ORACLE subtitles ` BARBARA SKINNER. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 # A legend is sung # Of when England was young # And knights were brave and bold # The good king had died # And no one could decide # Who was rightful heir to the throne # It seemed that the land would be torn by war # Or saved by a miracle alone # And that miracle appeared # In London town The sword in the stone # And below the hilt, in letters of gold was written... Though many tried for the sword, with all their strength, none could move it nor stir it. So the miracle had not worked, and England was still without a king. In time, the marvellous sword was forgotten. This was a dark age ` without law and without order. Men lived in fear of one another. For the strong preyed upon the weak. A dark age, indeed! An age of inconvenience! No plumbing. No electricity. No... nothing! Arrgh! Arrgh! Oh, hang it all! Hang it all! COUGH / SPLUTTER Oh, now what?! Leave off! Leave off! You fiendish chain, you! Everything's complicated ` it's one big medieval mess. (SIGHS) Now, let me see... He should be here in half an hour. Who? Whooo? I'd like to know whooo! I told you Archimedes, I am not sure. All I know is ` someone is coming. Someone very important. Someone very important. Huh! Pinfeathers! Fate will direct him to me, so that I may guide him to his rightful place. And you say he'll arrive in half an hour? Ha! Well, we'll just see. And you will, Archimedes. You will. And you will, Archimedes. You will. Ow! He'll be... a boy. A small boy. 11, 12 years old. And... a scrawny little fellow. Oh, no, no... That can't be the one! Surely not. That big lad must be close on 20. Ah! There he is! The scrawny little fellow, about 12. A regular little grasshopper! Look at him go. And where would you guess he is at this moment? I am not guessing, Archimedes, I know! Er... less than a mile from here, just beyond the forest. And right on schedule, if all goes well. CREAK CREAK Quiet, Wart! I'm trying to be. Nobody asked you to come anyway. I'm not even moving. I'm not even moving. Shut up! Uh-huh! Here we go! What a set-up! Right smack through the old gizzard. ARGH! You clumsy little fool! Oh, Kay, please! I'm sorry! I couldn't help it. Please! Oh, Kay, please! I'm sorry! I couldn't help it. Please! If I ever... If I ever get my hands on you I'll wring your scrawny neck! I'll get the arrow, Kay. I'm sure I can find it. Don't tell me you're going in there. It's swarming with wolves. It's swarming with wolves. I'm not afraid. Well, go ahead ` it's your skin, not mine! (CRUNCH, MUNCH) Argh! There it is! (GULP) Whaaoo! (COUGHING) Well, so... You did drop in for tea, after all? You are a bit late, y'know. I am? Now, my name is Merlin. Come, come ` who are you, my lad? My name is Arthur, but everyone calls me Wart. My name is Arthur, but everyone calls me Wart. Oh? What a perfect stuffed owl! What a perfect stuffed owl! Stuffed?! I... I beg your pardon! < He's alive! And he talks! And a great deal better than you do! Come, Archimedes. I want you to meet the Wart. Now, you must forgive him. He's only a boy. Now, you must forgive him. He's only a boy. Boy? Boy? I see no boy. I'm sorry that I caused... I'm sorry that I caused... It's all right. He's too sensitive. Sensitive?! Whoo? Wh... What? How did you know that I... How did you know that I... That you would drop in? Well, I happen to be a wizard. A soothsayer. A prognosticator. I have the power to see into the future. Centuries into the future. I've even been there, lad. And I've seen all these things. They're only plans and small models. This, for instance, is a steam locomotive. Ha ha! There she goes! Pretty good, eh?! But it won't be invented for hundreds of years. You see everything before it happens? You see everything before it happens? Yes! Everything. Uh-uh! Everything, Merlin? Er... No, no,... Not everything. I admit I didn't know whom to expect for tea. But as you can see, I figured the exact place. You're very clever, sir. Yes... Well, never mind the 'sir'. Just plain Merlin will do. Now, would you like sugar? Now, would you like sugar? Oh, yes, I would, please. All right... Sugar! Sugar? No, no! Manners...! Guests first. You know that. Say when, lad. > Say when, lad. > When! Have you had any schooling? Have you had any schooling? Oh, yes! I'm training to be a squire. I'm learning combat, swordsmanship, jousting and horsemanship. Oh, yes... yes... good... No, no, no... I mean a real education ` mathematics, history,... ..biology, natural science, English, Latin, French ` NO! When! WHEN! Impudent piece of crockery! Boy, now, you can't... You can't grow up without a decent education. You can't grow up without a decent education. I suppose not, sir. Merlin. So, I am going to be your tutor. But I must go. They'll want me in the kitchen. Well,... Very well. We'll pack and be on our way. Watch... You'll like this. > Higitus figitus zumba ka zing! I want your attention, every thing! We're packing to leave, come on, let's go. No, no, not you... Books are always first, you know. Hockety pockety wockety wack. Hockety pockety