Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 EERIE MUSIC MUSIC BUILDS MUSIC CLIMAXES MUSIC STOPS Greetings, Muggles. LAUGHTER Oh, my fucking God! He fell for it. I told you he would. It's not really fancy dress, you dick! Oh, what! No way! These are the jokers from my course I was telling you about. You lot! Although technically, I didn't fall for it as there was no way I could have known. Whoa! Where do you think you're going? Into the party. You're dressed like Harry Potter. There's no way you're coming in here, you fucking plum. You could at least have come as someone sexy. Hermione's sexy. What a twat! Mental! Guys! Guys! Oh, piss off, Harry. Well, this is a disaster. I've come down from Sheffield for this. It's OK, we'll still have a good weekend. Ooh! There's a pub I love just down the road. I'm wearing a gym skirt. It's a student town. No-one will care. And no pants. Righto! One side. Nudges! You fuck! Sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry. Ha-ha! Fuck me, what a waste of a weekend. I thought you said they were your best mates at uni? Yeah. Don't worry. I'll find us some mates. I've got this amazing app called Grindr. Made loads of new mates through it. Oh, my gosh. You'll never guess what. Someone's immediately sent you a penis shot? No. Just got an e-mail from Jay. No way. Listen to this. "Dear Neil, you fucking weapon..." 'As you know, I'm on a mental gap year in Australia.' Or Outback - as they say over here. So I thought I'd e-mail you. Not because I miss you lot but because this place is a million out of ten and you'd be well jeal. Life has never been better. It's certainly much better than when I was going out with Jane, who I now no longer think about. I'm living near a town called Sydney and working at the most mental club in Australia called Revolutions. I am now their premier number one DJ... Ladies! ..going by the name of DJ Big Penis, which everyone agrees is the perfect name. I have made so much cash-ola, which is Australian for money, that I've bought myself a fuck-off mansion, and filled it full of pussay! And like Neil's mum's appetite for cock, it's enormous. Before that, I was living with my Uncle Bryan, who's my dad's cousin. Although he is tragic and obviously not as cool as my dad. What's that? Anyway, it will come as no surprise to you the number of Aussie birds I'm rooting, which is Australian for knobbing. Yes! They keep it so clean, I haven't had to wash my cock in weeks. Basically, everything is better than when I was with Jane, who as I mentioned, I no longer think about. On the minus side, I've had to punch out a few koala bears - normally when they drop out the trees and try to fight me. Gah! Mug! Love it! But other than that, it's been bonzer, which is Australian for fucking brilliant! Come and stay any time you like. I guarantee I'll get you sucked drier than Simon's mum's fanny. Say hello to those two other dozy pricks if you see them. Tell your bent dad he still can't bum me. Oh, and tell your fit sister that I'd like to... Oh, no! Come on. What does it say? It says "I'd like to chew on those massive juicy burger nipples "of hers, reach my thumb round and..." Oh, no. It's too much. Hoy! Get off! Hey! Oh, there's more. "Flip her over..." What a lovely e-mail. "Scrooge on her face, over her back, clunge, wellies, anal, anal, anal..." This goes on a bit, doesn't it? Australia sounds like a right laugh. Not like hanging out with you two. I wish I was going to Australia this weekend instead of shitty Bristol. You do know Australia is on the other side of the world? Doubt it. Excuse me. You're on. At last. Something decent. Is this seat taken? Oh, yes. Sorry, it's... Have you got ANY friends at university? Of course I have, Simon. I'm just lucky that I've managed not to get tied down to a clique or a group. I mean, I'm free to hang out with anyone and everyone. Or no-one. Coming from the man who changed universities just to be with his girlfriend. I've got mates other than Lucy. Pete, for one. Who's Pete? Pete from my halls. I must have mentioned Pete. Pete. Pete, my best mate. My best mate at uni. Mmm. I mean, I do spend a lot of time with Lucy, although she has changed a bit since we were on holiday. And... What's the word when someone is not nicer? Nastier? Yeah. I think that's it. Maybe. She's nastier. Right, out. You're barred. Barred? What? Why? That. 'So we're all on the same page. That's me, Will McKenzie, 'seemingly Bristol University's least popular undergraduate. 'And that's my friend Simon, who's got university relationship problems of his own.' Who's this fucking slut, Kirsty Scott? Lucy, are you on my Facebook again? Goodbye, whore! Simon, swear on your hoodie you're not going to cheat on me. What? Oh. No, please, Lucy. That's my favourite. Lucy! Sorry, Simon but I just have to be sure. I just love you so much. I love you too, Cuddles. 'And finally, there's Neil. At least he's made a new friend.' 'As we headed back to my room, if I'd assumed watching some 'low-level bestiality would be the low point of my night, I was wrong.' Oh, not again. Is your room in space? Thank you, arseholes! LAUGHTER OUTSIDE ROOM They've done a pretty good job, to be fair. I fucking hate it here. To be honest, I'm glad I chose not to do uni. More reality than a choice. Exactly. Maybe we should go to Australia. And surprise the fuck out of Jay! I was joking. Why? It's got to be better than hanging around old man's pubs and dressing up as magic. Yeah. We've got four weeks off for Easter and I'm dreading spending it with Lucy. Can we afford it? Well, they invented student loans so students could go on holiday. And I got a sweet bonus this month. Apparently, I'm the cleverest non-Asian in the department. I suppose I have always wanted to go travelling. I think I'd be really good at it. Do it properly, not like Jay. How can you be good at it? Well, he's staying in one place. I'd explore. Meet people. Come back a better and more rounded person. He's getting sucked off every morning. GUITAR TWANGS Fuck it. I'm in. 'So goodbye, shitty Bristol - I was off to Australia.' Now, petal, you know how much I worry, so I got a special holiday gift. Oh, thanks, Mum. It's...a rape alarm? What do you think is going to happen to me? Well, petal, I think you may get raped. Right. Sweetie, I'm just saying it's better to have a rape alarm and not need it than to get gang raped in an alleyway by men you may have, however innocently, led on. Ah! Hello, everyone. Hello, Kevin. You sorry to see them leave? Actually, it's handy Neil's going away. Give me a chance to get some men in. To decorate his bedroom. TANNOY ANNOUNCES FLIGHT That's our flight. I'm going to miss you, petal. Oh, oh. Yes, all right. Get off! Be very careful. SHE SIGHS Your mum looks fit when she cries. Thank you. I bet she looked amazing when your dad left her! Brilliant. 'Off we went, running away from our problems. 'All I knew about Australia was that if it could bite you, 'sting you, or eat you alive, then it probably lived there.' 'But nothing had prepared us for the beauty of Sydney Harbour 'and Neil was particularly impressed.' What the fuck is that? What? That fucking thing. The Sydney Opera House. Nah, that thing. The spaceship. The spaceship. There. Well, that's the sightseeing done. We need to find this club. Hang on. I've got a signal now. Google map to the rescue. It's this way. TEXT MESSAGE No way! That just cost me 20 quid. Data roaming charges are pretty extortionate abroad, Neil. Well, I'll just stand still, then. That's not really how it works. TEXT MESSAGE Another 20 quid! I'm not roaming now, you useless piece of shit! Just switch it off, Neil. Ah! Thanks a lot, Si. It's fucked now. Not sure if that was strictly my fault. 'We left the harbour to find Jay, to see 'if he really was getting sucked off every morning.' Can not wait to see DJ Big Penis rocking the house! No. Nor can I. 'Have you ever taken a backpack or a suitcase to a nightclub? 'No, of course you haven't. Because you're not a fucking idiot.' DANCE MUSIC 'We had nowhere to stay, and surprisingly, 'Big Penis WASN'T the club's premier number one DJ.' I don't get it. He said he worked here. He also said he knocked out a choir and fucked the Minogues. Legend! He's not here. We'll have to spend the night in a hostel. Aren't hostels a bit pikey? Hostels are how everyone does it, Simon. They're full of interesting people who are travelling. Like us. I don't know. We went to visit my uncle Paul in a hostel when he had cancer. It wasn't very cool, if I'm being honest. It also wasn't a hostel. Fine. If it's only night, I suppose. Yeah. At least there might be some sexy nurses there. There won't be. Quick pizzle first. That's it, sir. Wash your fingers for the mingers? No splash, no gash. No Armani, no punani. No Dolce & Gabbana, no sucky your banana... Jay! Jay! Oh, fuck! Jay! Don't think so, pal. The name's Bruce. What? Shut up, Jay! Sorry, fellas. I've never heard of this bloke Jay. Well, it's clearly not him. Let's go. So you're not Jay? I told you. It's Bruce, you fucking drongo. But you've got Jay's face. Nah. Your sign says 'Jay's pussay juice $1 a squirt'. Coincidence. OK, what's happened to Jay? Is this a wind-up? Of course it's a bloody wind-up! Ha-ha! 100% murked! The looks on your faces! You prize bell-ends. I can't believe you fell for that. We didn't. It IS you, Jay! Epic bants! All right, Neil. Calm down. Good to see you, man. Yes. Just to clear one thing up, though. You do work in a toilet, don't you? I can see going to uni hasn't made you any less of a retard. Of course I don't work in a fucking toilet! Why are you working in a toilet, then? It's a joke! Don't worry. It probably went over your heads. Whoosh! I run this whole club. I'm my own boss. Boss of a toilet. Well, drinks on you, then. What, now? Yeah, now. Yeah, great. Perfect. 