jacks? Peanuts! Cracker Jacks! It's unbelievable, right? I can't believe how... Look, right here, go. -Thank you. -This is it. Isn't this amazing? Right, is this crazy? I mean, will you look at these seats? They're... They're very red. No, I mean, their proximity to the field. -This is Fenway Park. -Oh. You can't buy these seats. You have to, like, inherit them. It's, like, uh, a guy offered me $100,000 for these once. Really, and you didn't sell them? No, no, no, if I ever need the money that bad, I can always call up a rich old lady and give her some sweet loving, you know? That's what I'm all about. Hey what's up, Al? How you doing? I'm on dialysis. Right on, buddy. Hey, Al, this is Lindsey. Hi, Al Waterman. Here, have a sponge. Thank you. Al was the first guy I ever met at my first Red Sox game ever. -Really? -Yeah, he's aged horribly. -Hey! -Hey, the Dunlaps. This is Artie, babe. This is Lindsey. -Hi, Lindsey. -Hello. -Hi. Hello. Been divorced 20 years, still share the seats. -Really? -Hey, Ben! Sherry! - How you doing? Where's Teresa? - She's right here. Oh, my God. What happened? You look fantastic. I lost 200 pounds. I had my stomach stapled shut. - A doctor or you did it yourself? - (groaning) - Oh, real funny. (laughing) This is quite a little group you have here. Well, it's my summer family. CHILD: # For the landing of the free # # And the home of the brave... # ANNOUNCER: Let's hear it for Jordan Leandrey! Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out the first ball today, New England's own Stephen King. (crowd cheering) Right down the middle. Well, did you tell Schuyler? Okay, all right. Listen, um... Excuse me, what time is the game over? Um, it's not like a Broadway musical where it ends with like a big Hawaiian number. I mean, it's like, you're missing all the ambiance, all the fun, like, the players are right there. I know, it's just that I have a meeting at 5:30 and I had to leave work at noon to meet you here -so my people aren't prepared. -Right. Okay. You know what? I left work early, so you're going to have to figure it out for yourself and I'll call you later. (groaning) That's a foul. LINDSEY: What makes that a foul? See that foul pole? That's Pesky's pole. That's this guy, Johnny Pesky... Yeah! (crowd cheering) Hey, what are you doing on Saturday? You tell me. ENGINE RUMBLES, REVS ENGINE REVS INDISTINCT CHATTER TENSE MUSIC HEARTBEAT THUDS ENGINE REVS GEARS CRANK, ENGINE REVS, TYRES PEAL Whoo! ENGINE ROARS, TYRES PEAL Yo! TYRES SQUEAL Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I feel like I'm in a game. BOTH: Whoo! EXCITING MUSIC LAUGHTER, TYRES SQUEAL Far out! BOTH LAUGH This is insane! POWERFUL MUSIC -Hmm? -You can't fake it. You know, anything else in life, you don't have to be great in. Business, music, art, I mean, you can get lucky. -Really? -Yeah, you can fool everyone for a while, you know? It's like... not baseball. You can either hit a curve ball or you can't. That's the way it works, you know? You can have a lucky day, sure, but you can't have a lucky career. It's a little like math. It's orderly. Win or lose, it's fair. It all adds up. It's, like, not as confusing or as ambiguous as, uh... Life? Yeah. It's... It's safe. Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yes! Whoo! (cheering, hooting) - Hey. - Hi. What, did you buy out the bookstore? Actually, I bought every book they had on the Red Sox, because I'm tired of being the most ignorant person here. Now who is Carl Yazuhstruzem... ALL: Yastrzemski. -She's not a genius, this one. -No. Johnny Damon! You've got the sweetest ass in the league! Really nice. (chuckling): Do you believe in this, "The Curse of the Bambino?" Hey, seriously, that's not funny, that's not funny. But Babe Ruth was the Bambino. That's right, yeah, yeah. He played for the Red Sox. They were great, I mean, they were the Yankees. They won the World Series in 1912, 1915, 1916, 1918. They were royalty. The elite. Al should know. He was there, actually. He's 136 years old. He looks great for his age. In 1919, their miserable, greedy, pig of a boss decides to sell Babe Ruth to the Yankees to finance a Broadway musical. "No, No, Nanette." I would never, ever see that piece of crap. And since 1918, the Red Sox have not won a World Series. Yeah, the Yankees have won 26. And the thing is, the Sox don't just lose, they raise it to an art form. Tony C., best young player in baseball, catches one in the eye at 22, he's finished at 26. Armbrister runs into Carlton Fisk, cost us the series. -Bucky friggin' Dent. -Ugh! Remember