1 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYING THE BLUES) (HONKING HORN) TYRES SCREECH Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Able 2016 The Cyborganizer ` a high-tech Robocop created for one purpose only-- to help the NYPD Tackle its tedious paperwork. Good work, Cyborganizer. I can streamline any procedure except this thing you call "love." Aw... poor Cyborganizer. Homer, sitting that close to the TV can't be good for you. Talking while the TV's on can't be good for YOU. You should get your eyes checked. I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies. Why don't you come along? Nah, I want to enjoy the show before the network retools it. How can I organise this modelling agency and still be a good single father? I love you, Daddy. Aw! Too late! We need something quick. My husband's eyes are really shot. Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie. Whee! Touch the sky! Dad, I've got Maggie. Who said that? (MUTTERS ANGRILY) Come on, Bart. While your dad gets his glasses, we'll go shop for your trip. Oh, I hate shopping. Just get me a deck of cards and I'll win whatever I need from the other kids. But you need to try things on. Every brand has a different idea of husky. I'm in tantrum position. "T" minus five, four, three... remembering dead cat for real tears. (CRYING) Fine. You win. I'll do your shopping for you. Tantrum averted. But now I can't forget the cat. OK, let's get started. (SNORING) Hey, wake up! Sorry. Now, read the first line. "I"... "eight"... "p-p." (GIGGLING) You little...! (GRUNTING) (GASPING) You! WOMAN: Better, or worse? Worse! Better, or worse? Much better! (CHOKING) Dad! That pair's popular with celebrities like Val Kilmer. Ooh, my favourite Door. And Yoko Ono. Ew! She ruined the Plastic Ono Band. Maybe you're a candidate for laser eye surgery. Will it get me out of choosing glasses? Well, yes, but I must warn you it's an experimental procedure and we still don't know the long-term effects. Less yappin', more zappin'! Well, looks like we got everything for Bart's camping trip. Blair Witch repellent, antler saw and deep woods scrabble. Ooh, Tango de la Muerte! I've been dying to see that movie. It got rave reviews from both the Entertainment Radio Network and the Radio Entertainment Network. Let's go. ZAPPING Wait. You've got to use these drops. They prevent your eyes from crusting over. Here we go with the add-ons. No, thanks. Now that my severed foot has been reattached I must win back the coveted dance title... Locolegs! As your wise but alcoholic dance coach I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling. Oh, there he is. I must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest. Hmm... (GRUNTS) Hmm... (GRUNTS) No. Oh, he'll never dance with her. She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse. I demand to know your name. My name is Lisabella. (GASPING) That's my name with "bella" on the end of it. Ask her. Oh God, please, ask her to dance. I shall dance... with her. (GRUNTS) Once again, I must sugar my own churro. But I am just a simple librarian. I've only read about dancing in books. (CHUCKLES) I will show you something that is in no book. (GASPING) She's not plain. She's beautiful. There is just one dance that will beat them-- the Tango de la Muerte. (GASPING) Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance and he is dead. My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live... in his apartment. TANGO PLAYING APPLAUSE You are now carrying my child. But how? It is the mystery of the dance. Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer. That's wonderful, honey. We should ask your father, though. Where is he, anyway? IMITATING MARGE: Now, Homey, when we get to the liquor store buy me some Jack Daniels and a carton of smokes. Yes, dear. (SNICKERING) 1 METAL SQUEALING MARGE: Oh! I remember Little Vicki Valentine. Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression. Well, I think World War II helped a little, Mom. Don't smart-mouth, Lisa. A great big sunshine hello to you. Hi, Little Vicki. (CHUCKLES) That was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now. All right. I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki. "Little Vicki." But you just said... So, what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom... Ow! You stepped on my toes again! If you would just let me lead... You're not a leader, Seymour. Never have been, never will be. There's square-dancing... # Oh, the birdie in the cage, odd lady in the centre # Now the birdie is purty and the crows hop in # Pluck the feather all together Hell-bent for leather... # Or there's the dance that made me ever so famous-- tap. TAPPING But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life like the Tango de la Muerte. Oh, bless your heart. Let's get you some tap shoes. Uh, Little Vicki I really think