'Jay's story made complete sense. 'If I ran a nightclub, I'd definitely dress like a snooker player 'and hang out in the toilets.' I cannot wait to hear all them mad bants you've been having. Oh, mate. The bants in Australia are legendary. Obviously, that's cos I've been delivering most of the bants. I'm like Banta Claus! I've got bants. Nudges! You TWAT! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Oh, what! You don't recognise me, do you? Katie? Katie Evans from prep school? Oh, maybe you do remember. I'll never forget that sleepover we had at Lloydie's house. I don't remember that. No, nor me. How amazing to see you. What an incredibly small world. Oh, I dunno. It seems like every kid from the Home Counties is out here doing a gap year. Yeah. What a cliche! So what are you up to? I'm doing a gap year. The standard, India once, India twice, love, heartbreaks, silent retreat, Thailand, scuba diving, broken foot, Nepal, volunteering, volcanoes, Indonesia, healers, Reiki, cafes, tears, revelations, amazing people, amazing conversations, unforgettable and life-changing experiences. You? I'm visiting my friend who works in a toilet. Oh, you always make me laugh, you nutter! What you really doing? Travelling. Out here for four weeks. Oh. So you're on holiday? No, travelling. So what have you been up to without me, then? Must have been shit. I've been at uni. That's bent. What about you? You been getting your dick wet? I went swimming. No, with fanny juice. Oh, all right. No, not really. I worked in a garage for a bit. Now I'm working in the bank. And oh, yeah - you know your cousin Michelle? Yeah. I fingered her. Neil! Tell me you're not staying in Sydney, are you? It's so banker! No! I'm going to, um... Where is it you're going? Byron Bay. Oh, it is awesome. I've got this job there, selling these excursions, like white-water rafting, zip lining, bungee... I was actually just here to raise some cash for the bus tomorrow. Oh, well. It's been nice to see you. What? No, I haven't seen you in ages. Why don't you come to Byron? You're inviting me? Of course I'm inviting you. Come to Byron. You would love the vibe. It's so you. It's just totally chill. Really, I'd love to but I'll have to ask the others. I'll convince them. Is that them over there? No. No, that's not them. Um, but I'm sure my actual friends will be up for it. Yeah. Amazing. Right, well, I will see you tomorrow, then. What? Nothing. Um... See you later...alligator! Love it! I'll see you on the bus tomorrow. Who was that? Katie Evans from junior school. Definitely my first love. That is well Jimmy Savile. She's just an old friend. That you want to have sex with. I think you might want to have sex with me too. She kissed me on the lips. Tongues? No, but... That don't count. My mum used to kiss me on the lips. Yeah, when you were a child. She couldn't have done it any other time. She ran off when he was ten! Girls don't kiss people on the lips they don't fancy. Nah, she is just one of those mouth kissing girls. I met loads of them at uni. Have you? Well, I met one, then Lucy punched her. I'm not surprised the brief case has had a sniff already. Australia is the sex capital of the world. That's why I'm here. You know why they call it down under. It's cos that's where your face spends most of the time. Banter! I've spent plenty of time in the bush, Neil. The bush around the pussays! Bants! Check these out! My new bants! It's like mad bants! I'm the Archbishop of Banterbury! You're the Bantom of the Opera. I don't get it. Whoosh! Bant and Dec! Someone needs tickets to the bantomime! Eric Bantona! Just saying "banta" or "bants" over and over again is not a substitute for actual amusing conversation, you know. Briefcase banta. Jay, what you doing? Your shift doesn't done for another four hours. Good one, Lizzie(!) Get back to work. Yeah, tell you what. You pretend to be my boss. It'll be hilarious. Anyway, come on. We'd better go. Take one step outside that door, you're fucking sacked. You mean, you're sacked! I just sacked you. Don't play the prick. You can't sack me. I just did, mate. Anyway, I'll see you later. I've got to go. Don't think we can't find another bottom feeder to wipe piss off people's hands. Heh! Good one, Lizzie! I can't wait to see the mansion. Can I have a room with a hot tub? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is the mansion? A tent in your uncle's front garden? It's only temporary. My new fuck pad is still under construction. In your mind. I can't believe I flew literally, and I mean literally literally halfway around the world to spend a month in a two-man tent. Jay! Did you sweep that veranda this morning? Yes, Uncle Bryan. Who are these pale little bastards? You butt-fucking boys in your tent? No, Uncle Bryan. These are my friends from England. Simon and Neil. And... And Will. Uncle Bryan, Cousin Shane. How's Australia treating you fellows? Well, what a place. So interesting. Greatest fucking country on earth. I keep telling Jay that he should move here but he still won't. Too much of a pussy, which is a shame, because we could do with some white immigration for a change. Right. Jay's been telling us all about the Sheilas he's been shagging. Has he? That's bullshit. The closest this little runt's come to some vag is when the dog dripped period down his leg, and don't pretend you didn't get a boner! Good one, Bry. What's that? Nothing, Uncle Bryan. Mate, some nights for shits and giggles, me and Shane shine the torch through the tent and we can see him sitting up, all silhouetted, like, bashing away on his little platypus! You understand when I say platypus, I mean cock, right? Yeah. And guess what! He's gone and dug a hole in the ground to fuck! I'm just kidding! It's a worm hole - cos his dick's so small. Get it? But I'm not kidding about the hole. He has got that. And a small dick, which he fucks the hole in the ground with. Right. Um, we should put our stuff in the tent. Oh, all right. Well, I'll see youse later. Hey - careful you don't fall in the fuck hole! He's nice, isn't he? He's all right. He's just... Australian? Yeah. I'd say it's pretty obvious we can't stay in here for four weeks. I propose we go travelling. Oh, my gosh. Think of the bants! Well, if we're going travelling, there's only one place to go. Oh. Uluru? The Great Barrier Reef? Frazer Island? No, none of that boring shit. Splash Planet. I'm sorry? Splash Planet. The whole of Australia and you're suggesting what I presume is a water park? If you hadn't spent the last six months at uni, wanking off to Shakespeare, you'd know that water parks are the ultimate place to fuck girls. Top scientists have proved that the high water pressure on their clitties gives them such a massive wide-on that when they get off the rides, they're gagging for it. No word of a lie. Some word of a lie. Where have these scientists got their funding from? The university of sex? TEXT MESSAGE Oh, fuck off. Oh, fucking leave me alone. Can't I have just one fucking day without you abusing me? Is that your mum? No, Lucy. She burnt my trainers. You need to end it, Si. I know. I know. Just get your dad to text her back and tell her you died, that's what I normally do. Right. I think at least I need to tell her to her face. My uncle's got Skype. You can go and dump the nightmare now. Oh, that's not fair. You don't know her. Although she is a fucking nightmare. I'll do it, Si. No, it's all right. I'm going. Wish me luck. Bad luck. Close enough. KNOCK ON DOOR Cool! Hey! Beer? No, thanks. Is it OK to use the computer? Yeah, course it is, mate. Jay's always on there chubby-chasing. Hmm... 'How do you tell a guy he smells? Do you have a smell intervention? 'Maybe just wait for his birthday and just go, 'Happy birthday, 1 (MAN) THINKS: 'Man, Steve is really smelly. 'Oh, sort that out. 'He smells like a teenager's watch band. 'I look like Tintin. He's cool ` Tintin. 'How do you tell a guy he smells? Do you have a smell intervention? 