wockety wack. Abra abra dabra nack. Shrink in size, very small. Got to save enough room for all. Higitus figitus migitus mum... Prestidigitonium! Alica fez, balica zez, malaca mez meripides. Hockety pockety wockety... Whoa! Stop! Stop! Stop! See here, sugar bowl ` don't be rough! That old tea set is cracked enough. Right, let's start again. Er... let's start... Oh...! Where was I? Er... hockety pockety? Er... hockety pockety? Oh, yes! Hockety, pockety, wockety, wack. Odds and ends, bric-a-brac. Be with you in a minute, son. Packing's almost done! Oh! Oh! Oh! You...! You...! Bungling blockhead! Hey, easy, lad! No, no, go ahead. Dum doodly doodly doodly dum higitus figitus migitus mum... Dum doodly doodly doodly dum higitus figitus migitus mum... ..prestidigitonium! Prestidigitonium! Ha, ha! Ha, ha! What a way to pack! Well... boy ` how else would you get all this in one suitcase, I'd like to know! < I think it's wonderful! < I think it's wonderful! Yes, it is rather. Now, don't go getting the idea that magic will solve all your problems... It won't! But, sir, I don't have any problems. But, sir, I don't have any problems. Oh, pah! Everybody's got problems! The world is full of problems. Oh, blast it all! See what I mean. Agh! Ugh... That's the trouble nowadays. They're butting their heads against a brick wall ` all muscle, no mentality. Do you want muscles and no brain? Do you want muscles and no brain? I don't have any muscle. Then how do you move about? Then how do you move about? I suppose I have a little. Then how do you move about? I suppose I have a little. You see! It's enough. Develop your brain. Knowledge, wisdom ` that's the real power. Higher learning! So, first thing tomorrow we'll start a full schedule ` 8 hours a day. 6 hours of school room, and two for study period. But I don't have the time. I have page duties. Page duties? Pah! THUMP! We'll change all that. There's got to be a shake-up! Well, yes, sir... I suppose so. How can you amount to anything without an education? Even in these bungling, backward medieval times, you must have a goal Y... yes, sir. So, you must plan for the future! Find a direction. And... er... um... By the bye, in what direction is this castle? By the bye, in what direction is this castle? I think it's north. The other way. Oh! Then we'd better get going! Come on, pick up the pace! (WHEEZE, PANT, WHEEZE, PANT) GURGLE 1 Oh, the devil take it! Anyone should know not to go into that infernal forest alone! You should've have let him go. Look, Dad,... I'm not the Wart's keeper. Well, blast it all ` I am! After all, I took him in, adopted the lad ` well, as his foster father I'm responsible. HAPPY BARKING Tiger! Talbot! > Tiger! Talbot! > Look here, Wart. What's the idea ` gallivanting off into the woods, worrying everybody? I'm sorry, sir. Sorry's not enough. Four demerits ` 4 hours extra kitchen duty. Report to the cook! Report to the cook! But, sir, I'd like you to meet... Report to the cook! But, sir, I'd like you to meet... Hop it, boy! Hop, hop, hop it! Takes a tight schedule to run a place like this! Strict rules. Especially for small boys. I certainly agree! I certainly agree! Do you?! And.. er, who are... you? My name is Merlin. And this is Archimedes. A highly educated owl. A highly educated owl. (AHEM) Educated owl?! Say, that's a good one! (LAUGHTER) Say... I know ` you've got him under a spell, Marvin. You're a magician. The name is Mer-lin. And I happen to be the world's most powerful wizard. Come off it, man! (LAUGHS) Gadzooks! All right, I shall demonstrate. Higitus figitus migitus mo... ..wind and snow swirl and blow! BRRRRRRR! What the devil are you up to? That's what I call a wizard blizzard. Hey, Kay, would you look at this? An indoor blizzard, and in July. So what? All right, Merlin. Turn her off. I'm convinced. ALAKAZAM! I... I... hope you don't go in for any of that black magic. Oh, no, no. Never touch the stuff. My magic's used mainly for educational purposes. In fact, that is why I am here. I have come to educate the Wart. In fact, that is why I am here. I have come to educate the Wart. Oh, no, you don't! I run this place, and if you think you're going to fiddle with my schedule, then begone! Well, by Jove. Hey... He's gone! Good riddance! (MERLIN'S VOICE) 'I'm gone, but then ` I'm not gone.' 'So if I do leave, you can never be sure I am gone.' 