Bobby-boy, stay here while Mommy picks up the free cheese. This'll keep the sun out of your eyes. You be good now. Don't fuckin' move, you shit machine. Your mama's gonna try to score. What the hell? Excuse me, who's watching these babies? The fat one's watching the little one. Nice parenting. Leave them out here like that and see what happens. Fuck you, you fuckin' square! Keep on truckin'. Did you hear that fuckin' guy tell me how to fuckin' raise you? What a fucker, man! Who does he fuckin' think he is? What's the worst fuckin' thing that could happen to you standin' in the front of a fuckin' store, right? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... ...fuck, fuck, fuck. Mother-motherfuck, mother-motherfuck, motherfuck, motherfuck, noise, noise, noise. One, two. One, two, three, four. # Noise, noise, noise, noise. # Smokin' weed, smoking weed, # Doin' coke, drinkin' beers # Drinkin' beers, beers, beers Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts # Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts. # Roll 'em blunts and smoke` Let me get a nickel bag. # 15 bucks, little man Put that shit in my hand # If that money doesn't show, then you owe me, owe me, owe # My Jungle Love Owe-ee-owe-ee-owe # I think I want to know you, know you... What are you singing? You don't know Jungle Love? That shit is the notes. Written by God herself and handed down to the greatest band in the world. The motherfuckin' Time. The guys in that Prince movie? Purple Rain. That shit was so gay. Fuckin' '80s style. Don't never say an unkind word about The Time. Me and Silent Bob modelled our lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and Tubby here is my black manservant. What? I told you about dealing in front of the store. Drop the kid and peddle your wares someplace else. And for the record, The Time sucked ass. Want to hear something fucked up about him and that Quick-Stop boy? Are you supposed to be here today? Don't get me started. Can't we do something about those stoners hanging around outside? What did they do now? I wanna watch Clash Of The Titans and they're screaming about Morris Day. The fat one doesn't talk that much. Am I producing their biography? Two packs of wraps. How was the service? What service? At the Unitarian Church last week, where you two got married. What are you talking about? Jay said it was a Star Wars theme. You were dressed as Storm Troopers. And you're the bitch and you're the butch. I'm the bitch? If we were gay, you would be. Shut up! Holy shit, dude. Honeymoon's over. That does it. I am gonna do something about these two stoner fucks I should've done a long time ago. Whoa! What the fuck, Serpico? What did we do? Got a report of two guys hanging around outside a store selling pot. We don't smoke pot, yo. No pot, huh? What do you use this for? What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and, bam, no shit stains in my undies. What? You don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so he can see the fuckin' steak nuggets! Pull up your fuckin' pants, sir. Now! (FARTS) Let's go. Let's go. Go down to the station. Not the fuckin' car, motherfucker. No fuckin' way. Dante and Randal slapped you with a restraining order? Ain't that a bitch? Are you gonna abide by it, or are you gonna go bandit, Reynolds style? If we go within 100 feet of the store we get thrown into County. You know what they make you do in County? Toss the salad. If you want to hang out in front of a store you could buy one, with all that money you made. Hell, yeah, bitch. Wait a second. What money? The money from the Bluntman And Chronic movie. Oh, my God, don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for? What? Since when? Here's the pulse. Alright? And this is your finger, far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? You see, kids, If you read Wizard, you'd know that it's the top story this month. When the fuck did this happen? After X-Men was a hit, the studios started buying up every comic property they could get their dirty hands on. Miramax bought Bluntman And Chronic. Miramax? I thought they only made classy pictures, like The Piano, or The Crying Game. After She's All That, everything went to hell. So you haven't gotten a monetary cut of the movie? But Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards paid you likeness rights? We haven't seen a fuckin' dime for no movie. Well, I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky owe you some of that proverbial fat cash. If I was you, I'd find Holden McNeil and ask for my movie cheque. Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid! And on that note, we cue the music. # Maa-maa-maa # Bl-bl-bl-bl # Maa-maa-maa # Bl-bl # Maa-maa-maa # Bl-bl-bl # Maa-maa-miow # Na-na-na na na na-na-na # Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bong! That was good. Come on in. So, what brings you dirt merchants to my neck of the woods? Here's why our necks are in your wood. Where's our motherfucking movie cheque? You heard? I got nothing to do with it. That's Banky. I sold him my half of Bluntman and Chronic years ago. Why the fuck do a thing like that? Why in God's name would I keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation is weed and dick and fart jokes? You gotta grow, man. Don't you want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry, doe eyes and I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When, Lord? can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead?" "I am a constant victim of his folly." "It prevents me from ever kissing a girl. Fuck! When, Lord, when?" "When's gonna be my time?" He knows. I'm the chucklehead? You're the dumb ass who gave your comic away. You don't get no movie cheque neither. You're right. I wish I'd held on to a piece of that thing. If the buzz is any sign, that movie will make huge bank. What buzz? The internet buzz. What the fuck is the internet? The internet is a communications tool where people can bitch about movies and share pornography. Here we are. Movie Poop Shoot dot-com. Poop Shoot, yeah. This is a site populated by militant movie buffs. Pathetic bastards living in their parents' basement, downloading scripts and what they think is inside information on movies and actors they say they despise yet keep discussing. OK, this is about Bluntman and Chronic, right here. "Sources say Miramax start this Friday on their comic-book adaptation, Bluntman and Chronic." Friday? Shit. Does it say who's playing us? It's Miramax, so maybe Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put them in loads of movies. Who? Those kids from Good Will Hunting. That fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it? I wasn't a big fan either. But Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms. Word, bitch. Phantoms like a mo'fucker! What's up now? Alright, here we go. This is the shoot back section, where people who read the news can chime in with their two cents. Here's a guy with the chick-magnet net-handle "Wampa One", opining on Bluntman and Chronic. "Bluntman and Chronic and their alter egos Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all. They