1 (bell ringing) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) (honking horn) D-ohh! (screams) (tyres screeching) (alarm wails) I love Chinatown... although I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town. (grunting) (Chinese music plays) (applause) (gasps) Ooh, it must be Chinese New Year! (siren wails, tyres screech) (gun hammers cock) (roars in pain, crowd gasps) Ah. People buy 'em when they're small and cute. Then they flush 'em down the toilet. (gong sounds) Uh, yeah, I'll have the shark butt with butt sauce. Bart! Oh, excellent choice, sir. Wow. Um... how is the Feast of Twelve Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce? Very disappointing. Then I'll have the sweet 'n' sour rice. Oh, very good. Would you like that with, uh, fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses? Neither, thank you. Is there any way we can enhance your dining experience by hurting an animal? No! Fortune cookies. Ah, and now to read my fortune. "Geese can be troublesome." What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Oh, fortune means... geese cause problems. (sarcastic chuckle): Well, I knew that before I came in here. A guy outside told me that. "Every house has a bathroom." Oh, these fortunes are terrible. Is there a problem? These fortunes are terrible. They're supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness. Well, with all due respect, sir I suppose you could come up with better fortunes? Huh! Easy! Well? You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial. That's not bad. Come with me. (footsteps approaching) (typewriters clacking) (frustrated stammering) It's terrible! God, what am I doing here? I should be in New York writing riddles on Popsicle sticks. Then I'd be making a difference. Oh, they ruined my best fortune. I wrote, "Let the frown be your umbrella." They changed it to "smile." A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile. This gentleman here can write better fortunes than all of you put together. Show them. OK, let's see, um... The price of stamps will climb ever higher. (astonished muttering) He's like a young me! Please. Yung Mee was a hack compared to this guy. You're hired. HOMER: Let's see. You will invent a humorous toilet lid. You will find true love on Flag Day. Your store is being robbed, Apu. Are you getting all this, Lisa? I don't know. "You are a real winner." Whew, that fortune really nailed me... (chuckling): ...and my winning ways. (giddy giggling) "You will take a short sea voyage." Yar. I'll enjoy that. (bird caws) $14 and ten... 11... 12 cents. There you go. You know, sir, tipping is customary. Ooh, me sorry. Me no speaky Chiny. (door slams) Mmm... Oh, General Gao, you're a bloodthirsty fool but your chicken is delectable. (grunting) Ooh, this cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside. (groaning) (sharp crack) Nice job, sir. That was my thumb. Ah... Well, there seems to be some sort of communique. It's your fortune, sir. Capital! "You will find true love on Flag Day." (scoffs) Why, it's Flag Day today. It... (gasps) True love at last. Well, it's just you and me here, sir. No time for jokes, Smithers. Come along. We're going womanising. Oh, goody. ...so, I foreclosed on her mortgage and took her cats. (both laughing) Oh, Monty, it's such a delight to talk to you. I've gone five minutes without saying "Well, I never!" Excellent. Let me fetch you another Thomas Collins. (humming) (train whistle blows) (Burns gasps) (chugging) Oh! Damn that Pennybags! Between him and Scrooge McDuck, all the best ankle is taken. (neon buzzing) (techno music blaring) Perhaps there's some girls in here. (door creaks) Great heavens! (men cheering) It's one of those nude female fire stations. No, I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree. Let's go, Smithers. Smithers? Oh, that fortune promised me true love. (sighing): This has been the worst Flag Day ever. (humming) (gasps) That constable is ticketing my car! I told you we should've parked next to the kerb. Now see here, flatfoot! (gasps) My goodness. You're beautiful. Oh, thanks, but I still got to give you the ticket. (chuckling): Oh, of course you do. You can lift my wiper any day. (giggling) Is it still Flag Day? For 12 more seconds, sir. Um, miss, would you submit to a wooing by a gentleman caller? Oh, I'm sorry, but you're really not my, uh... (pathetic whimpering) Well, OK. Oh, frabjous day! She said yes! (gleeful humming) He'll pick you up at 7. Wear a petticoat. Petticoat?! Here's a place that rents them. 1 It's about time Mr Burns found a woman. I can't stand to see a man single. Some people enjoy being alone, Mom. No. Everyone should be paired up. It wasn't meant to be. I've got to be honest, Monty. I've never dated anyone who knew Calvin Coolidge. Well, I've never dated anyone with their original hair and teeth. (both laughing) You're a nice guy, Monty. You're always laughing and tenting your fingers. I like that. (laughing) Excellent. And you're so upbeat. You think everything's excellent. I really feel safe with you. It's like going out with my brother. THINKS: Yes! It's going great. So, what are you into? In... to? Yeah. Like, what's a fun day for a 104-year-old? Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends like, uh, uh,... piloting motorcoaches and, uh,... collecting dog waste. (radio playing): # Everybody thinks I'm crazy... # So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing, or if you'd rather stay home, you could sing while I accompany you on the clavichord. Actually, Monty, uh... Oh, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War. Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too... Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment. It's how old you feel in the humours. I'm sorry, Monty. Stop that dog! It has my gum! Look, there's one of my young chums now. You, there! Uh, uh, yes, Mr Burns? Tell my young sweetheart here of our youthful exploits. Um... Play along, Chubsy. There's a pie in it for you. Oh! Yeah. Monty's a wild man. Yes! Yes! Whoa! Oh, he ran his own casino, stole the Loch Ness monster got shot by a baby, and blotted out the sun. Wow. That was you? So, shall I pick you up at 8? Well... Come on; he's a total player. OK. Stop kicking my door. (tyres squealing) Oh... well done, young man. Your youthful trendiness will come in handy throughout the courting process because these days... Where did you get that pie? Windowsill. Oh, you...! (humming) Hmm? No underpants? Homer... what are you up to? Burns wants me to come along on his date to show him where hip young people go. Well, don't look too hip. You don't want that girl falling for you. (snickering) You're right! These would stop Joan Collins herself. (disco music blaring) (music stops) (music stops) Ah, drat. (gasping): I wish that... song were longer. (inhaling deeply) I've got to admit, you can really shake it. Oh, yes, that's totally voluntary. So, you guys come here all the time? Uh... oh, uh, constantly. When we're not being kicked out for our rowdy, youthful behaviour, eh, pally? Yup. No one's rowdier or more youthful than Old Man Burns. You mean Young Man Burns. Mmm. Put my hand on her knee. Yes, Mr Burns. I said her. And I said knee. (chuckling): Oh, sorry. I'm going to make such love to you that... oh, you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino. Turn left here. No problem. Mmm. (exhausted sigh) All right, you're dismissed. I'll take it from here. But, Mr Burns, you're exhausted. Yes. But I have a little secret. I've obtained a rare, powerful aphrodisiac. It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox ` an animal that only existed for three weeks in the 16th century. (gasping and grunting) D-ohh! See you tomorrow night, Simpson. Huh. (liquid sloshes) (sly laugh) (lecherous laughter) Ah... Mmm... Oh, oh, Homie, that was amazing. (gasping) I hope the kids didn't hear us. Wow. (cheerful humming) Well, Burns looks happy today. Heh. Watch me, uh, take advantage of his good mood. Ooh. Uh, Mr Burns, uh, can I have a raise? Clean out your desk. You're gone. Well, I had a good run. # If I counted all of the things I've got, # you might really think I have a lot, # but I won't be satisfied if I don't have you. # Living in a castle like a king # wouldn't be much fun without my queen, # and I'd prob'ly throw it all away if I don't have you... # (whooping) Ooh! Once again, my dear, you've beaten two strapping young bucks. Excellent. (laughing) Did you hear that? That "excellent" was... excellent. Can I have some ice cream? I finished my pizza. In time, in time. I need to speak with you in private. Back in a moment, my dear. We have to, uh,... uh,... expel some urine. You're going to ask her to marry you?! Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels in love. Are you sure you want to do this so fast? Yes. My biological clock is ticking. I could be dead again soon. Wait, my dear. I think you'll find that red ball more... engaging. Hmm? (gasping) Monty! It's beautiful! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Gloria, say you'll marry me. Oh, Montgomery, of course I'll marry you. (laughing): Oh, spectacular! Now we must celebrate. I'll get some champagne-iola. This is the happiest day of my life. Nothing could spoil it. Absolutely nothing. # Dum-de-dum-dum-dum. # OK. Gun ` check. Dollar-sign bag ` check. Power bar ` check. All right, let's rob this... bowling alley? OK, whatever. All right, totally... Gloria? Snake? I thought you were in prison. I was. I told the guard that I was going out for a pack of cigarettes, then I totally stabbed him. (chuckling) Hmm, you're looking good, baby. Why did we ever break up? You pushed me out of a moving car. The cops were chasing us. I needed to lighten the load. And, um, protect you. Ha-ha. Come on, baby, we can talk more at my hideout. No! I'm engaged now. (gasping) My ring! Let go of her, or I'll scream. (screaming) Kaloo-kalei! We're in luck! They had a magnum at the shoe counter. Now, for... Gloria? Her ring. (gasping) Well, she's run off... (gasping) ...with Simpson. 