'Can you?' Well... I must say, you've got me there, Marvin. Yes, well, you win. You're welcome to stay. Thank you. You're very kind. Very generous, I must say. Well, all we can offer is room and board. Hard times, y'know, Marvin. You'll be in the northwest tower. It's draughty in winter, but in this hot weather it's the best room in the house. Oh, yes. Very lovely indeed. So just make yourself at home, Marvin. So just make yourself at home, Marvin. Marvin, Marvin, Marvin...! Best room in the house ` hah! Unwelcome-guest room (!) If he thinks he can get rid of me, I've news for that walrus! I'm sticking it out! I'm sticking it out! And I say we go back to the woods. Not on your life. That boy's got to have an education. He has a future. You may be right. A skinny kid like that would make a cracking chimney sweep! Something tells me that you're all wet, Archimedes. HORSE WHINNIES > BLOWS HORN Who goes there? Who goes there? Pelinore! It's Pelinore, dash it! I've got big news from London! BIG NEWS! Come on, man. Drop the bridge! > So... Big news, eh? I can't wait for The Times. First edition will be out in... I can't wait for The Times. First edition will be out in... ..1,200 years! Archimedes! Would you mind sailing down there and... Archimedes! Would you mind sailing down there and... Not interested! Oh, come, come, now. You're as wet as you'll get. You're as wet as you'll get. No! No! No! Archimedes! I'll turn you into a human. I'll turn you into a human. You wouldn't dare! I'll turn you into a human. You wouldn't dare! I will! So help me, I will! All right, all right! Works every time! Just like magic. Pelinore! Pelinore! > Greetings, old boy! And what's the noise about London?> Greetings, old boy! And what's the noise about London?> Big news! Really big news! Sit down. Let's hear all about it. They're having a big tournament New Year's Day. That's not news! They always do. > But, 'Ector, 'Ector ` here's where the excitement comes in ` to the winner of this tournament goes the crown! (CHOKE, SPLUTTER) > He'll be king of all England?! He'll be king of all England?! King of all England! Kay, lad! Did you hear that? Kay, lad! Did you hear that? Pretty fair prize. You could win it if you knuckled down. We'll have you knighted by Christmas. What do you say? What do you say? Sure. Why not? Wart, lad. How'd you like to go to London? Wart, lad. How'd you like to go to London? Oh, Sir Hector, you mean it?! Stick to your duties and you can be Kay's squire. Stick to your duties and you can be Kay's squire. Oh, I will, sir. I will. I don't want the Wart for my squire. Here's to London! And here's to Kay! And here's to the Castle of the Forest Sauvage! CHARGE! WEIGHT FORWARD! > LEAN INTO IT! > < STEADY, BOY! STEADY! STEADY WITH THE LANCE! < GRIP TIGHT! HIT HIM CLEAN! NO! NO! NO! < HEADS UP! Er... er, Archimedes? Archimedes, where... where are we? In a tumbledown old tower in the most miserable castle in all Christendom. Er... castle? Don't you even remember the boy? The boy...? The boy...? < CAN'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING?! Now, just a moment... Now, just a moment... < A tight grip on the lance! LOOSEN THE SADDLE. KNEES IN TIGHT. WEIGHT FORWARD, AND STAY ON TARGET! (WHINNY) (WHINNY) You're losing your grip! It's not a mere matter of muscles, sire. Jousting is a fine skill. It's a highly developed science. Huh! Science, indeed! One dummy trying to knock off another with a stick. And the Wart's as keen as the rest! And the Wart's as keen as the rest! He is! That boy has real spark. Lots of spirit. Throws himself heart and soul into everything. That's crucial, if it could only be turned in the right direction. That's crucial, if it could only be turned in the right direction. Fat chance of that! I plan to cheat, of course. Use magic. Every last trick in the trade, if I have to. I'd give anything to ride a white charger about, slaying dragons and griffins and man-eating giants. Well, won't you? Well, won't you? Oh, no. You see, I'm an orphan. And a knight must be of proper birth. I only hope I'm worthy to be Kay's squire. That's a big job too, you know. That's a big job too, you know. Oh, indeed. Yes, yes. I would say almost impossible. Now, lad, when I said that I could swim like a fish, I really meant as a fish. You can turn yourself into a fish?! After all, I happen to be a wizard. Could you turn me into a fish? Could you turn me into a fish? Do you have any imagination? Can you imagine being a fish? Can you imagine being a fish? Oh, that's easy. I've done it lots. Good. Then I think that my magic can do the rest. Er... abr... er... Archimedes, what is that fish formula? (YAWNS) Whoo? Whoo? Wh... What? You know, that Latin business. You know, that Latin business. Fish? Latin? Er... Er... Oh, er... Aquarius, aquaticus, aqualitatus, an... an... ..and now, if you don't mind, I say good day to the both of you! (When he stays out all night, he's grumpy the next morning.) (When he stays out all night, he's grumpy the next morning.) He must stay out every night! Yes... yes... Oh, yes! Very good, boy. (LAUGHS) Whoo? Wh... What? All right, boy. All set, here we go. Aquarius, aquaticus, aqualitatus, qwum ` aquadigiterium! Merlin, am I a fish? Am I a fish? Yes, yes, yes, you are. But if you don't stop flippity flopping about and get in the water you won't last long. Now, now, stay right here in the tules, and I'll be with you in a minute. So, you thought you could just take off, did you? Well, I am a fish, aren't I? You may look like a fish, but that doesn't mean you can swim like one. You've no instinct. So, use your brain... for a change. You are living between two planes now ` between the ceiling and the floor. There are lots of ups and downs. Like a helicopter. Helicopter?! Helicopter?! Yes... Oh. Never mind. Every flick of a fin creates movement. So, first, we'll