Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (BELL RINGS) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKING HORN) (TYRES SCREECH) Five, four, three, two, one. Well, that's all the time we have. So long, kids! (CHEERING) ANNOUNCER: Krusty the Clown is brought to you by the new Gamestation 256. It's slightly faster, to the max. 256? Oh, and I'm stuck with this useless 252. GAMESTATION: Don't destroy me. I can still make you happy to the max. Here's a headline for Jay: "Ketchup Truck Hits Hamburger Stand." Mom, can I have $200 for a 256k Gamestation? That's less than a dollar a k! Oh, I might be able to help you. With a song about thrift. # When you get a penny from a chum, # don't just buy some bubble gum. # Put it in your cap, put it in your cap # When you find a nickel in the snow, # don't just blow it on a picture show. # Put it in your cap, put it in your cap. I don't have a cap. # When you spy a quarter in a pie... # (SIGHS) You want money? Get a job, like your old man. Well, maybe I should. So, now you're smarter than your old man, eh? I guess. I like your attitude. Take what you need. (SIGHS) Nice day's work, kid. This is for you. You're paying me in hair? Are you insane? Man, I need a job. You need job. I have job for you. You hang Thai menu on door. I get more business. Send daughters to small, liberal arts college. Swarthmore, maybe Sarah Lawrence. Call professors by first name-- ha! Dynamite! Hang them on the door, got it. Hey, no menus! Or I'll cut you like a box-- along the flaps! (WHIMPERING) You quitter! SING-SONG: Quitter boy! Quitter boy! I'm sorry. Now restaurant fail. Children go to state college. Serious students powerless against drunken jockocracy. Baseball hats everywhere! Hey, man, this job is too dangerous. Menu boy no be coward, like shrimp. Menu boy be brave, like prawn. Menu boy must move silently, like ghost. Leave no footprint, only lunch specials. Hai. (GRUNTING) (THEME FROM 'THE MATRIX' PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh! I-I... well, I never... (GROANS) What a waste. (SPUTTERING) (GASPS) There you go, little fish. Oh. Bart, do you know how many trees died to make those menus? I don't know. A million? You're ruining the earth. True, but I gots to get paid. Money was funny, sister. Oh, Betty. Bart, it's so sweet of you to take the family out to Krusty Burger. Hey, some people in this family are doers and some are don't-ers. Don't you call me a... (GRUNTS) Take that, Lisa's beliefs. (LAUGHTER) Oh, how cute! Kids, look who's on the roof! I knew this day would come. The cows are taking back what's theirs. No. I think they're protesters. Hey, there are cows on the roof. I thought my pager was busted. Get back in. It's only funny with a small car. CHANTING: Take down the clown! Take down the clown! Listen, I'm on your side. Let's get a dialogue going. Take out the mother cow. The rest will follow. MAN'S VOICE: Your corporation cuts down the rain forest to create grazing land for cattle! Oh, for the love of... give me that! No, you can't! Don't worry, honey. They're just firing beanbags. You can't silence the truth with beanbags! (GROANS) That's nice work with the bag-zooka. Got to love what you do, chief. (GASPING) Are you all right? I've had worse. (GASPING) In New Orleans, they hose us with Tabasco. Oh, you're so heroic. All right, cow-boy. I'll see you in moo-nicipal court. Huh! Good one, chief. What? What'd I say? I can't believe how young he is. He'd be cute if he weren't so idealistic. (HORN HONKING) Look, Marge, I'm in a limo! The Simpsons are going to Paris! 