(UFO CONTINUES) BOTH: Into it! Jimmy! Two o'clock. Two friends ` hot with serious side boob. Into it. Hello, there. Buongiorno. That's Italian. It means hello. He means ciao. I'm pretty sure ciao means 'good morning', Jimmy. I think ciao means both, doesn't it? That's lazy. (LAUGHS) I'm Jim. I'm Janine. Jim and Janine. We sound like a couple already. This is my friend, Caitlin. Hello. Hey, Caitlin. I'm Blake. Wow. Blake and Caitlin. We also sound like a couple already. So, Jim, do you want me to tell the girls our exciting news? Yes. What is it? We just finished writing our bucket lists and you girls finished on top of the list and on us. Does that mean you're dying? Yeah, don't you have to be dying to have a bucket list? Not necessarily. Different bucket lists exist for different occasions. I think what Blake... You don't necessarily need to be dying to have a bucket list. I think what Blake is trying to say is would you girls like to hang out with us tonight? (LAUGHS) (LOUD PANTING AND MOANING) (SPRAYS PUFFER) (MOANING CONTINUES) Aren't you getting a bit old to be wearing a toy watch? What makes it a toy watch? I mean, it fits around my wrist. It tells the time. I used to have an 'Incredible Hulk' watch that Id wear on my other wrist. I had a superhero on either side of me. I was indestructible. (LAUGHS) Where's the Hulk now? I lost him in grade five. They don't make them anymore. It'd be worth a bit, though, if you could get your hands on one. I cant believe I slept with a bloke that wears a 'Spider-Man' watch. Oh, no! Whoa. Yep. I'm not married, if that's what you're thinking. That's not what I was thinking. We should do this again, yeah? Yeah! What's your number? Uh, my phone number is, um... It's, uh, 0421... (KEYPAD BEEPS) ..251... (MUMBLES QUICKLY) ..073. (RINGING TONE) What are you doing? Don't call me. I'm right here. RECORDED MESSAGE: The number you have called is not connected. You arsehole! My body was a gift. (DOOR SLAMS) (CANT HOLD BACK BY KAZ JAMES AND MACY GRAY PLAYS) (CANT HOLD BACK CONTINUES) BOTH: Into it! JIM: Whoa! BLAKE: Whoo! Ah! Blakey found his lady at one o'clock. If I'm not back by Wednesday, send the paramedics to the Pearly Gates. I may have died and gone to Heaven. Wait. What? Nothin. Go get her. (SPRAYS PUFFER) Hey there. I'm Blake. I'm Alice. You're English. That's a coincidence. I speak English. Right. So, my pretty English rose, question without notice, do you like to read? I like to read. I like to read situations. Attractive woman alone at a bar. You had a blind date and that blind date was a no show. Or maybe this well-dressed, cashed-up dude reading my mind, like the prophet Mohammed, maybe he's the blind date. Right. Is that what I was thinking? Hush. I know a motel. It's two blocks away. I know the owner. We could be there in 10 minutes. (WHISPERS) Naked in 12. Discuss. Sounds inviting. Yes, it does. However, you were wrong about the whole blind date thing. Ba-bow! No deal. From the TV show. (LAUGHS) So, why so lonesome? My doctor just told me that I've got vaginal thrush. Is it contagious? Do you really want to take that risk? What can I say? I'm a risky guy. I was the second person in my family to bungee jump. In Cambodia. Wow! Wow, that's impressive. Yes. But... ..no deal. Ah, you did the... TV show. I'm starting to read the situation. Right. Before I go, can I get you anything? Can I buy you a drink? Can I kiss you on the shoulder? Oh. Uh. No, thank you. You could go and tell your friend over there to come and say hello. My bestest mate, Jimmy? What's in it for him? Sex. (SIGHS) If you try and steal that watch, I will hunt you down and kill you, I swear. Oh, well, I'd like to see you try. Really? Actually, I kind of don't mind it on you. It looks kind of sexy. Seriously, I've always had a bit of a fantasy that a girl would dress up like a superhero, the mask and the cape, the whole kit and caboodle. Hmm. Maybe you could do it for me on my birthday. Um, no, it's not ever going to happen. That is genuinely disappointing. So, this is, um, ..this is not gonna work out? Uh, no. This is definitely a one-night stand. Really? Mm. Hallelujah! Cause I was starting to think that you were the kind of girl that would never leave. (SQUEALS AND LAUGHS) Oh! Jim? I love you. Shit! I'm late for work. (SAY HEY (I LOVE YOU) BY MICHAEL FRANTI AND SPEARHEAD) See ya. Happy birthday, Jim. Ah! It's the birthday boy. Thanks, sis. Gotta run. I'm late. Can I at least have a kiss? Quick. You haven't shaved. Here, come on. Have you brushed your teeth? Ah! Morning, darling. Knackered. B Don Bradman. Alice, breakfast? Morning, Jim. Hey, Jerry. I love you. Mmm! And I love you. I love you. I love you. (WOMAN SQUEALS AND LAUGHS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, Alice. Julian, hi. Hey. This is great, huh? Brilliant. Listen, I've got something big I want to talk to you about. Oh. Yeah. Come and see me after the morning meeting. Right. Good. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Thank you! I heard he only proposed because she refused to give him head until they were engaged. Oh, don't be such a cynic. Uh-uh. She stopped blowing on Sunday. They were engaged on Wednesday. Who proposes on a Wednesday night? Someone in desperate need of a blowie? Is that true or are you just being a bitch? Probably both. (LAUGHS) It just seems so quick. They've only been seeing each other for three months. WOMAN: Bec! Alice! (SQUEALS) Hey. I'm so happy! Mwah! They'll be divorced in six. Cake? Is that hers? Who the fuck brings their own engagement cake to work? Somebody in desperate need of attention. Mm. Should we be eating this? Mm. Now, that looks good. You girls gonna eat that cake by yourselves? Or are you gonna join the party? Oh, were party girls, Julian. We're coming. Good-o. I'm considering sending him a sex text. Do you think Jim will ever ask? Oh, yeah. Um, we've discussed it. You've discussed getting married? With Jim? Of course. Um, you know, it's just that the time's not really right just now and, um, Jims under a lot of pressure at work, so... ..it's pretty intense. (SCREAMING) (HORN TOOTS) JIM: Hey, hey! (SIGHS) It's all locked up, Bill. I'll see you soon. I gotta fly. Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, Jimmy. What's the rush? You gotta be somewhere? You're carrying on like you got ants in your pants. It's the local vernacular, Tran. It means he's carrying on like a pork chop. Sorry, Bill. I just really gotta go. You gotta what? Run for prime minister or fight terrorism? Come in here and park your arse. See, Tran, this is the biggest miniature railway in the Southern Hemisphere. It used to be the biggest one in the world until bloody Oslo. I've really gotta go, Bill. Jimmy's father built this place. God rest his soul. We were partners. He was a good bloke. This was Jimmy's first job. In fact, it was your only job. Isn't it, Jim? OK. I've got a birthday dinner with Alice. Alice's birthday? Oh, you want to see Alice, Tran. Oh, she's the cat's pyjamas. That's local vernacular, Tran. It means she's a top sort. Actually, it's not Alice's birthday. It's mine. BILL: Jimmy? Hey? Come on. We knew it was your birthday, mate. Hey, you didn't think we forgot, did ya? It's OK. Oh, come on. Come on. Give me a bit of credit, Jimmy. When was the last time we forgot your birthday? Last year. Yeah, well, I-I had a pretty bad chest infection. It really doesn't matter. It matters to me and it would have mattered to your mum and dad. God bless em. Here. We knocked you up something, alright? Go on, rip her open. I went to a lot of trouble with that 'lacky band. Isn't this the same picture from the office wall? Similar. No. Absolutely awesome. I've got just the spot for it. Thanks a lot. You guys are the greatest. But I've really gotta go. Cheers, eh? You're the best. (SINGS) Hooray for Jimmy Hooray at last Hooray for Jimmy. (ALL LAUGH) Jimmy! Hey! JIM: Whoo! This is awesome! Yeah! Owen restored it himself. I never knew you were mechanical, Owen. Picked it up from the government auctions for a song. Was a bit worse for wear but we scrubbed it up. JIM: Look out! Postie bike. Unreal. Wont go over 45 ks, so it'll keep you out of trouble. Sorry, Jim-Jams. My present's still on order, mate. It's being shipped in from the States. America. We'll get you a Harley next birthday, when I win 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?' I'm going on Millionaire. Are you good with trivia? The best. And that's a fact. Did you know the daddy-long-legs is the deadliest spider in the world? Is that true? Yep. I think so. You see, it's fangs aren't sharp enough to administer any venom. So, what's the point, right? It's like having a dick but not being horny. (LAUGHS) Owen! He's a crack-up. Free base. Oh, Jim, we should get going. May I ride my bike? Oh, that's lovely. JIM: You think so? Well, don't you think it's romantic? Would you prefer to read 'Fiona is a filthy slag' spray-painted across the overpass? No. I just... I just don't understand why w have to read it. I mean, why... ..why couldn't she just have sent Murph a text message? Do you know how many relationships are ruined over text messages? Well, you should text message yourself a smiley face cause it's my birthday, and I think you will agree it's going to be the best birthday yet. MAN: Will you marry me? WOMAN: Oh, yes. WOMAN 2: I love you. MAN: Here's to us. I just thought, um, you know, we're getting older and maybe it's time that we started acting like grown-ups just a little bit. Oh, no, don't get me wrong. It's a nice watch. It'll just take a bit of time to get used to it, that's all. WAITER: How was the chicken? It was perfect. Thank you. (WOMAN SQUEALS) Of course I'll marry you! MAN: Congratulations. (HERE COMES THE BRIDE PLAYS ON PIANO) Alice? We've been together for three and a half years now and I... ..like you. I like you a lot. I'm glad. Alice, I, um, I think you know how I feel about you. So, would you please do me the honour of accepting this... ..commitment ring? I'm sorry. Please accept a what? A commitment ring. It's a sign of my commitment to you. To us. Don't you like it? Uh...no. It's just... A commitment ring, Jim? What are we, going steady? For a second there, I thought you were going to propose. Propose? Propose what? Marriage. (LAUGHS) Marriage? (CHUCKLES) That's a big step. Yes, Jim, it is. It's a big commitment. The 23-year-old temp in our office just got engaged to a man she's been seeing for three months. That has nothing to do with us. What are your plans? I thought we could have dessert. No, Jim, not for dinner. For our life. For us. Why do we have to have a plan? Because I came to Australia for a month three-and-a half years ago and I made a decision to stay here for you and lately, I've been wondering if, maybe, I'm on the wrong side of the world. Where is all this coming from? I thought things were going well. I thought we were happy. Are you not happy? I don't know, Jim. After all this time, I just imagined there would be less guesswork involved. Alice, I... I am so into you. Into me? Into me?! Jim, you shouldn't be into me. You should be into bands and...and football and pornos. I'm into all of those things. You should have another sentence for somebody like me. You've never once said that you love me. I love you, Jim. I love you! Well, I can't say it now, can I? It's expected. Right. I think it's best... I've gotta piss. I'll just wait right here, then. (SIGHS) You right, mate? I think I'm about to get dumped. Oh, shit. I'm about to propose to my girlfriend. Shit. BOTH: Good luck. Alice... (MEN SING) # For he's a jolly good fellow # For he's a jolly good fellow # For he's a jolly good fellow # And so say all of us. # Now, cut the cake. Now, be careful. If the knife touches the bottom, you have to kiss the nearest lady. Ooh. Sir, you've hit the bottom. Now, go on. Kiss your lovely lady. (APPLAUSE) I'm sorry. I organised that earlier. I was offered a job in London today. Don't go. You are a 33-year-old man working at a miniature railway station. The biggest miniature railway in the Southern Hemisphere. You live in a granny flat at the back of your parents' house. It's a bungalow. Isn't it time that you grew up? It's my birthday. I think I'm homesick. (CRIES) MAN: She said yes! She actually said yes! (APPLAUSE) Oh, shit. Sorry, dude. Can I get you anything, sir? Something to drink? Whatever it is, you better bring me the bottle. (THANK GOD I'VE HIT THE BOTTOM BY YOU AM I PLAYS) (SIREN WAILS) (PHONE RINGS) Yello? Hey, Blakey? What are you doing? I'm trying to put the doona into the doona cover. Why? I'm single again, brother. Where are you? (THE OTHERS BY TV ROCK VS. DUKES OF WINDSOR PLAYS) BOTH: Into it! Oh! I'm...I'm single. I love you. I'm Blake. I just wanted to say I love you. It's easy. You see me at the Olympics? It was the Sex Olympics. You want me to show you my baton? I love you. I love you. I love... See how easy it is? I'm the son of a cab driver. I tell you what would look good on you. Sex with me. Sex! BLAKE: Jai Ho! JIM: Jai Ho! I don't even know what that word means. Who cares? It still works. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (WEAKLY) I love you. I love you. Single again, Jim-Jams. Welcome back. You and me, we're not relationship guys. One woman is never enough for guys like us. We need to be free. Commitment is for soft cocks! You know George Clooney never got married? He's, like, the most wanted guy in the world and he's like, Get in line, ladies. You know, you and me... ..were like George fuckin Clooney. Just in and out, stop fucking about. Bachelors...proud of it. I gotta get outta here. Jimmy? Jimmy! Hey, baby? Oh! (DROPS BOTTLE) I love you. I love you. (CAR ALARM HONKS) (CAR ALARM WAILS) Good. (ENGINE STARTS) (TYRES SCREECH, CAR CRASHES) Shit. (CRASH!) Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! (CRASH) JIM: Hmm. Excuse me? (KNOCKS) Excuse me? Sir? (GROANS) You're sleeping in my car. This car belongs to me. (BREATHES HEAVILY) Looks like you could use a cup of coffee. Why don't you follow me? What are you doin' here, honey? You're supposed to put out on their birthdays. He gave me a commitment ring. A commitment ring? What, is he gay? (SOBS) Aw! Oh, hon. Oh! Oh, it's OK. Oh. (SNIFFS) So, uh... ..what does this mean? I never even knew that I wanted to get married until I met Jim. But I do. I want to get married and I want to have a house and I want to have kids and I want to... ..to be with a man who can tell me how he feels about me. And I just don't think that Jim can be that guy and it breaks my heart. (SNIFFS) Well, let's get out. Lets go fill our heads with vodka. Bec, it's 9am. Oh, come on. Do you think he's gonna sit around tonight, eating Tim Tams and watching 'Notting Hill'? (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) I'm going to go back to London. MAN: I think his name is Jim. Thank you. Milk and sugar? Oh, yes. Uh, white with two, please. Thank you. Are you American? Yep. Uh, Iowa. Moved out here about six-and-a-half years ago. Never been back. Why did you leave? My wife, Beth, is from here. Ah, you're married. I was. She died four years ago. Sorry. Flu season. Viagra. Makes me a couple of inches taller. Is that right? I didn't know. It's not Viagra, Jim. Right. I will reimburse you for any inconvenience or damage done to the car. Don't worry about it. You can explain it all to the police when they get here. You rang the police? Of course I did. You stole my car. Who else was I gonna call? An orthodontist? I didn't steal it. I borrowed it. Cant we just work it out between the two of us? Borrowing a car without permission is technically stealing. I really do think it's a police matter. It doesn't have to be. Relax. You don't look like a criminal. OK, this is the thing. This is not the first time I've stolen a car. I didn't think so. You had that look. Look, I understand you're upset but I am not a car thief. You steal cars. Yes, that was a long time ago. I was just a kid. I was going through a very rough patch. I haven't stolen a car in a very long time. It was last night. OK. I was having a very, very rough night. I got dumped on my birthday and then I got very drunk as a result, which I know is not a good enough excuse, but I'm trying to make amends. You drove my car drunk? I got dumped on my birthday. Why'd you get dumped on your birthday? I gave her a commitment ring and then she dumped me. You gave her a commitment ring? What are you, 12? Look, I will do whatever you want. Just please call the police and tell them it was a mistake. I'm sorry. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Why not? (KNOCK AT DOOR) Because they're already here. Shit. Don't answer the door. Jim, I have to. It's the police. I don't want to get arrested. Can't get arrested for not answering a door. No offence but I think I'll take my legal advice elsewhere. Who's Francesca? Just wait there. Hello, Officers. Uh, there's been a mistake. You do realise it's a crime to play hoaxes on the police and emergency services? Well, what isn't a crime these days? I mean, pretty soon it'll be a crime to answer your own door... ..if it isn't already. Well, we'd like to come inside and take a look, if that's OK with you, sir. Why would you do that? I'm home alone. Just a quick look, sir. OK. I've got nothing to.. (SHOUTS) ..hide! Come on in. I've got nothing to hide! Nothing to hide, eh? What do you call this? Well, Officer, in my defence, I was expecting him to hide. I wasn't sure. OK. I'll come clean. This man is my lover. What? What? Lover? Yes. We are lovers. But... ..because society doth frown upon a fully grown man being in a homosexual relationship with a man of shorter stature... They think it's perverted! Disturbing, even! Is this true? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that glitter? Officer Gerard and I have got no interest in your private life. We strongly advise you not to play pranks on the police in the future. It might be your idea of fun but it certainly isn't ours. Come on. Thank you, Officer. Give me back my letter now. Who's Francesca? It was signed by you, addressed to a Francesca and dated three years ago. You steal my car and then you open my personal mail. I wish we were dating so I, too, could dump you on your birthday. (PHONE RINGS) I have to get this. Yeah, hello? Where is he? I'll be there. I'll be there. Can I borrow your car? I want you to know I really appreciate this. You know I couldn't just lend you my car. I mean, if you weren't a car thief and you'd asked to borrow it, I'd be pretty quick to throw you the keys I really am not comfortable with being called a car thief. Then you should stop stealing cars, sunshine. (SIREN WAILS) So... So... I'll, um, I'll be in touch. Sure. Charlie, wait. I have a proposition for you. A proposition? A proposition. A...a deal. I know what a proposition is, Jim. I need you to write me a letter just like the one you wrote Francesca. Why? Because you wrote the words that Alice wants to hear and I need to get her back. You're insane. Maybe. Maybe I could do you a favour. What could you possibly do for me? I could hand-deliver this letter to Francesca. Hey! Hey! WOMAN ON P.A.: Paging Dr Lee. Please come to Reception, Ward 3A. Thanks for coming, Jimmy. Where's Owen? Where's Alice? We broke up. You broke up with Alice? CHARLIE: He gave her a commitment ring. Who are you? I'm Charlie. Uh, your brother stole my car, so I gave him a lift here. You stole a car? I didn't steal it. I borrowed it. You didn't ask permission. That's stealing, Jimmy. That's what I said. I am so sorry. My brother, he's not a bad person. He's stupid but he's not bad. That's OK. I like taking care of the stupid. Few people look after the stupid. They spend all this money on the disabled but none for the stupid. You're funny. (CRIES) Bloody Owen. He must have got caught up at footy training. He said he was gonna be here. He should bloody be here. Christ, I hope I have a girl. I can't believe you broke up with Alice. Give me back my letter. Why? Because it's my letter. And I need you to write me another one with my name on it and Alice's. Oh, God you steal my car, I save you from a prison stretch, I drive you to the hospital and now I get to do something else for you. May I build you a pergola, sir? Come on. Jim, I can't write a love letter to your girlfriend. It has to come from you. Why? Because she's your girlfriend. Mr Hagan? This way. Jimmy, quick. I want you to see this. (HEART BEATS ON MONITOR) This is my brother, Jimmy. Oh, the commitment ring brother. Look. JIM: What is that? That is my baby's heartbeat. It's got a funny-lookin head. Must be Owens. (WEEPS) I need another favour. Rack em up. Do it, do it, do it! Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! (ALL CHEER) Whoo! (LAUGHS) Owen? Lets go home, mate. Hey, Jimmy. What are you doing here? Lets go. No, it's OK. Ongas gonna take me home. Yeah. It was Marie's first ultrasound today, mate. You were supposed to be there. But instead, you were here, drinkin' piss with your dickhead mates. Hey! You haven't come lookin' for a fight, Jimmy? No, no. I've just come to take you home, mate. I don't want any trouble at all, blokes. The thing with Jimmy here is he thinks he's quite the man. But he doesn't have the muscle to back it up. A bit like the daddy-long-legs, eh, Jimmy? (ALL LAUGH) Bugger off home to your granny flat, Jimmy. (ALL LAUGH) Is everything alright here, Jim? What the hell do we have here? Look, Jimmy. One of Santa's little helpers has come to help you a little. (ALL LAUGH) Santa. My names Charlie. It's OK, Charlie. I'll sort this out. Hey, Owen? These two poofters are... Well, they're poofters. OWEN: What are you talkin' about, Sarge? They're gay, mate. Nah. He's got a girlfriend Alice. We broke up. Ooh. Did you not tell me that you were in a sexual relationship with this man? This is a footy club, not a freak show. Lets all settle down, fellas. Tell him, Jim. Tell him it's not true. You're cool. You misunderstood. Yeah? Which bit have I misunderstood? You've misunderstood the bit where I give a fuck what you think about me. (ALL SHOUT) ONGA: It's on! It's on, mate! It's on! (QUIETLY) Ah. I'm sorry, Jim. I'm such a wanker on the piss. I'm never going back there again. That's it. You're about to become a father, Owen. I'll make it up to Marie. I'll make amends. I have a plan. The capital of Belgium is Prague. CHARLIE AND JIM: No, it's not. What's wrong with this car? Oh, shit! (HYDRAULIC LIFT WHIRRS) Look, don't take this the wrong way. It's been a blast. But I think we should start seeing other people... ..effective immediately. Now, can I have my letter back, please? I never told Alice that I love her. Oh, man, are you retarded? Is that politically correct? I'm in a special group. I can get away with it. When you say never, you mean 'rarely', right? Never. Once? Not once. Never. What is wrong with you? Are you the silly bugger who backed the car into a tree? It was him. It was bricks. CHARLIE: What's the nicest thing you've ever said to Alice? A couple of weeks ago, I told her that I liked her new haircut. What did she say? Not much. Turns out she hadn't actually had a haircut. It was windy. I thought it looked nice. (MEN SHOUT) Sorry, boys, I've just gotta go and sort these bastards out, alright? Listen to me because it's important that you know this. You are, without a doubt, the worst boyfriend in the world. That's a bit harsh. What about that guy in Belgium who kept his girlfriend in a dungeon? That was his mother, not his girlfriend. Now, look, were getting off the point here. Do we have a deal? What makes you think I can't deliver the letter myself? Because it was dated three-and-a-half years ago. For fucks sake, boys I'll do the whole thing for 300 bucks. Just don't tell anyone about what happened out there. What happened? Yeah, good. Uh, look, normally, I'd have it ready by Saturday but I'm taking the missus to Noosa for a long weekend, so I... Shit a brick. I just remembered. I gotta get some fucking flowers. It never ends. Jill, can we organise some fucking flowers? Look, I'll do whatever it takes to get your letter to Francesca if you just give me 10 minutes with your mind, and I'll bring the pen. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (CRIES) Blake. Marie. Nice outfit. How long you been doing judo? I don't. I got this at the op shop for eight bucks. It's like wearing pyjamas but people like it. Which people? Just people. I didn't get their names and numbers. Jim home? I thought we might tip a few in, bust a few moves? No. You do realise he broke up with Alice? I know. High-five. Blake! What Jim needs now is to hang out with the old Blake-inator, have some beers, talk about chicks, play some racquetball. Where is Jim-Jams anyway? (WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS) (WALTZ MUSIC CONTINUES) CHARLIE: 50 years is a long time to be married. Hell, 50 years is a long time to live. Gwen, I want you to look at Frank. Really look at him. Now, I want you to remember the day he returned home from Korea, right, Frank? Yeah. Pakchung, 1951. Remember when he returned home in 1951. Not just the day. I want you to remember when you laid eyes on him. And, Frank, I want you to remember when you saw Gwen. It was Sydney Harbour. In that purple dress. Now, remember that first kiss? Come on, mate. It's just a photo. It's not about the photo, Frank. CHARLIE: Oh! (CAMERA CLICKS) Got it. That was romantic. You can spot it. Good for you. They are going to have sex tonight because of you. Oh, you just ruined the moment. Now, if nothing else but to erase the imagery you just put in my head, tell me about this girl of yours. Alice. Yeah, tell me about Alice. What do you want to know? What do you love about her? Just one thing. Could be anything. OK, because here's the thing, Jim. You're supposed to notice things in Alice that everyone else misses or doesn't take the time to see. Just one thing. She smiles in her sleep. I've never seen anything look so peaceful. There's no snoring, no drooling. She farted once but... Don't tell her I told you that. She'd be devastated. How does that make you feel? A bit on the nose, actually. I had to open a window. I mean the smiling in her sleep. How does that make you feel? Happy. I guess. I'll send her a text message. No! No, do not send her a text. Just do not, do not, do not. Promise me. OK. Text messaging, it's the end of romance. (RINGTONE PLAYS) Oh, got a bite. Sorry. I'll turn this damn thing off. Tokyo can wait. (BOTH LAUGH) I hope you don't mind catching up over a drink. Oh. Uh, no, it's fine. We could have had a little chinwag at the office but bleugh! You know how the office gets, right? Yes. So are you looking forward to London? Yes, it probably comes at a really good time for me. Mm. Mm. Mm. How does your boyfriend... Oh... Don't tell me. Uh... Tim. How does Tim feel about your exciting news? Um, Jim. Sorry. How does Jim feel about you leaving for London? Oh, uh, he's OK. Um, we're still talking about it. It's difficult. He's got his career to think about. Mm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course. What does Tim do for a career? Um, Jim. Jim. He works at a miniature railway station. (CHUCKLES) That's cute. Actually, Alice, I have some good news of my own to add to yours. Oh! Really? What's that? I'm moving to London in four months. (LAUGHS) I am taking over the entire UK division. You'll be working under me, so to speak. Oh! Wow! Well, that's exciting. Yeah. (LAUGHS) I like you, Alice. And I'm pleased to say that I think well be spending a lot more time together. Well, cheers to that. Cheers to you. To London. Cheers. JIM: So, tell me about Francesca. Is she hot? It's not about her being hot. Where did you meet her? Different places. At the store, on the bus. Why didn't you say hello? It's very complicated. No, it's not, Charlie. I mean, you are a great guy. Why wouldn't she be