1 www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) TYRES SCREECH D'oh! Now, remember we have to leave nature just the way we found it. Everything we pack in, we pack out. What if I have to do my business? Use this plastic bag. Oh, how come bears can crap in the woods and I can't? Ah, we're so lucky to have this untouched piece of paradise so close to Springfield. BUZZING Bees! They sound angry and Africanised. OK, nobody panic. There's plenty of spray for me. TYRES SQUEAL That doesn't sound like bees. Oh my God! It's a racetrack. Ah! The bird sanctuary. They ruined it. No, they didn't. They just surrounded it with something wonderful ` like a raisin covered in chocolate or a monkey in a cowboy suit. See? Animals can get used to anything. Squawk! Start your engines! Show us your boobs. Show us your boobs. You better do what he says, Marge. Cool! Way to adapt, little guy. Why do jerks think everyone wants to see their stupid name? Sorry to break up your picnic, folks. I'm two-time fast-car champ Clay Babcock. You're on fire! Yeah, I have won a lot of races but it's all thanks to my crew, really. Eh! Ah! Hoo! There it is. Mr Babcock, can I take a ride in you car? Well, my A car was just incinerated. But, uh... you could ride in my B car. I don't see why not. Bart, these are the time trials that determine the pole position. Shouldn't you keep your hands on the wheel? Oh, sure, if you want to drive the traditional way. Sorry. Whoa! Boy, these cars are surprisingly roomy. Yeah, we like to bring our families along on the longer races. If I get tired, I let my wife drive. She's good. Get your feet off the upholstery. I got some spare tickets if you'd like to stick around for the race. That's very sweet but we have a full day of hiking planned. We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving. Hi-diddly-ho, pedal-to-the- metal-o-philes. Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool? Well, I don't care for the speed but I can't get enough of that safety gear ` helmets, roll bars, caution flags. I like the fresh air and looking at the poor people in the infield. Dang, Cletus! Why did you have to park by my parents? Now, honey, they's my parents, too. ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, start your engines! Daddy, can we move closer? Abso-not-ly, hot-Roddy. We're up here out of range of the crashes and the drivers cussing. Move your damn butt! Move your damn butt! Bite me! ALL GASP ALL GROAN DISAPPOINTEDLY ALL GROAN DISAPPOINTEDLY ALL GASP ALL GROAN Come on! Somebody crash! Be patient, son. A watched car never crashes. CRASH! Oh, I missed one! Let's go! Let's go! The dice! The dice! The dice! Eight seconds. Great job, boys. Let's go! New tyres! Come on! Come on! We're going as fast as we can. Hey, who are you? Oh, how rude of me. My name is... My bad. And now, here's something for the guys. Finally. Let's hear it for Fan-demonium! Hey, racing fans, who wants a free T-shirt? ALL YELL I do! I do! Wait. No, I don't. Hmm. A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet. Don't you usually laugh at everything? Yes. Yes, I do. Come on! Right here! CROWD GASP I'm OK, folks. DISAPPOINTED GROANING I need a shirt! Give me a shirt! Mommy has bosoms like that. Yeah, I wish. Neddy, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll get some hot dogs. No foot-longs. I know. They make you uncomfortable. Well... I guess no one else wants a T-shirt. That's a damn lie, and you know it! Give me a shirt! You heard him, girls. Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt! Fire! Ooh! A bobby pin. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) Maude? Oh my Lord! She's dead. (ALL YELL) (GRUNTS) D'oh! 1 It's hard to believe we're never going to see Maude again. And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Well, from now on I'm never going to let you leave the room without telling you how much I love you and how truly special and... This is really eating up a lot time. Maybe just a pat on the butt. Yeah, that works. Now, Homie, you know Ned and the boys need us, and you know what that means. I know. No more being a jerk. That's right. In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catch phrases or... comical accents. Aye. Aye. Arrgh. (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) But whether you noticed her or not Maude was always there and we thought she always would be. My friends, life is about change. Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor... BABIES SCREAM Yes, thank God those days are over. And the Van Houtens were enjoying a story-book marriage. Yeah... lots of story books have WITCHES. Shut up, Kirk. Sorry. And now the good people at Fan-demonium, as part of a generous settlement, will fire a 21 T-shirt salute. GUN COCKS GUN COCKS GUNSHOT (PLAYS BAGPIPES) Finally! Ned, my friend, please know that the Kwik-E-Mart is there for you 24 hours a day. Oh, thank you, Apu. And I'm going to give you all of Maude's frequent-Squishee points. The boys at headquarters will not like it but I'm getting pretty sick of them and their Bombay attitude. Yeah, that's enough there, 'Pu. Look, Ned, I know we ain't hung out much what with your insane fear of drinking and me being banned from the church and all. But, uh, but that Maude, she was really something. Oh, wasn't she? Thank you, Moe. I appreciate that. No, I really mean it, though. I mean, if it was you that died I would have been on her so fast... What are you saying?! What? Nothing. She was hot! What, you can't take a compliment? Hot?! You... monster! That's good. Now, let it out. That's it. Send me to Maude. That's it! Oh, here I come, baby! Oh, yeah! Bart? Honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd. Aw man, why does everything bad have to happen to me? When I'm feeling low you know what always cheers me up? Is it love? Kindness? Ooh, tough room. Video games! What do you got? Billy Graham's Bible Blaster? Keep firing! Convert the heathens! Got him. No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian. No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian. Look out, Bart! The gentle Baha'i! All right! Full conversion. Thanks, guys. This really cheered me up. This really cheered me up. TV: Second coming. Reload. Reload. Can we play now? You are playing ` we're a team. Yay! Yay! Now, if there's anything, anything at all I can do to help out... Quit hogging Flanders. I want to comfort him. That's nice of you, Homer, but I think I'll just go to bed. Then I insist on walking you home. Homer, this really isn't necessary. Those feelings are normal, Ned. They're part of the process. Watch the sprinkler. Watch the sprinkler. Hey, that's MY sprinkler. It's natural to feel that way, but the sprinkler is gone. It's time to let go. I just bought that. I know, I know. It's never easy. Do you want anything else? Water? Chilli fries? How about some white noise? (IMITATES WHITE NOISE) (YAWNS) You don't have to... (SNORES) Sleep tight, Neddie. ROCKS CLACK What the...? Oh, you want a rock fight, eh? No, Homer! I just need to talk. OK, be right down. Heh-heh-heh. I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I can't believe my last words to Maude were 'no foot-longs'. Yep, it would have been a lot better if you'd said 'I love you' or 'You're special' ` you know, something sweet instead of that hot-dog crack. If I'd only been a gentleman and got the hot dogs myself she'd still be here. Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone preventing any possible resuscitation... but, uh, there's no point in playing the blame game. Eh, you're right. I just got to work through the grief. There's not going to be an easy answer. Easy answer, eh? Oh, yeah, that's it, baby. That's the money shot. Yeah, the camera loves you. (CHUCKLES) You tease, you. Why are you taping Flanders, Dad? You'll see. Do you even HAVE a job any more? I think it's pretty obvious that I don't. OK, I finished the gardening sequence. OK, from here, we star-wipe to a glamour shot of Flanders paying his bills... then we star-wipe to Flanders brushing his... Dad, there are other wipes beside star-wipes. Why eat hamburger when you can have steak? I'm taking my name off this thing. So, how you doing, Ned? So, how you doing, Ned? Oh, it's been a hard couple of months but I feel like I've turned a corner. Well, that's all going to change, thanks to this tape. Tape? Now, the audio needs some tweaking and there's some footage of Maggie being born that I couldn't get rid of... Anyway, enjoy. HOMER: Single women of Springfield your prayers have been Flan-swered... Ned Flan-swered, that is. Is this a dating video? Is this a dating video? Shush. HOMER: What would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car? That's Ned Flanders, a man who's not afraid to cry. Hey, Ned! (SOBS) So that's why you maced me. So that's why you maced me. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Ned does everything with class. Whether he's punching in his ATM code... or keeping clean in the shower. Homer! But don't take my word for it. Listen to this testimonial. Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman, or gay. He looks like a cuddler, that Ned. I... I like that. I like to be held; I like to be pampered... I like to be held; I like to be pampered... GUNFIRE, TYRES SQUEAL HOMER: So if you're tired of dating the same old losers... What are you doing, Homer? ...step up to the best. Ned Flanders, the man with the chest. (PANTS FEROCIOUSLY) (GRUNTS LOUDLY) Eeuw... Now, we'll just send this to the dating service the chicks'll fall for you, and bam! The healing begins. Homer, you obviously went to a lot of trouble, but dating? It just feels way too soon. Oh-ho-ho, that's great! Chicks really dig sensitivity. Did you get that, Bart? Got it. Beautiful. And star-wipe and... we're out. Hmm... Well, with triple-word score, that's 90. I guess my luck is starting to even out. I'm just a Q without a U. (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) CHUCKLING CONTINUES Hello? Mailman? (ALL YELL) (GRUNTS) D'oh! 1 These are the women who saw your videotape and are interested. And feel free to root around in the one-nighter bin. The bin is spoken for. Are you going to call all those women? No, the tapes will do just fine, thank you. Homer, I'm having second thoughts. This feels so disloyal to Maude. Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in heaven? You think she would? You think she would? How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors. John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes... Sherlock Holmes is a character. He sure is. (GROWLS) FLANDERS: OK, here goes nothing. WOMAN: If you select me you'll get a lot more than a Wharton MBA pulling in 200k. You'll get a woman who's poised, articulate sophisticated, confident and highly sexual. Hang on ` I'm getting a fax. Damn, I've just been indicted. We're going to have to reschedule. How's your July? Well, I... Mine's terrible. Let's talk in August. (SIGHS) Hmm... dinner was delicious, Edna but I can't shake the feeling that you're just using me to get Principal Skinner jealous. Oh, please. I don't care what Mr Engaged-To-Be-Engaged thinks. Hear that, Seymour? Edna, this is childish. Fine, then hang up. I will hang up when HE leaves. (SIGHS) Well, Diane I've sure enjoyed chatting with you about your problems with your mother. Did you hear that, Foofie? Sounds like somebody wuvs us. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, maybe I'll call you again sometime. Ooh, Foofie doesn't like the sound of that 'maybe' 'cause him's a commitment dog. Isn't him? So how'd you do tonight, Romeo? I just can't relate to the women of today, Homer. Ah, it's probably me. I'm about as exciting as a baked potato. You're darn right you are. And you've got lots of other great qualities, too. That's right, Ned. Those floozies we married in Vegas were crazy about you. What floozies? What are you talking...? Marge, we're trying to help Ned. Lord, I never question you but I've been wondering if your decision to take Maude was... well, wrong. Unless this is part of your divine plan. Oh... could you just give me some kind of sign? Anything? Oh, and after all that church chocolate I bought which, by the way, was gritty and had that white stuff on it. Well, I've had it. Daddy, get up. You'll be late for church. You boys can go with the Simpsons. I'm not going to church today. You boys can go with the Simpsons. I'm not going to church today. BOTH GASP That's right. And I may not go to church tomorrow. No, I'm not kidding. I am going to sit right here and miss church. You just watch. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry... While our organist is on a much-needed vacation we thought we'd try something new. So get down and put your knees together for the Christian rock stylings of... Kovenant. Hey, isn't that the bass player from Satanica? I think it is. (GASPS) Electric guitars in church? Oh my gosh. Some drop-outs must have overpowered the Reverend. This is a love song about a dude I met in a sleazy motel. A dude named God. Ohh... # In a motel room in Delacroix # I was drinkin' like a Dartmouth boy # and thinkin' 'bout the wrong turns that I took. # Well, I woke up on the puke-green floor # and opened up a dresser drawer # a-lookin' for a bottle, but instead I found a book... She's talking about the Bible. So? She's good-looking. Shut up. You shut up. # A book about a man. # A book about the dude who lives above. # A book about a man # who drives a pick-up full of sweet, sweet love. (PLAYS SPOONS, HUMS) # Now if you think He doesn't care # or maybe that He isn't there # it's not too late to see how wrong you are. # So when your soul has gone astray # just let God be your triple-A # He'll tow you to salvation and He'll overhaul your heart. # I'm glad you made it, Ned. I knew he would. (GRUNTS) I'll be right back, boys. I'm going to go help that lady. Homer, you help, too. I toileth not on ye sabbath, woman. A pox on thee. (GRUNTS) Ah, that was a lovely song. It really got to me. Been through some rough times yourself? I recently lost my wife. I'm real sorry to hear that. We just lost our drummer to a Pentecostal ska band. I know it's not the same but... No, I hear what you're saying. It's always hard to replace someone. Yeah. My name's Rachel Jordan. If you feel like talking maybe we could grab a coffee. Well, that... that sounds real nice, Rachel but, uh... I'm, uh, I'm not quite... I understand. Listen, we're heading out on tour with the Monsters of Christian Rock. Maybe when we get back, you and I could get together. Maybe we can. My name is Ned Flanders and I'm here every week... rain or shine. # It's a show about Ned, about him losing his sweet wife. # She landed on her head,... # but now it's time to get on with his life. # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014