Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 TIM (voice-over): I always knew we were a fairly odd family. First there was me, too tall, too skinny, too orange. My mum was lovely, but not like other mums. There was something solid about her, something rectangular, busy and unsentimental. Her fashion icon was the queen. Dad, well, he was more normal. He always seemed to have time on his hands. After giving up teaching university students on his 50th birthday, he was eternally available for a leisurely chat or to let me win at table tennis. -(Dad grunts) -Oh, yes... Then there was Mum's brother, Uncle Desmond. Always impeccably dressed, he spent the days just, uh, well, being Uncle Desmond. He was the most charming and least clever man you could ever meet. His mind was on other things, though we never found out what. And then, finally, there was Katherine, Katie, Kit Kat, my sister. In a household of sensible jackets and haircuts, there was this-- what can I call her-- nature thing... with her elfin eyes, her purple T-shirts and her eternally bare feet. She was then, and still is to me, about the most wonderful thing in the world. -(Kit Kat whoops) -All in all, it was a pretty good childhood, full of repeated rhythms and patterns. By the time I was 21, we were still having tea on the beach every single day, skimming stones and eating sandwiches, summer and winter, no matter what the weather. -Oh! Whoa! -(laughter) And every Friday evening, a film, no matter what the weather. (thunder rumbling) And then, once a year, the dreaded New Year's Eve party. Hey. (t.A.T.u's 'All the Things she Said' playing) Yeah, I might just... get one. You're absolutely gorgeous. I'm Katie. What am I drinking? This is very expensive stuff. -Cheers. -Cheers. (Sugarbabes' 'Push the Button' plays) Shh, shh, shh! Come on, it's nearly midnight. Come on, we're all going through. -Oh, no. For goodness sakes. -We're going through. -I've gotta find you... -(partiers screaming) -Oh... oh, no! Oh, God. -Oh... Everyone makes little mistakes. It's fine, fine... Come on. (The Killers 'Mr Brightside' Playing) REVELLERS: ...six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year! TIM: Happy New Year. Sorry. (Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' plays) TIM (voice-over): And so I woke up the next morning, hungover, ashamed of myself, and not realizing it was the day that would change my life forever. (door opens) Get up, stupid. -(Tim groans) -Dad wants you. Oh, hello. Sexy pyjamas. (sighs) DAD: Ah, Tim, come in. Uh, do... sit down. That's very formal. Well, um, yeah. This is an odd moment for me, because I had the same moment with my father when I'd just turned 21, and after it, my life was never the same, so I approach it pretty, um, nervously. Okay. When you're ready. It's all very mysterious. Uh, right. Tim, my dear son, uh, the, uh... the simple fact is the men in this family have always had the ability to... This is going to sound strange. Be prepared for strangeness. Get ready for spooky time. Uh, but there's this family secret, and the secret is that the men in the family can... ...travel in time. Well, more accurately, travel back in time. We can't travel into the future. -This is such a weird joke. -It's seriously not a joke. So you're saying that you and Granddad and his brothers could all travel back in time? Absolutely. -And you still do? -Absolutely. Although it's not as dramatic as it sounds; it's only in my own life. I can only go to places where I actually was and can remember. I can't kill Hitler or shag Helen of Troy, unfortunately. Okay, stop. Um... if it's true, uh, which it isn't... -Although it is. -Although it isn't, obviously. But if it was, which it's not. -Which it is. -Which it isn't, but if it was, how would I actually... The how is the easy bit, in fact. You go into a dark place-- big cupboards are very useful, generally, toilets in a pinch-- then you clench your fists like this, think of the moment you're going to, and you'll find yourself there. After a bit of a stumble and rumble and a tumble. Wow. It's as good a reaction as any. I think I plumped for "Fuck," but it was the '70s. No, this is so obviously a joke. It's not a joke. Why would I lie to someone I'm... fairly fond of? Okay. But when I come back downstairs after standing in a cupboard with my fists clenched, you're gonna be in so much trouble. Well, let's see, shall we? Oh, and, Tim, try and do something interesting. So much trouble. I mean it, really. (chuckles) (sighs) All right. (sighs) KAT (voice-over): Dad wants you. (gasps) ( The Killers' 'Mr Brightside' playing in distance) (startled gasping) Wha...? Wow. (quiet laugh) (anxious sigh) You all right, Tim? Yes, yeah, good. Ace, yeah. -Yeah? Good, come on. -All right. It's nearly midnight -and we got to find... -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wa-hey! Midnight! REVELLERS: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year! (Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' plays) Thank you, Tim. You're welcome, Polly. (giggling) (sighs) (sighs) Does Mum know? (exhales) Not a whistle. Strange, and what about the whole... Butterfly effect thing? What can I say? We don't seem to have messed up civilization yet. It's gonna be a complicated year. It's gonna be a complicated life. What have you done with... it? For me, it's books, books, books. I've read everything a man could wish to. Twice. Dickens, three times. Any first thoughts? Well, I suppose apart from getting a slightly better haircut... -Yeah. -...money would be the obvious thing. Very mixed blessing, utterly screwed up your grandfather's life, left him without love or friends. I've never bumped into a genuinely happy rich person. It would be nice not to have to work. No, no, it's a real recipe for disaster. Look what happened -to Uncle Fred. -What happened to Uncle Fred? Absolutely sod all. Wasted his life. You have to use it for things that you really think will make your life the way you want it to be. Come on, really think about this. Well... to be honest, I suppose, at the moment, it would be just great if it could help me get a girlfriend. (Dad sighs) Wow. Massive. Yeah. The mother ship. TIM (voice-over): For me, it was always gonna be about love, and that summer I walked into the eye of the storm. Her name was Charlotte, cousin of Kit Kat's handsome but nasty boyfriend, Jimmy. And she was staying two whole months. -Just one. -Not both of them. Tim? Will you do my back? Absolutely. (laughter) Very keen. -(screams) -Oh! Oh, no. Oh, no, oh, no! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no. -Is it in my hair? -Yes. Uh... Tim, um, will you do my back? Sure, just give us a sec. Okay. Thank you. TIM: Now... Oh, nice. It's my area. TIM (voice-over): It was a summer of suntan and torture. I invited my foolish friend, Jay, around for tennis because I thought he'd make me look good. -Beauty! -Yours! (grunting) -Aah! -(voice-over): I was wrong. Ow! What are you doing? -Oh, no. -Aah! (laughter) Charlotte just made both of us look like idiots. Bad luck, Tim. (voice-over): How the hell are you meant to concentrate on your game, how are you meant to live your life, with this sort of shit going down? It never got better, until suddenly, it was almost too late. Well, um, well, Charlotte, our final lunch. KAT: No! And it's been really, really lovely having you all summer. -It has. -Thank you. -Thank you. -It has. It really has. Hasn't it, Desmond? Beg your pardon? Lovely having Charlotte here all summer, dear. Charlotte? Who's Charlotte? Come on, darling. Charlotte, sitting next to you. Oh, yes, of course. -Hi. -Of course, Charlotte. Lovely to meet you. (chuckles gently) Have you enjoyed having Charlotte here all summer, Tim? Yeah. DAD: There goes August. MUM: I've introduced him to most things. DAD: Yeah, well, you did. You were much more sophisticated than I was. MUM: In a quiet way. (romantic piano music) CHARLOTTE: Come in. -Charlotte? -Yeah? Um... As it's your last night, can I ask you a question? Oh, yeah, ask away. Oh, no, wait, um, it's not going to be about... love, is it? Love? What? Well, it's just that Kit Kat warned me that if you were to ever mention it, I should be very firm with you and tell you you must treat me like your sister and not be stupid. -(chuckles) -Or have I just made a total fool of myself and you were actually going to ask me for late-night, last-minute