'Maybe just wait for his birthday and just go, 'Happy birthday, Steve!' CAR HONKS 'Ooh, sorry! 'And for a present you give him a deodorant and say, "Oh, here's a nice necklace. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! CAR RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY OK, I've worked it out. We want to go travelling, you want to go to Splash Planet, which means the best place to stay is here, Byron Bay. With them mouth-kiss birdies? It's 20 minutes outside Splash Planet, right on the beach, there's loads of cool hostels, and it's an easy place to get jobs if we need money. I've always wanted to be a dolphin trainer. Have you? You should go to Splash Planet. You'll definitely get that job there. You won't. Look, we're English, right? Just finishing school in England makes us ten times cleverer than any Australian. We're like doctors or rocket science blokes over here. You can get any job you want. Even dolphin trainer? Course! You just turn up, tell them you're English. I am 100% certain that is not how you get a job as a dolphin trainer. Who's been living in Australia for months, eh? Me, that's who. Yes, in a tent. You calling your mummy for a good night kiss? Oh, no. I have to Skype my girlfriend. You got a girlfriend? HE CHUCKLES Well done, mate, looking at you. No offence, I'm amazed. What's wrong with her? Nothing. I'll be the judge of that. Giz a look at her. Fuck me, dude, she's gorgeous, mate. Right, yeah, I suppose so. Suppose? Mate, if that was my Sheila, I wouldn't leave her side. You're getting married, right? Erm... No. No? Fuck me, mate! Look at that, then look at you. You could live to be a billion, you'd never get a root better than that. You know, we argue a bit and we're quite young. Cash your chips, mate. That's the best you'll get ever. 'At last! Where have you been?! Haven't heard from you in days.' I've been on a plane? 'That was yesterday, you fucking moron.' Look, I think we need to talk. 'Checked your e-mails. 'They're clean for now. What's there to talk about?' Look, I wanted to say... Will you marry me? 'What was that?' No, no. What it was... 'Simon?' Look, what it was was... 'Say it again.' What, "Will you marry me?" SHE SQUEALS 'Yes! Yes! 'Oh, my God, I thought you'd never ask!' No, wait a minute. Lucy... 'What? What?!' Nothing. 'I'm so happy. SHE SQUEALS AND LAUGHS 'Oh, my God. Where's my... 'Where's my phone?' SHE GIGGLES AND SQUEALS Congratulations, mate. 'Where's my phone?!' Here he is! THEY CHEER Well? I can't go back home now. She didn't take being dumped too well? Did not dump her. Have agreed to marry her. Oh, well done(!) You bell end! Genuine question, have I just fucked up my entire life? Course not. Just cos you promise people stuff doesn't mean you have to do it. I once told Comic Relief that I'd raise three million quid for them by selling selfies of my cock. In the end, didn't bother. Right. I mean, I'm not sure how that helps my situation. Just make something up! The drive out to Byron tomorrow is about 12 hours. We'll think of something. Drive? I thought we were taking a bus. Fuck that, I've got a car. Bought it off cousin Shane, and considering it's an awesome custom job, he done me a great deal. Let's sleep on it. I'd really like to get the bus. I'm sure we can reach a compromise. You mean you're going to keep talking until we do what you want? No... Oh, I wouldn't sleep there, Simon. 'So, compromise reached, the next day, we did what I wanted and headed 'to the bus station, which was full of other cool people travelling to Byron Bay.' The Darien Gap is really all that's left of untouched jungle in the world. Mm, yeah. I'm going to do South America, I might try it. Yeah, you don't really "try" it. It's a five day trek and you only sleep in hammocks. Man, I got the shits so bad they used up the whole group's medical supplies treating me. It's so dangerous that most guides, they won't even take you. Yep, I found that. Shame. So, I just walked it by myself, unaccompanied, Panama to Colombia. Unaccompanied? I thought that was illegal. It is, yeah. But it's just better that way, because you meet the real locals and there's none of that luxury bullshit like hammocks and medical supplies, so if you do get the shits, or malaria, like I did, then you just get on with it, you know what I mean? Wow, what an experience. Sounds incredible. Amazing stuff. I'm Will, by the way. You know, I used to have long hair, too. Not dreads, but, erm, pretty long. Yep. Had it all cut just before we came out travelling. Well, that's an interesting story(!) Will, you made it! Byron, here we come. See you've met the rest of the gang, then. Yeah, we were just chatting about South America and my experience with hairstyles and shit. Classic travelling... Will, I've got you that McFlurry and Jay says get a fucking move on. Oh, so, you guys are travelling too? Yeah. Yeah! It's my second foreign holiday in a year. First year we went Malia. We went ironically. It was brilliant. They had jet skis you could rent. Wow! Do tell us more. Well, they're like motorbikes without wheels but on water, yeah? GROUP LAUGHS NEIL LAUGHS Good one! I'm Neil Sutherland, as it goes. Ben. Is that your whole name? No. Oh. Does it matter? It's Ben Thornton-Wilde. Which one? What? Which one, Thornton or Wilde? It's double barrelled. Oh, so, you just choose one depending on how you're feeling? No. No, those are both my last name. What?! Shut up! That is mental! Will, Ben has got two last names but it's actually just one name. Have you heard of that? Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that. ANNOUNCEMENT OVER SPEAKER: 'Departure to Byron Bay.' Finally! You coming, then? Me? Oh. No. I thought you were coming north with me! I am, just not on the bus. My friends wanted to travel by car, so... So, you've been waiting at a bus station for ages in your backpack even though you're going by car? That's a bit weird, isn't it? Yeah. See you in Byron! CAR HORN 'So, off we went. We didn't know exactly how to get to Byron Bay, 'so we just followed the bus that Katie was on. 'Perhaps a little too closely.' She looks well freaked out. Do you think that might have anything to do with the car? Doubt it. Actually, I have a few questions about the car. Fire away. One, just... Why did you buy it? I needed a cool set of wheels and Shane-o did me a deal. Two, is Shane-o a big Peter Andre fan? Shane-o's not stupid. The birds love Peter Andre. I'm not sure anyone loves anything enough to have sex with Shane-o. What are you talking about? He got so much anal in here I had to hose down the footwell. This is the classic Aussie shagging wagon. Is it? It's the fuck truck. The mobile virgin conversion unit. We should use it on Will. Brilliant. THEY LAUGH I can't wait to get a job training dolphins. Even though it is bad how they're treated. Did you know, all they feed them is raw fish? Aw, that is grim. I'd puke if all I ate was fish. That's bang out of order! Imagine it, just raw fish. Their diet is fish. Yeah, cos that's all they give them. But also because that's what they eat. So cruel. You know, no burgers, no KFC, no Nando's on birthdays, nothing. How would you like it? Well, if all I ate was fish, I probably wouldn't mind it. Yes or no, how would you like to just eat raw fish? Well, if I was a dolphin... Yes or no? Look, you can't compare... Yes or no?! These people are marine biologists! Yes or no! It's not... Raw fish, yes or no? No! Correct. Byron Bay, next left. 'Finally, we made it to Byron Bay, and I'd never seen anywhere like it. 'It was buzzing with life. 'Or in Jay's opinion, absolutely rammed full of bell ends.' 'But if there was one place where a car featuring Peter Andre and a pair 'of tits wouldn't raise an eyebrow, it was the Arts Factory Lodge hostel.' OK, Jay, please park the car where no-one can see it. Nope! Oh! Ben! Ben, mate! Man. I meant "man". Oh, hey, guys. How's the holiday? What's on the tourist itinerary for tomorrow? Ha! That's funny, man. You know we're not tourists. Splash Planet. I'm going to get a job working with dolphins. Start at the bottom, work my way up. Like father, like son. His dad's bent. Going to begin with the easy stuff, like cleaning out the cages and that. So, participating in the enslavement of animals? Wow, have you guys even heard of ethically travelling? Is that with Ryan Gosling? OK. We'll see you around. Yeah. Great. When? What? Oh, I just wondered when you'd see us around. Is there a good time? It's a figure of speech. Cool. Catch you later, mate. "Mate". Man! Man. He's all right, isn't he? No, not really. 'The hostel was laid back, cool 'and the kind of place where anything goes. 