1 (glass breaking) (Squeak E. Clean: Corona (Jackass opera mix)) (woman singing in foreign language) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 (singing in foreign language continues) 1 1 (vocalising) (vocalising continues) Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville! Welcome to Jackass. (Twisted Sister: The Kids Are Back) # We walk the streets # In tattered armies # We got the lion in our heart # We're not lookin' for trouble # Just for some fun # But we're all ready if you wanna start # So just remember the The kids are back # The kids are back # Oh, watch out The kids are back # Well, can you blame us # for living our dreams? # Just look around and you'll see why # We don't want to follow that same routine # Maybe it's for nothin' but we gotta try # So just remember the The kids are back # The kids are back # Oh, watch out The kids are back # So just remember the The kids are back # The kids are back # Oh, watch out The kids are back # The kids are back # The kids are back # My name is Johnny Knoxville, and this is The High Five. (laughter) Oh, my goodness. Good morning! There? All right. Oh, no. - Yeah, Dunn. What up, brother? - What's up, nerd? - Whassup, dude? - What's up, nerd? (laughter) Dude, you played it off so good. He said, "Hey, what's up, Dunn?" Johnny: Reset, reset. (whispering) Ehren's walking in, and we're gonna have him bring in a whole tray full of soup. - How you doing, guys? - (Wee Man) Pop it in there. - (man) He's not gonna do it. - (Johnny) What? (man) I don't think he's gonna go for it. - What up, Ehren? - What's up, dude? (Wee Man) Help us crowd, brother. - (laughter) - (Johnny) He fell for it! He fell for the soup! Welcome back, ladies. You got me. Oh, my God! Look at the tray! It broke in half, dude! - You can hug me for that. - The tray broke. I can't believe he fell for it. "Can you bring the soup in?" "We need you to bring this tray of soup into the kitchen." This is all flour for our friend, Bam. We're gonna antique him when he gets here. - (Dave) Oh, okay. - (Ryan) He's walking in. - (Wee Man) What's up? - What up? Not much. How you been? High five! (laughter) That was the best one so far! - Oh, my God! - You guys kicked my fucking ass. He got antiqued! (Bam) I was so not ready for that. (Ryan) Dude, that was so good. You went flying. - Good morning, man. - Morning, Bam! Howdy. Goddamn! Not too many people knew us back in our college days, but, man, we were wild! I mean, we were having wet T-shirt contests, bitchin' summers, body shots... ...cornholin'... And Johnny Knoxville, the king of spring break! (all) Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! (screaming) I'm Johnny Knoxville. This is The Jet Ski. - (cheering) - (laughter) (man) Dude! - Holy shit! - (cheering) (Wee Man) You just barely clipped the top. He totally landed it. - How far did I go? - You went far, man. (Bam) I was scared, man. I've seen a lot of crazy shit during spring break, and that took the cake, man. I didn't exactly stick the fuckin' landing. - No. I think you did. - Yeah, you did! The king of spring break! (men) Yeah! Yeah! (cheering) Shit. Dude, I knew we shouldn't have done this at my fuckin' dad's house. He's already pissed about me fuckin' skipping school. He's gonna cut me off. That's coming out of my allowance. I'm Steve-O... Oh, fuck! Why do I have to be Steve-O? - (Bam) It'll be so quick. - (Johnny) Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it. I'm Steve-O... ...and this is Tee Ball. (all shouting) That was a direct ding-ding hit. It's only getting worse and worse. You're the best fielder I ever saw, Steve-O. Great job. Hey, great job. Right down the middle. Line drive. I'm Dave England, and this is the Bungee Boogie. Go. # I drove my bicycle past your window last night That was thrilling. - (Dave) What the fuck? - Let's try it again! Let go. # It almost seems like you're avoiding me Shit! Ow! # I'm OK alone but you got something I need - You OK, dude? - Yeah, super good. # Well, I got a brand-new pair of roller skates # You got a brand-new key # I think that we should get together - (Bam) Ready? - OK. # And try them out to see # I been looking around a while You got something for me My lip. # Oh, I got a brand-new pair of roller skates # You got a brand-new key # I ride my bike I roller-skate # Don't drive no car # Don't go too fast but I go pretty far # For somebody who don't drive I been all around the world - Here we go. - Tell us when. - Go ahead. - Step... go! # Oh, yeah, yeah (all exclaim) That was actually pretty impressive. I mean, it wasn't a slam, but it was still pretty impressive. Um... But this is really impressive. - Ready? - This seems dangerous. And go! - (screams) - # But you weren't alone # # Sometimes I think that you're avoiding me Fuck the helmet, give me a back brace. Man, you ate shit! - Well, that worked. - I thought you had that. And go! # I think that we should get together # And try them out to see (vocalising) (man) Hey! There goes the pool! (laughter) # Oh, I got a brand-new pair of roller skates # You got a brand-new key # (Wee Man) Impressive. That was awesome. ...start to see me on TV... (Rocky theme plays) (Rocky theme continues) (man) How many bees are we working with here today? (man2) Each hive, probably anywhere from ten to 50,000 bees. They are Africanized, so they will be a little bit more testy. What do you think the chances are of these guys getting stung today? They're gonna get stung. There's no doubt in my mind. When you hit a ball full of bees, you're gonna get stung. How many bee stings do you think we can take? I think it takes about a hundred to kill a man. - What?! - There's 50,000 bees in there. Did you just make that up, please? - Manny I don't think I made it up. - What?! (man) There's 50,000 per hive. 50,000 and it takes 100 to kill a man? I think it's about a hundred bees can kill you, if I'm not mistaken. - What are we doing here? - (man) Making a hit movie. (man2) Go for 99 and then take off. (bees buzzing) (Dave) That's gotta piss 'em off too, right, - just being poured in there? - (Manny) Oh, maybe. I'm starting to think that maybe this wasn't that good of an idea. It seemed good on paper. (Manny) Look at this. This is gonna be gnarly now, man. - Come on, go. Let's go. - Whoa. No, I'm getting hit. - Oh, shit. - Come on, Manny. (screaming) Go on! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Fucking do it! Got a butt-ton of bees! My two sexy players, this is Beehive Tetherball! Game on! Game on! (all screaming) Oh, fucking shit! I can't do it anymore! Shit! Fuck! Goddamn it! Fuck! Oh, shit! He's gonna win! - Steve-O! - Fuck! - (Dave) Shit! Oh, fuck! - (man) Stay with Dave. Go with Dave. (Manny) Loomis, come retrieve the ball. (moaning) Oh, fuck! Oh dude, it fucking hurts! Oh, my God! Oh, fuck! Please put me somewhere where there's no bees! It's the carbon dioxide. Your body heated up, so they targeted you. - You took it really good, man. - I am so fucking hurt! You were running around on carbon dioxide. - Look at your eye. - (screaming) I gotta get rid of 'em! The thing is that Dave doesn't understand is that the more you freak out, the more you get stung. Idiot! (Wagner: The Ride of the Valkyries plays) (rumbling) (music continues) (plane engine roars) (music swells) (laughter) That felt like somebody was blowing a fireball in my face. It looked like you were just getting the hell beat out of you. You can't fucking breathe. (Cock Sparrer: I Got Your Number) # It can't be right what I'm reading here # No one believes in all this stuff no more # Our ideas don't see eye to eye # You get your press with a pocketful of lies # Telling everybody every word is true # One day soon... Waiter? Can I get some cream for my coffee? (shouts) # I got your number # You can fool some people some part of the time # I got your number # I ain't ever gonna tow that particular party line # You think you're so special # But you're only fooling # Tell your lies to anyone but me #' Cause I can see through you # I got your number # You can fool some people some part of the time # I got your number # I ain't ever gonna tow that particular party line # Listen to me # I got your number, got your number # You can fool some people some part of the time # Well, I got your number # I ain't ever gonna tow that particular party line # (laughter) That's the story of Jackass right there. Just pissing in the wind. (LAUGHS) 1 Hey, buddy, would you mind watching my dog for a second while I run in there? Thanks. I'll be right back. Thank you, buddy. Thanks, bud. Thank you very much for watching my dog. My name is Johnny Knoxville, and this is Roller Buffalo. # You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd # You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd # You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd # But you can be happy if you've a mind to # All ya gotta do is put your mind to it # Knuckle down, buckle down do it, do it, do it # Well, you can't roller skate in a buffalo herd # Can't roller skate in a buffalo herd # You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd # But you can be happy if you've a mind to # (all shouting) You're the man! (indistinct chattering) We're not worthy. (Loomis) It's a good day to die! (Johnny) Oh, man. Let me get over here. - What'd it feel like? - It felt like shit. It felt like I got run over by a buffalo. (country music plays, people chatter) Don't say anything. - What would your flavours be? - Two Budweisers. What do I owe you? (bartender) Six-fifty, please. - Keep the change. - Thank you, dear. - Cheers. Boop! - Cheers. (woman) So what's the plan? (Wee Man) I don't know. Go down to the beach or something... hit the water. (woman) You tried it? (man) Tara! What the fuck are you doing? (chatter continues) What the fuck?! - Who the fuck are you? - Who are you? I'm her frickin' boyfriend, asshole! That's cool, bud. I'm her man-friend. Dude, don't push me. Don't push me. I'm not even touching you. You know what? Fuck both of you! Fuck both of you! (bartender) Calm down now. So... He and I are taking a break and... (chatter continues) Right in here. Right in here. Fuck you! I told you to get the fuck away! - Don't push him, man! - Stop! Stop! Stop! Get your ass down! (all shout, clamour) Get him, Pop! Get him, Poppy! - (indistinct shouting) - Get his ass down! Get off of him! Stop! Police! Get on the fucking ground! Get on the ground! Freeze! Everybody up against the wall! - Up against the wall! - Get the fuck off me! What the fuck are you doing?! Get him up. Get him up! - Let's go, babe! - Fucking get off me! Code 54! Paramedic! Paramedic! Get the fuck off me! Get him off me! - Get the fuck off me! - Shut up! Shut up! Look at them two. (excited chatter) Big boy. Wait. He can walk? OK. What was that all about? What the hell was all that about? I don't know! A bunch of midgets come in and start fighting! - I don't know what happened. - That was wild! And the cops came in! I can't believe it. Little miniature cops. (Bam) Here comes Dunn. (snickers) (explosion) (laughter) No fucking way, dude! - (Johnny) Oh, my God. - (Ryan) Is there blue on me? I am so happy. - There's a lot of blue. - Dude, that thing goes! (electrical crackling) Fuck! (Bam) Dude, the sound of it is just fucking terrifying. This sucks. Oh, man. (Johnny) Its bark is worse than its bite, Ehren. Due to prison overpopulation, we're gonna give these boys here a chance to escape. This side represents incarceration, that side, freedom. This is Electric Avenue. (Eddy Grant: Electric Avenue) Johnny Each one of these stun guns has 950,000 volts. There's 15 of 'em hanging here, plus four cattle prods. (chuckling) Good luck, fellas! Go! - Go, go, go! - Fuck! Fuck, I'm gonna pass out, man. I'm gonna fucking pass out. Come on, come on, come on, come on. # And I can't blame all on the sun - Go, go, go! - (screaming) # We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue # And then we'll take it higher # # Oh, we gonna rock down to - Fuck, that sucked! # Electric Avenue - Fuck! # And then we'll take it higher # Oh, no # Oh, no - Sucks doody! # Oh, no # We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue # And then we'll take it higher # Oh! We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue # - (Jeff) How do you feel? - I changed my mind. Stun guns are the number one most thing that I hate now. Bulls are second, snakes are third. That sucked! Terribly. (blows