# One of your old favourite songs from way back when. So, take her wrap, fellas. # Find her an empty lap, fellas. # Dolly will never go away. # Dolly will never go away. # Dolly will never go away # again # Thank you. Hey, do you guys know this one? (ALL GASP) Now, this is the real shit! (ALL) # Shake your ass, watch yourself. # Shake your ass, show me what you're working with. # Attention, all young players and pimps, right now is the place to be. # I thought I told y'all niggers before y'all niggers don't fuck with me. # Shake your ass, watch yourself. # Shake your ass, show me what you're working with. Shake your ass... # You suck! (TRICKLING) (ALL GASP) Hm. (Who let the horse out?) She's good. She's been really sick. Argh! Bad, bad, bad girl! # "Tubular Bells" - Mike Oldfield OK, that'll be 17.50. Hey, buddy! Hey, pay the fare! (BANGING) I'm Father McFeely. Glad you're here. I came as fast as I could. At my age the soldier needs more thumping before it starts pumping. But if I tickle my asshole just before I unleash the dog of war` It's OK. I understand. Cos in the old days,... you know... (SHRIEKING) How is she? It's gotten worse, Father. Really? S-S-She won't eat, she won't talk. The child won't even let me touch her! Yes. Sometimes you have to give 'em candy. Father. The church sent me to assist you. I'm Father Harris. Nice to see you. Would you like to see the girl? Soon. But first I must bless this house. "The sorrows of death compassed me and the pains of hell got hold upon me." "I found..." (BUZZING) "Then, called I upon the name of the Lord and..." (SPLUTTERS) "...my soul from death." Oh, God! "Please, Lord, help me to release this demon!" (TRUMPETING FART) Ahh! A-A-Ahh! Thank you, Lord, the most merciful, Almighty... Oh! Hold on. (FARTS) (PLOPPING) Ahh! Ahh, those enchiladas! Ahh! Thank you, Lord. # "Tubular Bells" - Mike Oldfield (GROWLS) Aaaaaaaagh! Fuck this. Fuck this. Father. Did you see this?! Look at this! Father, think of the child. Yes. Oh, it's freezing. Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! (TWANG!) (GRUNTS) Let us pray. "Defender of the human race, look down in pity "upon this, your servant." Shut up, you worthless piece of shit! Aaaaagh! Silence! Aaaa...! Mmmm! "Holy Lord..." Your mother's in here, Harris. Would you like to leave a message? Yes. Mom, would you get out of there, please?! You're no fun! I'm working! See you later, Mrs Harris. "Holy Lord, Almighty Father and..." Aaaargh! "...everlasting God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ "and the Virgin Mary's baby Daddy. Holy Lord, Almighty Father, "everlasting God, who once consigned that fallen tyrant to the flames of hell. "who sent your only son into the world to crush the roaring tiger, "and who got that unholy bitch Geri kicked off Survivor... "and who got that unholy bitch Geri kicked off Survivor... Fuck me! Fuck me! Father! Father! This is not part of the ritual. "In the name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy...!" "In the name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy...!" (CACKLES) Bleurgh! Bleurgh! Here you go, Father. All clean. Oh, thank you so much. OK. All right. (GIGGLES) (DEMONIC VOICE) You failed! Your weapons are useless against me! Let us pray. (BOTH) "Our Father, who art in heaven,..." (LAUGHS) Stop it! "...hallowed be thy name." Zip it! "Thy Kingdom come..." Your mother sucks cocks in hell! Shit. Suck on this! Uh-oh! # I let you go, let you go, # like a dozen balloons # without even thinking. # I didn't know. Now I know it was much too soon. # It was much too soon # So, you think you made it into the class, Shorty? I hope so, Cindy. You could use the grade, huh? Naah! I need a place to stay. Mom Dukes kicked me out! I learned something important in college, the value of books! Really? Yeah, look at this here. Free papers! (LAUGHS MADLY) Jesus! So, how are you diggin' college? I don't know. It's OK, I guess. I feel like such a geek sometimes, though. Everyone's so cool and I'm... not. Oh, come on, Cindy. You ain't that bad. All you need is a little bit of flavour. And maybe some new gear. Gear? You know, that's slang for clothing. Oh. Yeah, come on. We're gonna cool you up right now. Don't sit like this, first of all. Don't sit like that. Sit cool. OK. Don't sit like that. Sit cool. OK. Yeah, feel yourself, son. Like that. Uh! Uh! Yeah. (BOTH) Uh! That's cool. Uh, yeah! Now let me show you some moves. (BOTH) Right! Left! Uh, son! Uh! Right! Left! Right! Kick! Uh, son! Uh, son! And throw a little bit of slang in there. Yo! That jacket is tight, son! Ya mean?! Yo! That jacket is tight, son! Ya mean? Ya mean? Yeah. Yeah, s-something like that. Throw it all together. OK. Right! Left! Right! Kick! Argh! Yo! That jacket is tight! Now run that shit, bitch! Ya mean?! That's the shit, dog! Oh, man, you boners aren't ready yet?! Dude, relax. I'm telling you, we'll get there on time, all right? Yo, dogs, what do y'all think? Tucked in or out? Yo, dogs, what do y'all think? Tucked in or out? (BOTH) Out, man! That's what I thought. You would be ready if you hadn't partied. Oh, man, it was so awesome! I got so wasted, man! I did, like, a keg myself! I woke up naked in a tub of ice! Yeah, man! Oh, shit, you got a tattoo. Oh, shit. What's it say? Ray! Ray! Oh, man. Oh, shit! You got a tattoo too! Oh, really? Dude, what's it say? Fucked me. (LAUGHS) Fucked me. (LAUGHS) Oh, sweet, man! Ray! Fucked