the time Roger Miret went catatonic? The grounds crew had to carry him out of here in a wheelbarrow. -Buckner. -(others groaning) Grady Little sticking with Pedro in the eighth inning. Ooh, stop it. You're killing me here. And that, m'lady, is the Curse of the Bambino. BEN: Okay, I'm ready. Let's go meet Mom and Dad. (quiet groan) Nothing? Not a laugh? A giggle? This is not a man's closet. What do you mean? You have one pair of dress shoes. You're like a man-boy. Half man, half boy. You should see the way my sister's husband dresses. -It's like suit, suit, suit. -All right, okay, okay. I see what this is all about. You want your parents to like me more than they like your brother-in-law. No, it's not... Yes. Is it... so horrible that I want my parents to like you? Okay, I think we have enough stuff in this closet. We can fool them. WOMAN: He looks like a skunk. You're the one that told me to grow it out. Well, what else could I say? It looked ridiculous on you. A man your age... I understand that you're a teacher, right? You were? Yes, for 27 years. And, okay, and now you're the principal, right? Mm-hmm. And you... did you ever tell me what your dad does? I sell golf carts. Wow, okay. That gives us nothing to talk about. I don't really know much about that. That's funny, 'cause every other guy she's gone out with has tried to get a free golf cart out of me. I like golf, great sport, but it's just, like, I don't really get out much, you know? -We love it. -Yeah? They play all the time. We tried to get on the country club here, but it's very difficult, it's almost impossible. I had to call the manufacturer of my golf carts, -a guy named Dave Johnson... -Jenson. No, Dave Johnson. -Jenson. -Jenson? -Mm-hmm. -Hi, sorry we're late. He was watching the Red Sox game. -Yeah, how'd they do? -No, no. La-la-la-la! Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. La-la! Help me. Help me! Help me. La-la-la-la-la- la-la-la. Okay, okay. Okay. -La-la-la-la. -Okay, it's stopped. -It stopped. Stop it. Stop it. -Pah-pah-pah-pah... Whew! Um... Thank you. Yeah. Ben tapes the Red Sox game so he doesn't want to know the score and he can't cover his own ears 'cause he's got lobster fingers, so I do it. That's... sweet. Hey, how'd it go last night? Mr. Marcin wants to see you. If one of the windows would open, I would jump. And your mom's on line one. Hi, Mom. MOM: Hi, honey. Hi, listen, where are you? Can I call you back? (Mom responds indistinctly) What?! You had a 10:00 a.m. flight. (Mom speaking indistinctly) My Ben? Yes, he has been great. He took us out to breakfast. Right now, he's washing your father's balls... What?! Here's one. DAD: Thanks, Ben. He got us a 10:00 a.m. tee time at the country club. How? MOM: I don't know, uh... One of his student's fathers has something to do with the sprinklers? -Can I talk to him for a second? -Oh, sure. Benny? Lindsey. Oh, thanks. Hi, Linds. Hey, what are you doing? Took a sick day. All right. Well, I'll see you tonight then. All right, bye-bye. Honey... Sweetheart, don't talk in my back swing. Well, you were lined up wrong. I wasn't lined up. I... Please, don't talk in my back swing. You know better than that. No, go on ahead, just take a Mulligan. Lighten up. He's so short with me. I know, I know, but you know what? You talked in his back swing. Did you talk in his back swing? Yes, yes, I did. Don't even look at him. Look this way. Let him swing. (Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" intro playing) # Where it began... # (fans chanting): Manny! Manny! Manny! # I can't begin to know # # But then I know it's growin' strong... # # Was in the spring # # And spring became the summer # # Who'd have believed you'd come along # # Hands... # # Touching hands # # Reaching out # # Touching me # # Touching you... # ALL: # Sweet Caroline # # Buh! Buh! Buh! # # Good times never seemed so good # # So good! So good! So good! # # I've been inclined # (cheering) # To believe they never would... # (cheering, whooping) (panting) MAN (voice-over): She handled the projects for a food service company just like yours a few months ago. Gave them a model predicting the impact of every possibility. Sounds like what I need. You'll love her. This lady is a dynamo. Unstopp... able (softly snoring) When she wakes up, I want to see her. Uh, let's go for a coffee. ROBIN: You know what's happening here? You're being colonized. What? Colonized, it's like in the old days when the French and the English would go into Asia and Africa and they'd raise their flags and they'd impose