1 (BELL RINGS) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (PLAYS BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (TYRES SCREECH) (SCREAMS) HERE'S THE MAIL, DAD. THAT'LL BE THREE DOLLARS FOR ON-COUCH DELIVERY. AND THREE MAKES THREE. THIS ISN'T REAL MONEY. IT'S PRINTED BY THE MONTANA MILITIA. IT'LL BE REAL SOON ENOUGH. OOH, MY FIRST ISSUE OF 'SELF-TEST MONTHLY'. FINALLY I GET TO FIND OUT WHAT MAKES ME TICK. I'M BETTING IT'S HUNGER AND RAGE. YEAH, BUT IN WHAT RATIO? "ARE YOU A GOOD DRIVER?" YES. "ARE YOU A GOOD LOVER?" YES. OH, I'M DOING GREAT. DAD, THOSE ARE JUST THE NAMES OF THE QUIZZES. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO OPEN THE MAGAZINE. MY WAY IS EASIER. WHY DON'T YOU BE THE QUIZMASTER AND ASK OTHER PEOPLE THE QUESTIONS? QUIZMASTER, YES. THAT WOULD ENTERTAIN ME BRIEFLY. OK, FLANDERS, YOUR LOVE QUIZ SCORE IS... 61. THAT MAKES YOU A "FRIGID FRIEDA." I TOOK OFF 30 POINTS FOR ALL THAT CRYING YOU DID. (SNIFFLES) WELL, IT WAS A LITTLE INSENSITIVE GIVING ME A SEX TEST SEEING THAT MY WIFE JUST PASSED AWAY. NO WAY! WHEN?! SIX MONTHS AGO. YOU WERE AT THE FUNERAL. YOU FELL INTO THE GRAVE. (CHUCKLES) OH, YEAH. I SAW A GOPHER. WHAT A DAY. LAST QUESTION: "WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE BACKSTREET BOY?" OH, THE LITTLE RAT-FACED ONE. NO, NO, NO. NICK. HE'S SO GOOD TO HIS MOTHER. ACCORDING TO THIS, YOU'RE BOTH IDIOTS. HEY, THANKS. WHAT DO WE OWE YOU? OK, "THERE'S A BLACK WIDOW AT YOUR DOOR "A RATTLESNAKE AT THE WINDOW AND A SCORPION ON THE PHONE. DO YOU A: NONE OF THE BELOW, B:..." HOMIE, FOR GOD'S SAKES, IT'S 2:00 A.M. FINE. I'LL TAKE THE NEXT QUIZ. "HOW LONG WILL YOU LIVE? "IN AN AVERAGE WEEK HOW MANY BRAISED RIBS DO YOU EAT?" MARGE, DO YOU THINK THAT COUNTS HONEY-BRAISED? I DON'T KNOW. I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! OK... NON-SMOKER-- ADD EIGHT YEARS. SO ACCORDING TO THIS, I'LL LIVE TO BE... FORTY-TWO?! OH, THAT'S HORRIBLE! I WON'T EVEN LIVE TO SEE MY CHILDREN DIE. (SOBS) NOW WHAT'S WRONG? I'VE ONLY GOT THREE MORE YEARS TO LIVE. MAYBE YOU ADDED IT WRONG. LET ME HAVE IT. (MUMBLES) SEE? AND THESE QUIZZES ARE NEVER WRONG, MARGE. THEY'RE PUT TOGETHER BY THE FINEST SCIENTISTS IN THE MAGAZINE BUSINESS. OH, HONEY, DON'T PANIC. IF YOU JUST MADE A FEW LIFESTYLE CHANGES... NO! CAN'T SLEEP. GOING TO DIE. CAN'T SLEEP. WE'RE BACK WITH LEGENDARY PRODUCER ROBERT EVANS. NOW BEFORE YOU DID 'THE GODFATHER' THERE WAS 'LOVE STORY' TELL US ABOUT THAT. AH, 'LOVE STORY'. THE LITTLE PICTURE THAT COULD. WAS PARAMOUNT CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO MAKE IT? YOU BETTER BELIEVE THEY WEREN'T. BUT ONCE THAT TEAR-JERKER HIT JOHN Q. POPCORN IT WAS BOFFO, BOO-HOO BOX OFFICE ALL THE WAY. AND THE CRITICS LOVED IT, TOO. I REMEMBER VINCENT CANBY SAID... I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, HOMER. (SHRIEKS) HEY, WHAT'S ALL THE SCREAMING? SOME OF US HAVE GRAMMAR SCHOOL IN THE MORNING, YOU KNOW. MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR, HOMIE. A HEAD DOCTOR. I'M NOT CRAZY. IT'S THE TV THAT'S CRAZY! AREN'T YOU, TV? THE CRISIS? CHARLIE BLUDORN'S BIRTHDAY. THE SOLUTION? A SNAPPY BANNER. OUT COMES THE PHONE, IN FLIES BOBBY TOWNE AND SIX DRAFTS LATER, I HAD MYSELF A PARTY. YOU SEE? GIBBERISH. ALL GIBBERISH. SO TELL ME, ARE ALL YOU GOVERNMENT