don't merit a movie." Good point. Read the next one. This is entitled 'Fuck them up their stupid asses.' "Bluntman and Chronic is the worst comic ever." "Jay and Silent Bob are stupid. Two stoners who spout dumb catch phrases like a third-rate Cheech and Chong, or Bill and Ted." "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses." Who the fuck said that shit? He calls himself Magnolia Fan. See this one. "Jay and Silent Bob are one-note jokes that only stoners laugh at." "They are fucking clown shoes." "If they were real I'd beat the shit out of them." "I will be boycotting this movie. Who is with me?" Then there's 50 more posts of people who are joining Spartacus' boycott. I'm gonna kill all these fucks. Let it go. They're not talking about you. They mean Bluntman and Chronic. But they said Jay and Silent Bob. Our real names. It's not about a comic-book version and a real version, because no one knows we're real. Really? And all those people reading that shit, think the real Jay and Silent Bob are a couple of jerk-offs cos all these dickheads are writing about the comic book Jay and Silent Bob. Maybe one night me and lunch-box are making some chick and she says, 'Oooh, I want to suck youse guys' dicks off. What're your names?' And I say, 'Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize.' And she says, 'I read on the internet that... 'you guys are a couple of little fucking jerk-offs.' And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, fuck that! We gotta put a stop to these fucking hateful sons of bitches before they ruin our good names. One, how good are your names? And two, how can you stop this bile? The internet gives everyone a voice, and everyone uses that voice to bitch about movies. Given a Bluntman and Chronic movie, net nerds will say negative things. Wait a second. If there wasn't a Bluntman and Chronic movie, they wouldn't say shit about Jay and Silent Bob. They're not saying anything about you now. They're talking about fictional characters. Fictional characters. Am I getting through at all? So all we gotta do is go stop the fuckin' movie from getting made. And forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars that you two would be entitled to? What are you? Fucking retarded? I'm not alone in thinking this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know, a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who'd pay to see that? But, since it seems inevitable, you should hunt Banky down and get your motherfuckin' movie cheque, as you put it. That's what's important. No, Holden McNeil. The important thing is a bunch of motherfuckers we don't even know calling us assholes on the internet to teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. Putting a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do. When does it get made? They start Friday. So, if today is Tuesday, that gives us... ..eight days. Three by my count, but close. My bad. Three days to stop that stupid movie from getting made. C'mon, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood. Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school for free? This sucks balls, man. How come we ain't getting no rides? < Because you're doing it all wrong. You gotta give the driver a little incentive. Like how? Like this. But if you don't make with the head, don't they kick your ass to the curb? Sure, if you don't make with the head. Yeah. If it'll get me a couple of hundred miles across the country, I'll take a shot in the mouth. But we ain't gay. Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight. It's all the same now. There are no more lines. There's a line, and on this side, we ain't gay. All the hitchers do this. Why do you think people pick us up? If you get a ride, it's expected. I don't care who the driver is. It's the first rule in the book. What book? The unwritten book of the road. Follow the rules of the book and you'll get where you're going in no time. Excuse me. You both don't have to sit back there. One of you come sit by me. Where are you boys from? New Jersey. We're going to Hollywood. Hollywood? A long way away. Thank God you picked us up. Do unto others, that's what the book says. Wait, you follow the book, too? I live my life by it. You? Of course. You live by the book, too? You picked us up, didn't you? I gotta. That's good to hear, but it's a lot easier to say you live by the book than to actually do it. Can you do it? Alright. Whoa! I can't believe this shit. Five hours without a ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop films being made about them. When we try it's like we're trapped in a cartoon. (HORN) Zoinks, yo? So who are these hitchhiking ghouls? Pull of their masks, show who they really are. I don't think they are masks. And they're not hitchhiking girls. Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls. I wish they were hitchhiking girls. Sexy, hitchhiking girls. Kick them out. We got a mystery to solve. The only mystery is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief. Keep it up, Beatnik! I'll feed ya to the fucking dog. I can't take all this fighting. Yo! You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that. We call it... Doobie Snacks. STEPPENWOLF'S 'MAGIC CARPET RIDE' DOG BARKS Hi, Jay and Silent Bob. He-he-he-he-he-he-he! I think they passed out. Great. What do we do with them now? Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. Aaaaargh! No! No! No! You see something? Anything? Fuck, man. I had a horrible dream. Man, I'm hungry. Where can we get some breakfast? "(MOOING)" Yeah! Ooh. Check that shit out. The internet. Maybe those fucks wrote something new about us or that stupid flick. "Any movies based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls because they both, in fact, lick balls." Motherfucker! It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down. All motherfuckers are going to pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making the movie, we'll make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit and eat their shit that's our shit that we made them eat. And then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob. That'll show those fucks. Now we can eat our Mooby Muffin, get back on the road to Hollywood and stop those fucks making that movie. No more hairy-bush nuns, no more dogs. We keep our eye on the prize. And let nothing, and I mean nothing, distract us. "(MOOING)" Holy shit! # Your love is like bad medicine # Bad medicine is what I need # Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Shake it up # Just like bad medicine # There ain't no doctor That can cure my disease # Bad medicine # I got a fever Got a permanent disease (MOUTHS) # It's gonna take more than a doctor To prescribe a remedy # I got all the symptoms One, two, three # Here's what you get For fallin' in love... # That's what you get For fallin' in love... # Oh, my God. Do you get free refills with that? What, this? No, I use this for protection. So no guys try to grab my shit or anything. Hi, I'm Justice. And I am so fucking yours. I mean, hi, I'm Jay. This is my hetero life-mate, Silent Bob. It's nice to meet you. Justice, huh? That's a nice name. Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G. You come around here often? I'm not from around here. My friends and I are on a trip. Friends, huh? Where are they at? Let's see. Out there by that van. # Unconceivable, unbelievable # I only get information receivable # Sent by the Lord, here and front # In away we go... # Make way today, and if I may I say # Get away, OK?! # Hi. Dude, I think I just filled the cup. Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the house. Who the fuck are these guys? This is Jay and Silent Bob. Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy. Here. Where the fuck are they from? I met them inside. They're hitching a ride. I don't know if that's such a good idea. Sure it is, Jugs. My God! He just called Sissy "Jugs" I'm on it. Chrissy, no! We're in suburbia. Try and act like it. Why the knife? We having cake? Shit. He's retarded to boot. She called you retarded. What is wrong with you? Remember where we're going? We have a job to do. It's just for a few miles. They won't get in the way. I swear I don't know what's going on in your fucking brain lately. Please! Fine, they can ride with us. They are so of before we get to Boulder. Honest injun. Honest injun. Shut up. You are such a pushover. I can't believe such fine bitches eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart? What's all this talk about farting? (ALL) Hi, Brent. This is Brent. He's with us, too. Tell the sillies girls don't fart. Of course they don't. Only skeevy stoners fart. What up, homies? Wow, three guys, four girls. What's the count, boys? Let's rock. # Hey, Mr Science guy # Don't spray that aerosol in my eye # For I don't... # I don't really want to die # I'm a noble rabbit # Are you a cover band or something? We're the Kansas chapter of SAAC. Students Against Animal Cruelty. We're on our way to Colorado to give Provasik a piece of our minds. What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? Hey! Watch the language, little boy. There's females present. Provasik is a medical lab that performs gross experiments on animals. What kind of animals are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos? No. More like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers. Heck, even monkeys. If we don't speak up for them, who will? Right, Jussy? Right, Brent. Brent, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure. Be honest, you're down with this for the fine-ass pussy, right? I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid. Even sheep? Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures. They are beautiful, aren't they? Oh, God, yes. So you'd fuck a sheep, right? What is your damage, little boy? You have a sick and twisted perspective. You're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant. I mean if you were another sheep. Would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? Since you put it that way,... you bet your ass I would. Thought so. This fucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep. Ahhhhhhhh! Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep-fucker? What the fuck do we do? Shut up, I'm thinking. Is Hollywood near where we're going? Is that where you guys are from? Yeah, right. Jersey represent. A Jersey boy? What brings you all the way out here? We can't hang around the Quick Stop no more, which sucks. It's been like home since we were kids. Silent Bob busted his cherry there. You did? I bet she was a lucky girl. Look, fuck that fat fuck. I'm trying to tell a story here. Oh, sorry. Anyway, Brodie told us about the Bluntman and Chronic movie and Holden McNeil showed us the internet, where we found these jerk-offs talking shit about us. So were going to Hollywood to stop the movie. Now we're here. I have no idea what you just said. I get that a lot. So, you like animals? Sure. That's cool. Even snakes? You can't exclude an animal just cos they're not cuddly. I like snakes. How about trouser snakes? Ooh, what's a trouser snake? Uh.... Ooh, ooh, ooh. What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set-up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch. Girls like that kind of shit. Oooh, ooh, ooh. Right about here is where the angels are supposed to show up and tell you not to pull your dick out. But we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let him rip, boy. # Jesus loves the little children... Sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here? Shit. Were you gonna whip your dick out at this fine piece of woman? Tell you what. Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks it's a good idea you whip your dick out. That's it, boy. Put the dick down. You got to go from the heart. No perv bullshit is gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch. I gotta go beat up two sucker-punching little bitches. Remember, don't pull your dick out until she asks. Or until she's sleeping. Don't ask. So how can a smooth pimp-daddy like me help the animals? You really don't want to help us. What the fuck are you talking about? I'd do anything for you. I mean you guys. Anything for you guys. For the lift and shit. OK. Let me just talk to the other girls and get back to you. You do that. I'll be right here waiting. Fuck you, fatty. You guys want anything from inside? No, we're cool. It just isn't the same, is it? This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. Speaking of licking balls, how about Justice? She is too fine. And she smells so fucking pretty. She has a nice voice, too. And that body. Fuckin' smoking. You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talking to her or pull out the fucking pepper spray or anything. You know, Lunchbox, she could be the one. Smooth move, Justice. Nice going, four eyes. Why let that stoner throw Brent out of the van? If I had to listen to one more song, I was gonna throw him out myself. We needed Brent. He was our patsy, remember? We'll find someone else. You didn't stop Jay throwing him out. I didn't want to blow our cover. You hated his songs, too. Not as much as I hate you. We have a very simple gang here. I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn, Missy's tech girl. Why are you here? You don't even fit the rhyme scheme. Since you lost our patsy, convince the kid and the fat guy to take over. They can break into Provasik. You'll do it or you're out of the gang. Use the little one's crush on you. He's so fucking in love with you. Jay? No, he's not. Am I blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the van like he was fucking Lord Byron? Maybe he just has manners. Yo, baby! Ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat? We've got about two hours before we get to Boulder. That will give you plenty of time to work on him. I'm not going to do it. Why the fuck not? Because he's just so innocent. Look at him. GLASS SQUEAKS Who's it gonna be? Him or us? Steal a monkey? Shit, no problem. It's not stealing a monkey. It's liberating it. Wait a second. Did you say no problem? Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time. Right, Lunch Box? It's not like it's a bad thing. It's for a good cause. It's for the best cause, mon cheri. The cause of love. Snoogens. What the heck is that? What's what? Snoogens, I believe it was. What the fuck do you think it means? It means I'm kidding. That's too bad. I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing a monkey. If I'd known that I'd have stolen monkeys since I was seven and shit. Don't, motherfucker. Don't you ruin this for me. Me and Justice are going to get married on day so don't be giving me no look like, 'Oh, we ain't going to steal the monkey,' shit. I'm Morris Day and you're Jerome, bitch. Don't forget that. That girl... That girl is in love with me. They're gonna do it. Good. They do their part and we'll do ours. We meet back here when you're done. Are you sure you're OK with this? As sure as you are the hottest bitch I ever seen. Easy, tigress. What's twisting this bitch's tit? Women don't like to be called bitches, Jay. They don't? How about fine piece of ass? How about not? What the fuck do I call you? Something sweet, you big goof. Something nice. Boo-boo kitty fuck? OK, that's a start. Jay, before you go, can you say something about the clitoris? What? You are such a bitch! Shut up, Justice. She's embarrassed. We're making a documentary for our human sexuality class. We need a male perspective on the clitoris. The female clitoris? Jay, you don't have to do this. It's cool. I've a few things to say about the clit I'd like you to hear. (CLEARS THROAT) I am the master of the clit. Remember this fucking face. Wherever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. No one rules the clit like me. Not this little fuck. None of you little fucks out there. I am the clit commander! When it comes to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. Oh, you little fuck. And then I rub my nose... Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger. I will. Girls. So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck? Could I get a little blowjob for good luck? No. Go. < Get off my Kool-Aid, motherfucker. Jussy, come on. Are they in? You could say that. Time to shine. Let's go. You are so gay. Once we get upstairs I want complete silence. Missy made this to count our decibel level. If it goes red, alarm, we're dead. So not even the slightest noise, you got that? Miaow. Justice, move your ass. Check this shit out, Lunch Box. Animal tranquillisers. This shit fucks you up. Like Percocets. Hold this. Keep this shit so later me and Jussy can shoot each other and fuck like stoned test-bunnies. (FARTING) Suzanne. Boo-yah! (FARTS) (ALARM) Holy fuck. The little stoner was right. Jesus... Move. Boom box. I can't believe it. Months of planning blown by a fart. We can't just leave them. That alarm means cops. That's the plan. They take the heat long enough till we get out of town. Ka-boom, you little stoner fucks. Let's go. It's set. What are you looking at? There ain't no snacks here. We got what we came for. Let's get the fuck out. I know it's sad, man, but what are we supposed to do about it? Justice, open the door! Shit! Drop the bag. Now! Justice? Justice...! You mind if I lean that there? My, oh, my. Who let the cats out? Wait, is that...? Excuse me, who the hell are you? Federal Wildlife Marshal. This is my investigation. Really? Why is that? Someone let a mess of animals out of their cages. That was a diversion, to distract us from the Diamond Exchange heist. Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. Sounds more like something out of a bad movie. Provasik have rounded up all their animals except for one orang-utan. The most dangerous animal known to man. Sir, this just came to the station. What is it? A tape from the terrorists. Do you have a VCR? "I am the clit commander." Oh, my God...! Blafsky? Willenholly. I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. Why? Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet. This is Jussy's monkey. Justice died for you, monkey fuck! Do something, Tons of Fun. Holy fuck, is that thing waving at us? Holy shit, it understood us. Maybe it's some supermonkey. You're my fucking bitch! You get my back. Don't take his side. What if there's more supermonkeys at that lab? Maybe they're making an army of them up there? Holy shit. Maybe its a conspiracy, like in The X-Files? Roswell style! This little money could be the fucking dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey. The monkey will spank us. I'm not even supposed to be here today! And after the fall of man, these monkey-fucks will start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. And only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry... you maniacs! Damn youse! Goddamn youse all to hell. Shit, not on my watch. Die, you supermonkey! Alright, you can live. For now. You see that shit? Bitches love me. Let's get something to eat. We ain't hiding in the woods no more. We gotta get to Hollywood. Besides, we're in the clear. No-one knows we stole the monkey. Bitch. I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive News Now bulletin. A Provasik animal testing facility in Boulder was attacked by a primate rescue syndicate calling themselves The Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree Dwellers, or simply CLIT. In a videotape sent to authorities, credit for the liberation of an orang-utan is taken by these men, identified in literature that accompanied the tape as Jay and Silent Bob. This chilling clip makes it very clear that they control the CLIT. We are the CLIT. None of you are safe. Here is our merciless leader. I am the clit commander. Terrifying. Here to help us explain this footage is Federal Wildlife Marshall Willenholly. Thanks for joining us. At this point, what can you tell us about the CLIT? From the intelligence we've gathered, we've discovered that the CLIT is a tiny offshoot of the LABIA. That's Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes? Exactly. The two men you saw in the video go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob. If anyone out there should come across them or any other Clitties, exercise extreme caution. I told you that restraining order was a good idea. What response do you hope for by putting this pressure on the CLIT? It's difficult. You can't rub the CLIT the wrong way. Nights like this, I miss dating a lesbian. (PHONE RINGS) Is that your cell phone, sir? Blavsky, give me a friggin' break. I'm on my way. We've got them. They're in Utah. Citizens of Utah, stimulation of the CLIT is not recommended. Your plan worked. The news is all about Jay and Bob and your clit with almost no mention of the diamond heist. Told you. Perfect patsies. Have you no regrets? They don't deserve this. They were sweet. All I regret is not gutting that trout-mouthed prick like a fish and playing twister with his vitals. I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up. Now you're a priss with a conscience. It's a drag. We all have to grow up sometime. If moping over some boy is growing up, then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos. Marvellous Pizza comin' through... Hi. You ordered pizza? The dopey bitch wanted large plain. I want some hot, thick Sicilian. No charge, lady. Hurry. I'm sorry, Jay. Justice died to save this monkey, so we should keep it around. That way, we could honour her memory. Ain't you glad we came here to eat? And you were piss scared we'd get busted by the cops or something. You know what I say? (RAPS) # Fuck the police. # Fuck, fuck, fuck the police # Yo, yo, fuck the police # Fuck, fuck, fuck the police Yo, fuck 'em - # This is the Utah State Police. Boys, we know you're in there. Come on out with your hands in the air and surrender the orang-utan. Think they're talking about us? Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire. Who the hell are you? Federal Wildlife Marshal. Is the monkey in there? The ape. What? Orang-utan is a great ape, not a monkey. Who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here? Me or you? That's what I thought. Can I use your...? Jay and Silent Bob. Your CLIT doesn't stand a chance. Anyone not harbouring a fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck. We are going to open fire. What the fuck are you waiting for? Get out there and give them the monkey. Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab. Maybe they get to fuck a bunch of good-looking monkeys. Who knows? Stay out of this, chimp. You make the blueprints. I don't have the smarts of a little... ..kid. Do not shoot! Don't shoot. We're just want our son out of this hostile environment. Their son? Maybe they're a gay couple. Yeah, we're gay. This is our adopted love child. We're not from around here. Don't make us go back to our liberal city with tales of prejudice and bigotry from the heart of Utah. This is the last thing I need. Uppity homosexuals mouthing off to the liberal media that Federal Wildlife Marshals persecute gays. Are you fucking crazy? They may be gay, but that's no son. It's the ape! I think I would recognise an ape if I saw one. And the only thing I do recognise right now is a political fiasco that I'm about to avoid by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go. You are free to leave, sirs. Yes, you, sirs. So we can just go? Yes, sir. Please accept my apologies for detaining you and your unorthodox but constitutionally-protected family unit. Un-fuckin'-believable. I might add, that is one fine-looking boy you're raising. That's because he's from my sperm. I knocked up this hot woman friend I fuck on the side, cos I'm not all gay. But my tubby husband is 100 percent queer. He loves the cock! He certainly looks insatiable. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. It's not my way, but I'll be damned if that isn't one happy family. Alright, gang, let's shoot some tear gas into the diner and when the guys come out, we'll... Fuck beans! That was them. Shit, I said you loved the cock. I have to be the craftiest motherfucker alive. (BULLET RICOCHETS) Flee, fat ass, flee! Head for the sewer! Big dive! You fat fuck! Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass. Suck it in! Think thin! One rectal breach comin' up. Suck it in! Incoming! Just like Winnie the Pooh. That was an incredibly daring escape. Alright, here's the deal. You and your men stay up here. When I have him, I'll call for backup. I'm counting on you, Sheriff. You've taught me so much. Fuck this asshole. Let's go back to the station house and cornhole us a drunk. The whole fuckin' world's against us, dude, I swear. Put the monkey down and your hands up! Let's go, misters. You want to get shot? I didn't think so. Look, man, she doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay. For the record, as we're on the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy. For one more record, he loves the cock. On your knees, Texas Pete. Let's go. See? Lining us up like fucking circus seals. Me first. I don't want a mouthful of monkey spit if I gotta blow a G-man. What do you mean? No-one's gonna get blown... Wow! These guys are good. Very good. Hey, law dog. See you in hell, cock-smoker. Fuck me...! Hey! Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey. Hey! That monkey don't belong to you. Man, who the fuck just steals a monkey? This blows, man. We have one day to stop these fucks shooting this movie. They took the one thing I had left from the one woman I loved enough not to stick my hand down her pants. Go after the monkey? How the fuck do we know where that car is going? Don't just point, like... You gotta take a shit? No, you gotta take a salad. What the fuck are you trying to say? Just say it! It's not 20 questions. You can always tell that stupid Amy story but you can't spit out, "Yo, Jay, I disagree, or "Those are good cheese fries." Just fuckin' say it already! The sign on the back of the car said "Critters of Hollywood", you dumb fuck! Say it, don't spray it. "And might I add, that is one fine-looking boy you are raising." If it isn't the wildlife expert. Your office faxed this over. The guy said it was a post from an internet chat-board, signed by a Jay and Silent Bob. "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay." "You are the ball lickers." "We'll fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like bitches." "Once we get to Hollywood..." Hollywood? What? It's not like cheating. Justice blew up. Here's the plan. First we find out where they're shooting this movie. After we bust that shit up, we start looking for the monkey. First we need a motherfucker in the know. Like the Mayor of Hollywood. Crack. Want some crack? Get you high. No, man, but you want some weed? You on the job? Yeah, boy. Jersey local 404. Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles Local 305. Oh, shit! What up? Man, it's a small world. I got a question. You dudes on medical out there in Jersey? Shit, no. We might have to strike in September. Man, Norma Rae like a motherfucker. You know where they're shootin' a movie round here? You ask me that in Hollyweird? Be a little bit more specific. It's by Miramax. We gotta stop people calling us names on the internet, even though it's not really us, but characters based on us, then find my ex-girlfriend-who-was killed-in-a-car-explosion's monkey. Man, I don't know what the fuck you just said, little kid, but you're special, man. You reached out and you touched a brother's heart. I'm gonna give you directions. Give me the map, Scott. The map, Scott! You know where Miramax is? Miramax? Miramax accounts for 78 percent of my business out here. Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob? A source at a Federal Wildlife Marshal's office tells us a posting was pulled off an internet chat board, allegedly written by the two domestic terrorists. It's causing shock in Hollywood. Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios. Jules? Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is one of terror today, after Federal Wildlife Marshals learned that hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob have targeted Miramax for their next campaign of blood, violence and monkey theft. In a posting pulled off of Moviepoopshoot.com, the gruesome twosome threatened, and I quote, "Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax expletive deleted, who are making Bluntman and Chronic, we'll make them eat our expletive deleted, then expletive deleted out our expletive deleted, then eat their expletive deleted which is our expletive deleted that we made them eat." Unquote. We've been unable to get a statement from anyone at the studio. But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob? None whatsoever. But to be fair, nobody is 100 percent sure what Jay and Silent Bob look like, so for all we know they could already be here. Jules, word is that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are shooting... OK. He's got a pass. Let him in. We gotta play this just right. BOTH WHISTLE Hey! You don't have a pass. I hate how fake Hollywood is. Where do you think you're going? Don't! Echo base, I've got a 10-07. Two unauthorised on the lot. Need backup. "I thought that was a 10-82." A 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer. "That Affleck. Backup on the way." I'll make you a deal. This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go. Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is homosexual. How about this deal? He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk-off. Alright. Make it fast. And sexy. It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail. I was a guard. And after it's all over you say, "Ooh, what a lovely tea party." What the fuck you waiting for, bitch? Start sucking. Bong! Worth a shot. Like a shot in your fuckin' mouth, you gay bitch. Dude, you were really gonna suck my dick. Now, remember what I said. Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes or you will be fired. Does everybody understand that? Thank you. You frosted your hair. Yeah, I frosted my hair, but it looks good. This has got to be the Bluntman flick. That's the two fucks from the Mork movie. Lips, teeth, tongue or lion face? Lion face. Lion face. Lemon face! Lion face. Lemon face! Break it down. Where we taking it from, Gus? Gus? I'm busy. You're an artist. Go from, "It's a good cause." Are you director? Shove it, Bounceboy. Remember who talked who into this shit. Talking me into Dogma is one thing... I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever gay, serial killers who ride and play golf, touchy-feely picture you planned. You haven't seen Forces Of Nature? You're like a child. What have I said? Do a safe picture, then the art picture. Then sometimes the payback picture cos your friend says you owe him. Or you go back to the well. Or do Reindeer Games. See, that's just mean. All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to them. Get over here. OK, you, little kid, you're here. Your buddy right here. Just stand here and react. Don't say anything. Especially you. Pretty funny. Lock it up, we're going for picture. Make it happen, guys. Get you fuckin' hands off me. Fuck off. On three, we rush these fucks and beat the shit out of them. If they're all fucked up they can't make that movie. Ready? One, two, three! Good Will Hunting II - Hunting Season. Scene sixteen, take five. Think about the paycheque. OK. So, action, Gus, or...? Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy. Yeah, I do remember the class. But frankly, I found it rather elementary. I remember that class. It was just between recess and lunch. Are we gonna have a problem? Again? I was still just hoping you might be able to give me a little insight into the Southern Colonies. See, Wood says... What did I say? You'd be back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood. But you forgot about Vickers. No, I just read Vickers. I'm up on inherited wealth. But you're no longer the angry, brilliant, young mind you once were, just itching to vent your frustrations. No. You stopped hitting the books with a vengeance and now I've read shit you haven't even heard about yet. Face facts, my friend. You're just no longer that good, Will Hunting. Now how do you like them apples? I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. What're we gonna do? Chuckie Yeah? It's hunting season. Applesauce, bitch. < WHISTLE) Sorry to interrupt, sirs. We have a 10-07 on our hands. Jesus. Again, Ben? No. Bullshit! I wasn't with a hooker today. There they are. Affleck, you were the bomb in Phantoms. THUNDER RUMBLES (PHONE RINGS) You bastard, let's see who you really are. Fucking Miramax. Cut. Shannen, usually I say cut. A monkey, Wes? Jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore. Market research says people love monkeys. We love this monkey. See? Punch it. Those are some magical guys. (BOTH SCREAM) Dude, I fucking knew it, man. You love that shit, don't you? Holy shit, that looked like it hurt. Are you guys alright? Let's get you on your feet. Wait a second, aren't you that guy that fucked the pie? You see, man? It's never, "Hey, you were in Loser, you rocked in Boys And Girls." It's always that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it. You put your dick in a pie. Enough! Jason Biggs. Did you really get to third base with that Russian chick? You mean Shannen? No. Man, she is fuckin' fine. If I was you, I would've been like... You like that? What, you never did one of these? I've done plenty of that, my friend. Holy shit, you're the Dawson. Actually, James Van Der Beek. What's with Pacey stealing Joey from you? I would have drowned his ass in the creek. You actually watch that show? Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine. Ever get to third base? Actually, there was one time... Wait a minute, who are you? They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass. Right? Of course. Stunt doubles for what? For the movie that we're shooting. Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back You're doubling me, obviously. I'm playing Bluntman, AKA Silent Bill. Bob. Right. And he's playing Chronic, AKA Ray. Jay. Fuck! Did you even read the script? A script? There's a script, for this? You would last a day on the Creek. Wait a second. Be right back. Fuck you and your Dawson's Crack. Go to hell, Pacey. Go to hell. These fucks are playing us. You take 'em out, no movie. Useless little ape. What's with the weird, gay huddle over there? Let me put my arm here... What's gay about it? It's two guys talking in a corner. Why are you such a homophobe? Always, "That's gay, look at that gay huddle." "Look at that gay dog." Dude, that is so gay I... I love gay people. I'm sure you do. Look at the monkey. You saying the monkey's gay? How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole? He's so cute. We go in swinging and don't stop until these Hollywood fucks are out of commission. Ready? Break! That's one funky monkey. (BANGING ON DOOR) Mr Biggs, Mr Van Der Beek, this is Security. Two intruders crashed through a window we believe might be yours. Yeah, they're in here. Do they have you held hostage? Shall we call your publicist? No. We kicked those guys asses bad. Real bad. Well, great job, sirs. If you let us in, we'll take over from here. No, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here. Butt-naked. Together. OK. Well, we'll wait out here until you clean up. What do we do? How do we get out of here? You've got the wrong guys. Doesn't anybody watch the WB? I'm a teen idol, dammit. Don't you recognise me? Look at me. I'm the pie-fucker! Yeah, well, in prison, he'll be the pie. This was a good idea. In these outfits we're totally incognito. Mr Biggs, Mr Van Der Beek. Great, you're in costume. Let's get to the set. The director doesn't like to be kept waiting. Look at all these crackers. 