1 (bell ringing) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) (honking horn) D-ohh! (screams) (tyres screeching) # Won't you marry me, Bill? # I got the wedding gown, Bill # 'Cause weddings are nice... # Oh, let's never miss the school bus again. That was the Fifth Dimension with "Weddings Are Nice." You know what else is nice, Marty? What's that, Bill? The KBBL Prize Posse. MAN: Damn dirty ape. If our Wampum Wagon spots your KBBL Party Penguin you'll win $40! (cash register ringing) Did you hear that, Pengy? Forty dollars! Hey, there's the Wampum Wagon. (gasps) End of the line, boys. (tyres squealing) Look out because of the zooming. If we're late for school we'll miss our free federal breakfast. Big deal. It's just saltines and fig paste. Ew! Saltines? (loud slurping) Hey, Cora, I heard science is working on a doughnut that actually burns off calories. How's that going? What? Uh, never mind. Just refill this with jelly, will you? Thanks. You're an angel. What? Hey, check it out. Wiggum's cruiser. Wow. Tear gas, riot club, police hat... ...with rain baggie. Oh, man, that would really keep your head dry. Have you ever been in a police car? Not in the front. Hey, I just had this crazy idea. Really, what? What's this thing? Check this out. You there, put your hands up. Me? OK. Now drop your pants. But my hands are up. Hula out of them. All right, officer. (both laughing) (barking) (screaming) What the heck is going on out there? Officer Sniffy. Come in, Sniffy. Do you read me? It's me, Clancy. No. Get away. Uh-oh. Hey, somebody's stealing my car. CORA: What? Look out! Soup! Soup! That's why you young athletes are so promising. Now, who'd like to buy a trophy? Finally, some recognition. All right, you two are under arrest for joyriding. You have the right to remain... Uh... silent? That doesn't sound right. I love our court days. It's about the only thing we do as a family any more. Hey, Karie. Hey, Lisa. Your Honour, please don't send my son to Juvie. He's basically a good kid. He's just weak. Morally, and in the upper body. Please let me slip through the cracks. Well, you look like a good student with those glasses and I suppose boys will be boys. Case dismissed. (chuckles) Good old Judge Snyder. Next defendant, Bartholomew J Simpson. Well, show time. Why, hello, Bart. Say, are those new shoes? Yes, they are, Roy. Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh, sorry. Oh, my. Looks like you were the ringleader in this car theft. And that's a felony. Yes, sir. On the other hand, I was young once. I'll bring the car around. And I suppose boys will be... (beeping) Whoops! My vacation just started. All rise for the Honourable Judge Constance Harm. Uh-oh. Silence in my courtroom! Grand theft auto?! It was an accident, ma'am. Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting. What did she say about cupcakes? According to this your father was driving you to school. Then where was he when you stole the police car? Um, Your Honour. I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Prize Patrol. You abandoned your son to win $40? And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion. Cool. And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble? Your Honour, if I may sing a little bit of "Don't Fear the Reaper" I think you'll agree that... I'm familiar with BOC. But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision. I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or au pair. Sorry, Bub. That crow won't caw. It won't? I hereby order you to be tethered to your son. Tethered? Tethered. Report to room five. Room five?! There we go. How's that? It's a little tight. Sir, you are not a size four. I used to be. (sobbing) 1 Oh... this punishment is so cruel. And unusual. Can that judge do this to us? Creative sentencing is common these days. That's why Bill Clinton is our new mailman. (grunting) Dang magazines. Well, maybe it'll be fun. You'll get to spend more time together. Make sure your father takes his mood medication. I'll medicate you... (gulps) ...honey. You know, this could be fun. Race you to the kitchen, my little tetherball. You're on, rope-a-dope! (gagging) Today we're going to talk about predicates and predicate nominatives. HOMER: Boring. Mr Simpson, I'm trying to teach. Come on, these kids are never going to use that stuff. Will you please just go back to sleep?! Fine. (snoring) (mumbles, snoring stops) All right, now, who can pick out the predicate in this sentence? (shrieking) What's wrong with him now, Bart? Night