me! Fucked me! Ray! Fucked me! Fucked me! (BOTH) Ray fucked me! Fucked me! (BOTH) Ray fucked me! Yeah! (LAUGHS) Whoo! What, man? Oh! Oh! Wedgie moment! (LAUGHS) Come on! You're gonna give me a yeast infection. Hey, girl, that jacket is slammin'. Thanks. Be careful, some girl got her ass whipped and her jacket stolen today. Some people is so ghetto! What class have we got next? Psychology. Oh, me, too! 101? In room 302 at ten o'clock? That's it! Oh-hoo! This is too much! I got these psychic powers on lock! Remind me to get a Lotto ticket! Oh, don't split the pole! That is very, very bad luck. My psychic told me. Do you believe in that stuff? I do. (HORN BLARES) Are these all the subjects? Yes, sir. Those with near-death experiences are on the top. Any of them hot? As I'm sure you are aware, Professor, subjects close to death are more likely to have the suggestibility required for paranormal investigation, which is why I gave them special consideration. Oh, good thinking, Dwight. Traumatised co-eds are a sure thing. Oh, I like her! Oh, yes, sir. That is Cindy Campbell. Uh, classic abandoned personality disorder. Uh, she seems guarded, but willing. And this? That is Ray Wilkins, sir. I couldn't figure him out, but he seemed eager and pleased to meet me. What's this? I... He sent it after the interview. Where did you find these kids? Sir, they're all survivors of the Stevenston County Massacre. Oh, fantastic! These kids are exactly the catalysts we need... to awaken the spirits of Hell House. Um, sir, exactly how are we gonna get them up there? We'll tell them it's part of the class. We'll say,... excuse me,... that they're participating in a study of sleep disorders. We are gonna make history, Dwight. The first documented, unrefuted evidence of life after death. Welcome, everybody. I'm Professor Oldman. Each of you have been carefully selected to be in this class, for which you receive an automatic grade of A upon completion. Now, this year's study is insomnia. (SNORES) We are going to spend a weekend together, where we've established a controlled environment in which we'll study your various sleep disorders. I'll be passing out directions... I can do it. No, you can't! I can do it! No, Dwight! I can... myself... do it! Now, you should all be there by 6pm tonight and plan to stay through Monday. I'll see you all this evening. Hey! You left your book back there. Oh, thanks. I'm Cindy. Buddy. Hey. We're spending the weekend together. Yeah. Do you wanna get together and... study or something? Study? That's kind of bad. I'm sorry, Buddy. You seem like a really nice guy, but I just got out of a really bad relationship, so I'm not quite ready to start dating yet. Oh. But, hey, you know, maybe we could be friends. Sure. Yeah, cool! Friends. OK, see you later, friend! All right, pal! Aaaaaaaaaaargh! Wedgie! Smell you later! "(RADIO) # As we go on..." (SINGS OUT OF TUNE) # We remember # all the good times # we had together. # As our lives change, # come whatever, # we will still be # friends forever... # "Hey! Will you shut the fuck up and let me sing?! (CLEARS THROAT)" "# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la" "# La, la, la, la, la, la, la #" Aaaaaaaaargh! Hello? O-O-O-O-Ouch! Hello? Hello?! (SQUAWKING) Hi, little guy. Look at you. Little?! I'm not little! I'm hung like a bull, lady! Have you ever seen a bird dick this big? Too much for you, huh, baby? Yeah. Step off, then, sweet cheeks. Come back when you want some real lovin'. OK. Hello? Aaaaaaaaagh! Aaaaaaaaagh! Aaaaagh! Aaaagh! (LAUGHS MADLY) I-I-I-I'm sorry, child. Did I,... Did I frighten you, child? Oh, I-I'm sorry. Are you scared? Alright, I'll sing to you. # God is in # his holy temple. # (HUMS) Better? I'm here with Professor Oldman's group. Oh, I'm Hanson. I'm the caretaker. Hi. Hi. And what's your name, sweet child? I'm Cindy. Cindy. Oh, but the resemblance is striking. Look at the thin cheekbones... Oh! ...and the same lips. Same,... Same eyes and look at your hair. Oh, I'm sorry. You've got the same nose. Tickle, tickle. Bee-boop! Bee-boop, on the nose! Shall I show you to your room? Oh, that's heavy. Whoo, that's heavy! I better use my strong hand. Aaagh! Clumsy! Oh, no ` no, that's fine! Look, you got the panties and... I can get that. Look at these. (INHALES) Oh! E-E-E-Er...! (GIGGLES) Can't forget your toothbrush. Oh! You're gonna need that later. Here we go. Follow me, child. Watch my bottom. Coming through. Oh! Come along, right this way. Here we are! So,... do you live here by yourself? Well, yes. We've tried to rent it out, but people don't wanna stay very long. Oh, there's old Mother Kane. And that's old Master Kane. Who's that? That's Big Daddy Kane. Oh. Oh, he's cute! Oh, yeah. That was the master's favourite toy. (BOTH LAUGH) What's it doing out here? I swear, sometimes I think these toys have a mind of their own. Ow! Ow! Right this way. No, no! Not that room, sweetheart. No. That was the master's mistress's room. Yeah, he kind of was a little bit of a horn-ball. No, you go and stay right over here. This was the room that belonged to the love of his life, his wife, Caroline. I'll show it to you. Argh! Watch, my fanny's coming through. Watch it. Make room for fanny. Wow! It's beautiful. Well, thank you, child. You know, I've been doing my bum-busters. I squeeze really tight! Then I let loose. I squeeze really tight! Argh! And then I