1 Captions by Glen Moffatt. Edited by Gabe Atkinson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) D'oh! (SCREAMS) DOG BARKS HALF-HEARTEDLY Hey, open up. I've been standing here all morning. Hey, Homer, what are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation. HISSING HISSING Uh-oh. (GASPS) (GROANS) No one told me the plant was closed. Didn't you get the e-mail? What's an e-mail? It's a computer thing like an electric letter. Or a quiet phone call. I don't have a computer. (LAUGHS) Too bad. That's why you're at work while we're living it up on our day off. Hey, Carl, turn up the car radio. Why not? Anything goes today. BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS That does it. I'm getting a computer. As soon as somebody lets me outta here. Oh. I'm so stupid. Er, I guess I'll take that one. Do you need a paperweight? Because if you buy that machine, that's all you'll get. A paperweight WOULD be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? That technology is 3 months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are you, sir? Heavens, no. Oh, good, because if you were, I'd have to ask you to leave the store. I need something to receive e-mail. (WHISTLES) You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes. I was an astronaut. Of course you were. Hmm. (SLURPS) $5000! You only have 10 seconds to decide, sir. (WHIMPERS) This is the best computer in the world and always will be, right? Absolutely. Just run the deed to your house through here. BEEPING MACHINE: You are on your fifth mortgage. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hey, Lisa! Check out my new computer. SCRAPING Dad, you shouldn't drag that around. (LAUGHS) That's right, top of the line. Urgh! Oh, ooh, stupid pothole. Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now. Oh, yeah, perfect. Now, then. Computer, kill Flanders. Did I hear my name? My ears are burnin'. Good start. Now finish the job. Oh, you're busy. Catch ya later, computator. Oh, $5000 for a computer, and it can't handle a simple assignment. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Dad, I'll set up your computer. You and Bart go play in the backyard. Dad, I'll set up your computer. You and Bart go play in the backyard. You're it. BOTH LAUGH HOMER LAUGHS Why, you little`! OK, you're ready to go. I've written down the basic commands so that ANYONE can understand them. Hmm. MARGE: Homer, bring that back in the house. MARGE: Homer, bring that back in the house. HOMER: Fine. BEEP! < Ooh, a dancing Jesus. # Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee. # If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it. If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click yes. Otherwise click no. You have chosen no, meaning you've committed a crime, but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey. While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous. KEYBOARD CLATTERS Here it is, everybody: the world's greatest website. INCOHERENT SHOUTING AND RINGING You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. I got suspended from school. No kidding. What do you think of my page, Lisa? Be honest. It's great, isn't it? Go ahead. Say it. They found a weapon in my locker. A web page should be a personal thing, but you've stolen copyrighted material from everyone else. They could sue you for that. I took a swing at a cop. I took a swing at a cop. They can't sue me if they don't know who I am. I'll call myself Mr X. I'm just mad all the time. I'm just mad all the time. Yep, you can't go wrong with Mr X. Mom wants you to come to bed. I can't. My web page hasn't gotten a single hit. I can't. My web page hasn't gotten a single hit. INCOHERENT NOISE Come on. Come on. You have to offer people something ` a joke, an opinion, an idea. SMASH! That lousy pothole! Why don't they fix it? I heard Mayor Quimby spent the street-repair fund on a swimming pool for himself. Get out. Who told you that? Get out. Who told you that? Nelson. That's the kind of dirt that belongs on my web page. You can't post that on the net. You don't know if it's true. Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold. You know, it might have been Jimbo. You know, it might have been Jimbo. Beautiful. We have confirmation. You know, it might have been Jimbo. Beautiful. We have confirmation. (GROANS) Let's see here. X-rated girls, already bookmarked. Dial X for sex. Mr X? Hm. Shall I cross the final frontier? BEEP! What's this? READS: Stolen funds. Pothole money used for swimming pool. There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling. Our mayor's corrupt? Mr X has done this town a great service, despite his poor grammar and spelling. < Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies?! No, Mother. No, Mother. < You sissy! (GROANS) What's all this about a secret swimming pool? What's all this about a secret swimming pool? Uh, what secret swimming pool? Hey, let's look behind that door. Hey, let's look behind that door. < Don't go in there. ALL GASP GIRLS GIGGLE Good Lord, we've discovered the ruins of an ancient city. OK, YOU do better. I did it; I changed the world. Now I know exactly how God feels. Do you want turkey, sausage or ham? Do you want turkey, sausage or