into you? I'm 4'6". So? Short girls get it on with short guys, don't they? I am assuming that Francesca is... She isn't, is she? Well, that doesn't matter, Charlie. I mean, you are a good man. And you have your shit together. Trust me I would rather be three foot and together than six foot and fucked. Well, then, it's time to put your pen to paper, Romeo. Your 10 minutes is up. (PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) Shit! Morning. I have to get to work but I made you breakfast. I'll see you tonight. I'll try and get home early. Hey! (SCREAMS) What do you want? I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Help me! I'm really sorry. Fucking freak! I'm sorry. Wa-ay! Hi. I see you've got yourself a new girlfriend. Things going well? I have something I want to give you. Will I be safe or will I need my pepper spray? Wow! Jim. JIM: Thanks. That you would sit down and think about it and take the time to write it and give it to me Yeah. Well, you know... Can I ask a silly question? Better than anyone else I know. What colour is cyan? Cyan? In in what context? In the context that you wrote it in my letter. You did write it, didn't you? Please, Jim? Everything in that letter sums up exactly how I feel about you. You didn't write it. It sums up everything. It certainly does. Al... You gave her my letter. I just want her back. You wont get her back if you keep taking shortcuts, and I can't help you, Jim, if you don't want to help yourself. Help me help myself. They have to be your words. I can only help you break them out of there. OK. Is there anything we need? Wine. ED PHILLIPS: The Fast Money round I have a theory on the Famous Faces, Cliffy. There is always money behind the black celebrities. Really? You watch. Lets see where all the big dollars were hiding, though. Denzel Washington had the Wild Card. Ha! What'd I say, Cliffy? You should go on that show instead of the other one. No. Millionaire is where the big bucks are. I mean, even if I get halfway... Hello. Hey. You're a legend, sweetie. Did you separate the tomato? Otherwise the roll gets all soggy. Are you gonna fuck me over? I've never heard you say 'fuck' before. There's a life growing inside me, Owen, and it's half me and it's half you. I've seen its heartbeat. It's a very real thing. This is really happening. Now, I don't want to do it alone, but I will. Marie` Because I worry all the time about the baby, about money, about us. I'm not goin anywhere. I love ya, mate. You're my girl. I separated the tomato. Thanks, babe. I can't think of anything! OK, how about something really clever, like, uh... (CLICKS TONGUE) I don't know. Dear Alice... Dear Alice... OK. What now? Tell her how you feel. Let yourself go. Free your mind. Be truthful, be simple, be brave! OK. Love is like a bird. Um, 'Love is like a bird.' How is love like a bird? I dunno! Doesn't it have to be about birds or flowers or rain or the moon and the sun and shit like that? Jim, take a leaf out of my book. How so? Much smaller steps. Aagh! Don't have a maid. Ah! What about writing about the night? They open at night. Dear Alice, I met you... At night. ..at night... Charlie? Yeah? Do you miss your wife? Every single day. What was she like? What can I say? She was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was clumsy but she had real class. I'd do anything to see her again. I, uh, lost my parents when I was 11. It was a car accident. I was in the car with them. So was Marie. I don't think I've ever actually spoken about it with anyone. A full-bodied Shiraz will do that to you. (BOTH CHUCKLE) After the funeral, I stole a car and I drove it into a tree. When I was in your car, Charlie, your letter pulled me out of a place I didn't want to be. (CLOCK TICKS) (BALLS BOUNCE) (RACQUET HITS WALL) Hey, uh, have you finished up there, buddy? Yeah, I've got this court booked till 11 o'clock. Right. (LAUGHS) Yeah, you're... You know, you're not actually playing anyone. Um... You could sit on your arse in the foyer. I've got three minutes left. It's 11 o'clock. No, it's three minutes till 11 o'clock, so why don't you use those three minutes to give your mate a reach-around? (LAUGHS) Loser. That's it, dickwad! I was a semi-professional kickboxer in Thailand before the tsunami hit, you fuck-knuckle. Hey, Blake. How you goin? Me? I'm tip-top. Where the hell have you been? Have you come here for a two-minute game of racquetball? Sorry, man. Something came up. What came up? What came up that made it OK to stand up your best mate? I'm sorry I'm late for squash. Racquetball. Racquetball. I'm sorry. Is this because I didn't give you a birthday present? I told you, it's coming. I've ordered it from the States. We could play squash next week. This is a racquet and this is a ball! Do you see a squash?! It's not that hard, Jimmy! I'll forgive you on one condition. My place tonight 7:30 sharp. I'll take care of the rest. Deal? Deal. Jimmy, I am your best mate and, as your best mate, I have noticed that you have been a little bit down in the dumps ever since Alice dumped you on your birthday. Thanks, man. You save your thank-you speeches until after your surprise, tiger, because through there, your destiny awaits. Yep. In you go. Go on. Jesus! You bought me a hooker? And she looks exactly like Alice. It's uncanny! Sorry, honey. Did I scare you? (CHUCKLES) What the fuck were you thinking? Aagh! Let's all settle down, OK? Uh, Candy Doll, just give Jim and myself just one minute. I'm sorry. If she doesn't leave, I will. Aaah! Candy Doll, it looks like we wont be needing your services tonight. I'm happy to pay for a cab back to your place of employment. My dads a cabbie, so I could probably swing a discount. What do we have here? How about we settle on a pineapple? I need to be paid in full. But we haven't done anything. If I wanted somebody to sit on my bed for half an hour, I would have invited a hobo off the street. I need to be paid in full. Jim? You sure you don't want to ? No? This is ridiculous! 