1 Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (SCREAMS) ALL LAUGH RAUCOUSLY OK. Here goes. Cloning is a troubling issue. I like the ones where the mouse kills the cat. What's in the box, Mom? This box? Oh, nothing. Are you sure? You sound nervous. Well, anyone would be nervous with all the economic turmoil you read about in the... Get her! She's doing something! (GRUNTS) It's the Goodwill truck! (GASPS) She cleaned out the attic! Our junk! And the exits are sealed. Go to plan B. (GRUNTS) Push! (GRUNTS) Come on! Go! Go! I'm trying! Stop yelling at me! Oh, no, you don't! (GRUNTS) Oh, precious heirlooms. Daddy would never let them take you. (YELLS CONTINUOUSLY) Ooh! That was scary. We came this close to losing our spare Christmas-tree stand. You monster! Look. Here's the box from my Pitch Back. If I still had it, I could put it in here. Oh, I'll never get rid of this useless junk. Useless?! This flash-cube has two flashes left. You guys never use any of this stuff. Look at these. You bought them after the Nagano Olympics and never skied once. If you would just stop being so impulsive, maybe... Hey, let's go skiing right now! Let's go skiing! Let's go! ALL CLAMOUR Aww. OK, here it comes. Keep your eyes on the chair. Look, Dad, it's the drummer from Bread! Where? (LAUGHS) (YELLS) (SCREAMS SHIVERINGLY) (SIGHS) Oh, this chair lift sure goes high. Oh, finally. MARGE GASPS Some gentle rocking will relax you, Mom. CHAIR LIFT CREAKS Stop it! Ugh. See, Mom? You conquered your fears, and now you're ready to sk... I'm sorry! Hmm... 'The Widowmaker.' Oh, that one's for the ladies. 'Spinebuster.' Boring. Ooh. 'Colostomizer.' (YELLS) Don't hurt me! Here's my wallet. (LAUGHS) Hi-diddly-ho, schuss-in-boots. (GASPS) Flanders! That suit's a little revealing, isn't it? Well, it allows for maximum mobility. Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all. (SHRIEKS) Quit it! Must wash eyes! Uh-oh. OK, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said. If you ever get into any trouble all you need to do is... Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all-- nothing at all-- nothing at all! (YELLS) Stupid, sexy Flanders! Ow, my legs! This is the worst pain ever... (YELLS CONTINUOUSLY) (SOBS FORLORNLY) Single. (PANTS) So hard... but so rewarding. (CHUCKLES) Downhill skiers missing... fun... Oh, who am I kidding? Wow! What a perfect scene. This was so worth it. Don't worry, little friends. I won't hurt you. ALL SNARL (SPITS) (SQUEAKS) (YELLS) Leave those deer alone. But they were trying to eat me. (CHUCKLES) Those deer? But they... Come on. I'll drop you off at the lodge. ALL HISS Whoa! Fat 540! I'm getting aggro on this kicker. Stomp that pickle revert. Excellent. Your lingo is progressing nicely. Can I go to the bathroom? Say it in 'snowboard.' Um, I got to blast a dookie. Dook on! Snow Fox at 5 o'clock. # Move it in, shove it out, disco lady. # Is this seat taken? I think that's an armrest. So... do you party? You mean, like, uh... hats and noisemakers kind of party? Sure, baby. Whatever your trip is. Disco Stu wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing. Who's disco Stu? BART AND LISA: Hey, Mom! Hi, pumpkins. Kids? # Back away, not today, disco lady. # Have you been in here all day? You missed all the fun. Skiing fanny-first into a crevasse isn't my idea of fun. The only risk I'm taking is running out of marshmallows. (LAUGHS) Ow! ALL SHOUT Aw, man, another clock accident. No wonder. Look at this. That ought to hold it. That ought to hold it. CLOCK CREAKS I want my wife to get the best treatment money can buy. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't go nuts. Aah... better than that. Perfect. SIREN WAILS Yeesh. I can't believe she went home with those guys. 1 Well, as you can see it's a compound fracture. The leg must remain motionless otherwise a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain. (CHUCKLES) I can't be in the hospital. Tomorrow is laundry day and I've got to de-meat Lisa's bologna. We'll be fine, honey. The main thing is for you to get better. And don't worry; all the laundry and dirty dishes will be there when you get back. No, they won't. We'll all pitch in on the housework. Right, guys? Guys? (CHUCKLES) Take that. Hey! Hey! Sweetie, it's nice that you want to take charge around the house, but don't be a