let loose. (FARTS) Ooh! OK. Whoa! Oh, yes. Look at this. Caroline looked beautiful in that dress. In fact, she always looked her best. She used to entertain for royalty and common folk and even the President of the United States. Oh. Oh! Oh, don't be frightened, child. This is just Mr Kittles. He was the master's favourite pet. He's been in the family for generations. Look at him. He hasn't aged a day. All right, child. Well, I'll take my leave. Let me know if there's anything you need. As you can see, I have taken care of medical supplies and blood storage. We wanna be safe. Are these cameras all throughout the house? Yes, I thought that would be best. So, if one of our chikadees were to be taking a shower, which button would I press to get a close-up? That one. This one. That one. Excuse me, Professor, but your guests have begun to arrive. And supper shall be served shortly. OK, thanks, handyman. Well, I'm actually the caretaker. Oh, aren't those cool new skates? Now, you be careful with those. Don't fall and break something. Real funny. Um, let me give you a hand. Well, that's awful kind of you. Give me a standing ovation? Lift me up. I see where you're going with this one. Were you in Stomp? Kiss my grits! I think I'll be the bigger man now and walk away. WALK away. I'll go and change for dinner. OK. I'll see you shortly. Sounds good. I'll just, uh, run upstairs and, uh, jump into my jogging suit. Hey! Hey, there, little guy. How you doing? Fuck off, four eyes. I beg your pardon? I beg your pardon? I said fuck off, four eyes. I ought to kick your ass. I ought to kick your ass. Hey, hey, hey. Relax, son. It's just a bird. Hi, little birdy. Polly want a cracker? Hi, little birdy. Polly want a cracker? Polly wants your mama's sweet ass. What did Polly say to me? What did Polly say to me? I said Polly wants your mama's sweet ass. You don't be talking about my mama, son! You don't know my mama, son! I know your mama. I fucked her last night. I know your mama. I fucked her last night. You want beef? I'll fuck you up! Ooh, I'm shaking (!) I'm shaking (!) Oh, now, fuck this. Hold my tooth, son. Yeah, come on, bitch. You and that Welcome Back Kotter haircut wanna piece of me? Come on! Bring it on! What? You hardcore? Give me some! What? Come on, bitch! Let's go! Come on, bitch! Let's go! Nah, nah, nah! What? What? Now you gonna talk to me? Do it! Come on, pussy. Let me out of here ` I'll fuck you up! d Hi, guys. (ALL) Hey. Hey, Buddy. Hey, Cin. How you doing? Open chest! Argh! Oh, come on! You gotta be quicker than that. Argh! Argh! Hey, guys. (ALL) Hey! Are you boys just gonna sit there, or is someone gonna offer me a seat? Agh! (GROANS) I warmed it up for you. It's the best seat in the house. Second best. Urgh! Is this the same house that a young girl was possessed by a demon? Yes, it was reported, but never substantiated. (CLATTERING) (ALL GASP / APPLAUD) Whoo-oo! Who'd like some appetisers? Yeah! That's what I like to hear. Hey, these buns look good. (GIGGLES) Oh, yeah. And they're so soft and warm. Ray! Oh, I'm sorry, my bad. Mmm, they're delicious! Thank you. I made them by hand. OK! Here we go. I think the taters are just about done. I'm just gonna give 'em one quick whisk. OK. Now, dig in. Alright, now it's time for the turkey. Oh, what a beautiful turkey! No! No! No! Hey, man, why don't you just relax and let me do that for you? Yeah. Rest that little hand. It's my pleasure. What a nice you young man. Let me give you a little pinch there. Oh, fuck it! Oh! You know, a lot of people are kind of intimidated... ..about making a turkey, but really it's very simple. You just have to know the anatomy of a turkey and it's got, over here, the tiniest stink-hole. Eww! But you can get your hand right up inside and,... (GROANS) ..stuff the shit out of it! I cook with the giblets, the penises and 'ginies. Now, a lot of people like to baste their turkeys, but I use this. I lick like that and get into the little heinie, heinie, ho. That's nice and good. What's that? I'll lick it anyway. Urgh! Then I like to get that on there. Hiawatha! I get one of these. Pull it off and bam! That kicks it up a little bit. I think that's almost ready now, and then we bring it to the table. Mmmmmmmm! Good! Alright, who's ready for a wing? Yours or the turkey's? (LAUGHS INSANELY) That's funny! Well, I know what you'd like. How about a leg? (ALL) Ooooh! How about two? I'll take these two legs and shove 'em up your ass! All the way to the knee! Dwight, relax! Er, Hanson,... may I ask you, is there something on the menu that you haven't PERSONALLY prepared? Well, I ordered out the dessert. (ALL) Alright! Make room. Here comes the pie. Alright. Mmmmmmm! Who wants the first piece of pie? I do. I see you eyeing it. Oh, that's good. Mmmmm! Pass that down there, will you? Thank you. That's nice. My germs! My germs! My germs! (COUGHS) '(FAINT GHOSTLY VOICE) Come play with me.' '(GIGGLING)' 'Come play.' Hello? (LOUD PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYS) Oof! (WHISTLE BLOWS) '(FAINT GHOSTLY VOICE) Cindy.' 'Cindy.' Who is it?! 'I wanna help you, Cindy.' Who are you?! 'You're in danger, Cindy. I wanna help you.' Help me how?! Who's in danger?! 'Check the music room. Check the music room.' Where are you?! 