Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (SCREAMS) MAN: Tonight, on... a man who holds the current record... for least amount of faces, with none! Help me! You'll also see the world's smelliest tumour. Ew... These records used to be real accomplishments. Now they're just gross. Plus, you'll meet a dog... who can't predict anything. Then, three other things. When we come back... we'll show you the contents of a supermodel's stomach. What an age we live in. Oh, look at all that Sweet 'N Low. Hey, remember the '50s? Remember television, Coca-Cola and Dick Clark? (GASPS) I remember television! Come join me, Wolfguy Jack,... at Greaser's Cafe... where it's 1955 every day of the year, baby. MAN: Actual year may vary. Consult calendar for current year. A '50s-style restaurant. What a neat idea. Why don't we eat there tonight? Aah... We'll go next month. 'LUCILLE' PLAYS WOMEN SCREAM WOMEN SCREAM Dennis the Menace? Yes. I was America's bad boy. I once hid my dad's hat. (LAUGHS) Uh-huh. And another time,... I accidentally stepped in Mr Wilson's flower bed. (LAUGHS) That was a two-part episode. (LAUGHS) I have to go. California, here we come. It's not a real car, Grandpa. READS: Allen Ginsburgers? Unamerican cheese sandwich? Polio dogs? It's clever how the names remind you of the '50s,... and at the same time, tell you what there is to eat. Wow, look at this old-timey gizmo! (GIGGLES) I feel like I've gone back in a time machine. Dad, they have those everywhere. What an age we live in. (LAUGHS) WOLFGUY HOWLS (CONTINUES HOWLING) (COUGHS) Oh man. Oh, my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that any more. OK, is everybody ready for our nightly dance contest? Dancing?! Oh, no, you're not getting me on that dance floor. Don't try and make me. If I have to get a divorce I will. Our grand prize tonight is... a vintage 1955 Harley-Davidson motorcycle. (GASPS) I need a dance partner! (GASPS NERVOUSLY) What about you? OK, Daddy-o. WOLFGUY JACK: Hey, hey, set your socks on hop and your tutti to frutti. Here we go with Mental House Rock... by Johnny Bobby. # Doctors threw a party at the loony bin. # You got to be crazy if you want to get in. # Napoleon is playing his imaginary sax. # The dance floor is filling up with maniacs. # Let's rock. # Do the mental house rock... Yeah! Ooh! (SCREAMS) Argh! # Let's rock. # Do the mental house rock... Whoa! Wow... a '50s nostalgia cafe. # If you won't dance with the doc,... # he'll give you electro-shock. Zap, zap, zap! # Well, well, well, I've never seen such reckless disregard... for a wife's well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle. Woo-hoo! (WHISTLES) It's mine. Finally, I've won the respect of my fellow ma... Get away from it! OK, hep cats,... let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe... where the '50s are never going away. Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other, right, honey? Honey? (HOWLS) (COUGHS) God. 1 (IMITATES ENGINE) Man, you're bending the hell out of that kickstand, Dad. Why don't you just take it for a ride? Promise you won't laugh? Promise you won't laugh? Yeah, I promise. I don't know how. (LAUGHS) You're kidding? (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) (CONTINUES LAUGHING) You don't know how...? (CONTINUES LAUGHING) Will you teach me? Of course. (SNICKERS) # You showed me everything. # Oh, you took me by the hand. # Puppy dogs and Lincoln logs and castles made of sand. # You gave me the courage to spread my newborn wings... # like mayonnaise and marmalade and other spreadable things. # So I guess you are my hero... # and there's something you should know. # I want to make it clear so I'm gonna sing it slow. # If you weren't a man... # and my father, too,... # I'd buy you a diamond ring... # and, then, I'd marry you. # All right, class. Today, we'll be sitting quietly in the dark.. because teacher has a hangover. HARLEY ENGINE ROARS Oh, it's like a chainsaw in my head. Later, Homer. Sweet hog, Mr Simpson. Remember to rebel against authority, kids. Don't listen to him, children. But we already did,... and now I can't get it out of my head! Thank you, Nelson. The sermon today is on John 4:13. HARLEY ENGINE REVS I think it was Jesus... ENGINE REVS ...who said, 'Blessed are those...' Oh, the heck with it! Church dismissed. CHEERING ENGINE IDLES Will you turn that engine off? Quiet, Marge. The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep. MOTORCYCLE REVS MOTORCYCLE REVS I know, I know, just tune her out. And now, back to the Tuesday morning movie. Oh, I don't know what's come over Jimmy. He won't do his homework. He only salutes the flag with one finger,... and he comes home every night... with other people's blood on his shirt. He's a rebel without a cause. Just like that boy in that popular movie we saw. (YELLS) Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge... cruising and hassling shopkeepers. When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else? Never, Pops. That's right, never! You can arrest me, but you'll never defeat The Cobras. Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang. A gang. That's the answer. Answer to what? Hey, don't make me hassle you, Lisa. If you want to be in the gang,... eventually you're going to have to get motorcycles. eventually you're going to have to get motorcycles. Yeah, we know. Hey, Homer, can I join? This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not conformos. Yeah. That's right. Buzz off. If I were a member,... we could use my rumpus room as our lair. That guy just don't get it, do he? My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table? Bumper pool! You're kidding me. The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order. I move we reconsider our club name ` make it something a little less blasphemous. After all, we don't want to go to hell. How about the Devil's Pals? No. Or the Christ Punchers? The Christ... I don't think you understand my objection. I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets. Oh, machine wash warm. Tumble dry... Ooh la la. Wait up, guys. I got to empty my grass bag. Hell's Satans, huh? I'm watching you punks. Can't hassle us, pig. We're going the speed limit. Oink, oink, oink. ALL LAUGH AND OINK You'll make a mistake