whistle) I'm Preston Lacy here with pro kicker Josh Brown, and this is the Field Goal. (whistle blows) (grunts) Kick! Wow, that was a good kick. - Was that right in the puss? - (Preston) Right on the kisser. (groaning) Oh, fuck. Ow. My mouth. Fuck! (moaning) I love you, buddy. Thank you. Pro football star Josh Brown. I love you, buddy. Right here. Fucking A! - On the mouth. - You're a man. April, what kind of glue is this? - Super Mighty Glue. - This is Super Mighty Glue, and we're going to have a little fun with it today. Uh... Who's got tummy hair? Not me. - You have tummy hair? - I have a fraction. - (stuttering) - (Bam) That's definitely tummy hair. (Johnny) That's tummy hair. - (Johnny) You guys got tummy hair. - Now we're talking. Looks like we got cast for this bit. - Don't get it on his fingers. - You don't need a lot, they say. A dab'll do ya. (gasps) Oh, Knoxville, Jesus! No, I think this is gonna work. - All right. We ready? - (indistinct chatter) Ready, then? Oh, my God! Now. Oh, my God! Keep it on there. Keep it on. Keep it on there. (Bam) Dude, it's gonna take my skin off. (Johnny) You're gonna have hairy palms. (laughter) Wait. I kind of like it when Preston says... Ow! Fuck! - (laughter) - (Wee Man) It's not moving. What do you like Preston to say? (groaning) Get a little symphony going. (both shouting) # Preston! # Fuck! Dude, this is in. (Johnny) Should they pull it? We don't need anymore time, dude. It is in. You got at least 15 grams of soup. - Pull it! Pull it! - Really? - Three, two, one... - Skin's coming, I know it. Go, Bam! (all shouting, laughing) He's a werewolf! Werewolf! ...no, he's young. That is mingin'-ass Phil's. Preston's pretty gross, but that is disgusting! (laughter) Wow! You want to glue Wee Man to Preston? - Yes. - I should lay down, and you should lay down on top of me. - Woof. - Going right for it. Like this? - I think like this. - No. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. - A 69. - Glued into 69. I think that's the best way. Well, fucking lube him up or lube me up! - Let's go! - Where's the glue? -That's good. -OK, OK, OK! - Knoxville! - Sorry. Asshole! We're really bros now. You should see it from where I'm at. Oh, no. (all groaning) Hold it. Two minutes! Someone time it. Two minutes is the longest 69 I've ever fuckin' done! - How do you plan on un-69-ing? - I have no fucking idea. -I got an idea how to get him off. -(April) Slide them down the table, this way. - No! - What? No, don't... Nicely. Somebody go get me the stun gun. No! Yeah! Go get it! Get the stun gun! I'm pulling off! I'm pulling off! No! No! No! That's not fucking cool! No, no! (shouts indistinctly) (screaming) Fuck! Look at my fucking nipple! (groans) My fucking armpit kills! Phil, pull it off. - For real? Where, here? - Yeah. - What's this from? I can't do it. - (Ryan) Yank it off. - Ready, ready, ready... Argh! Stop that. I think that's it for Super Mighty Glue. Thank God none of us had that foreskin you were talking about. Does anyone have foreskin? Anybody. Now's the time to raise your hand. Yeah. 1 Three, two, one, go! (up-tempo music plays) (French music plays) (Black Eyed Peas: Boom Boom Pow) # Gotta get that # Gotta get that # Gotta get that # Gotta get that, that, that, that, that # Boom, boom, boom Gotta get-get # Boom, boom, boom Gotta get-get # Boom, boom, boom Gotta get-get # Boom, boom, boom Gotta get-get # Boom, boom, boom That boom boom boom Chicas. # Boom, boom, boom - (horn sounds) # Yo, I got that hit that beat the block - Sorry. I hit my wrong button. # I got that rock and roll That future flow # That digital spit Next-level visual shit # I got that boom, boom, boom # How the beat bang boom, boom, boom # I like that boom, boom, pow # Them chickens jackin' my style # They try to copy my swagger - Give me my leg! Help! # I'm on that next shit now - Give me my leg! # You so 2000 and late - That mutt's got my leg! Stop! Thief! - Hey! - Where you going? # Let me get it now # Boom, boom, boom Gotta get-get # Boom, boom, boom Gotta get-get # Boom, boom, boom Gotta get-get # Boom, boom, boom Gotta get-get # Boom, boom, boom - (grunts) Oh, God. # That boom, boom, boom # Boom, boom, boom # Let the beat rock Let the beat rock I went to the bathroom. I have to change. # Let the beat... # Let the beat... Let the beat rock # Rock, rock, rock # # Run, run, run run, run, run, run! Run, run, run, run, run! # Hey, man. What are you doing, man? I messed myself. I messed myself. - Can you help me? - Hell, no. You going to clean it? I'm cleaning it! If you'll get off my case. Hello. My name is Irving Zisman. This is my grandson, Murray. And today, we're going to go buy a scooter. Wow, what a lovely place. Good selection. - (man) How you doing, sir? - Good. I'm with my grandson. - (man) Oh, very nice. - Yeah. - How much does this cost? - That's running about $2,000. Two thousand? What'd I do, break something? My goodness. What were you looking at over there, Murray? Just a couple of bikes down there. Tell me a little bit about this one here. This is nice. I'll put it back. - I'll be right back. - OK. (motor revving) - (Irving screams) - (salesman) Holy shit! (screams) (groans) Fuck. Did I hit the wrong button? (salesman) What happened? Are you OK? Sir, would you like me to call the paramedics? No, I'm fine! - What happened? - The old dude just took off. (man) Some guy just fuckin' went through the thing. How'd he come through here? He came from here? He went out that way. How'd he go out that way? (Irving screams) (salesman) I think he's all right. Oh, my goodness. (engine sputtering) Up yours! I'm Pontius the Barbarian! And now the day has come to slay the foul beast, the devil's brethren. - (laughter) - (heavy metal music plays) (Chris) Come, beast. Come meet your doom. Oh, you sour beast! You swine of the darkness! I've long awaited this blood orgy, you... (all screaming) Fool! More! Ah, fool! He's got me! (yells) Fuck! Goddamn it, get me out of here! Fuck! Dude, fuck this shit. - (Ryan) What happened? - I'm fucking over it. - It got you good right here. - It got me good a lot. (Ryan) You got bit and stung, so mission accomplished. I'm fucking pissed. What'd you think was going to happen? (laughter) (Bam) Up a little. Yeah, right