(BELL RINGING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (PLAYING THE BLUES) (HONKING HORN) D-ohh! (SCREAMS) (TYRES SCREECHING) I can't believe it. We won another contest. The Simpsons are going to Delaware. I want to see Wilmington. I want to visit a screen door factory. Yup. Delaware's got it all. You're next, Mr Simpson. > Hey, wait a minute. 'Airport tax, $5?' Sir, it's a standard fee. Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax. Waive it... (LABOURED BREATHING) Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws. (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) The Simpsons are riding the rails. Cool. A dead hobo. Oh. (ALL SCREAM) Morning, folks. What are you going to do to us? Don't worry. I'm not a stabbing hobo. I'm a singing hobo. (SIGHS OF RELIEF) # Nothin' beats the hobo life, # Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife. # I gouge them... # Excuse me, hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving? (CHUCKLING): Sure. I was just having a little fun with you no-bos. Uh, here's a ballad that'll set fire to your trash can. (GUITAR INTRO) # Won't you listen to my tale that's 10 storeys tall # 'Bout a king-sized woodsman name of Bunyan, comma, Paul # Congratulations, Mr Bunyan. It's a boy. (COOING) Jeezum crow! How was it, honey? Whiskey, please. (HOMER'S Voice): Me hungee. (SUCKING) # Born mighty big, he continued to expand # # Thanks to a hopped-up pituitary gland... # Hey. (GRUNTING) # His body grew big # # But his brain stayed small # # He was tree-choppin', friend-stompin' # # House-crushin' Paul. # (SNIFFS) Me hungee. Hey, Paul, flapjacks. (SCREAMS) Flapjacks. (GURGLING) (SPLASHING) Yuck. All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And, uh... wait! Where's Lenny? MAN: Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out. It's not pretty, but it'll do. All right, look, we've got to do something about Bunyan. We're going bankrupt just feeding and clothing the guy. Not to mention the crushings. (MURMURS OF AGREEMENT) Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder. Oh, yeah. That was classic. Yeah, that's a good idea. Uh, hey, Paulie, uh, what say we buy you a beer? Aw, you guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus could have. (CHUGGING) (BLUBBERING) Good Lord. Brought down by one beer? And a couple of these babies. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to the barn dance. (GROANING) (GROGGILY): Where am I? Aw, they don't want me any more. # Paul was just as lonely as a man could get # # So he took out his axe and he carved himself a pet. # (GRUNTING) Oh, boy, I wish you were real. Hey, what the... (LAUGHING) Oh, it's a miracle. I'll call you Babe. You'll be my best friend. HOBO: So Paul and Babe travelled all across this great land leaving their mark. (DRUNKEN BELLOWING) LISA: Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan. And his size seems to be really inconsistent. I mean, one minute he's 10ft tall, the next his feet are as big as a lake. Hey, hey, hey, who's the hobo here? I'm just saying. # Now Paul and Babe were a mighty fine match # # But the man had an itch that an ox couldn't scratch # (PAUL GASPING) She's purdy. Ooh... What a handsome man. Don't worry. I won't smoosh you. You're cute. Oh, thank you. (HUMMING) Hey, what are you doing? I just want to spruce up for our date. Oh... (GIGGLING) Woo hoo. (INHALING) Oh. We've been together a long time now. When are were going to... you know? Soon. I just need a few more yoga classes. Oh, look. A shooting star. MAN: My! That meteor's headed straight for us with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain. Pain in the glayvin. God has sent this fiery kill-rock to show us his love. No. We're going to die. No, no, no... There's only one man who can save us. Oh, I get it. When I'm crushing and killing you you don't like me. But when I can save your life suddenly I'm Mr Popular. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Woo-hoo. I'm Mr Popular. (LAUGHING) Come on, right across the plate. Let's see what you've got, huh? This one's for the little crippled boy... that I crippled. You can do it, Paul. Give me a kiss for luck. Mmm. Ow... Hot... Oh, boy, I could... Ow... oh, someone... Ow... Oh, oh, oh, oh... (GRUNTING) (EXPLOSION) (CHEERING) HOBO: And that's how Paul Bunyan started the Great Chicago Fire. Boy, that story had everything... a giant house crushing, a meteor. Townspeople. Got any more tall tales? Well, I suppose I could spin you a few more yarns. But first... who want to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy. All right, but your next story better be worth it. Get in there good. Yeah, that's it. Don't be shy. There you go. 1 OK, you ready for another impression? This is Southside Jake tearing into Tin Can Tillie. Oh, this'll be good. (AS JAKE): Who put the beans in my bindle? (AS TILLIE): Oh, I am so tired of you saying that I put beans in your bindle. It just makes me so... (JAKE): Do you ever shut up? (TILLIE): Kiss me, you fool. (SMOOCHING AND GROANING) Uh, could we hear another tall tale? In a sec. (MOANING) All righty. Here's a story just for you, little girl. It's the tale of Johnny... No, Connie Appleseed. Oh. Back around 1840, the great pie known as America was still cooling on the windowsill and everybody headed west for a slice. # Cleaning my gun with the safety off # # Safety off, safety off # # Cleaning my gun with the... # (GUNSHOT) (THUD) (CHUCKLING): Whoopsie. Dad, you just killed a poor, defenceless buffalo. A poor, delicious buffalo. He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train. (GUNSHOT) (THUD) Why did you kill another one? Why did you kill another one? Dessert. Mmm... Mmm... Mmm... (CRUNCH) Ow! Hey, I found a bullet. Ptooey! (BUFFALO GROANS) (THUD) (CHUCKLES) Man, buffalo are easy to kill. People, if you don't stop this slaughter you'll wipe out the buffalo. Wipe out an entire species? Why, that's impossible. (ALL LAUGHING) (GRUMBLES SOFTLY) Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof but we can't find a renewable source of food? Think, Connie, think. Connie! Huh? Connie! That tree! It seems to be calling to me. Of course. Apples! No, Connie. Over here! Help me! (GURGLING) Mom! Dad! Look what I found. Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles. Mmm! No, Dad. They're apples. Yuck! Yuck! Well, that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death. Either switch to apples or go on without me. You'll be sorry! (BUFFALO GROANS) (THUD) Oh... So Connie roamed the prairie alone, planting apple seeds all along the way. She even changed her last name to 'Appleseed.' And her family changed theirs to 'Buffelkill.' (SNORING) (YAWNING) I haven't had buffalo in six hours. Marge, how about whipping up some buffalo sausage, huevos buffaleros and some fresh-squeezed buffal-O.J. The buffalo are gone. I think you shot them all. Oh! Connie was right! We wiped out the entire species! What have I done? What have I done? Calm down, Pa. There's two left. (GUNSHOTS) What have I done? What have I done? With the buffalo gone, the starving settlers were driven to cannibalism. (SHIVERING) You're the fattest, Buffelkill. OK, everybody, dig in. (SCREAMING) Stop! I've got apples. Delicious, nutritious apples. And there's enough for everyone. Sweet. It's like a hootenanny in my mouth. We're saved. It's a miracle! Hooray for Connie Buffelkill! What? So now we're not eating Homer? And, thanks to that little girl today you can find apples in everything that's good ` apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis uh... Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail-polish remover... Don't forget applesauce. Yeah... I suppose you could grind some pills into it. Aw! 1 Whoa, look out there, folks. That's the mighty Mississip. Big deal. Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags raftin' down the Big Muddy ` Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. That's not a tall tale. It's a book by Mark Twain. Look, let's just do this thing. Whitewashin' sucks, Tom. It powerful sucks. Morning, friend. Want your turn at whitewashin'? It's powerful fun. Why, you ain't fooling me again, Tom Sawyer. If I may? (GRUNTING) Now, get to work! (CHUCKLING) I still got it. Why, Huckleberry Finn, you get down from there. A body could break his neck. I ain't afeared of that. I'd just get a new neck, off'n a cat. Huck! Oh, Huck, you gave your bones an awful rattling. Yeah... but I'm feeling better right now. HOMER: Ah-ha! Papa! Hold my daughter's hand, will you? I was going to let go, by and by. Well, I guess there's no harm done as long as it was going to be by and by. But just to play it safe... We are gathered here today to force this man, Huckleberry Finn into holy matrimony. How romantic! This reminds me of our shotgun wedding. Grandpa, we've been married for years. When are you going to put down that gun? Well, I reckon you're right. Hang it all! Do you, Huck, take Becky as your wife? (SQUEALING) Whoa! Hey! They done switched the groom with a pig! No wonder he was pooping so much. Ha, ha! (SNORTING AND LAUGHING) Come on, let's get those polecats! Oh, d-ohh! We'll never catch 'em now! I reckon we're safe now. There's the state line. Uh-oh! Rapids! (SCREAMING) (PA): Please do not exit the raft until it has come to a complete stop. Mr Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates! Well, I'll dispose of this! All for Silas, all for Silas! (BOTH YAWNING) I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? Hmm, looks like we're out of corn pone, fatback hardtack, fatpone, corntack... Any tackback? Tackback? I mean backtack. I mean backtack. Plumb out. One jug of whiskey, three plugs of tobaccy and some extra-strength opium. That will be two cents, boys. Two cents? If you think my prices are high, go across the street. Oh, he put the lardpone on top of the eggpone. Dang! Double dang! Aw, donkey butter! (BOTH HOLLERING) Oh, it's no use. I got an idea. Well, dog my cats. They's dis-apporated. Keep quiet, Huck. They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention. # Old man river # # That old man river # # He just keeps rolling... # (SCREAMING) Well, I see President Fillmore's in the news again ` glug, glug, glug. (LAUGHTER) What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me. Give me five. This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see. That barkeep's a no-good cheat! ALL: Cheat?! (HAMMERS COCKING) Ah, all right, we've all got Derringers. Now, let's just put them away. Nobody here is a cheat. ALL: Cheat? (GUNFIRE) Man, those Derringer bullets are weak. Powerful weak. Light out and stay lit-out! (YELLING) (GURGLING): Aw, catfish! PARSON LOVEJOY: Let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed young men Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer. Now, for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins. And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure. I like that story, cos I was a judge. Delaware! Well, this is our stop. Would you like to come sightseeing with us? We're going to visit the place where J.C. Penney sends their damaged merchandise. No, thanks. I'm going to keep on riding the rails swapping stories for sponge baths. (LAUGHTER) (CLEARS THROAT) I believe I told three stories. Oh... I'll meet you in Wilmington. Close the door. HOMER: Raise your arm. OK, the other one. HOBO: You know, I do 400 sit-ups a day. Oh, it shows. I was going to say something, but I thought it might sound weird. Not at all. I like it when people say nice things about my body. It's important to feel good about yourself. OK, spread your toes. Oh! Do you know how much glass is in here? www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016