ham? Bring me two of every animal. CAT WHINES A new Internet watchdog is creating a stir. Mr X, if that is his real name, has come up with a sensational scoop. Darn tootin'. Darn tootin'. But we must never forget that the real news is on local TV,... delivered by real, officially licensed newsmen, like me, Kent Brockman. Coming up, how DO they get those dogs to talk on the beer ads? Cowboy Steve will tell you. I'm happy you got the potholes filled, but it's still irresponsible to present rumours as facts. Maybe you should quit while you're ahead. Maybe you should quit while you're ahead. No way. Mr X will keep on digging until every person in this town is in jail. CRUNCH! A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes. Like poison it tastes. All right, I'll tell you a secret. My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts. My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts. Aw, who am I to point the finger? I once ran over a guy in a parking lot and dumped the body on a golf course. What a bombshell. In the interests of public safety, we have confiscated every doughnut, bagel and cruller in the city. And some coffee. (SLURPS) This morning Mr X reported that your own department` This morning Mr X reported that your own department` I know, I know,... but I assure you the police do NOT take prisoners out of their cells and race them. Any more. What about using the electric chair to cook chicken? This press conference is over. No, it's over, Phil. It's over. According to my uncle, Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful as she seems. Word is she uses appearance-altering cosmetics. Word is she uses appearance-altering cosmetics. ALL CHATTER The public should be warned. I wish Mr X were here. Oh, I don't know, Carl. He might be closer than you think. Oh, I don't know, Carl. He might be closer than you think. Are you him? Are you Mr X? No. No. But you talked in that real sly voice. Hey, everybody! Homer's Mr X. I am not. Or am I? Or am I? Are you? Or am I? Are you? No! Well, if Mr X were here right now I'd buy him a tall frosty. Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret? Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret? No. Not even a little one? Not even a little one? No. What if I just whisper it? What if I just whisper it? No, I telled ya! What if I just whisper it? No, I telled ya! Oh! # I've been sittin' on the toilet... # all the live-long day. # DOOR OPENS BURNS: Is everything ready for the secret meeting, Smithers? BURNS: Is everything ready for the secret meeting, Smithers? Yes, sir. I hope no one finds out about this. It's pure journalistic dynamite. I hope no one finds out about this. It's pure journalistic dynamite. Sir, this place could be bugged. Sh. HAND DRYER ROARS HAND DRYER ROARS OK, now we can talk. Ooh. (GASPS) Turn it off. (GROANS) Journalistic dynamite. (GASPS) HUMMING ALL EXCLAIM Then it's agreed ` I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium. Then it's agreed ` I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium. You are a credit to the great Satan. Oh. (GRUNTS SOFTLY) I love spying. > Ah. Argh. Ah. Argh. Oh, don't worry about those fumes. They'll be sucked into the air vent. Oh! This place is falling apart. And who's selling the uranium TO the terrorists? Mmm. Mm-hm. Montgomery Burns. Now we wait. (SLURPS) (GRUNTS) Let go of me. I'm innocent. Whoa. HE'S in trouble. We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr X. We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr X. ALL CHEER Unfortunately we don't know who he is, so his cash award will be used to feed starving children. NO! (GRUNTS) I'm Mr X! Gimme, gimme. ALL CHATTER We'll need some proof. Ta-da! Ta-da! He IS Mr X. Ha! Thank you, folks. And now I'm off to expose more secret conspiracies. D'oh! Oh, I bit my tongue. I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer` I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer` Finally. ...but I do feel bad about the starving children. ...but I do feel bad about the starving children. They're with God now. Oh, well, THAT'S good. (GROANS) Hey, guys. How's it goin'? Oh, don't worry about the Mr X thing. I'm just here for a beer. I-I don't know if I want you in here no more, Homer. I've got a lot of secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine. Terrible, disturbing secrets. So hungry. I smell another Pulitzer. Urgh! Well, Helen, as it says in the Bible` I'll tell ya later. I'll tell ya later. (MOANS) Oh. Nobody's visiting my web page any more. My counter is actually going down. WIND HOWLS Well, you can't post news if you don't have any. That's a great idea ` I'll make up some news. Uh. At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that. Let's see, now. Bulletin. New race discovered... living 6 inches under... Denver. Denver. Oh, Dad. All named Morton. Or... Mortonson. This Mr X says Spanish and Italian are the same language. Well, that's surprising. READS: 'They're controlling our minds with flu shots.' I knew it. Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? BOTH WHIMPER BOTH: Yay. Mommy? Hey, Mr X, I got a tip for ya. In science class they're dissecting frozen hoboes. I have the bindles to prove it. Real news is great, son, but I'm getting a thousand hits an hour with grade-A bull plop. Gimme 100 lotto tickets, Apu. Because Mr X is on a roll. CLUNK! Stop it, Apu, you're scaring me. (WHIMPERS) (GASPS) What's going on? HOMER YELLS I'm being kidnapped! (HUMS) MUFFLED SPEECH Ooh. (EXHALES) This is not a library. HOMER: Save me, Mr X! Wait, I'm Mr X. OH! HOMER GROANS (GASPS) What the`? FLAMINGO SQUAWKS PEACOCK CALLS What the hell? How did I get here? What is this place? This is the island. How do I get out of here? How do I get out of here? Oh, no one leaves the island. So I'm a prisoner? How come? Because you know something. But I don't know anything. At least, I don't think I do. See you tomorrow. No, you won't. Hello, operator. I'd like to report a really weird island. Please send lots of rescue 'copters, too. GAS HISSES SLURS: Oh, well, all right. Whatever. THUD! (CACKLES) (GROANS) Welcome, friend. I'm Number 6. I'm Number 15. What number are you? I am not a number! I am a man, and don't you ever` Oh, wait. I'm Number 5. Ha ha! In your face, Number 6. Ha ha! In your face, Number 6. Yes. Well done. Who are these oddballs? They keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind Tic Tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag. Wow. So, who brought us here? I don't know. I don't know. Did you bring us here? I don't know. Did you bring us here? No. Don't worry. If even half of your husband is out here, Officer Scraps will find him. Oh, that's a darling name for a dog. DOG SNIFFS AND BARKS DOG CONTINUES BARKING Yep. He's on the trail all right. Uh-oh. DOG WHIMPERS Better go fish him out, Lou. OK, Chief. Ah, the shoes are part of the uniform. Ah, the shoes are part of the uniform. Right, Chief. CYMBALS CLANG (GRUMBLES) Oh, they drugged the tea. They knew my one weakness. OMINOUS MUSIC POP! Hello, Number 5. How's every little thing? Who are you, and why are you holding me? I want answers now, or I want them eventually! Fair enough. I'll level with you. CLUNK! CLUNK! Ow. Please, don't do that. Sorry. I'll be blunt ` your webpage has stumbled upon our secret plan. That's impossible. All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop! I'm referring to the flu-shot expose. We're the ones loading them with mind-controlling additives. But why? (GRUNTS) To drive people into a frenzy of shopping. That's why flu shots are given just before Christmas. Of course. It's so simple. Wait, no, it's not. It's needlessly complicated. Yes, it is. We can't have you out there mucking it up, now, can we? No, sir. There's a good boy. Let's get you some ice cream. < There we are. Look, you can drug me all you want, but my family won't rest till they find my drug-bloated corpse. I wouldn't count on that, Number 5. As far as your family knows, you are walking in the front door right now. I'm sorry? What? (GROWLS) (GASPS) Homie. GERMAN ACCENT: Marge, honey, Fraulein. I'm home. GERMAN ACCENT: Marge, honey, Fraulein. I'm home. You're not my husband. Ja. Forgive my unexplained two-week absence. To make it up to you we will go to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant... then have a night of efficient German sex. Well, I don't feel like cooking. HISS! Oh. RAZOR HUMS Aren't there any evil movies on, something about an evil island? There's something really different about you, Dad. There's something really different about you, Dad. I am a new tie wearing. Oh, yeah. HOMER MOANS I'm tired of being drugged and gassed. There must be a way to escape. Psst. Huh? Huh? I've worked on this for 33 years. It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks. And the sail is made of scabs and dynamite. It's small and smelly, but it should carry both of us to` Ah! Whoo-hoo! Th-That's the third time that's happened. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS Oh no. An anti-escape orb. POP! Ha. That was easy. Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up. That's why. What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody. Attention. Some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world. Hey. Sorry, but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk. Huh? Huh? We're shutting you down. Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me. No one can silence me but me. GERMAN ACCENT: That arranged can be. No one can silence me but me. GERMAN ACCENT: That arranged can be. Wha`? (GURGLES) Yes, fight and struggle. (YELLS) If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. THWACK! Oh, Marge, it's me, the real Homer. Oh, Marge, it's me, the real Homer. Oh, Homie. Mm-mm. SLOW CLAPPING Bravo, Number 5. But you know what happens to bad little fishies who wriggle through the net? Can I turn this off? Can I turn this off? Absolutely. Can I turn this off? Absolutely. Hey` Nice to have you back, Homer. Nice to have you back, Homer. DOG BARKS The dog thinks so too. The dog thinks so too. ALL LAUGH The dog thinks` The dog thinks` HISS! ALL GROAN Bad dog. BART AND LISA LAUGH Once you get used to the druggings, this isn't a bad place. Oh, it's wonderful; truly God's country. (CACKLES) (CACKLES) HISS! HOMER: See you on the island. LISA: Yes, the island. Captions by Glen Moffatt. Edited by Gabe Atkinson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 Shh.