1 Well, this is my house. (yelps) Uh-uh. Oh Jeez. I just wanted to escape. (tyres screeching) Gloria, you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage. He's not my boyfriend. Mr Burns is. Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom. You're dating that old trilobite? Gross! We're in love, Snake. Don't say that, baby. I'm going to win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night. Pistol-whip?! Ooh... Mmm. (slurping) Mmm. Pistol Whip. Local authorities are confident the killer bees are just curious and won't bother us if we don't bother them. On a serious note, two local residents have been missing for the last 20 minutes. We take you now live to Barney's Bowlarama and the last man who saw them, C Montgomery Burns. They don't understand. She was my young, sexy fiancee. He was my sexually virile best friend. And they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa. How could this ever have happened? Well, according to our Audience Insta-poll, 46% say, "You're too old" and 37% say, "She's a skank." Almost there. HOMER: Wow. Who do you have to kill to get a place like this? I think his name was Gustafson. (grunts) Ow! Oh, let me guess. Now you're going to start working him over with the brass knuckles. You are so predictable. You know what would be surprising? A foot massage. Shut up. D-ohh! Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me. It used to. What if I beat him harder? Wow, you so don't get it. Um, has the ship sailed on my foot massage suggestion? (grunts) Ow! Don't worry, Mr Burns. We'll track down Simpson with your vehicle's antitheft system. ELECTRONIC VOICE: Car gone. Car gone. Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to? Car gone! Car gone! Car gone! Uh, Chief, this yokel says he saw Simpson driving out near Hickton. Yuh-huh. My peepers don't lie. That's nice work, Lou. Lock him up. Huh!? Hey! Hey, I want that lawyer what wears the cowboy hat. Release the girl, Simpson. I think I can take him out, Chief. (chuckling): That's a sweet shot. He's tied to a chair. That means Dad's not a kidnapper. He's a hostage. Get off my lawn, coppers or I'll totally turn the sprinklers on. Come on, Snake. You don't want to soak all these people. We're in minute two of this standoff. What's the situation, Chief? Well, we have an officer sneaking around the house, Kent, so unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking... or can hear my loud talking... (gunshot) or can hear my loud talking... (gunshot) ...it... Ow, ow, ow. Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it? I swear I can change, Gloria. I'm taking classes in computer fraud. That's what you said about the telemarketing scams, but you didn't stick with it. I don't like bothering people at home. Good fire. Good fire. Keep burning. Almost there. Just a little more. Wait. (screaming) (gasps) (yells) (Snake yelling) (Homer screams) (both gasping and yelping) My Gloria is still inside! Save her! Hey, it's too dangerous. But I got a sister you might like. She's completely hairless, like those cats. I don't care if she's Miss Hairless America. I'm spoken for. Now step aside. I'll save Gloria myself. Y-You? Uh, no offence, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton. Perhaps, but this monkey skeleton is in love. (grunting) (sighs): Oh. Who am I kidding? I'm just a feeble old man. (groans weakly) Gloria! (gasps) He did it! He saved her! Well, the important thing is they're both safe. (gasping) (coughing) I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say, "Channel Six is hot, hot, hot!" Wow, Mr Burns. How did you do that? Never forget, Homer. There's no muscle stronger than the human heart. What about the wiener? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his. Yes. Oh, Monty, you saved me. And to think, I was once in love with that dirty lowlife with his arrogant smirk, gutter mouth,... (softening): tough guy attitude, macho tattoos, hair that can't be tamed,... (sighing): prison-sculpted body... Uh-oh. I'm sorry, Monty. Oh, Snake, don't ever change. (sputtering) But you... I don't get it, Simpson. I'm a "bad boy." Oh, I know. I'm absolutely evil. You're preaching to the choir, man. What do I have to do, grow a devil beard? Devil beard? You know, a little goatee thing. You mean a Van Dyke? BURNS: No, a Van Dyke has a moustache, doesn't it? I think it can. BART: Are you talking about a soul patch? No! Wait. Maybe. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015