tennis tips. No, it-it was the love thing. Oh, well... that's very sweet of you. It's just a shame you left it to the last night. You should've tried creeping along the corridor while we still had time. Okay, the "last night" was a bad idea. Very bad idea. It feels like an ever so slightly insulting afterthought. "Last night" was never going to work. All right, good. I've got it. (heart beating) CHARLOTTE: Come in. Tim. -Charlotte. -Hi. -Hi. -Sit down. (chuckles) I know you've probably suspected this, but over the last month, I have fallen completely in love with you. Now, obviously, this-this was gonna happen, because-because you're a goddess with-with that face and that hair, but even if you didn't have a nice face, and even if you had absolutely no hair because of some bizarre medical reason, -(chuckles) -um, I'd still adore you, and I-I just wondered whether, by any chance, you might share my feelings? Wow. Tell you what, why don't we see how the summer goes and then you ask me again on my last night? Your last night? Yes. Try me on the last night. See what happens then, shall we? It's exciting. Right. No, that's a perfect plan. That's absolutely perfect-- last night. Last night. Thanks very much. Night-night, Timmy. (gentle piano music) TIM (voice-over): Big lesson number one-- all the time travel in the world can't make someone love you. CHARLOTTE: Bye! (voice-over): So the love of my life just drove away. And the very next day, it was my turn to leave. There you go. Don't spend it all at once. Thanks. Don't call too often; your mother doesn't like to be disturbed. (chuckles): Okay. Thanks. (honks horn) (engine starts) (voice-over): I caught the train to London in search of a future... and a girlfriend. I was staying in St. John's Wood, near Abbey Road, with a playwright friend of my dad's called Harry. It's always nice to have family connections when you're a new kid in town. (rings doorbell) What... the fuck... do you want? I'm James's son. Who? James Lake. What about him? He said you had a room. Go in there and wait. Quietly. I mean it-- don't make a sound... or I'll kill you. -(thump) -(Harry yelling) -(Tim exhales) -(footsteps slowly approach) I was actually having the first good idea I've had for a decade when you rang on the doorbell. But now it's gone. You little shit. How's your dad? Weird cock, I always thought. Something weird about him. -Really? -Yeah, I never really liked him much, actually. Your mum still look like Andy Warhol? What?! That, by the way, is my wife. Oh. Nice. HARRY: Yeah, you wouldn't like her at first. Sarcastic cow. But eventually you'd realize that... she's the best human being in the world. Which is why she left me, of course. Here you go. Try not to make too much noise, particularly when having sex. No chance of that. Oh, Christ, two losers in one house. -That is my daughter. -Ah. Have sex with her if you like. Apparently, everyone else has. (voice-over): It wasn't a hopeful set-up for romance. And work didn't help on that score, either. The world of law seems to be entirely full of men. -Oh, hello. I'm Rory. -Hi. Very pleased to meet you. A real thrill. (quiet laugh) Well, who knows, we might become, you know, pals, et cetera. (quiet laugh) -Who the hell are you? -Tim Lake. Well, I hope you're better than this clown. -Come on, Roger. -Oh, i-it's Rory, actually. I've been here a year and a half. I'm just saying that to be nice-- it's two years, actually. (voice-over): So six lonely months went by, and it was still just me and Harry. Me lawyering every hour of the day and night, and him putting the finishing touches to his new play. No matter how many girls there were in the world, I always seemed to end up with Rory. -RORY: Hello. -Hey. (voice-over): Until, out of the blue, on a dodgy night out with dodgy Jay, something miraculous happened. JAY (laughs): The waiters are-- wait for this, right-- they're blind. -Oh, you're kidding me! -I'm kidding you not. No. As bats. As bats. MAN (voice-over): Very good to have you here, gentlemen. I hope you enjoy your experience. Carlo will show you to your table. JAY: Great. Lead on, maestro. Right. Can I have your right hand on my right shoulder, please, and your friend hold on -to your shoulder. Thank you. -Like this? CARLO: Mind the stairs, and be prepared because... it's completely dark. Okay, gentlemen, if you don't mind, I can sit you here beside these two young ladies. JAY: No, no, sounds absolutely perfect. WOMAN: Oh, God, you sound very perky. JAY: I am. And very handsome. -(woman laughs) -WOMAN 2: Ooh. Someone's there. -TIM: Hi. -Oh, hi. I'm Mary. I'm Tim. Mary's my mother's name, actually. MARY: Oh. Does it suit her? TIM: Sort of. Although she's sturdy, so Bernard might have been a better fit. MARY (laughs): Okay. Oh! Something just touched my elbow. TIM: O-Okay, that wasn't me. MARY: Oh, no. Well, that just makes it worse. -If it wasn't you, who was it? -JAY: Well, it wasn't me, because I'm touching something else. WOMAN 1: Yes, and you will stop that -(thump) -right away, thank you. JAY: So, girls, be honest. Who is more beautiful? -WOMAN: Oh, I am. -MARY: Yeah. She is. JAY: Excellent! MARY: Actually, I look like Kate Moss. TIM: Really? MARY: No. I sort of look like a squirrel. TIM (laughs softly): Do you like Kate Moss? MARY: I absolutely love her. In fact, I almost wore one of her dresses here tonight. -You? -TIM: No, no, her clothes look terrible on me. -(Mary laughing) -TIM: Hm. -(romantic guitar music plays) -JAY: I cannot believe -that it's your birthday... -MARY: Your friend Jay, he's quite, um, enthusiastic. TIM: I actually hate him. -(Mary laughs) -What's Joanna like? MARY: Uh, she's basically a prostitute. -(Tim laughs) -Yeah. TIM: I think it's strawberry mousse. -MARY: Ooh. -Do you want some? MARY: Um, okay, I'll try it. -TIM: Okay. Where's your mouth? -Uh, it's... (both laugh) ...it's here. TIM: Okay. Mmm, there? -(splat) -MARY: Oh. -Oh, my God, what was that? MARY (laughing): That's my eye. I think there's a lot of... I've got quite a lot of strawberry mousse in my eye now. -TIM: I'm so sorry. -No. Thank you, it's a new sensation for me. (laughs) MARY: So... maybe I'll see you outside, or... TIM: Yeah. Yeah, great. MARY: Great. Scary. TIM: Yeah, it's a bit scary. Oh, my God, I'm so in there. What about you? I don't know, but she sounded... wonderful. Oh. Shh. -Joanna? -Jay. Christ, you're a babe. How do you fancy stretching the night out a bit? -I can ditch the loser. -Look, we've got to rush, but, um, help me find a cab -and I might give you my number. -Of course, yeah. Or I might not. Haven't decided yet, so... (whispers): No, I have. It's not gonna happen. (departing footsteps) (sighs) (footsteps approaching) Hi. Hi. (laughs softly) Where-where... Oh, uh, she and Jay just... she took him to... I... I don't know. Ah. Right. Oh, well, I guess I-I'd better, um... Would it... be very wrong if I asked you for your number? No. Just in case I ever, you know, had to call you about... -MARY: Stuff. -Mm. Okay. (laughs) (laughs) Would you...? (softly): It's Mary. (softly): Mary. (laughs) Okay. I thought this phone was old and shit, but suddenly it's my most valuable possession. MARY (laughs quietly): You really like me? Even... my frock? I love your frock. And, um, my hair? It's not too... brown? -I love brown. -(laughs) My fringe is new. The fringe is perfect. The fringe is the best bit. Mary! We have to go! I found a cab, and his dodgy friend is about to assault me! Okay, okay, I'm-I'm coming. (softly): Two seconds. I hope I see you again. You will. Okay. Good. Good night. TIM: Good night. # The buttons on your coat, # the colour of your hair. # I think I see you. # I want to live forever # and watch you dancing in the air. # (Harry yells) What's happened? What have you done? You poor thing. Uh, nothing. -It's just a flesh wound. -Here. Thank you. You may remember my play opened tonight. Oh, my God, yes. How did it go? Well. It went well. You could tell in the room a masterpiece was being unfurled. Really? Really. Until-- and... this is the crucial plot point, I think-- until the lead actor had the most massive dry in the history of theatre. -No, no, no. -Yes, yes, yes. He didn't just forget his lines, he forgot his lines to the extent that no actor has ever forgotten their lines before in the annals of dramatic art. The reviews won't say, "Major masterpiece gets unveiled," they'll say, "Major