start with the caudal fin. No, no, boy ` your tail. > That gives you the forward thrust. So, let's get a rhythm ` right, left, right, left! One, two,... # Left and right, by day and night # That's what makes the world go round # In and out, thin and stout # That's what makes the world go round # For every up there is a down # For every square... # For every square... There is a round? # For every square... There is a round? Yes! # For every high # For every high There is a low? # And for every to # And for every to There is a... # And for every to There is a... Fro. Yes, fro. # To and fro, stop and go # And that's what makes the world go round # In and out, thin and stout # In and out, thin and stout Merlin! Merlin! I swallowed a bug! What's wrong with that? After all, boy, you are a fish! Instinct, you know. > But you said I had no instinct. But you said I had no instinct. Yes. Oh... Oh, I did? Well, that's neither here nor there. The main thing is you must... Well, that's neither here nor there. The main thing is you must... # Set your sights upon the heights # Don't be a mediocrity # Don't be a mediocrity Mediocrity? # Don't be a mediocrity Mediocrity? That's right. # Don't just wait and trust to fate # And say that's how it's meant to be # And say that's how it's meant to be # It's up to you how far you go # If you don't try you'll never know # And so, my lad, as I've explained # Nothing ventured, nothing gained # A de de dum # Pa tee ta pom ba doodly doodly diddly diddly da do pom (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Let's swim through that tall grass again ` it tickles! GIGGLING Oh! I beg your pardon. Me too. # For every to there is a fro # For every stop there is a go and that's what makes the world go round! Oh, let go! Let go! Oh, you big, bug-eyed bully, you! Who? Me?! Oh, here, here now, boy. No sense going around insulting bullfrogs. A fish has plenty of other problems without that. The water world has forests and jungles so it has its tigers and wolves. But that's what makes the world go round. You see, it's nature's way. Upon the weak, the strong ones prey. # In human life, it's also true # In human life, it's also true # The strong will try to conquer you # And that is what you must expect # Unless you use your intellect # Brains and brawn, weak and strong # Brains and brawn, weak and strong Help, Merlin! Help! ARRGGHH! Oh! Quick, Merlin ` the magic! No, no. You're on your own! Now's your chance to prove my point. No, no. You're on your own! Now's your chance to prove my point. What point? Oh! He's the brawn, you're the brains. He's the brawn, you're the brains. < DON'T PANIC! < USE YOUR HEAD! OUTSMART THE BRUTE! Smart move, lad! That's using the old intellect. Oh-oh! BRAVO, BOY! GREAT STRATEGY! Is this lesson over?! Is this lesson over?! Did you get the point? Is this lesson over?! Did you get the point? Yes, yes! Brain over brawn! OK, I'll fix him! Higgledy, pi... no. Hocus pocus... no! What in blazes...? Er, hey diddle da... no. Merlin! (GROANS) Now what? Oh, it's that... that boy! What in blazes...? What in blazes...? Help! Help! OOUUCCCHH! (GASPS) (GASPS) Help! Archimedes! Help! (GURGLE, GURGLE) What... What... What's a monster like that doing in a moat?! I'll turn him into a minnow! I'll turn him into a minnow! Merlin! > Oh, there you are, boy! How in the world did you get out of that?! That big fish almost swallowed me, and Archimedes, he... saved me. Well, what do you know about that! (COUGH, SPLUTTER) I did nothing of the sort! I intended to eat him! Young perch is my favourite dish. You know that. Do you believe that, Wart? Do you believe that, Wart? Well, I... < WART! WART! Oh, I've got to go ` thanks, Merlin. It was so much fun! And Archimedes, I... And Archimedes, I... Pinfeathers, boy! And Archimedes, I... Pinfeathers, boy! < WART! WHERE ARE YOU? Coming! Now, Archimedes. Why would you half drown yourself for a titbit of fish? And after such a big breakfast. Pinfeathers and... gollyfluff! We were fine, then along came a huge pike with sharp jagged teeth... Oh, turn him off, Dad! Oh, turn him off, Dad! He was a monster! And, boy, that's the biggest fish story I ever heard! And, boy, that's the biggest fish story I ever heard! But it's true, sir. Three demerits for being late, and three more for the fish story. Now get to the kitchen! I told you the Wart was loony! Yes... Either that, or there's something fishy going on. # For every high there is a low # For every to there is a fro # To and fro, stop and go # That's what makes the world go round TAPPING Oh, it's you, Merlin, sir. Oh, it's you, Merlin, sir. Yes, my lad. Now, have you ever considered being a squirrel? Well, no. Well, now, there is a tiny creature with enormous problems. How he has survived through time is one of nature's mysteries. His life is hazardous ` downright dangerous! Would you like to try it? Would you like to try it? No. I'd better not. It's too dangerous for you, eh? No, it's not that. It's just that I've got 6 demerits. All this work to do. What a mess! > What a medieval muddle! We'll have to modernise? Start an