1 (CICADAS CHIRRUP) (PHONE RINGS) Hello? MAN: Want to have a little fun? Who is this? Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine. I don't think so. (PPTTTHHH!) What's that noise? Oops! I farted. I didn't think you'd hear me. No. That popping noise. Oh! I'm making popcorn. And getting ready to watch a video. Oooh! What is it? It's just a scary movie. Do you like scary movies? Mm-hm. What's your favourite? Oh, I don't know. Think. Oh, I know, um, 'Kazaam'. You know, the one where Shaq plays a genie. That's not a horror movie. You haven't seen Shaq act. ( CORN POPS ) Hey, you have a nice voice. Thanks. You never did tell me your name. Why do you want to know my name? 'Cause I want to know who I'm looking at. ( OMINOUS MUSIC ) (Gasps) Wha...what did you say? Nice breasts. Look, what do you want? I want to see what your insides look like. Well, then, turn to page 54. Oh. (CORN POPS) Listen, asshole, you've had your fun. Now you better stop or else. Or else what? My boyfriend's arriving any minute. He's black and he'll kick your ass. Oh really? The one who wears make-up and dresses like a woman? How'd you know? Turn the porch lights on. (OMINOUS MUSIC) Help! Help! That's not my boyfriend. (Screams) I'm calling the cops! Go ahead. Call the cops. But you might wanna check the back door first. You forgot to lock it. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (CORN POPS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh! (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (MUSIC CLIMAXES) Take that, you psycho! Oh! I can't feel my legs! I think my arm is broken! Sorry. I want my mommy. (MUSIC BUILDS) Hello, Drew! Oh God! Oh! Oh God! (Screams) (Screams) (DRAMATIC FLOURISH) (Screams) (SOARING ROMANTIC MUSIC) (SCARY MUSIC) (Screams) Argh! Huh? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Daddy! Daddy! Ew! Daddy! Daddy! (Moans) Daddy! No! No! (Screams) (THUNK!) Did you hear something? No, I didn't hear anything. (MUSIC CLIMAXES) (WHOOSH!) (Types on keyboard) (RUSTLE IN BUSHES) (THWHACK!) (Screams) Bobby! What are you doing? My dad's in the other room! I never climbed through your window before. Now that it's out of your system... Bobby! What? You've got to leave! Why? (DOORKNOB TURNS) Shh! Hide! What's going on in there? Ow! Ow! Daddy's head is stuck. Unstick Daddy's head. Ow! Dad, can you knock? Knock? I thought I heard screaming in here. No, you didn't, Dad. It could have been that crack I smoked earlier, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I gotta leave town for a while. No big deal. You know the new business with the Colombians? You mean Uncle Escobar? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Some money's missing, and some legs are going to get broken. I'd better lay low for a while. OK. If the cops raid the place... I never heard of you. And don't forget... To flush your stash. You're my little girl! I love you so much, I left you something in the coffee can. Dad! Step on it before you sell it. What will you cut it with? Um...baking... Baking SODA, not baking POWDER. Baking powder, guys will have muffins growing out their noses. Dad! You love that joke, don't you? You've loved it since you were two. OK. Well. OK. I love you. I love you. Have a good trip. 'Bye. 'Bye. (Funny voice) Is the coast clear? Oh, Cindy! That night-gown! That was close. God! I was home watching 'The Exorcist' and it got me thinking about you. If this is about when I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party! No. No. Er...it was edited for TV. All the good stuff was cut. So you thought you would just climb through my window and we would play bump-bump? I was hoping to get my balls licked, but, um... ..I wouldn't want to break your little underwear rule. So maybe just some on-top-of- the-clothes type stuff. OK. Hmm? But just for a minute. Alright. SONG: # If we are to stay alive # Then see the peace in every eye # Doo-doo-doo-oo-oo # Doo-doo-doo-oo-oo # Doo-doo-doo-oo-oo-oo... # What the...? Wrong set. Mmm... Bobby...oh, Bobby! Mmm... # I don't want to wait # For our lives to be over... # No, Bobby. Don't! ( ZAP! ) ARGGH! Jeez! I see. Yeah. Yeah, my Dad. OK, stud. You have to go now. Oh, about the sex stuff? I was only half serious. I don't want to rush you. Hey, would you settle for PG-13? What's that? Oh, Jeez! ( CRASH! ) Goodnight, Bobby. ( DRAMATIC MUSIC ) (Laughs loudly) Shorty, you're just so loud! And make sure you take your behind to class today. I do be going to class! Lunch is not a class, Shorty. It is when you got the munchies. See, that's why you such a dumbass. Your mother! (Laughs hysterically) You my brother. That's your mother too, jackass! Oh, yeah. Well, then, your father's stupid. So? I don't know him. Yeah, me neither! Hey, girl. You ready? Yeah, in a minute. Come on. We gonna be late. Oh, wait. There's Buffy. (Laughs) I don't know why you hang out with her. She is such a ho. Why do you say that? 'Cause I've seen her. My friend Sean had a pool party this summer... Sean? You know, Puff Daddy? Anyway, everybody was drinking Cristal champagne. It started to get wild. People was getting freaky in the pool. I look over and see your girl getting buck wow in the jacuzzi. So? With a backup dancer! I mean, that's nasty. That's...that's lower than a security guard. At least security can get you backstage! She don't love herself. I don't know. I think Buffy's sweet, Brenda. Oh, she is as fake as press-on nails. Hi, baby girl! Hi! Hi. What is up, my sister? 'Bye, Mr Gilmore. 'Bye. Is he gone? Yeah. SONG: # Do you like what I can see? # It's all about the money # It's the only way to be... # I love this colour. Let me see that! Oh! You guys should not use this brand. Why not? Because they test on animals. So? Look! Have you seen what they do to those poor animals? Well, I'm much more of a people person. I'd like to feed the hungry little children of the world. I'd rather help my fellow man than... Spare a dollar? Get away from me, you bum! Buffy! Can't you see he's just hungry? Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich for you. See? I said a dollar, bitch! (THUMP!) Ow! God! Look at this place! It's a circus! Hello, I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book 'You're Dead, I'm Rich'. A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened ` a brutal killing spree that left one teen dead... That's it! (BANG!) ...two teens dead, and this small town shaken and stirred. It's times like these... Police are combing the area for clues. There are no witnesses available at this time. There are no suspects in custody. Police are asking anyone to come forward. For Black TV ` white folks are dead, we're getting out if here! Let's roll, Jack! Come on! Let's go! Go! Go! Do you think the press will want to talk to us? No! They only want to interview the most ignorant person around. I'm on TV! Oh, shit! First 'Cops', now this! I'm gonna be a star, son! What can you tell us about Drew? She had the phat ass! It was, like, BANG! How close were you to the victim? Real close. Until the roofies wore off. She woke up talking about pressing charges, so I pulled my tongue out of her ass and left. What would have been your last words to Drew? "Run, bitch! Run!" Hey ho, dog. Does this shirt make me look gay? No, man. What about now? No. Cool? Yeah. Take one! Don't forget, elections Tuesday! (Mocking) "Don't forget, elections Tuesday." Oh! Goddamn it! Son of a bitch! What's the matter, honey? My report card. Oh, well. At least you got one 'A'. Yeah, I did, huh? Yeah! Oooh! You're so sexy! Hey, has anybody seen Bobby? Nah. You know what? That kid is always late. I don't get it. He lives so close. GRUNGE SONG: # Why are you any better than anyone else? # Why are you so good? # See you later, Aunty, Momma, Bubba, Jim, Big Jim, Little Jim, Slim Jim, everybody. See you later, Chow Ding. All right. Bye, Bob. Damn, girl! Mm-mm-mm! I'd sure like to get in your pants. Really? Yeah. What size are these? Hey, guys. Hey, Bobby. Hey, baby. How you doing? Good. You guys saw the reporters out there? Yeah. Yeah. They say Drew Decker got killed. I think I knew her. Really? Yeah. She had a brother Steve? Yeah. Long hair? Pretty little mouth? Perfect ass? That was her. I was talking about Steve. Whatever happened to him? Hey, do you guys think it's strange that she got killed exactly one year after we, you know, killed that guy? Cindy, that was an accident. Was it, Greg? (HARP PLAYS) (HEAVY ROCK MUSIC) Yeah! Yeah! Oh! (Laughs) Ooh! Would you look at what they're doing? When are we going to do stuff like that? One day. Mmm! Yeah! You like that, baby? Yeah, that's different. You like that? Yeah! I love when you play with my ass. I'm not playing with your ass! Ray! Oh, am I bad? Come on, man! Hey, Bobby! Put on some music! Hold on. Here, put this on. SONG: # It's raining men... That's the shit right here. # Hallelujah... (Sings) # It's raining men... # Baby! Come on! # I'm gonna go out... # What? It's a classic! # ...absolutely soaking wet... # Turn on the radio, man! (HEAVY ROCK PLAYS ON RADIO) Yeah! Whoo! SONG: # You see 'em coming at you every night. They want protection, they fall for you at first sight... What? It's laundry day. What the...? Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, come over here. What? Just get a little closer. Something you want to tell me? (Unzips fly) Bobby, what are you doing? Just touch it. Come on. Er... Just a little bit. Come on. Whoo! (WHACK!) Argh! Ow! Oh! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Argh! Mmmph! Bobby! Oh my God! Cin... Argh! Oh, Cindy... (THUMP!) Oh shit! (All scream) (TYRES SCREECH) Oh my God. What was that? I think we hit something! Oh man! Bobby! Look at my car, man! My Dad's gonna freak! I didn't see anything. It... It came out of nowhere. Oh my God! We hit a boot! Where's the foot? I don't know! Where the f...! (Screams) It's a body! Shit! Is he alive? I don't know. Check it out! I can't! Shit! Oh, my God. We have to call the police! No way! I ain't going to jail! We have to! Hey, Cindy! You know what they do to young boys in prison? Those sex-starved convicts waiting for fresh meat! You're right, Cindy. Maybe we should call the police. Great idea, Ray! You think Brenda wants to go to jail? This is manslaughter! We'll all fry for this! That's 10 to 15 years! Shut up, Bobby! It's OK! I'm fine! (All argue) I'm fine. Look! We'll get rid of the body! Unnecessary. We'll dump him in the ocean. BRENDA: No. The pier. I guess I'll be leaving now. What about the alcohol? We'll get rid of it. Hurry up! Let's go! In the trunk! I won't have anything to do with this! GREG: Shut up! Cindy! Come on! We'll just pretend it never happened! Like the time we got drunk and went down on each other. You grab that arm. I'll grab this one. I'll grab his ass. We'll dump him in Williamson Cove. The sharks will take care of the evidence. Oh, my God! Someone's coming! Shit! It's Shorty! Brenda! Take care of him! ( DRAMATIC MUSIC ) ( RAP MUSIC ON STEREO ) Shorty, I know you ain't driving without no papers! I got papers, buds, bongs - all the ingredients to make a high nigga pie. (Laughs hysterically) Can I help you? Yo, what's up, Ray? Yo, son, y'all need jumper cables? No, we're cool. Good, 'cause I left my roach clip at home. Go home, Shorty! Yeah. I see you later. Peace, Ray. Get the trunk down! ( THUMP! ) (Man moans) It won't close! I'll do it! (Groans) ( STONED LAUGHTER, RAP MUSIC ) ( OMINOUS MUSIC ) Hold it! Put him down! OK, look. On three, we dump him over the ledge. Wait! Shouldn't we at least check his wallet? For what? Shit, he might have some money! We already committed murder. We might as well rob his ass. I'll take the credit cards. I want the jewellery! I'm gonna take his drawers. (All argue) I got me a gold ring! Credit cards. Let's get him in the water. I don't think I can, Greg. It's not too late. Shut up, OK? Christ, already. I'll do it. Let's get him in the water, OK? One...two...three! Right now, we make a pact. We take this to our grave. Agreed? BOTH: Agreed. Agreed?! Agreed. Agreed. Say it, Cindy! Say it! We take this to our graves! We take this to our graves! Say it! Greg, come on, you're hurting... (Choking) We take this to our graves. Ow! And we never mention this again. Mention what? The guy we just killed! Well, you just mentioned it, Greg! Starting now! Stupid bitch, man! God, I hate him! It's gonna be OK, baby. It's gonna be OK. I promise. Just...touch it