actor gets... Alzheimer's." It's a disaster. Is an understatement. It's the "Titanic" of play openings-- but with no survivors. No women, no children... not even Kate Winslet. All dead. -Okay. I'll see what I can do. -What does that mean? What are you gonna do, ring up every critic in London and offer them a blow job if they ignore the fact that we sat in total silence for half an hour waiting for a moron to remember one single line. Not quite that. (dramatic music) MAN: Hello? Hello. Um, Sir Tom, I'm a friend of Harry's. How's it going with the lines? I-I'm sorry, wh-what do you mean, the lines? Uh, well, it's just, you know, in the court scene, some of those lines are... pretty complex, and I just thought maybe it might be worth, you know, having one last look at the lines before you go on. A... little refresher. Fuck off out of here. -You arsing lunatic. -Okay. -Get out! You ginger twerp. -Sorry. Go on! Patronizing piece of... (groans) (muttering) (siren wailing in distance) And now the Defence. I have lived... many weary -years, but never... -(whispers): It's brilliant. in that long catalogue of wasted time have I ever seen such an atrocious miscarriage of justice. JUDGE: Do the Prosecution have anything final to add? (whispering) (quiet coughing) (audience members coughing, actor clearing throat quietly) (whispers): Sorry, excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Do the Prosecution have anything final to add? TIM (clears throat): Psst. (whispers): It's okay. Gentlemen, I regard today's proceedings with the utmost gravity. Nevertheless... let us be clear of one... ...simple and salient thing. It is the life... of a guilty man! (applause) (cheering) (indistinct chatter and laughter) HARRY: One of the actors appeared to have actually fallen asleep at one period, but... Oh, here's the little prick who walked out halfway through. You missed the best scene, you little twerp. Sorry. What did you think of the set? I thought it was incredible. Did you? I didn't. Too brown. Mary. Oh, no. She's gone. Two girls in earlier tonight. One of them the prettiest girl in the world, the other one like a sort of nice prostitute. Did you, did you get their names? Oh, yes. Uh, they left a while ago. Um, let's see. (inhales deeply) No, I'm afraid, uh, they were walk-ins, and it appears they paid by cash. Sorry, sir. Oh, that's okay. That's fine, it's brilliant. It's just the end of my life. Thanks so much. (humming) Oh, cheer up, mate-- apparently you're living with Britain's greatest living playwright. I don't usually read them, obviously, but I couldn't resist this one. "Harry Chapman found guilty of genius." (humming an upbeat melody) I have to go out right now. Why? She loves Kate Moss. (The Cure's 'Friday I'm in Love') # I don't care if Monday's blue. # Tuesday's great and Wednesday too. # Thursday I don't care about you. # It's Friday. I'm in love. # Monday, you could fall apart. # Tuesday, Wednesday, break my heart. # Oh, Thursday don't even start. # It's Friday. I'm in love. # Saturday went. # Sunday always too late. # Friday never hesitates. # Thanks for keeping me company, Kittle. Nothing better to do. How's Jimmy? -Dumped me. -Oh, not again. -And work? -They've sacked me. Idiots. -Coffee? -Please. I've only just noticed this cat in this picture. See that cat? I do see that cat. It's very good. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's her. It's her. That's her. -Bah! (laughs) -(shushes) You go, girl. Okay. Sorry. -Hi. -Hi. How are you? Uh, I'm f-- I'm fine. -It's so good to see you. -Um, uh, we've never met before. Oh, no, f-fuck. Yeah. -No, of course we haven't. -No. Sorry, I-I think you've mistaken me for someone else. Yeah-- no, no, no, no, no. Um, y-your-- uh, your name's Mary. That's, um, distinctly weird. How do you know that? Um, well, you look like a Mary. In what way? My mum's called Mary. I look like your mother? No, you're much prettier. It's a nice fringe, by the way. Oh, God, it's new and probably too short, -but, um... -No. Uh, well, gee, thank you, and, uh, um, listen, it was really nice to meet you. Uh, I should probably go because my friend's waiting for me, -and, um... -Okay, no, uh... ...you're a, you're a total stranger. Total stranger. Yeah, okay, yeah, it's crazy stuff. Yeah, kind of. Okay, bye, Mary. Bye. (groans) Oh, no. -How did it go? -No, I was very poor. -Very poor? -Very poor indeed, yeah. You got to go again. -Yeah. -You can do it. Take two. She just always-- she just... -She always looks different. -I don't know... She needs a big bit of... Sorry, it's me again. -Hi. -Sorry. Joanna, this is... -Tim. -Hello. -Nice to meet you. -Tim. Hi. Mary. Uh, Tim is a total stranger whose mother's name is Mary. Yeah, I-I just had a weird experience with Mary here of thinking she was someone else, but she wasn't, but I just wondered if I could walk round with you for a while bec-- well, because my sister Kit Kat is about to leave. Yeah, um... -Bye. -And... -Bye. Bye. And so... I-I'm, I'm about to be quite lonely. Right. Well, I think we should probably say no. Oh, no, yes, but on the other hand, he's got a quite nice smile and sort of, you know, fun hair. Yeah. All right. But you have to promise that you are not one of the following things: one-- a lunatic. Yeah. -No. -Two-- -a fringe fetishist. -(chuckles) I'm just Kate Moss's number one male fan. Oh, God. Really? -Yeah, God, yeah. -Do you agree that the magic of her lies in her history? That the informality of her early shots compared to this stuff, so you just always know that, despite the high fashion, she's still just that cheeky normal naked girl on the beach? Couldn't have put it better myself. That's absolutely it. I agree with that profoundly. Oh. Milk? Uh, yes. Sugar? No. Boyfriend? Yes. No. No, you don't have a boyfriend. Do I not look like I'd have a boyfriend? Do I look like I'd never get a boyfriend? No, that's the rudest thing I've ever heard. No, no, I-I didn't mean it like that. I just didn't expect... Is, is it quite a new boyfriend? Yes. There he is. Rupert. -JOANNA: Oh, yes, he's so cute. -Rupert? Hi, guys, sorry I'm late. With my dad. (Rupert and Mary kiss and sigh) -Hi, Rupee. -Hi, Joanna. (Joanna and Rupert laugh) Rupee? MARY: Uh, well, this is Tim... -Hi. -Hi. -...and we don't know him at all. Hey, I was thinking we could take in a film after this. -Get some mixed popcorn, share a Coke, snuggle. -Okay. (laughing): Okay. -Um... -When did you two meet exactly? Well, it was, it was only a week ago, actually. It's all been a bit of a whirlwind, hasn't it, poochy face? Oh, I'm gonna have to teach you what you can and can't say in front of people. No "poochy face"? -No. -No. -Definitely not. -Come on, come on, then. More details about this wonderful first meeting. Okay, okay. -It was, um, what, uh, Joanna? -Uh, oh, June 17. Yeah, and, uh, Jo was having a little party. Oh, yes, yes. A living hell from which Rupert, thank God, rescued me. And, and where, where was this terrible party? Oh, my brothel of a flat. Which is where, though? That's the question, isn't it? -What are you, a detective? -No, no, no, sorry, I've just got a very visual imagination. I like to imagine stuff completely. 