, Able 2016 (bell ringing) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) (honking horn) D-ohh! (screams) BART: Ice cream at church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious. Wow, look at all these flavours: Blessed Virgin Berry, Command-Mint, Bible-Gum... Or, if you prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream. There's nothing here. Exactly. One Tower of Babel, and build it to heaven. To heaven! Christ be with you. Mmm, hi, mm... I've created the first intra-bovine ice cream maker. It makes use of all four stomachs, the first being filled with rock salt then sugar, cream, and of course, freon so cold it burns me. I'll have the darkety kind. Uh, one chocolate, Mootilda! Could I have a swirl of chocolate and vanilla? (mooing loudly) Oh, nonsense, you can do it. (yelps) Ivan Reitman! I've never seen a brain freeze this bad! (moaning) Give me 50cc's of hot fudge, stat. Hold still, you're going to feel a slight chocolaty sensation. (gulping) (relieved sigh) (clinking sound) All right, let's welcome this evening's entertainment. They call her the Christian Madonna... Rachel Jordan. (applause) # Jesus loves me, this I'm sure # # I'm a groupie on his tour... # Rachel Jordan? Isn't that the woman you had a crush on, Ned? (stammering): I didn't have a "crush" on her. Are you blushing, Mr Flanders? No, I'm not! Leave Ned alone. Thank you, Homer. He can't admit he likes her till he's sure she likes him back. And there's only one way to find out. Does... Rachel... like... Ned? It says I have cooties. Flanders has cooties, Flanders has cooties! (cheers and applause) That was great. I can't believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah. Hey, she's coming this way! (nervous gasp) I thought you didn't like her. (giggling) Ned Flanders? Now where have you been hi-diddily hiding? Uh-uh-uh... oh, hey, Rachel! (nervous chuckle) Well, what do you know? We both like plain vanilla with nothing on it. Actually, all the toppings were gone. (moaning) Ants are crawling in my mouth and I don't care. So, uh, uh... where's your band? They switched from Christian music to regular pop. All you do is change "Jesus" to "baby." Oh, how horrible. Eh, they'll all go to hell. Say, how's your life going? Ooh, she wants to know how your life is going... Well, my wife's passing was rough but I think I'm finally ready to move on. That's great. Maybe we could have coffee sometime. Ohh, she wants to have coffee sometime... I can hear her, Homer. He can hear you, Rachel... (clears throat) I'd love to get together but tomorrow I've got lifeguard duty at the baptismal pool. OK, well, maybe another time. You know, I better go check into my hotel. Hotel? Why don't you just stay at Ned's place? My place ` what would the neighbours think? We're the neighbours, and we don't think. Ned, I understand if you feel uncomfortable. You're still getting over your wife. Now wait just a Maude-gone minute, here. I'm through living in the past and you can see for yourself. Well, you've certainly got a theme going. All right, I'll take the couch and you can have my room. Oh, uh, could you sleep on my side? I'm trying to preserve Maude's indentation. Sorry. Oh, no problem. A little starch will fix her right up. Brrr. Cold, huh? This should keep you toasty. How about that. It says Maude. (sniffing) Mmm, I love chenille, don't you? I don't love it, I don't hate it. Mmm, well, good night, Maude. I mean, Maude. I mean Rachel. I mean, Maude. (Ned humming) Oh, my God! You're trying to make me look like your dead wife. No, no, now, I-I know this is a tad unseemly but if you'd just let me even out the back. I'm calling a cab. Goodbye, Ned. Who am I kidding? I'm not over Maude at all. HOMER: Yeah, maybe it was too soon. Well, aren't you going to invite me in? I sure appreciate you folks offering to go through Maude's things. If it were up to me I wouldn't throw anything away. Oh, don't worry. We'll make all the hard decisions so you don't have to. We can take whatever we want, right? Yeah... What? Don't listen to him. You just have a good time at the eye doctor. Always do. ALL: Bye, Mr Flanders. MARGE: Poor Ned. He can't look anywhere without being reminded of Maude. Yeah, a lifetime of memories. Homer, don't you have any respect? Sure, of course I do. But life goes on, ashes to ashes, turn, turn, turn, long live rock and so forth. Don't throw this away. It's Rod's first tooth. You're right. We could use this for witchcraft. Wow, three pairs of shoes. Someone had a fetish. (Homer grunting) Man, this is taking forever. I know how to speed things up. Her