again. Come on! Please? ( HARP PLAYS ) You have to move on, Cindy. That's all behind us now. Exactly. It's a coincidence. Greg's right, Cindy. We're not in a horror movie. (All laugh) You guys are right. If we were, they'd probably cast some dingbat like Jennifer Love-HUGEtits to play me. Yeah, they'd cast people in their late 20s, early 30s, to play us! (All laugh) ( BELL RINGS ) Get the camera ready! Here, hold my gum. (Blows) Sheriff, can I get a statement? No comment. Damn! Who do I have to screw around here to get a stupid story? Hey, no running! (Blows whistle) STUDENT: Loser! (Blows whistle) Slow it down! STUDENT: Blow me! Alright. Hi! Gail Hailstorm, field reporter, 'Hard Story'. Special Officer Doofy. Oh, hi, Doofy. Doofy, listen, is there any problem on campus? No comment. OK. No comment. OK. You know, you look awfully young to be a police officer. Yeah, I'm 25 1/2 years old. Oooh! That's this many. Oh, so big! Yeah. It's big. Well, you don't look a day over 12. (Laughs bashfully) Except for the big head and glazed-over look in your eyes. Oooh, is that drool? Yeah, I forgot to swallow. Don't worry, 'cause I never forget. (Laughs) (Farts) Would you remind me not to do that again? Sorry. PRINCIPAL ON LOUDSPEAKER: Due to the recent tragedy, the sheriff and me will be questioning all students. Sounds like we've got the makings of a serial killer. I can't say. It's official police business. Oh. Hey, Doofy, what do you say we go inside my van over there and get to know each other a little better? That van? Yeah, that van right there. (Laughs) Yeah. Yeah, OK, let's go. Come on! ..a terrible tragedy and an unbearable loss. It's days like today that we need prayer in school. It starts to unravel the very moral fabric of our society. Here, you go, baby. You go to your daddy. I'll see YOU after class. Sweet! Alright! OK, class, who would like to give their oral presentation first? Anybody? Yes! Anybody else? OK, Heather. Oh, yes! OK, can I start? Yeah. OK, my presentation is on the First Amendment. And it began on May 25, 1787, in Philly with George Washington. And it states, and I quote, "When our founding fathers argued the passage..." (SPOOKY MUSIC) (TERRIFYING MUSIC) (ROMANTIC MUSIC) (BIRDS TWITTER) ...the First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want... Shut the`! So, who's next? Cindy Campbell. Isn't she the daughter of, er, well, you know? Oh, yeah, Mrs, er... Oh, Mrs... Yeah. The one and only... The one and only... Er, why, hello, Cindy. Hi, Principal Squiggman. Thanks, Doofy. That's Special Officer Doofy today, Cind. Now, Cindy, the Sheriff has some questions he'd like to ask you today. What is that... that godawful smell? I don't know. I gone poopie. Did you just say that you... went poopie? Yeah. It was good. Hmm. Get him outta here. OK. You should now go back to Special A. OK. Salute. Maybe a change of underwear, son. Bye, Doofy. Bye, Cind. How are you, Cindy? Fine. How are you, sir? Loaded, constipated, got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut. You know, the usual. Cindy, I want to ask some questions about Drew Decker. I didn't really know her. Come on, sure you do. No, I mean, I didn't really know her. I been in this game a long time. Don't bullshit a bullshitter, alright? Tell me about Drew. What was she like in bed, Cindy? Aah! Tried to get you! It's an old police trick. You didn't fall for it. Good for you, kid. Hike! (All grunt and shout) (Blows whistle) All right, shower up! Yes! Yo, Dookie, man. Nice play, y'all. Word up. Johnson! What a block, baby! Word up! Fulworth! Hey! Nice ass. Damn. Hey, Greg, man, you gonna hit the showers or what? No, man, I think I'm gonna work out ` you know, beat the bag a little. Suit yourself, kid. All right, last one in the shower's a rotten egg! Come on, y'all! Don't let Uncle Ray catch you! (HEAVY METAL MUSIC) (SPOOKY MUSIC) Who did this? Huh? Where are you? This isn't funny, all right? A small dick's like a disability, man. Would you make fun of a guy in a wheelchair, huh? Would you? Come on out, you sick fuck! I'll kick the shit out of you right now! It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at. It's a shame how she died, you know. She was such a nice girl. Yeah, she used to babysit my brother Doofy. He had the biggest crush on her. Ray, you're a dead man! Hey, hey, hey, hey! You wanna get buck naked and wrestle? Bring it on, Ray! Hold my earring. Where's my vaseline? Take it easy. What's the problem? I'll show you the problem. Oh my! (Laughs) That's you?! They turned the hot water off in the showers, alright? (All laugh) Oh shit! Laugh it up, you guys. Big laugh. You know what? You can all go to hell! Greg, you're not the only one who got one. You mean Bobby's got a baby dick too? No, I was talking about the note. I got one too. Somebody knows! This is bullshit, Cindy. Somebody's just trying to.... with us, you guys. We have to call the police, Greg. You call the police, and I'll kill you myself. (All gasp) You're hurting her, man. That goes for all of you guys! That psycho wants a piece of me, bring it on! But I'm not going to jail! You got that? (Cindy groans) ALL: Ooh. What's everybody talking about? Just forget it, Shorty. You already know too much. (Audience applauds) MC: Aren't they beautiful? (Shouts encouragement) MC: Contestant number one. Very good. And contestant number two. Very good. And contestant number three. AUDIENCE: Buffy! That's my girl! That's my girlfriend! MAN: That's MY girlfriend too! Hey, kiss my ass! Yeah, I'm hitting that too! All right, Buffy! Shut the hell up, man. Yeah, man. Best pussy I ever had! You wanna piece of me? Now, the talent portion of the competition. I'm going downstairs for a closer seat. See you after the show. Number three, Buffy Gilmore. I'm hitting the head. Want anything? No, I'm good. But hurry back, she's going to perform. Don't worry. I'll be back. Good evening, Buffy. What will be your talent for this evening? Acting. I will be doing a dramatic reading. (Boys call out) Buffy Gilmore doing a dramatic reading. Do that thing from 'Baywatch'! Running down the beach and... Look out, Greg! Look behind you! It's him! It's the killer! Huh? Somebody do something! Somebody do something! He's