70 million dollars, I can't even get a black grip. It's a damn shame! Here's your coffee, sir. You spit in this? I didn't, sir. Any boogers in it? No boogers, sir. You went to film school. Must piss you off to see a black man running a big production like this. Went to film school! Does your daddy know that you give a nigger his coffee? It would kill him, wouldn't it? There's no boogers in it, sir. Then, taste it! Taste the booger flavour. I know it's there. It's all good, sir. No, it ain't. Clean that shit up. Get me a white boy. Get me a blond-haired, white boy so I can enjoy that shit. You the man, sir. You the man. That's the problem. Chaka? I'm Banky Edwards, creator of Bluntman and Chronic. We met before. I'm the Executive Producer. You the Executive Producer! Why don't you executive produce me a latte, de-crackernated. OK, Fucky? It's Banky. No, it is Fucky! I respect your work as an artist. I'm something of an artist myself. I was the inker on the comic book. A tracer. Nobody will tell you. You trace around the lines. You are a tracer. Did Fat Albert have a tracer? No. Bill Cosby did it all with a roller. And it was excellent. Cracker...? Biggs and Van Der Beek are on set. I don't see them! Where are the stars of this shit? This must've set them back a couple of hundred. Get out of my way. What the fuck is that? Look at this. A gay hood ornament and the colour purple. Who the fuck are you? The director, Chaka Luther King. That's who the fuck I am. Wait a second. Banky and Holden created this shit. I'm stealing it. Taking it back for the black man, to make up for all the shit you motherfuckers took from us. Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street before PBS? The white man stole it. I was gonna call it NWP. Niggers With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it? Enough small talk. Let's shoot. Wait, aren't you gonna direct us? I'll direct you to the unemployment line if you keep back-talking me. We don't know what we're doing. It ain't that hard. I film the motherfucker. Then I yell cut and run the fuck out of here and go to my trailer, which has more white girls than the first lifeboat on the Titanic. They all want a part in my movie, and I got just the part. So, you ready to do this? Let's roll with the new. Quiet on the set, everyone. Quiet! Picture's up. New coffee, sir. Booger-free. Get the fuck outta here. You guys look pretty bad-ass. Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back scene 37, take one. What're we waiting for? Action! Snoochy-boochies. What the fuck? (CACKLES) You thought I'd never find your precious Bluntcave, did you, Hemp Knight? But now, you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp of Cock-Knocker! Why do they call you Cock-Knocker? There's a funny story behind that. You'll love this. True story. Avenge me, Hemp Knight. I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody. Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman? Duck, pie-fucker. Damn, these white boys can't fight. Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son. Yo, bitch-fists! Call me Darth Balls. Good Lord... That wasn't in the script. So this is Hollywood? Well, then, lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob. Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches! Sorry. That was supposed to be a warning shot. I'm obviously on the wrong set. Is he gonna be OK? Not good. You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek. Man, this movie will make House Party look like House Party 2. Or House Party 3. Shut the fuck up! Chaka, call off Dawson, will you? Can I get a cut here? Not again. Now whose balls have been busted, bitch? That's it! I'm out of here. I'll be in my trailer. What the fuck? The CLIT stops here, Jay and Silent Bob. Another white boy in this movie? Damn! Federal Wildlife Marshal. Everyone stay cool. Go back to making your movie. These men head a terrorist group wanted for abducting a monkey. They didn't really steal that monkey. It was a diversion so we could steal these. And they do not run CLIT. The CLIT is not real. No, the CLIT's real. It's real. It's the female orgasm, that's the myth. You know what I mean? Are you guys alright? But you blew up, Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck. You remembered. It was a frame-up, Jay. Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I are international jewel thieves. We set you up as a patsy, but I couldn't do it because... Because I love you. Yeah? That means you'll fuck me? Of course. If she does it'll be necrophilia. Because she's gonna be one dead bitch. Jussy, we get you at a bad time? Should've let these guys go down. I wanted to but this angel popped up and said "Listen." I... Shut up or I shoot you where you stand in your pansy red booties. Holy shit, these are pansy red booties. Why the fuck didn't you say? Let's have those diamonds. I can't do that. Then lover-boy gets one in the fuckin' brain. Lovely ladies! Would you like a private audition to be in my movie? Bring that ass over. C'mon! Crazy crackers with guns. Time to get my black ass outta here. You let me down. Throwing it away for a stoner with bad pronunciation. What's it to be? Which fighting style shall I kick your ass in? Are you kidding? I taught you your moves. There's no style that I can't defend against. You can't match my Shaolin Monk. Try my Crouching Tiger. A little Venus Flytrap? Dragon Queen. How about a little Bitch, my man ain't your baby's daddy? Bring it on. I hope one rips off the other one's shirt and we see some titties flopping round in the air. Mr Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek. I just wanted to say hi. I'm... Banky fuckin' Edwards! Just the motherfucker we came to see. Holy shit. What are you doing here? Why are you shooting at me? Two reasons. One, we're walking, talking bad girl cliches. And two, because you're a man! Only on the outside. Stop the movie? Are you crazy? These assholes on the internet are calling us names cos of this. The internet is for slandering anonymously. Stopping the flick won't stop that. This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. We stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker. Y'know, I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax films paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you on some website is none of my fucking concern! I think it is. We had a deal on the comics for likeness rights. As we're not only the artistic basis but also the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic, when said property was optioned by Miramax you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to a new medium. As you failed to do that, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position. You'll ruin my movie career. We want something for our mental anguish. Let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half what I make. Half? Not enough? Fine. Two thirds. Fuck you, you said half. You can't take it back. Done. Your shit is so tired, Justice. Call me Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck, bitch! Hello? Truce? I think I killed both of them. I am an excellent marksman. I've always... (GUNSHOT) Ugh! Come on, you guys, it's over. Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck? I was about to get your back. Holy shit, the cops. We gotta go. No. I'm tired of running. Marshal? Hey, are you awake? Wake up. Oh, my God! I'm paralysed. That monkey shot me in the ass and paralysed me. Sweet irony! You're not paralysed. It was just a tranquilliser. Jesus! Tranqued by a little monkey. My friends in the Bureau will never forget this. You have friends in the FBI? They all made it in. I failed the exam. Why else do you think I became a Federal Wildlife Marshal? I'll tell you why. Because I'm a joke. Maybe not. I can make you a deal that will get you into the FBI, regardless of test scores. What kind of deal? Drop the charges against Jay and Bob and say you never found the ape. In exchange, I'll give you the diamonds and turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy and me. I want a reduced sentence. You'd be willing to do that? For him, I'd be willing to do anything. I'm an international jewel thief who's facing jail. That's OK. I'm a junky with a monkey. If I go to prison, will you wait for me? I don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out? Don't change the subject. Will we fuck when you get out? Snoogens. There's a lot of love in the room. Regardless of what you may have heard, I do not kiss guys. OK. Play it cool, hotshot. Sorry, Justice. We gotta go. Stop stealing monkeys. Fuck you! Fair enough. Wait for me. What, here? Well, boys, you're rich, in love. You're in love. And you got your own monkey. What more could two guys from Jersey want? To have these fucks stop talking shit about us on the internet. I told you, there's not much you can do to stop that. Short of showing up at their houses and beating the shit out of them. All the money we're making could buy a lot of plane tickets. # How many people wanna kick some ass? Yeah? Do you post as... ..Magnolia Fan on Moviepoopshoot.com? Yeah. Did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob." "Fuck them in their stupid asses?" Yeah, a while ago. So? # How many people wanna kick some ass... #? On Moviepoopshoot.com did you say Jay and Silent Bob are, quote, "Fucking clown shoes. I'd kick shit out of them for being so stupid"? Yeah. Really? That's right. That's it. Right. That's right. That's right... # I think I'll kick some ass! # How many people wanna kick some ass? # I would if I could # But I make no sense to everyone else...! # That's beautiful, man. That was worse than Clash Of The Titans. I can't believe Judi Dench played me. Remind me to renew that Restraining Order, so I can blast that flick on the internet. Hollywood never makes a decent comic-book movie. Tell 'em, Steve-Dave. Stop that! Well, that was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up. Yeah, sis, but it was better than Mallrats. At least Holden had the sense to keep his name off of it. Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead? The one with you and him and your relationship. Chasing Amy? That'd never work as a movie. But... I'm so fucking embarrassed. Honey, you should be. They took your characters and turned them into a 90-minute gay joke. Like Batman and Robin again. Thanks. That means a lot from a guy who pretends be Shaft as opposed to the guy who takes shaft. I don't hear you complaining. I don't get to the movies much, but Bluntman and Chronic is blunt-tastic. Are these leg cuffs really necessary? Don't make me shoot you, Justice. The party's over the street featuring the greatest band in the world, Morris Day and the Time. # I... I've been watchin' you # I think I wanna know you # I said, I... # I'm so dangerous # Girl, I'd love to show ya # My jungle love # I think I wanna know ya # Jungle love # Girl, I'd love to show ya # You... # You got a pretty car # I wanna drive it # I said, I... # Driving is dangerous # I'll take you to the crib Rip you up # Jungle love, oh, yeah, yeah # Think I wanna know ya # Oh-ho! Jungle love # Yeah! # Girl, I'd love to show ya # Get Jerome # I think we need to fuck him up again, turn that shit around I'd be like, "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob, the fuckin' mack-daddies of fuckin' Jersey?" And she'd be, "I read on the internet you guys are a couple of fuck-holes!" (BOTH LAUGH) I got a bearskin rug! Y'all sing! (ALL) # Oh-he-oh-he-oh! I got a fireplace so I can't hear! (ALL) # Oh-he-oh-he-oh! # Only way now is with them hands (ALL) # He-oh-he-oh. # All the things I could do to you! # Break! # Yeah...! # (SCREAMS) # "Because I Got High" - Afroman www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 # I was gonna clean my room until I got high # I gonna get up and find the broom but then I got high # My room is still messed up and I know why # Cos I got high, because I got high Because I got high # I was gonna go to class before I got high # I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I got high # I am taking it next semester and I know why # Cos I got high, because I got high Because I got high # I was gonna go to work but then I got high # I just got a new promotion but I got high # Now I'm selling dope and I know why # Cos I got high, because I got high Because I got high # I was gonna go to court before I got high # I was gonna pay my child support but then I got high # They took my whole paycheque and I know why # Cos I got high, because I got high Because I got high # I wasn't gonna run from the cops but I was high # I was gonna pull right over and stop but I was high # Now I am a paraplegic And I know why # Cos I got high, because I got high Because I got high # I was gonna pay my car note until I got high # I wasn't gonna gamble on the boat but then I got high # Now the tow truck's pulling away and I know why # Cos I got high, because I got high Because I got high # I was gonna make love to you but then I got high # I was gonna eat yo pussy too but then I got high # Now I'm jacking off and I know why # Cos I got high, because I got high Because I got high # I messed up my entire life because I got high # I lost my kids and wife because I got high # Now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why # Cos I got high, because I got high Because I got high # I'm gonna stop singing this song because I'm high # I'm singing this whole thing wrong because I'm high # And if I don't sell one copy I know why # Cos I'm high, cos I'm high Cos I got high... # # Cos I'm high, cos I'm high because I got high... # # My name is Afroman And I'm from East Palms, yeah # And all the damn weed I've been smokin' is farmer's hash... # I don't believe in Hitler That's what I sang # Yes, so all of you skins # Please give me more hair... # Snoogens. What's that? What the fuck do you think it means? It means I'm kidding. IMS Subtitles