there. - Oh, shit. - (laughter) We're here with BMX legend Mat Hoffman and this is a Sweatsuit Cocktail. (up-tempo music plays) (laughter) So I guess the idea is for the sweat to dribble down into the funnel into the cup. That's rinky-dink, even for us. (Mat) That's coming right out of the ass. We probably need a doctor. You almost have a drop. (Preston) Man, it's fucking hot in this! Steve-O, face. - What's that? - Face. (Johnny) Looks like white gravy. (Jeff) Sop his face. Bring the cup down a little bit. - Get it, get it! - Oh, shit! - Is that pee-pee or sweat? - It's sweat, dude. Get it! (Jeff) Wring that out, Steve-O. - (all groan) - (Jeff) We're losing Lance, guys. (Johnny) What? What? What is...? His head's bobbing. - Lance, you all right? - I think we just broke him again. (retching) You OK? - You need the camera? - Yeah... - The camera help you not get sick? - Yeah, I'm... All right, give him the camera so he... Got it? You good? (Steve-O) Here, let's take this shit off and wring out the suit. (Johnny) That makes me want to puke. This is the first cocktail you've had in two years, right? Yeah. Here's to good health. (Jeff) Chug that whole thing, Steve-O. (laughs) (retches) (Johnny) I think the cam... (retches) Don't puke on that heater. You're puking on... Give me your camera. You're puking right on your lens. (laughter) Here, we gotta like... We're really falling apart here. - (Johnny) Jesus. - I love you, bro. (Johnny) He just puked all over his camera. That was the Sweatsuit Cocktail. - Seriously. - Yeah, brother. My name is Santy Claus, and I'm here with the Dudesons, and this is The Christmas Tree. Timber! (men) Whoo! - Santa and elf is coming down hard. - Yes! Santa ain't climbed a tree in quite a while. And, I am gonna be honest, Santa did have a couple last night. So... this ain't gonna feel too good. I'm just here to enjoy the ride. How do you get started? - You need a hand? - F, yes! Santa needs a hand. (Bam) I just love that they're climbing up a 40-foot tree, and they're gonna have a 60-foot drop and it's - the top of the morning. - Top of the morning to you! - (Jarno) Santa looking good! - Santa's fucking tired. Santa can barely hold on, so let's go. (laughter) (man) That was the hard part! Now comes the easy part. Bring out the saw! They're letting Jarppi work the chainsaw. He's never touched a chainsaw before. He's got one thumb. How's he gonna hit the trigger? He's gonna have no thumbs after this. You ever get scared in these moments? (Johnny) Yeah. (Bam) Push it! Push it the other way! Jarppi, cut out! Yeah, but you got to push! (Dave) There it goes, there it goes! (man) Timber! (all shouting) Fuck! (Jeff) Bam's coming out! Are you all right? (groans) I fell on the tree... on my ass! - (Jarno) You fell on the tree? - (Jukka) Yeah. (Jarno) But you're alive. You good? (Jarno) Santa, I think that's the only proper way to get yourself a Christmas tree. With all that sleigh riding I do, Santa really doesn't like heights, I found out. I'm Danger Ehren, and this is Pin the Tail on the Donkey. (The Blasters: I'm Shakin') You got it. Let me spin you around. Spin you around. # When you touch my hand and talk sweet talk - OK. Spread your legs. # I got a knockin' in my knees and a wobble in my walk - Tail up higher. # And I'm tremblin' - (brays) - (shouts) - (laughs) - Where'd it hit you? - It didn't. Where the fuck do you think it hit me? Look, damn it! (Bam) Put that tail on that donkey. OK, it's just a donkey. # Shakin', shakin' shakin', shakin' Spread legs... spread legs. That's good. (Ryan) Get your dick lower. You're going good. Spread legs. (Ryan) Your walk is just amazing. Straight, straight. - You're getting warm. - (braying) (all shout) I heard that. It got me in the dick! It got me in the dick! (Johnny) I see the hoofprint on his ding-ding. Fuck! I don't want to do that anymore, if that's OK. (laughter) (people chatter) (Rocky theme plays) (Rocky theme continues) Hello... Hello. My name is Johnny Knoxville. We have professional football players Erik Ainge, Jared Allen and our referee today, Seann William Scott. This is The Blindside. - (shouts) - (laughter) - I didn't do it, Wee Man. - I know. I didn't do it. Jared, why did you do that? I really got lost in the moment. (Johnny) Let's get this shit over with. (whistle blows) Blue... 24! Blue... 24! Hut! - Oh, my God. - (whistle blows) (laughter) Looks like you didn't block him, Preston. (Johnny) You just planted me in the fucking ground! That felt like shit. Have you ever played linebacker before? - Years and years ago. - You think you can give it a try? Quickly review. What's your job? Murder Knoxville's face. - What's your job? - Catch the ball. - I mean... - Let's do this! (in lower voice) I mean, catch the ball. (Jeff) Do you think Knoxville's gonna catch the ball? - Nope. - Who gives a shit? (Johnny) Hey, Jared! Don't hit me with your purse this time! (laughter) (Jared) Nice wristband, douche. - (whistle blows) - Ten hut! - (shouting) - (grunts) - (whistle blows) - (moaning) Did I catch it? People don't realize football's a game of physics. Speed and velocity equals that. - (shouting in slow motion) - (grunts in slow motion) - Good game. - Good game. See you in the showers. Oh, fuck! That was perfect. That was perfect. This is our friend, Will, and he has a very special bottom. - (farting loudly) - (laughter) Dude, you are one mingin' machine. You ready? All right, come on, dude, let's party. (tooting, laughter) (tooting, laughter) - What about the trumpet? - All right. Here he goes. You're bringing jazz back to the working man. - Shh! Shh... - (trumpet playing, all exclaim) - (Steve-O) We're on to something here. - That's talent! Let's get out the dart gun. - Yeah. - There you go. Luckily, we had it handy. - Do you want to practice? - Let's get a balloon. - Does it need to go down lower? - Yeah, go lower. You got it. You got it. You might want to tuck your nuts up. No, no, no! I think you should leave your legs just a little agape. Steve-O, don't get your balls in the way. You'll hurt 'em. - (Preston) Is this sucking in? - (Bam) Yeah, he's sucking in. - Trippin' out. - I'm seriously trippin'. You wanna try the longer... Hey. - Gonna be full of butt splatter, dude. (all