killing him! It must be an original piece. He's killing him! Oh! She's good. She's good. What is wrong with you people? That's fantastic. You fucking bastards! Why won't anyone help? Amazing. She's the next Pamela Lee. Oh, God! Oh, God! No! Greg, hold on! (All cheer) Wonderful. Absolutely fantastic. We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen - Miss Buffy Gilmore! Buffy, wait! You have to go back on stage! He killed Greg! You won! They're calling your name! There's a killer... I won? They're calling your name! Buffy, what happened? What about Greg? Fuck Greg! I won! Congratulations! Out of my way, loser! Miss Buffy Gilmore! (Sings) # Here she comes Miss Teen, she's so fine # Such lovely tits... # Give me my crown, bitch. # And a great behind # There she is, doggie-style anytime # Behind, behind and behind. # Oh! There's no sign of him anywhere. He could have taken the body. That's impossible, Cindy. There's no blood. Look around. I bet it's just Greg playing one of his dumb jokes. He'll turn up, I'm sure. He's probably at my house waiting for us. Fine, but I'll look around some more. Do you mind catching a ride with Buffy? Yeah, no problem. Fine. Call me later. (Hums a tune) ( PHONE RINGS ) Hello? THREATENING VOICE: Hello, Cindy. Who is this? NORMAL VOICE: It's me - Bobby. You know, your boyfriend. I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little jumpy lately. Hey, any sign of Greg? No. Do you want me to come by? No. I'm just gonna take a bath and then I might go to bed. OK. I'd really like to see you but...I love you. Oh, I love you too, baby. ( BUBBLES RIPPLE ) (Sniffs) ( PHONE RINGS ) Bobby, I told you... NASTY VOICE: I still know what you did last Halloween. Who is this? ( ENGAGED SIGNAL ) ( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ) ( PHONE RINGS ) (Screams) Ow! Ow! Hello. I'm gonna kill you. I'll slash you up. Who is this? I'll chop you like liver. What do you want? I'm in the house. (Sniggers) Do you know where I am? (Gasps) I could be anywhere. I'm like the wind, baby. Yeah. Where am I? (Sniggers) Um, you're... you're behind the couch. What? How do you know that? I can, um, see your feet. Ah, shit! OK, turn around. Close your eyes. No peeking. Yeah. No. Nah. Hey, hey! No peeking. No peeking. Turn around. Good. OK, now you can look. Now do you know where I am? (Chuckles) You don't. No, Mr Killer, I don't know where you are. I'll give you a big clue. (Screams) Oh! I gotta stop drinking. Grandma! Hi, baby! Oh! Ow! Ow! My hip! Uh-oh. (Screams) (Screams) ( SIRENS WAIL ) POLICE RADIO: White woman in trouble... (Cries and gasps) ( SCRATCH! ) (Screams) You OK? My God. I heard screaming. What's going on? Bobby, he's here! The killer was here, Bobby. It's OK. I can explain that. Oh, my God. A friend gave them to me. Cindy. Cindy! (Screams) Cindy! Cindy! Cindy! Cindy! Cindy! (Screams) It's me, Cind. Cindy, you know me! Cindy! I know you've had a rough night so I won't keep you. I just want you to look at some photos, tell me what you think. Uh-uh. No? No. I'm sorry, Sheriff. You're sure? OK, you're free to go. Do you have somebody picking you up? Yeah. Just... ..check that one out again. Mmm, no. No? Alright. Well, worth a shot. Alright, thanks. Guess what I did with those hookers we busted. No way. All the way, man! Watch this. Doofy! Yeah? Come on! OK. Special Officer Doofy reporting! Hey, Doofy, smell my fingers. (Laughs) What's that? That's when you know you've become a man, Doofy. Hey, Terry, smell my finger. What the hell is that? My ass. Get the hell outta here. Doofy! Mom said get home now! Tell Mom I'm on official police business. Cindy, are you OK? Hey, hey! No talking to the witness! Get in the car, Doofy. She's coming with us. Does Mom know? Yeah, Doofus. Mom says when I wear this badge you treat me with respect. Mom also said stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner. (All laugh) OK. Three, two... Oh, no! Gosh! Darn! What now? It's all these numbers... Can't you count? I'll make it easy for you. Listen up. This little piggy went to the market, alright? This little piggy stayed home. If this little piggy doesn't roll the camera I'll put my foot... Gail Hailstorm, outside the police station where I'll try and get a glimpse of Cindy Campbell, the young girl who was attacked this evening. You're on my foot! Sorry! What did I say? "Don't ever step on Gail's shoes!" Why not? "Gail wears Prada shoes." You idiot! I'm bad. REPORTERS: Cindy! Can we get a statement? I'm Buffy Gilmore, Miss Teen. She's not talking. Do the police have someone in custody? Come on, Cindy. Cindy, your ass looks fat! Bitch! Good shot! Come on. Alright, who copped a feel? It was me. Oh, my God. It was an accident, Gail! I only touched the top of the breast. It was so tender and... Shut up! ( PHONE RINGS ) Yo? Hello, Shorty. What are you doing? Nothing. Sitting here watching the game. Smoking some bud. Are you all alone? Wazzah! Wazzah! What the...? Who's that? Yo, pick up the phone. Wazzah! Wazzah! Aaaah! Yo! Dookie! Pick up the phone! Yo. Wazzah! ALL: Wazzah! What you doing, son? Nothing. Just chilling. Killing. True. True. So you think Bobby did it? I don't know. But he was there, Buffy. I knew there had to be something. He's just too perfect. Handsome, smart, good in bed. What did you say? I... Hey, Cind, got you an icepack for your hand. Ow! Sorry. I'll get you one for your head. No, no. That's OK, Doofy. Hey, we're gonna get that guy you dumped in the water. Yeah. I'll be next door if you need me. 