their culture and they'd colonize. It's like, Sarah-- when you cut your hair off because that guy liked short hair. Well, wait a minute, I mean, you guys are married. Isn't that a part of it? Accommodating each other? You know, how many kids are we going to have? Where are we going to live? What pizza place are we going to order from? Doesn't it require some pliability? Because maybe that's something I've been lacking in my life. Isn't it affecting your work? No, not so much. You know what I just realized? You're rooting for her relationship to fail. - No. - What?! That's right. Why would I do that? Never mind. No. No, come on, tell me. All right. You and Lindsey are both very competitive, especially with each other. She's more competitive than I am. -I am not. -And when you were both starting out, you were the more successful one, but now Lindsey's career has skyrocketed, so she's more successful. But you've had the personal success, the marriage, and if Lindsey gets that too, then she's definitely the winner, so you're rooting against her. (gasping) Oh, my God! What did I do?! What the...? That's it. We are so not coming here anymore. FANS: Let's go, Red Sox! (rhythmic clapping) Let's go, Red Sox! (rhythmic clapping) Let's go, Red Sox...! (crowd cheering) (ball smacks glove) (fans booing) FAN: Hey, Ump! Get off your knees! You're blowing the game! (fans laughing) Al Waterman. Have a sponge, young man. She's killing me with the laptop. Sitting there doing her homework. So, uh, when do you find out about this promotion thing? Uh, next month. Oh, cool. I just wanted to know how long we gotta put up with this. Uh... it's a ball game... (mutters) it's not a... Ben, this is my third game this week. - Oh, no, I know that. - And I always have to leave at 6:00 to be here on time, and then we don't get home till 11:00. Then you and I go at it all night. - And then that's all time lost. - Really? Well, when I say "lost," I mean it's time that I have to make up, you know. I know, I know. I just... I already got my ass chewed out by my boss this week. VENDOR: Hot dogs here! Okay? Okay. Yo! -Hot dogs! -(announcer speaks indistinctly) Fenway Frank? Bleh... One, please. Mustard, please. Thank you. Four. -Four dollars? -Play ball! (fans clapping) -(thud) -(fans gasp) (cheering) (machine humming) No, they didn't find anything. She's fine, I swear. -She's lying down right no... -(phone beeps) Molly? Okay, there's another phone call coming in, okay? Check in later. Okay, bye-bye. Hello? Troy. You're kidding me! Now?! All right, thanks. Bye. Honey, you're on television. TV ANNOUNCER: ...trucks and more trucks. Come and get 'em at... SPORTSCASTER: And the Red Sox picked up the "W." There was a scary moment, though, in this one in the sixth inning, when Miguel Tejada hit a vicious foul ball off Mike Myers that actually hit a woman. (fans cheering) BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: Ball one is fouled off back and into the seats. ANCHORWOMAN: Ooh, that had to hurt. (laughs) (cheering) She was transported to a local hospital, but fortunately she was released and she's gonna be all right. (Fox Sports theme music playing) (turns off TV) It wasn't that bad, actually. It was... actually very ladylike. I mean, you just kind of... sl-slinked out of your chair. It was pretty limber. All right, I'll let you sleep. No, Ben... Gah...! You have a whole nother head up there. Yeah, well, the one that can talk needs to say something. I don't think that I should go to the games anymore. Why? Because of this? No, because I'm becoming someone that I hate. Someone who gets a boyfriend and poof, their entire prior life just vanishes. I have to focus on my work right now. I have to. And besides, you'll have such a better time if you go with Troy or Gerard or the bald anaesthesiologist. No, come on, you have to go. Please? And when the game is over, you'll come racing home like you're scoring the winning run, and I'll be here waiting. Waiting? (sultry): I'll be waiting. Yeah. Ooh! You know, all this talk about waiting, it's, uh... (chuckles) Ben, I'm concussed. Yeah, that's... that's kind of the way I like it. (giggles) You know, I have to keep the peas on my forehead. Okay, try to balance it. (giggling): Okay... (knocking) Hi. Hello. I told your bosses, but I wanted to tell you: The work you did for us was brilliant. Oh, well, I really appreciate you saying that. Uh, Patrick Lyons, this is Carrie. CARRIE: Hi. Nice to see you again. - Nice to see you. - Excuse me. You know, they're really very lucky to have you