she had her heart set on... A little advice-- don't live through your child. OK. Camp is going to be great. Seven days without parents, homework or ear medicine. Yes, sir. This is going to be the best week of our young lives. I'm going to pound you two all week. Oh, what'd we do? Nothing. But I got to pound somebody. Now where do we go? Well, I don't want to go home. My grandma's sleeping in my bed and she has skin like a basketball. Wait a minute. Everybody thinks we're at camp this week. We can stay wherever we want! Yeah! Like the Four Seasons! Each room has its own safe. I've got a better place. The mall?! Yeah. It's just like my dad always says: For an evening or a week there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion the mall has it all. What? What did he say? Now the key to great dancing is one word: tapa-tapa-tapa. Tapa-tapa-tapa. Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people. Good. Good. Wait a minute, somebody's off the beat. Let me hear you two. OK, now you. Whoa, whoa, whoa! (LAUGHING) Children, stop it! For all you know, she has a medical condition. Nope. I see. This is WAY better than camp. No mosquitoes, no stupid camp songs... # If you're happy and you know it, shop at Stan's # Giant discounts on your favourite major brands... # Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closed. OK, folks, you heard the recording-- clear out. Quick! Up here! (BOTH GRUNTING) Where are we going? Quiet. Just keep scurrying. - Whoa! - Whoa! Worms! Gold! Wait. This is just chocolate. Chocolate! And these are gummi worms! Gummi! Warheads, jelly bellies-- we're like two kids in a candy store! - Yes! - Yes! Flavour's gone. Flavour's gone. Shoe fight! Ow! No golf shoes! Ready, Milhouse? Gimme a sec. Ready? Jump! - Whoa! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We're lumberjacks! Look at this place! How could this happen? Candy chewed, wigs pulled from stands cheese packages poked and re-poked. Every sign points to one obvious culprit: a giant rat. You'll have to shut down the mall. On Presidents' Day weekend? Are you crazy? Crazy with concern for the public, yes. Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk. (FEEBLE MOANING) Open... Tapa-tapa-tapa. Tapa-tapa-tapa. Oh, whoa! Whoa! Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm going to move over there. OK, from tapa-tapa-tapa. Whoop... oh! (MOANING) Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh... let's take five. What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki? Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that. Yeah, well, no offence but maybe I need a little more instruction than just tapa-tapa-tapa. What? Back when I was YOUR age I had 43 movies under my belt and I had to do it WITHOUT tapa-tapa-tapa. I would've killed for tapa-tapa-tapa. Sorry. I'm just frustrated. Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude. You've just got to turn that frown upside down. That's a smile, not an upside-down frown! Work on that, too. Hey, we got a postcard from Bart. "Dear Mom and Homer I'm having fun." Aw, it sounds like he's having fun. Why does it have a picture of Vitamin Barn? Didn't you ever go to camp? The old Vitamin Barn. There's our Broadway baby! (GROANS) Hey, dig that crazy rhythm! I'm just walking. Listen, I know I said I wanted to be a dancer but... And you will be a dancer. Look at you, all sugar and spice instead of equations and test tubes. Your daddy's precious dancing queen. And you look adorable! (GROANS) Now, honey, what were you trying to say before we kept interrupting with our loving proudness? Yes, our tiny tapper. What was it you were going to say after "I wanted to be a dancer, but..."? But I just... need more practice. See ya! TAPPING Oh, what's that awful sound? The furnace? It's me! - Aw. - Aw. 1 Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki? Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki? My kitty cat's sick and I'd be ever so sad if she should die. (COUGHING) Well, I'm no animal doctor, or nothing but whenever I'm feeling poorly you know what fixes me up? Dancin'! Dancin'? Dancin'. But I don't know how to dance. Oh, I'll show you how. There! Now you're gettin' it. Look at me, Powder Puff! I'm dancin'! (SIGHS) That cat dances better than I do. WIGGUM: We'll catch that mall rat. Sure hope this Acme kit works. Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits? I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one. I like those odds. Ah! (BOTH SNICKERING) The mistake was grabbing the cheese. (HUMMING) Professor Frink, will that spaceship be ready for the recital? I have visited the future, and yes, it will. OK, kids, tonight's the big night. Now, remember, the important thing is to just dance flawlessly. LISA: Excuse me. Why isn't my name in the programme? It is, silly. You've got the most important part of all. "Curtain puller"? No one can see the show if the curtain isn't open. Bu... my parents are counting on seeing me dance and I've worked EVER so hard. I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class? ALL: Communism! That's right. And I didn't tap all those morse-code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood just to roll out the welcome mat for the reds. (SIGHS) All right. I'll be the stupid curtain puller. (GRUNTS) Smoothly. Pull-a, pull-a, pull-a. (GRUMBLING) I got your "pull-a, pull-a, pull-a." Excuse me, Lisa, but I couldn't help but overhear your nerdly predicament. Maybe I can be of assistance with the dancing, and the twisting # and the kung fu fighting # Deedle-deedle- dee-dee-doo. # I first observed this technology at the airport gift shop. (CLICKING RHYTHMICALLY) As you see it responds to any percussive sound with an exuberant shaking of its groove-thing, yeah, yeah. It's most entertaining, but how does that help me? Observe. Ooh! That's brilliant, Professor. What will you think of next? Well, I also found this at the gift shop. Isn't it cute? I'm hoping to turn it into a weapon. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) It'll kill ya. I've got to go now. OK, Mr Rat, we've got a little playmate for you. (SNARLING) (CLANKS) - Should I get the back-up lion, Chief? Would you? (SNIFFING) (WHISPERING) Can you see the lion anywhere? - (SQUEAKS) - Well, do you see him or not? Are you saying he's right on the other side of that plant? (SQUEAKS) OK... run! (ROARS) (BOTH SCREAMING) This way! Oh, ho-ho. D-ohh! (LION GROWLING) (WHIMPERING) (ROARS) (PURRING) Bart, you're a genius! Oh! You OK, Milhouse? Nothing that a handful of gummy bears can't fix. (BOTH LAUGHING) Well, well, looks like that cat got the rat. And that's the end of that... tale. (BRUSHING HANDS OFF) Uh, Chief, should we try and get the mountain lion back in its crate? I repeat... OK, everyone we need big smiles out there so line up for dimpling. Now this may hurt a lot. What am I saying, "may"? (THUDDING) Ow! Ow! Now, that's a happy face. Little Vicki, I figured out how to dance. I can be in the show now. I can be in the show now. I'm sorry, Lisa. People go to a children's dance recital expecting a certain level of professionalism. But, but you don't understand. (GROANING) I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to Betsy! The star of the show is sick! Whatever will we do?! There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. - Lisa? - Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume. (SIGHS) Show time, children. Let's go. OK, curtain puller this is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important; I'll do it for you. (GRUMBLES) Lean, muscular children of Mars we bring you candy. (ALL GIGGLING) Let's walk over to them. Why walk when you can dance? (ALL RHYTHMICALLY TAPPING) Where's Lisa? Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is. ALL: # On the spaceship # Lollipop # Gingerbread men # like to do hip-hop # and chocolate chips # make a rockin' fuel for rocket ships # We just love to dance on Mars # where everything's made from candy bars... # There she is! Wow! Look at her go! Yeah, that pressure we put on her really paid off. What are you doing? I can't help it; it's the shoes. Nobody upstages Little Vicki. (HISSES) Oh... please stop. I'm just getting started! CHEERING AND WHISTLING Wha...! Whoa! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody give it up for my little girl! Stop clapping! You'll kill us all! (ALL SCREAMING) Lisa's gone berserk! Do something, Homer! Do something! Aah! Whoa! Whoa! Whaa! Uh-oh! Oh, thanks, Dad. I didn't think, I... just acted. Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so <BLEEP>. I'm sorry, Vicki. I just wanted to be a dancer SO badly. (SIGHS) I understand. We all do crazy things when we're desperate. I once destroyed Buddy Ebsen's credit rating. I once destroyed Buddy Ebsen's credit rating. Why? He knows why. Jesus, Mary and Glavin! These shoes are in the "off" position! You mean I danced all by myself? See, honey? All you needed was to believe in... What are you talking about, Professor Frink? They're clearly in the "on" position. See? "On." I was merely trying to spare the girl's feelings you insensitive clod. Oh... oh! Well, now that I look even closer... Forget it, Dad. Oh, I guess I'm never going to be your Broadway baby. That's not true, honey. You can always write a depressing Broadway play of some kind. You think so? Sure. It could be a story about people coming to terms with things. Hey, yeah. You could load it up with lots of swears. That's what David Mamet does. Ah, I love you guys. Uh-oh! It's out of its matrix! Nobody move! Why, it's just a cute little weasel. COOING: Hello, there, Mr Weasel... LOUD BEEPING HOMER SCREAMING I'm down! Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Shh. Tapa-tapa-tapa.