'Anything except, it seemed, deodorant.' Smells a bit in here. Shotgun. Heh-heh, unlucky. Top bunk wankers. Fuck off, Neil, I want some hottie above me, not your rotting arsehole. I just want to be near you. I've been thinking about it. Do we really need to go to Splash Planet? Yes. Yes, we do. But it's so tacky and gaudy and full of idiots. It's my lifetime's ambition. You first mentioned it yesterday. Don't kill my dreams, Will. Hello, nutter! You made it! So, what are you up to tomorrow? Any plans? We thought me might travel somewhere ethical. An Aboriginal... ..cave. Aw, that's a shame. I'm going to Splash Planet. It looks brilliant! It does, doesn't it? You just said it was tacky. What? Shut up! You said it was full of idiots. Are you an idiot, Katie? They're being funny. Stop being so funny! Well, I must be an idiot, then, because I think it looks amazing! I can get you tickets if you like. Really? Fantastic. Four, please. Cool, done. Right. I'm going to go and sit by the fire. Do you fancy coming? Yeah, I just need to Skype home first, though. My mother worries. Crazy. Right, well, I'll see you in a bit then. You all right? Wait, I'm thinking. About what? Wait! What is it? I'm trying to think if anyone's ever said anything less cool to a girl than, "My mother worries." THEY ALL LAUGH Bye! 'Splash Planet wasn't one of the great Australian tourist attractions, 'but it did have one site I wanted to see... 'Katie in a bikini. 'First, I just have to Skype the other woman in my life.' Really? I haven't seen your mum for six months, I need to refresh the image in the wank bank. Surely watching Simon dump Lucy has to be more fun than this? Nothing's more fun than your mum. SKYPE RING TONE Hello, darling, I can't see you. Yep, you've not got your video on... Same as every time. Where's the button? Where it always is. Where I have to point you every single time we Skype. Yep. Then we have to move the camera down, remember? What camera? Come on, we've done this, the camera is on top of the laptop, just tip the lid forwards. How's that? Move it up! That's perfect. Oh, is that Neil? Can you both just fuck off? Will, don't be rude to your friends. He gets grump-grumps when he gets tired. Just move the camera back! Finally. Look, I just wanted to check in, tell you I've actually met some great new people and... Oh, is Grandma staying over? No, why would you say that? You've got two bowls and two mugs out for breakfast. Oh, yes, so I have. So, who's staying over? Your grandma. You just said she wasn't. Did I? I think it must be the connection, darling. Yeah, there's terrible connection. You're breaking up. I love you, speak soon. SKYPE HANG-UP TONE She's getting fucked, I reckon. Meanwhile, it was second time lucky for Simon. The only way this Skype with Lucy could go worse than the first, was if he somehow got her pregnant. 'Hello, baby boo. I love you.' Lucy? 'Come on, now you say it.' No. Look, Lucy, there's something I need to do. 'Oi-oi! Put it away, 'there are elderly people present.' What the fuck? 'Just popped round 'to see our new daughter-in-law.' 'Simon, we're so delighted for you. 'You'll have to start planning as soon as you get back, I suppose.' Yes. Thanks to stating the fucking obvious. Oi! This is a happy occasion. It's OK, it's an emotional time. 'Come on, Pam, let's leave these two lovebirds to it. 'Now, don't you two get carried away, me and your mum have seen 'plenty of videos that start like this on the internet. 'Plenty.' 'Alan, please.' They're so nice. They're fucking idiots. Well, we've all agreed on a date, so, that's good. You've set a date? And, I've got all my bridesmaids sorted. I just hope Jane will come back from Australia. No, Lucy, I'm in Australia, not Jane, remember? I'm not fucking senile, Simon. I know you're there, she's there too. Why didn't you mention it? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot I'm meant to give you minute-by-minute updates on my friend's movements. OK, so, Susanna's moving in with Steve because she's missed her period. And Louise is back in Coventry because she's self-harming again. Is that enough detail? Yes, that's great, thank you. ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC 'The vibe at the hostel was incredible 'and it was clear we weren't at home any more. 'Things were different, and it was nice to see that Simon, Neil, and especially Jay were embracing this new environment. Oh, no. If anyone starts playing the bongos, I'm leaving. The bongos start, I'm burning the place down. Open your minds, guys. We're backpacking now. Get into the backpacking vibe. Vibe? We're by a fire listening to some posh prick play guitar, how much more backpacking can it get? Please don't ruin this for me. Katie... Nudges! Enjoy the trip? Are you OK? Yup, yup. Totally fine. Good one, man. Looks like you got front row seats. Mm... Yeah, lucky me. At least you're here to cheer me up, though. Hi. Katie, can I play you a song? No, I'm good, thanks. God, that guy can be such a dick. Really? Yeah, look him. He always has to be the centre of attention. Yeah, how can anyone wear that many friendship bracelets, no-one's got that many friends? And how is giving anyone the stinking piece of old string a show of friendship? I know, right? I mean, I only wear, what, like seven? Actually, I made one for you, do you want it? Yeah, great, I love these. OK, Katie, this is your last chance, what can I play for you? How about the Sound of Silence?! KATIE LAUGHS What the fuck? Oh, Jay, you know Jane's in Australia, right? What, who? You remember, the fat bird that dumped you? She did not fucking dump me, Neil. But you cried. Yeah, tears of joy, probably. Yeah, well, Lucy told me Jane's here, in Australia. So? Like I give a shit. Weird though, isn't it? Amazing coincidence. Maybe she's come to get you back? She should be so lucky. You know the first rule of Banter Brigade? You're only allowed one fatty. Hah! No, that, that is a very funny joke, though. But, no. What is it again? I know it, but I've just forgotten for a minute. All the F's. Oh, yeah, find them, fuck them, forget them. No, Neil, ALL the F's. Find 'em, frenchie 'em, get 'em frothy, finger 'em, frig 'em, film 'em, flange 'em, flick 'em, fanny-fart 'em, fuck 'em, frot 'em, fist 'em, felch 'em, finish with 'em, and then finally, forget about 'em. Just like what I done with Jane, or whatever her name was. Sorry, I switched off after three. You're saying you aren't bothered about Jane being here? No. Did you know that laughter is intensely spiritual? So, that means that you're very spiritual. Would you say you're spiritual? Erm... It's quite a vague way to describe a whole person. Could you just narrow it down at all? So, what I'm saying, right, is that I think you're spiritual. Yep, and I'm saying that's great, really great, but what you mean by that? I don't want to sign up to something I'm not. Oh, OK. Actually, I've had a think about it and I am spiritual. I knew it! Do want to get drunk? On goon? Yes, please. Did you really not know Jane was in Australia? Don't talk bollocks, Si, if I'd have known that, why would I've come here? Because you want to get her back, because you miss her? Is your lip all right? (Yeah.) She's at the water park, isn't she? That's why you want to go there? I made a mistake, all right. I made a mistake and I'm trying to make it better. Why didn't you go and see her before? I was building up to it, and now you're here, I'm going to do it. So, just don't fucking tell anyone. Tell anyone what? About your dad's world record. My dad's got a world record? Yeah, most dog's cocks in one mouth. Hey, hey, hey...it's the dudes. How are we, dudes? Am I right in thinking my young friends might be up for a little... Darts? Oh, I don't think they've got a board. You guys are so funny! No-o-o-o, anyone mind if I skin up? As if. See, Stephen, n-o-o-obody fucking minds. That's right, run away from our problems like you always do. MOBILE PHONE BUZZES Oh, fuck. Oh, fucking leave me alone. Oh, God, do I really have to marry that lunatic? Well, I asked her. So, yes, I have. God, how has this happened? Marriage woes, yeah? Dr Dooze prescribes a toke of Justin's finest. A friend with weed is a friend indeed. Erm, all right, cheers. Si? What? I'm a fucking mess. She's cutting up all my hoodies. Oh, God. Ha-a-ah...yes. Fucking hell, mate. You are the full package. You're funny and spiritual. I can't believe you're single. It is hard to believe, but I am single. I never know when you're joking and when you're not. Let me tell you, if you could play guitar, I would jump you right now. Actually, I can play guitar. Fuck off! I've had a lot of time on my own at uni to practise. Fucking knockout. Go on, then, mate, give us a song. OK... Hey, Ben, man... can I have a go, man? Wow, erm... Well, you don't really have a go at the guitar, not in front of this many people, no. I just want to play a song for a friend. For Katie. You sure you got this? I think so. There's quite a lot of people, so... Yeah, I can handle it. OK, well, just go for it, man. I'm trying to. Just take the guitar. Remove your hand from the neck of the guitar, then. Well... Yep, thank you. Thanks, man. This