assembly line! Right, now ` 1, and a 2, and a 3, and a 4! FAST JAZZY MUSIC Higitus figitus migitus mum. Skittendy, bittendy, buttendy dum. But I'm supposed to do it. No one will know the difference, son. Who cares, is long as it's done? Rubbity scrubbity sweepity flo. Come on, son... Let's go, let's go! 1 < Wart! WART! Take it easy! Take it easy, boy! No, boy. No! Whooa! Aargh! What did I tell you?! Always look before you leap. What did I tell you?! Always look before you leap. Well, I made it, didn't I? Yes, yes. But you can't always trust to luck. Now, first, you start with the short jumps. Gauge the distance carefully... oh! There, you see... Even then you can miss. Beware of gravity ` it'll catch up with you. What's gravity? What's gravity? It's what causes you to fall. Like a stumble or a trip? No, no... it's the force that pulls you downward. It's the phenomenon that any two particles or bodies, if free to move,... will be accelerated toward each other. SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK Merlin, how will we get by? Oh, well, I suppose we'd better go back to a side track. SQUEAK SQUEAK Go on, go on. You've lots of room. SQUEAK SQUEAK GIGGLE I guess she can't be side-tracked. That's a girl squirrel, and a redhead, at that. SQUEAK SQUEAK She sure acts funny. She sure acts funny. < She likes you. She sure acts funny. < She likes you. Why? Yes, well, that's nature again. But there's no time to explain. Leave me out of it. Yeah. Me, too! Merlin! Merlin! (MUFFLED CALL) You're on your own, lad. I'm afraid magic can't solve this. Look, I'm not a boy, I'm... I mean, I'm not a squirrel, I'm a boy! A human boy, not a real squ... Oh, leave me alone! Merlin, what will I do? She won't leave me al... Ow! I'm afraid you're stuck, lad. When a girl squirrel chooses a mate, it's for life. But I won't be a squirrel tomorrow. She doesn't know that. She only knows that you're a him and she's a her. It's a natural phenomenon. It's the... It's a state of being. A frame of mind. # It's a most befuddling thing # And to every being of every kind it is discomboomerating # You're wasting time resisting # You'll find the more you do # The more she'll keep insisting # Her him has got to be you! # It's a rough game, anyone knows Go away! # There are no rules, anything goes! # There's no logical explanation for this discomboomeration # It's a most bemuddling, most befuddling thing Oh! Whoo? Whoo? Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Get a tree of your own! Skidaddle! TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK! SQUEAK SQUAWK! TAP TAP TAP TAP You squirrelly squirrels! (LAUGHS) She's gaining on you, Wart! # There's no sensible explanation for this discomboomeration # It's a most hodge-podgical, most illogical, most confusling, most bamboozling # Most bemuddling, most be-be-befu-fu-ddling Thiiiiiing # Oooooh! Don't... don't... Oh, re-re-really, miss... ..er... Madam, I... I... er... Ooooooh! You've made a mistake. Now, now... please. (GASPS) Madam! Ma-dam! FLIRTY SQUEAK Now, look, here. I am not a boy... I mean, I'm not a squirrel, I'm a... No... madam... No, no. Oh! OH! OH! (GIGGLE) No, no, no. I'm a stupid old... OH! I'm an old man. I'm an old huuu-man! Understand? Oh, hang it all! Go away! Shooo! Impossible! Impossible! Oh, confound it! Confound it all! Merlin, I'm tired of being a squirrel. It's nothing but trouble. You've got trouble?! Look at my... Look back there! (GIGGLE) One side, lad. Whoa! HELP, MERLIN! HELP! CREAK, CREAK SQUEAK! SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK EEEEEEEEK! SQUEAK SQUEAK COOO COOO By George...! I've had enough of this nonsense! ALAKAZAM! EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! There! You see! I'm an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man! UGGGHHH! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! MERLIN! > So... here we are! Quick, Merlin, the magic! Quick, Merlin, the magic! < Snick snack snorum. Oh! There, you see? I'm not a squirrel, I'm a boy. (LITTLE SQUEAK) I tried to tell you ` I'm a human boy. (SNIFF SNIFF) If you could only understand. (SOBBING) (BOO HOO) You know, lad, that love business is a powerful thing. (SNIFF SNIFF) Greater than gravity? Well, yes, boy. In its way I'd... yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on earth. (BOO HOO, SNIFF) 1 AARRRGGH! 'Ector! 