1 Captions by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 BELL RINGS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) D'oh! Ahh! Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy. Bill. Bill. Ooh! Llib! Eh, wait a minute; bill! Huh? READS: Springfield University homecoming. Finally, a chance to relive my golden college years. Dad, you only took one course. Remember my love affair with Ali McGraw? She used to call me Preppy. Then she died. Oh, there's a homecoming parade a cocktail party... Then the big game between Springfield U and Springfield A & M. I hate Springfield U so much. You went to Springfield U. You hate A & M. So much. My old dorm room. Come on, baby. Let's matriculate. (CHUCKLES) You college boys are only interested in one thing. Whoa... You're supposed to hang your necktie on the doorknob if you got a girl in the room. Or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl. ALL LAUGH My old room-mates, the nerds. Ah... you working? Oh my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge. (COUGHS) Cyborgs. I invented a program that downloads porn off the Internet one million times faster. Does anybody need that much porno? Oh, one million times. CROWD MURMURS Yeah, so because of me all the dorms now have security phones. (SIGHS IN DISGUST) TAPPING ON GLASS And now let's give a warm alumni welcome ` uh, you know, clapping ` to Springfield U's all-American place-kicker Anton Lubchenko. AUDIENCE CLAPS In home country, growing up in filth Lubchenko dreams to play USA football. On my father's deathbed, he made me promise to... Long story short, go Springfield U. Yes. Thank you, Anton. Now, folks, a seven and five football season doesn't come cheap and this is a fund-raiser. (SCREAMS) Seal the exits. All right now, let's empty our pockets. Make me. Professor Rocco... Chancellor Knuckles. Wait... OK... (WHIMPERS) Get every dime. The Whifflesnuffs need new cummerbunds. The Whifflesnuffs need new cummerbunds. # We look like slobs. # I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money. That dean is going to get an indignant e-mail. You should do it with bold red letters. My computer has 512 shades of red. Have you nerds forgotten everything I taught you? This calls for a prank. I see a bucket. (HUMS MALICIOUSLY) (CHUCKLES) Oh, this is going to be so great. I think I know that guy. He ran over the dean five years ago. Punch up that picture. All right, now age the picture five years. That's him. Good work. Now, let's see who's having sex at the library. Aw, they scrambled it. So when Dean Peterson opens his door this bucket of superglue is going to drop right on his head. What the...? Oh... (GRUMBLES) Oh, real original. Who did this? Kappa Gamma Tau. Last in grades, first in pranks. BOTH LAUGH Good evening, gentlemen. Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean. (YELLS) Now who's the dean? (GRUNTS) Oh... sorry, Dad, it just won't budge. I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat but your father kept eating it. Oh, couldn't you try a non-delicious fat? (CRIES) Oh... there's no such thing. Hmm... I'm afraid it's hopeless. Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man. So he's stuck like this for ever? Oh, now don't fret. These days, the victims of comedy traumas or 'traumedies', can still lead rich, full lives. (LAUGHS) Sorry, but these guys crack me up. What guys? I want to see the freaks. Hang on, Homer. Two eyeholes coming up. Easy... easy! Too far. Homer... maybe I should drive. What? I can see fine. KIDS SCREAM That had nothing to do with the bucket. Oh... where are we? Brother Faith's Revival? WOMAN: Pray for the healing love of Brother Faith. Whoo! Good Lord. Oh, I feel it in my belly now, Springfield. Mm... can you feel the power? ALL: Yes! Do you want to be saved? ALL: Yes! Now, correct me if I'm incorrect, but was I told that it's untrue that people in Springfield have no faith? Was I not misinformed? MUMBLING The answer I'm looking for is 'yes.' The answer I'm looking for is 'yes.' ALL: Yes! # Now let's hear it for the Holy Spirit. # No need to fear it # just revere it. # He works in heaven # that's 24-seven. # That's right! # Check the Bible, yeah # John 2:11. # Jump back. # Wow. He dances better than Jesus himself. What ails you, my son? I done spraint my elbie-bone so it goes in the opposity di-rection. The power of faith compels you! Heal! Take that, Satan. Praise the Lord. ALL: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! It was a miracle and it was gross. Cool. What affliction be-plagues you, my friend? (WHISPERS UNINTELLIGIBLY) Come again? He paralysed his vocal cords cramming too many K sounds into a punchline. Oh mercy, well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for... Feel the power! CHOKING SOUNDS Release this clown! Have you gone completely fakackta? Hey, I got my comedy K's back. King Kong cold-cocked Kato Kaelin. Hey, you gentiles are all right. (KISSES NOISILY) Wow. Is there anything he can't do? Cure me! Cure me! Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate. Yeah, and I got a bucket on my head. Oh... Oh my. Satan really jammed that thing on good. I'm going to need a holy helper. Someone who believes. No. OK, moving on. I need someone with the power. This golden-haired little boy. Son, lay hands upon your father's burdensome bucket. Now proclaim, 'I have the power.' MEEKLY: 'I have the power.' Oh, say it like you mean it, boy. 'I have the power.' 'I have the power.' ALL GASP I see the light. It burns! Hallelujah! Behold... this child has the power. ALL: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Uh, miracle boy, I believe I had hair. Oh, here they are. 1 Ah, you two were great tonight. You didn't bite me or anything. Oh, how's that little rattle doing? RATTLING Excuse me, Brother Faith. I got to know ` how did you really get the bucket off my dad's head? Well, I didn't, son. You did. God gave you the power. Really? Hmm, I would think he would want to limit my power. (CHUCKLES) Oh, yes, Lord. When I was your age, I was a hellraiser, too. My slingshot was my cross. But I saw the light and changed my wicked ways. I figure I'll go for the life of sin followed by the presto-chango deathbed repentance. Wow, that's a good angle. But that's not God's angle. Why not spend your life helping people instead? Then you're also covered in case of sudden death. Full coverage. Huh... Then I said, 'I have the power!' And the bucket came off. Cool! Wow! Can you heal me? I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy. I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy. Devil be gone! Ow! My milk money! And my milk. Ew! Ew! Ew! You did it, Bart. He really does have the power. Go forth and spread the word! Spread it! KIDS YELL Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype. Number of miracles performed by Bart: two. Number performed by Lisa: zero. How can you believe all this mumbo-jumbo? The bucket came off Dad's head because the bright lights heated it causing the metal to expand. 'Heat makes metal expand.' Now who's talking mumbo-jumbo? (GRUNTS) I can't come up with an idea for my homecoming float. Do it for me. What have you got so far? (LAUGHS) Look at Moe dance. # Aloha, Moe. # That's nice, but maybe your homecoming float should have something to do with college. Yeah, you're right. I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman. It's not to scale. In his letter to the Corinthians Paul instructed them to send 10 copies to the Thessalonians and the Ephesians. But the Ephesians broke the chain and were punished... I got two words for this sermon: (SNORES, WHISTLES) Am I boring you, Bart? Well, to be honest, yes. Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have. But church can be fun. ALL LAUGH No, really. It can be a crazy party with clouds and lasers and miracles... And chilli fries! A real preacher knows how to bring the Bible alive through music and dancing and tae-bo! (HUMS TUNE) CONGREGATION CHEERS He's kicking it old school! Never give them an opening. Three, two, one, pull! ALL GRUNT That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting. (COUGHS) Hmm, maybe we should air it out a little. (WHIMPERS) (WHISTLES) Ah, ha. Excuse me, neighbour. Ah, yeah, I couldn't help but notice you picked pretty much all of my flowers. Can't make a float without flowers. Oh, true enough, but, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again? (CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY) Yeah. OK, Springfield! How many of you are in horrible pain? How many of you are in horrible pain? ALL: Yes. Then put your souls together for Brother... Bart! > Satan, eat my shorts! ALL CHEER # I was a sinner, a real bad kid. # What thou shalt not, I shalt did. # Neighbour's cat I tried to neuter. # Took a whizz on the school computer. # He took a whizz. Oh, yes, he did. # But now I've changed you can't deny. # Come on up and testify. # Testify, testify. # Come on up and testify. My hip's misbehaving. # Testify. Got a nicotine craving. # Testify. There's a cramp in my glayving. # Testify. # Testify. # Testify. # MUTED GOSPEL MUSIC Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle. # Mi... OFF-KEY: # Michael, row... row... # row the boat... # Is he killing that guitar, Daddy? Yes, son. My glasses make me look like a geek. Now you'll get the girls you seek. GIRLS: We'll see you at Make-out Creek. CONGREGATION: # Bart's the boy of the hour. # He's got the power. # So raise your voice and don't be shy # testi... # testi... # tes-ti-fy. # Testify, testify. Come on up and testify. # Thank you, Bart, for fixing my vision. Now I see with total precision. Song's over, Milhouse, but you're welcome. Nice doggy. BRAKES SCREECH, LOUD THUD Milhouse! Bury me at Make-out Creek. 