BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) D'oh! (SCREAMS) Welcome to the Magic Palace. Welcome to the Magic Palace. OK, you can park my car, but no joyriding. Hm. Wait a minute. Hello, I'm Questo. I'll be your waiter and mentalist for this evening. I'm receiving a drink order, something foamy. Is it a be`? Beer, yes, how did you know? And for the lady, a Loooong Island ice tea. ALL: Wow! They ought to call that a Large Island ice tea. (LAUGHS) No, Long is better. Are you really going to drink that? Are you really going to drink that? Well, maybe a sip. I don't want to offend our mentalist. THINKS: If she doesn't like it, I'll just die. Mmm. (SLURPS) AUDIENCE APPLAUDS Mom, you're missing a great show. You don't know what I'm missing. (SLURPS) Mm, I'd like to visit that Long Island place. (SLURS SPEECH) If only it were real. Now, for my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. Now, for my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. I'll do it. I always end up doing it. I'm Diabolo. What's your name? I'm Diabolo. What's your name? Marge. OK, Marge, and who's that gentleman you're with? That's no gentleman, that's my husband. That's no gentleman, that's my husband. AUDIENCE LAUGHS Wow, Mom got a laugh. I wish she drank every day. (CHUCKLES) Do we love Marge or what? (CHUCKLES) Do we love Marge or what? APPLAUSE Oh, please, I didn't say that for clapping. Now, Marge, I have a problem. Now, Marge, I have a problem. Oh, yeah? The Emperor of China is coming and I don't have enough colourful silks. The Emperor of China is coming and I don't have enough colourful silks. Oh. So what I need of you is` So what I need of you is` You talk too much. Abracablabra. Am I right? ALL LAUGH ALL LAUGH See, the ladies know what I'm talking about. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Tell you what, let's get this ball gag on ya. There we go. And we'll slip right ahead to the kill-otine. AUDIENCE GASPS AUDIENCE GASPS Whoa, baby. DRUM ROLL Don't worry, Marge, you won't feel a thing. You'll feel four things. He's very good. AUDIENCE: Oooh. APPLAUSE So she was made of chimps. Man, magic can do anything. What happened to Mom? I'm right here. AUDIENCE CHEERS No, no, get off me. DIABOLO: Folks, this is not part of the act. Please help her. Get 'em off me. Get 'em off, get 'em off. Cool gift shop. READS: Ages 8 to 80. Oh. That's me! Dad, will you get me this Magic Kit? Dad, will you get me this Magic Kit? Gee, I wish I could, son, but we already left the gift shop. D'oh! Wow, it's approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad. (SCOFFS) That's a party-magic college. (SCOFFS) That's a party-magic college. It is not. Ya-ha. Ya-ha. Na-uh. Ya-ha. Na-uh. Ya-ha. Would you cut it out, you two? Mommy needs some quiet right now. ALL: Aaaagh! What the hell is that? It looks like a sturgeon. And where did it come from? Mm. Mm-hm. Hmm. Well, there's your problem. Well, there's your problem. I know that. How much to fix it? Ooh, well, that's a foreign fish we're looking at, so $6500,... plus $350. Oh, I can't afford that. Maybe I can make some money, Dad. My magic act is really coming along. Maybe I can make some money, Dad. My magic act is really coming along. (GASPS) (LAUGHS) He couldn't breathe. Step right up. See the magic boy... with this mystifying feat that will leave you scratching your head until it's raw and bloody. Mm, ha. Oh my goodness. Oh. Pony up, Flanders. The kid's not turning tricks for nothing. Oh no, I can never support the black arts. Black arts? Yeah, you know ` magic, fortune-telling, oriental cooking` Yeah, you know ` magic, fortune-telling, oriental cooking` Hey, you guys, ah, ah,... you're in our spot. Wh`? OK, we'll move. We don't want any trouble, fellas. Wh`? OK, we'll move. We don't want any trouble, fellas. Dad, only one of them is real. I know, but which one? 60c? I would have made more if I'd gone into work today. Hey, don't blame me. I have to compete with TV and the Internet. Hey, don't blame me. I have to compete with TV and the Internet. A good son would help his