1 1 (BELL RINGS) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (PLAYS BLUES) (HORNS HONK) (TYRES SCREECH) Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (ALARM BLARES) FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!! OH, NO! WHAT DO I SAVE? TROPHIES, TROPHIES. ATTENDANCE! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! GET IN! MOVE IT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (TYRES SCREECH) GOOD WORK, EVERYONE. WE'RE SURE TO BE FIRST IN LINE FOR DUFF DAYS. YOU SET OFF THE SMOKE ALARM TO RUSH US TO A BEER FESTIVAL? (LAUGHS) I KNOW, I'M A CHARACTER. NOW A LITTLE BEER MUSIC TO GET IN THE MOOD. (POLKA MUSIC PLAYS) LOOKING FOR THESE? (HUMS MOCKINGLY) (MUSIC STOPS) (SIGHS) (ALL PLAY POLKA MUSIC) DRINK DUFF... (WHISPERS) RESPONSIBLY. DRINK DUFF... (WHISPERS) RESPONSIBLY. NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS OUR DESIGNATED DRIVER? (HOMER GRUNTS) TWIST OFF, DAMN IT. I GUESS I'LL BE DRIVING. RIGHT THIS WAY TO THE DUFF DESIGNATED DRIVERS' ROCKIN' FUN ZONE. ROCKIN' FUN ZONE? THAT SOUNDS... I DON'T SEE THE NEED FOR RAZOR WIRE. WHOO, THERE'S ULYSSES S GRANT, BABE RUTH... (GASPS) BEN FRANKLIN. EARLY TO BED... (HICCUPS) EARLY TO RISE... (SLURRED) YOU THINK... YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME? HUH? OK, KIDS, WHO WANTS TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GET DRUNK? OOH! UH! UH! UH! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! NOW YOU'RE CHARMING. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. THIS GUY HERE... THIS IS THE GUY. (LAUGHS) (GROANS) Announcer: All right, Springfield, belly up for the Duff Beer-Tender of the Year Contest. (RAUCOUS CHEERS) Now, fresh from his appearance before the House subcommittee on teenage alcoholism, Duffman! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME DUFF LOVE? (RAUCOUS CHEERS) ALL RIGHT! TODAY WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHICH OF THESE BARTENDERS HAS THE RIGHT STUFF TO DISPENSE DUFF. # Oh, yeah! # FROM THE GREEN POTATO PUB AT O'HARE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, MICHAEL FINN. (CHEERS) FROM JUGGERNAUTS IN HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, TITANIA. (RAUCOUS CHEERS) AND NOW, THE LOCAL LUG WHO FILLS YOUR MUG WITH THE DRUG YOU CHUG ` OH, YEAH! ` GIVE IT UP FOR MOE SZYSLAK. HELLO, SPRINGFIELD, HOW YOU...? OOH! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHOO-HOO-HOO! OK, OUR FIRST EVENT QUALIFIES FOR COURSE CREDIT AT DARTMOUTH COLLEGE: TRICK POURING. # FOR GOODNESS SAKE # # I GOT THE HIPPY HIPPY SHAKE # # YEAH, I GOT THE SHAKE # # I GOT THE HIPPY HIPPY SHAKE... # GO, MOE! BOO, EVERYONE ELSE! I THINK WE KNOW WHO WINS THIS ROUND... TITANIA! DUFF BEER IS BREWED FROM HOPS, BARLEY AND SPARKLING CLEAR MOUNTAIN WHAT? GOAT. CLOSE ENOUGH. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (SIGHS) YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE GOAT. NOW, OUR FINAL ROUND, WHICH COUNTS FOR 98% OF THE TOTAL SCORE, MAKING THE PREVIOUS ROUNDS A COMPLETE WASTE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) DON'T FORGET, TODAY'S WINNER WILL BE IMMORTALISED ON OUR NEW DUFF CALENDAR. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, ONE, TWO, THREE... 