* BELL RINGS HORN BLARES (PLAYS THE BLUES) HONK! HONK! (SCREAMS) Captioned by the Caption Center, WGBH Educational Foundation. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 BUZZ! Snooze ` need more snooze. (MUMBLES) ORGAN PLAYS DREAMY MUSIC (YAWNS) Mmm... BUZZ! Aah! Num num, Maggie. Num num. Did somebody say 'num num'? I can't get Maggie to eat. Maybe if you try... I'm 26 hours late for work. No time for Maggie. Ooh, 'Where's Waldo'! No... no... This would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope... Nope... (GASPS): It's there... Oh... nope. Waldo, where are you? RADIO ANNOUNCER: It is a nightmare out there in the freeways today with surface streets jammed and the sidewalks filled with pushy New Yorkers. Hey! How'd you like a Details Magazine up the wazoo? (GROANS) SIREN WAILS Oh, sure ` single me out. All right, smart guy, where's the fire? Over there. OK, you just bought yourself a 3-17 ` pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 3-14? Nah, nah, 3-14 is a dog in... No. Or is that a 3-15? You're in trouble, pal. (CHUCKLES) I'd hate to see the look on old Burnsie's face if he knew I was just getting in. Hee-hee. (CLEARS THROAT) Hmm... Who is that? Big, ugly nose... bald, liver spot, liver spot... (CLEARS THROAT) CASH REGISTER RINGS CASH REGISTER RINGS Turn around, Simpson. Ah! No, I can't get in trouble if I can't see you. I'm afraid he's got us, sir. Aah! (CRIES HYSTERICALLY) (SIGHS) Safe in the core, and now... (GAGS) Don't forget the leg protectors, sir. Don't forget the leg protectors, sir. Ah, yes. Ow! Youch! I knew I had those installed for a reason. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (YELLS AND GAGS) Aw, this is the worst day ever. Hey, Homer, what gives? Mr Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste. Jeez, that's rough. There must be 200, 300 gallons in here. Hey, you want to come bowling with us tonight? OK. PHONE RINGS Hello? Homer? Where are you? You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie. Oh, Marge, I'm sorry. I can't make it. A cooling tank blew and they're taking Lenny to the hospital. Oh, no, not Lenny! Not Lenny! Yeah, so I'm going to have to work late instead of seeing you and the kids, which is what I really want. OK. Sure. Kids, turn off the TV. I have some bad news about Lenny. BOTH: Not Lenny! (LAUGHS) Hey, Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard. Poo. Uh, Homer, what wacky name do you want? Are Poo and Ass taken? Yeah. Yeah. Damn! Could my life get any worse? Simpson! Ugh! Even for a bowler, you're fat! Hey, guys, is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball? Uh, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode. Aw, what a rotten day! Wow ` a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these? (GROANS) BOWLING PINS CRASH Hey, Homer, that's four strikes in a row. You've got a perfect game going! Really? Careful what you say, Lenny. You'll jinx it. Oh, right. Sorry. LENNY: Miss! Miss! > Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke. Lenny... What? I paid $7.10 for this split. Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumb-wad? Hey, spare me your gutter mouth. Ow! Practice ball. Practice ball. Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo! Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty Brand Chew-Goo Gum-Like substance. We knew it contained spider eggs but the hantavirus, well, that really came out of left field. So if any of you have experienced numbness or comas, send proof of purchase and $5 to: Antidote, PO Box 14` This is Kent Brockman, live from Barney's Bowlarama where local pinhead Homer Simpson is on the verge of a perfect game. Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling. He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's OK. This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield ` which proves just how pitiful this town is. (SCOFFS) Morons. ALL: Homer! Homer! CHEERING Whoo-hoo! I'm 10 pins away from perfection! Now, listen, your father really needs to concentrate, so we'll just stay here and not disturb him. Why won't they come over? I'm so lonely. This is it, folks ` the ball that will determine whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game or a pathetic 290-something. CROWD CHEERS What's wrong, Abe? This is as fast as I can move. Get down, get down... Whoo-hoo! This is the greatest day of my life! CRASH! Ow! ALL YELL (GROANS) D'oh! CROWD CHEERS You did it, Homey. In your face, To-Do List. In your face, To-Do List. ALL: Homer! Homer! Homer! In your face, To-Do List. ALL: Homer! Homer! Homer! Thank you. Thank you. But there was someone else with me on that alley. I'm talking about the big man... Carl. Aw, can the corn, bonehead. Children, today's local hero is Homer Simpson. Children, today's local hero is Homer Simpson. KIDS CHEER Mr Simpson bowled a perfect game without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling. Thank you, Bart's teacher. You know, kids, my teachers said I would never amount to anything. Until last week, they were dead right. But now, I've achieved perfection. Any questions? Yes, Bart's weird friend. Will you be my dad? You've got a father. He's just a dud. Next question. Yes, the girl Bart has the crush on. (GROANS) Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor? Hey, this was supposed to be about me. Now, any other questions? Pumpkin face? Head gear? Chicken pox? Smelly? Lazy eye? Spiky head? OK, class dismissed. Rock on. ALL CHEER Want to split the birthday cupcakes? ANNOUNCER: Live from Shelbyville, it's the Springfield Squares featuring our new centre square, Homer 'Perfect Game' Simpson. There's a stairway, dumb-ass. OK, we'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu. Disco Stu's going to groove up some dough playing tick-tack-toe. Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tick-tack-toe. I can dig it. Hit me with the centre square. < BROCKMAN: Uh... Homer. Yes, Kent? According to Redbook Magazine, what is the speed of light? Well, that is... Wait... Do I read from the sheet labelled'Jokes' or 'Answers'? Oh, for the love of... Stop tape. Make me centre square, Kent. I'm ready. I can handle it. Dream on, drunky. Oh, that's it. You're going down. (GAGS) Stop it, you two. You're making Scratchy cry. Oh, we've got to stop putting these flavours of the month on. Flavour of the month ` me? Yeah, Homer. You can't just ride one accomplishment for ever. Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director? I don't know. Because you weren't cute any more? Hmm... I'll agree. Circle gets the square. Goodnight, everyone. Before my partner, Teller, hits the shark-infested water, I'll need to borrow someone's crossbow. I only need one. Now, to save my partner's life, I'll need complete... Hello, everybody. Did somebody say a perfect game? You idiot. You'll ruin everything. I'm doing a walk-on. It's a show-business thing. So, how are you all doing? Let's see ` what's in the news today? Will you shut up? I thought you never talked. Uh... I didn't mean to. It just slipped out. God, now Penn's going to beat me. Folks, it's all part of the act. No, it isn't. Don't leave me alone with him. You've ruined the act. Remember, Springfield, keep on swinging. Hey, come here. I just want to talk to you. Come here! Come here! Guys...? Remember... in the whole world, there's nobody like you. You're special. # So special # That's right ` you are. Hey, everybody. I'm going to be on TV again. That's right. You've got a special daddy. Burt Reynolds apologised to the pope and promised to replace the windshield. Burt Reynolds ` Class Act. Well, now for our weekly segment, 'Yesterday's News' featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud. Whoo-hoo! First stop ` Maude Flanders. Homer! But she said I... Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun and it's time for you to gracefully step aside. Lisa, I know what's going on here. They did it to Jesus and now they're doing it to me. Are you comparing yourself to our Lord? Well, in bowling ability. Sweet bowling alley balloon. You're my only friend. (GASPS) (GAGS) What was that about? Marge, has my life peaked? Oh, Homey, is that what's bothering you? Mm-hm. Well, the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner. You're right. I can't believe it, Moe. The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten. Jeez, Homer, I never seen you so depressed. As your life partner, I'm very worried. Save your tears, Moe. Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope. A shred of what? I'm sorry, I was counting the cocktail radishes. (SIGHS) Now, where was I? Two... three... three radishes. Three big radishes. # This is the end # beautiful friend # # This is the end... # my only friend ` the end. # weird scenes inside the gold mine... # ALL YELL (GROANS) D'oh! Hey ` look out! Oh, dumb-ass. You trying to get yourself killed? Not any more, Ron. Now I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to ` something noble, but easy. Daddy, stop talking to that bum. Look, I'd love to help you out, Homer, but I'm taking my kids to the zoo. That's great. Even big stars take their kids to the zoo. Well, it's a different zoo containing animals YOU'VE never heard of. Daddy, we're missing the Fantastipotamus! She only sings twice a day! That's it! Kids are the answer. I'll dedicate my life to my children. Really ` you have children? Well, look ` here's some money. No. I don't want your pity or your money. Usually when you say that you give the money back. I do what now? Yoink! Listen, boy, I was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention. No need, Dad. Over the years I've learned to find father figures wherever I can ` construction workers, the Internet... and Nelson here. If you tie a string around your finger real tight, you can make it turn purple. I can see I'm not needed here. Lisa, honey, do you need any help with your homework? Sure. You can help me find three words where 'Y' is the vowel. I've been so blind. I'll lavish my attention on Maggie ` the forgotten Simpson. SING-SONG VOICE: Maggie... it's me, Daddy. Daddy's going to spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is! Yes, he is! (SPEAKS GOOFY GIBBERISH) (SPEAKS SINISTER GIBBERISH) Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? Hey, where is she? There you are. Hi, Maggie. I'm Homey-Womey, the Teletubby... and I'm all man ` in case you heard otherwise. Let's see what's on Tummyvision... Ow! Oh, that hurts! Whee! Whee! Don't be scared, Maggie. Daddy won't drop you. SQUEAK! SQUEAK! You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm going to win you over just like I did with Lisa. Hi, honey. OK, Dads. This is where your child's trust in you really pays off. D-ohh! (BLOWS WHISTLE) ALL: This way, honey. Come here. Come on, Maggie. You can trust me. Come to Daddy! (GRUNTS BABY-TALK GIBBERISH) (GRUNTS MENACINGLY) Oh... I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realised things between us had gotten this bad. What are you pointing at? The ocean? That's a great idea! We'll swim in the ocean! See, Maggie? The ocean is just like a bathtub ` except instead of rubber duckies it has barracudas and moray eels. (CHUCKLES) (HOLLERS) Nothing to worry about. Just a little wave. And this rip tide is certainly nothing Daddy can't struggle against. Help! Help! Somebody help! Current... too strong... I know ` If I sink to the bottom, I can run to the shore. (GURGLES) Maggie, call Aquaman. Maggie! You're swimming! You swam out to save me! Oh, you do love me! Mr Simpson, you're going to be fine... although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs. Actually, that was before I went in the ocean. Well, I don't want to pry into your personal life... Then don't. Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning? Oh-ho-ho-ho! It's quite simple. When a parent's life is in danger a child can summon superhuman strength. And all I care about is that my little girl loves me. Oh... and we're going to spend a lot more time together from now on. Good girl, Maggie! You knocked down all the pins! But you stepped over the line just a little bit so I'll have to give you a five. And that gives you a final score of... 295. Looks like Daddy won. But 295 is awfully good for a baby. Yes, it is. It's very good, and you're a good little baby. Yes, you are! (LAUGHS) Captioned by the Caption Center, WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Shh.