INSPECTORS SO HANDSOME AND STRAPPING? WELL, WE'VE GOT A SOLOFLEX DOWN AT H.Q. ANYWAY, EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT, MR. BURNS. I CAN'T FIND A SINGLE VIOLATION OR EMPLOYEE ACTING STRANGELY. YOU GOT TO HIDE ME! DEATH IS AFTER ME! AND I DON'T ENTIRELY TRUST THESE COWBOYS. IS THIS MAN AN EMPLOYEE? OH, OF COURSE NOT. HE'S JUST... A HARMLESS MANIAC HERE TO REMIND US OF THE PRECIOUS GIFT OF SANITY. (SPUTTERS) OH, GOD, WHAT'S HE DOING? THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. A MOTHER CAN'T DIE. AND I'M A MOTHER, SEE? YOU HATE YOUR FATHER, DON'T YOU? SOMETIMES. BUT THE GUY I REALLY HATE IS YOUR FATHER. I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT THAT UP. I WAS JUST VENTING. ANYHOO, I THINK YOUR FEAR OF DEATH IS CAUSING YOUR INSOMNIA WHICH IS PROVOKING YOUR ERRATIC BEHAVIOUR. WHY ISN'T MY BABY GAINING WEIGHT? BECAUSE IT'S MADE OF PLASTIC. I SEE. WHAT YOU NEED IS A GOOD, LONG REST. I SUGGEST FLORIDA. FLORIDA? BUT THAT'S AMERICA'S WANG. THEY PREFER "THE SUNSHINE STATE." MOM, BART'S SITTING NEXT TO ME. MOM, LISA'S GROWING. QUIET, YOU TWO. YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER'S HAD A BREAKDOWN. MY POCKETS HURT. OK, WE'RE ALMOST TO PALM CORNERS. THERE'LL BE NOTHING TO DO BUT LIE ON THE BEACH AND RELAX. (CHANTS) SPRING BREAK, SPRING BREAK, SPRING BREAK... OH, NO. WE CAME DURING SPRING BREAK. (GASPS) THIS LOOKS LIKE A TERRIBLE PLACE TO RELAX. WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU TO A... (GASPS) (YAWNS) WELL... (YAWNS) ENJOY YOUR SIGHTSEEING. I PROMISE I WON'T LEAVE THIS BED. I TRUST YOU, HONEY. SWEET DREAMS. UH, COULD YOU JUST SHUT OFF THE` PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY? NOW, THIS IS LIVING. WHOO! SEPULVEDA HERE DOING A VEEJAY THING FOR THE MOST OUT-OF-CONTROL SPRING BREAK EVER! AND SINCE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, WE'LL PARTY EXTRA HARD. (BEEPS) NO. NOT YET. I'M ONLY 25. WHAT UP, CHEW TOYS? CIENEGA HERE, TIGHTENING THE HOSE CLAMPS FOR YOU BAD GIRLS. WE GOT KID ROCK COMING UP FOR ALL YOU MOSH MONKEYS. WOO! I LIKE MUSIC! YO, YO, STRAIGHT OUT OF DETROIT, Y'ALL. IT'S THE J-O-E TO THE C. LET'S ROCK THE PARTY WITH KID ROCK. OH, NO. IT'S A LOST CHILD. DON'T WORRY, FOLKS-- I'LL TACKLE HIM. YO, ROCK, TELL SPRING BREAK WHAT YOUR NAME IS. MY NAME IS KI...D ROCK! # BAWIT DABA, BANANA FANA # # OOGA CHUCKA, FA WITH THE FALUN GONGA # # PA TEE DANA MANA ONGA... # AND IF YOU LOOK TO YOUR LEFT YOU'LL SEE ANOTHER ENDLESS STRETCH OF STAGNANT WATER. OH, WELL, LOOK WHO TURNED OUT TO GREET US, FOLKS. IT'S OUR TOWN'S MOST FAMOUS RESIDENT, CAPTAIN JACK. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT GATOR. IS HE A MAN-EATER? ONLY CONVICTS AND HOBOS. DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBO CHUNKS WE COULD THROW TO HIM? 'FRAID NOT. NOW, YEARS AGO CAPTAIN JACK HELPED BUILD PALM CORNERS BY DRAGGING STICKS AND STONES FROM THE SWAMPS. LEGEND HAS IT, HE DESIGNED THE TOWN FLAG. SAY HELLO, CAPTAIN JACK. AH. HE CAN CRAWL UP THROUGH MY TOILET ANY DAY. (RAUCOUS CHEERS) THANK YOU! IT'S THE PIMP OF THE NATION, KID ROCK TEARIN' IT UP AT SPRING BREAK, Y'ALL. NOW, WHAT WE'D LIKE TO DO NEXT IS BRING IT DOWN FOR A MINUTE. BRING ON THE RAPPIN' GRANNY! WHAT? SHE'S HILARIOUS. YOU KNOW, A LOT OF MY HOMIES DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE PARTY AND WE'RE GONNA GIVE PROPS TO THE FALLEN BY POURIN' A 40 ON THE CURB. (REVERENT MURMURING) BUT THIS AIN'T NO 40-OUNCE CURB. SO WE'RE GOING TO NEED 40 GALLONS, Y'ALL. (CHEERS) ALL FOR HOMER. ALL FOR HOMER. WHAT THE...? HEY, WHO'S THAT FOOL? YO, LET'S WASTE THAT. MOI? SON OF A... # WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL. # UH-OH. WE'LL GIVE THAT PUNK A JOE C. SECTION. LET'S DO THIS THING. ALL RIGHT NOW, BOYS, THAT'S ENOUGH. KID ROCK, THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU AND JOE C., WOULD YOUR MAMA WANT YOU STRETCHING OUT THAT SWEATSHIRT LIKE THAT? NO, SIR. PLEASE DON'T TELL MAMA. THEY CALLED YOU A PIG, SHERIFF. WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY CALL ME AS LONG AS THEY PLAY "FISTS OF RAGE." THAT'S A GOOD SONG. I HOPE HE DIDN'T CAUSE TOO MUCH TROUBLE, SHERIFF. OH, BOYS WILL BE BOYS. I RECKON HE WAS JUST BLOWING OFF A LITTLE STEAM. (LAUGHS) DOESN'T HE TALK FUNNY? MY INSOMNIA. IT'S GONE. CHECK IT OUT, MARGE. I'M SANE AGAIN AND I OWE IT ALL TO... SPRING BREAK!! WHOO! I'M AN ANIMAL! HEY, WHERE IS EVERYBODY? SPRING BREAK IS OVER. IT'S TIME TO GET BACK TO OUR STUDIES. THE WORLD LOOKS TO US, THE COLLEGE STUDENTS, FOR LEADERSHIP. FINE. BE NERDS. I'LL FIND SOME PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF THE WORDS PAR-TAY. # LOUIE LOUIE # # OH, NO, WE GOTTA GO. # # WE BUILT THIS CITY # # THIS KICK-ASS CITY # # WHAT KIND OF MUSIC BUILT THIS CITY? # # ROCK AND ROLL. # DAD, LOOK OUT! # LOOK OUT FOR WHAT? # # THE GIANT GATOR # # THE GIANT... # OH, NO. (SIREN WAILS) YOU KILLED CAPTAIN JACK. YOU IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE, SON. YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST. (SHRIEKS) OK, I'LL GO QUIETLY. DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO HANDCUFF THE CHILDREN? NO, MA'AM, I DID NOT. YOU SEEMED SO UNDERSTANDING BEFORE. WHAT HAPPENED TO "BOYS WILL BE BOYS"? YOU SEE, DURING SPRING BREAK THE BEER COMPANIES PAY ME TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY. THE REST OF THE YEAR I'M A REAL HARDASS. OK, SWEET PEA, YOU'RE NEXT. WHOA, LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A TEENY HOUDINI HERE. (ALL LAUGH) WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY, DARLIN'. I GOT SOME BABY CUFFS IN THE STATION. LOOK. THIS IS OUR CHANCE. LET'S GO. YOU CAN'T DRIVE, DAD. HE'S GOT YOUR LICENCE. I'M GOING TO TRY ANYWAY. IT WORKED. IT'S A MIRACLE. AH, DANG IT. NOW, WHY DOES THAT ONLY HAPPEN WHEN NOBODY'S LOOKING? (SIREN WAILS) PULL OVER! THERE'S NO GOOD PLACE! THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD PLACES. WHAT ABOUT OVER THERE? NO SHADE! . A DINER? IT'S PERFECT. WE CAN HIDE OUT HERE UNTIL THE HEAT'S OFF. YOU TOOK THE SIGNS OUT OF THE WINDOW? THAT'S PRETTY PRESUMPTUOUS. HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO HIRE YOU? SORRY. I JUST WANT TO BE A BROOM BOY SO BAD. I LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE. YOU'RE HIRED. HOW ABOUT YOU, MISSY? YOU WANT TO BE A MOP GIRL? NOT REALLY. NO. I LIKE YOUR HONESTY. YOU'RE HIRED. AND YOU TWO HAVEN'T SAID A WORD. I LIKE THAT. YOU'RE HIRED. WOO-HOO! HEY, KEEP IT DOWN. Y'ALL CAN STAY IN THIS TRAILER. NOW, IT AIN'T BUCKINGHAM PALACE... OHH...! BUT I RAISED EIGHT YOUNG 'UNS THREE CHILLUNS