, BELL RINGS HORN SOUNDS (PLAYS THE BLUES) TYRES SCREECH HORN BEEPS TYRES SCREECH Doh! (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS EVILLY) (LAUGHS EVILLY) (CRIES OUT) These Swedish furniture designers sure have some far-out ideas. I mean, a green table. I wouldn't have thought of that in my wildest dreams. And these bean bag chairs look so comfortable. (SIGHS) Hey, there's someone else in here. SEA CAPTAIN: Argh, she swallowed me whole. You put it together yourself. All you need is me, Allen Wrench. (LAUGHS) He's named after what he is. Cool costume. ALIEN VOICE: It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor. Excuse me, where are your hamper lids? NORMAL VOICE: Hamper lids? Uh, third floor. ALIEN VOICE: Help! I need tungsten to live. Tungsten! Whoa... Ooh, look at all these clever pencil holders. Ooh! I want to get the Kronk. Mmm... you don't want something that overshadows the pencils. How about this... Popli? Mom, no! Everyone at school picks on the Popli kids ` even I do! I just hate them so much. Yes, I will have the Plopenlugen and don't skimp on the Doodlemunch. How ingenious! The forks are made out of Lego. (GULPS) Hello, Simpsons! Hey, Apu, Manjula. You guys are still married? Oh, yes, sir ` quite happily. Pay up, Marge. Say, what you got there? I don't know, exactly. It's from the room of lamps that do not look like lamps. Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow? (BABBLES) Maggie loves baby talk. That was Hindi. (CHUCKLES) Oh, sorry. So, have you two thought about kids? Well, sure we have, but the decision to have a child is not to be made lightly. (BLOWS) (BLOWS) (GIGGLES) On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do. (CHUCKLES) Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves what with the Internet and all. Well, perhaps it is time. I've noticed this country is dangerously underpopulated. Are you sure you want a child, Apu? You know I do. I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself 'Who will float my corpse down the Ganges?' Oh, Apu, take me now. Oh, Calcutta! Hey, Apu, sitting in the ice cream cooler, eh? By chilling my loins, I increase the chances of impregnating my wife. Whoa-ho, too much information. Thanks for the mental picture. Why don't you tell us what you REALLY think? Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips? Could you be any more... hello? (LAUGHS) Look, just give me some ice cream. PAGER BEEPS Oh! Manjula has begun to ovulate! Eeww... thanks for sharing... more than I wanted to know! Here goes nothing. Both: Baby... baby... oh... lemon. All that sex for nothing. Well, that is a pretty grim assessment. You know, Homer, you might want to open those cans before they explode. But the cans seal in the flavour. OK... So, how's the tribe coming along? Any papooses? No. Still no luck. Tell me, Homer, did you have to take any... special steps when you decided to have children? 'Decided'? (LAUGHS) That's classic! 'Decided.' Babies just happen. Well, not to us, they don't. Oh, Homer, we have tried everything-- oysters, gravity boots... Sanjay's bed--every possible position. Well, don't worry, I can help you. I'm all about ideas. Kids! Come and get it! Now, this situation is guaranteed to end in pregnancy. I'm willing to play the high school jock but did you have to cut the roof off my car? Up-up-up-up ` that's an Apu question. You're 'Greg.' READS: Uh, gee, Betsy, it's such a nice night. Why don't we go all the way? READS: But Greg, my dad will kill me. And you have that scholarship to Ivy League State! Loosen up, baby. Tomorrow I'm shipping off to Vietnam. I thought I was going to Ivy League State. My mistake. Stay in the moment. Just promise not to forget me on your dinosaur-bone- digging-up trip. (SIGHS) And that's my cue to exit. Homer! I just wanted to invite you to the wrap party. And that's my cue to exit. Both: Baby... baby... pirate? BOTH SIGH No, no, wait a minute! Pilots are wild! We are pregnant! BOTH LAUGH Oh, get lost. Man, the last nine months sure were crazy. I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus day. I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge. I became the most popular girl in school but blew it by being conceited. And then I learned the true meaning of winter. Apu, do you still find me attractive? Of course I do, sweetheart. You are beautiful and silky and manageable. You're reading that off a conditioner bottle! I... that's true. But you still have a... But you still have a... WATER SPLASHES But you still have a... WATER SPLASHES Ooh! My water broke. Well, we must drive to the hospital. Clean-up in aisle three. Oh, finally! Gil's moving up to the big leagues, boy. Aah! Aw, my back. Apu, come quick! You're missing the miracle! Oh? Oh, my sweet husband, say hello to your first-born child. You shall be the jewel of our lives. Aw... now say hello to your other seven children. What?! (LAUGHS) We had quite a discussion about the funniest way to reveal them to you. You have octuplets. It rolls off your tongue and into your heart: 'octuplets.' (LAUGHS) Apu, you should have seen your face when they showed you those babies! Yeah! It looked just like that! , Apu, say hello to Poonam, Sashi Pria, Uma, Anoop, Sandeep, Nabendu and Mama's clear favourite, Gheet. Apu: How did we get eight? Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs. (GROANS) I, too, I am afraid, am guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy. Mm-hmm... well, that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone else slip this woman fertility drugs? Mine tasted like strawberry. Mmm. Ovulicious. Would you say you and your babies have a 'love-eight' relationship? ALL CHUCKLE (CHUCKLES) Absolutely. Yes. No. Say it. We need a sound bite. We have a 'love-eight' relationship. ALL: Aw... Yes. Kent Brockman, Channel Six. How would you respond to people who say this kind of multiple birth is more suited to, say, a possum than a human being? Wha...? Who would say such a thing? Well... pundits, wags... I'm not the one on trial here. No one is on trial. This is a joyous occasion for all and the outpouring of support has been so lucrative. Yes. We have already received lifetime supplies of baby powder and Pepsi-B. Free baby Cola?! Apu hits the jackpot and I'm stuck with these useless one-tuplets. Gee, sorry for being born. I've been waiting so long to hear that. How do you feel about this avalanche of free merchandise? Oh, the companies are SO generous. Except the Q-tip people-- they only gave us three crates. They can rot in hell. But the good folks at Sony... their giant TV will really help us love our babies. I'm here at Shelbyville Hospital where a local woman has just given birth to nine-- that's right-- nine babies. BOTH GASP Some say eight babies is a blessing but they don't know the joy of nine. Would you say you're on cloud NINE? BOTH: We're on cloud nine! All: Aw... They even have a better sound bite than us. Nine babies? That's barbaric! Nonuplets? Now, that's something you don't see every day. Let's get this stuff to the real heroes: the Shelbyville nine! Wait! That's OUR ottoman! (SIGHS) Don't worry, my little curry-face. We don't need corporate handouts. Our children will live on love. BABIES CRY (GROANS) BABIES CONTINUE TO CRY (SINGS IN HINDI TO THE TUNE OF 'ROCK-A-BYE, BABY') BABIES CONTINUE TO CRY Apu! It's 4.00am! You are late for work! I just had the most beautiful dream where I died. Oh, no, you don't-- not till they're out of college. Listen, I'll die when I want to. WHEELS SQUEAK Thank you. Steal again. Well, morning, Apu. How are the little blessings? Ooh, they're a ravenous swarm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling and two have cradle rash! How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase? (CHUCKLES) They can be a handful... of JOY. Shut up! They'll fill your lives with... Just shut up! Can't put a price on a miracle. I can't believe you don't shut up. Ooh, a gingerbread house. Hansel and Gretel are set for life. You know, I saw Apu today. He's really frazzled. Boy, that Hansel sure can eat. Aah! My corneas! You were saying? You were saying? Apu told me all eight babies have colic. Although he thinks one or two might just be going along with the crowd. Eight kids. Hmm. I'm sterile, right, baby doll? Yes, dear -- from the nuclear plant. Yes, dear -- from the nuclear plant. Beautiful. DOORBELL RINGS Knock, knock. Apu? Manjula? Marge, I've got a bad feeling about this. BOTH GASP Welcome to my nightmare. I knew you had your hands full with the babies so I baked you some banana bread. Oh, hallelujah, our problems are solved-- we have banana bread. Well, you don't have to be sarcastic. Oh, look, who's here-- the family with ONE baby. How do you manage? Marge, they've turned into jerks. I'm very sorry. We've been rude. Can I offer you something to drink? No, thanks. No, thanks. Apu, they're doing it again. OK, break it up. Maybe you two should get a nanny. Yes, and what would I pay her with? Banana bread?! Sorry, sorry-- it's just we haven't slept in days and we're running out of money and... banana bread?! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread. I apologise, apologise again. As a token of forgiveness please take this baby. Mm! No! Marge, no! DOORBELL RINGS Mr Nahasa... Pasa... Aw, forget it. Listen, you look like you could use some help. Come with me. OK. But you don't know who he is. Who cares? There's only one of him. What if your babies could live in a place with round-the- clock child care all expenses paid, full medical, dental, tutors, the works? I would say that there must be some sort of horrible catch. The zoo? What? Everybody loves my zoo. You don't love my zoo? I dare you to look at a kangaroo and not laugh. I dare you. Well, they're usually funnier. Look, I'm not going to put my babies in a zoo. Don't say no till you see the habitat. The habitat? I mean, the nursery. Oh, my goodness. Not too shabby, eh? They'll have the best of care. And all I ask is that you let the local folks share a little glimpse of your blessing. But is it right to put such young children on display? Sure it is. Butch Patrick?! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster and being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch. Eh, right, right. If your mother was a vampire and your father was a Frankenstein, how come you are a werewolf? Huh. I never thought of that. Doesn't make sense, does it? But what does make sense is putting your children in the hands of Mr Kidkill here. Please, please-- Larry. Larry Kidkill. I don't care what Butch Patrick says. It just doesn't seem right. We wouldn't be giving the babies away. We'd be moving in with them. They'll have a traditional 'zoo-ish' upbringing. Well, maybe we could try it. Manjula: Whoa... Hey, what the...? Hey, I'm a notary. So I got that going, too. (BABBLES) (GURGLES) Oh... you like that, don't you, Poonam? Yeah, who's a clean baby, huh? (GURGLES) Ah, now... this is a happy family! You liking this thing? How's the humidity, good? Why am I asking? I can see on the meter it's good. Oh, everything is perfect. Yeah, nothing's too good for my little angels. Whoop! It's almost show time. Show time? All right, people... if you're not in a diaper, get off my stage. Off, off, off, off. I can't believe we're going to see the octuplets. You already saw them. Yeah, but now their umbilical cords have fallen off. Ladies and gentlemen get ready for the eight wonders of the third world! Welcome to Octopia! PULSATING TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS He can't talk, but, man, can he rock! Say hello to the baddest baby in the whole damn town-- Animal! # Welcome to the jungle. # we got fun and games... # AUDIENCE: Aww... How can he rebel? He doesn't even know where he is. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS Uh-oh, sounds like one of the babies has a fever. (GASPS) Dance fever, that is. Oh! Let's hear it for Dazzle! DANCE MUSIC PLAYS She's no Liza, but it works. LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS And now the standup who can't even sit up. Give it up for Punchline! Give it up for Punchline! AUDIENCE APPLAUDS He's thinking what we're all saying. But all the laughs in the world won't protect you from the stern discipline of... the Baron. the Baron. 'THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES' PLAYS ALL: Booo. And... the rest. 'R-O-C-K IN THE USA' PLAYS Good night, Springfield. We'll be back in an hour. BOTH GASP (BURPS) Good babies. Good, good babies. Work with Dazzle. She's a lox out there. How could you do this to our children? I know, the lighting cues were a mess. Don't worry-- the guy's been fired. Our babies are not circus freaks. We're taking them home now! Hold on, Alpo. We got a contract. Not any more. (GRUNTS) Laminated. You monster! Terence, Christopher, will you show these two to the exit? Avec plaisir. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. The zookeeper paid you off, didn't he? Paid me off? What, are you crazy? So we'll never see our children again? Well, they might give Dazzle back. The buzz is, she's got one more show to turn it around. Well, if the police won't help us we'll simply have to take the law into our own hands. Yeah, yeah, a lot of people are doing that these days. These animals certainly act different at night. (CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) Oh, my little treasures. We'll get you out of this terrible place. She's waking up. Don't worry-- I brought some chloroform. Pleasant dreams. Idiot! Those are colourforms. (GASPS) (GASPS) ALARM BLARES Apu: Nabendu... Pria... and Sashi. Now let's go! (CRIES PLAINTIFFLY) OK, this is getting weird. TYRES SCREECH Oh, my precious babies! We'll never let you go. Oh, let's get this awful thing off. Let it... OK, whatever. Hold it right there, scumbags! (GASPS) Please, Mr Kidkill, look into your heart. I know these babies have a lifetime contract. But what if I put together an even better act for you? Something sensational! It's not just you prancing around in a monkey suit, is it? Not any more. You've got yourself a deal. (YELPS) Quiet! You're breaking character. Are those real cobras? Some are real. Some are just robots filled with venom. Now, that is a true friend. You know, if he can handle that, maybe we can handle this bunch. We'll do our best, chutney-butt. OK, OK, don't panic, Butch. Release the mongoose! (SCREAMS) Oow! Oowww! Stupid mongoose. Get the snake! The snake! Do I look like a snake? Ow! Ow! Why isn't he listening to me?! Ow! (GROANS) Show's over! Show's over! Next show at 8 o'clock and 10. Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016