140 bucks. Can I at least feel a boob? What are you like with doona covers? Why don't you be a gentleman for once in your life and go in there and help Candy out with the doona cover? They have feelings, don't you know? Haven't you seen Pretty Woman? (KNOCK AT DOOR) That'll be the pizza. Blakey's treat again. Alice. Hi, Blake. Uh, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind just giving this to Jim for me? Jims... Jim left. Jim left 10...40 minutes ago. Blake, it's OK. I'm not here to blow your house down. JIM: Blake, do you want the silver or the gold pillowcases? Jim. Alice! Alice, don't... Jim. Alice. BLAKE: Candy! Candy? Jessica, actually. Jim. Identical. JIM: Shit. What's going on? This is not what it looks like. That's right. Alice, Candy... Jessica. ..is a paid escort. Unbelievable. We were just putting the doona in the doona cover. It's just haberdashery, Alice. Nice one, mate. Can I go now? (DOOR SLAMS) Did you do the pillowcases? Alice? I wrote you a letter. Who did you rip off this time? Did you compare thee to a summer's day'? Are you going to tell me that I 'had you at hello'? Fuck you, Jim! Fuck you for putting me through this! Alice... No! Don't, Jim. Don't follow me. Don't call me. Just don't. I'm going home, Jim. Consider this your goodbye. The only happy ending you're getting tonight is in there. Alice... Alice! Don't... (ENGINE STARTS) Don't... (TYRES SCREECH) (WEAKLY) Don't go. (SNIFFS) Marie? Marie! What? What is it? What's wrong? Why did you wash my You Am I T-shirt? Uh, because I've been doing your washing for the past 21 years now. Why? What's the problem? Yeah, Jim. What's the problem? My You Am I T-shirt. Don't touch my clothes again, OK? How will you get your clothes clean? I'll go to a laundromat. You wouldn't know where the laundromat is. I'll Google one! What was that about? (THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS ON TV) You hold it right there, James Philip Hagan. I could still smell Alice on the T-shirt. Where's your life, Marie? Aren't you tired of living it through me? Because I've had a gutful. Jim, you're talking shit, man. I don't have a life because I spent my teenage years trying to keep you out of juvenile detention centres. But maybe I should have let you go cause 20 years on, you're still stealing cars. Yeah, you did it for me and I appreciate that. But you also did it for yourself. If I was left alone, you were left alone too. All I'm saying is that you're 38, I'm 33, you don't have to look after me anymore. Well, thanks for straightening that out for all of us, Jim. (CHILDREN'S SHOUTING ECHOES) Oh, no! There's a boombah at two o'clock and she is huge! Jim? No, not me. She's too heavy, mate. You know the rules. Um, madam? Hello. Toot-toot! All aboard! (WOMAN LAUGHS) Um, excuse me, madam. (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) Ah, good job, Jimmy. We cant have our tracks buckling, now, can we? I quit. Oh, come on, Jim. We probably helped her out. Jim? Jimmy? Jim? Don't try and talk me out of it, Bill. I cant stay here any longer. All day, all I do is go round and round and round. Well, guess what? I'm sick of going round and round and round. I'm not trying to talk you outta anything. Truth is I've been waiting for you to quit for 12 years. I was thinking I might have to sack you. What? You've been standing at the station long enough. About time you got on a bloody train. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Mr Wallace, welcome to 'Millionaire'. Correct. So? I stuffed up, mate. I stuffed it all up. I'm a loser with a capital 'L-O-O-S-E-R'. Mate, if this is about... Did you know Captain Cook discovered Fiji? Yeah, I think I did. Well, I didn't. I knew I was a long shot for the million but I thought I might get 100 G. I was gonna get us out of your mum and dad's house, put us in a new home, a bloody massive one. Master bedroom with an ensuite. Nursery for the bub. A room for you, get you out of the granny flat. Bungalow. You were gonna be my Phone-a-Friend, my lifeline, believe it or not. Mate, you would have been in all sorts. I know, it would have been horrendous. Hello, Jim. Who discovered Fiji? I dunno. I'm stealing a car. Can you call back in five?' Sorry. It's OK. Marie should have been my lifeline. She's been my lifeline for nine years now. Where is she? I cant believe you still come here. I wasn't speaking to Dad. I hadn't said a word for three days. All because he wouldn't let me go away with Joshua Nesbitt for the weekend. A few days later, I found out Joshua Nesbitt was shagging my best friend, Sonia Slutface, on the side all that time. Wow, imagine having the surname 'Slutface' and actually being a slutface? (LAUGHS) The last thing I said to Mum was... ..I love you. She died 20 seconds later. Mum and Dad didn't die because you told them you loved them. Yeah, I know. I know. I want to tell Alice how I feel but it's like what's inside stays inside. Well, you know what Dad used to say... ..Better out than in. Yeah, I think he was talking about something else when he said that. (BOTH LAUGH) You do know that saying I love you for the first time is supposed to be hard. If it's not, then you probably don't really mean it. That's what makes it so special. Take it from me. There is such a thing as too late. It's not too late. Alice! Alice! Al... Hi, Jim. Rebecca, is Alice here? No, she's not, actually. When will she be home? She...she's gone. She, uh, she left for London this morning. I'm sorry. Well, that was about as much fun as clubbing a baby seal. Did he look bad? He looked like a baby seal that's recently been clubbed. Are you sure this is what you want to do? I have to do this. I've got to make the tough decision. Five years from now, I'm going to be happy that I walked away. But what if you're not? It's over. She's gone. What? Did you give her the letter? Alice is halfway back to London now. We need to do this today. Do what? Deliver your letter. We need to do this today. Before you know it, she will be gone for good. It's not too late for you, Charlie. I think it's time you met Francesca. (SIGHS) So, Charlie, where are we going? Remember how you said you'd deliver my letter to Francesca? Yeah. That was the deal. Yeah. And I told you it was going to get complicated. Yeah. Where is she, Charlie? Oh... She's here. Where? She's on the bus. OK. Cool. Lets do it. No, Jim, she's... ..on the bus. Francesca Moretti? But, Charlie, she's... I've been trying to get Alice back and you want me to deliver a fan letter to a supermodel? Hey. It's not a fan letter. It's complicated. (DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME? BY BOB EVANS PLAYS) Don't you think it's time? Time to start anew Time for changin views Time for makin up your mind Don't you think It's time? Time for movin on Time for growin strong Time to leave the past behind You've been on my mind (SPRAYS PUFFER) Hi. I'm Blake. Oh, you've been on my mind You've been on my mind Oh, you've been on my mind Don't you think it's time? Time for quelling fear... Happy birthday! Time for meaning what you say... You have to blow them out. Don't you think it's time? Time for easin doubt Time for reachin out Time to open up your eyes You've been on my mind Oh, you've been on my mind. Charlie? Charlie? I used to write letters to Beth all the time before we were married. She thought they were the most beautiful things she had ever read. Then she got sick and started the chemo. So, I started writing her letters again to cheer her up. But when we knew the treatment wasn't working... ..she told me that I had to move on... ..and the only way I was going to do that was to find someone else to write letters to. But... ..Francesca Moretti? Exactly. So, you wrote a letter to the most unattainable woman in the world. That was a perfect plan, Charlie. The only thing is Francesca Moretti is suddenly attainable. She's here. And as far as I'm concerned, we had a deal, so let's do this. It's Francesca Moretti. How are you gonna get my letter to her? You leave that to me. But I do know one thing. What's that? I have the perfect vehicle for this. Lets go deliver the mail. (STARTS ENGINE) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Francesca Moretti. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ciao. Ciao. Grazie. MAN: Next. Jim, there's something I haven't told you. What? I have webbed feet. Well, keep your shoes and socks on. GIRL: Thank you. MAN: Next. OK. I cant do this. You do it. What? Just do it. That was the deal. That was always the deal. You stole my car, goddamn it. Charlie? MAN: Next. Charlie? Listen, buddy. You want your book signed or don't you? It's for a friend. Sure it is, fella. Hello. Would you like me to sign your book? Oh, yes. Yes. Can you, um, can you make it out to Charlie? Sure. To Charlie, Happy reading, Love, Francesca. There you go. Thanks. Is, uh, is that for me? Yes. Yes, it is. It's not a voucher, is it? Because I get the free things already, so... No. No, it's... It's a letter. I'll take care of that. Thank you. Um, you know, in case it is ticking. Like a bomb. (LAUGHS) Thank you. MAN: Next. Goodbye, Francesca. Goodbye, Charlie. Oh, no. I'm not... Come on, buddy. If you want to spend more time with her, I suggest you buy a swimsuit calendar. But I'm not Charlie. Sorry. (BELLS CHIME) She was beautiful, wasn't she? Yeah, she was. She, um... She really was. Sorry about Alice. Wasn't meant to be. (DOOR OPENS) CHARLIE: I did. I got a vibe. You saw it. (JIM LAUGHS) Call off the search party. We found him. Who the hell are you? Blake, Id like you to meet a friend of mine Charlie. Charlie, this is Blake. Nice to meet you. Where have you guys been tonight? Tonight, we... I've been to the Shack, Metropolis, the Seahorse, all the places we used to go together, just the two of us, hanging out. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? How old do you think I am? I don't know. It's kind of difficult to tell. Blake. 35. Is that in human years? Blake! You know, I'm gonna take off. No, you don't have to... It's OK. I'll call you later. Nice to meet you, Blake. Likewise, Sneezy. (DOOR CLOSES) What was that? I don't know. I thought I just might come over and hang out with my best mate, have a few beers. Next thing I know, I'm in an episode of 'Twin Peaks'. What's going on, Jimmy? I never see you anymore and I'm your best mate. Well, you certainly haven't been acting like it. Is this because of the prostitute? A mate would know that I want to spend the rest of my life with Alice, not just dick someone who he thinks looks like her. If you love her that much, why don't you just go out and get her? If I felt like that about anybody, I wouldn't be hangin out with a bloody... With him. I'd be making sure that Alice did not get on that plane. Well, Blake, if you'd been paying attention, you may have realised that Alice has gone. Alice got on that plane. When? Yesterday. No. No. No, I... I saw Alice out last night. Alice was at the Seahorse. No, Blake. You didn't see Alice. You probably just saw some 53-year-old crack whore who you think looked like her. OK, Jim. You know, Jim... ..there are two kinds of blokes. The kind of blokes who get to choose the women they're with, the kind of blokes with the aura and the charm and the swagger, and you are one of those blokes. And then there are blokes, like me, who just have to hope and pray that at least one woman will see past all the things that aren't there, that she always dreamed would be there. I know I have a spark in me. I'm just waiting for somebody to see it. You know, I saw Alice first. What are you talking about? Hangin out with you has been a lot tougher on me than it has been on you, Jim. (WATCH TICKS) It's from Blake. From America. Take him back. Take who back? Hello there. Hello. Where's Alice? Blake. What...what are you doing here? Take him back. At least when he was with you, I saw him occasionally. Blake... Alice, I never thought I'd say this. I liked Jim a lot more when he was with you. Take him back, please. I cant. I leave for London tonight. My cab's going to be here any minute. Just...just give me a minute. Um... OK. Aaah... Blake, what are you doing? I'm just trying to think of something really cool to say that will fix everything. Well, maybe there just isn't anything cool left to say. (SIGHS) Maybe not. You know, Blake, I never told you this. But you were right. About what? About the night we met. My blind date was a no show and you read my mind like the prophet Mohammed. What can I say? I like to read situations. (LAUGHS) You know, Alice... ..we were so lucky that your blind date didn't show up that night. What a stupid fucking man! (KISSES) Well, anything else? A hand job? Go home before I call the cops. What's the forecast for London around this time of year? Is it for shitty or gloomy? (LAUGHS) (KNOCK AT DOOR) Blake, I'm not giving you a hand job! I'm a friend of Jim's. I wanted to give you these. His handwriting's terrible. He writes like a doctor who lost his hands in the war, but the words are coming. They're not quite there yet but they're close. Jimmy, Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! It's Blakey! Jimmy, open up! Open up! It's Alice! She's still here! She hasn't left! You're still a chance, buddy! I'm indestructible. Get out of it! Stop it! Stop it! I suggest you get going. Where? I have a plan. What? Have I mentioned I'm the son of a cab driver? Hello, Yellow Cabs. Your pick-up address, please? Hey, Linda, it's Blakey. Blakey. You're looking well. I can't get onto Dad. I need a favour. LINDA: Cab 94. Come in. Over. This is Cab 94. Over. Is that Shane? Shane is not driving this cab tonight. We had to change cars. Well, we've gotta find him. This is Cab 94 looking for Cab 33. Do you read me? Over. This is Nicholas. Nicholas? It's Sharesh. Where's Shane? WOMAN: No, I'm not! No, I'm not! You are! No, I'm not! No, I'm not! Cab 33 looking for Cab 54. Oh, fuck off! You fat fucking face! I fucking hate you! No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, your fault. Excuse me? What? People are looking for you. It's your fault! You've ruined my life! You've ruined my life! Hey! Hey! Hey! I fucking hate you! Hey! Hey, in the back! Hey! Ease off, woman. If I wanted a headache, I'd have stayed home with me missus. Ill call you back. People are looking for you. What people? Cab 33 looking for Cab 54. Over. Cab 54. Over. Shane, it is Nicholas. Blakey's looking for you. Over. (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Hello? It's Francesca Moretti. Um, you wrote me a letter. Oh, wow. That's...that's... Yes. How can I help you, sir? I'm here to see Francesca Moretti. My name is Charlie Lewis. Right. Password? Excuse me? Well, if you're really here to see Ms Moretti, then she would have given you a password, so... ..may I have that password, please? I don't have it. She didn't give me one. Francesca called me. Yep. OK. This happens all the time. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now, sir. Thank you. I don't blame you for trying. (PHONE RINGS) Concierge. Uh, just hang on a second. Uh, Mr Lewis? Yes. Sorry about before. I... Perfectly understandable. Ms Moretti will be waiting for you in the bar. I'll have to go back downstairs to the front desk in case a fire starts or the old homeless guy starts urinating on the front window again. Of course. Well, here we are. Are you alright, sir? Yeah. I'm OK. Well, good luck. (SIGHS) Lucky little bastard. Buongiorno, Ms Moretti. Oh, I'm sorry. I was expecting somebody else. I know. But you were expecting me...sort of. My names Charlie. My friend Jim gave you a letter. But it was me... I wrote that letter for you. I see. I know you expected someone else. Um... I'm sorry. I'm gonna go. I'm sorry to bother you. But before I do, can...can I ask you one thing? Sure. (SPEAKS ITALIAN) Grazie. Drink with me. I, um, I have this bottle of red wine and is very expensive. Please. Drink with me. Well, I've got nothing to do tonight. I was going to draft a letter to Catherine Zeta-Jones but that can wait. (LAUGHS) Are those for me? Uh, si. Wow. Sono bellissimi. Grazie. Um... (LAUGHS) (WHISPERS) Shh. (LAUGHS) Well, I guess... Keep in touch, yeah? Yeah. Bye. (BOTH LAUGH) (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. No. Will you excuse me, please, for one moment? Of course. Hello, Charlie. Beth? You look very handsome. So, you found somebody to write a letter to? It's not what it looks like. I know. Oh, I missed you so much. There's so much I want to say to you. I love you. I love you too. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) I'm sorry about that. Are you OK? Yeah, I'm great. Now, I have one question for you. How did you know that my favourite colour was cyan? Oh. (HORNS HONK) WOMAN: Get off the road! MAN: Get out of the way! Um, could you go a little faster, please? Are you gonna pay the fine, sweetheart? No. I didn't think so. Look, I think I'm gonna have to stop for a wee. (HORN HONKS LOUDLY) Aaaagh! Aaaagh! Aaagh! Chhh! Wrong street, dickhead. What? Give me the bike. No! Don't make me get stabby on ya. Oh, you wanna get stabbed? Huh? Huh? Spoof bag! No! Aaaaaaaagh! (SHOUTS) Do you know it's a postie bike? Aaaaagh! I'm indestructible. SHANE: Come on! Come on! Are you going to be long? Sorry, love. I've got a bit of stage fright here. You are joking, right? It's bad timing, eh? Bad timing? Um, yes. It is bad timing. I'm going to miss my plane. I'll tell you what, it's never gonna happen if you keep at me like this. No. (ZIPS PANTS) She's a false alarm. Good. Alright. Now, lets see. Which is the best way to the airport? She was insane. (LAUGHS) Hmm. You are a good man. And you have a special heart. And you have a plane to catch. Yes, I do. Uh, before you go, can I ask a favour? Yeah. Can I have a photo? Of course you can. But, um, maybe I look different than I do in the magazines. Then that would be perfect. OK. Strike a pose. OK. (CAMERA CLICKS) Great. OK. Now is my turn. OK. (CHUCKLES) OK. (CAMERA CLICKS) Oh! You're very handsome. No. Goodbye, Charlie. Goodbye, Francesca. (HORNS HONK) Oh, no. I don't like the sound of this. The sound of what? I can't hear anything. It sounds pretty nasty to me. Look, I'm gonna have to pull over. Right. What now? Um, I dunno. Well, shouldn't you look under the hood? I don't know! JIM: Alice! Alice! Thank God. Alice! You know I cant stop the meter, love. Union rules. Alice! I loved you from the first moment I saw you. And I'm embarrassed that it's taken me three and half years to tell you that. Someone told me recently that it should be hard to tell someone that you love them but it shouldn't be this hard. I... You smile in your sleep. What? When you sleep... ..you smile. And I love looking at you when you're asleep and smiling because it makes me think that maybe you're happy to be with me and that maybe us being together... ..is the way things are meant to be. It's OK. It's OK. I've stopped the meter. I don't care which finger you put that ring on. All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, starting right now, right here. Why didn't you say this earlier? I've got to go to London, Jim. How about you don't go to London? I've packed up my life. My flight leaves in two hours. Marry me. What? What did you just say? Alice Richardson... ..I love you. Will you marry me? Yes. (LAUGHS) Yes! Now, was that so hard? Well, yes, it was, actually. (GROANS) (SIREN WAILS) Good morning, Ms Moretti. Ms Moretti? Ms Moretti, one more! Ms Moretti? (DO YOU REALISE? BY THE FLAMING LIPS PLAYS) (SIREN WAILS) Do you realise That you have The most beautiful face? Do you realise Were floating in space? Do you realise That happiness makes you cry? Do you realise That everyone You know Some day will die? And instead of saying all of your goodbyes Let them know you realise that life goes fast It's hard to make the good things last You'll realise the sun doesn't go down It's just an illusion Caused by the world spinning round Do you realise? Hey. Hey. Want a drag? No, I'm OK. When did you start smoking? This morning. I'm thinking of quitting, though. (SIGHS) This is all shit. Life's too short. That wasn't supposed to be a joke. Sorry. I... It's OK, man. Look, I, um... I just wanted to apologise for me recently. I've been a complete tool. I want to tell you something, Jim-Jams, and it's not easy for me to say this. We are not George Clooney. And maybe we never were. And by the way, I Googled George Clooney and it turns out, he did get married once. Is that right? Wikipedia does not lie. This is true. But even George Clooney craves something... ..more substantial. And I've been craving it, too, for a long time now, and it's taken me 34 years to realise that I've been going about it completely the wrong way. Mate, you will find somebody. Well, that's the thing, Jim-Jams. I think I have found somebody. Really? When did all this happen? She lives with Alice. I think she works with her. She's really nice. I think I really like her. I do not believe it. Is the Blake-inator in love? Don't start. I don't want to say anything out loud. I don't want to jinx it. Fair call. Fair call. I will say this, though. What? I nailed her in Alice's bed. Right. Excellent. I think well keep that between the two of us, though, don't you? That's a good idea, squire. Blake? We have a wedding to organise. Yes, we do. Is there anything you want me to organise a band, a DJ? A prostitute? I think I'm OK for all of those. But I will be needing something. What? Blake... ..will you be my best man? I do. (BREATHLESS BY NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS PLAY S) She's late. Mate, you'd be surprised how many women have second thoughts on their wedding day. Here we go. (TRAIN HORN TOOTS) Ah, she's beautiful, mate. Well done. Well done to all of us. You got the rings, Blakey? No, mate. Forgot them. (CHUCKLES) (PLANS BY YOU AM I PLAYS) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015