AND A BABY HERE. OH, IT'S SO COSY. YOU'RE INSINCERE. I LIKE THAT. CAN I TOP YOU OFF, HON? NO, THANKS. MORE HASH BROWNS, SUGAR? NO, I'M GOOD. Announcer: This just in: Authorities in Six-Toe County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives. They're charged with gatorcide and defrauding an Amtrak snack bar. TROUBLE WITH THE LAW, HUH? WELL, I'M NOT ONE TO JUDGE. THE WAY I SEE IT, WE'RE ALL SINNERS, AND... (HUMS) Y'ALL JUST LIE LOW HERE. YOU'LL BE SAFE WITH OL' VELMA. (HUMS) STOP THAT! BUT I WAS JUST... SCAT! GOING TO TRY TO... GO ON NOW! KNOCK YOU OUT. JUST QUIT. # JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I DON'T CARE # # JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I'M NOT THERE # # WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK 'N' ROLL # # SOMETHING SOMETHING DAY. # WOW! LOOK AT ALL THE STARS YOU CAN SEE HERE. THOSE NOXIOUS GASSES FROM THE SWAMP MUST MAGNIFY THEM. I'M GETTING USED TO THIS COUNTRY LIFE. TEACHER SAYS I'M WHITTLING AT A TENTH-GRADE LEVEL. AND Y'ALL HARDLY EVER BICKER ANY MORE. TOO HOT TO BICKER, I RECKON. YOU KNOW, KILLING THAT GATOR WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. GOT THAT RIGHT. DARN TOOTIN'. BOY, HOWDY. YEP, THIS PLACE IS GREAT. SOMEDAY, WHEN LISA AND BART GET MARRIED IT'LL ALL BE THEIRS. YUCK! YUCK! YOU MEAN WHEN THEY MARRY OTHER PEOPLE? OK, BUT I AIN'T PAYING FOR TWO WEDDINGS. (ALL SNORE) (CAR ENGINE STARTS) HEY, WAKE UP! WE'RE MOVING. YOU JUST RELAX. I'LL HAVE YOU IN JAIL BY SUPPERTIME. YOU'D BETTER. HEY, YOU'RE STEALING MY TRAILER! I LIKE THAT. WELL, FIRST UP IS THE STATE OF FLORIDA v. THE SIMPSON FAMILY. YOUR HONOUR, I'D LIKE TO REPRESENT MYSELF. DRUNKEN HICKS OF THE JURY... (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) AFTERNOON, FOLKS. GOT A NEW ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU. THE JUDGE IS HAVING A LITTLE SOIREE AND HE NEEDS SOME HELP. (PLAYS BEAUTIFULLY) OK, BART, I'LL SWEET-TALK THE SHERIFF WHILE YOU GRAB HIS KEYS. WHAT SHOULD I DO? RESTOCK THE POSSUM BAR. WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF CLAWS. MY GOODNESS! WHAT A LOVELY SUIT, SHERIFF! IS THAT SEERSUCKER? NAH. NOT ON A CIVIL SERVANT'S SALARY. IT'S NEARSUCKER. WELL, THE FABRIC REALLY BRINGS OUT THE RED IN YOUR NECK. YEAH? IT'S COMING ALONG, HUH? YOU SHOULD SEE IT IN AUGUST AFTER THE HORSEFLIES BEEN GETTIN' AT IT. HOO, MAN! DANG, I WISH I COULD, BUT IN AUGUST OUR CHAIN GANG HAS TO DIG FOR TAR. WELL, NOW, I MIGHT COULD SWITCH YOU TO DEAD ANIMAL PICKUP. HEY! RUN! (APPLAUSE) NICE TRY. I GUESS WE JUST HAVEN'T BEEN WHIPPING YOU ENOUGH. SAKES ALIVE! OUR BELOVED CAPTAIN JACK ISN'T DEAD AFTER ALL! (EXCITED MURMURS) WELL, DON'T THAT BEAT ALL! I GUESS YOU FOLKS JUST STUNNED HIM. THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU. WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU FOLKS ARE FREE TO GO. BUT DON'T YOU SET FOOT IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA AGAIN. FINE. THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER STATES THAT ARE HAPPY TO HAVE US. WELL, WE'RE STILL WELCOME IN NORTH DAKOTA AND ARIZONA. ARIZONA SMELLS FUNNY. NORTH DAKOTA, HERE WE COME! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE MOUNT RUSHMORE. THAT'S SOUTH DAKOTA. OH. Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016