26 Courtfield Gardens, SW5. SW5. -Around 8:30. -8:30. Um, dress code: slutty. Will that do? Absolutely, yes, although I am wondering when you got there, Rupert. Early, late? On time, I think. True love was calling. Oh, God. I-I actually feel a bit sick now. Just these muffins, I think. Never trust a blueberry. Oh... (chuckles) Um, okay, I'll be back in a tick. You two are such a lovely couple. Bit weird. Oh, he's cute. -Just... -I like him. Yeah, me, too. (dramatic music) (indistinct chatter) (Nelly and Kelly Rowland's 'Dilemma' plays) Oh, hello, do I know you? Um, no, no, no, I'm, I'm a friend of Mary's. She has another friend? -(gasps) -Yeah. Gosh, you amaze me, but hooray. Oh, uh, hot dog? -Yeah. -Took me hours. -Made them myself. -Oh, thanks. Disgusting, totally undercooked. -Mmm. -See you later. Mmm. MAN: Yeah, how's that working out? (woman laughs) Wicked. Nice. Cool, yeah. # No matter what I do, # All I think about is you. # Even when I'm with my boo, # You know I'm crazy over you. # No what I do... # -Hi. -Hi. I'm Tim. Mary. That's my mother's name, but let's not get into that. Um, so I know this is forward, but your face tells me that you're finding this party to be a living hell, so I just wondered if you might come and have a bite to eat with me instead... right now. I-I'm sorry? Okay, obviously I should have thought this through more. Um, let's talk about Kate Moss. I love Kate Moss. I always think the key thing with her is the history... -Yes. -...you know, the informality of her early shots compared to high fashion stuff, so you always know that underneath she's still just the same cheeky normal girl naked on the beach. On the beach. I agree with you completely. If we leave now, then we can have, you know, more than one starter. Oh. (laughs) I love your eyes... ...and I love the rest of your face, too. More than one starter? Ten amazing starters. Ten minutes is long enough for any party, I think. Oh, yeah. TIM: Especially that one. Evening, all. God, what a dickhead. -Yeah, ugh. -(Tim scoffs) So, what do you do? Um, I'm a reader at a publisher. No. You read for a living? Yes, that's it. I read. Oh, that's so great. -Uh-huh. -It's like someone asking, "What do you do for a living?" "I, well, I breathe. "I'm a breather. I get, I get paid for breathing." -How did you get that job? -Okay, smart-ass, what do you do? I am a lawyer-- sort of, sort of. That's sexy. Is it? I, uh, I mean, I think so. In a suit, in a court, saving people's lives. -Kind of sexy. -I guess it is, although it's not as sexy as reading. Sitting there in an office in a little chair, -reading. -Okay, okay, stop. -Ooh. -Stop. Just wait right there, mister, because, you know, a lot of books get submitted to my publisher, so it's an immense responsibility. I bet it is, but when you do normal reading... (both laugh) ...is it ruined because it's your job? You know, like prostitutes-- I always worry that when they stop being prostitutes, that they can't enjoy sex anymore. -You always worry about that? -No, no, no, -I sometimes worry about it. -Oh, good, okay, because someone who always worried about that -would be a bit of a worry. -When you read a newspaper, -do you think, "Oh, fuck, this is work"? -Have you interviewed -a lot of prostitutes to ease your worries or...? -When-when you read a menu, do you think, "No, I'm not reading this unless you pay me hard cash." How many prostitutes will you need to talk to before this issue is solved? I mean, are you planning to head to Eastern Europe and Thailand? (both laughing) (Mary chuckles) Um, would you like to walk me to my car? -Yes. -Okay. Why not? Sounds like a good idea. -What about you? -Uh, yeah, I have three older brothers. Oh, God. -Yeah. -Where are they? (both laugh) Behind you. (conversing indistinctly) Did you have trouble parking? (both laugh) Pardon? It's just such a long way to your car. Oh, yeah, well, my car's actually parked outside my house. I got a lift to the party. Okay. That's good, that's perfect. Okay. And here we are. My God. Yeah. Car, house. House, car. -It makes perfect sense. -Mm. It's very logical. Christ. (laughs) Um... um... keys. Um... I'm gonna go into the bedroom and put on my new pyjamas. Right. And then in a minute you can come in and take them off... if you want to. One minute. Hi. Oh, God, oh, are you... -Are you okay? -Yeah. (both chuckle) -Sorry. -That's okay. (sighs) (kissing) (Mary sighs) (Tim grunts) Oh, it's, it's a front opener. It's a what? It-- oh-- it opens from the front. Yeah, no, yeah, of course. -Okay. -Thanks. Sure. -(snaps) -Ooh-- oh, well done. (Mary laughs) I'm sure it'll be better next time. I-I thought it was pretty lovely. Right, no, it was really lovely. Mm-hmm. In fact, can you just give me one minute? Okay. (heart beating) Hi. Dangerous. Oh... you really know your bras. I like to think so. (chuckles) Well done. Some people make a real mess of it the first time. Amateurs. (Mary chuckles, Tim sighs) Could you give me one second? (heart beating) Sure. -(gasps) -I couldn't wait. Oh... my... goodness. (both moaning) Best night of my entire life, and now I've got a suspicion I'm going to have the best sleep of my entire life. Oh, so once is enough for my perfect guy? I'm not sure that's entirely fair. (Mary gasps) -TIM: Okay. -MARY: Oh, my God, we're late. No, we're not. Okay, it'll be fine. It's only... Oh, my God. TIM: Okay. # How long will I love you # As long as stars are above you Bye. # Longer if I can Are you okay? # How long will I need you? Oh, we're in trouble, then. # As long as the seasons need to Ah. I'm taking you home! MARY: I don't want to go home. (squeals) # How will I get to you? -TIM: I'll see you tonight. -Bye. Bye. # As long as I live No! # However long you say # How long will I love you? # As long as stars are above you # Longer if I may. # You're dying. No, not that bad. -I'm dying? -No. My parents are in town. They're visiting, and they're coming around. Oh, God. Parents? American parents? -Mm-hmm. -When? Now. Yeah, they told me and I didn't tell you, and I thought they'd cancel, 'cause they normally do, and they didn't. -Now now? -Now now. Now. So you should probably put on some pants. Oh. God. Okay, okay. -TIM: Um... -I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Do-do-do they know I exist? Uh, yeah, I've mentioned something like you, but nothing very specific. Um, oh, yeah, they're quite conservative, so maybe not those pants. (doorbell buzzes) Okay. Yeah. Uh... oh... Oh, God. Okay... (doorbell buzzes) Um... Could y-you just, um, stall them? -(doorbell buzzes) -Stall them. (groans) -Come on up. -What?! I'm sorry. They don't like waiting. -Okay. Um... d-do I live here? -Oh, definitely not. Okay, um, a-are we having sex? Uh... yeah, but not oral. -I wasn't gonna mention oral. -Okay, good. Don't. (laughs) How did you think that was gonna come up? Could you help me with this, please? MARY: I don't know. If it does, just... deny it completely. Well, who's gonna bring it up, your dad? "Tim, had any cunnilingus with my daughter recently?" Well, you never know. -Okay. -Okay. -Yeah. -Ready? -Yeah. -(knocking on door) -Th-They're there. -(doorbell rings) -Ooh, they are, yeah. Okay. -Right behind you. Right. Okay. (Mary gasps) -(laughs): Dad! -Hi, sweetie. -Mom! -Hi, honey. Oh, uh, this is Tim. Hello, sir. -Ma'am. -Hi. DAD: Well, should we come back when you haven't got any company, or...? Oh, well, that would be, uh, quite difficult, because Tim actually, uh... lives here. Really? With you? Yes... Yeah, but no oral sex, I promise you. I beg your pardon? Excuse me. So, Tim... tell us, where are you from, which part of the country? He's from Cornwall. Yeah. It's really pretty. It's, um, it's that little bit right at the end, sort of looks like a shoe. And you're a lawyer, is that right? Yep, yep, that's right. And he never loses. You don't think he's gonna win, and then he just pulls something out of the bag, and wouldn't you know, he wins again. Do you ever answer any of your own questions? -I... -Yes, he does. Usually he does, but not today, because I'm doing all the talking, because I'm really nervous, and I... I kind of love him, and I... I just, I want you to, too. Oh, honey... Sorry. Tim... over to you. Shoot. Uh, yeah, I think my dad... -Can I just say one more thing? -Yeah. Yeah. -Can I just say one more thing? Thank God that's over. I got given two tickets for the National Theatre tomorrow. -Do you want to come? -Oh, no. So not. I'm just gonna sleep all day. Well, I don't see why going to the theatre should get in the way of that. Many of the best sleeps in my life have happened in the Royal Shakespeare Company. (laughs): No, you take someone else. I really like bed, and I really hate theatre. Quite right. But what kind of sad act is gonna be free on a Saturday night? With no day's notice. Whoo! Bravo! -Oh, my God, it's Charlotte. -Who? -It's my first love. -Where? -There. Under the exit sign. -The old woman? TIM: No, not the old woman. -The astonishing blonde. -The one with the dark hair? No, blonde. Blonde means blonde hair, doesn't it? Off the stage. Okay, you stay there. I mean it. Stay. # It seems we stood and talked # Like this before... Charlotte. Oh, my God. Tim! Oh, how fabulous to see you. (laughs) Wow, I... This is my girlfriend Tina. Tim. Oh. Oh. That is so brilliant. Well, hello, Tina. -Why is it brilliant? -Uh, well, you know, there are certain moments in your life that scar you for life-- Charlotte's rejection of me is one of those moments, but now I know she's got a... girlfriend, well, that's just a huge burden suddenly lifted off my mind. I-I can be a confident heterosexual all over