1 Oh, Milhouse, this is my fault. I'm so sorry. That's OK. You can just heal me again, right? I don't think I can. Please? This cast is real itchy and I tried to scratch and the fork got stuck in there and I think there was some food on the fork. Ugh. OK, I'll see what I can do. Heal... heal. STEADY TONE STEADY TONE (GASPS) Oh, it always does that. (GRUNTS) BEEPING Milhouse, I can't help you. I am no healer. Could you tell my mom I'm here? Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A & M spreads like wild fever. This... This is writing? I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus. MUTTERS: Thesaurus. You'll lose more than that. In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional-seating-capacity fever. (GROWLS) Whoo-hoo! Go SU! A & M is going to kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we was founded by a cow. Whoa, Nellie, we have ourselves a barn burner today. Welcome to the 117th dust-up between the snorting swine of Springfield A & M and the Springfield University nittany tide. Oh-ho, Doctor, break out the hickory switch. OK, who needs another lamb rack? Lisa, ham hock? Tri-tip? Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered? Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness. Well, hang on to your hoopskirts, folks because Anton Lubchenko is going to be kicking higher than a mule on pay day. Oh, land o'lakes! Take that, ozone layer! Oof! What a glorious day to be that man's foot. (KISSES) Whoa, Annie get your radar gun! 'Cause that tamale was one tall drink of water. Wow! He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London. SLURS: You just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge? Now, ladies and gentlemen pour a little cider on those peepers 'cause here comes the half-time parade! (GASPS) I forgot my float! Quick! Pass me down! (GRUNTS) OK, Lis, if they don't have tabbouleh what's your second choice? They'll have tabbouleh. You're the miracle boy with the healing hands arrgh... aren't ya? Nah, I don't do that any more. So I guess I'll have to see someone else about my crippling depression. SOFTLY: Arrgh. Wow... and I thought he had it all. # ...and I owe it all to SU. # An overdue tribute to half-time itself. And as those lumbering ships of the gridiron sail off into our memories the players return to the field. Wait, wait! I got a float, too! Listen up, 'cause I got to explain a lot of it! ALL BOO Boo? Hey, look out! He's nuts! Out of the way, Baryshnikov! (YELLS IN RUSSIAN) TYRES SCREECH ALL GASP He hit the star player! Dad has the worst luck when he's drinking. Now, does this hurt? Now, does this hurt? Aah! Now, does this hurt? Aah! Just a simple yes or no. Oh, I only wanted to show my school spirit. I wagered a large sum on the performance of that scholar-athlete. CLICK! (SOBS) No! Wait! I got a kid who's a miracle worker. He'll heal him up real good. Well, he'd better, or else. Or else what? Oh, right, the ice pick. Bart, I need a miracle! Sorry, Dad. I can't just magically cure a broken leg. Please, Bart! You've got to use your powers. I'm begging you. (GROANS) Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread. Lubchenko must return to game. (CHUCKLES) Oh, your playing days are over, my friend. But you can always fall back on your degree in... communications. Oh dear Lord! I know... is phoney major. (SOBS) Lubchenko learn nothing, nothing! (SOBS) Bart, do your thing. (GULPS) OK, God, if you did give me a power, let it work now ` not just for me, but for my dad. Heal, heal, heal! Oh, Doctor, with SU behind and seconds left my supply of homespun sayings is lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Tillie's root cellar. So we'll... Oh, jumpin' crawdaddies! Is that Lubchenko coming back on the field? ALL CHEER Bart did it! And they're going to try for a field goal! A field goal? Hmm... 19, 20, 21. (GASPS) That would win the game! ALL CHEER ALL GROAN ALL CHEER I did it! I did it! My leg... It broke off! Yes! Poor guy, he lost his leg. No, no. No, the fans will whoop it up with that leg tonight ` you know, drink beer out of it and so on. But, uh, it'll turn up in the morning and I'll sew it back on. Will that really work? Well, I assume so... as long as I have Bart's healing powers. Why won't anybody listen to me? I don't have any special powers. I am not a healer. Fine. More money for me. Captions by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 Shh.