dad. Yeah, and a good dad wouldn't miss his son's Little League games. Yeah, and a good dad wouldn't miss his son's Little League games. I told you, I find them boring. Well, I showed up for all your stupid interventions. Well, I showed up for all your stupid interventions. Oh, that's it. You can walk home. TYRES SCREECH Dad, come back. Oh, I can't walk home with all this stuff. Oh. Poor boy. Here's some money for bus fare. My father was a monster too. Hmm. Come on, brothers, dig deep. Stupid, non-magical son who can't pay to fix my car. Hey, Homer, check it out. What the`? Is that a steak? Yeah, I know a little place. Yeah, I know a little place. Who gave you all this money? Hmm, people. I guess they thought I was a charity case. Hmm, people. I guess they thought I was a charity case. Really? Hey, maybe we could do that again. Can you look even more pathetic? (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) Oh, that's beautiful! We could make a fortune. Wouldn't that make us con-artists? Wouldn't that make us con-artists? Well, yeah, but God conned me out of 6500 bucks in car repairs. So, in a way, we'd just be balancing out the universe. There you go. We'd be stealing from people we know. It's just like the seasons. Sounds good. Wanna eat my fat? I think you know the answer to that. (GOBBLES) This book has all the classic cons. There's the pigeon drop, the earwigger. Do they have any father-and-son grifts? There's the Albany ham scam. Interesting. Oh, wait. Here we go. # Ah, da, de, de, de, de. Ho, do, do, da. # Ho-ho oh. What are you doing? Why are you frosting that throw pillow? I could ask you the same question. Uh, should I just back out of the room? Would you? (HUMS) OK, Dad, ready for our first con? You bet. Let's trim the mark. Nice use of the lingo, Homer. 10-4, kemosabe. (GROANS WEARILY) (HUMS) I love you too. Goodnight. And have a pleasant tomorrow. Oh. Oh, excuse me. What happened? Where's my cake? It's all right, isn't it? It's all right, isn't it? Um... What have you done, you clumsy, little ox? (GASPS) That cake was for your deaf sister. Sir, it was my fault. No, no, don't protect him. You'll work off that cake in the acid mines. No, no, no, I'll pay for the cake. Well, you're the mark... Well, you're the mark... WHACK! Well, you're the mark... WHACK! ...of-of integrity. Wow, look at all this loot. What should we buy first? What should we buy first? A singing rubber fish, of course. There you are. How was the magic act? What in the hell are you talking about? What in the hell are you talking about? WHACK! Oh, right, the magic. The magic was great. It's really the way to go. How did you do your act? You left your Magic Kit here. How did you do your act? You left your Magic Kit here. Or so it would seem. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Suckers. I don't know, Mom, I think they're up to something. I don't know, Mom, I think they're up to something. It sure looks that way. But at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together. But at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together. Is that a Long Island ice tea? Oh, this? I think it is. (SLURPS) Mmm. You're a pretty girl. Here, boy. Here, doggie. Oh, where has my little dog gone? Oh, where has my little dog gone? No. You lost your doggie? Oh, where has my little dog gone? No. You lost your doggie? Yeah. I saw him playing in the water and then he was gone. He had a red leash with bells on it. Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. BELLS JINGLE Oh, dear Lord. He's the bestest dog ever. He's light brown, and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart. Sorry, son, but` Sorry, son, but` I just got to get him back,... or, if not him, a similar dog. Dog for sale. Dog for sale. How much for the dog? Oh, he's not for sale. Oh, he's not for sale. Ga` Wha`? Although, if the right offer came along... Here's for the repairs and a little extra for you. Hey, thanks, chief. Hey, thanks, chief. Ah. My bar mitzvah cake. Oi, I'll never be a man. Hey. Dad? Dad? Yes, son. Why are we still grifting? The car's paid for. Doesn't that balance the universe? In a way. But I also remember some other stuff like my bike that was stolen in Third Grade. Plus the baldness. Plus the baldness. OK, I'm sold. DOORBELL RINGS Hello, is the lady of the house in? Hello, is the lady of the house in? Oh, no, Homer, remember Maudie got called up to heaven. Oh, of course, of course. It's just that` It's just that` What? Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you. Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you. Why, there's my name in gold. Now, you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man. Well, I'll just reimburse you right` Wait a minute. This seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon. Run, Dad. OK. Oh, oh, oh. I'll be safe in here. I'll be safe in here. That was too close. Maybe it's time to quit the game. Maybe it's time to quit the game. Amateurs! > BOTH: Duh? Dad? That's right. You don't smoke a pipe. You don't smoke a pipe. That's right. How did you get wise to us? How did you get wise to us? Are you kidding? They used to call me Grifty McGrift. I wrote the book on flimflamming. Wow! He did. Yeah, in the Depression you had to grift. Either that or work. So what's the pitch, old man? So what's the pitch, old man? Team up with me, and we'll go for the biggest honey pot of them all. (GASPS) Oh my God! I don't know. Fleecing old people? Why not? If we don't take their money, they'll just give it to some televangelist. Let's dust a few fossils. Now, this scam was in The Sting, Part Two, so nobody knows about it. Now, as I recall... Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson? Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson? I'm Abe Simpson. You've just won $10 million from the publishers Cleary Dealy. Whaaa`? Everybody, come quick. Abe Simpson is rich. I can't believe it. I can finally afford a young, crazy, stripper wife ALL CHEER QUIETLY Yeah, I'm gonna get me the craziest, strippiest... Aaagh, da, da, agh. He's dead. ALL MUTTER This is terrible. Now who do we give the money to? We'll have to haul it back to headquarters. Too bad we couldn't give it to these nice folks. Forget it, Ed. Do you know what it costs to sign over a cheque this big? Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least $100 a head. You're right, we'd better take this cheque back for shredding. No. Wait. We got 100 bucks each. Hang on. Thank you. No shoving. That's right. Put your money in here. All of it. Is that everyone? What's your problem, sport? Afraid to be rich? Hold your horses. I'll get to you. FBI. Argh! You're under arrest for fraud. BOTH GASP Mm-hm. Throw the book at him, sonny. D'oh! Now, where's the inside man? Ha. Call me mint jelly cos I'm on the lam. Ya. (LAUGHS) So, we're under arrest for fraud? Yes, fraud. Ooh. Well, this is about the flashiest car I've every impounded. Thanks. Whoo, it took a lot of grifting. WHACK! Please, FBI man, don't throw us in jail. We just made one mistake. Yeah, we're not criminals, we're just two crazy, mixed-up kids. Hmm, OK, tell you what. I'll let you turn yourselves in. Maybe they'll go easier on you. You'd do that for us? You'd do that for us? Well, I did ruin the boy's birthday cake. Go on in, but I'll be watching. OK, thank you, sir. Don't worry, son. I have an idea. Chief, I'd like to scare my son straight. Could I show him a jail cell? Could I show him a jail cell? Oh, sure. I've put you in the Rick James suite. It's super freaky. OK, we're all locked up now. OK, we're all locked up now. Yeah,... (MUTTERS) you big idiot. Excellent. I guess I'll just be swiping your car now. BOTH: Whaa`? Oh, and this lovely bag of cash. So long, suckers. Whoo-hoo! That's not an FBI badge. Colgate Cavity Patrol?! Oh. That guy was a grifter. He conned us good. A least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place. Oh. What? Mom's gonna wonder where the car went. We better have a good story. Oh, lies got us into this mess, son. From now on it's honesty all the way. You were carjacked in the church parking lot? Absolutely. We stopped in