again. Not... that kind of girlfriend. What? You think I'm gay? No. No, of course not. No. It's... girl friend. Yes. No. Wow. Yeah, friend who is a girl, which you so clearly are. I'm just gonna go and get, uh, boyfriend. Who is a boy. Oh, my God. Tim! -Yeah. Oh. -Oh, how lovely to see you. Look at you. Wow! This is my girlfriend Tina. Oh. Hello, Tina. Although, you should be a little careful with that, by the way. Uh, there are still quite a lot of us old-fashioned types about who interpret "girlfriend" as meaning gay. So if you say that Tina's your girlfriend, people will assume that you're gay. I am gay. Are you? Do you have a problem with that? No, I don't. I love that stuff. I'm just gonna... Wow. I've just seen the girl who broke my heart -three summers ago. -Let's go say hello. No, let's let sleeping dogs lie. Come on. RORY (voice-over): Best night of my life. I always loved this area; it's so bustling. And, I mean, those pictures, full of colour-- just makes me so happy when -I'm round here; all the colours. -Tim? -Oh, Charlotte! -Tim! How lovely to see you! What a surprise. Wow. Sorry, this is, um, this is my girlfriend Tina. -RORY; She's gay. -Shut up. Uh, yeah. Hello, Tina. Look at you. You know, it just never even occurred to me you existed outside of Cornwall. And we're about to go get dinner, but it'd be great to hang out sometime. -Yeah, sure, yeah, that'd be... I'd love that. -Oh, send my love -to little Kit Kat. How is she? -Uh, she's okay. She's not finding London totally easy. Right, right. Well, Jimmy says he sees her sometimes. Really? Since when? You knew there was always something there. -Sorry. Um, you are...? -Very well, thank you. Well, she means your name. -Oh. Roger. -No, it's not. I-It's not, it's Rory. -Nice to meet you, Rory. -Yeah. Um, right, sorry, we should get going. Uh, it was really great to see you. -You, too. -I'll see you soon. Yeah. Bye. God, she is beautiful. She's so beautiful, if you had sex with her, you'd die. You're just die. You'd open her shirt, you'd see her breasts, and your eyes would explode. You'd have to sex with her blind, -and then you'd die. -Well, you'll notice she -didn't give me her number... -Tim. I, um, I told Tina to go have dinner on her own. You hungry? -Um, yeah. Of course. -Great! Bye, Roger. Oh, yeah, e-excellent. Thanks again for the play. -Triumph. -CHARLOTTE: Where do you want to go? Um, uh, well, we're... (laughs) I can't compete. (laughing) You know... I'm starting to think we slightly wasted that summer holiday. If we could travel back in time, maybe I wouldn't have said no. I'm, um... I'm just staying around the corner. Can you walk me home? Yeah. -Yeah? -Yeah. Of course, yeah. (chuckles, inhales) (elevator bell dings) -(sighs): Well, here we are. -Mm. (nervous laugh) It's a lot nicer... inside. I'm sure it is. Mm-hmm. -So... -So... um, so... s... so... lovely... to see you, Charlotte. What a night. Um, total joy, but I-I've got to... get back. Because there's something very important that I have to do. Right now. (upbeat piano music) (music continues) (panting) -Wake up... -Mm? -Wake up. -What? -Mary... -(groans) would you like... -Shh. -to marry... Don't be so selfish; I'm sleeping. (whispers): It's bad. Right. That went very well. (heart beating) -(romantic music playing) -Wake up. Huh? (whispers): Wake up. Come and have a chat. Why? I've got something important to ask you. Uh... can't it wait till morning? Not really. But I'm so comfy. I was having the loveliest dream. What is it? Why is there music on? It's got something to do with what I want to ask you. (groans) Wait a minute. Romantic music. Guy with important question. Are you on your knees? On his knees. Mmm. Were you so bored in the play, you decided to ask me to marry you afterwards? Huh? Something like that. Yeah. Exactly that... in fact. Will you marry me? Any thoughts on the answer? Yes? No? Get out of my life, loser? They're all possible. I think I'll go for... (inhales) ...yes. (whispers): Thank you for asking me. And thank you for not going for one of those melodramatic proposals with lots of people around. I hate other people. (whispers): Me, too. (scoffs softly) I'm just gonna turn off the radio. Okay. Good idea. Shh, shh. -(music stops) -(whispers): Thanks, guys. Sorry, she's a bit tired. Oh. We really appreciate it. Can you go? TIM: Um, here. Wow! That's so beautiful. Oh, if they offer you tea, just say no. No? Hello. Mum, this is Mary. -Mary! -Hi. Good Lord, you're pretty. Oh, no, it's just... I've got a lot of mascara and lipstick on. Let's have a look. Oh, yes. Good. It's very bad for a girl to be too pretty. It stops her developing a sense of humour. Or a personality. -(Mary laughs) -Tea? I'd love a cup of tea. Oh, Christ, that's the whole day gone. (indistinct chatter, laughing) -MARY: Oh, skipping stones. -MUM: They've been doing this since he was about this high. And what are your faults? I mean, little weaknesses. Oh, uh... (laughs) Uh... Well, I'm very insecure. Sweet. Okay. I, um, I have a very bad temper sometimes. Crucial. How else are you gonna get a fella to do what you want? (laughs) Oh, and, of course, I have, um... -I have a weakness for your son. -So do I. But best not to tell him. Don't want him getting cocky. (laughs) (imitates smacking a ball): Pow... Pow! I'm so good without the ball. (imitates smacking a ball): Pow... pow... What do you think of her? I like her more than you already. (gasps) Oh, look! I'd forgotten this! -Jimmy Fontana, "Il Mondo." -Greatest record ever recorded by an Italian who looks like he's got a dead badger on his head. -And you've got the album! -Yes! Check out those specs! (laughing) Come on! On with the game! Right. And what an extraordinary game this is. For the first time a father and son are playing each other in the World Table Tennis Final and neither of them are Chinese. Tremendous play from the old World Champion and his son, the first openly ginger British table tennis player, but there are signs the youngster's beginning to crack. -There are tears in his eyes. -There are not! DAD: There soon will be! (laughing) MARY: Hey. Hey. I didn't know you were here. Yeah. I just popped down for a while. Oh, okay. What about the job? -(grunts) -TIM: Oh. So, how long have you been here? Couple of weeks. Gosh. So life in London... Horrid. Okay. Um, is Mary here? Yes. -Where? -Uh, downstairs. Uh, you be gentle. Be gentle. -(gasping) -DESMOND: Ooh, careful! Mm! Mm! Mm! MARY: Yeah, nice to see you, too. Yeah, I'm trying to make a good impression. -Yeah, you make a good impression. -(glass clinking) Uh, right. Right, sorry. Um, sorry. -I-I've got an important announcement to make. -Exciting. TIM (clears throat): We've decided, after a little bit of thought, -to get married. -(squeals, laughter) DESMOND: That's wonderful news! Who are you getting married to? To Mary. Over there. Oh, thank God for that. Jolly embarrassing if it had been another girl. Imagine that. MUM: We're so pleased. Oh, oh, no, sorry. Um, yeah, uh, by the way, the wedding will be quite soon... uh, because we're having a baby, too. (excited shouts, laughter) -You're pregnant? -Yeah. -Ah. Who's the father? -Oh. Well, Tim, I hope. (sighs): Oh, thank God for that. Jolly awkward if it'd been another fellow. Mm. Mm-hmm. We have to decide tonight. -What? -Everything. I mean, the only thing you've decided about our wedding is that I'm coming down the aisle to the sound of some Italian weirdo singing a song called "Il Mondo." Excellent song. To which I have said a definitive no. So here's the deal. I will take off one item of clothing for every decision you make. Okay. You have my attention, young lady. Right. Um... where would you like to get married? Home. I'd hate anywhere else. Okay. -Oh, my God. -Good. -Who should the priest be? -It'll have to be the local bloke with yellow teeth and the massive uni-brow. Okay. That's a lock for Hagrid. Um... -best man. -(quietly): Damn. -Best man. Now. -Oh, no, this is so hard. It's lose-lose, you know. You piss off all the ones you don't pick, and then you end up hating the one you do pick, because he makes a bad speech and ruins the day. Do you want to see these puppies or not? Yes, I do. -Jay. Oh, -It's your choice. he's my best friend, but he's a moron. Yeah, he will mess up everything. -Rory. -Sure. -No, Harry. Harry. -Harry it is. Let's do this. -Uh, R-Rory. Sorry. -What?! That's such a