'Night, Cind. Buffy, you told him? The moron overheard a conversation Greg and I were having. What if he says something? Who'll believe a retarded retard like him? Don't worry. Cindy, telephone. Thank you. Hello? SCARY VOICE: Hello, Cindy. Guess what? No! You got the wrong guy. No! Yep, it's not Bobby. Doofy! Who is this? ( DIAL TONE ) Doofy! Doofy! Hello? Hello? I said, don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room! 1 I heard Bobby got out this morning. I haven't seen him around. Was he pissed? You mean since you branded him the Candy Man? No, his heart is broken. It's like I seen this all before. They had a killer at your old high school? No! It was in this movie, 'Scream'. Same dialogue. How did it end? I dunno. Some nigga started shooting up in the movie theatre, so we just broke out. OK, I say we all just stick together. Tonight, everyone meet at my house and bring some friends, but don't tell everyone, OK? Try to keep it quiet. OK. Yo! Party at Cindy's house! Drunk white women for everybody! BOYS: Yay! Hey, if you see Bobby, tell him I love him. OK, if I see Bobby... I'll tell him I love him. Jesus! It's OK. It's all right, it's just me. You don't still think it's me, do you? No, it's just that somebody tried to kill me. The police said I scared him away. I know. He called me last night. See? It couldn't have been me. I was in jail last night. You're the best. I'm sorry. Please understand. Understand my girlfriend would rather call me a killer than touch me? That's not true! Then what? She's gone, and she's not coming back! It's been over a year! But Ginger was an important part of the Spice Girls! You gotta move on. I'm sorry if my complicated life is an inconvenience to your perfect existence. Cindy. Cind! Everybody listen up. Let me just say that the killing of these teenagers has been tragic. But, er... hey, you know, shit happens. ALL: Sheriff! Sheriff! Yes, Miss Thunderstorm? Have they found Cindy Campbell's father? No. Isn't he a suspect? That's classified information. Where are you getting that? I'm sorry but my sources are strictly confidential. Hey, Gail. Gail swallows! Watch this. Hello? Who is this? What? You want to kill me? Oh, God! Hold on. Cindy, it's for you. (All laugh) Alright, knock it off, Buffy. Now, as you've all heard, there's a killer in our town and the police asked us to give you the following safety tips. Stay in well-lit areas. Do not travel alone whenever possible. Always wipe front to back. And remember - never, ever believe someone when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair will rid you of crab infestation. Now, I understand this is a difficult time for you young ladies. If anyone needs to come to my office to talk, I'm here for you. (Girl whispers) Oh, my God. What a crock of shit. It's not, Buffy! He's real! (All laugh) (Breathes deeply) Miss Mann? Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra, if you'd like. No, thanks. What can I do for you, Cindy? I need to talk. See, I have this problem and I don't know who to tell. Not feeling so fresh? Huh? Feminine odour and itching got you down? Oh, no. No, not that. Then, what is it? I have a terrible secret. Well, Cindy, we all have our little secrets. Sometimes we do things we're not so proud of. Some for money, others to gain the athletic edge on the competition. Sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us. Oh! You know what I mean? Yes, I do, Miss Mann. Thanks for ball...I mean all your help. I have to go to class. Any time, dear. Buffy, are you coming? I'll catch up with you guys in a sec. SCARY WHISPER: Red rum. Hello? Somebody there? Hello? (Shrieks) Very funny. Who put you up to this, Cindy? Lose the cape. It's way too '90s horror. So what movie is this from? 'Die, Cheerleader, Die'? Wanna play psycho-killer? Can I be the helpless cheerleader? (Gasps) Oh, so is this where I'm supposed to beg for my life? Please, Mr Killer, don't kill me. (Gasps) Oh. So is this where I'm supposed to bleed? Oh, look, I'm bleeding. Eek. Eek. Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to run, right? (Giggles) OK! I'm running! I'm running! Help! Help! Oh, now I'm gonna fall and break my leg, leaving me helpless. Oh! There you go, Mr Scary Killer. I'm panicking now! (Pretends to sob) Oh, God! Somebody, please help me! Oh, God, no! (Sobs) No! Oh, now what? Ooh, I guess this is the big climax. Hope you don't mind if I fake it. (Screams) Oh, look at me. I'm all dead. I'm a gross, scary severed head. Come on! Please! Do you know who I am? I'm Miss Teen. You're giving me a headache. You got blood on my Gucci sweater. I hope you're paying for that. I will not be ignored by the likes... I'm gonna jump! Bill, get back in there. No! What are you doing up there? Be reasonable. I can't take this fucking job or those greasy shithead teenagers anymore. I'm going to end it all! Wait! Hold on! We're getting help for you. We know Bobby's not the killer, so who is? I don't know. If the killer was in your house, why didn't he kill you? Because he's just messing with us! Don't you see? He's got us where he wants us. We can't go to the police. He's out there, watching us and waiting for us. (Shouts) What are you waiting for, huh? What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? What am I waiting for? (Yells) What am I waiting for? What are you waiting for? Fuck you! (All gasp) WOMAN: Oh, my God! I don't think this party is a good idea. I won't let nothing happen to you. I just don't feel right. Why can't we do something else? OK, we'll go to the movies. Huh? You like that? Yes. See a little movie, huh? ( FUNKY SONG BEGINS ) Hey! That is my song! They gave me a shout-out on the album. What? Yes. (Sings) # Everywhere I go # I see the same ho! # Mmm, Brenda. Did I tell you how sexy you look in my jersey? I do, baby? Yes. I like it. Hey, get up. Go over there, let me see it. (Giggles) Oh! Oh, yes! I like that. You like that? You like that? Yeah. Hey, put this on with it. (Laughs) Ray, you are so freaky! You know I'm freaky, girl. Go on, pull it up. (Both grunt) Ah. Ah! (Laughs) Here, put this on with it. Go on. You sure? Go on, girl, go on! Pull it on. OK. Go on. I like that look. Ooh. I'm bad! Here, put this on with it. Go on, girl. Put it on! Get that shit on there. Come on. Just shove it on. Do it. Yeah. Ooh, so fucking sexy! Come here, girl! Bring your sexy ass over here! Come on! Charge! (Giggles) (Roars) Ah! Yes! Yes! Come on! Turn around, turn around. Yes, Brandon! Take it, Brandon! Take it, Brandon! Who? Er, Brenda. Come on, put the helmet on. No, let's role play. You get me. Get me, come on. Come on. I'm here at Lovers Lookout. It's dark, it's in the middle of nowhere, and it's where hormone-driven teens fool around. So very likely, we're about to see someone get killed. There's a girl in that car, blouse unbuttoned, all alone. Let's see if she'll speak with us. Hi, Gail Hailstorm, author of the new