pillow's stuck. Oh my. The room looks so bare. Are you OK, Ned? Yeah, just a little shocked. What's that? Some kind of sorting machine? Kinda. Now for the awkward part. We've got to talk about money. You said we were doing this out of friendship. What? That doesn't sound like me. Hey, Dad, something didn't get, um, "sorted." Maude's old sketch book. She was quite the little artist, you know. Ahh... is that a fact? And you think you know someone. Here's our house. A rainbow. Oh, a white hand shaking a black hand. Praiseland? LISA: It looks like an amusement park. NED: You're right. Maude designed a Christian amusement park. Oh, it must have been her final dream. Hey, how about that. Let's build it for her, Daddy. Oh, that's a nice thought, Toddy but to build an amusement park you need lots of money and manpower and turnstiles. But Mommy wanted it. But where do you put something that big? You could fix up the old Storytime Village. They've been out of business ever since that kid got his head cut off. Mm, that sounds perfect. Well, what the heck. Who's ready to build an amusement park? ALL CHEER Sell Storytime Village? Why, you've got to be off your tuffet. Well, it's been closed for so long and I thought I could turn it into a Christian theme park. Christian, eh? Well, that's different. Now the thing is, I don't have a lot of money... Then what the hell good are you? Beat it, you hippie. But I... You're right ` that was harsh. Tell you what ` maybe I could donate the park as a tax write-off. (gasps) If you could do that I'd make this place a shining beacon for the Lord. Oh, you are so full of it. God's grace, that is. It's really sickening... there aren't more people like you. Now get out... your pen and we'll make it official. Oh, bless you, sir. Ah, Gepetto's workshop will make a great stable for the nativity scene. (grunting) You're doing that the sucker way. Try a little vitamin G. Are you nuts? Relax. It's a controlled burn. Uh-oh. Huh? Darn teenagers with their beer bottles. Uh, yeah... teenagers. (panting) Ned, I'm worried about you. You've been working non-stop for the past week. Well, it's been a tad harder than I thought but I'm not complaining 'cause I work for a sweet, sweet boss. You're our foreman, Maude. She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that? Oh, I don't mind but my greenback stack's getting kind of slack. How about asking the community for donations? Oh, I'm not very good at begging people for stuff. I am. I'd be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative. Thanks, Homer. No problem. I'll need a sack and something sharp. Well, I guess I could donate these costumes. They're from my Last Supper Pie-Throwing sketch. MAN: Here. You can have these fireworks I confiscated. Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February. (chuckling): Oh, yeah. Those guys and their crazy scams. (both laughing) Good food, though. This sawdust will soak up the puke from the roller-coaster. It's Willie's special blend. (sniffing) Do I detect a hint of cinnamon? Ooh, I'll never tell. Praiseland Amusement Park has its Grand Opening today. We now go live to its founder, Mr Nedward Flanders. Oh, morning, Kent. Our volunteers have done an amazing job getting the park ready here. We're going to show Springfield that faith and devotion are the wildest thrill rides of all. All right, I hear the Mayor's arriving for the ribbon-cutting. It is with, uh, great pride that I dedicate this new school sports arena or attraction. (tyres screeching) (cheering) Well, Maude your dream has finally come true. (kids screaming) Halt. Who dares to disturb King David? Silence. You have invaded the chamber where I wrote all of my 150 psalms. (gasps) I hope you enjoy hearing them all. Number one: "Blessed is the man who... " (all crying) What do you hit them with? There's no mallet. You can stop Satan with your faith. My face? You calling me ugly? No, no, no, no. I think you're beautiful. Oh, that's it. (screaming) Ooh, what can I get you, little Christian? How about a Noah's Ark of Jellies? Oh, are there two of every flavour? Nope, they're all the same. Plain. Oh. How about a Maude mask? (as Maude): I'm Maude. God is super. Can I sit in the car? Let's both sit in the car. A Bible park without beer? (snorts): Now I've seen everything. And this candy is sub-par. Any religion that embraces carob is, uh, not for Carl Carlson. Oh, hey, get out of the way, pal. You're blocking the exit. Oh, ho, you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in? Don't you dare. Bye, everybody. What a rip-off. It ain't even worth