2 The eco-radical group "Dirt First" staged a daring protest today at Krusty Burger. Krusty the Clown has issued the following statement: "This I don't need." The group is led by teenage activist Jesse Grass a dreadlocked dreamboat whose birken... stock is on the rise (SIGHING) HOMER: Boring. Ah, the Luftwaffe the Washington generals of the history channel. Dad, change it back. Yeah, that was the boy Lisa likes. No, I don't. Lisa and Jesse, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. Shut up! First comes love, then comes, um... Damn it, I know this. I'd like to visit a prisoner. Yeah, sure. Aren't you coming with me? Hey, I get enough flaming toilet paper thrown on me at home. Fire in the hole. Jesse? You do yoga? Yeah, but I started before it was cool. My name's Lisa Simpson. I think your protest was incredibly brave. Thank you. This planet needs every friend it can get. Oh, the earth is the best. That's why I'm a vegetarian. Well, that's a start. Oh, well, um, I was thinking of going vegan. I'm a level-five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow. Wow. Um, I started an organic compost pile at home. Only at home? You mean you don't pocket-mulch? Oh, it's so decomposed! Do you think I could join Dirt First? Well, we might have an opening at the poser level. Oh, thank you, thank you! Have a good time at your hippie club. You've welcome to come, too. No, I like to save the environment my own way. Mmm, donuts. I am happy to report we've succeeded in blocking the St. Patrick's Day parade which every year steps on several lizards. Death to humans! Right on! Don't celebrate yet. The mayor had a secret tree auction last night. What am I bid for the logging rights to Springfield's oldest redwood tree? $30,000 to make cages for animal experimentation. $50,000 for Thai menus. Daughter on wait list at Bennington. 100,000 simoleons to make the world's first drive-thru humidor. Uh, sold to the rich Texan! Thanks to Caleb for the tape. How'd you sneak that camera in? I got my ways. They can't cut down that sequoia if one of us is living in it. Any volunteers? I'll do it! Man, I am so there! Me, me, me. Whoa, hold on. Once you're up there, you can't come down. Not for a Phish concert, not even for Burning Man. (SUBDUED MURMURING) Well, someone will hear the call... and whoever does will have a place in my heart. Sheesh, look at these refugees. How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships. Well, moping won't make it better. Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not going to like it but I really believe it's the right thing. Marge, she's going to narc on our stash. We don't have a stash. No, of... course not. Oh, I didn't think it would be so high. Maybe I could just circulate a petition. (CHUCKLES WEAKLY) (CLUCKING) Ooh, I'll show you. (PANTING) Well, this looks like a good place to set up camp. Wow, what a view. (ENGINES REVVING) Gentlemen, start your chain saws. LISA: Not so fast! Now, you come down from there, missy. I won't come down till you spare this tree! Hang in there, Laura! It's Lisa! Right. Lisa! You're hard-core! Oh, he said I was hard-core. (YELLING) (ENGINE REVVING) Oh, no! My baby's up there! It's OK, Mom! I have a safety line. This is your fault with your non-threatening Bobby Sherman-style good looks. No girl could resist your charms. This was her choice, Mr. Simpson. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes. All right, a care bucket. Hot Thai soup! Oh, Bart. "Dear Lisa, you rock. Mom is calling rescue agencies. "Dad is building a giant ladder, but it is of poor quality. We miss you. Bart." Ahh.. It's day four for Springfield's li'l-est tree hugger. Excuse me. That's "littlest" tree hugger. And whether you love or hate her politics you've got to go gawk at this crazy idiot. Oh, 7 o'clock. The family's just sitting down to dinner. Aw... You call that saying grace?! (YELLING) (GAGGING) LISA: Oh, now they're making popcorn and hanging Christmas stockings and colouring Easter eggs. Oh, I can't take it. Would it be so bad if I just went home for an hour? Don't worry, I'll be right back. Eww, someone's been marking their territory. Hey, everybody, I'm...! Aw... I'll just rest here for a minute. (SIGHING) (BABBLES) (GASPS) Oh, it's morning. I got to get back. Oh, no! 3 Oh, Mom, those loggers chopped down the tree. Why did I have to leave my post? Now, honey, let's turn on the news and forget our troubles. Springfield's oldest resident has died. No, it wasn't Mr. Burns. It was this majestic, old redwood which was brutally cut down last night. Not by loggers, but by lightning. Lightning?! (RELIEVED SIGH) At least it wasn't my fault. Lightning attracted by this metal bucket. Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson. I'm afraid it doesn't look good, Kent. We found her sleeping bag right here. Our working theory is that the lightning exploded her. Back to you, Kent. You don't get to say that! Goodbye, Lisa. We'll miss you. Oh, no! Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back! (SOBS) Unless...? Dad! I'm not dead. Oh, praise God! You're alive! Unless...? Oh, my! They made you a shrine. I loved Lisa Simpson. Loved her like shrub and I would give anything to see her sweet face again. Oh. (GIGGLING) But in death, she will do more for our cause than she ever could've done in life. Uh-huh. In Texas, we do tragedy right. That's why, in memory of that poor little girl I'm turning this entire forest into the Lisa Simpson Wilderness Preserve. We won, Lisa. We finally won. This... is for you. (GASPS) He cut off his favourite dread. (CLICKS OFF TV) We have to tell them you're not dead. No, Mom! It's a memorial forest now. If I'm alive, they'll cut it down. You are not pretending to be dead, young lady. This family has had nothing but bad luck when it comes to farce. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Homer, it's Neddy! I baked you a little something to ease the pain. Oh! Uh, uh... Must hide Lisa. FALSETTO: Come in! So, Bart, our school policy is to give students in your situation... straight "A"s. Get out! What's the catch? The tragic loss of your sister. Ah, yes. Ghastly business, that. Grieving father, coming through. Homer, uh, booze is on the house seeing as how Lisa is, um... how do I put this, uh... riding the midnight train to slab city. Thanks for the beer, Moe. But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear. Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me I want you to tear up my dad's tab and pour cocktail onions... dad, I can't-- HOMER ON TAPE: Read it! LISA: ...pour cocktail onions down your pants. Well, I ain't never said no to a dead girl yet. And now Branford Marsalis will play using Lisa's very own saxophone. Don't touch it! They can clone her from the spit! (SOBBING) Good luck, Milhouse. And finally, an exciting announcement from our good friends at Omni-Pave. Folks, last night the dear, departed Lisa came to me in a dream. She told me her fondest wish was that this forest would become the world's rootin'est, tootin'est, pollutin'est amusement park! (SHOCKED MURMURS) You promised us a nature preserve! Now, don't you fret. We're sensitive to all your eco concerns. (CHAINSAW BUZZING) That's it, boys! The gift shop will go right there. Yeehaw! Cut it down! LISA: No! (ALL GASPING) A g-g-g-g-girl! I'm not dead. And neither is my sense of moral outrage. Oh, here we go. Sir, have you no shame? Clearly, I don't. Now get your heinie off of Lisa Land! A redwood is not a promotional tool! Good Lord! He's cutting the guy-wires! (TREE CREAKING) (SCREAMING) (CHEERING) Nice work, tree. Now, return to me. Oh, right. I don't have superpowers. Just yet. Sweet! It's headed for the business district! Not my company! (SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERING) No! It was finger ling-ling good! (GLASS SHATTERING) ALL: No! Yee-ha! Score one for the bad guys! Hey, Lisa. Aw, Jesse, they locked you up again. Yeah, but I'm still fighting for the earth. I even got them to install a solar-powered electric chair. Dude, we've been here all morning. Could you at least remoisten my head sponge? Well, I'll write you letters. On rice paper, with a soy pencil. Aw, you're sweet. (KISSING SOUND) (GIDDY SIGH) Did they ever stop the log? Not yet. What's up with that? To the melody of "This Land Is Your Land" # This log is your log, # this log is my log. # When lightning struck it, # it kicked the bucket. MOE: # I poured some onions # inside my trou...sers. # This log, it used to be a tree, # but now it spreads love to you and me. # Hey, look, it's heading out to sea. # Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016