is a slight change of mood, but, yeah, I hope you like it. (HIGH-PITCHED) # The first time # ever I saw your face... # What is he doing? # I thought the sun... # It's weird, I don't like it. # ..rose in your eyes # And the moon and the stars... # I'm trying to stop watching, but I can't. # ..Were the gifts you gave # To the dark # And the empty sky # And the first time # ever I kissed your mouth # I felt your heart # So close to mine Right, well, I'm going to bed. Neil, you coming? No, I might wait a bit. # The first time... # ..Ever I saw your face # Your face, your face # Your face, your face. # Your face. Oh, this is very nice. Is it a little bit public? No-one cares. Ooh...hello, I sort of care. Um. Should we be doing this here? This is what travelling's about. Now get in bed. I'm on the top bunk. Look, you just lie there and I'll ride you. Oh, what is this? That's very hard. Sorry, let me get that out of the way. This is someone else's bed, let's get on my bunk, it's just up there. You are so sexy. Um... Katie, this is great, but you're very drunk. Why don't we get a hotel for tomorrow? My treat, my treat. Anything, you're gorgeous. Sh... Ahhh... Oh, what? You're no fun... I am, I am fun, it's just... Here? Come on. Let's have fun. Here. Your friend is asleep on my bed. Ah! Now, this is not what it looks like. HIGH-PITCHED ALARM 'After I'd explained to everyone that it was my rape alarm 'and once they'd stopped laughing, we got some sleep. 'The next morning, Simon was the first person in history to get 'the munchies ten hours after smoking a joint.' You two not having breakfast? No, I've got that Irritable Bowel Syndrome and it gets worse when I get stressed. I'm finding travelling stressful. You should have seen me sweating in the toilet block this morning, it's not even runny, it's just massive ones firing themselves out. All this foreign muck I'm eating don't help. You've only eaten McDonald's. Yeah, Australian McDonald's. Good morning. Here he is, the singing sex pest. Say what you like, the song worked. Someone had a good night, then? Yes, after the unpleasantness with Agnetha was sorted out. I think we have to call last night a success. A beautiful girl wants to have sex with me. Oh, and there she is. Yoo-hoo! Katie... Katie! Katie! Oh, fucking hell, mate, there's no need to shout. Oh, goon hangovers are the worst. Look, it's all right, mate, I can walk. God, I was so pissed last night. You were a little, you passed out. I remember, like, an alarm, or something. Nah, don't worry about that. Apart from that, I literally cannot remember a single thing that happened. Nothing. It goes straight from sitting round the fire to puking this morning. Oh. Oh, my God, did we? Well... Sort of. We fucked? No. Did we kiss? Yes! Ah-hah-hah! Oh, my God, that's so funny. Isn't that funny?! A bit. God, I'm so bad when I'm drunk. Bad? Oh, no-no-no, no, not in that way, not that you're not... Oh, my God, I'm digging myself in a hole here. Change the subject, Katie. Listen, I'm going to go and get some breakfast, and I will catch up with you in a bit, OK? I've got to work out what adventures people are on today. Oh, have you got the money for those Splash Planet tickets? Yes, of course. How much do we owe you? 400 bucks. 400? I thought it was $75 a ticket? It is, but there's this premium when I get them. It's just a thing. Oh, OK, cool. Looks like I'll have to get out my mum's emergency stash. Oh, all right, kinky. No, no, it's not that. She gave me a bit extra for emergencies as a precautionary thing. Well, cheers, mate. I'll see you at the water park. So, what's this about then... Wait... I'm thinking. JAY AND NEIL LAUGH 1 # Swim, swim, swim, swim, swimming # Just taking your life. # 'To be fair, Splash Planet looks amazing. 'And even though Jay insisted that 80% of the water was 'made up of vaginal fluid, we still couldn't wait to try out the rides. 'And better still, work there.' Excuse me, I'm looking for a job as a dolphin trainer. Are you a qualified marine biologist? No, but I'm English. OK, we don't have any jobs, but you can swim with them for 75 bucks. Oh, cool, like work experience? No. All right, I'm in. Did you get the job then? Nah... That's well racist. I'm going to swim with one, though. And I'm going to give it the time of its life. Is it just me, or did it sound like he's going to wank off a dolphin? That is what it sounded like. 'We split up and I went to find Katie. 'Last night she said I was sexy, so, today I just have to seal the deal... 'by laughing at anything she said or did.' Got you... Oh, yes. Yes, you did! What a good joke that is! Always funny. Hi. Oh, let's get on these rides, then. It's the best hangover cure EVER. Yes. The water pressure on some of these slides is quite... ..high. Oh, look out, hypocrite alert. Ben... you came. Cool, Hi! Hi. Yeah, well, I wanted to see what the tourists do around the place. I'm not a tourist, man, I've got a backpack for one. In Bolivia, they say if you put a shell on a donkey, does that make him a crab? I don't know what that means, Ben. You'll find out. Right, let's find some flumes. Let's go. 'Jay and Simon had left me to, as Jay put it, '"chase after Katie like a little prick." 'While they, for some unknown reason, headed to the Lazy River, 'a child's ride.' Does Jane work on this ride, then? No, but as you can see from this map of the park, the Lazy River pretty much covers the whole place. So, basically, we get on, drift around until we see her. Simples. I don't know if that map is entirely accurate, there are pirates and crocodiles having a sword fight on it. It's a map, all right. Maps don't lie. I'm so sorry if the kids are bothering you. Oh, God, no of course not. No, not at all, I love kids. He's a paedophile. JAY LAUGHS Seriously? I'm trying to help you. All right. Nudges! NEIL LAUGHS Sorry. Sorry. Sorry 'Nudges was fast becoming no-one's favourite game. 'Meanwhile, Neil was teaching some animals only slightly cleverer than him, that there's more to life than fish. OK, guys, now you get some very special one-on-one time with your dolphins. If you'd like to take your positions... Hello, gorgeous. Come here. Good boy! This is amazing. Look, apparently I'm not allowed to train you, because it turns out this lot are well racist. But, there's one thing that I can give you that they can't. DOLPHIN SQUEAKS On land, we call that a burger. McDonald's probably do the best one, followed by Burger King. DOLPHIN SQUEAKS Oh, you like it, do you? Come on, that's got to be worth a kiss. Mmm-mwah-mwah. Oh, lovely. 'They say dolphins are clever, but what they don't tell you is 'they're also greedy little bastards. 'Meanwhile, Jay and Simon were sticking to their terrible plan.' This might not be the quickest way to search the park. No, it will be fine. It's a matter of time before we find her. Chill. Jay? Is that him? Yeah, Dad, that's him. All right. Hey, mate, what are you doing with those kids? No, wait, my friend was joking. You're disgusting. I don't love kids. I hate kids. They're not sexy! Please. 'Meanwhile, I was trying to impress a girl I'd recently fingered to sleep.' Oh, my God, this is the one. Rapids Racer, it's amazing. You race other people down rapids. Cool, how about me versus beaky, then? Loser has to do a naked streak around the park Yeah, that's hilarious. Will, you're up for it, aren't you? I would be, but I'm... Boring? No, Ben... Scared? No, Ben... Ashamed of your tiny penis? No, Ben, actually I get nosebleeds. What? I think he said that he gets nosebleeds. Eeeh! Come on, let's race. Will? What happened to you? Oh, er, I was waterboarded on the Lazy River, because Jay told some parents I was a paedophile. Pretty good. Where's Jay, now? He's gone to find Jane. Jane? That's why he's in Australia, he found out she works here and he's desperate to get her back. I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but...after that, fuck him. Will, come on! What about your nosebleeds? Did you want something? Er, yeah, I'm looking for someone that works here, a girl called Jane. OK, we've had a few Janes, what does she look like? She's got, like, red hair, quite big. But, no, beautiful really. Like, really, really beautiful. Oh, yes, I know Jane. Yeah, she's a stunner all right, huh? So, whereabouts is she working today? Oh, she left about a month ago, mate. She got her dream job working with horses, or something. Did she say where? No, sorry. Outback somewhere? Oh, that's all right. I guess I'll head to the outback and go find her. To the outback? Yeah, you'll find her, no problems. Will I? Jamazing! Are you some kind of moron? Of course you fucking won't, the outback's enormous. No, you'll never find her. Is your lip all right? Yeah. If she gets in touch, do you want me to tell her you're looking for her? No, it's cool, I'm not even bothered. I've got some stuff to sort out in... Vietnam. Like CIA shit. Basically, I'm getting my own private train with a machine gun on front. I'm going to drive across the country just standing up, firing out the machine gun as it goes along, so... DOLPHIN SQUEAKS Now it's time for some chicken. Sh, don't tell anyone. DOLPHIN SQUEAKS All right, all right, but this is the last one, it's the bollocks... Meatball sandwich. DOLPHIN GROANS Wake-up. One, two, three, four... Come on... 