hero. Just make sure your father eats all his meals over a tarp, but not the good tarp. I want you to get married on that some day. Oh, Mom, I've seen what you do around the house and I can handle it. Maybe I can even make things more efficient. Oh, really? Well, knock yourself out. Just don't expect any miracles from those two. BART: I got you. Good Lord! You're wasting thousands of dollars worth of interferon. And you're 'interferon' with our good time. Well, I'll be. That cured my canker sores. (YAWNS) Morning. Dad, where are your clothes? I don't know. Don't tell me Mom dresses you. I guess, or one of her friends. OK, now we're going to draw jobs from the chore hat. Come on, bikini inspector. 'Scrub toilet'? OK, that was a practice. Practice. Practice. OK, here we go. 'Feed fish.' I'll supervise. The reason for the hat... Oh, it's a great hat. No one's questioning the hat. Will you at least do the dishes? Lisa, I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice. See? There it is. But that was a practice. The system works. Come on, eat, you lazy fish. HORN TOOTS Oh! You're going to be late. Here are your lunches, and no trading your fruit for firecrackers. Oh, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets. You stay away from Lenny. And where's your sweater, Bart? It unravelled on a nail. That's not true; he left it on the bus. You're dead, squealer. Those boys of mine. Mrs Simpson! What are you doing? I couldn't sleep knowing that window had a smudge on it. You're here to rest. If you want the window cleaned just push the call button. Oh, I don't want to be a bother. Wouldn't bother us; it just turns up your morphine. Oh, so it does. Stop pushing that! Mr Sakamoto is here for your accupressure. Now, Mrs Simpson, just lie back and relax. Mr Sakamoto wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing. Oh, I don't think I need any... Oh... oh, wow. OK, guys, dinner's ready! The cheese isn't quite melted. Let me just pop it back in the... (GROWLS) Here you go. (GASPS) Slivered almonds for the green beans. I'll be right back. (BELCHES LOUDLY) (SIGHS) So, how was your day? Oh... Bart, you were supposed to scour the pans. They need to soak. You said that four days ago. Look! They're rusted through. It's an illusion. No, it's not. I got the groceries. Good. Maple soda? A cellphone full of candy? Astronaut bread? It's the bread of astronauts. I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal. Dad, I gave you a list. Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES) You were way off. (GROWLS) Hello, Lollipop Island. There's a little girl here who had too many sour balls. (SIGHS FRUSTRATEDLY) Anyway, where were we? Hello? Hello? They hung up. PHONE RINGS Talk to me. Hey, Mom, how's the leg? Leg? Oh! Oh, that. It's pretty great. How are things at home? Oh, couldn't be better. Marco. Marco. BART: Polo. Marco. Polo. Marc... CRASH! BART CHUCKLES So, Mom, you think you'll be getting out of there soon? I don't know, honey. I've got a lot of therapy left. I really thought I could handle this, but... I really thought I could handle this, but... I think so, too. Bye. DIAL TONE Oh... 'I LOVE LUCY' PLAYS ON TV RICKY: Lucy? LUCY: Waaah! FRED: You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. BOTH LAUGH TV PLAYS LOUDLY > (GROANS) Will you guys turn that thing down?! Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have? LUCY CRIES ON TV HOMER: (LAUGHS) He hit her again. MUMBLES: Stupid... I've never seen... I can't believe it. LUCY: Losing your marbles, huh, kid? (SHRIEKS) Lucy? Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo Carmichael, and I think there's some more. What are you doing here? I came from heaven to help you get revenge on these bums. Is there an ashtray around here? Will this do? Thanks, doll. Now, we need a scheme to teach those slobs a lesson. You mean like when you hid inside the congo drum to scare Ricky? Hey, stay away from the drums. That's my bit. I got it! Here's what you do. Wait until they fall asleep, then you sneak into their rooms and make sure they're fast asleep... (SNORES) HOMER SCREAMS BART: My skin! My beautiful skin! (CHUCKLES) HOMER: Lisa, help! WHINES: What's wrong with us? Oh, I don't like the looks of this. You don't? 'Cause that's what I said. Tell her, Bart. Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor. Welcome to Virtual Doctor. From the makers of Dragonquest and Sim-Sandwich. Enter symptoms now! Let's see. Crusty sores. Yes. Horrible wailing. Yes... yes! Any exposure to unsanitary conditions? Duh! We're pigs! OK, and... diagnose. You've got leprosy. Leprosy! Leprosy! BOTH SCREAM Unclean! Unclean! Unclean! Unclean! Help us, Virtual Doc! Look at me, I'm on my knees. Goodbye. BOTH WHIMPER Excellent. Leprosy? I can't believe it. That fortune cookie was right. Why would God punish a kid? I mean, an American kid. Now, guys, leprosy thrives in filthy conditions. So your only chance is to clean up the house. I'll get you a couple of mops. Mops? The cure sounds worse than the disease. At Sunday school they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude. Jesus? Yeah, that sounds right. I think we're on the outs with him, but I know someone who's even holier than Jesus. DOORBELL RINGS Hi-diddly-ho... (GASPS) BOTH GROAN Maude, come quick! The Simpsons are covered with cooties! Help us! We're diseased! Oh, no! That's leprosy! Remember those scary lepers in Ben Hur? You saw Ben Hur without me? We were broken up then. Well, that's no... (YELLS) Brains! Brains! Use your brains to help us. Your delicious brains. Oh, those poor souls. What's the Christian thing to do? Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you, you wonderful man! All right! Food! Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd. Here you go, lad. Todd, no! Listen, Homer, we'd love to help you but we're not really set up for lepers. So you're shunning us? No, no, no, no, no. I'm just thinking we could send you to a better place. You know, a place where they could really take care of you. Oh, thank you, good sir! (GROANS) (GASPS) Ooh, that smarts. Boys, get the alcohol-free alcohol. We'll just get this cast off and you can go home to your... Oh my Lord! Well, it has been a week. Code blue! 1000ccs of leg wax, stat! Lazy no-good lepers. Making me clean everything myself. PHONE RINGS MOE: Hey, is Homer there? No, he isn't. I don't know where he is. I'm a little worried. He usually stops in for an eye-opener on the way to work. He told us he'd been going to the gym. (CHUCKLES) Wow. Anyway, you don't think he could be at another bar, do you? Because I couldn't take that. I-I just couldn't. I... (SOBS) Don't hang up on me! MARGE: I'm home, everybody. Gee, the house looks great. Mom, I lost Dad and Bart. Lost them? What do you mean? I tricked them into thinking they had leprosy. Hansen's disease. You know, like that horrible cream soda? Well, Dad and Bart ran away and no one seems to know where they went. OK, OK, calm down. They couldn't have gone too far. 'Molokai'? You mean, Hawaii? Mm-hmm. That's the one. They've got a top-notch leper colony there so we shipped them right off. Ooh, cost us a bundle, too. I guess we'll have an imagination Christmas this year. BOTH: Yay! Imagination Christmas! I got a pogo stick! I got a hula hoop! Whoa! This is a hospital? That it is. We'll take the cure, bag a few lobsters then watch some gay guys get married. Ah, you must be the Simpsons. Howdy. And thanks for not recoiling in horror. Thank you for the friendly howdy. Do we get a room with a view? Oh, you'll have a great view of the whole beach from the electric needle room. Really? The whole beach? Yes, from the electric needle room. Electric needle room?! ELECTRICAL ZAPPING HOMER SCREAMS SCREAMING CONTINUES Glad that's not me. BELL RINGS Time to turn over. Here they are. Oh, thank God you're all right. Dad, Bart, I played a horrible trick on you and I'm really sorry. You don't have leprosy. It's just oatmeal. Yeah, we know. I figured it out after I ate one of my chest sores. Well, then let's get out of here. No way. We scored a free Hawaiian vacation. This place is a blast. All we have to do is endure two hours of blinding pain, then it's nothing but shopping and surfing. Tonight we're gonna put our fake our sores back on then jump the fence at Club Med and scare the normals. Well, it all sounds lovely, but.. Come on. Loosen up. This is paradise. MAN: Number one, report to the dermabrasion hut. That's me. (SINGS CHEERILY) Homer: # Aloha # SANDER GRINDS HOMER SCREAMS # Aloha # SCREAMS # Until we meet agai... # SCREAMS SANDER GRINDS Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016