shouting) My name's Johnny Knoxville and this is Bad Dog. (dog barking) (screams) Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Fuck! Oh, my ass meat! (groans) (Johnny) That dog... is athletic. My ass hurts. Lance, can you tell I've been doing squats? You know, I couldn't have done this on the first... ...two movies, because I never really did squats or anything then, but now I've been really working out my butt and legs, and it gave the dog something to bite on. Pretty good something to bite on, if you ask me. (Lance) Yeah. I'm Chris Pontius, and this is the Helicockter. (whirring) Whoo! Oh, no, you're flying it. (shrieks) Yeah! Ah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! (screams) - Throttle back, throttle back! - Throttle back! Throttle back. Throttle back. Throttle back. Oh, God! Well, so much for my aviation career. Oh, God. So much for my love life. - (screams) - (Johnny laughs heartily) 1 Yo, Novak. - (laughing) Oh, my God! - Holy fuck! Oh, my God! (Ehren) Are you all right? Oh, my God! Dude, you have no idea how fucking perfect that was. Help me up. No, not that way. Dude, we gotta see that shit again. Dude, it hit so fucking hard, my face... - That's the brake. - Look at the weld. - (Ryan) I've had stronger silverware. - (Bam) How fast does it go? It's kind of fast for being as cruddy as they are. - So you're saying he might make it. - He'll definitely make it. - Dude, you got this. - Nothing. Nothing. (Jeff) What's the furthest you've jumped a motorcycle before? I haven't jumped a motorcycle. (laughter) - So this will be your record. - Yeah. I'm breaking records. I'm doing the Snake River Redemption and, hopefully, if all goes as planned, I will create a perfect rainbow, ending up in Wee Man's pot of gold. Or on Wee Man. - (Ryan) Either way. - (Johnny) Either way works. The proud owner of Wee Man's Chronic Tacos! (When Johnny Comes Marching Home) (Johnny) At least your run-up ramp looks like a piece of microwave bacon. Uphill! A very patriotic microwave bacon. Just aim for the fucking leprechaun. (Ryan) I'm gonna try and take out the leprechaun. - (Andy) Land in the gold. - (Ryan) Steal his gold. Whatever. Let's fucking get it over with and go have some fucking tacos! (laughter) (engine rumbles) # The laurel wreath is ready now # To place upon his loyal brow # And we'll all feel gay when # Johnny comes marching home (all shouting) Shit! (laughter) - You OK? - You all right? (men) You OK? We got a Dunn down! (cheering) (Bam) Here, Dunn, gold! That was fucking awesome. That was awesome, Dunn! Dude, that thing is squirrelly as shit! That's, like, so amazing! (Chris) I think it's time for a Wee Man's Chronic Taco replay. (Ryan) Redemption is made! I'm Preston Lacy, and this is the Apple of My Ass. - Want me to put it in, P? - Put her in. Help me out, O. - What about the apple? - I got it. (all groaning) - Is it in there pretty good? - I think so. I think so. - A little deeper. - I can make it fit way better. - (Preston) A little deeper. - What? - Hold it open, I'll put it in. - There we go. That's in good. - (Johnny) Oh, Steve-O. - (Preston) My balls. - (retching) - Hold on. You don't like apple and peanut butter? - (Jeff) Bring in Bob. - Come on, Bob! Oh, don't bring in Bob. - Come on, Bob. - Oh, my God. - Make him work for it. - Come on, Bob. - Poor Bob. - Come on, Bob. - Get it, Bob. - He smells. Come on, Bobby. Bob-Bob. Bob-Bob. - The old forbidden fruit. - Come on, Bob. - (Johnny) The Garden of Eatin'. - Come on, Bob! (Johnny) Grip it, grip it. (all shouting) Bob. He really got in there. Oh, he's going back for more. Don't move. He's going back for more. Good B. Put it back in there? OK. - Is that Bob? - Oh, man. (Steve-O) It's in there! - (yelps) - (snorting) It's still in there! Get back down there! Get back down. It's still in. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! - Can I move this? - Still have an apple in your ass? (Preston) Got it out. - Argh! - (laughter) Why did you do that, Jeff? (Johnny) See, Bob? I told you it's not that hard to get into a movie. (grunts) - (Jeff) You got it? - (Johnny) Oh, no! (laughter) I was checking out my new haircut in the mirror. I was talking to Wee Man over there, then I heard a... I'm like, "What was that?" "I know what that was." That hurt my nose. It's like way, way up in my brain. Me and the boys are about to do a little Duck Hunting. (all quacking) - Pull! - Oh, shit! (paintgun-fire) (Johnny) Are you guys all right? - What did Andy do? - I fucked up. - Our timing was off. - I don't know. When we jumped... somehow I got under him, he got on top of me, and he landed on me. (man) His head smashed me. - (Andy) I'm shaking. - It hurt so bad. - (Andy) Got hit too. - (Chris) That looked hilarious. All right. So let's reload. Get Dunn on there. Looks like Dunn's up next. Ready, C-sucker? This one's a gobbler for sure. - (all quacking) - (Johnny) Pull! (paintgun-fire, all exclaim) Ow! Ow! Good fucking God! (Bam) I gotta give it to Paul Bunyan's 40-foot fucking cartwheel. (Dave) You look like Buck Rogers going through time, you know. (Ryan) Yeah, I felt like I was in the air for a fortnight. (Jeff) Oh, my God. Jump out! Oh! (chuckling) (Ehren) I told you I was gonna fucking clear it. That fucking just happened, didn't it? Hello. My name is Irving Zisman. This is my wife and granddaughter, and today I'm a Really Bad Grandpa. No, you're not, Grandpa. You're the best. - Irving! - Sorry, baby. Ha! (people chatter) (moaning) Oh! Sorry. Sorry, man, sorry. Excuse me, homeboy, can you take our picture? - I'm sorry to bother you. - No problem. I'm so, uh... Sorry. Thank you, buddy. OK? - You know what? I'm gonna pass. - You just hit the button there. I'm going to pass on that. Are you underage? No. This is my granddaughter. She's of age. She's 19. Sir, you shouldn't be kissing your granddaughter, slapping your granddaughter's ass like that, sir. - She's of age. - You can go to jail for that. I don't... I'm trying. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You shouldn't be doing that to your granddaughter. - What are you doing? - Honey, I don't even know this man. I don't care. You're with your granddaughter. That's terrible! - I've never seen anything like it... - This is my wife. - This is your wife? - Yes. Honey, I'm sorry. Don't bother coming home tonight! OK? Don't bother. Honey! God. Jesus. - Why would you...? - Go talk to her. Excuse me. I have my own problems. Honey! 