'We'll never know for certain exactly what killed the Dolphin, 'but we do know that Neil did it. 'There was tension in the air as we waited to race, 'and tension in the queue as Neil barged past with his irritable bowels.' WET FART Excuse me, out of the way, Get in line, mate. No, I've got mates... I'm just going up there. All right, how were the dolphins? Dolphins were fine, totally fine, why wouldn't they be? Only asking. Well, I don't want to talk about the fucking dolphins, OK? FART Oh, my God. Fuck. Soz, that's my irritating bowels. Next two up. Good luck, boys. See you at the bottom. Oh, and don't forget, loser streaks! Oh, seriously. I would have thought it would have been gone by now. It's a new one. Jesus, Neil. I can't stop them. Again, next two. WET FART Will, I got an issue. Ready to lose? I'm not, but you are. Will... I'm not going to lose. What's that, mate? Will... No, I'm going to win. Will, Will... I can't lose. We'll see about that. Will. I don't lose. You wish, jellyfish. What? Will... Will, I need help. That last one... I... I think maybe I followed through. Go! LAUGHTER Look, it's my bowels, they disabled. Oh, no... Will! Will, poo. Poo! Poo! No. Oh, my God, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, God. Oh, no! No, go faster. Go fucking faster. Out of the water! Clear! Clear! Clear! Yay! You won! N-o-o-o-o-o! Oh, my God. SCREAMING Please... SCREAMING SCREAMING CONTINUES CRYING, SCREAMING WILL VOMITS SIMON LAUGHS It wasn't funny Simon, I was arrested! Well, I don't know if the Splash Planet security team can strictly arrest you... Children were crying. I think that was to do with that dolphin that died. Neil, you were swimming with them, did you see anything? I didn't swim with any dolphins, and if you keep telling lies, I'm going to have to bring up your mum's hairy face again. All right, calm down. You all right, Jay? Everything's ruined. What's up, is it your tight foreskin thing? I fucked it up again. No, lay off it for a week, it will get better. She's gone. For ever. Who? Jane. I should never have bought her that Wii Fit. She said she wanted to lose a bit of weight, I was just trying to help. I loved the way she was. You bought her a Wii Fit? So, I came here to find her, to apologise, to try and win her back. I had no idea how big Australia was. I knew it was an island, so, I thought, "It can't be that big." "I'll probably just bump into her down the shops," but it's fucking massive! And now she's gone for ever. My life is pointless again. Sorry... You bought her a Wii Fit? My dad was right, he should've just whipped it out, and splurged on my mum's arse rather than waste it making me. Still love her. But I'll never find her. Si could always ask Lucy where she is. Oh, shit, yeah. Lucy will probably know. Really? Actually, yeah, thinking about it, she'll definitely know. She sent her a wedding invitation. Let's go, I'll Skype her now. Shotgun. Don't worry, mate, we'll find her. Thanks for this, Si. No problem. You would do the same for me. We wouldn't, we think your bird's a fucking nightmare. Fair enough. 'So far my travelling experience wasn't going entirely to plan. 'I'd assumed that I'd get shitfaced at some point, but not literally. Right, you lot go and pack up our stuff, I'll Skype Lucy. Will! Will! Will. Look, Katie, I'm so embarrassed by my friends, it was Neil's fault, he's got this thing that went... What? It was fucking hysterical. Closing down Splash Planet, I mean, everyone is talking about what an absolute legend you are. I'm a legend? I mean, it looked horrific, you were covered in shit, yeah? Yeah. But at the same time, it was literally the funniest thing I have ever seen. We all loved it. If it made you laugh, maybe it was worth getting conjunctivitis. You're mental. So, what you want to do later, then? Drink? A bite to eat? Sea kayaking? Zip lining? Bungee! Will, come on, you've got to pack. I'm talking, Simon. Sorry about that. Pack? What, you can't leave, the gang will be gutted. No, you're not actually leaving, are you? Yes. Well, nothing's finalised. But it's the songlines ceremony tonight. Look, it's perfect for you, Will. It's incredibly spiritual. We're going to the outback, that's why Will should be packing right now. Oh, OK. Well, if you're busy I'll leave you to it. No, Katie, I'm not busy. I apologise for my friend, he's very rude. Now, tell me about sea kayaking. It's amazing. They've got these kayaks, right, that go in the sea. No way! Yes, absolutely. 1 Simon, this was not an agreed time for Skype. Lucy, listen, it's really important, do you know where Jane is staying? Of course I do. Simon, we need to talk about photographers, I think you're going to have to take out another student loan. Christ, really? Right, fine, whatever. Can you just get me her address? And I've asked Pete to be your best man. Aren't I meant to decide that? All your friends are massive dicks, except Pete, it's Pete or no-one. Great, fine, it's Pete. Now, I need that address. Pete's been amazing. Yeah, Pete's amazing. Please, Lucy. Thanks, mate, I am amazing. G'day! Pete! Surprise. How are things down under? I don't mean your horrible balls... You've got horrible balls. You actually have though. Banter. So, go on, how is it then? Not been eaten by a shark yet, worse luck. Thank you, yeah, some best man you are. I'm the best of the best, mate. You know it. I should be called the brilliant man. Yeah. Listen, mate, we're in a bit of a rush... OK, so, she's staying at Bewley's stud farm near Birdsville. I don't have the exact address because they pick up the post from the town hotel. So, what's the house number? I told you, I don't have it. It's a massive farm, you div, you'll find it. Yeah, you div. Of course. Over and out, Captain Kirk. Did you get it? Yeah, she's at a stud farm near Birdsville. Well, that's me fucked. If she's at a stud farm then she'll have her pick. I've got no chance, I've lost her. A stud farm is where they breed horses. Yes, I know, I'm just saying she really likes horses. You won't need a life vest in the car, Will, it's dry. Get that off, we're leaving. I'm staying here. Don't be a dick, just get in the car. No, I'm staying for a bit. Then I'm going to do some real travelling with people who do it properly. What, those tools in there? They think you're a twat. And I've met someone I like, who likes me. Will, be careful. Jay told me that muff before mates is actually a crime in Australia. You think you're my mates? You don't do any of the things I like, you don't talk about things I like, and you shit on my face. Why would I come with you? I only shit on your face once. I'm not sure how much clearer I can make it, I'm not coming. Fine, fuck ya! We'll go to Birdsville without you. You're being stupid, you got dumped just like I got dumped, just like Simon will probably get dumped, too. Sorry, I mean divorced. Get over her and be realistic. Chasing a girl around Australia isn't a romantic, Jay, it's extreme stalking. Well, that's exactly what you're doing to Katie. Grow up, Simon. You grow up. I am grown-up, you should grow up. Really? Grow up. I am, you're not, so grow up. Well, that's grown-up. Grow up. Yeah, you should. We'll see who's grown-up, won't we? Grow up. Grow up. Oh, Grow up. GROW... UP... Grow up. I feel a bit sad. Can I drive? Yeah, sure. And can I be best man? No, it's fucking Pete. Oh. INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS We've got his fucking bag. Grow up! 'Off they went, the idiots. 'Good riddance to them. 'I was going to have an authentic experience sea kayaking. 'At least if I drowned, and it looked like I might drown, 'people could say he died doing what he did best, 'making a twat of himself in front of a girl.' Fuck! Fuck! Whoa! Argh! Whoa! Argh! A-wob-a-bob-bob. What? I said, what time is it now? No, you fucking didn't. You said a-wob-a-bob-bob. Are you sure you're OK to drive? Yeah, fine. Though I think I might cry again. Is it far now? Nah, it's only about... 400 miles. You can make that, can't you, Neil? Course. I've got a system. Maybe we should stop for a bit. COCOPHONY OF PERCUSSION Now we have cleansed the area with sound, we can begin. We are sitting on songlines. The ancient lines of power that cross Australia. Can you feel the connection? Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing. We carry a great responsibility. What we say here before the fire, we transmit out on the songlines to the rest of the planet. Let's help heal the world by throwing all the world's negativities onto the fire. Each think of a negativity and burn it. What's your negativity? Narrow-mindedness. Good. That's very good. Stephen. Oh, God, where to start? I'm just a seeker, a searcher, but present in this moment, away from the past, away from a military father who I love so much, but Daddy wasn't around, and away from the distant mother, but I'm here now, in the now, not there. I'm just wondering how to tell Mummy what hugs mean. She asked what negativity you wanted to throw on the fire. Oh, right, yeah, cool. Conformity. Excellent. Yeah, really good. Now, what's your negativity, brother? Erm... Come on. Erm... Negativity. Yes, which one? Just negativity. Remember, we can help heal the whole world. Pass. Pass? Look, maybe you should just tell me the right answer. There's no right answer. Clearly, there is though. Brought Pot Noodle, anyone? Not bad, but a bit crunchy. You know, I reckon I'll properly propose to Jane when I see her. What about the Thai bird you told me you were seeing? What? The one that's a black belt in firing ping-pong balls out of her fanny. Oh, her? Yeah, she had to go back to Vietnam. Thailand. Thailand. Yeah, no, Jane's the one. I'll be married, and you'll be married, Si. Yeah. So, we can go on double dates and stuff. Yeah. Lucy's not that bad, really. Maybe being married to her will be all right. It will be. And it's got to be easier than breaking up with her. She's microwaved my PlayStation. Della. Racism. Oh, I hate that. Ben. Negative thoughts. Good. How is that different to saying negativity? Will, please, just respect the songlines. Kristian. Racial hatred. Good. Already had that one, Kris. What? We've had that. He's got to think of another one. Think of another one. So you think racial hatred is a good thing? You know I'm not saying that, Ben. She said racism, he said racial hatred. Pick another. Will, there's no right or wrong answers. Yes, there is. You know there is. Let it all flow out. We'll support you. There's no judgment here. So you keep saying. Well, in that case, I would like to throw the poor and disadvantaged onto the fire, and the handicapped, the homeless, and babies. Yes, spazzy little African babies, riddled with malaria and AIDS. Oh, there they go, onto the fire, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. How's that?! That is wrong. Yep, thought it might be. Excuse me. I throw anger onto the fire. Yeah, absolutely. Stephen. Infidelity. Oh, will you just fucking let it go! Will, are you OK? Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin it. Oh, no, you didn't. No, we still had an amazing connection. Oh, good. That's good. Listen, whatever your energy is when you interact over firestones, that's your song. And your song is humour. Oh, thank you. And also anger. You have a large, quite deep, anger song in you. Frustration, maybe. And sometimes it's hard to hear the humour song with the anger song singing so very loud. You do like me, don't you, Katie? Of course I do. Sorry, Ben. This is a private party. Oh, OK. See you later. Are you OK? That was horrible. What was? Him just kissing you like that. Do you want me to call somebody? He shouldn't get away with that. Oh, I know. He can be such a tease. Tease? He knows that drives me crazy. Crazy angry, right? And tingly. Bad tingly. Like really severe pins and needles. Oh, God, no. Nice, scary. I don't how he does it. What is happening here? We've been having this on-off thing for ages, and he drives me mental when we fight, but, in the end, the animal urge, it's just too much to ignore. You said he was a dick. Will, I wish you'd get to know him. He is such a spiritual guy. So, you're with him even though you kissed me? Will, I like you, I kissed you, but I kiss a lot of people, especially when I'm drunk. What Ben and I have, it's a deep lust for each other. It's spiritual. Right, that's the last time. Even the dictionary definition of spiritual, which I looked up the other day, suggests it's about the soul, another vague and probably non-existent concept. I don't think you get it, but that's cool. No, no, I get it all right, you patronising cow. It's you twats that don't get it. That's right, I called you twats. Chill, Will. Playing the guitar badly, wearing beads, talking about one love and pretending you're friends with Central American villagers, who, by the way, despise you, before heading back to your parents' five-bedroom house in Surrey doesn't make you a spiritual person. It makes you a bell-end. I think you were right about his song, Katie. Oh, fuck off, Ben. You don't believe in songlines any more than I do. It's just a way few to seem interesting to girls, because deep down you know you're boring and pretentious. Just like your stupid fucking dreadlocks, which, by the way, always look embarrassing on white people. They're not countercultural, they actually scream, "Oh, I've got a trust fund." So, get a normal haircut, you unbearable prick. Goodbye. 1 'I may have won the battle, but I've lost the war. 'By now, my real friends were hundreds of miles away, 'but my fake friends were a little too close to home.' I don't lose! I don't lose! GROANING I don't lose! MOANING I...don't...lose! Oh, Ben! One ticket to Birdsville. So, that'll be $350. Whoo. Have you flown this route before? No. OK, you'll want these then. There's some sick bags, because you are going to be sick. Oh! Fuck! Oh, my God! Get out! Get out, you pommie moaners! See you later! They were nice. Apart from when they tried to fight us those times. It's the next property, Si. Just down the Birdsville Track. Yeah, not far now, mate. Wait! Wait! What the fuck is that? Guys! Wait! Oh! I think it's a prick. I had to get here. I'm just so lost at the moment with uni and... I know I've made some bad decisions, but I'm finding it hard to know who I am. Don't worry about that, just leave that. Yeah, no, we better get going. No, no, no. Listen, please. I don't have many friends, and I thought those people... Nudgies! Get in! Oh, you're hard. ALL CHANT: Next farm! Next farm! Next farm! Next farm! Next farm! Next farm! Did they say exactly how far the next farm is? Oh, shit, we're on the white bit of the petrol meter. Oh, don't worry about that. That's a con by car-makers and oil people to get you to buy more. I once went to Portugal and back on the white bit. I don't know. It looks quite low. Please, let's just keep going. Of course, mate. And there's bound to be a petrol station around here somewhere. CAR SPLUTTERS Oh, shit! Don't worry. I'll just coast it for a couple of miles. It's very hot in here. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I had the heating on. What now? Wait for someone to pass by to help? Nah, bollocks. We just phone the AA and they'll come pick us up. How's the reception on your phone? Oh, fuck. Exactly. We should get out of the car though. It's essentially an oven. It's not that much cooler out of the car, to be fair. All right. We're in a bit of a spot here. We've got to keep calm. Do not panic. How much water have we got? None. OK. Bad start. We'll be fine. There'll probably be a wise old aboriginal along any minute. Have a think. In the two hours since we left Birdsville, how many cars have we seen? Oh! None! None is correct. Now, how many wise old aboriginals? None. None. Fucking none. We aren't in England any more. We're somewhere actually genuinely dangerous. Don't shit your pants. I know Australia. Someone will be along in a minute. But what if they aren't? They will be. Anyone want a drink? Have you got water? No, just wondered. I'm really thirsty. We need a survival plan. No, I doubt it. Actually, Neil, in the desert without water, we'll die in a day. I think we're going to be fine. How, Simon? Tell me how we're going to be fine. People will be looking for us. Who? Who even knows we're missing or cares? Your dad? Jay's uncle? Your mum would if she wasn't too busy getting fucked by a stranger. Oh, it's nasty, but it's probably true. We could drink our piss. What? No, honestly, it's all right. I do it occasionally. Ate a bit of my spunk once too. You're grim, mate. Basically, I need a piss, and it seems a shame to waste it. Up to you. Neil, do you have to do that here? If you can't see it actually coming out of the end, it's not rude. Wait a minute. There's probably some water in the windscreen washer pot. We could share that out. Perfect. This should keep us going. Uncle Jay sorts it again. It's soap. Obviously. Seriously, we do need a plan. I saw that film where the bloke got stuck in the desert but lived. What that he do? Cut his arm off with a penknife. Right. Any other ideas? And I've watched every episode of Bear Grylls: Man vs Wild. OK, now we're getting somewhere. What would Bear suggest we do in this situation, Neil? For starters, when we get a salmon, just bite right into the middle of it, even though it's raw. There isn't any water. Where are we going to get a salmon