'CHECK THE FUCKING MUSIC ROOM!' Hey, Cindy! Think fast! Argh! Ouch! Dude, you suck! Ouch! Buddy,... ..about this friendship. It is so cool having a girl as a friend. That's just it, Buddy. I am a girl. You can't be so rough with me. Well, what the hell are we supposed to do? (SIGHS) Gentle stuff. You know, like talking and sharing secrets and past experiences, you know? Stuff like that. That sounds kinda gay. I guess since you're a girl it's alright, then. Yeah, it'll be fine. Listen, will you come check something out with me? Yeah, sure. We can practise our talking. Yeah, exactly. I wanna tell you about something. Really, what? This hot Spanish chick's licking my nuts and I'm like - Buddy! This is the best part. My God, look! Oh, dude! Someone's on the rag! Sssh! They lead to the bookcase. (God.) It must be a secret study or something. Wow. Oh my God. It says Hugh Kane and his mistress were murdered in this house. Whoa, check this out! This must be his wife. Oh, my God, she looks just like you. You think? She's really beautiful. Yeah. Actually, her hair doesn't have as many split ends and her skin isn't as oily as yours. And sometimes your eyes get squinty, as if you have Down's syndrome. But the resemblance is uncanny. Really? Yeah. Also, her tits are perfect. They're not pointy or too far apart. OK! Enough! God! Oh my God, look at this. "Caroline." It must have been hers. (SMASHING) Oh my God. Let's get out of here. This place gives me the creeps. OK, grab the chest. Thanks. Buddy! I meant the chest. Right. '(DEEP BREATHING)' (SNORES) What the...?! Hey! Nice. (SOUND OF UNZIPPING) Ah-hm. Mmm. Mmm. (GASPS) Yeah! Oh! (GROANS) Hold still! Yeah! Oh! Oh! OK! Hello! I should have freshened up. I wish you would have freshened up! Get up there! Come on! Uhh! You take it like you own it! Uh-hu! Uh-hu! Don't you run from me! Ouch! Come here! Aaagh! Kinky is my middle name, bitch! Oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh! Yeah! That was the best that I've ever had! Mrs Hughie Kane. Huh?! Doesn't that have a ring to it? (RETREATING FOOTSTEPS) Baby? Where are you going? Call me! (BOTH GROAN) Let's do something freaky. (GIGGLES) Like what, Ray? You know. I don't know, why don't you, er,... why don't you talk dirty to me? (GASPS) I don't know what to say, Ray. Come on. Just make something up. Come on. Oh, Ray, why do you make me so bad?! Cos you're a bad girl. OK. (GROANS) I'm gonna work this. Yeah, work it. I'm gonna make this mine! Oh, it's all yours! Oh, yeah! I'm gonna piss on your face! And I'll fart in your mouth! Yeah, then I'm gonna shit on these walls, Ray! Hey! Hey! Hey! Too dirty? Hello? Oh, hey, kitty, kitty! Hi, little fella. (HISSES) Aaargh! (GROWLS) OK. OK. It's OK, cat. I,... I think I know why you're mad, Mr Cat. I didn't mean to go poopie in your litter box. What?! (SHRIEKS) (SMASH!) Help! My pussy's gone crazy! Aaargh! Oof! Argh! OK! You want a piece of me?! Huh?! (THUD!) Yeah! How do you like that, little pussy?! Come on! Ugh! Yeah, come on! Oof! Is that all you've got?! Huh?! Come on! Give me your best shot! (BIRDS TWEETING) (TRIUMPHANT ROAR) Oof! f I'm telling you, it was possessed! Theo, did you see this animal? No, I didn't. I heard all the commotion, but by the time I went in there it was gone. (SIGHS) Ah-hm. You think I did this?! No. All I'm saying is that cats are known to be very territorial animals and it's likely it did attack, but that doesn't mean it was possessed. Maybe you two should... sleep together. What are you getting at? I'm just saying that if this cat did attack, it's less likely to come back if the two of you were, let's say,... ..together. Oh, come on, it's college! It's time for you two to experiment. I don't think we're gonna be getting much help here. On the contrary. I'd be happy to walk you through it. I'll tuck you in. Good idea. Don't forget to kiss each other good night. There's something going on in this house, Professor! I'm not crazy! Aaaaaaaaaagh! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, Brandon, ten, eleven, Brandon! Come on, count with me! (CHUCKLING) Hey, you! Come here a minute. Come here! (CHUCKLES) Peekaboo! Get off! Get off! Come play! Stop! Come on, let's play! Stop it! This is a fun game! Hey, what are you doing? Uncle Ray's got a game. Hey, get your finger out of there! Tickle, tickle, tickle! Aaaaagh! Are you gonna play with Uncle Ray? Aaagh! Aaagh! Peekaboo! Aaaargh! Get off! Aaaargh! Oh, God! Here's a little balloon animal! Da, da, da, da, da, da! O-O-O-Ouch! 'I can't take living with him any longer.' 'He's becoming a monster. I suspect he was having an affair.' 'He's sleeping with our baby-sitter. That must be why he keeps her around 'because we have no children.' '(GHOSTLY VOICE) Cindy.' 'I want you to know what happened, Cindy.' Hello, Cindy. Hello, Professor. I take it you're not mad at me any more. I wouldn't go that far, Professor. Why don't you just relax? Cindy! (GROANS) (RATTLING) I think she's starting to suspect something. Who? (Your wife.) Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! Oof! Oh my God! It happened right here! What? She came home! She saw them! Saw who? I was reading her journal, then I found this dress in the closet. That's all I remember. What about you, Ray? Oh, I bought mine on Friday. I just came down for a banana. This is hot. Good night, little plant. You drink all this little water up, so you're gonna grow up to be a nice, strong crime plant. Yes. Yes. And then you'll be smoked by all the rappers and make them do dumb shit that fuck up their careers. Yes, you will. Night-night, baby. I'm gonna rob that bitch tonight. "Lock Down Records presents a hip-hop Christmas." "You get these classics, Santa Claus Is Coming On Mom, Jingle Balls, "I'm Dreaming Of A White Woman and Frosty The Dope Man." "And how about, All I Want For Christmas Is The Charges Dropped?" "Deez Nuts Roasted On An Open Fire, A Sleigh Ride In My '64, "Ante Up, Bitch, It's Christmas..." I'm gonna buy that shit! Aaaaaaaaaaagh! Ouch! I didn't mean to smoke your relatives! I didn't do it by myself! Whitney and Bobby helped me! Please, help me! Oh, shit, son! Wait, no! Wait! Oh, shit, son! Oh, shit! Oh my God! (BOOM!) Oh, shit! I smell something burnin'! Oh, stop! It's me! Aargh! I got an idea! Oh, wait a second! Hold on, Shorty! Don't rescue me yet! I'm getting as high as a motherfucker! Toke! Toke! Take it to the head! Take it to the head! (SPLUTTERS) Put the Shorty down and I'll give you Funyuns and Cheetos! Argh! Argh, shit! Put him out! This shit burned more than a perm! (ALL SCREAM) There's a whole lot of freaky shit going on in this house. There's more to the story than the professor told us. I found a secret room and newspaper clippings about Hugh Kane. He was a really evil man. And I found a picture of his wife. She looks just like you. You think? Yeah. She doesn't have as many split ends and her skin's not as oily as yours. Yeah. Sometimes you squint, look like you got Down's syndrome. Oh, yeah! You look just alike, except she got some perfect boobs and yours look like them old orang-utan titties. (LAUGHS MADLY) Put you in the full nelson to lick 'em. Oh, yeah. OK! Enough! Anyway,... ..I think she killed him and now he wants me. Yeah, right, bitch! Morning, Dwight. Let me help you. I don't need your help! I can do it! Argh! (CLATTERING) OK. Professor, er, we need to talk. What is it, Dwight? I think you should consider cutting the experiment short. What? This poltergeist is growing increasingly more violent. I think we're in danger and I've gotta stand up for what I believe in and say we've got to pull the plug! Whoa - Whoa - Whoa - Whoa, Dwight! I say when we pull the plug! We are on the verge of greatness and I am this close to getting laid. Now, the bus arrives on Monday. No-one leaves till then. Here are the keys to the gate and no-one gets access to them. Yes, sir. OK, guys. I think the professor's up to something. I heard Dwight tell the professor there's a poltergeist in the house. Oh, no, son! Not a poltergeist! (CRIES) What's a poltergeist? I'm getting out of here! No, we can't! The gates are locked. Baby, give me my Vaseline, a banana and some duct tape! I'll break his legs! Fuck him! Just give me five minutes alone with him, OK? I'll get the keys. # "Fever" - Joe Cocker Hello, Dwight. Oh! Hi, Theo. Hi. What are you working on? Er, just a... little... experiment. Oh, work, work, work. Is that all you ever do? Well,... there's a lot riding on this project. You know, the professor might have everyone else fooled, but I know who the real brains behind this operation is. Oh,... yeah? You do, huh? Ah-hm. That's what turns me on about you. You're so smart. And those sexy eyes. Ahh! Oh! Why don't I put some music on, huh? Yeah, music. Wh...? You know, Dwight,... ..I hear you're the only one who has the keys to the gate. Er,... # "Let Me Blow Your Mind" - Eve featuring Gwen Stefani That's true. It is. I'm... That's correct. What if, erm,... I wanted to borrow those keys? (GASPS) Oh,... dear, s-s-sweet God in heaven! Hmm? I... I can't! Oh, come on! Yes, you can, baby. No. Please. I mean, look. You help me by giving me the keys and I'll help by giving you... (SOUND OF UNZIPPING) Hey - Hey! Wait - Wait - Wait! Whoa! Hey, I don't need your help, OK?! I can do it myself, alright? (GROANS) # "History Repeating" - The Propellerheads Whoo-hoo! Hey, look! I'm touching my own phallus! Ouch! Oh! So, this is your secret room. Oh! Well,... this just isn't gonna work now, is it? Oh, Professor. Come over here. Ah-ha! This way,... you big hunk. (LAUGHS) Have we met? Follow me. Are you playing a little game? Where are you? I'm here, baby. (CHUCKLES) (GROWLS) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Is everybody here? Yeah. Let's go. (ALL GASP) Oh, shit, son! He's not gonna let us out! He's gonna kill us! Oh, look, a rocket scientist(!) Quick, to the laboratory! Go! Come on! Hurry up! You all are fucked! Lock the door. OK, we,... we have to destroy it. That's great. How are we gonna destroy what we can't see? I got it! We'll shave off our pubic hairs and wear the shampoo for two weeks! Listen, we're gonna use these guns. They omit a bolt of energy, which can damage the ectoplasmic cells and destroy the ghost. There's no more ammunition. Use it wisely. Shut up! Ouch! (ALL LAUGH) Hey! Hey! Hey! Conserve your ammunition! My bad. Alright. Now, we're gonna all wear one of these,... ..thermo-goggles. They work on body heat. They're so powerful, they can detect where any bodily fluids have been, even if they've been wiped clean. What? Urgh! Huh? Are my glasses crooked? OK, now, listen. That ghost may be invisible but we're armed with the most sophisticated equipment. How are we gonna stay in touch?! Do we have walkie-talkies?! No, we have these. Those is Dixie cups! Well, we kind of ran short of funds after the guns and the goggles. Alright! Now, let's split up... Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! How come when scary shit happens and we need to stick together, you white people wanna split up?! We should stick together. Yes, that's what I'm saying! She's right. OK. You three, follow me! Ain't that a bitch? (SOBS) We're gonna die here, y'all. (GHOULISH LAUGHTER) (GASPS) Did you hear that?! Yeah. Where's Shorty?! I don't know. Shorty?! Shorty?! Shorty?! Damn. Alright, you wait right here, I'll be right back. OK. Alright. Wow. What is this? I don't know. Looks like the furnace room. Alright, let's go. No, wait! That newspaper article said that Hugh Kane was killed in the furnace. Oh, wow. Look at this. So many ashes, Buddy. What are you doing?! Ooh. (BOTH GASP) Aaaaaagh! Let's split up! OK! Wait. Good luck. I love you! Aaaaaagh! Oh, Shorty! Cindy! There's a monster chasing me! What are we gonna do?! Er,...! I got it! Yeah?! Yeah. Argh! Shorty! (ROARING) Shorty! (SCREAMS) Damn! Why does the bitch gotta bring that shit over here?! OK. Well, maybe she won't see me. Somebody help me! Brenda! Oh, shit! She saw me! (SCREAMS) OK. OK. Oh! Ouch! Thank you, Lord! OK, now let that shit just mutilate her white ass and leave! Aaaagh! Damn it! Please die! Oh my God! Brenda, we're gonna die! It would have just been you, if you had just shut up! It's coming! What is it?! Is it a monster?! Is it a monster?! (BOTH SCREAM HYSTERICALLY) Cindy! This is a skeleton! This is bones! Would you run from Calista Flockhart?! (GROWLS) Shut your ass up! Look, he's crazy now! I'm sorry, Mr Skeleton. Here. Haaaaah! Gotcha! Psych! Have a nice trip! Hey, girl, I got an idea. Come on. Ha! Ha! Very funny! (BOTH) Whoo! Oooh! Now, get on out of here! Somebody's gonna catch an ass-whupping! Oh, Brenda, you are so brave. You really are my best friend. You guys OK? Yeah. It'll take more than a little bag of bones to scare me. Wedgie! (CACKLES) The ghost has Buddy! Ouch! My ass! Brenda, do something! OK! Argh! I thought I was your best friend! You was! I'm gonna miss you, girl! (GROANS) Grab my gun! (GROANS) Are you OK?! Ouch! Oh my God! You're bleeding! Come on. I think there's a first-aid kit in the lab. Come on. Huh?! (GROWLS) Hughie?! Baby?! Where are you?! My love, are you there?! (GASPS) No. No. Hughie?! Baby! Baby, I gotta talk to you! No! Go away! Baby! Ouch! Get away from me! Come on, baby, we can work this out! I mean, if we just stick together, no-one can hurt us, my love! It was just a booty call! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! OUCH! Why won't you talk to me?! Because you gave me crabs! Aaaaaagh! (CRASH!) You are the weakest link. Goodbye. (DOOR CREAKS) (GASPS) Shorty. Oooh! Hey! How you doin'? f Argh! Argh! Uhh! Uhh! N-N-No! No kissing! No kissing! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! No, leave this on! You look beautiful just like that! Yeah! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Mmmmm! Oh, shit! U-U-U-Uhh! Oh! Oh, God! N-N-N-No! Don't fuck it up. Uhh! About this friendship. I've never had a friend who cared like you do. I mean, there's Ray, but he cares for me in a different way. He gives me flowers and runs my bath water and when I wake up screaming, Ray's in my bed holding me. Anyway, as tonight may be our last night together, I was thinking... We should develop our friendship? Yes. Oh, I was thinking the exact same thing! I mean, this might be our last night alive. I wanna take full advantage of it. I was thinking the same thing! I wanna be able to act out our innermost fantasies. Oh, great! Like,... I've always wanted to walk on the moon. Huh? Buhhhh... deeeeee! (LAUGHS) What about you, Buddy? What do you wanna do? Well,... (DOOR SLAMS) He's in here! (THUMP!) Argh! Oof! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Oh my God! He locked us in! You should call for help! Hello! Hello! Can you hear me?! Come in! Come in! Copy! Do you copy me?! We have a situation here! Breaker! My God! They can't hear me! It must be these walls or something! OK. Alright, you stay down here, I'm gonna go check upstairs. OK. (CLATTERING) Oof! (GROANS) Ouch! O-O-Ouch! Ouch! Do you need help or...? No! OK. What do I look like to you?! I'm just trying to be nice. Cover me! What do you want me to do? Cover me! Not literally! I'm serpentining! They taught me that at the Merchant Marines, two years. I spent two years on my belly in Danang! Yeah. Look! Look! Look what the cripple's doing! Oh, shit! O-O-Ouch! I know you're proud, but just let me help you. Step it back, candy pants! Fine! (GROANS) What are we gonna do? I'm cold. I can't feel my body I'm so cold. Buddy, can you feel this? No. Try a little higher. What about that? Uh-uh. Keep rubbing. Uhh! Oh, Buddy, I don't think I - Cindy, please! It's a matter of life and death! I'm asking you... in the name of love. OK, Buddy. In the name of love. Uhh! Mmm! Uhh! Oh, Cindy! I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Don't say goodbye! You're gonna get out of here and you're gonna go on and have lots of little babies. Oh, yeah! You'll die an old man... Old man. ..warm in his bed. Warm in his bed. Not here! No? Not like this. Amen. Do you understand me?! Oh, yeah! Coming to this house was the best thing to happen to me. Me, too! And for that I am so thankful. (GROANS) Don't let go. I'll never let go! I feel weak. Buddy! I'm comin'! Come back! Argh! (SPLAT!) Alright, Dwight Hartman, it's your time to shine. Alright. Come on. Come on, Kane! Show yourself! Look, I don't even need my thermo-goggles! (ROARS) Aaagh! Ouch! Aaaaagh! That's right, mother...! Whoa! O-O-Ouch! (CACKLES) Hey, Kane, are you hungry?! How about a little snack of this?