1 It's time to find out if music calms the wild beast. I'm Ryan Dunn, and this is the Ram Jam. (play off-key) Soothing? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. He's already looking at me. - (bleats) - (laughter) Can you just go over there until I get in here, buddy? Jesus. (bleats) You better hurry up. He's looking at me. - He looks beguiled. - He's like, "Are these guys stupid?" - He doesn't like what he sees, though. - Hey, little baby. That was good. - (Johnny) Play some music! Play some music! - (Dave) You're toast. - (playing poorly) - (laughter) Aah! (screams) > - (Wee Man) Steve-O, help him! - (Johnny) Play some music! (all exclaim) Hold on. (Johnny) Get it over here, Dunn! (Wee Man) Go help him, Steve-O! - (Ehren) Save your bro! - (Johnny) Help him, Steve-O! - (shouting) - (playing instrument badly) - (Ryan) Play! - (Johnny) Steve-O! (Preston) Play the trumpet! - (screams) - (plays badly) - (Ehren) Yeah, there you go. - (Johnny) Just you, Steve-O. - Argh! - (laughter) Maybe we used the wrong instruments. (Ryan) So you think music calmed the wild beast? (Steve-O) Not at all, man, not at all. (Ryan) I don't think so, either. (Ryan echoing) Here we go. (Johnny) You guys look like idiots. (laughter) Ready? Fore! (gasps) Oh! - You all right? - Yeah. - Did you take it in the neck? - Yeah. (Ryan) Oh, my God, dude! You took it in the Adam's apple. - Hi, Spike. - Ehren McGhehey. Travis Bickle. - He's got a tooth that we need out. - I need it out. I need it because you need it. Whatever you need, I need. - Let's get it out. - We need it together. Dr. Pontius? Dr. Dunn? - Can we do this? - Finally! Tie him up and let's do it. Sit down. - Relax. - Oh! - (Johnny) Take it easy. - (Ryan) Relax. You know why this happened. Flossing is just as important as brushing. So what we're going to do is extract Ehren's crooked tooth and then we're gonna replant it, just like you would a tree. - But straight. - But straight. I'm Danger Ehren, and this is the Lamborghini Tooth Pull. (Chris) Here's the good news: What you're doing is stupid. So you got that going. (Bam) Get in the Lambo, shitbird! This is gonna suck. (Chris) Did your barber tell you to do this? He seems like he's full of bad ideas. - Are you stoked? - Uh-huh... - It's a Lamborghini. - (engine revving) - (screaming) - Listen to that thing. - Open your eyes wide. - Look at that bad-ass Lamborghini. - Yeah! - (click!) - (screams) God! - (Dave) Way to go! - Fuckin' deuce! Victory. (Ehren lisping) I wish I could say that didn't suck. - Oh, my God! - (Johnny) You look terrible! Is it gone? Is it gone? It hurt! - Oh, my God! - You did good. You did good. You did good. (Johnny) Man, that hurt me. Not really. (Wee Man) Let me see, Ehren. - (Johnny) What'd it feel like? - It hurt like a... (mumbles) - (Bam) What was that? - I don't know. - What... Are you crying? - You're pulling my tooth. (Ryan) We already pulled your tooth. We're not "pulling" your tooth. (Johnny) The tooth is officially pulled. Ehren, remember how I said I could replant the tooth? - Yeah. - That story wasn't true. I'm sorry. - Oh, my God. - It was a story. We were trying to build up your confidence. That hurts. (Chris) A lot of doctors... dentists... I don't really consider them real doctors. They think they're God, you know? Not me. Satan. (laughter) (laughs) (indistinct chattering) (screaming) (Dave) Yeah, he's soaked. (Roger Alan Wade: Party in My Pants) # There's a party in my pants and you're invited # A big fiesta in my trousers # I'm excited # I'm so happy, my little cupcake, I can't hide it # There's a party in my pants and you're invited # Oh! There's a party in my pants and you're invited (Bam) All I got to say is, Tremaine told me to do this. # I'm so happy, my little cupcake, I can't hide it # There's a party in my pants and you're invited # There's a party in my pants and you're invited # (laughter) Ap and Phil just arrived in Los Angeles. As soon as they check in their hotel room, there's gonna be a gorilla in there, aka Chris Pontius, and the trainer here, Will, who's gonna try to tame him, but it's gonna go horribly wrong. Basically, all hell's gonna break loose. It's gonna be a blood orgy. (lock beeps) My goodness. - (grunting) - (shrieking) (April screaming) - (doorknob clicking) - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no! It's OK! This is Samson. Just don't make eye contact. Samson, down. Be quiet. He's a good boy. If he wants to be a good boy, he's a good boy. Just don't make any sudden movements. Don't make eye contact with him. Samson... (grunting) - (grunting) - I'm getting my whip! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Get out of here! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Samson! - (April) Jesus Christ. What the hell was that? - There's a trainer... - It's out! It's out! What happened to Phil? - The trainer will get him. - He said be quiet. (Will) Sam, Sam... (April) Oh, my God. I never saw a gorilla before. - (Bam) He's tame. - (April) He just wrecked the whole room. - (Bam) There's a fucking trainer. - (April) Big deal! - Did this go wrong or something? - Kind of. What was supposed to happen? - He's like the trainer... - Oh, so what? He seems all right now. Was this supposed to be just fun or something? Now it's a bad thing. Do you have the key to that room? - Yeah. - Give me the key. - Give me the key. - My husband's in there somewhere. (Bam) Is Phil OK? Is Phil out here? - (Phil) I shit myself! - (Bam) What? Where is he? - I had to take a mean shit. - There's a gorilla. I know. I had to take a mean shit. It was coming out. Hear it? It's all juicy. I had to do it. - Phil, you are mingin'. - I know. I had to. I need this thing off. I can't breathe. I need this off. Is that a person? That's a frickin' person. - (Bam) It's Pontius, dipshit! - Is that a person? Is that a... Oh, my God! I can't believe it! Did you almost have a heart attack? Oh, my God. - I'm so glad you're fake. - Welcome to L.A. Phil's in there shittin'. - Get... - It scared the shit out of Phil. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. 1 (MAN) THINKS: 'Man, Steve is really smelly. 'Oh, sort that out. 'He smells like a teenager's watch band. 'I look like Tintin. He's cool ` Tintin. 'How do you tell a guy he smells? Do you have a smell intervention? 'Maybe just wait for his birthday and just go, 'Happy birthday, Steve!' CAR HONKS 'Ooh, sorry! 'And for a present you give him a deodorant and say, "Oh, here's a nice necklace. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! CAR RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY 1 (Will) All right. - (Johnny) That's a good one. - (Preston) Get it! Go! Go! (all shouting) Holy shit! Hello, my name is Johnny Knoxville, and today I'm an Invisible Man. (Smut Peddlers: Invisible Man) You ready? OK. # I wanna be the # I wanna be the invisible man Whoa! Take him around again. # Six, five - Am I still invisible? # Four, three - I hate when they do that. # Two - (Johnny) Fuck me. # One, blastoff # - Whoa! - Where'd Knoxville go? Is he close? Oh, fuck! (all exclaim) Open the gate! (indistinct chattering) That was fucking insane. - (Ryan) He just landed bad. - (Loomis) He fell a little bit. - (Chris) Oh, Jesus. - (Ryan) You OK, Johnny? (Bam) Dude, that was a total neck-breaker. I think it jarred his head. - (Jeff) Get the money shot? - (Bam) Oh, yeah, dude. (Bam) Look at the feet mark on top of the tree. (Chris) Yeah, look it... Oh man. - I got up. Oh, yeah. - Yeah, you did. (Loomis) You were over the rainbow. I was over the rainbow. So, in this trailer, we have a false floor with an 11-foot-deep pit we dug and filled with rubber snakes. And Bam thinks he's gonna be doing a prank on Jeff, who's sitting in front of the trailer. But he's gonna be falling into that pit, and when he does, Mr. David Weathers... ...has a few hundred live snakes we're gonna throw in there with him. Bam really hates snakes, too. This may be the first time Bam cries in the film. - (man) You ready? - Yeah. - All right. - You want to...? Tremaine's in a very vulnerable spot. I think it's time for Rocky. I think it's Rocky 4, I believe. Either way, he's getting punched in the face. (Ryan) Shh. Be quiet. (Ryan whispers) Go, go, go, go. (people chatter in background) (Bam) Oh, fuck! Fucking fuck. (YELLS) (SHRIEKS) No! Are they real? Get me the fuck out of here. You cocksuckers. Dude, get me out, man. - (Andy) They're not real, dude. - (Johnny) What happened? (people chatter) - (Bam) I want out, man. - (man) Bam. Bam. What, what?! Don't do this to me! Yo, seriously, get me out! Get me the fuck out now! Now! Get me out now! Dude, stop, stop, stop! (Johnny) Oh, Jesus. I'm stepping back for this one. (Bam) Dude, stop fucking with me! - (man) Hey, Bam. - Dude, I fucking hate you guys. - Dimitry, please! Please! - Is he crying? - (Bam) Please! Please! - He's really crying. Tremaine, you motherfucker! Get me out now! It's not funny. It's not funny! It's not funny? I'm gonna argue with you on that one, Bam. You fucking assholes! - (Johnny) Get him out. - Get me out. Get me out. You can't do that to me, man. (Ryan) Sorry, bud. Dude, that is the worst fear I could ever imagine. You fucking dick-sucking, fucking asshole motherfuckers just did that to me. (Andy) Look at the snake tracks on his back. (Johnny) You have snake marks on your back. (growling) - (Johnny) Oh, my God. - (Andy) That one is so big! (Johnny) That looks like hell in there. That was fucking terrifying. I can't think of anything more terrifying than that, that just happened right now. Well, you're welcome, man. Fucking cocksucker. Your voice definitely did have different nuances to it when you were hollering out for... getting out of there. Stop it, man! Fuck, man! You're gonna make me have a heart... Seriously... Thank God I am leaving at three. I am counting down the minutes. Seriously. With fucking David Weathers around. I'm gonna see if there's a one-hour-earlier flight. (laughter) (Terry Cashman: Talkin' Baseball) # The whiz kids had won it # Bobby Thomson had done it # And Yogi read the comics all the while # Rock 'n' roll was bein' born # Marijuana we would scorn # So down on the corner # The national pastime went on trial # We're talkin' baseball # Kluszewski, Campanella # The Scooter, the Barber and the Newc # Especially Willie, Mickey and the Duke # Say hey, say hey, say hey # Most people don't like the idea of being covered in dog shit, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as, like, rollercoasters and bungee jumping. I just can't do that shit, man. That's why this is gonna be fantastic. It's basically like a poo coaster. - (Johnny) You have really irrational fears. - I know. "Cast me out to sea with sharks, I don't care." "Put the hook through my cheek. But I'm not bungee diving." What the fuck? (Steve-O) Oh, my God. Dude. (coughs) I'm trying. - (Ryan) What's the problem? - It fuckin' stinks like sh... (coughs) ...shit. (Johnny) I think it's about ten years ago today that I was doing the first Poo Cocktail and now you're taking the reins and taking it to a whole other level. - Yep. - You look pretty happy about it. Hey, let's get me down pretty fucking quick after this. I'm gonna be so claustrophobic, it's gonna be ridiculous. - Do you have claustrophobia? - Yeah. Just relax and enjoy your shit. I'm Steve-O, and this is the Poo Cocktail Supreme. All right. Good luck. - (Chris) You ready, Steve-O? - No. Order up! Poo Cocktail Supreme! (all shouting) Oh, shit! (all shouting) Yeah, man. Yeah! (laughter) (thumping, all exclaim) (shouting) Oh, shit! (wheezing) He's puking! (retches) (Chris) Fucking gross. (Johnny) What's wrong with you, Bam? (Ryan) Oh, my God, dude. Are you OK, Steve-O? Oh, my God! It's gonna be ugly. I don't know if you wanna see this. Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus. - (Johnny) Help him out of there! - (Jeff) Let him out! I'm ready to lose it. (all exclaim, laugh) Oh, my God. Jump in that lake right now. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. (laughter continues) (people chatter) (coughing, retching) (Dave) Jesus! Oh, God, it's so gross. (Chris) This is the kind of extreme shit that those extreme dudes don't even think of. That had it all. That had danger. It had shit. It had puke. That's what this show is all about. And sex appeal. 