terrors, ma'am. (screaming): Cobras! OK, son, concentrate. Shut out everything but the sound of my criticism. Swing! (grunts) (cheering) Run, Bart! Pump your thighs! Pump them! Hurry up, Dad! I'm with you, son! Safe! Wow, my first home run. That's my boy. (screams) (slurring): Come on, hug me! (groaning) (screaming): Cobras! Cobras! (shrieking) I thought I would hate working nights but it's so peaceful and there's no one here to squeal on me for shooting mice. Can I ask you something, Dad? Sure, boy. The town keeps getting bigger. Will there always be enough electricity? (chuckling): Oh, son, you know that's none of your business. Say, is that our house? I don't think our house has a steeple. Oh, yeah. I forget things sometimes. Really? You like skateboards? We're sure learning a lot about each other. Yeah, this tether has some pluses. (both groaning in pain) Ow, my head. I need a beer. I hit my head, Moe. One beer, coming up. Hey, hey, no kids in the bar. Since when? Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here. All right, all right. Come on, Bart. I'm cold and scared. That's my little slugger. Come on, Dad, let's go. Hey, knock it off. These pants cost $600. Really? Yeah, they're Italian. All right, hand them over. (groans:) Oh... Yeah-- I rob now. KENT BROCKMAN: There's a new judge in town with a hard-nosed approach to juvenile crime: punish the parents. Yeah, it's about time! Oh... Kids are running wild, Kent, and I blame Mr and Mrs Neverspank. Uh-oh... We'll have to bleep their names. You'll bleep nothing! Parents, it's time to take control. If you can't cope, you'll wear the rope. Well, you can tell she's never had kids. Look how high and firm her breasts are. Granted, but you got to admit constant supervision has been good for Bart. He might even make the honour roll if Dad can control his night terrors. Well, that's a pretty big "if", honey. Come on, Dad, I got to go to the bathroom. Oh, I just got comfortable. Use the bottle. No, I don't want you going in a bottle. That's what hoboes do. Come on, Homer. No. Mom! Aw, Jeez, Homer, just take him to the bathroom. Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle. Somebody tell me! (both moaning) Would you mind? I'm trying to do my homework. Uh, son, it's a little chilly. Maybe you should wrap a blanket around your head. Oh, Homie, no, we can't. Oh, what... what's the big deal? He sees a thousand times worse on that animal channel. I don't want him to see us... expressing our love. Why not? Kids are very visual these days. No. But... The lady said no. You shut up. Hey, shut up. Ow! Why, you...! Ow! What'd you do that for? Because-- ow!-- you... Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, yeah? (grunting) Ow! I'm sleeping in the bathtub. (door slams) Why, you little... (gagging) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh, that really hurt. I can't take it any more. Mom, you cut the tether. We're free! Your mother set us free! Whoo-hoo! JUDGE HARM: Don't celebrate too much. (stammering) Who said that? (gasping) That's right, it's me, Judge Harm through the magic of fibre optics. Hey, hey, hey, how about that? Quiet, tubsy. You violated my order. But Constance, it only happened because... Hey, hey, if I want a cock and bull story, I'll read Hemingway. Don't be mad at Homer. I was the one who cut the rope. Are you threatening me with that knife? No! Wait, I'm to blame, Judge. You see, I was pressuring my wife to make love in front of our son-- you're going to laugh when you hear this-- when suddenly... Well, I thought Dad was the problem but apparently, Mom is no prize pig herself. It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing Sweet Lady H. I'm a latchkey kid. You are not. Quiet, little girl. You two need to wake up and smell the java and the first step is to admit that you're bad parents. I admit it. Homer, no. We're not bad parents. Yes, you are! Just say it. No, I won't, and frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully. You do, huh? You're so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people you can't see how much I love my kids. Your Honour, I'd like to be tried separately. I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm but we are not bad parents and there isn't a tether in this world with enough fibre optics to make me say we are. Hmm... She's such a butthole. 1 (grunts) Sorry. Just-Just let me get... Ow! (grunting) (grunting) (dish breaking) Damn it! (sighs) Poor Mom and Dad. Do you think it's fair that you're always getting into trouble yet Mom and Dad are being punished? No, it's terrible. (slurping loudly) Well, why don't you do something about it? Well, why don't you do something about it? After wrestling. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe what I am seeing. Dr Bonebreak just married Rumblina and they're already wailing at each other. (cheering) When are you going to start taking responsibility for your actions? to start taking responsibility for your actions? Cos I felt like it. You're not even listening. I know you are but what am I? (groans) Haven't we been humiliated enough? Not yet, no. Today the judge wants you to bend over so people can spank you from their cars. Well, that explains the sign. Ooh! Here comes a car. Argh! Ya scurvy dawgs! (both grunt) Worst parents ever! (both yell) Ha ha! (screaming) Hey! No extension cords! You know, we could get out of these stupid things if you'd just tell the judge you're a bad mother. And you don't even have to say "bad." It could be "negligent" or "unfit" or "drugged up." I just can't do that, Homer. It's a matter of principle. And I need you to support me in this. You're right. Time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge. But first we've got to break out of these stocks. Easy, easy... I want goggles, too! Shh! You'll wake up Flanders. (screams) What the...? (Marge screaming) (laughing) Hey, Marge, surf's up! You're using my table saw to violate a court order? Well, we tried all your other tools. Oh... Gee, I always like to help you, Homer, but I don't want to be an accessory to some sort of shady doings. And it does raise a whole host of ethical questions such as... Whoo-hoo! (sighs) Now, time for Operation Judge-Get-Back-At. If that costume shop knew we were using these burglar outfits for real, they'd be furious. OK, she lives at 1 Ocean View Drive. Let's start skulking. (vehicle approaches) (gasps) Oh... It's only the milkman. Hey, maybe I should be a milkman. Concentrate, Homer. This ad... This address must be wrong. No! No, there it is. She lives in a houseboat?! Wow, she is so cool! We hate her, Homer. I know, I know-- fight the power. Let's do this thing. (gasps): Cops! Aw, ain't that sweet, Chief? Sure is, Lou. Those two longshoremen found love. Let's go. Look at her in there-- washing her body... Get away from that window and help me with this banner. (laughs) I hate to call her dirty names, but there's only one way to describe a nasty superwitch like her. Let's get out of here. (both gasp) (laughs) It's just a friendly seal. (barking) Shh! No, we can't play now. (barking ferociously) Shut up... (both gasp) What is it, Pancho? Is someone out there? (barking) You can't hide from me. She's gonna find us. Oh, Lord, guide this cinder block... Homer, no! (grunts) HOMER: Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doing? (growling) (grunts) That quilt was made by my grandmother. So... it cost you nothing. Shut... up! You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals and I'm going to lock you up till frogs do fractions. Your Honour, may I say something? Well, it is highly unorthodox... so, no! Please, Your Honour? Oh, I can't resist that look. You remind me of me when I was a little boy. Your Honour, it's not easy being my parents. I'm always screwing up in school getting in trouble with the law, but if I grow up to be a halfway decent person I know it'll be because of my mom and dad. Everyone else might give up on me, but my parents never will. That's my brother. Um... did she say she used to be a dude? So, Your Honour, if you're going to punish anyone in this courtroom today I ask that you punish me. OK, I will. Bartholomew Simpson, I hereby sentence you to five years in Juvenile Hall. (both gasp) (gasps) Well, I'm back from vacation. But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official. Sorry. I've already put my clown down. But I was just going to... The clown is down. (frustrated grunt) Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys-will-be-boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed. Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! MARGE: All right, we got lucky that time but I want everyone in this family to raise your hand and promise not to break the law for one full year. We promise. (gasps) (tyres screeching) Whew! That was close. Please drive off me. (gasps) Hmm, what's that noise? Uh... just the radio, dear. # Dang me, dang me # They oughta take a rope and hang me # High from the highest tree # Woman, would you weep for me? # Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016