1 (BELL RINGING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (PLAYING THE BLUES) (HONKING HORN) D-ohh! (SCREAMS) (TYRES SCREECHING) MAN ON TV: (LAUGHS) Welcome back to Pigskin Preview. Denver, Green Bay-- who do you like? That's football, right? (ALL LAUGHING) Well, I'm going to take the Broncos in this game 'cause the Packers will be blinded by Jerry's tie. (ALL LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Tremendous. I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing? (ALL LAUGHING) All right, listen! I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe. You people can dress yourselves. (CLEARING THROAT) Well, folks, he's got a point. Uh, with all our unscripted horseplay we sometimes don't think about... Lenny, are you watching this? Yeah, they really hurt that guy's feelings. I know. Ready for the circus, Homer? Circus? The Cirque de Puree. We've had tickets since Septembre. But I want to watch Bret Favre. Come on, Homer. They're only in town for eight months, then they're gone. (MEN LAUGHING ON TV) Oh, I missed one of Jerry's zingers. Now, I'll never catch up. Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder. Oh, yeah, that's way better than fun and excitement. As French-Canadians they don't believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment. Aw, I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon. Enjoy the show... for one day, we shall die. Oh... Wait, wait! Attendez! (CHUCKLING) I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows. Who will help me? You, sir! FRENCH ACCENT: But I cannot help you. I am just a local merchant from, uh... this town. Just smash it open! Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure. Or puree! They always pick the guy with the wires. Look at those exotic positions. Watching those women is giving me ideas. LISA: They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it? (WHIMPERS) (THUNDER) SIDESHOW MEL: A storm is coming. I feel it in my bone. Mesdames et messieurs it appears the cloud goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks. Oh, no, you don't! I paid full price for this freak show. Now nourish the child within me. Nourish! Un, deux, trois! RADIO ANNOUNCER: Well, we got a classic nor'easter meeting a classic so'wester. Overnight, expect rain turning to freezing rain turning to sleet turning to snow and then melting in the summer. Snow? Maybe they'll cancel school. Look, the sea captain's all hunkered down. Argh! Help! I was tied here by teenage pirates. RADIO ANNOUNCER: The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech and Springfield Elementary... (GASPS) ...My Dear Watson Detective School. (MOANING) And lastly Springfield Elementary School... Yay! Yay! ...is open. (BOTH GROANING) RADIO ANNOUNCER: And it's open season on savings at Springfield Menswear... which is closed. Oh, everyone's off but us. Oh, stop. Your father and I don't get the day off. Lenny says we've got the day off. Yippee! One snow angel coming up. (GRUNTING) Oh, why does that always happen? # Since we've no place to go # Let it snow # Let it snow, let it snow # (KIDS SCREAMING) Man, everyone has a snow day but us. Oh, yeah, Clancy. Spell your name. Hey, Luke, could you shake out the last few drops for me? No problem, Chief. Seems like a waste of coffee. SKINNER: Children, I'm proud of you. Most of our students didn't bother to show up on this last day before Christmas break. But you've kept intact my Cal Ripken-like streak of school openage. Hey, where are the teachers? Ah, their union has called an emergency caucus. LATIN BEAT: # Caucus, caucus, cau-cus # # Caucus, caucus, cau-cus # But we'll have the last laugh on those Johnny-Come-Not-Lies. We're going to watch my favourite movie about a Grinchy little character who tries to "steal" Christmas. KIDS: Oh! Ho-ho-ho! What's that, Blitzen? Why, yes, it is Christmas Eve! I'm happy. GASPS: It's the Christmas hobgoblins! What the hell is this? It's classic mirth-making, is what it is. # I will always be true # Spend my days pitching woo... to you... # Oh, he's been singing for two hours. This couldn't have less to do with Christmas. And I think that's a stagehand. # ... and I love you, too. # I am you and you are you. # Oh, you and me, together you can see... # Ha-ha! Next time get a DVD! This is a DVD. You won't get to see Santa's big Sing-Off but seeing as we're close to the usual