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Ouch! Ouch! O-O-Ouch! Sonofabitch! Gotcha! (ROARS) I know what you're thinking, did I fire 3 shots or 117? Well,... do you feel lucky,... ..punk? Do you? Feel lucky? Do you feel lucky, punk? Shoot me, motherfucker! OK! Fine! Make your best move, ass-bite! (ROARS) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Whoo-hoo! (CRASH!) Aaaaagh! Help! Help! Here! Take my hand! Aaagh! Come on! You're gonna fall unless you take my hand! No! Give me your other hand! My other hand isn't strong enough! You take my little hand! No! Get it away from me! Take it! Take my hand! No! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! (SPLAT!) Eww! Oh, well. No! No, why me?! No, come on! No! I've served you well! Don't you do this to me! No, please! Please, no! Pl-Pl-Pl-Pl-Pl....! Aaaaaagh! OK, Buddy. It's time for us to get out of here. Come in, Roger! Ray, this is Cindy! I don't wanna talk to Cindy! Roger, where are you at, man?! Ray, listen, the ghost is close! He almost got us! Buddy's hurt! Where are you?! Right behind you. Thank God! OK, where's Shorty?! I don't,... I don't know. He was here just a minute ago. OK, listen. You go help Buddy in the lab, I'm gonna go check upstairs. Alright. f Mmm, that smells good! Hello, Cindy. Say hellooo to Cindy, Shorty. Hellooo,... Cindy. Shorty, are you OK?! Talk to me! Morphine, chloroform, horse tranquillisers! You drugged him! I did not. That's all his stuff. (SCREAMS INSANELY) Alright, Shorty. Who's ready for the main course? Me! Me! Oh, Hanson, please,... no! Oh! What the fuck...? Beetlejuice in the house! This is your brains on drugs. Eww! (GIGGLES) Oh, shit, son! (BOTH LAUGH MADLY) Urgh! Shorty! What's going on?! It's Hanson! He's possessed! Let's get him! (ALL GASP / SCREAM) # "Smack My Bitch Up" - The Prodigy Whoo-oo-oo! (BOTH) Angel style! Who-o-o-o-oa! Oof! Whoo! OK. Come on! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! OK. No-o-o-o-o-o-o! Oof! Hyah! Aaaaaaagh! (BOING!) Oof! Whoo! (HISSING) Oooh! Argh! Yaaaah! Hyah! Oof! Moooooo! (BANGING) Ow! Shit! (GROANS) You OK, Dwight? I can't,... I can't feel my legs! (WAILS) I can't feel my legs! You never could. Stay out of this! Now, listen! You get the others and meet us upstairs. You stay here. I need your help. Give me your belt. Hyah! Hah! The crane! Hah! (HISSES) The crouching tiger. Hyah! The drunken monkey. (IMITATES MONKEY) The mad cow. (MOOS) Motherfucker! The camel toe. Hyah! Hyah! (GIBBERS) Get the hell out of there! Come on! Ray, give me 180. OK, listen. Someone has to go and lower him onto that platform. Alright. I'll go. Cindy, let me - No, Buddy! I'm the one he wants! Actually, I was saying, "Let me have your computer if you die." Oh. OK. But as soon as he gets there, you have to get off! OK. Alright, 180 me. Hugh Kane, it's me you want! Come get me! I'm not afraid any more! Show yourself! Aaaaargh! (ROARS) Ooops! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Do something! She's still on the platform. If I throw the switch, she'll die! Get out! You're gonna get killed! (CACKLES) Move out of the way! I'll get her! Why is he running so slow?! Ray, run faster! OK! Throw the switch! Now you will be mine! Forever! Aaaaaaaaagh! Ray, you saved me! Are you OK? I'm fine. I broke my fall. (GROANS) Ouch! Aaaaaaargh! Wow! Hey, y'all! You made it! What's going on?! Shorty, you made it! You're alive! Yeah, it was traumatic. It really was. It's taken me a while to get over it but, you know, now that we're out of the house and back in school, I just know it's gonna be OK. Oh God, will you shut the fuck up?! Why couldn't you have left me to die?! Give me a fuckin' rope, I'll hang myself! I'm hangin' myself. (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Oh, hi, Dad! Are you having fun on your vacation? No, birds are clean animals. He's no trouble. Goddammit! What the fuck did you put in this birdseed?! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! (FARTS) (SPLAT!) (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, Dad, Buddy's here. I gotta go. I love you. Bye. God, that was a big one! Hey, Buddy! Surprise! Open chest! Argh! Oh! (GIGGLES) You gotta be quicker than that, pencil dick! Come on. (BUZZING) Hey, look out, a bee! Buddy, I've never had anyone be so protective of me before. I know. That's what your man's supposed to do. Er, two hot dogs. Buddy, get him! Buddy?! Buddy?! I've come back for you. No, this can't be happening! It is happening! Now we're gonna be together forever! No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es Aaaaargh! (SPLAT!) Did you hear something? Nah. I didn't hear nothin'. Uhh! # If you wanna go and take a ride wit me wit three women in the fo' with the gold D's. # Oh, why do I live this way? # Hey, it must be the money. # If you wanna go and get high wit me smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y. # Oh, why must I feel this way? # Hey, must be the money. # If you wanna go and take a ride wit me wit three women in the fo' with the gold D's. # Oh, why do I live this way? # Hey, must be the money. # If you wanna go and get high wit me smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y. # Oh, why must I feel this way? # Check, check, yo. I