some day,... and then you're going straight to juvie. You can lock us away, but you'll never defeat The Cobras. The Cobras? I thought you were the Hell's Satans. Well, uh... Oink, oink, oink. Oh, how can I be down a thousand bucks? Get away from my store, you young hoodlums. And what if we don't, Pops? He's got a broom! Let's get out of here. Forget the pennies! Go, go! TYRES SCREECH You promised me, no more brooms. I know this is not your way, but we're in America now. They printed my photo of our gang. Carl looks great. ENGINES REV, LOUD HOOTING What in the world? We're the Hell's Satans out of Bakersfield. You're the Hell's Satans? What a fun coincidence. My gang's name is also the... Shut up! You stole our club name. According to our by-laws, we got to stomp you. Take off that jacket, man. OK. Now, eat it. WHIMPERS: All right. (GULPING) Hey, hey, chew with your mouth closed, please. Sorry. Done. OK, Meathook, I think he learned his lesson. Oh man. Now you got to eat that, too. You got anything else with our logo on it? Caps and frisbees, sir. You've got to eat them, too. And some pogs. ROWDY MUSIC PLAYS You keep it. I think it's great you've chosen to crash here,... but do you have to be so messy? Yeah, it's part of being a low-life. (SPITS) Hello, police, can you send a SWAT team... to 742 Evergreen Terr... Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings... looking like a pig as I do. But you have so much inner beauty. Well, uh, be that as it may,... the gang is wanted in eight other states,... and we have a little saying around here: 'Let Michigan handle it.' (WHIMPERS) Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast. I'd kill for waffles. Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the dumpsters. Thank you, Ramrod. Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean? I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out. I've tried hitting them, I've tried yelling at them... All it takes is the right cleanser... and a little elbow grease. Do you have anything that will get this emblem back on my jacket? I tried spitting at it... Put it on my sewing pile. OK, I'm doing another load of bandannas. Hey! Hey, that's leave-in conditioner. You're done. Next. (SHIVERS) Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard. Plus, I think Rod and Todd are watching. No, we're not. OK, bikers, that's it. Benjamin Franklin once said... that house guests are like fish that... huh? They're gone. Woo-hoo! And those bikers saw that hard look in my eye ` you know that hard look I get sometimes ` and they ran away like schoolgirls... with their tails between their legs. (SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL) Way to go, Dad. Hey, where's the food? And why aren't I at school? Yeah, someone really dropped the ball here. Marge? Marge? Dad, there's a note on the back of your head. Really? Read it. READS: Thanks for letting us crash in your pad. We had a very nice time. Aw, that's sweet. PS: We've taken your old lady. Doh! 1 Could you at least tell me... what you're planning to do with me? Oh, don't worry. You're completely safe. None of us finds you sexually attractive. None of you? Really? I could have sworn that Ramrod... Well, did you see that picture of me in...? And you still don't...? Sorry. Hmm. Well, good, I guess. I'm going to search high and low for your mother, but just in case I don't find her... I want you to contact this agency. READS: Korean Love Brides? I just don't want to be alone. LOUD ROCK MUSIC BLARES # Well, look here, baby... # Excuse me, has anyone seen a woman wearing...? SMASH! MUSIC STOPS That's more like it. I'm looking for... (YELLS) (GROANS) I'll show you. (CLEARS THROAT) OK, we kind of got off on the wrong foot there. Long story short, my old lady was... Some people never learn. BLOW LANDS Argh! All right, Satans,... we roll out at dawn. Where are we going? To the bikers' jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it. Mickey Rourke's coming and we're going to jump him. You know, there's more to life than boozing and roughhousing. ALL: Huh? Haven't any of you ever had a dream? Yeah, I had a dream. I was in this beautiful garden... No, no, I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family,... and a home in the suburbs. Oh man. To get all that, you'd have to` Not if you have jobs. And the first step is an eye-catching resume. I believe it's pronounced... (PRONOUNCES DIFFERENTLY) resume. Actually both are acceptable. Yeah, I did see some bikers ride by here with a blue-haired woman... about 10 minutes ago. Said they were going to spend the night... at Crystal Lake Campground, Section K, Space 217. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I guess I'll never find her. And when you get a job interview,... try not to call your employer a punk... or a skank. Makes sense. Oh, don't call them them skanks. Uh, Miss Simpson,... I killed my pencil. Broke. You BROKE your pencil. I broke him. That's right, and what else have we learned? Oh, oh! That, um, violence is wrong. Excellent, Ramrod. Civilised people solve their disputes with words. (SCREAMS) Homer, stop! No, you don't understand! Marge? What do we do here, Marge? He's using violence. Talk to him. Use your words. Homer, Homer, stop it. We've given up our violent ways. We just want to live peacefully... with your wife. No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around. I took a sacred vow on my wedding day... to Bogart her for ever. Oh, Homie. There's only one reasonable way to settle this: You and me, in the circle of death. Oh, I just swept the circle of death. We both knew it'd come to this. You and me, chopper to chopper. YELLING AND GRUNTING You know what I'm going to do after I kill you? Take your wallet. Never. It was a gift from Newsweek. MARGE: Homer! Give me back my wife. OK, OK, you win. I don't blame you for wanting her back so bad. A woman like that only comes along every couple of miles. Ohh. Goodbye, everybody. Bye, Mrs Simpson. Goodbye, Marge. Bye-bye, Mrs S. We'll stop at the nearest town and mail our resumes. Resumes... it still sounds weird to me. Why are we stopping here? Taking care of some unfinished business. -Hey! -(HOMER SCREAMS) Go, go, go! Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016