cheat. Oh...! Okay, fine. Honeymoon. Bed-and-breakfast in Scotland. I am not taking my pants off for Scotland. But it's all we can afford. Take off your pants. -I will not. -Take off your pants! MARY (squeals): I want two weeks in Bali! TIM: Take off those pants! (thunder rumbling) (overlapping chatter) Have you planned a break? No. ("Il Mondo" playing) Oh, no. WOMAN: Oh, that's so sweet. (chuckles) Is that you? It wasn't me. ("Il Mondo" continues playing) It's for you. (mouthing Italian lyrics) -Oh! God, no! -Oh! Oh! -I've got it, I've got it. -Oh, no, I'm caught. -(laughs) -Help me! Yes. (woman screams) (indistinct chatter) Right, follow me! (screaming) My gosh! (screams) Oh, my God! Ow! Oh, God! (both laughing) I'm so happy that we... Good. It's a joke. (screaming and laughter) Here. Yes, come on. (Mary squeals, Tim laughs) (indistinct chatter) (creaking) (screaming) (gasps) (laughter) (screaming) (screams) (applause) -RORY: Hello. -(Kit Kat whoops) I'm Rory. Um, whe-whe-when Tim asked me to be his, his best man, um, I was terrified, so I thought, um, best thing is to find a book about speeches, and, um, here it is, and, um, it says, "Think of really funny anecdotes," um, and there is a very hilarious story, actually, from work. Um, it was, it was quite a complicated case based on an issue of cross-amortization of ownership of post-divorce properties, and, um, uh, let me just explain the context. Uh, the defendant... When Tim asked me to do his best man speech, my immediate reaction was, uh, "How much are you gonna pay me, you little shit? I don't write for free, you know." These were the girls available to him at that time-- hello, girls-- and this is how far he got with each of them. Let me explain the code. Five-- blow job. (gasping and laughter) Eight-- full penetrative... And so, uh, a toast to the man with the worst haircut but the best bride in the room. -(laughter) -Yeah. -Ladies and gentlemen, Tim and Mary. ALL: Tim and Mary. That's us. I wish I'd said "I love you." You did, Dad. It was implied. I'm not sure "implied" is good enough for a wedding day, are you? No, don't, don't do it; it's fine. I'm so ha-- I'm so happy with it as it was. You really don't have to. I'll do what I want to do, young man. Will you excuse me for just one moment? (heart beating) Later on I may tell you about Tim's many failings as a man and as a table tennis player, but important first to say the one... big thing. I've only loved three men in my life. My dad was a frosty bugger, so that only leaves dear Uncle Desmond... um, B.B. King-- obviously-- and this young man here. I'd only give one piece of advice to anyone marrying. W-We're all quite similar in the end. We all get old and tell the same tales too many times. But try and marry someone... kind, and this is a kind man with a good heart. (chuckling): I'm not particularly proud of many things in my life, but I am very proud... to be the father of my son. I'm so sorry to disturb you, uh, but I wonder if I could have your autograph. No... no. -(woman scoffs) -I'm at a wedding, for God's sake. I'm here to celebrate true love, not... scribble my illegible signature on stupid bits of paper that you can flog on eBay so that, at the next wedding, you can wear a less hideous hat. I see you've met my Aunt May. Oh, God. People should wear name tags. You next, Kittle Kattle. I don't know, Uncle D. Boys aren't very nice. Aren't they, darling? Not in my experience. They're always taking liberties, not giving much back in return. -Hmm? -It's yummy. JIMMY: Yeah? I like the way you say "yummy." (waitress laughs) Do you wish we'd picked another less wet day? No, no. Not for the world. Whew. (chuckles) And so it begins. Lots and lots of types of days. Fun. Posy. Posy she is. -Oh... -The most beautiful girl in the world. -(Posy crying) -It's okay. You want your daddy. Yes, I know. Aw... There. TIM (voice-over): No one can ever prepare you for what happens when you have a child, when you see the baby in your arms and you know that it's your job now. No one can prepare you for the love and the fear. Oh, she's lovely. You were such an ugly baby. -(chuckles) -More chimpanzee than child. -(laughs) -I remember the first time I saw you, I thanked God we were in driving distance of London Zoo. -(laughter) -DESMOND: Come on, hand over the little bugger. Let's see if she bounces. Oh, a-a-are we sure...? MARY: Yeah, she definitely will bounce. Oh, look. She can do anything. -Look. -Hello. DESMOND: Sweetheart. TIM (voice-over): No one can prepare you for the love people you love can feel for them. That's quite, quite incredible. You've just slain your master. TIM (voice-over): And nothing can prepare you for the indifference of friends who don't have babies. Do you want to go to Uncle Jay, huh? No, no, no, thanks, it's fine, it's great. TIM (voice-over): And it's a shock how quickly you have to move to a new place you completely can't afford. -(gasps) -Look what we found. Look who it is. Hello. Honey. Sorry. (voice-over): Suddenly time travel seems almost unnecessary because every detail of life is so delightful. DAD: Thank you very much. If you ever wonder if I want... Doo-doo-doo-doo- doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. What's his name? Horace, I think. Of course it is. Only one important thing for a godfather, I'm told. Never bring a present smaller than the child. Oh, shut up, you smug bastard. Oh, don't worry, I didn't bring anything at all. She'll never know. Hasn't got a brain yet. I didn't expect to see you here, Harry. Children's party is not exactly your style. No, Mary, I was tricked. I was told there'd be free booze. -(protesting) -MARY: Oh! It's a party. I hate kids, as you know. Where-Where's Kit Kat, by the way? -I don't know, she said she'd be here around 3:00. -POSY: Uh-oh. And you know we got purple cupcakes for her especially. -(knocking on door) -Ooh-- ah. -Here she is. -Ah, well, speak of the devil, that will be her. Well, we'll wait -till Aunty Kit Kat gets here. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey. Jimmy. Where's my sister? Thought she was here. No, she hasn't arrived. That's not good. What does that mean? Um, we had a-an argument this morning over nothing, but, uh, she-she'd been drinking, so... And then she ran out to get the car to come here, and I told her to meet me here, so she should be... TIM (voice-over): There's a song by Baz Luhrmann called "Sunscreen." He says worrying about the future is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life will always be things that never crossed your worried mind. (tires screeching) What happened? We had a fight... and... maybe I wasn't completely sober. How is she? Not good. When did she leave you? From where? I want it exact-- exact time, exact address. (heart beating) (indistinct voices overlapping) Ah, here we are. Sorry, sorry. Come on. Oh, God. -MARY: Hi. -There she is. Hey. Does a small baby live here? (laughing): Yes, and she's so excited. She's downstairs. (laughter) Happy birthday, Posy. (gasps) Oh, oh! (laughs) I'm sorry, I had to pick up Kit Kat. I thought she was gonna drive herself. Turns out she couldn't. She okay? Later. I'm worried about Kit Kat. Yeah, I know. She was drinking wine while we were drinking tea, and Jimmy wasn't nice to her, and she spurned the purple cupcakes. We have to do something to fix it. Yeah, but, you know, if it's gonna be fixed, I think she probably has to do it herself. Maybe, maybe not. My darling, what's happened? You're the best person in the world. You're top equal with my wife. I don't get it. Maybe, just maybe... I'm the faller. Every family has, like, someone who falls, who, who doesn't make the grade, who stumbles, who life trips up. Maybe I'm our faller. No... no. Okay, I'm gonna tell you a secret, and you have to promise to keep it. We've always kept secrets. -We have? -Mm-hmm. You promise you won't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tell? Yes. I can travel in time. Why are we standing in the cupboard under the stairs? Because we're gonna go back in time, and you're gonna do some things differently. I love it when you're funny. Grab my hand, close your eyes. (muffled party music playing, people conversing indistinctly) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my arsing God in a box. (Sugarbabes' 'Push The Button' plays) You're kidding. I can go anywhere in time, and you bring me back to the worst party of all