know somethin you don't know. And I got somethin to tell ya. # You won't believe how many people straight doubted the flow. Folks said that I was a failure. # But now the same motherfuckers askin me fo' dough. And I'm yellin, I can't help you. # But, Nelly, can we get tickets to the next show? Hell, no, you for real? # Hey, you, now that I'm a fly guy and I fly high. Niggaz wanna know why, why I fly by. # But, yo, it's all good, Range Rover all wood. Do me like you should, fuck me good, suck me good. # We be them stud niggaz, wishin' you was niggaz. Poppin' like we drug dealers, simply cos she butt-naked. # Honey in the club, me in the Benz. Icy grip, tellin me to leave wit you and your friends. # So if shorty wanna knock, we knockin to this. And if shorty wanna rock, we rockin to this. # And if shorty wanna pop, we poppin the Crist'. Shorty wanna see the ice, then I ice the wrist. # City talk, Nelly listen, Nelly talk, city listen. When I fuck fly bitches, when I walk pay attention. # See the ice and the glist', niggaz starin or they diss. # Honies lookin all they wish, come on, boo, gimme kiss. # If you wanna go and take a ride wit me wit three women in the fo' with the gold D's. # Oh, why do I live this way? # Hey, must be the money. # If you wanna go and get high wit me, smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y. # Oh, why must I feel this way? # Hey, must be the money. # Hey, must be the money. # # She kept it comin'. # She kept it comin'. # Hey, what's up, dog? Have a seat. # When I'm about to tell her where her man is, she gets real deep. About a week ago or so # when I saw you up in that spot with that chick that was high. But whatever. # To make a long story short, she slipped me the number. Though I really didn't want it, uh-uh. # And as the crowd is my witness, believe me, I was minding my own business. # And she teased me, yeah. She kept buying me and following me, see. # And the fact she was excited wasn't making it easy. She got close to me, I'm like, Lord forgive me. # No one's around, she went down. Man, you get the picture. # It was hypnotic and she was so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # It was hypnotic and so erotic. # I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # I was in a similar situation. # One of my boys once invited me with his family on their Christmas vacation # I went and bought a present and everything. # But I kept it. # Why? # But I kept it. # Why? # Cos it looked dope on me. # They had a house on the beach in Maui. I had no idea that they were that rich, his mom was a fat bitch. # But his sister was hot. I told myself not to touch it even though I wanna fuck it. # I have a history of not listening to me. She walked out in her bikini when no one could see me. # Believe me, I tried real hard. # Then my dick got real hard. # It was hypnotic and she was so erotic. # I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # It was hypnotic and so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # It was hypnotic and so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # It was hypnotic and she was so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # She kept it comin'. # It was hypnotic and so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # She kept it comin'. # It was hypnotic and so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # It was hypnotic and she was so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # She kept it comin'. # It was hypnotic and so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # She kept it comin'. # It was hypnotic and so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # It was hypnotic and so erotic. I tried, but I just couldn't stop it. # She kept it comin'. # She kept it comin'. # # Oo-oo-ooh. # When it's dark # outside. All my fears # arise # when it's dark # outside. # All my fears. # The sun's going down. # The light's all gone. # Dig his house. # And we're alone. I hear voices, what am I to do? # Hear those noises, what am I to do? What's my choice, here, run like a fool? I'm all gone. # Shh. # What's that sound? Everybody look what's floating round. Not too sure of what I see. # All I know is it's scaring me. # Oo-oo-ooh. When it's dark # outside. All my fears # arise when it's dark # outside. All my fears. # And just when you think it's over, # the sun goes south. # It's comin' towards me. # Gettin' loud. # I hear noises, where am I to go? Hear those voices, head for the door. What's my plan? # Don't know any more. Something's wrong. # Shh. # What's that sound? Everybody look what's goin' down. And why won't you let me be? # But right now you're scaring me. # But right now you're scaring me. # Oo-oo-ooh. When it's dark # outside. All my fears # arise when it's dark # outside. All my fears. # Oo-oo-ooh. # When it's dark # outside. # All my fears # arise # when it's dark # outside. All my fears. # Here's some, so get back. Shorty lookin' at me as though, Let me hit that. # Footsteps in the dark, what you gonna do? # I was talkin' to this chicken, oh, shit, her head's burnt. # Is this a poltergeist or heist? She rocks on, all the jewels, murderin' tools. # But chow, chow, ready to open up shop. Be careful with the plot, now love it don't stop. # Come on. # Oo-oo-ooh. # When it's dark # outside. All my fears # arise, oo-oo-ooh, # when it's dark # outside. All my fears # arise # when it's dark