'Ector! The kitchen! The kitchen! Hold it, son! KAY! HOLD ON, I SAY! AAARRRGHH! Oh... now, what's all the commotion? The kitchen! It's under an evil spell! It's bewitched! I bet it's that old goat, Marvin! Come on, son. I knew he'd be trouble! LOUD JAZZY MUSIC GADZOOKS! Black magic of the worst kind! Come on, Kay ` to the attack! OW! AAARRRGGHH! Heaven preserve us! KAY...! OW! What have we here?! What have we here?! Jumpin' hoptoads! ALAKAZAM! Oh... oh... There you are, you old goat! (COUGH / SPLUTTER) What's the idea of flinging your evil spells all over the place?! Lend me a hand, boy! Well, what have you got to say for yourself? Hm? Do you call washing and sweeping a work of evil? I'll decide what's right and wrong around here! Besides, that's the Wart's job. And, boy, if you want the trip to London you'd better toe the mark. And, boy, if you want the trip to London you'd better toe the mark. You old goat! If I ever catch you in my kitchen again... If I ever catch you in my kitchen again... Madam, you won't! Oh, dear... He's gone. Well, by Jove. We ought to run the old geezer out of the castle. We ought to run the old geezer out of the castle. No, no, no...! He might cast an evil spell on us. Turn us all to stone. No... There's no telling what the old devil might do. He's not an old devil! He... He's good! And his magic is good, too! If you'd just leave him alone! Wart, that's three more demerits! Wart, that's three more demerits! Box his ears, Dad. Just cos you can't understand it... it doesn't mean it's wrong! it doesn't mean it's wrong! 10 more demerits! You make all the rules and nobody else can say anything! You've said plenty, boy. You just cooked your goose. KAY! From now on young Hobs is your squire. Hear that, Wart? Hobs is going to be Kay's squire. Y... Yes, sir. Y... Yes, sir. That'll teach you, you pipsqueak! Oh, I'm sorry, lad. I spoiled everything. I know that trip to London meant a great deal to you. I know that trip to London meant a great deal to you. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have popped off. Now I'm really done for. No, no, you're in a great spot, boy. It can only be up from here. I'd like to know how. Use your head. An education, lad. What good will that do? What good will that do? Get it first, then who knows? Are you willing to try? Well, what have I got to lose? That's the spirit! We'll start tomorrow! We'll show 'em, won't we, boy?! We sure will. (SIGHS) Now, first, lad, we've got to get all these medieval ideas out of your head. Clear the way for new ideas. Knowledge of man's fabulous discoveries in the centuries ahead. A great advantage. Indeed ` huh! If the boy says the world is round he'll be taken for a lunatic. The world is round?! The world is round?! Yes, yes! And it goes around. You mean it'll be round someday? You mean it'll be round someday? No, no. It's round now. Man will discover this in centuries to come And he'll also find that the world is merely a tiny speck in the universe. Universe? You're only confusing the boy. He'll get so mixed up he'll be wearing his shoes on his head. Man learns from the past. You can't learn history in reverse... it's confusing! All right! (COUGH COUGH) Have it your way, Archimedes. You're in charge, you're the headmaster. From now on he's your pupil. So, from now on, boy, (COUGH) you do as I say. Yes, sir. To start off, I want you to read these books. All of them?! > That, my boy, is a mountain of knowledge. But I can't read! But I can't read! What? What? What? Then I don't suppose you know how to write. Then I don't suppose you know how to write. No, sir. What do you know? What do you know? Well, I... Never mind... Never mind... We'll start at the bottom ` ABC. First the A, and now the B,... loop and around, and there's the C. Merlin! Look! I can write. Ah, yes, yes! Very good. Hen's scratch, that's all. Come on. D, E, F, now the G... You see, it's as simple as... No, no, no, boy! Use your head! Use your head! How will you ever learn anything? Archimedes, have you seen that flying machine... model. I have nothing to do with your futuristic fiddle-faddle ` you know that! What's that up there? Oh, yes! Here we are. You mean men will fly in one of those someday? Huh! If men were meant to fly he'd have been born with wings. I am about to prove otherwise, if you'd care to watch! Here she goes! No, no, no! Huh! Men will fly all right ` like a rock (!) (LAUGHS) It would've worked if... it weren't for this infernal beard! it weren't for this infernal beard! (UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) I never...! Men ` will ` fly!! Someday! I have been there. I have seen it. I do hope so. I've always dreamed of flying. Being a bird sailing in the sky... Avis avitis aviti avetem prestodigitonium. It's my favourite dream. But, then, I suppose everyone dreams about flying. I'm a bird! I'm a bird! I'm a bird! Hold it, boy. Not so fast. First, I'd better explain the mechanics of a bird's wing. Now, these large feathers are called the primaries. And since when do you know all about birds' wings? I have made an extensive study of birds in flight. If you don't mind...! I happen to be a bird! All right, Mr Know-it-all, he's your pupil! Ouch! Now, flying is not just some crude mechanical process. It is a delicate art ` purely aesthetic ` poetry of motion. The best way to learn is to do it. Now, since we're a long way up we'll start with a glide. Spread your wings... way out. That's it! Now fan your tail. > Tippity toe, tippity toe and off ` we go! Now, tuck your feet under. That's it. > Whoa... Whoa! Don't fight the air currents, use them! Well, I say! Boy! That's pretty good! Boy, you're a natural! Are you sure this is your first time? Wart! Wart! Hawk! Hawk! Archimedes, help! < WARRRRTTT! (PANTING) SCREEEECH! Whoa... Wh... Whoa! ACHOO! (COUGHING) > Sounds like someone's sick. How lovely! Oh, bat