book, 'You're Next'. Oh yeah! Can you tell us your name? My name's Heather... Heather, can you tell us what you're doing here alone? Well, yeah, sure. My boyfriend and I were just making out and then we heard a noise so he went to check it. But that was 10 minutes ago. Yeah. Heather, has it crossed your little mind that your boyfriend was murdered and you'll be slaughtered next? Really? No way! Way. Good luck. Thanks, you're the best. (Screams) Just what I thought! The murder is happening as we speak. I'm gonna try and break up the bloodshed. Excuse me, Heather. Can you tell us what you're feeling? Lots of pain. Gail, please help me. Gail, please! I'd like to help, but it's sweeps. Sir, can I get a word with you? You've got a lot of nerve! I'm just doing my job. Get the camera off. Kenny, keep rolling! I'll slice your head off! Get that camera off me! Kenny! Kenny, move your fat ass! Kenny! Oh, God, he's right behind us! KENNY: This murderer's chasing us! (Grunts) (Whispers) I am so scared right now. I just want to say, to the family of my cameraman, Kenny, I am so sorry. This was my interview. My story. It's all my fault. BREEZY MUSIC You want some popcorn? Uh-uh. I brought me a little snack of my own. ( RUSTLING ) You want some chicken? No. Mm-hm. For all y'all talkers up in here. It's time to keep it down. Shh! "Shh" back at you! Shh! Why they acting already? Ain't nothing but the previews. ( DRAMATIC MUSIC ) VOICE-OVER: The largest ship the world had ever known. Its 400 passengers and crew on a maiden voyage to a brave new world. A journey that would change their lives forever. Whoo! I'm the king of the world! (Yells) Whoo-hoo! Argh! 'Amistad II'. MAN: Get your ass back down there, boy! I'm going to the bathroom. Don't leave, the movie's starting. Here, take your hot sauce. Hurry up, now, don't be long. Back up! Let him through! You can move back some. You don't own the theatre. ( CHEERING ) ( BELL RINGS ) COMMENTATOR: And they're off! It's Number 3 in the lead, Number 2 close behind. And Number 3 is the winner! ( TRUMPET SOUNDS ) ALL: Whoo! MAN: Yeah, partner. Number 2 has placed and Number 4 to show. Next week's triple crown starts at 2:30. ( STRANGE GIGGLE ) (Giggles) Hey, who was that? Go on, do it again! Do it again! (Gasps) ACTRESS: Anon! BRENDA: Mm. Mm-mm. MM-MM! (Shouts) Don't go in there! (Both actors scream) (Screams) (All gasp) (Laughs hysterically) I'm gonna have a heart attack! Damn, this is some scary shit! (Laughs) Oh, I am scared! Excuse me. I think I paid my money like everybody else up in here. ..her favour were I... That ain't no man! You can see her real hair! Do you mind? I know you better get out of my face! Out of my face. Out of my face. This is all me up in here. You handle that! MAN: Shut the fuck up! WOMAN: Yeah. Mm-MM! This movie is GOOD! Hey, baby. You came back just in time. She's about to get it on with Shakespeare... Shut up. Yeah, I got you! I got you on camera. You on 'Candid Camera' now. You ain't know that. ( MOBILE PHONE RINGS ) (All groan) Hello. Hi, girl. I'm in a movie. Uh-huh. 'Shakespeare in Love'. Uh-uh! Oh! You lying. For Christ's sake, will you just shut your trap! Shut up! Hold on. I don't know why y'all is acting like this. My girlfriend says they break up at the end of the movie anyway. (All groan) Give me that! Right on! Will you sit down! Shut up! Your ass is grass. (Gasps) This is for Thelma! And Louise! This is for talking through 'The Fugitive'. You ruined 'Schindler's List'. All Jackie Chan movies. 'Boogie Nights'. And 'Big Momma's House'. (All boo) MAN: Give it to her! (Wails) ( CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ) ( SILENCE ) ACTOR: ..marry the daughter of Sir Robert de Lessops... ( ROCK MUSIC BLARES ) Um, you guys, there's a few too many people. Honey, please don't throw up. No! Hey, you guys, stop. Hey! Please, that's my dad's! No, don't touch... ( SMASH! ) Ah, no! Do you have more beer? Yeah, check in the garage. No, no. No! ( SMASH! ) ( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ) ( CRASH! ) Kitty, you scared me. (Meows) ( CRASH! ) (Whinnies) Horsie, you scared me too. Hello? Who's there? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, please don't. Please, I'm just a day player. (Screams) (Squeals) (Screams) (Screams continuously) ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Whoo! (All cheer) Yeah! Yeah! Oh, Bobby. Bobby! (Slurs) I was worried about you. I thought the killer got to you before I could. Could what? I want to go upstairs. There's something I want to show you. (Chuckles) Yeah. Alright. Yeah. Hey, party on! (All cheer) (Vomits) So... (Laughs) So... (Laughs) Here we are. Again. Yeah. And, you know, if you're not ready... ..I'll understand. Bobby. I am ready. You are? Yeah. I can't keep fighting these urges. I have to just give in to them and let them flow. Right. Bobby, I have been so selfish. It's just like a scene from a movie or something. Only it isn't a movie, Bobby. This is real life. It's all a movie, baby. There's the sound guy. There's the script supervisor. How you doing, baby? Bobby. What? What I mean... Mmm. ..is that in real life, you have to enjoy each moment. Yeah. ( ROMANTIC MUSIC ) (Moans) (Moans) Oh! Ah! Ah! (Both mumble) 1 Can I tell you a secret? Sure, man. I see dead people. (Laughs) Man, this shit is awesome! Yo, son, you gotta roll some more of that shit! We don't have any more papers, man. We don't have any more papers. (Tuts) Oh man. What can we use to make a bong? ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeah! (OMINOUS MUSIC) (Rasps) Oh... shit, son. ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! (Giggles) This is good shit. (All cheer) (GENTLE MUSIC) Bobby! I've never done this before. (Whispers) It's OK. It's OK. It's just like... It's like sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop. A Tootsie Pop? Yeah. A cherry flavoured one. Ohhh... With the fudge in the middle. (Slurps) OK. (Whispers) Just like that. Just like that, baby. ( SLURP! ) Argh! Oh! Jesus! I never could wait to get to the chewy middle! You know what - let me. Goddamn. SONG: # I'm on a rocket ship To a mother ship # I'm flying solo but don't know if I can stop # Don't ask me why # Don't make me lie # Just get back Just sit back # Enjoy the ride # 'Cause I'm a spaceman... # (Giggles) Guess it's been a while. Oh! Oops! (Giggles) It's very, er, '70s of you. (Giggles) (Moans) Oh, yeah. Oh, Bobby! (Gags) Come here, Bobby! I want it now! Oh, man, am I fucking stoned! Me too. Me too. Hey! Hey, you guys hear that? (Imitates theme from 'Friday the 13th') (Laughs) (All laugh) Shh. Shh! (Dials phone number) WOMAN: Hello? Hello? Hello? What's your favourite scary movie? (All laugh hysterically) Shh! (Scary voice) I'm going to gut you like a fish! Oh, yeah! OH, YEAH! WHAT'S MY NAME, BOBBY? What? WHAT'S MY NAME, BITCH! Ow, God! It's Cindy. Whose is it, Bobby? WHOSE IS IT, BOBBY! It's yours. (Howls) (Roars) Oh, my God... ( RUMBLING ) (Yells) Oh...shit! Argh! (Raps) Don't even contest 'cause I'll make you undress like porn dancers, waiting for an answer. Hey, yo, I'm sick of artificial MCs, like silicone titties. Yo, check it, y'all. For the cheap ball, I want to smoke cheech and chong. To fuck long, I let my ding-a-long hit the bong. And then the song. Pass the dutchy to the left, because the right way is wrong. Whoo-hoo! I got one! Here it goes. Ready? I'm gonna slash and gash, cut another hole in your ass. Spill blood on walls, play tennis with your balls. Phone rings - don't answer that call. Gonna slit your throat, fuck you like a goat, peel your foreskin off, make a coat. Peace. Yo! That was the illest rhyme I ever seen, son! Bobby. Where were you tonight? What? I was just curious. What took you so long to get here? Why are you so curious? I don't know. I thought it would fit the '90s horror cliche if you turned out to be the killer. (Scoffs) You think I killed Buffy and Greg? Buffy and Greg are dead? I thought you knew that. Oh, my God! Bobby, turn around! It's the killer! Argh! (Screams continuously) Cindy! Oh, my God! Bobby! Bobby! Bobby, it's OK. Give me the gun. It's going to be OK, Bobby. Yo, wait for me! There's a killer in the house. There's ass, blood and guts everywhere. Someone done going crazy, son! (Chuckles) We all go a little crazy sometimes. Bobby, no! (Screams) Oh, shit, son! (Sobs) Oh! Oh, my God! (Gasps) Cindy, he shot me in the lungs. (Inhales) You want a hit of this shit? Ketchup. Just like my mom puts on her spaghetti, baby. Oh, my God. Ray, you gotta help me! Bobby's gone crazy! WOMAN'S VOICE: Surprise. SCARY VOICE: Surprise, Cindy. Why are you doing this, Bobby? Why? WHY? You hear that, Ray? She wants a motive. Did 'Scream' have a plot? No. Did 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' make any sense? Don't think so! What about the sequel? What's with that fat white Jamaican? I want to kill that motherfucker. It's bad casting, Bobby. How about this for a motive? Lack of sex! It can cause serious deviant behaviour. I thought you loved me. Oh, I did, baby. I did. But abstinence makes you discover new things about yourself. That's right, Cindy. I'm gay. In case you haven't noticed, so is Ray. What? I ain't gay. You took me to that club. So? They play good music. What about our trip to San Francisco then? I wanted to go shopping. But...you made love to me. No. YOU sucked MY dick... Whatever. The point is, Cindy, that I'm a new man. I'm ready to leave all this behind and start a new life. So you kill all your friends? Oh, no. Just you. And maybe Shorty, but that wasn't planned or anything. But here's the genius part. We're copycatting a serial killer that already exists. It's the perfect crime, Cindy. But wait! There's more! Hang onto your seat, baby! 'Cause this one's a screamer! I'll be back! Uh-oh! Big-ass, come on! Dad! What are you going to do, frame him? Nah, we're just having a bit of fun with old daddy-o. The police are going to find you and Daddy both dead and me and Ray the only survivors of a maniac's revenge. You ready? I'm ready. Let's do this. Let's do this shit. Come on. Right. Give it to me. Give it to me. Wait, wait, wait! Wait! Alright. You ready? Ready. Come on. Come on. Give it to me! Give it to me! Wait! Wait! Wait! Remember what we talked about? How many times you wanna go over this? Alright? Trust me. OK, I got this shit. Come on. Wait! Wait! Wait! I'll cut your throat! Stop acting like a little girl. Come on. Come on. You're right. You ready? Come on! (Screams) You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows! No! Watching television shows doesn't create psycho-killers! Cancelling TV shows does! 'The Wayans Brothers' was a good show, man! A goodass show and we didn't even get a final episode! Take it easy! I'm feeling woozy here. It's my turn. Give me the knife. Get the fuck outta here. Ain't nobody stabbing me. (Cindy screams) Surprise, Cindy. (Cindy screams) Eee-yah! Oh! Ow! Ohh! Argh! Argh! ( ELECTRONIC MUSIC ) Urrggh! Yah! Ohh. Argh! Wooo-hooo. Yah! Hold on a second. Just give me a moment. Ah! Oh! (Cracks spine) Oh yeah. That's it. OK. Aye-yah! ( IRISH MUSIC PLAYS ) Aaargh! ( EPIC MUSIC PLAYS ) Hoo-wyee! (Screams) Dad. Are you OK? I told you not to have a party unless I was here. But, Dad, you were here, in the closet. That's right. Did you get some girlfriends' numbers for me? Dad, they're dead. You know, I can't get a break. Is that the cops? OK, listen, honey, help me up now. If the cops come, tell them I'm a plumber. You had a leaky faucet, called me. We don't know each other. ( SIREN WAILS ) No! No! (Whispers) Dad, get your arms down. What the hell's going on here? Sheriff, it's a bloodbath in there! He was right here! I swear it! Who was? The killer! The guy that murdered all my friends! And the sick bastard that planted drugs in the house there, all over the place. Alright, Cindy, I'll have to take you down to the station. I'm cool though, right? OK? Let's go, Cindy. Cindy. (Whispers) Call me. Daddy will get you out, honey! OK, let's go over this again. You say it was an accident? Yes. He was on the road. And he came back to get revenge? It has to be him, Sheriff. Hey, Sheriff, you wanted me to give this to you. That'll be all, Doofy. OK, I'm gonna go then. Alright. Alright. 