here. Oh... I-I-I feel the same way. To be here, I feel very lucky. Here, I got it. Um, thank you. You're welcome. I was, um, just... trying to get comfortable. Well, don't get too comfortable. You might fall asleep. (giggles) (cheering) BEN: Come on, come on! Use your brain! Use your brain! Oh, there's a lead! We almost have an answer! Use your head! Oh, Tammy's in the lead! We might have a winner! We might have a winner right here. Tammy won! 337 feet, two inches to the Green Monster. Ooh, Laudie, I'm very sorry but you can have our home game. Don, what does she win? Excuse me... It's a little loud, don't you think? Uh, sorry, Mr. Ennis. The kids' drugs just kicked in. (kids laughing) ENNIS: Oh, ha-ha. Teenage drug use-- that's great fodder for comedy. (mouthing) (kids laughing) (laughing continues) -(door shuts) -All right, you guys. We're almost out of time. Pack up. Remember, we've got a big test -next Tuesday, so sta... -(students groan) Hey, back off! Back, back, back! You animals! Back! (imitates whip cracking) Hey, one of the ten problems on your handout will be on the test. I'm not going to tell you which one, so you're going to have to learn all of them. (whispers): Seven. (bell rings) All right, study, you maniacs. And remember, this Saturday is fall tryouts for next spring's JV baseball. Just to avoid the confusion that we had last year, let me say that this year, we're looking for good players. Hi. Hey. What are you doing? I have very exciting news. I couldn't wait to tell you. You got the promotion? No, no. But Mr. Meyerson did call me into his office, right after we spoke and I was trying to play it cool. But between you and me, I was ready to wash his balls. (chuckles): Yeah, see, that joke's not fun for me. (giggles) I'm sorry. Let me explain. There's this European company that we're trying to make a deal with, okay? And what they do... You know what? The point is, they're sending me to Paris to close the deal. Wow! And I am taking vous. Moi? Oui. You're taking me to Paris? (laughing) Oh, this is going to be so great. Okay, I'm going to cash in my first-class ticket and get two seats. All you have to do, Mr. Wrightman, is call in sick tomorrow -and we're on our way. -(snaps fingers) - Wait, it's tomorrow? - Mm-hmm. - This weekend? - Yeah. - It's now? Yeah. We'll fly back Sunday afternoon, but with the time change, you'll be back at work on Monday morning. BEN: Uh... Yeah, uh... I... I-I got to be honest. This-This isn't the best weekend for me. - I'm kind of swamped. - Oh, no. Do you have a lot of work? Eh, uh... we're two games out of first with three weeks left. Seattle's coming in this weekend... (stammers) This is when they need me. They need you? Wait a second. I was just thinking about it, that's all. A tip, Ben: When your girlfriend says, "Let's go to Paris for the weekend," you go. A-All right, all right. I'll go. I'll go. You'll go? You know what? Actually, I have a better idea. I think I'll take him. Hey, just slow down for a second, okay? Just go and enjoy your ball game. You know, this is the second day in a row you've snapped at me. I'm late. Fine, go. No, Ben. I'm late. How... How late? Um, a week and a half. Okay, that's not that late. Right? No, it is for me. Okay, well, you know what? I mean, we're not the first people to-to, you know... just, you know, when two people, you know the... Deep breaths, Ben. Deep... (clears throat) You know, why-why didn't you say something? Why, so we could both freak out? I mean, I wanted to wait for the right moment. And then when this trip came up, I thought, we'll go to Paris and I'll tell you there, because that did seem special. But no, you don't see us tangled up in the sheets with the Eiffel Tower in the window. You see the Mariners are coming and Pedro's pitching Friday night. Saturday. Schilling's on Friday... Lo-Look... I admit, I should have reacted differently. If I ever build a time machine, that's the first place I'm going back to. All right? I'll be, like, "Paris, whoo! I'm in!" I-I... really, I'm sorry. It's all right. (sighs) But I have a 4:00 flight that I have to catch. All right, I can pack my bags, I mean... We can put some stuff together. We can make this. We can go. No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay. The trip is already off to a weird start, you know? Are-are you... Let's just talk about it when I get back. You sure? Yeah. You sure? Yeah. I could... I could just tell them I'm leaving right now. We're going. No. It's okay. You going to be all right? If you give me a kiss and wish me