time. Afraid so. Let's go. We've got work to do. What work? Making sure you do not meet Jimmy Kincade. Quick, in here. But he's about to fall in love with me. Not this time he isn't. JIMMY: Well, who's the pretty-looking girl? It's Jennifer, isn't it? Yeah. Wild! I like your skirt, Jennifer. JENNIFER: Thank you. Right, I get it. If he hadn't met me, he would have just had sex with someone else. Nip it in the bud, eh? Excuse me, Jimmy. JENNIFER: Sorry. Do, do I know you? Yeah, you do... very well. Sorry. Um, and this is what I, what I should have done right at the start. (Kit Kat grunting, others gasping) Um, happy New Year, everybody. -Happy New Year, happy New Year. -Okay, and back to the cupboard. Hi, Dickie. Amazing. What happens now? God knows. What I'm hoping is that, from this moment on, you avoid the sleazy bad guys because they're sleazy and bad. When did you get so serious? Since it occurred to me that I might lose you. Brace yourself. This could be weird. Things will have changed. (heart beating) (squeals) JAY: Come on. Oh, my God. What? Jay. -Jay Jay? -Yes. And, um, he's adorable. Oh, my God. Right, let's do this. Come on, you two. Mum's just cracked open a packet of biscuits. (low, indistinct conversation) MUM: Leave-leave the rest for Uncle D. It's just tidying, really. -Hey. You all right? -Hi. Yeah. Missed you. Your mum wants me to do some gardening. Okay. -MUM: Just needs a tidying up. -Right. (muffled): Here we go. This is what we're looking for, okay? -All this. -Dead stuff. And if you find... JAY: Torn them to shreds, haven't they? MARY: How did everything go? Immensely satisfactory. I'm so happy. -(chuckles) -Oh. I want to hear all about it. Um, will you do dinner for us because there's something I have to do before 6:00 or I'll get fired. Yeah, can't think of anything I'd love to do more. Okay, where is the most fabulous person in the world? Come to your dad and get mashed up food shoved into your mouth! (splutters) Hello there, little boy. You just wait there, and I'll be back in a minute. (door closes) (heart beating) Dad? Can I have a quick word? Yeah, sure. TIM (voice-over): I can't go back past the birth again, can I? No, I should've mentioned that. You're okay till it comes out, but the exact sperm at the exact moment got you this particular baby, so if you do anything the tiniest bit different, you-you'll have a different child. So every day up till yesterday is as it will always be-- lost. Just like for everyone else. Okay. Interesting. Tough. I love you, Dad; I've got to go. (tires squealing) Go home. TIM: No, we're not leaving this room until we find a way of making sure this never happens again. Will you go now? I have to leave Jimmy, don't I? For good. And... I have to stop drinking. Stop leaving jobs. And I have to go out with someone nice and boring. (quietly): Yay. (chuckles) And you know, nice isn't necessarily boring. Like who? Matt Damon? Okay. I'll go out with Matt Damon. TIM: Tell me, have you seen Jay recently? -Your Jay? -Mm. What, sticky-up hair Jay? Looks a bit like a Muppet Jay? Yes. He just popped into my head. He's always had a crush on you. Really? Yeah. Weird. Thinking of asking him to dinner. Are you free? Might be. Might have to freshen up a bit first. Yeah, you look shit. (chuckles) MARY: Joanna? JOANNA: Oh, thank Christ you're back. -Hey. -It's been a total nightmare. I know. It's all fine, anyway. Where is she? Single worst night of my life. Where is Posy? -MARY: She's okay. -There she is. Hello! -(Posy crying) -Hello, hello. Darling, how are you doing? (clunk) Let's have another one. Oh, screw that. No. That hurt, and I got fat, like fat-fat. -(laughter) -Got a little bit fat, didn't she? Tell Mummy you want a sister. No, tell Daddy you're happy being an only child. Tell Mummy... TIM (voice-over): Fortunately, we are young and careless, and it wasn't long before there were four of us. And this is incredible. Posy Lake, only three years old, is about to break the women's ten-meter Olympic record. They're gonna do it, and here they are. They've done it. Fantastic. Yeah! That was brilliant. You're so good. Sleeping right through all that. Can you help me? I'm so nervous. What do I wear for dinner with our best-selling author? Let me finish up with the monsters, and I'll come right up. Great, great, thank you. Go again. Okay, how about this? That's gorgeous; job done. Yeah. No, take it seriously. -Mm-hmm. -It's... I don't know. No, I hate it. -Yeah. -It's boring, and makes me look kind of lumpy. Yeah, no, you're right; it is boring and lumpy. I hate it. Okay, what about this? Gorgeous. We did it. (gasps) No, it's too breasty. Is it? -Okay? -It's not too breasty. No, I'm not wearing these heels. -I look like a prostitute. -Well, not high heels then. Yeah, but then we have the short legs problem. Okay, well, do you want to look like a prostitute or a dwarf? Warning. That's a warning. Yes. No. No. Now, that, I like. No, I'm just picking up the dress that this goes under. Such a bad boy. This one? -Not bad. -Or this one? Trick question, isn't it? Same dress. No. No? Okay, I don't think this one's too bad. Yeah, it's fabulous. Really? Yeah. -Mm! -Okay, great. Good. Um, how about the blue one? -Blue one? -Yeah. Yeah, the first one that you tried on that was boring and lumpy, but that wasn't actually boring and lumpy? That one? -Yeah, which do you prefer? -I don't know. I'm actually starting to go mad. -Okay, I think I like the blue one. -Okay. Yeah. Okay, okay, let's go with this one then. You look amazing. -Really? -Yes. Okay, thanks. (sighs) Oh, God. Where is... where is Posy? Uh, I left her downstairs. Not leaving the door open to the room with the manuscript in it? Uh... I don't think so. (door closes) Look at me, look-look me in the eye -Mm-hmm. -and talk me through this. -Well... Okay. -Basically, my life is over. I really need to go out, for just, like, two minutes, maybe one. -(phone ringing) -Don't you dare. -Okay, I'm just... -Don't you dare answer that! What am I gonna do? I think we should really answer the phone. If you answer the goddamn phone, I will kill you -with the phone. -I won't answer the phone, but I do, I do need to get out, so... -I need... -No, no getting out. -No getting out, no. -Okay, right. (groans) Sorry, Mr. McEwan. We read most of your book, but you see, the rest of it was, um, coloured or shredded. Yeah. I-I had no idea Posy actually knew how to use that machine. -(ringing resumes) -In a way, that's impressive. What is it? What? How can I help you? Oh, Mary. Uh, no. Everything... Sorry. Um, your son will explain. It's your mother. Hi, Mum. No, no, it's okay. We'll... we'll come straight down. Okay, good-bye. (bell rings) Hello, darling. Mum, how are you? Honestly? Why not? I am fucking furious. I am so uninterested in a life without your father. Mary, come on, let's make some tea. Yeah, okay. How are you? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. -Did you eat? Yeah? -Yes, of course. Desmond? How are you? I'm very well, thanks. Though a little hot. (quiet laugh) Your father, I think, is not so well. Cancer. Yes. I'm very unhappy about it, Tim. At your wedding, he said he loved me. -He does. -I know. That was the best day of my life. So this is probably the worst. Dad? Oh, for God's sake. Not you, too. -What? -Well, Kit Kat's just rolled up, blubbing her eyes out, and now you're here. What's Mum been saying? The truth. Yeah, well, apart from that... (chuckles) It may have been the smoking, but I couldn't undo that, as it was before you were all born. But anyway, your mother definitely wouldn't have gone out with me if I hadn't been such a sexy smoker. (chuckles) I did get diagnosed as soon as possible, but it was too late. How long have we got? Oh, you know, it-it could be years. How long really? (sighs) Weeks, I'm afraid. Have we had this conversation before? Yeah. What happened? I rather let myself down. I hugged you. Oh. (wry laugh) Sorry, I think I just... thought with the time thing... No, I never said we could fix things. I specifically never said that. Life's a mixed bag, no matter who you are. Look at Jesus; he was the Son of God, for God's sake, and look how that turned out. I know, but... You must see I feel a bit cheated. Don't. In fact, feel the opposite. The only people who give up work at 50 are the time travellers with cancer who want to play more table tennis with their sons. Right. So that's been the deal? I'm sorry we had to call. It suddenly got very bad. And I have something very important to tell you. Or let me check. Do you want to know the big secret, or would you rather find it out for yourself like I did? Oh, Christ, there's another secret? Less traumatic, much more important. The real mother ship. Oh, go on. Tell me. Let's save some time. TIM (voice-over): And so he told me his secret formula for happiness. Part one of the two-part plan, was that I should just get on with ordinary life, living it day-by-day, like anyone else. (engine starts) This is our current statement with a revised, uh, paragraph there, highlighted. "...statutory objective under..." (sighs) etcetera, etcetera... Rupert-- Rupert, is that the best you can do? No. No, absolutely not. We can change that. MAN: Item number two? RORY: Uh... -Hi. -WOMAN: Good afternoon, sir. Eating in or taking away today? -Um, take away, please. -Yeah? No problem. Lovely. That's 4.24 then from you, sir. -Thank you kindly. -Thanks. Lovely, and here's your change, sir. Great. 