torching. Whoa. Where's everyone going? What's wrong? This place is the height of tedium. Yar, she blows. Oh, Maude, I turned your dream of a Christian amusement park into a bemusement park. (gasps): Don't say that, Ned. It is. It's a bemusement park. I'm sorry, sweetheart. Oh, please don't look at me like that. (gasps) It's a miracle. It's almost like she's alive again. What's that, floating mask? You want me to shoot everyone? (gasps) Naw, I'm just screwing with you. It's a miracle. (crowd oohs and aahs) This is fantastic. I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief. Oh, what the heck. I think it's a sign from God that we should all go nuts. (screaming) What is wrong with you? Go get that. Yes, ma'am. Well, looks like our phenomenon is actually a phenome-not. (chuckling) Because when you look at it rationally... Hakala makta towhoo abowhoo. Hakala makta towhoo abowhoo. (confused murmuring) He's speaking in tongues. Oh, knock it off, Seymour. Go find that boy with my purse. Oh, it was incredible. I saw heaven. But it wasn't clouds and angels playing harps like at the end of so many Three Stooges shorts. It was a golden elementary school with a teachers' lounge that stretched as far as the eye could see and no one was ever tardy. Was I there? No, it was heaven. My vision of heaven. (murmuring) Oh, truly this was the will of Maude. Hey, I want the Maude statue to give me a vision. Yeah, I want to hallucinate, too. I'm sorry. The ticket price doesn't cover visions, miracles or other Godly hoo-hah. Yeah, folks, the power of Christ compels you to give Ned an extra ten bucks. Homer, no. I can't exploit a divine manifestation. Oh, why not? Everybody's doing it. You could give the money to the orphanage. I hear they need a new wall. Three is not enough. (hacking cough) Maude, it's Disco Stu. Lay some heaven on me, foxy dead chick. (disco music playing) Oh, Disco Stu. Right this way. But, hey, Saint Peter. You said, like, you was full. (disco music playing) Aw, geez. Whoa, Frank Sinatra. For me, this is hell. You dig, pally? Oh, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh, ooh, ah, oh... Who's next? That would be me, thank you, sonny. Ooh-ooh. (alarm sounding) My chair... it's... got a mind of its own. Help me, Mr Spock. Shazbot. My captain is in peril. You saved the captain's life. I want to make out with you, and so do Catwoman and Agent 99. Ooh. How come everybody's having visions, Daddy? Oh, there's no explaining God's will, Roddy. That's like explaining how an aeroplane flies. HOMER: Stupid grill. Why won't you light? The gas is on full blast. You better stick your head in and see what's going on. Good idea. No, Dad! I think there's a leak in the line. Leak in the line? (jabbering) Oh, no. This isn't a divine miracle. Everyone's just getting goofy from the gas. Ah, ah, folks, I just discovered something about this statue that, uh, may disappoint you. You see... What is it, Mr Flanders? Is something wrong with the miracle? Will there still be money for the orphans? (hacking cough) Hello, Gas Company? How poisonous is your gas? Wow. But, eh, but I'm talking about, you know outdoors, with plenty of ventilation that... How could that be worse? OK, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see. I've got to close Praiseland down. Someone could get hurt. (sighs) Could get hurt. Could. There's a chance they won't. Ned, Praiseland has touched an entire town with its inspiring message and toxic super freak-outs. Look at those smiling faces. Rich laughing with poor. Bullies breaking bread with nerds. Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line. Lighting candles!? (gasps) Nooo! Nooo! (screaming) I can't feel my legs. I taste blood. Phew. Phew. Adults attacking orphans? I don't think Maude Flanders would approve of that. Absolutely not. Never. No friggin' way. Yeah, this place is more like Craze-land. Instead of Praise-land. Oh, I see. Got it. It's a play on words. May the Lord have mercy on your gas sniffing, orphan-beating soul. Christ be with you. (horn honking) Hey, Ned. I just read about your park in that horrible AAA magazine. Oooh, Ned, look who's here. It's that girl you don't like... not. (laughing crazily) Hey, your hair's grown back real nice. It's a wig. And let's never speak of it again. So what happened here? How about I explain it to you over a cup of coffee? That is, if you're willing to give me another shot. Are you sure you want to do this, Ned? I'm sure. So, how about a movie tomorrow night? Sounds great. I think Ned's going to be all right. Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016