luck. Good luck. STUDENT: Way to go, Mr. W! STUDENT 2: Yeah! Okay, I'll see you in a couple days, okay? (whispers): Yeah. Okay. (students laughing, talking in distance) Are you smoking? What are you doing? I'm a teacher! That's an insult. Put it out! Get back in class, come on. ANNOUNCER: So the 30-year-old is on course. He is the four-time USA winner... (phone ringing) Hello? LINDSEY: I got it. Linds? Mm. I got it. The promotion? My period. I can tell you were sleeping, so I'll call you later. No, no, no. I'm up. I'm up. I'm up. No, it's okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Hey, Linds? Yeah? Are you okay? Yeah. Have a safe flight. Okay. Bye. (hangs up) (gentle melancholy music plays) I'll get it... No, no, I got it, I got it, I got it. - Thank you. - You want me to take it up? No, I'm okay. I'm just going to go upstairs. Mmm. Bye. Hey. Linds, uh... Did, uh... did you want a baby? Eventually. Well, eventually, you will. Well, it certainly got me thinking, that's for sure. What do you mean? for eleven months, and I think I might be having his child, I'm going to ask myself, "Is this the guy?" And if it is, what's this going to be like? You know, if we're to be Mr. and Mrs. Ben and Lindsey, how's this going to work? It's like Robin's birthday party, you know. The minute I got the invitation, I had to run to the refrigerator and check the Red Sox schedule. And the Yankees are playing, so I know I'm going stag. And that's okay. I'm fine with that. But how far does it go? You know, "Grandma, don't die, because the Red Sox are going out on the road, so please wait until they come back to die." And "Doctor, induce labour, because the Oakland A's are coming in tomorrow." This is exactly what you liked about me. That I was capable of having a passionate commitment with something... a-a devotion... Yes, but you feel it for the Red Sox, and I was hoping that someday... you might redirect that. All those things that you feel for that team, I feel them, too. For you. (gentle melody plays) Know what she's saying to me, Ryan? She's saying I have an addiction. Really? Well, you work 90 hours a week. You know, that... I guess that addiction is more socially acceptable, you know? Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Well, nobody is really wrong in these situations. I mean, you have wants and needs, she likewise. Wait for your pitch, Mioski! But she's great. She's great. (bat hitting ball) Definitely the best girl I've ever gone out with. The-The smartest, the funniest, the best-looking... The sex is like... (stammers): I'm... But there's a reason why she's 30 and not married. I mean, oh, you ought to see the big deal she's making about her friend's birthday party. Oh, God, she's making a federal case about it. I'm, like, hey, what if I had to work that night? What if I had a second job, you know? What if I was doing charity work? Is that cool? What if I'm, like, finishing a painting? Is that... that... you understand me now? You see my point? It's not the time; it's that she doesn't respect how I'm spending my time. You know, now she expects me to miss a Yankees game? (chuckles) MAN: Let's go, Murph! -You're up. -Hey, batter, batter... All right, Mr. Wrightman. I got to bat. Let me just leave you with this thought: You love the Sox. But have they ever loved you back? Who are you, Dr. Phil? Get out of here. Go, Go, Go swing the bat. Pedro delivers. Pedro delivers. The ball is lined over Bellhorn's head into right-centre field. That'll get another run across, as the Yankees extend their lead. (mellow jazz playing) Benny boy, I still can't believe you're not at the Yankee game. Yeah, well, if the Yankees looked that good in a dress, I'd be at the game. (clinking on glass) There's no way to measure what she is worth. I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth. -(crowd cooing) -Her, uh... -(laughter) -Hang on, hang on. Okay, "I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth. "Her face, her form, her sweet, loving smile, "and she even lets me dance around in her panties once in a while." My parents are here! Really embarrassing. (chuckles) Really bad. (laughs) I love you, birthday girl. I love you. (big band music playing) (pop music playing) # And so the conversation turned # # Until the sun went down # # And many fantasies were learned # # On that day... # (up-tempo dance music playing) (jaunty saxophone solo playing) # Have I a hope for half a chance # # To even ask if I could dance with you # # Yoo-hoo # # Would you greet me or politely turn away? # # Would there