gizzards! It's just a scrawny sparrow with a beakful of soot. I... I'm not really a sparrow. I'm a boy. I... I'm not really a sparrow. I'm a boy. A boy?! Merlin changed me. He's the world's most powerful wizard. Merlin changed me. He's the world's most powerful wizard. Merlin?! Hah! Merlin! The world's biggest bungler! Why, boy, I've more magic in one little finger! Don't tell me you've never heard of the marvellous Madam Mim? Well, no. I don't guess so. Madam Mim?! Good heavens! My boy, I'm the greatest. I'm truly marvellous! # With only a touch # I have the power Zim zaba rim bim! Zim zaba rim bim! # To wither a flower! # I find delight in the gruesome and grim # I find delight in the gruesome and grim That's terrible! Thank you. But it's nothing for me! Cos I'm the magnificent, marvellous, mad Madam Mim. You know what? I can even change size. I can be HUGE! Fill the whole house. # I can be teeny, small as a mouse. # Black sorcery is my dish of tea. It comes easy to me. Cos I'm the magnificent, maaaarvellous, mad Madam Mim! (MAD LAUGHTER) Marvellous, boy... Marvellous! Say, lad, did you know I can make myself uglier yet? That would be some trick! I mean... Want a bet? Want a bet? BOOOO! You see! I win! I win! Aren't I hideous, boy?! Perfectly revolting? Well... yes, ma'am. But you ain't seen nothin' yet! Watch this. # I can be beautiful, lovely and fair # Siiiilvery voice... # Long purple hair # La la la la # La la la la la # La lalala la # La la la la la # But it's only skin deep # For zim zabarim ZAM # I'M AN UGLY OLD CREEP # The magnificent marvellous mad mad mad mad Madam Mim # (MAD LAUGHTER) Now, what do you think, boy? Who's the greatest? Well, Merlin's magic is always useful for something good. And he sees something good in you? And he sees something good in you? I suppose so. And in my book that's bad! So, my boy, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you. D... d... destroy me? D... d... destroy me? I'll give you a sporting chance. I'm mad about games. Come on, get going! Keep on your toes. (MAD LAUGHTER) Ah ha ha! I win! I win! Game's over. OW! Why you little devil, you! I'll wring your scrawny neck. Mim! MIM! Wh... wh... what... What are you up to?! Oh, Merlin. Well, you're just in time. We were playing a little game. We were playing a little game. She was going to destroy me. And what are you going to do about it? Want a fight? Want to have a wizard's duel? As you wish, Madam. Well, come on. Step outside. After you, Madam. What what what what's up? They're having a wizard's duel. What's that mean? They're having a wizard's duel. What's that mean? It's a battle of wits. The players change to different things in an attempt to destroy one another. D... d... destroy?! Just watch, boy. Just watch. If you don't mind I'll make the rules. If you don't mind I'll make the rules. Rules, indeed! Pah! She only makes rules to break them! I'll take care of you later ` featherbrain! Rule one ` no mineral or vegetable, only animal. Rule two ` no make-believe things like... pink dragons. Rule three ` no disappearing. Rule four ` no cheating. Rule four ` no cheating. All right, all right. Now, pace off 10. 1, 2, 3, 4,... (CACKLING) Merlin! She's disappeared! Mim! Now, you made the rules! (MAD LAUGHTER) OUCH! < Change to something else, Merlin! < Change to something else, Merlin! Yes, yes, yes! Let me think! (MAD LAUGHTER) MERLIN, HURRY! Madam, just a minute! This is not... (MAD CACKLING) Come on! Something bigger! Come on! Something bigger! Something smaller. Mi... Mi.... Mim! OOOH! (MAD CACKLE) Merlin...? < No disappearing...! (MAD CACKLING) OOOH! OOOOUUUUCCCCHH! Mim...? Mim...? Wh... wha... what's going on here? Wh... wha... what's going on here? You big blimp! AAARRGGHH! (CACKLING) Squash me, will you? RATTLE RATTLE Ah-ah, Merlin! OUCH! Bravo! Just you wait! Just you wait! EEK! So, you want to play rough, do you? All right, Merlin, I'll smash you good, you old crab! AARRGGHH! Here I come, Mim! Ready... or... NOT! Merlin, you wouldn't dare! AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaggghhhh! Now, Mim, no dragons! Remember? Did I say no purple dragons? Did I?! I win! I win! That horrible old witch! I'll... I'll peck her eyes out! No, no. He's gone! He's gone! Disappeared. 'Madam, I have not disappeared. I am very tiny. I am a germ.' 'A rare disease. I'm called malagaletalopterosis. And you caught me, Mim!' WHAT?! 'First you break out into spots... ..followed by hot and cold flushes.' 'And violent sneezing.' 