'Bye, Cind. I'm sorry, Cindy. It wasn't the man you guys killed. His name was David Keegan. Some fishermen found his body. He's buried in Lakewood Cemetery. That's impossible. Then I don't know who it could be. It's got to be someone connected with the victims, someone who knew about the accident. Someone who could move around without being noticed. Oh, my God! She used to babysit Doofy. He had the biggest crush on her. It's me, Cind. 'Night, Cind. Doofy! Shithead? Have you seen Doofy? No. Have you seen Doofy? No, sir. Has anybody seen Doofy? Yeah, just went out the back, Sheriff. Doofy! SONG: # He was alone under the big city lights # He always knows just when the time is right # He never shows what he's thinking # He keeps it inside # Because he's too cool for school # He comes alive when the sun goes down # He gets it right You know he's always down # He got one eye open and his ear to the ground # And he's too cool for school # He's an operator He's a real player # And if you mess with him You know you'll never win... # NO! (Continues howling) (Laughs) Shit, son. Yo, what the deal? If you're watching this tape right now that means I didn't make it. Either I'm a prisoner, or worse - dead. But either way it goes, I'm telling you the rules to survive this situation. Rule number one - you gotta be quick. Rule number two - don't fall down. And rule number three - whatever you do, never look back. Y'all wish me luck. Snatch and run! Yah! Come back here, you motherfucking son of a bitch! SONG: # You want drama? Wanna make a scary movie? # Rappers comin' in with they team, they carry toolies # Jump out of the screen and barely move me # We hard-hittin', directin' and starrin' in it # You want drama? Wanna make a scary movie? # Rappers comin' in with they team, they carry toolies # Jump out of the screen and barely move me # We hard-hittin', directin' and starrin' in it # Bad The bad # The evil # Put them together # Two times # Where's the 5Nine? # Da da da da I'm gonna slash and gash # Cut another hole in your ass # Spill blood on the walls Play tennis with your balls # Phone rings - don't answer the call # I'm gonna slit your throat, fuck you like a goat # Peel your foreskin off and make a winter coat # I'll scoop out your eyes Scrape the meat off your thighs # 'Cause everyone who meets up with me # In the end eventually dies # I'm the last thing you see I hang you from a tree # Scare the shit out of you Watch you pee # I'm a badass Ain't nobody so ice-cold # I'm the fuckin' I'm the badass # There ain't nobody that ice-cold # 'Cause I'm the fuckin' I'm the slice-and-dice # 'Cause murder's my vice # Stab you once, twice, maybe even thrice # Carve initials in your liver Make you quiver, deliver # Yeah, that'd be nice # Dissect your heart Rip your entrails apart # Hack off your head That's just the start # Scary movie Make people do a doobie # Make 'em pee up the place when they see my face # I got a PhD in how to use cutlery # You'll yell and squeal as I turn you to veal # I chopped a virgin beaver with my shiny butcher's cleaver # Cries of fear is music to my ears # I put Oscar Mayer's wiener in a bun # Slap on some relish Ain't we havin' fun? # I'm the badass # There ain't nobody that ice-cold # 'Cause I'm the fuckin' I'm the badass # There ain't nobody Yeah, ice-cold # 'Cause I'm the fuckin' # I'll clean your gut Treat you like a slut # Shove your mutilated organs up your butt # I'll slit you ear to ear # Then I'll slam a beer # Saw off your toes Jam 'em in your nose # Cut your tongue out Feed it to a trout # Fry him in a pan Shoot it out my can # Aim it at your face Then you'll know your place # I promise you pain I'm totally insane # I promise you pain I'm totally insane # I promise you pain I'm totally insane # I'll tell you once again I'm the badass # There ain't nobody Yeah, ice-cold # Cause I'm the fuckin' I'm the badass # There ain't nobody Yeah, ice-cold # There ain't nobody # I promise you pain I'm totally insane... # MAN: Help! (Woman screams) RAP: # Like my scrotum, here it is in a nutshell. # 1972 # That's the year I got here When my mother's water blew # Not realising the prize that's been begot to her # The bona fide high-octane philosopher # Genius with a penis # I liked me so much I bought the company # Soul sold to Satan for some luck # I'm rare like a straight guy at Starbucks # Thank the thinkers who thunk the theorised # Idolised or despised I'm recognised # Mount Rushmore - ignore it Can't rock with no big head # Some people want me Some want me dead # I'm the Angel of Def Rhyming against humanity # Between brilliance and insanity # Part the Fuehrer Part the Pope # The inevitable return of the Great White Dope # Conclusions you drew Proportions you blew # Lost son of Iggy? Bigger nose than Ziggy? True # I'm Jimmy Pop My pop's Dick # Don't admit to kick it You think derelict # Down for missed notes Put up with misquotes # Don't want the whole story? Buy the Cliff notes # Give me no credit for having class # One thumb on the nation's pulse # One in your girlfriend's ass # Written off Calling me a joke # I'm no sell-out but I enjoy Coke # I struck gold but never took it for granted # Fans demand it You'll never understand it # When I die Plan on mass pandemonium # They'll display my brain at the Smithsonian # Part the Fuehrer Part the Pope # It's the inevitable return of the Great White Dope # Part the Fuehrer Part the Pope # The inevitable return of the Great White Dope # One part the Fuehrer One part the Pope # The inevitable return of the Great White Dope # One part the Fuehrer One part the Pope # The inevitable return of the Great White Dope # One part the Fuehrer One part the Pope # The inevitable return of the Great White Dope # Great White Dope Great White Dope # Great White Dope Great White Dope # Great White Dope Great White Dope # Great White Dope Great White Dope # Great White Dope Great White Dope... # RAP MUSIC For a list of the week's captioned shows, see Teletext pp 321-327. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Captioning NZ 2003 This isn't easy for me. I know we've been together a long time, but I found somebody else. OK? I'm in love. Don't look at me like that! We can still be friends. You can come into my room whenever you like. You just can't... No. No! OK, just one time. (WHIRR!) Yeah! That's it! Ooh! www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.