1 All right, fellas, we're gonna play a little game called Escaped Convict and Warden's Wife. And I'm pretty sure something sucky's gonna happen when I push this. So would you guys rather listen to Steve-O's rap album, - or have me push this plunger? - (all) Push the plunger! All right, let's end this turkey. Glasses on! Goggles on! Hello. My name's Johnny Knoxville and I'm about to end this movie. What? (boom!) (Tchaikovsky: 1812 Overture) (music continues) 1 1 1 (music ends) (all shouting) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I don't believe... Can you believe this? I don't understand what the hell they're doing? I mean, it looks more like a riptide to me. Don't you think so? This is ridiculous. Now wait just a second. - How...? Is this the way you make... - Rip Taylor! (Rip) Shut up yourself! I'm just fed up. Who's the fat guy in the Speedo? Look in the mirr... Oh, my God. Look in the mirror. A grown man. And they did it. And I can't believe all the confetti. And don't forget... Jackass 3D. - 3D! - Thank you. No tongue! No tongue! No tongue! No tongue! (The Minutemen: Corona) (all shouting) (grunts) (shouting) (cheering, laughter - Ugh! - (all exclaim) Yeah. - (engine roars) - (men) Whoo! If I can't get Phil's hair off of me, then I'd really rather prefer a ZZ Top beard. (all shout) Fucking asshole! (CKY: Afterworld) Oh! Oh! # Danger up ahead # Just ignore the warning signs instead - Dude! I was joking. You just broke Jeff's cam... You broke your camera. # ...the rules that hold you down # Live your life, take a risk # We'll never die in the afterworld # In the end, start again # We'll stay alive in the afterworld Fucker! # Live your life, take a risk Fuck. OK. You got me. # We'll stay alive in the afterworld Bro-zilian, take two, mark. # We'll never die in the afterworld (screams) Dudes! Dudes! Cut the... Dude, I will fucking punch you in the face, dude! Stop it. # When we wanna you know we're gonna # Die # Whoa! Whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah. (screams) Oh! Don't be a sissy. (man) Three, two, one, go! (screams) Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass. - (indistinct chattering) - (screaming) Cut! (groans) (Karen O: If You're Gonna Be Dumb, You Gotta Be Tough) My name is Eddie Barbanell, and this is some bullshit with a plunger. Preston, move your ass. # If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough # When you get knocked down you gotta get back up # I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer - Come back here! # But I know enough, to know # If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough - This bruise looks old. Yeah, there's been a lot of stuff going on back there. # I lit my brain with rotgut whiskey - (Bam) That's an official break. (Chris) Jeez. That's so gnarly. That's some serious bragging rights, right there. Happy birthday! (all shouting) (indistinct chattering) Tastes good. # Teach me how to swallow pride # I took advice no fool would take Oh, right there. That's the spot. # I got some habits I can't shake # I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer Sorry. Had we known you didn't like red, we wouldn't have wore this. Thanks, buddy. (Johnny) He's got it, he's got it! Oh, shit! # When you get knocked down you gotta get back up # That's the way it is in life and love # If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough - (screams) - (Johnny) Man, you jumped! # If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough # When you get knocked down you gotta get back up Oh! Oh, you fucker. You fucker. # If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough # If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough I did like you said. I held the brake... # If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough # Like this, while it's still... - Oh, my God! - Yes! Yeah! (Johnny) That's my girl. - You're gonna roller-skate. - (Johnny) Yeah, I'm an awesome roller skater. I know. I saw you a long time ago at the L.A. River when you were... - Why you gotta bring that up? - (Chris) You were amazing! My name is Johnny Knoxville, and today, I'm gonna jump the L.A. River. (Weezer: Memories) - Help me! Help me! # Pissing in plastic cups before we went on stage # Playing hackey sack - How's it going? I'm Steve-O, and I collected nine days of elephant shit. No wait, that doesn't work. What should I say? (Johnny) Say whatever you want. # Listening to techno music on the bus # While we earned our cheques # Memories make me want to go back there, back there # All the memories # Make me want to go back there, back there - Hi. I'm Jeff. - Hi. I'm April. - It's nice to meet you. - Hi, April. Nice meeting you. # How can we make it back there, back there Look at these haggard tattoos he has! He's got a Chili Peppers sign. And what's this? Blair Witch? - What's this one over here? - That's a noose. - What does that mean? - I don't know. # Telling stupid lies # They had a feeling that something was up # Because of the look in our eyes - (Steve-O) That's Trip. - (Spike) And action. - Hi. Welcome to Jackass. I never wanted to be this. I was hired to move the ramps, 'cause I was the only one with a pickup truck. # And sure of our way through life # Memories make me want to go back there, back there # All the memories - Do it up and down. # Make me want to go back there, back there # All the memories How can we make it back there? # Back there # I want to be there again (shouting, laughter) # I never know when I'll become awake You! Pull that fucking camera back, jackass. I know Johnny Knoxville, and he is not broadcasting my crack to millions of people. # I gotta get my groove on because I'm freaking bored (Jeff) Is this shoot over? Yeah. What did you want out of it? You got whatever, you know? (screaming) # Mmm # Memories make me want to go back there, back there # All the memories # Make me want to go back there, back there # All the memories # Make me want to go back there, back there # All the memories # How can we make it back there You did great today, Jeff. # I want to be there again # (camera rolling) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016