'MOO'? LENNY, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE 'E.' SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SKIP REHEARSAL? ALL RIGHT, BARTENDERS, TOSS YOUR DRUNKS! (GRUNTS) AND STAY OUT! EWW! YOU SAID IF I SLEPT WITH YOU, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO TOUCH THE DRUNK. DUFFMAN SAYS A LOT OF THINGS ` OH, YEAH! (GRUNTS) AND THE WINNER ` MOE SZYSLAK! (CHEERS) AW, THAT'S GREAT. THANK YOU, THANKS A LOT. UH, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT IT WAS AN HONOUR FOR ME TO COMPETE WITH THE MICK AND THE CHICK WITH THE RACK THERE. THAT'S MY MOO! AND NOW, TO TAKE YOUR OFFICIAL CALENDAR PORTRAIT ` DUFF'S VICE-PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF CALENDARS AND FAKE I.D.s, PHIL ANGELIDES. (CHEERS) EWW... THAT'S A MUG YOU DON'T WANT TO CHUG. KNOCK IT OFF, LARRY. WE CAN'T PUT THIS FACE ON OUR CALENDAR. (GRUNTS) WHEN I GET HOME, THERE ARE GOING TO BE A LOT OF OPEN PICKLE JARS. THAT ONE. KIDS, WOULD YOU LIKE A BALLOON? YEAH, RIGHT, MOM. THEN I'D LIKE A RATTLE AND A WOWWIPOP (!) ACTUALLY, I WOULD LIKE A WOWWIPOP. THOSE BALLOONS WON'T BIODEGRADE FOR 10,000 YEARS AND IF BART GETS A WOWWIPOP, I WANT A WOWWIPOP. AH, MAGGIE WANTS A BALLOON AND DADDY WILL TAKE A HAND STAMP SO HE CAN GET BACK IN. AND DADDY WILL TAKE A HAND STAMP SO HE CAN GET BACK IN. (GROANS) JUST KIDDING. REMEMBER MY FACE. OH, BOY, UH,... UH... UH... MOE, THE NEW DUFF CALENDARS ARE OUT... THE ONES WITH YOUR PICTURE! OH, BOY! MOVE OVER, LIQUOR LICENCE. HEY, MOE, THIS LICENCE EXPIRED IN 1973 AND IT'S ONLY GOOD IN RHODE ISLAND AND IT'S SIGNED BY YOU. YEAH, YEAH, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO GET THAT UPDATED FOR THIS STATE AND REAL. NOW, LET'S SEE THE POSTER BOY FOR THE NEW MOE-LENNIUM. HEY... THEY PUT A STICKER OVER MY FACE. AW, FOR THE LOVE OF JEFF... AM I REALLY THAT UGLY? MOE, IT'S ALL RELATIVE. IS LENNY REALLY THAT DUMB? IS BARNEY THAT DRUNK? IS HOMER THAT LAZY, BALD AND FAT? OH, MY GOD, IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. (ALL BUT CARL CRY) SEE, THIS IS WHY I DON'T TALK MUCH. 1 I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY PUT THOSE STICKERS OVER MY FACE. (SIGHS) I MUST BE THE UGLIEST MAN ALIVE. OH, MOE, THERE'S LOTS OF PEOPLE UGLIER THAN YOU. LIKE, YOU EVER BEEN TO WHITE CASTLE? OH, BOY, PIGTOWN, U.S.A. AW, COME ON, LOOK AT ME, I'M A GARGOYLE. WHAT WITH THE CAULIFLOWER EAR THERE AND THE LIZARD LIPS... LITTLE RAT EYES... CAVEMAN BROW... DON'T FORGET THAT FISH MOUTH. OK! I GET IT. I AIN'T PLEASANT TO LOOK AT. OR LISTEN TO... OR BE WITH. COME ON, MOE, DON'T FEEL BAD. THERE'S TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON LOOKS THESE DAYS. THAT'S WHY THEY WON'T LET BILL MAHER ON TV BEFORE MIDNIGHT. HEY, MOE, IF YOU'RE TIRED OF BEING AN EYESORE, WHY NOT GET SOME PLASTIC SURGERY? PLASTIC SURGERY, HUH? MAYBE THEY CAN DYNAMITE MOUNT CRAPMORE HERE AND CARVE ME A NEW KISSER. OH, I DON'T KNOW. PLASTIC SURGERY MIGHT MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD ON THE OUTSIDE BUT YOU STILL MIGHT FEEL BAD ON THE INSIDE. BUT I'D LOOK GOOD ON THE OUTSIDE, RIGHT? YEAH, BUT YOU'D FEEL BAD INSIDE. PLASTIC SURGERY IT IS! CARL CARLSON, YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE. HEY! GET OUT