suddenly be sunshine on a... # -(Ben humming lively tune) -Good night. (Sox game playing over radio) What's up, my man? Oh, the game! No, no, no. Hey... it's fine, it's fine. It's fine. Okay. ANNOUNCER: ...against this powerful New York Yankee offense. Six-nothing Yankees. (chuckles) ANNOUNCER: Timlin to the belt. Here's the pitch. -(crack of the bat) -Swung on, a drive hit high and deep... and this one is gone! Seven-nothing. ANNOUNCER: ...home run of the night... Hey, it's only a game. That was, like... (laughs) Yeah. I mean... I mean, you were... (whispers): Thank you. Not-Not just physically. I mean... I felt like... like we were... Mm-hmm. (laughs) I think this might be the greatest night of my life. (phone ringing) Hello? This is Troy! Get Ben on the phone! Hold on. I think it's Troy. It's really noisy. Hey, do you want some food? Yeah. Okay. -(shouting, cheering over line) -Hello? Hey, what's that noise? Ben, we won! We won! We were losing seven-nothing in the bottom of the ninth! We scored eight runs! Ten straight hits! It was unbelievable, man! It's the greatest night in the history of Fenway Park! (over phone): Can you hear this? It's bedlam here, man! Hey, by the end, the stands were literally shaking! The fire marshal had to... (Troy shouting indistinctly, crowd cheering wildly) (over phone): It was unbelievable, man! The one game you missed! You missed the greatest game ever! -This is an historic night, -(cheering over TV) Natalie, and word is, these ticket stubs are already getting $200 on the street. MAN (over TV): I have seen at least a dozen women celebrating topless in the streets. Moments ago, I witnessed a nun dancing on top of a moving vehicle. I have seen police officers toasting beer with underage children. It is absolute bedlam down here. Right now, I think we're witnessing the largest conga line ever. I tell you what, if you are not down here right now, you are missing one heck of a party. (turns off TV) (panting, whimpering) # There are three eggs in a Spanish omelette... # (whistling melody) Hi. Would you like an omelette? They... won. The Red Sox?! Oh, good! This really is your night. No, y-you don't understand. They scored eight runs in the bottom of the ninth to win eight-seven. It was the best game ever. I-I-I can't... I never miss a game. Ever. This is, like, a nightmare. No, this is beyond that-- this is, like, a punishment from God -or something. -Two minutes ago, you said this was the best night of your life. Yeah, two minutes ago it was. Hey, I didn't tell you not to go. Oh, no. No, no, of course not. No. Are you kidding? You had nothing to do with it. I just suddenly had a whim, after 11 years of never missing an inning, to suddenly not go to a Yankees game. LINDSEY: Hey! (Ernie whimpers) (groans) Wasn't it you yourself that said just tonight, "It's only a game"? Oh, that's great. That's great. Pile it on, yeah. Kick me when I'm down. -That's great. -It is just a game. Clearly it's not just a game! If it was, then obviously I wouldn't care about it this much. 23 years. Do you still care about anything you cared about 23 years ago? How about ten? How about five? Name me a single thing that you've cared about for 23 years. Yeah, no, um... there isn't actually anything I've wanted for 23 years, because 23 years ago, I was seven, and if I still wanted to marry Scott Baio, I would think that my life went terribly wrong. I... I just thought tonight was so different. You broke my heart, Ben. (softly): Hey... (excited talking in distance) -Come on! -(man whooping) (whooping) Yeah, baby, it's ours! has certainly taken a turn for the worse. Losing the last three games, and today, trailing to the Texas Rangers. Curse of the Bambino. To think we quit our jobs for that road trip? It's not a curse. Did you know the Titanic sank the same week Fenway Park opened? April 1912. Aw... Well, that's it. The Yankees officially clinched the division. Seven years in a row now, we finish with our faces in their butts. Hey, hey, hey, it's not time to jump off the Tobin Bridge yet, okay? We still have the wildcard. Oh, that's easy-- first we got to beat Oakland or Anaheim on the road, then we got to play the Yankees in the House of Pain. Why do we inflict this on ourselves? Why? I'll tell you why. 