'And violent sneezing.' AAAH... AAAH... AAAH... ..AAACCHHOO! Watch it, boy! RRRRGH! You...! You...! You sneaky old scoundrel. (SNIFF, SNEEZE, WHEEZE) Oh, it's not too serious, madam. You'll recover in a few weeks. You'll soon be as good ` I mean, as bad ` as ever. For now, rest. And get lots of sunshine. I hate sunshine! I hate horrible, wholesome sunshine! I HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT! > You were great, Merlin. But you could've been killed. It was worth it, lad, if you learnt something from it. Knowledge and wisdom is real power. Knowledge and wisdom is real power. Right! So stick to your schooling. Oh, don't worry. I will, sir. # We will sing all night and all day # We will fight for the blue oak tree on the field of white # For the blue oak tree on the field of whiiiiiite! # RAUCOUS LAUGHTER Here's to victory in London for my son Kay! Sir Kay! I've been knighted don't forget. Of course, son. Of course! Here's to Sir Kay! And ` who knows? ` the future king of all England! Watch it, will yer?! Kay the King?! What a dreadful thought! Sir 'Ector, Hobbs has got the mumps! He's all puffed up like a toad! > Then Kay'll need another squire, hang it all! Wart! You're it! I'm what, sir? I'm what, sir? Kay's squire. You're off to London! Oh, Sir 'Ector! Oh, Sir 'Ector! WHHAAOO! Merlin! Archimedes! Merlin! Merlin, look! I'm a squire! PAH! Oh... er... very nice, boy. Yes, indeed! A fine monkey suit for polishing boots! It's... what all the squires wear. And I thought you'd amount to something. I thought you had a few brains! Great future? Pah! A stooge for that big lump Kay! Congratulations, boy (!) What... what d'you want me to be? I'm nobody. You don't know about today. I'm lucky to be Kay's squire. Oooooh! Of all the idiotic...! BLOW ME TO BERMUDA! Where did he go? Where did he go? To Bermuda, I suppose. Where's that? Where's that? Oh, an island somewhere that's not been discovered yet. Will he... ever come back? Will he... ever come back? Who knows? Who knows anything? FANFARE FANFARE For the crown of all England, let the tournament begin! Ha ha ha ha! Now, it's the swords! Swords?! Oh, no! Kay? Kay? What? What?! I... I... forgot your sword. I... I... forgot your sword. Forgot my sword?! I... I... left it back at the inn. I... I... left it back at the inn. Why, you bungling little fool! You'd better get it, or don't you dare come back! Let me in! Let me in! Somebody, please! It's no use. They're all at the tournament. It's no use. They're all at the tournament. What'll I do? Kay must have a sword Look, boy, look! In the churchyard! Look, boy, look! In the churchyard! A sword! Archimedes, a sword! < You're going to have a time pullin' it out! < Better leave it alone! But Kay's got to have a sword! Now, come on, quick! Let's go! You're up next, son. Better get ready. You're up next, son. Better get ready. Kay! Kay! Here's a sword. > This is not my sword! Hold, on, Kay! Wait a minute... "Who so pulleth out this sword..." Oh... it's the sword in the stone! Oh... it's the sword in the stone! The sword in the stone?! It can't be! It can't be! But look, it is! It is! It is! HOLD EVERYTHING! SOMEONE'S PULLED THE SWORD FROM THE STONE! Where did you get it, Wart? Where did you get it, Wart? I pulled it out of an anvil that was on a stone in a churchyard. The lad's a young Samson (!) You're making a fool of us, boy! Now, tell the truth! You're making a fool of us, boy! Now, tell the truth! But I did, sir. Then, come on ` prove it! Back to the stone with you. Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! All right, boy. Let's have the miracle (!) Wait a minute! Anyone can do once it's been pulled. Go to it, Kay! Give it your best. Put.. your.. back.. into.. it! Let me try! Let me try! Let me! Let me try! Let me! No, it's my turn! Hold on, that's not fair! Hold on, that's not fair! I say we let the boy try it. Hold on, that's not fair! I say we let the boy try it. Yes. Give him a chance. Go ahead, son. It's a miracle, ordained by heaven ` this boy is our king! Well... by Jove! What's the lad's name? What's the lad's name? Wart. I mean, Arthur. HAIL KING ARTHUR! HAIL KING ARTHUR! (ALL) HAIL, KING ARTHUR! LONG LIVE THE KING! Hoo hoo hoo! I can't believe it! Oh, forgive me, son! Forgive me. Forgive me. Oh, please don't, sir! Kay! Bow down to your king! So, at last, the miracle had come to pass in that far off time upon New Year's Day.' 'And the glorious reign of King Arthur was begun.' I can't be a king, Archimedes. I don't know anything about ruling. I told you to leave it in the stone, boy! I'll run away. That's what I'll do. They'll just have to find someone else. Better take the side door, Wart. < (HUGE CROWD) HAIL, KING ARTHUR! LONG LIVE THE KING! There's another door over there! LONG LIVE KING ARTHUR! > Looks like we're surrounded, boy! Oh, Archimedes, I wish Merlin was here. Merlin! Merlin! Merlin, you're back from Ber... Ber... Ber... Bermuda. Yes! Back from Bermuda and the twentieth century. And believe me ` you can have it! One big modern mess! ALAKAZAM! I'm in an awful pickle ` I'm king! I'm in an awful pickle ` I'm king! He pulled the sword from the stone. I'm in an awful pickle ` I'm king! He pulled the sword from the stone. Ha ha! Of course! King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table. Round table? Round table? Oh. Would you rather a square one? Oh, no. Round will be fine. Boy, boy, boy...! You'll become a great legend. They'll be writing books about you for centuries. They might even make a motion picture about you. They might even make a motion picture about you. Motion picture? Oh... Well, um. It's something like television. Without commercials. # Hail, King Arthur! Long live the King! Able 2016