OF THERE. (GURGLES HAPPILY) LOOK AT HER. IT MUST BE GREAT TO BE A BABY AND BE SO EASILY AMUSED. YEAH, I WISH I COULD BE ENTERTAINED BY TWO CENTS' WORTH OF RUBBER SHAPED LIKE SOME COLOURFUL ANIMAL DANCING AND TWIRLING... DANCING AND TWIRLING... HEY! GIVE ME THAT! THAT'S MINE! (SQUEALS UNHAPPILY) THE DOOR! OH, NO! (GURGLES UNHAPPILY) OK, DON'T PANIC, I'LL GET THE BIKES. I HOPE THEY'RE HOVER BIKES. OH, MAN, THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME. (GROANS) MM-HMM... YEAH... HMM... HMM... (IMITATES BOMB WHISTLING) (IMITATES EXPLOSION) IT'S HOPELESS, AIN'T IT? NO, NO, NO, I LOVE A CHALLENGE. FIRST, WE MUST INSTALL BUTTOCKS. NAH, NAH, NAH, NO LUXURY ITEMS, JUST THE FACE. OK, I'M GOING TO MOVE THIS UP, THIS WIDER. WE'RE GOING TO LOSE THAT. I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN ONE OF THESE. CAN THE MEDICAL MUMBO JUMBO. CAN YOU FIX ME OR NOT? WELL, WE'LL SEE. YOU KNOW, MOST FACES NEED A LITTLE REMODELLING, BUT THIS IS A TOTAL TEAR-DOWN. LET ME CLEAN UP THIS MESS I MADE. HEY, HEY! HEY, THAT REALLY BURNS THERE! OH, STOP IT, YOU'RE WORSE THAN FAYE DUNAWAY. (BART GRUNTS) WE'VE GOT TO GET CLOSER. OH, I'M TRYING! CAN'T I GET ON YOUR SHOULDERS? I'M NOT RIDING A GIRL'S BIKE. HEY, IT'S GETTING AWAY! STEP ON IT! HYAH! HYAH! STOP KICKING ME! HYAH! HOO! BOY! WHAT A MUG! YOU SHOULD SEE HIS GENITALS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THEM? I'M AWAKE HERE. UH-OH. THIS ISN'T ANAESTHETIC. IT'S NEW CAR SMELL. OH, SORRY, DOCTOR. # OH, SILVER BELLS, # SILVER BELLS... # IT'S GOING INTO THAT BUILDING! NICE SUIT, JEEVES. DADDY, I'M STEALING! I'M STEALING! OH, THAT'S MY LITTLE DUDE. WE NEED A SYMBOL ` SOMETHING THAT SAYS WE'RE GAY AND REPUBLICAN. A LITTLE ON THE NOSE, DON'T YOU THINK? EXCUSE ME. WE JUST CAME TO GET OUR BALLOON. HERE YOU GO. AND HAVE A BUMPER STICKER. THANK YOU. WE'RE REALISTIC. HURRY. HURRY UP! I HAVE TO PEE! BEAUTIFUL. OK, NOW DO MOE. WELL, MOE, NOW WE SEE IF YOU GO ON MY WALL OF FAME OR MY BLOOPER REEL. (BOTH GASP) WHAT? I'M A MONSTER, RIGHT? I KNEW IT. I GUESS I'LL JUST CRAWL BACK TO LIVE IN THE SEWER PERIODICALLY EMERGING TO SUE YOU. WOW! IS THAT ME? OOPSIE! WE'VE GOT SOME LEAKAGE. LET ME JUST CAUTERISE THAT FOR YOU. (SCREAMS) BYE, MOE. DON'T BE A STRANGER, HANDSOME. BYE-BYE. HOMER, DID YOU HEAR THAT? SHE CALLED ME HANDSOME. ME! IT'S LIKE I'VE GONE TO HEAVEN. WAIT A MINUTE. I DIED ON THE OPERATING TABLE, DIDN'T I? I DIED ON THE OPERATING TABLE, DIDN'T I? YEAH, BUT JUST FOR A MINUTE. IT'S A FUNNY STORY. I'LL TELL YOU SOMETIME. SO THIS IS ALL REAL? OH, YOU DEAR, DEAR MAN. YOU'RE ONE OF US BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE NOW AND YOUR NEW LIFE BEGINS TODAY. A NEW LIFE. A SECOND CHANCE... FOR REVENGE. THAT BROWN PATCH NEEDS A LITTLE H2O! OH, YEAH! HEY, DUFFMAN, LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE A STICKER ON YOUR FACE! YEAH. DUFFMAN CAN'T BREATHE! OH, NO! HELLO. YEAH, HELLO, YOURSELF. I'M MOE SYZSLAK. BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I ASKED YOU TO THE SPRINGTIME PUMPKIN DANCE AND YOU TURNED ME DOWN. WELL, I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU THE FACE THAT YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KISSING. YEAH! OH, I WAS JUST A STUPID KID