from, you fucking idiot? Shop! Neil's got a point though. We should split up and search the area for water sources. For the salmon? Yes. Thanks very much, Dad. Thanks for not teaching me how to find water. The only thing I would ever need to know in my entire fucking life. Oh, go and do a sociology degree. That'll be fucking helpful. Si, quick! Look! OK, learn from your mistakes. Wandering around, failing to find water, just uses up calories. We've learnt that, that's good. I can't believe we didn't bring any sun cream. Not even like factor eight. Even some shitty factor eight would make the situation better. God, I'd love some factor eight right now. Oh, my gosh. A lake! A fucking lake! We're saved! I can't believe I never spotted that! It's a mirage, Neil. Is that Australian for 'lake'? It means, cos you're hot, you're seeing things. What if it is a lake? You're seeing things. It's an illusion. Will, if I were seeing things, I'd be seeing cool things, like Optimus Prime banging Katy Perry, or Jay the size of a house but all his fingers are Cadburys Flakes. I want water more than anything. I'll get us water, Si. Don't worry. This is it! We're saved! Thank you, Bear Grylls! NEIL SCREAMS IN ANGUISH Told him so. I know you did. NEIL SCREAMS Can we start panicking now? Yeah. NOOOOOOOOO! I bet they use a shit picture. What? When they report us being dead, I bet they use a picture where my hair looks shit. They'll have plenty to choose from. And I'll be described as engaged, for fuck's sake. Lucy will love that. She'll milk the attention, the cow. I don't think you'll be that bothered. I will. I don't think you will be, cos crucially, you'll be dead. Stone fucking dead, just like we all will. Oh, God. I don't want to die. Oh, for fuck's sake, I'm too dehydrated to cry. I wish my mum was here. Does she deliver water? She does when I'm nearby. HE COUGHS From her fanny. So fucking thirsty. You want to try the spunk thing? Bit like a salty smoothie. I can't think of anything I want to do less right now than wank. Jesus. Things are even more serious than I thought. Neil, if you can piss again now, I'll drink it. You should really only drink your own, Si. I'm so dehydrated I can't piss. Neil, please. Help. I'm dying. Course, mate. Sorry, Si, I got no more piss. That's all right, mate. Thanks for trying. I was trying, Si, I really was, it's just... Oh! Hang on, there was that bit. 1 I'm hot, then cold, then hot. Then really cold. And you stink of piss. I really didn't think dying would be like this. It's knackering to get wound up about it. Just let it happen, I reckon. No. Please fight it, Jay. There's something I need to say. What? Sorry. Aw, mate. I am. I'm sorry. Just... ..sorry. Don't matter. There's something I always meant to ask you guys, too. What is it, mate? How long after a poo can you have sex? Please don't make this my last thought. I never found out and... (CRYING) ..now I'll never know! I can't see very well. I think it's just the brightness. Close your eyes. But you said... I know. Here. Neil. (CRYING) For bantz. (VOICE CRACKS) Yeah, for bantz. NEIL SOBS DRYLY That's better. All right, then? Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Jane. It'll be like sleep, won't it, Si? I've always liked sleep. Yeah, it'll be OK, Neil. All right, then. Cheers. Is this proper travelling? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Shall we? Yeah, 'spose. (LAUGHS) Jesus Christ! Are you a mirage? We're saved! We're saved! We're saved! We're saved! Fuck me. You poms love a drama. You've only been out here two hours. We're alive! Jane! Jane! Jane! Jay! Oh, my God! Look at you. I love you. Will you marry me? I'm sorry about the Wii Fit. No, Jay. Is your lip all right? Jay, did you really come all this way out here just to find me? Yeah. But... Not because I miss you, but because I got an STD and the doctor said I have to tell all of my former lovers, and you're the last. Number 6,004. So, that's that dealt with. Good. 6,004? Don't forget, a lot of them was orgies. Everything's been rubbish since you left. I work in a toilet and I live in a tent. Oh, come here. So do you want to get back together? No. No, that's definitely not happening. #dumpedagain. Come on. Let's get you home. Jesus Christ, the last time I saw something that soppy I was pulling my cock out of it. Let's head back to the farm. I'm not sure we're in any state to travel. I think we need serious medical attention. What you need is some fucking aftersun and a beer. Now, take your clothes off and get in the ute. Shit. Mum was right. It's the best thing for the sunstroke. You need the heat to leave your body quickly. Oh, right, fine. Plus, it makes you easier to rape. We couldn't wait to leave the outback, although some things would stay with us forever. Mainly the site of Neil's meaty penis. Jane's boss rehydrated us, fixed the car, and then we headed back to civilisation. If you can call Uncle Bryan's house civilised. Then Neil pissed all over my head, but I didn't manage to drink any of it, and then we gave up, but the stud farm had sent people to look for us, and we were on the news, so they called us pommie morons, and everyone's flown over because they were worried, but everything's changed, Luce. I am so lucky to be alive and this world is just the most beautiful thing, and you are so great, and I can't wait to get married. I love you, Lucy. I've been sleeping with Pete. Sorry? Me and your best man, Pete, have been having sex. Good sex. Is this role-playing again? Like when I'd said I bummed Will? You're such a dopey prick. I still can't believe you come out of my nutsack. Your nutsacks? I can't believe we're the same species. I mean, look at him. Weedy and retarded. He's like one of them X-Men freaks. Dr Lawnfucker or something. Oh, my God, my petal. My darling. Oh, I missed you so much. I was lost in the desert too. Anyway, I don't really want to be friends, but Pete said it would be better if we were. Wait a minute. You're breaking up with me? Yes. So, I'm single and now Pete has to go out with you? Yes, Simon. Yes! Fucking brilliant! Oh, hello, Mrs MacKenzie. Oh, hello, Simon. Your parents asked me to check if you were OK. Me? Fucking brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant. Sorry, sir. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean to swear. Mr Gilbert? What are you doing here? You have no jurisdiction. Oh, Phil's just helping me out with a couple of things. I don't follow. Phil? Do I need to spell it out for you, MacKenzie? OK. Well, when a man loves a lady very much, blood rushes to the genital area, enlarging significantly the penis. Or, in this case, my penis. Well, we wanted to tell you in person, and then we just thought, you getting lost was a perfect excuse to come and see you. And then we thought, "Oh, let's just make it into a holiday." Have you got any recommendations? We've booked a Barrier Reef tour. Yes, I'm very much looking forward to going diving. OK, so, here's some bad news. It turns out we did die in the desert, because I appear to be in hell. Jesus Christ, mate. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you've stopped fucking my garden, but what were you thinking going all that way for a fat chick? What did you do just say? About the spunk hole? No, after that. Oh, about you chasing the fat chick and how you're lucky fatty-boom-boom didn't eat you out there in the desert. Them fat chicks get so fucking hungry. Yeah, now, yeah, look. I mean, good for trying. It was weak as fuck, obviously. More like a slap. You taught him how to punch like a girl, I presume. Watch it, Brian. At least your boy's got some spunk, Terry. Problem is, it's mainly around his mouth and arsehole. I said, watch it. Or what? You'll slap me too? You... Here we go! Get in there! Get in there, you ugly fucker! I'll give it to you! Fuck you! I'll fucking give it to you again! Shall we go? It's getting a bit like my cousin's wedding. Yeah. I was thinking about not going back to England for a bit. We could do some more travelling. I've heard Vietnam's nice. Fancy it? I'm in. I've still got some shit to sort out for the CIA there. Of course. Neil? I'd like to go travelling. Mate, if we go far enough, we might find your mum. Fuck off. Sorry, Neil. Tell you what, if my ping-pong fanny girl's got a mate, I could set you two up. Nice one. Shake on it? Cheers, mate. He's a lady boy. Oh, what? Too late. You shook on it now. Bad luck. Bants? No, you've got to fuck a man with tits. Or a girl with a penis. Oh, Will, help me out. Sorry, Neil. You shook on it. I suppose I'd better just stick to the top half. MUSIC: New Sensation by INXS ALL IN THAI: Choc-tee-ka! What the fuck? All right? OK. Get off. I guess that's going to be a problem. Fuck off! Fuck off! Simon! Simon! Fuck off! What's wrong with him? Oh, Dad, this is Maxine. Maxine, this is my dad. Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016