1 BELL RINGS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (SCREAMS) I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the milk duds. You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either. Touche. To the top, please. Swim, my pretties. Ah, sacre bleu! The deadly poke of Zorro! What the...? 'N'? What does 'N' stand for? No, no, it's a 'Z.' I am Zorro. 'Z' for Zorro. I have come to return King Arthur to the throne. It's a history lesson come to life. No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. Quiet! Here come The Ninjas. (NINJA-LIKE GRUNTS AND PUNCHES) What part of 'stop cutting my dress off'... don't you understand? Ha-ha! 'SP'? The Scarlett Pimpernel? We're just, uh... friends. She's lying! Chop her head off! Your honour has been insulted. This will not stand. Ooh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. You're pouring hot butter on my leg! Sh-sh-shh! (SOPRANO SINGING ARIA FROM CARMEN) Sir, I demand satisfaction! I challenge you to a duel. Oh! ALL GASP Do you accept, or are you a coward? I... am a coward! AUDIENCE CHEERS Whoo! You go, Zorro! I, King Arthur, declare Zorro... the new king of England! Yes! CROWD CHEERS RAP SINGER: # From the 'Z' to the 'O' to the double 'R-O' # # he's the dude in the mask from the barrio, # with his horse and his mask and his big old sword. # He'll cut your butt from a '52 ford. # Ho, move it, Q-tip. Ha. Why, that little... he insulted your honour! Sir, I demand satisfaction. Are you crazy, dude? I challenge you to a duel. Ha-ha! The dude is crazy. Will you duel, or are you a coward? Would a coward do this? Bye! CROWD CHEERS My hero! Uh, uh, uh, 'H' is for Homer! Thanks, Homer. I told you not to drink all those Frescas before we got in the car. Mother, please! You're embarrassing me. No, I'm not. Seymour needs the toilet! His bladder's full... full of urine! Yeah, thanks. It's just past the end of the bar... next to the heavyset guy. 'Heavyset'? What's that supposed to mean? All right, take it easy. Take it easy. I'm just saying you ain't no, uh, Tommy Tune. No Tommy Tune, eh?! Oh, that's it. You insulted my honour. I... your what now? I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel. Hey, a duel? I, uh... isn't that a little extreme? Here, here, have a free beer. Really? But you've never given anyone a free beer. Yeah, I ain't never been slapped... with no duelling glove before either. Wow, a free beer. And I owe it all to a little glove slap. TO TUNE OF 'LOVE SHACK' # Glove slap. # Baby, glove slap... # A glove slap to a little old face will... # get you satisfaction. # Glove slap baby. # Glove slap. # Baby, glove slap. # Glove slap. #I don't take crap. # Glove slap. # Shut your big trap. Coming through. Challenge duel. Hi, Lenny. How dare you. Demand satisfaction. Sir, your challenge is accepted. Huh? I agree to the duel, sir. I choose pistols at dawn. Pistols at dawn?! Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says 'sir'? You'll need a will and a headstone. Aisle six. Aisle six?! Oh... Duelling at dawn? How did it ever come to this? The national weather service says dawn is still scheduled for 6.20 tomorrow, and to please stop calling. Oh, Homer, I bet that southern colonel doesn't even show up. Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you. Sir, that is an insult! I challenge you... what?! Oh... (SCREAMS) (PANTS WITH FEAR) Oh, honey, I had the worst nightmare. This glove kept slapping people and I was getting blamed. CAR HORN PLAYS 'DIXIE' COLONEL: Sir! I say, sir! The time has come! Yow! Oh, no! He's out there, isn't he? I'm afraid so, and his wife's with him. (HOMER GROWLS SALACIOUSLY) Homer! Hey, I'm not dead yet. KNOCK ON DOOR Ohh! Ohh! Save me, Marge; I saved you! Why don't you have the Colonel's wife save you? Oh, Marge, that's in the past. Just let it go. Sir, I say, sir, the hour is upon us, sir. Hello. My husband will be right with you. We're just taking this old... Christmas tree to the dump. Ah, well, now, I wouldn't be much of a southern gentleman if I didn't help you carry that tree. No, no, no, no. You'll get sap on your duelling blouse. Well, at least let me shoot it into smaller pieces for you, ma'am. Well, it's worth a try, don't you... We're fine, Colonel. Good day! Looks like you were saved by a Christmas tree. And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April. Flanders, you got to help me. Is there a southern couple parked in front of my house? Ooh, yes, indeedy, Homer. Looks like they're settling in for a long stay. I was afraid of that. Well, goodbye, my gentle neighbour. You know, I've always wanted to tell you how much... OPERATOR: To continue talking, please deposit 10 cents. Ah, screw it. We can't go back home? Where are we going to live? Ooh! How about that house? That has people living in it. You can see them through the windows. Lousy show-offs. Look! It's Jimmy Carter! Could you build us a house, President Carter? We can't go back to ours. I'm sorry. These are for the truly needy. Yeah. Git your own habitat. Come on, Carter, build us a house, you lazy bum. You have offended me, sir. I challenge you to a... (SQUEALS) Come back here. Why, you... HORN HONKS Come on, move it! Where are we going, Dad? How should I know? Then why are you driving so fast? I... I'm trying to think. What would Zorro do? Zorro! 