'Cause the Red Sox never let you down. Huh? That's right. I mean... Why, 'cause they haven't won a World Series in a century or so? So what? They're here. Every April, they're here. At 1:05 or at 7:05, there is a game. If it gets rained out, guess what? They make it up to you. Does anyone else in your life do that? The Red Sox don't get divorced. This is a real family. This is the family that's here for you. You know, I don't ask her to give up her family, do I? Come on, huh? Let's get some runs! Let's get some runs! You know the best part? I can get over her because I am a Red Sox fan. I mean, I'm tough, I've been through a lot in this park, man. I can take this, because I am bulletproof. ANNOUNCER: ...at second base with two out. Three and two to Mookie Wilson. Little roller up along first. Behind the bag! It gets through Buckner! Here comes Knight, and the Mets win it! (video rewinding) -(pounding on door) -Open the door, man! SCULLY: Little roller up along first. Behind the bag! It gets through Buckner! -(video rewinds) -Oh, my God. The Buckner game? I thought you took that away from him! I did! SCULLY: Behind the bag! It gets through Buckner! Here comes Knight, and the Mets win it! It wasn't just Buckner. Stanley screwed him. He didn't cover first. Where'd you get this? I-I don't remember. Don't lie to me. All right, do you have any more of these? Huh? Where's your stash? Ben, this isn't helping you. Do you understand that? This solves nothing! Ben, look at you. Eh, leave me alone. All right. Let's clean him up. Come on. I let her down. Let's go. -I am the Red Sox. -You're not the Red Sox. -I am the Red Sox. -You're not the Red Sox! Get him up on the shoulder there, Gerard. I got the shoulder right now. What are you doing? Relax. I'm a doctor. Yeah, well, not to pry, Doc, but why are you shaving my balls? Well, if you don't want me to... No, I don't want you to. Whatever. ANNOUNCER: Bottom of the tenth. Swing, and a fly ball into left field! Way back! Way back! The Red Sox are going to the American League Championship Series on the back of David Ortiz! All right, you've been waiting all year for this. The Yankees-Red Sox, the best rivalry in sports, starts tonight, 8:00, Yankee Stadium. Let's get it on. ANNOUNCER: The two-two pitch. Miller back to Rivera. To second for one, on to first. Double play! And the Yankees take game one. The Yankees are a strike away. Here's a one-two pitch. Struck him out swinging! That'll wrap it up. For the second night in a row, the Yankees have beaten the Red Sox. Here's the two-oh. Miller flies to centre. Bernie Williams is there. And the Yankees have won it! The end of a long night, and perhaps the end for the Boston Red Sox, losing tonight, 19 to eight, now falling in the series, three games to none. I mean, this thing is over. They keep swinging the bats the way they are, Don, this-this thing's done. (music playing softly) 19 to eight. Good God! Will you stop saying that? Okay? Now, who we pitching tomorrow? What's the difference? We're losing three games to nothing to the Yankees. In a hundred years, no team in the playoffs has ever come back from that. It's over, it's finished, bye, wave to it. Bye, Charlie. Bye, Charlie. Whoa... Isn't that... Jason Veritek? Yeah. That is him. With Johnny Damon and Trot. They're eating. So what? So what? We're sitting here dining on our guts over the Red Sox, and-and there, three members of the Red Sox are eating... with gusto? Ironic. Ironic? Ted Williams would roll over in his freezer if he saw this. Would you please be cool? Why shouldn't they eat? Th... They played hard, they did their best; move on. I kind of envy these guys. You know? No, they understand something that we don't. Their whole life is not on that field; it's their job. It's not an obsession. My God! It's official-- I'm an idiot. (pleasant, up-tempo music playing) (people laughing) LINDSEY: That's funny, because I was gonna say you and me... (music playing) LINDSEY: Can you get the door? MAN: Sure. Hello. Uh... is-is Lindsey... Who are you? I'm Patrick. Who are you? I-I'm Ben. Oh, Ernie! Stop it, Ernie. Please. Hey, Ern. -(Ernie growls) -Ernie! Ernie, be nice. You be a good boy, now. Come on. Sorry. (footsteps approaching) Ben. Hi. Uh... what, are you having a party? Uh, a group of us, um, just had this work thing, and then some of us came back here after. Um, I'm gonna talk to him, okay? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm good. Are you... are you on a date? No. It's... it's a work thing, and I didn't want to go alone, so, you know, Carrie and Ezra are here as well. Oh, so it's a double date. Well, that's... perfect, that's great. Ben, what are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you. I... (sighs) I can't believe you're on a date. This is, like... I'm not. Yeah, well, you know what? Look, I-I'll call you. Sorry I bothered you. I-I'll call you. No, no, this is crazy. I'm sorry. I came here for a reason, all right? Look, I love you, Lindsey, and I think that we should give us another chance. Did you hear me? Ben... Well, look, look, look, look, y-you finish your evening, all right, I'll hang out here, and when you're done with your date, we'll get married. I don't think so. Hey, what are you saying? I mean... You know, you said you wanted more. I mean, this is as more as there is. There is no more. Yes, but this isn't you-- this is the other guy. What other guy? It's October. They're one game from elimination. You're becoming Winter Guy again. I already know I like Winter Guy. It's Summer Guy that broke my heart. Summer Guy is gone. (chuckles): Yes. Until Summer. No, no, no, look, I... Lindsey, I realize, like... Ben... just too much has happened. (stammers) All right, look, look, uh, when the whole baby thing happened, I admit I froze, all right? I thought of a million different reasons why I shouldn't be a father. But then I thought of a reason why I should. Because it would be ours. You know? It's pieces of us. And I got so excited, I mean, like, I went and I got a whole bunch of Red Sox toys and a little-sized one, a Red Sox jersey, I still have it, for... whenever. Really hurt. Really hurt. And sometimes... when that happens... (sighs) something inside just shuts off. I'm sorry. (door closes) (crying) # I never felt magic crazy as this # # I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea # # I never held emotion in the palm of my hand # # Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree # # But now you're here # # Brighten my northern sky... # Oh, none for me. Oh, come on, since when did you stop drinking? -Yeah. Since I... got pregnant. (gasping, squealing) Molly! I knew it! You did not. Mm-hmm. I told Lindsey, I said, "Look, her boobs look engorged." - Was Steve excited? - Are you kidding? He ran out and bought him/her a little train engineer hat. -(cell phone rings) -They do that, don't they? -Hello? It's Chris! -Little hats and shit... -Guess what? You've got to come with me. -Molly's pregnant. -What's the matter? Mr. Meyerson just announced you got the promotion. Oh, my...! Sorry. I got it? Oh, my God, now my breasts are engorged! That was Lindsey. -She got her promotion. -He's waiting. He's holding champagne. Everybody's got a glass. I told him you're in the ladies' room. Oh, thank you. Okay. Wait, I got to... I'm so sorry, I got to go. Go. Go. Okay. Guess what Chris is doing right now. He's buying Ben's baseball tickets. What?! Ben is selling Chris his Red Sox tickets. Lindsey, please, let's go! Wait, you mean, like, um, for today? No, I mean, like, forever. For $125,000, it better be forever. Are you guys that rich? Yeah. Why don't you dress better? LINDSEY: Wait. Wait-wait-wait-wait. Ben-- my Ben-- is selling his Red Sox seats? To hell with the seats. They're holding champagne. Come on! CROWD: Let's go, Red Sox! (rhythmic clapping) Let's go, Red Sox! (bat cracks, crowd cheers) You know what you're doing is illegal. That's right. Technically, if you give up your tickets, you're supposed to give them to the Red Sox. Hey, we're friends, okay? They'll still be in his name. They'll mail them to him, then he'll give them to me. Does the guy with the big squash always sit in front of you? He's new. I mean, I don't know. Hey, look, do you want the tickets or not? -Come on. -Ow! Shame on you. Your Uncle Carl saw 3,000 games from these seats. He's going to come back and haunt you for this. (workers applauding) -Speech. -Speech. Let's go, come on. Well, first, thank you Mr. Meyerson. Um... The truth is, I like it here. I like this work. I know what I'm doing when I'm here. In fact, it's the only place where I know what I'm doing. This is, uh, controllable. It's safe. Oh, my God. He's selling his Red Sox tickets for me. What have I ever given up for anybody that meant that much? I'm sorry, I know this seems crazy, but I got to go. You realize you're selling your seats for exactly the same price they sold Babe Ruth for. You said it yourself. Relationships come and go, but the Red Sox are forever. I want my sponges back. Would you be selling these tickets if we were winning? I bet you wouldn't. We're never winning. That's the point. We're down three games to nothing. It's 4-3, they got Rivera warming up in the bullpen. ANNOUNCER: The designated hitter, number 18, John Olerud. Look, if I keep these seats, all I'll think about every time I'm here is... is what I gave up for them.