BACK THEN, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT HURTING YOU. WILL YOU ACCEPT MY APOLOGY? APOLOGY? UH... GEEZ, I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT. UH... (GLASS BREAKS) RUN! MAN, THAT FELT GREAT! OK, LAST STOP, CHANNEL SIX. YOU GOING TO GET EVEN WITH THAT LOTTERY GUY WHO NEVER PICKS OUR NUMBERS? NAH, NAH, NAH. THIS IS PERSONAL. IT ALL GOES BACK TO MY ACTING DAYS. I WAS AUDITIONING FOR THE ROLE OF DR. TAD WINSLOW ON THE HIT SOAP, 'IT NEVER ENDS'. ANGELA, I'M AFRAID I... Woman: THANK YOU, NEXT! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WELL, YOU SAID YOU WANTED 'GRITTY.' IN OTHER WORDS, 'UGLY.' I WANTED MARY-ANN ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND UGLY, NOT CORNELIUS ON THE PLANET OF THE APES UGLY. 'TV' UGLY, NOT UGLY UGLY. I'D BEEN CALLED UGLY, PUG UGLY, FUGLY, PUG FUGLY BUT NEVER UGLY UGLY. WELL, IT'S TIME TO GET SOME CLOSURE... EXTREME CLOSURE. BUT I'VE BEEN DR. TAD WINSLOW FOR 25 YEARS. IT'S TIME I GOT A RAISE. OH, SHUT UP, YOU WINDY, OLD HACK. AND ANOTHER THING. YOU HAVE TO STOP CALLING ME THAT. REMEMBER ME? 25 YEARS AGO YOU SAID I WAS TOO UGLY TO PLAY DR. TAD WINSLOW. I DID? WELL, THAT'S WHY PENCILS HAVE ERASERS, HON. YOU'RE OUR NEW DR. TAD WINSLOW. REALLY? YOU MEAN IT? BUT THERE CAN'T BE TWO DR. TAD WINSLOWS. THAT'S GOING TO... OH. I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL MY LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT. (LAUGHS) HOMER, WHOA, WHOA, HOMER. CHANGE OF PLANS. WHATEVER. 1 Man: Like the cleaning of a house, It Never Ends. With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide... and as Dr. Tad Winslow... Moe Szyslak. I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE ABLE TO ACCEPT MOE AS DR. TAD WINSLOW. WELL, I'M GOING TO KEEP WATCHING AS LONG AS THEY HAVE SHOCKING STORY TWISTS AND ENDLESS PILLOW TALK. CLEO, CLEO, YOU'VE BROUGHT MUSIC TO MY HEART BUT THIS RELATIONSHIP CAN NEVER WORK. I'M A DOCTOR AND YOU'RE A 5000-YEAR-OLD MUMMY I BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE. BUT I LOVE YOU, TAD, AND TOGETHER, WE CAN BURN ALL THE CITIES OF THE EARTH. IT'S AGAINST HOSPITAL REGULATIONS, DAMN IT! AND CLIVE DANCER'S JUST WAITING FOR ME TO SLIP UP. SO, LENNY, HOW ARE THINGS WORKING OUT WITH YOU AND THAT GIRL NEXT DOOR? AH, IT'S OVER. SHE GOT A WINDOW SHADE. WHA...?! WHOA, WHOA, IF YOU MUST GROPE ME, LADIES, PLEASE, A LITTLE SOFTER. OK, NOW, HARDER. HEY, THERE ARE WOMEN IN OUR BAR. HEY, MOE, BEER ME. I'M A LITTLE BUSY, HOMER. UH, YOU CAN POUR IT YOURSELF. HMM. THIS ISN'T NEARLY AS COMPLICATED AS MOE MADE IT SEEM. (YELLS AND SPUTTERS) (GURGLES) I DIDN'T BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE SO YOU COULD MAKE A FOOL OF ME AT THE CLUB! YOU DON'T LOVE ME! THE ONLY THING YOU LOVE IS YOUR EAR, NOSE AND THROAT PAVILION. I'VE DEDICATED MY LIFE TO DISEASES OF THE HEAD HOLES BUT THE ONE HOLE I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FIX IS THE ONE IN MY SOUL! THAT WAS AMAZING, MOE. I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE TURNED ON. YEAH, HEY, I GOT A GIFT. AS A CHILD, I WAS BITTEN BY THE ACTING BUG. THEN IT BURROWED UNDER MY SKIN AND LAID EGGS IN MY HEART. NOW THOSE EGGS ARE HATCHING, AND I... THE FEELING IS INDESCRIBABLE. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. OUR DOG HAD THAT. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Boy: EXCUSE ME. I GOT A DELIVERY HERE FOR THE PRODUCERS. 'TOP SECRET STORYLINES'? UH, I'LL SIGN FOR IT. EH, MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A LITTLE PEEK... (CHUCKLES) HMM... HMM! LOOKS LIKE MY CHARACTER GETS BACK TOGETHER WITH THAT EVIL CONTESSA. THE ONE WITH THE AMULET? PRECISELY. THEN I GET IN A SKYDIVING ACCIDENT AND HAVE TO BE RUSHED TO THE... GRAVEYARD?! THEY'RE KILLING OFF DR. TAD WINSLOW! WHAT? LET ME SEE THAT. 'INTERIOR CORONER'S OFFICE. 'CLOSE-UP ON DR. WINSLOW'S MANGLED CORPSE. 'CORONER: LET'S GET THAT BRAIN OUT AND WEIGHED AND CALL IT A DAY.' YEP. THAT DOES SOUND KIND OF BAD. WELL, IF THEY'RE GOING TO STOMP ON MY DREAMS THE LEAST I CAN DO IS GO OUT IN A BLAZE OF SOUR GRAPES. I NEVER USED TO TRUST YOU, CONTESSA, BUT NOW YOU SEEM SO NICE. WHY DON'T WE CELEBRATE YOUR NEWFOUND TRUST IN ME BY TAKING A SKYDIVING LESSON? WELL, HOW COULD I SAY NO TO SUCH A CAPTIVATING...? Homer: DING DONG. WHOA! IT'S THE DOOR! DR. WINSLOW... WHY, WHO ARE YOU? I AM AN ANGEL FROM THE FUTURE. ANGEL? WHAT THE FUDGE?! SHOULD I CUT HIM OFF? NO. LET'S SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING. AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL US, OH, ANGEL OF THE FUTURE? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IN A SKYDIVING ACCIDENT. HOW TRAGIC! TELL ME MORE. GABRIELLA'S BABY SHOWER WILL BE INVADED BY TERRORISTS, WITH SEXY RESULTS. OOH, THAT'S UNEXPECTED. WHAT ELSE? WELL, SISTER BERNADETTE WILL LEAVE THE CONVENT AND START A SOFTBALL TEAM WITH SEXY RESULTS. WHAT'S DAD DOING ON THE SHOW? WHO CARES? HE'S DISHING OUT THE DIRT. ...AND ONLY THEN DO WE FIND OUT THAT PROFESSOR GALLAWAY'S HALF SISTER IS PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER INTERNATIONAL PERFUME AND WINE. HE JUST GAVE AWAY A YEAR'S WORTH OF STORY LINES! CUT HIM OFF... NOW. (BOTH LAUGH) YEAH. YES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? STICKING IT TO YOU FOR KILLING OFF MY CHARACTER! WHOO! YOU IDIOT! DR. WINSLOW WAS ONLY GOING TO DIE IN A DREAM. WHAT...?! PINK PAGES ALWAYS MEAN A DREAM. I THOUGHT DREAMS WAS ON GOLDENROD. NO. GOLDENROD IS FOR COMA FANTASIES. I SEE. SO, UH... WHAT TIME TOMORROW? (LAUGHS) ESCORT THESE MEN OUT... NOW. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME. GET OFF! I DON'T NEED YOUR STINKING SHOW, ANYWAY. WITH A MUG LIKE THIS, I CAN GET ON ANY SOAP IN SPRINGFIELD. (DOOR SLAMS) (GLASS BREAKS) OH! OH, MY FACE! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO PUT WEIGHT ON IT! (ALL GASP) WHAT? WHAT?! SORRY ABOUT YOUR FACE, MOE. NAH, IT'S JUST AS WELL. THAT HANDSOME FACE WAS NICE, BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH MAINTENANCE. I HAD TO WASH IT, RUB IT WITH NEAT'S FOOT OIL... YOU DID ME A FAVOUR, HOMER. AND TO THINK I WAS ABOUT TO SELL THE BAR TO HOOTERS. YEAH. YOU WERE... D-OH! WELL, I GUESS THAT WRAPS IT UP. HEY, THERE'S ONE THING I DON'T GET, THOUGH. WHEN MY FACE WAS CRUSHED, WHY'D IT GO BACK TO MY OLD FACE? SHOULDN'T IT HAVE TURNED INTO SOME THIRD FACE THAT WAS DIFFERENT? IT DON'T MAKE NO` Captioning by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016