26 pence change. -Thanks. -Thank you. Hello there. Are you eating in or taking away? Do you find the defendant, John Welbeck, guilty or not guilty of fraud? Not guilty. And that is the verdict of you all? -Yes. -Thank you, you may be seated. Thank God. JUDGE: Let the defendant be discharged. CLERK: Be upstanding in Court. (rock music playing in earbuds) Lights out? TIM: Yeah. Tough day. TIM (voice-over): But then came part two of Dad's plan. He told me to live every day again, almost exactly the same. The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, but the second time, noticing. Okay, Dad. Let's give it a go. What's our statement at the moment? Uh, this, uh... this is it with the revised... -Yeah. -...statutory legal obligation. (conversation continues low and indistinct) This... is this, the best you can do? No, I'll... I'll leave you two to thrash this out. Ooh. (laughter) -Good afternoon, sir. -Good afternoon. Are you eating in or taking away today? -Take away, please. -Yeah? No problem. Would you like a bag? -That's fine. -Lovely; that 6.23 then. Enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you. Bye-bye. Hello there. Oh! Oh! Look around you! -What? -Isn't this room beautiful? Yeah, I... -All right, come on. -What? Not guilty. Oops. So not such a bad day after all? No, it's pretty good, really. Very good day, actually, as it turns out. Well, that's a relief, because if it had been a very bad day, I thought I might have had to have had sex with you to make up for it. Good night. Mm. Hmm. It was a very, very bad day. It went very, very badly. I-I-I got fired from my job. and then I killed a man. That is a very bad day. -It's terrible. -Yeah. Like, the worst day ever. So sorry. TIM (voice-over): Some days, of course, though, you only want to go through once. (whispering): You okay? (sniffles) MUM: Right. Are we ready for this? Course we're not. Hateful day. TIM: Just, um, give me one minute. (sombre piano music) # ...won't have to touch a hair on your head. # I'll leave you as you are. # He felt he had to direct you, direct you into my arms... # DAD: This is so brilliant. Dickens is so good on actual jokes, actual... gags. Where have you come from? It's the... Oh, okay. Big day. Thanks for dropping in. How's Uncle Desmond's suit? Oh, immaculate. DAD (chuckles): Excellent. Did I mention I wanted the Nick Cave track? -It's taken care of. -Thank you. Can I just read you this one bit? Read away. I've got lots of time. "I think the Romans must have aggravated one another "very much with their noses. "Perhaps they became the restless people "they were in consequence. "Anyhow, Mr. Wopsle's Roman nose so aggravated me during the recital of my misdemeanours..." #...into my arms. # Oh, Lord, into my arms. # Oh, Lord, into my arms. # Oh, Lord, into my arms. (crying) It's okay, darling. It's fine. # But I believe in love. # And I know that you do too. # And I believe in some kind of path # that we can walk down, me and you. # So keep your candles burning, make the journey bright and pure # So that you'll keep returning always and evermore # into my arms. # Oh, Lord, into my arms. # Oh, Lord, into my arms. # Oh, Lord, into my arms. # What do you think about the kids? What about them? Not many of them, are there? What? Well, I mean, two? It's... it's more than the Chinese are allowed. (chuckling) I just thought that maybe, you know... it was time for the insurance baby. -What? -In case one of them is really smart, we don't want the other one to feel stupid their whole life. And if we had a third one, then... we could have two happy dummies. What do you think? Huh? TIM (voice-over): It was the toughest decision of my life. Saying yes to the future meant saying good-bye to my dad forever. Why don't we wait a bit? Absolutely. You're right. Yeah. How about now? (laughing) Hmm? Or now? Now? Yeah. Okay. Really? Dad always wished there had been more of us. So... Anyway, we might... we might try and nothing happens. Exactly. (Mary sighing) Really could be tonight. Mm. And you cannot believe the detail in which I know the route to the hospital. Oh, yay. Will you excuse me for a sec? -Just have to go downstairs. -Mm-hm. (heart beating) -DAD: And it's 17-20 -(table tennis ball clacking) in this incredibly tight contest being played by the two most physically perfect players in the history of the game. The crowd, enchanted by the younger player, are seduced by memories of the older player's illustrious past. (yells) Oh, my God. I've won. I haven't won in years. You finally got good. (chuckles) What's my prize? Apart from the Olympic gold medal, of course. A kiss will have to do. A kiss? A kiss? Oh. Ah, I get you. This is it, then? This is it. It's my last bit of extra time. The baby is completely on the way. Oh. Oh. (chuckles) (sets paddle on table) TIM: Congratulations. My son. My dad. Is... is there anything at all I can do? Is there anything you want to do? I don't know. There is this... one thing. A quick little walk. Totally against the rules, of course, but if we don't change a thing, if we're very careful, it shouldn't do any harm. It would be nice. (heart beating) -(Tim laughing) -DAD: Oh, I'm really trying. I'm really... I'm really trying. (Tim laughing) -TIM: Get down low. -DAD: Oh! DAD: Beauty! (Tim laughing) DAD: Total defeat. Yes! (both laughing) Oh, I'm tired. Thanks, Dad. TIM (voice-over): So I'm almost up-to-date with my story. -Oh, you look so cute. -As all families do, -we got used to life after death. -It's brilliant. -And it was still fine. -It matches Mary's. And things settled back into their traditional rhythms -season after season... -Ooh! -Over. and are much as they have always been. And we've got used to Kit Kat being happy again. And then we got used to her being a mum. Albeit not a very good or even safe one. (indistinct chatter and laughter) And in the end, I think I've learned the final lesson from my travels in time. And I've even gone one step further than my father did. -(alarm chiming) -(Mary groans) (groans) -(alarm stops) -(Mary sighs) Okay, I'll do the kids. (sighs, groans) -No, don't worry. -(baby cries in distance) I'll do them. -Yeah, you do them, you lazy bum. -(Tim laughs) TIM (voice-over): The truth is, I now don't travel back at all. Not even for the day. I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day-- to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life. (gentle piano music) # I don't get many things right # the first time. # In fact, I am told that a lot. # Now I know all the wrong turns, # the stumbles and falls # brought me here. Good girl. Good girl. TIM: Hello. You're down already. That's great. Thank you so much for that. And in we go. Come on. Posy? Posy! # Where was I before the day # that I first saw your lovely face? # Now I see it every day. That's fine. (imitates airplane engine) # And I know that I am, POSY: I think you're allowed to like it a lot. TIM: You. When will I see you again? This evening. # I am the luckiest. TIM (voice-over): We're all travelling through time together-- every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride. (children squealing playfully) (laughing) -In she goes. -(gasps) Like that! (conversation continues indistinctly) (laughing) Yes, yes, yes, well, I know, it's all visual. (muffled): Yes, well... Yeah. Okay, I'll see you then. Bye-bye. See you later.