dismissal time... Two... one... (BELL RINGING) There it is. Take off and have a frank and productive holiday. (KIDS CHEERING) GASPING: Oh, dear God! LISA: Principal Skinner! We're snowed in! We're trapped in the school! (KIDS SCREAM) We're gonna miss Christmas! (KIDS SCREAM LOUDER) I fixed the DVD. (KIDS SCREAM EVEN LOUDER) 1 KENT BROCKMAN: Roads closed. Pipes frozen. Albinos virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from Winter Wonderland to a Class III Killstorm. I don't like the sound of that "Class III." And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns. He shoots, he scores! Perfect form, sir. This is terrible. How will the kids get home? I don't know. Internet? Children, it seems the phone lines are down so I'm afraid we're stuck here for the duration. But it's my kid's birthday. I'm doing a puzzle with Grandmama and she'll finish without me. Yes, yes, yes. We all had plans. Except for me, ironically. I'm right where I want to be. I can cut a trail through the snow. I'm part Eskimo. I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building. This stinks. We'll miss the Itchy and Scratchy where they finally kiss. I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi. You're not going home. That's so unfair. Oh... This blows. Skinner's the real Grinch. (ENGINE STARTING) I'm all for rescuing the kids but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof. My car, your roof-- it's only fair. But it's my car. Well, yeah. Hey, whatever happened to that plow from your old snowplow business? I never had a snowplow business. Sure you did-- "Mr. Plow." You're wearing the jacket right now. I think I know my own life, Ned. # Call Mr. Plow. # That's my name. # That name again is Mr. Plow. # I'm so hungry. I want more. You heard the principal. Everyone gets one apple and a handful of relish. If you don't eat your relish you're not getting any mayonnaise. Screw this. The rest of you can stay here like dorks but I'm going home. (ALL CHEERING) (GRUNTS) Well, I hope you've all learned something from Nelson's headstrongedness. And, from now on... We want out! We want out! We want out! Yech! It's getting ugly out there. Think Skinner, think. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? Skinner! That's no help. Ah! My old footlocker. Back in 'Nam, I could command respect. Sarge, let's make a break for it while the guards are partying with Jane Fonda. Nope. Too dangerous. We're all going to sit tight and reminisce about candy bars. Well, uh... one time, I'm eating a candy bar at the beach and a girl starts taking off her bathing suit... Get back to the candy bar. The hell with this. I'm getting out of here! No, you fool! (SCREAMING) That elephant ate my entire platoon. Well, I'm not going to let that happen again. Children, stand down! I said, stand down! I'm not joking, people. From now on, there will be no talking out of turn or leaving this room-- Willie? Aye, sir. NELSON: This sucks. Are you questioning my authority? Willie! Ow! My vest! Well, don't just stand there, fight back! There aren't enough coat hooks to hold all of us. Actually, there are. Five, ten, 15, 20. Can you two share a hook? Yes, sir. We're fine, then. (LOUD THUMP) Oh! I think we hit something. I hope it's Flanders. (LAUGHING) I'm just kidding. Hey, you're all right. Uh... now, children if you have to answer nature's call during the night use this bucket next to Bart's head. Hey. All right, lights out. I'm tired of taking orders from G.I. Jerk. I'm going to tunnel out of here. No, Bart. For all we know hundreds of rescue workers are digging us out right now. (SNIFFING) (GROWLING) (GROWLING) # Feel like makin' love # Makin' love to you. # (HUMMING) Catchy song, all right. You really wrote it? Yeah. As a tribute to Princess Di. And Dodi. 'Cause these days... (TYRES SQUEALING) We're trapped. (GRUNTING) Mr. Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit. Is that some sort of plush novelty? Yes, ma'am. Yeah? Well, here's a scouring pad. It's just as good. It's cold and hurty. What the...? GASPING: A tunnel! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Bart's digging us out! Not on my watch, he's not. (DISAPPOINTED GROANS) I know it looks like the path to freedom but one collapse and, presto you've got a snow casket. I was going to put buttresses in. Gonna, wounna, shounna. Willie, destroy it. No! No, no! Don't do that! He did do a bonny job, sir. Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too. OK, Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit! Fine. I'll do the job myself. (GRUNTING) (YELLING) Help! It's caving in! What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck? That's precisely the problem, and you know it. Now, get me out of here. What's that? You want the pee bucket on your head? No. You're twisting my words. (ALL LAUGHING) BART: Come on, we're taking over the school! Oh, yeah! 1 That's it. Cinch it up around the neck. This is a gross misuse of school property. Where are the dodge balls? Ow! Ow! (KIDS CHEERING) All right, that's it. I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind. Silence, Seymour. We're in charge now. Your reign of fussiness is over. BART OVER P.A: Attention! The school is under kid control. You are hereby ordered to go nuts. Ah, stupid ice. I always knew I would die caked in something. Better turn off that engine before those fumes put us in tombs. Wait. Let's just leave it on till we forget our troubles. Mmm, sounds like a plan. I can't write this. It's a grammatical nightmare. Mau! Didi mau. I'm getting a cramp in my wrist. Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it my wrist sounds like a cement mixer. (LOUD CRACKING) (GRUNTING) Ow! Come on, Seymour! Mau! Didi mau! Ow! I told you no one can climb a rope. It's physically impossible. What part of didi mau don't you understand? Nelson, put that globe down. Milhouse, stay out of my desk. Jimbo, that's my Princi Award. Quiet, Principal Spinner. Whoa! Hey, I got Skinner's key card. We can finally see our permanent records. SKINNER: No! You can't go in there. (KIDS CHEERING) "Underachiever and proud of it." How old is this thing? "Lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism." (GASPS) That's not even a word. Then we'll get rid of the record-- permanently! Hey, look how much Skinner makes. $25,000 a year. ALL: Wow. Let's see. He's 40 years old, times 25 grand... Whoa! He's a millionaire. ALL: Wow! I wasn't a principal when I was one. Plus, in the summer, he paints houses. He's a billionaire! ALL: Wow! If I were a billionaire why would I be living with my mother? (KIDS LAUGH) They're just not responding to logic any more. Oh... I'll never win this alone. There's only one guy who can help me now. Look, I'm throwing paper. (GRUNTS) You're my only hope, Nibbles. Godspeed, Nibbles. Godspeed. Oh, nuts. There you are. Falcon to Eagle. Have located bag-of-crap. Nelson, if you get me out of this there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring. I spit on your monitors. I know. That's why the position's available. Marvellous. Marvellous. Enough! I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose. (BRAYING) Homer! Homer! Homer, wake up. The car's filling with... I know, ranch dressing. A hamster ball! (GASPS) Just like the one that saved Ezekiel. (INHALING) We're free! And we've got something to eat. Woo-hoo! Now, let's go save those kids. You're the camel. Hey, this car's got cruise control. School, please. # Dee-dee-dee, da-da-da-dum... # Homer, that's not how it... (YELLS) It's happening. My horoscope was right! So long, Johnny Tremain. Your Newberry Award won't save you now. Not Huck Finn. I spent hours crossing out the sass-back. We're going to crash. Do you have airbags? No. The church opposes them for some reason. (YELLS) What was that? It sounded like a silo tipping over. Look! The snow's melting! With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride. ALL: Yeah! Dad! (GASPS) You did it, Nibbles. Skinner! Oh, Superintendent Chalmers. What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell? Uh... well, sir, I, uh... There'd be a good explanation for this. There is, sir. Ah, then I'm happy. Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at it's pretending things didn't happen and I think this is one of those. One of which? Exactly. No, seriously, I wasn't listening. One of those situations where... Gotcha! (LAUGHING) Come on, kids, let's leave this awful place and never come back. Boy, that salt really ate through the car. And the exhaust pipe is leaking. Wha...? And furthermore... (BRAYING) Ignore her, effendi. We have each other. Oh, baby. Merry Christmas from the Simpsons! (BRAYING) Captioned by The Caption Centre WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016