'Rural route 9'? That's it! We can hide out at the farm where I grew up. You mean Grandpa's old farm? Yeah. It'll be fun. Fresh country air,... apples for the picking, sing-along hay rides... BART: What a dump! Race you to the swimming hole! (GIGGLES) Come on, Ma! Bring the young'uns! There's no leeches! Ow! Ow! Ow! Lots of snakes, though. (GIGGLES) Whoo! q Holy moley! We can't stay here... it's full of raccoons. Just think of them as cats with rabies. Hello, kitty. Ow! CRIES: Oh-ho-ho... (CHUCKLES) You little scamp. Are we really going to live here and grow crops? Absolutely. This is our big chance. The Simpsons will be reborn as a bunch of gap-toothed bumpkins. I'll dig an outhouse. I'll weed the floor. I'll repress the rage I'm feeling. That's my girl. Let the agriculture begin! All right, let's see what the old girl can do. ENGINE PURRS Mm-hmm. It doesn't sound very 'tractory.' Hang on. ENGINE RUNS ROUGHLY ENGINE RUNS ROUGHLY And there. Now we're talking! Ow! CRASH Dad! Dad! Go get Lassie! Lassie? Lassie? I mean Lisa. DOOR CREAKS Oh, you poor little sheep! No one's sheared you for years. All right, almost done, my little friend. Soon you'll be a nice, cool... Rat! Well, well... look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car. This car was made in Guatemala. Well, pardon us, Mr Gucci Loafers. I bought these shoes from a hobo. Well, la-de-da, Mr Park Avenue Manicure. I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming. Heh. You're not going to grow nothing on the old Simpson place. That's why your daddy abandoned it. Aw, what do you know. Well, I know your soil PH is up around 9.6, and you need it seven to eight, max. Oh, that's just superstition. You watch me. I'll grow something out there. Not if you're planting gummi bears. D-ohh! Wow, Dad, this is the juiciest watermelon I ever tasted. Yeah. I hope I can grow some like that. What are you planting? Oh, a little bit of everything. Something will thrive... in this harsh, merciless soil,... and for those who face nature unafraid, it is they... who reap the... ow! I'm down. Pa! Move the hand brake! (GRUNTS) Oh... that's heaven. Oh, it's been a month. Why won't anything grow? Maybe it needs more fertiliser. I'm only one man, Marge. Well, it's probably just a bad growing season. MAN: Hot diggety! It's up to her eye. Time to harvest, boys! ALL: Whoo! Nice work, Petunia. Here you go. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer. Well, if it isn't Mr Salad Fork. You couldn't grow stink on a monkey. Leave me alone, you big bully. Oh... I'm just razzing you... it's my way. Here, have an ear on me. Aah! More tumbleweed, Lisa? No, thanks. I'm still finishing my thistles. Dad, if we leave for town right now, we could catch the dinner special at Krusty Burger. Sorry, boy. going back to Springfield would be a coward's way out. Wasn't skipping town in the first place a coward's way out? Oh, you're right. (SOBS) Oh... I'm a coward. I've made such a mess of things. (SOBS) If only there was some magic potion that would make those crops grow... Wait a minute. Plutonium? Gee, Homer, isn't that kind of risky? Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not. Hey, Lenny, you sending some outgoing mail? You know it. I'll probably send some tomorrow. I hear that. Easy... careful... steady... time to give mother nature a little goose. HOMER: Well, Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that? It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe? Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules... to free your heart. You got that from a movie poster. Well... when there's nothing left to believe in,... believe in hope. Where'd you get that? From the producers of Waiting To Exhale. Is that plutonium on your gums? Shut up and kiss me. Mmm... 1 CROWS Wake up, honey. It's time to harvest our radioactive supercrop. But it's only been one night. That's all it takes. If we learned one thing... from the Amazing Colossal Man and Grasshopperus,... it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big real fast. But didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett? Only 'cause he tried to reason with him. Oh. Brace yourselves, everybody. You're about to see... the hugest, juiciest, possibly super-intelligent vegetables... man has ever known. You might want to crane your necks upward now... to save time. Ta-da! All right. Now, don't panic. It's possible the giant vegetables are invisible. Aha! Oh! Where are you?! (GRUNTS) Honey, give it up. Oh, you're right. This farm's hopeless. Why didn't I listen to those inbred hicks? I guess I'll just go hang myself in the barn. Homer, no! Let him go, Mom. Wait, Dad. You don't have to kill yourself. This better be good. Something's growing. A sprout! And there's some more. MARGE: What is it? Carrots? Peas? Maybe it's okra. Who cares what it is? It's growing; I've saved the farm. 