for a quick prayer when` Bart, would you call him a crazy man? Definitely. Well, crazy about carjacking. Well, crazy about carjacking. What did he look like? Well, crazy about carjacking. What did he look like? Um, let's see. He was... foreign and he had some... ...wild, bushy hair like an animal. Anything else? Anything else? Well, he seemed like a loner. Kept to himself mostly. And he said if we went to the cops he'd come back for Maggie. And he said if we went to the cops he'd come back for Maggie. Oh! Oh, dear, we don't want that. Anyhow, the whole nightmare's really made us sleepy. (YAWNS) Let's hit the hay. (SNORES) (SNORES) Homie! Homie, wake up. They've captured your crazed, foreign carjacker. They've captured your crazed, foreign carjacker. Oh. But that's impossible. But that's impossible. They're arresting him right now. I did na do it, I tell ya. Uh-oh. At least let me comb me hair. It's all wild and bushy. What do you care,... loner? Well, look at that. But who called the police? Well, look at that. But who called the police? We did. After we got Maggie to a safe house, of course. Hmm, she hasn't touched her 'manwich'. You ca nat do this ta Willie. I'm innocent, I tell ya. They always say they're innocent. It's such a turn-off. Willie got arrested because of us. Willie got arrested because of us. 'Course he did, son. He's a filthy crook. Now, let's all hit the hay. It's 10 in the morning. It's 10 in the morning. I guess you haven't heard of chloroform. (INHALES DEEPLY) Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking? I was alone in my Unabomber-style shack. I had nothing to do with that carjacking. Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking? ALL MURMUR But didn't ya just say`? But didn't ya just say`? I ask the questions, Carjacker Willie. Objection. I'll allow it. It characterises the defendant as a carjacker. Dad, we've got to tell everyone the truth. Dad, we've got to tell everyone the truth. Let's see how this plays out. Mr Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court? Mr Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court? I told you, my memory is fuzzy. Fuzzy. Fuzzy like Willie's beard? ALL GASP ALL GASP Yes, exactly. No, no, I mean, the whole incident is hazy. No, no, I mean, the whole incident is hazy. Hazy, like the moors of Scotland? ALL GASP Yes, exactly. Oh. (SNIFFS) Hey, Mountain Dew? Oh. Mister foreman, has the jury reached a verdict? (CLEARS THROAT) I believe we was promised $5 a day. All right, then. Guilty! (SOBS) Carjacker Willie, I sentence you to 10 years in prison. ALL GASP Och. Dad, tell them. When the time is right. 10 years? But I did na do it. Sure you did na. Now, let's get you to Attica and we can` No! ALL GASP You'll never send me up the river. Dad. Let's see where he's going with this ALL: Oh! GUNSHOT Willie, as your employer, I insist` GUNSHOT Argh. Stop! This has gone on just long enough. Nobody carjacked me. I tried to pull a con and got conned myself. And then I lied to you all. (SOBS) So did Bart. (SOBS) OK, players, that's a wrap. ALL CHEER BOTH: Huh? Nice work, everybody. Wait a minute. This whole thing was a set-up? But Skinner got shot. Aagh! Yep, blanks and a blood pack. Hey, watch it. I look like cable TV. What about that bullet hole in your hair? Squibs. POW! POW! Yeah, we hornswaggled you good. But what about the guy who took my car? TYRES SCREECH Devon Bradley, character actor, dancer, singer. I'm a triple threat. He's doing Dream Coat at the Dinner Theatre. I can't believe everyone was in on it. Willie wasn't. You're telling me the police force, the TV news, all these people and a popular entertainer had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson? I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence, but there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation. You see` Hey, everybody. Surf's up. ALL CHEER Cowabunga! SURF INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS Hey! Oh! Argh! Captions by Linda Ryan. Edited by Monica Holland. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2013.