1 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) TYRES SCREECH D'oh! Ah, trash night. In France, they call it la nuit des poubelles. In Germany, it's 'crappenfest'. I can't believe it only comes 52 times a year. Quit gabbing and start grabbing. And remember, the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice. See? A new pacifier for Maggie. Looky here. Cardy-board tubes. Now we can have indoor plumbing just like they's got at the women's lock-up. They spoilt you, Brandine. Sometimes I don't even know who you are any more. Ha! Looks like Milhouse's mom finally threw out his blanky. He'll pay a lot to get this back. Especially when we send it to him piece by piece. EVIL LAUGHTER Shh. Quiet. It seems I will never sell these She-hulk vs Leon Spinks comics. Worst crossover ever. MUMBLING Shoo, nerds, shoo! CHITTERING Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. Dad, that's a sports bra. All I know is, I'm finally getting the support I need. Look, Dad, barber hair. (SNIFFS) Ooh, Italian. Hey, Vinnie, how's about a pizza? I got-a no job. (GASPS) Mama mia. Look what the Hawaiian restaurant threw out. Get out of my dreams and into my car. HISSING I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy. (SNIFFS) Good Lord, that's gas. Behold, I am King Talkie-Tiki. Hey, Flanders. Can your god do that? Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so... Irregardless, I am your god now. Homer, you just can't re-route the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is? Do not anger Talkie-Tiki! I am all-power... (SCREAMS) I'll be at Moe's. So I says to the cop, 'No, YOU'RE driving under the influence 'of being a jerk.' LAUGHTER (SIGHS) Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face? You glum or something? Huh, glummy? You know, it was my birthday last week and no one remembered. What are you, nuts? I threw you a party at my house. You lie! Why would I not remember my own... birthday? But we did have a shindig for you, Barn. We even videotaped it. Look. BART: OK, Mom, we're rolling. I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion. 'Now that you're one year older, 'the time flew by so fast...' Bart! BART LAUGHS Give me that. I'm just saying that, when we die there's going to be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese and we'll all be a lot happier. Mr Gumbel, you're upsetting me. No, I'm not. Gee, is that who I look like when I'm drunk? You wish. That's the stage we call Professor Barney ` talkative, coherent, even insightful. Here's drunk. HIGH VOICE: Well, I'm off to market. (BELCHES) Marge, you're making a complete fool of your... Oh, it's just Barney. (GASPS) Precious alcohol soaking into shag. (GROWLS) Oh, how embarrassing. How did this happen? Oh, that. You've had that for a while. Yeah, I can't really picture you without it. Oh, I'm a disgrace. Disgracefully hilarious. You passed out before we could even give you your presents. I still got mine. Barney, I got you what no drunk can do without ` morning-after stationery. ALL LAUGH And I got you helicopter flying lessons. Can you imagine this boozebag at the wheel of a whirlybird? (LAUGHS) He'd be all 'Look at me ` 'I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!' ALL LAUGH Ah, anyway, happy b-day, punkin. So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me? Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tanking up. Hey, hey. Where you going? I'll show you. I'm going to take these helicopter lessons. Wait a minute, Barney. You got to be sober to fly. I mean, it's not like driving a car. And I'm going to quit drinking. ALL LAUGH No, I mean it. ALL LAUGH You won't see me here again, ever. Wait, that ain't funny. He's my best customer. Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar's going to have to go queer. You mean, it's not? Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield. 1 Farewell, my long-necked friends. (GRUNTS) All right, world, get ready to meet the clean and sober Barney Gumbel. Whee! Give me a beer. I knew you'd be back. QUIETLY: Santeria, you're the greatest. Barney, didn't you say you were going to stop drinking? I know,... but it's so hard! Please help me, Homer! You came to the right guy. I'll straighten you out right after I finish this beer. Ah, man, that's sweet. OK, let's go. My name is Barney, and... I'm an alcoholic. I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want AA ` this is AAA. Oh. My name is Homer and I'm planning a trip to St Louis. East St Louis? Is there any other St Louis? Ah, welcome back, Homer. I see you've finally hit rock-bottom. (SCOFFS) Not a chance. I can sink way lower. I just came to help my friend Barney. We all know why we're here, don't we? To keep ourselves sober and to network. So let's get started. Well, after I lost my third job in two days old Gil was in a pit of despair. And that's when you realised you were an alcoholic. Oh, no, I never touch the stuff, but you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway. Now, this is used crankcase oil which you ladies know is murder to clean up, you know, and company's coming. Ah! You're doing this at the worst possible time. Oh, your finger's in my eye! I have a problem with alcohol, and I need help. Well, your recovery begins today and we promise you all the sugar cookies and second-hand smoke you can handle. These sugar cookies you speak of ` are they real or symbolic? They're on that table over there. Oh, I don't want to walk that far. Anything that takes 12 steps isn't worth doing. Get it? Huh? 12? (LAUGHS) Steps? Hey, how did I get out here? (GIGGLES) Hurt everyone. Did Gaga just say 'hurt everyone'? (LAUGHS) Gaga ` cute name. ANNOUNCER: The Springfield phone book needs a new cover. It does? It does? Send us your snapshots, and, if we select yours, you win a fabulous mystery prize. To enter, send your film to this address. Too quick? Try again. Did you get it? Here it is. Coming in from the left. Don't delay. Do it today! You think we should enter? Well, it shouldn't be too hard to beat the old photo. Hey, here's a camera. And it's still got a roll of film in it. Man, these old cameras are really built solid. Bart, we need that to win the contest. Win the what now? (SIGHS) Here goes. So he's so busy worrying about the front rotor he walks right into the back one. (LAUGHS) Only in this business. I'd like to sign up for helicopter lessons. Sorry, pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds. I got a coupon. OK, get in. Elvis played a chopper pilot one time. He made so many darn mistakes we were just laughing at him. Great singer, though. Oh, absolutely. You know who else I like is that, uh, Leo Sayer. Anyway, we're nice and level now. How'd you like to take the controls? You think I'm ready? Sure, I do. One sec. Testing black box ` one, two. (SCREAMS) She's all yours, friend. BARNEY: Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Hey! I think I'm getting it. Yes, that's great. Now let's just pull ourselves out of this tailspin here. Ooh! Oh, I'm sorry about that. It's OK. That's what the diapers are for. Now, when the mamma bird returns to feed her babies we'll have a prizewinning picture. Lisa, people these days don't want to see a baby bird. They want to see celebrities at their worst. Is that Rainier Wolfcastle? Check out the gut. It's for a movie. I'm playing a fat secret agent. Hey, Homer. Oh, no, no, no. Don't sit there. Take this seat, right next to the tap. But that's Barney's seat. Are you trying to make me the new Barney? Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk. Yeah, someone who makes OUR alcoholism seem less raging. Well, forget it, guys. I am not Barney. (BELCHES) ALL LAUGH See, Homer? It's not so bad. Now dance, rummy! O-OK. (MUMBLES MELODY) You danced for hours just because they told you to? If I didn't, I'd lose their respect. HELICOPTER APPROACHES Check it out, Homer! I'm flying this thing! Get it away from the house! Want to go for a ride? Can I, Marge?! Can I?! Yes, go! Just go! So you missed some big changes at Moe's. He hangs newspapers over the urinals now. You can read the sports page while you pee! Very la-di-da. I've made some big changes, too. Can you believe I'm flying this helicopter? Power lines! Power lines! Whoops, sorry. When I think about all the time I've wasted at Moe's... Wasted? What about our staring contests and the way we always knew what football coaches should've done? Remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker? Those are all priceless memories, Homer, but I don't want to do that stuff any more. Oh, so you're better than me, is that it? I didn't say that. Take me home. Oh, don't be that way, Homer. I'll scream. OK, OK. So how was your ride with Barney? I don't want to talk about it. (CRIES) (SLAMS DOOR) (SOBS) 1 (GRUNTS) Stupid Barney. Thinks he's too good for me. Cheer up, Homie. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years. But you've got me. Who have I got? Oh. Well, you still have Lenny and Carl. Aw, Lenny and Carl suck. Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that 'cause if I ever lost them as friends... Look, if Barney's that important to you you've got to work it out. Old friends stick together, like OJ and AC or the Falcon and the Snowman. Oh, why can't I have a nickname? LISA: OK, that's it. Looks good. Aw, Bart, the bulldog didn't ante. OK, on three. One, two... Perfect! Phone book cover, here I come! Ha! Ha! Hey! No fair! Oh, we'll never get a good picture. Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head? That picture's a cliche. Picture? Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhoea? I need to do a little spring-cleaning. They're in the safety cabinet; I'll get the key. Oh, hello, Homer. Barney. Beer, huh? That's right. Enjoy. That, I will. Then we agree. You keep thinking that. I will. Me too. Good day, then. Good day, then, is right. Ta. Ta-ta. Hey, you did not pay for that beer! Boy, you can see everything from Mt Springfield ` the squidport, the old monorail... BART: The Play-Doh factory. BUZZER Crescent moon! Crescent moon! CLICKING Come on, Springfield. Sparkle for me, baby. That's it. Heads up! Ow! Bart, that's hot. I said, 'Heads up.' CRACKLING Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people badmouth you and focus on how you suck, but not me. To me, you're true-blue. Aw, thanks, big guy. Now dance, rummy! OK. (MUMBLES MELODY) Hiya, Moe. Well, if it isn't little Miss I'm-not-wasting-my-life-any-more ` which he is. Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last 20 years. No, that's OK, Barn. No, it's not OK. This is a Channel Six news bulletin. Fire has broken out on Mt Springfield, trapping two youngsters and their camera. Oh no! That's Bart and Lisa! Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, Fireball and Mudflap. I caught up with Burt on the set. So, Burt, tell us a little about Fireball and Mudflap. Well, I play Jerry Fireball Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice who's searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage. Barney, you got to fly us up there and save my kids! I can't. I've never flown solo. Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges? FLAMES CRACKLE Where you going? The fire's that way! I know, I know! I haven't learned right turns yet. Aah! Look out! (SCREAMS) CARS HONK TYRES SCREECH I can't do this. My nerves are shot. TYRES SCREECH CLATTERING Beer! That's what I need! Barney, no, don't! Yes, I need it! (MOANS) No! You've got to be sober for this. Give me that! Ew, it's warm. You can't drink them all! Oh, yes, I can. BOTH GRUNT Give me that! TOPS POP (GULPS) I won't let you give up now when you've worked so hard... (SLURS) to be the greatest pal in the world. I love you. Let's not lose touch after graduation. (SNORES) You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me. Stay away from my wife! (GROANS) Looks like it's up to me. BOTH PANT We should be safe up here. I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees. Ow! Dad! Hi, kids! (LAUGHS) Hang on! I'll throw you a ladder! SHRIEKS: Get off! Get off! THUD! BOTH WHIMPER Dad, help! All right, I'm coming! Whoa! (SCREAMS) Let me know if you're going to do that again, Homer. You did it, Dad. You can't prove I did it. No, you saved our lives. I could do a lot of things if I had some money. What? Now, there's a picture. Kids! The new phone books are here and your picture's on the cover! All right! Wow, cool! Let me see! BOTH SCREAM MARGE: Isn't it adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film. Aw, we'll be the laughing stock of the whole town. Well, at least we won the bike. Actually, I took the picture. So I gave my prize to the orphanage. What?! How could you?! Just kidding. I would never do that. Well, I'm glad we're friends again. Yeah. So what do you call this stuff? A double tall mocha latte. It's not bad. Well, it ain't beer. But at least I got that monkey off my back. Oh... (BELCHES) Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody. STEAM HISSES (LAUGHS EVILLY) (COUGHS) Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016