'GREEN ACRES' THEME PLAYS Look at my babies. This tomato will be Heinz ketchup... and this to-mah-to will be Hunt's catsup. Ugh! Bleah! Tastes like cigarette butts! That's odd. The outside looks like a tomato,... but the inside is brown. Maybe the tomato seeds crossbred with the tobacco seeds. Oh, great. I've got a field full of mutants. Gimme! I want more. I thought you said it tasted terrible. It does. But it's smooth and mild. And refreshingly addictive. Mm-mm. Addictive, eh? 'ToMacco'? That's pretty clever, Dad. I mean, for a product that's evil and deadly. Aw, thanks, honey. I'm not crazy about the plutonium or nicotine,... but it is very nice... to see Bart eating his vegetables. (GRUNTS) Excuse me, Mr Farmer Man. I promised my son he could tip over his first cow and... 'ToMacco'? Yes, it's the latest craze. Try some, won't you? Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Hmm. Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma. (SPITS) Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me, too. We'll take a bushel or a peck or... just give it to me. Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? They're very... Does it have ToMacco in it? No. But I use only... Pass. I was here first. Come on, people! Don't push. There's plenty of ToMacco for everyone. Have your cash or food stamps ready. Don't forget your mincemeat pie! You're scaring the customers, honey. Hello, folks. Would you and your family like to take a ride with us? OK. Meet the Laramie cigarette team. This is Mindy, JP and Emile. Homer, we're in a bit of a pickle. Kids are crazy about tobacco, but the politicians won't let us sell it to them. Those dirty, rotten` Tell me about it. But there's no law against selling kids ToMacco. That little 'M' is worth a lot of money to us... and to you. How much? Well, let's say a hundred... (GASPS) and 50... (GASPS) million dollars. $100...! May I speak to my family for a moment? Did you see the way Emile's looking at Mindy? Hoo-hoo. I think something's going on there. Shouldn't we be talking about the $150 million offer? Oh, yeah. Let's take it. Dad, it's a tobacco company. They make billions off the suffering and deaths of others. She's right, Dad. They can afford a lot more. I'm with Lisa. Let's take 'em to the cleaners. We all agree that $150 million is an insult. The least we can accept is $150 billion! TYRES SCREECH They'll be back. We control the world's supply of ToMacco... and no one can take that away from... (SHRIEKS) Stop eating our future! Get the... get out of... Bad animals! Go home! Thank God! There's one left. You! (GRUNTS) Look, a flying saucer! (LAUGHS) HOMER: There, there,... we had quite a scare today, but you're going to make us millions. Yes, you are. You're about to launch a terrible evil on the world. You've got to destroy this plant! I know, honey,... but what can I do as an individual? I wouldn't know where to begin. Just burn that plant right now and end this madness! I wish I could make a difference, Lisa,... but I'm just one man. (GROANS) I agree, but how? (SCREAMS) (BLEATS) They're after the ToMacco! Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive. Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence linking... (BELLOWS) ToMacco! (TRUMPETS) Give them the plant, Homer. No, I'd rather die. (SQUAWKS) Take it! Well, what a lovely gift. Got to run. So, Mindy, how did you want to pay me the $150 million? Cash will be OK. Or stock. Does your company have stock? Mindy! Mindy and I are just hammering out a payment plan. We'll talk Monday! Hey, props to Mindy on the grab. Boo-ya! Guys, we seem to be carrying a little extra weight. (CHUCKLES) Don't look at me. I'm on Sugar Busters. (BLEATS) PASSENGERS SCREAM I've never been so glad to be home. I don't know why we ever left in the first place. D-ohh! Seven, eight, I say, eight... (WHIMPERS) Nine... and ten. (SNIFFS) What is that intoxicating aroma? Could that be,... I say, could that be mincemeat pie? It certainly is. Why don't you put down your gun... and have a slice? Don't mind if I do. HOMER: Hey! Are we duelling or what? Oh, where are my manners? There you go, boy. (SCREAMS) LISA: Hey! Are you OK, Dad? I think so. The bone stopped the bullet. Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for. After pie. Captions by Anne Langford. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016