IN ORDER FOR US TO PUSH BACK FROM THE GATE, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBELTS ARE SECURELY FASTENED, SEAT BACKS, TRAY TABLES IN THEIR UPRIGHT, LOCKED POSITION, AND THAT ALL YOUR LUGGAGE IS COMPLETELY STOWED. WE'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR FLYING WITH US. WELCOME ABOARD. (MUSIC PLAYING) # I'M JUST A MAN, YOU'VE GOT ME RUNNING HEADLONG # # INTO THE NEON LIGHTS # # I'M GONNA KEEP IT TO MYSELF # # BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT # # HOW DID THEY MAKE A LIVING IF THEY'RE HALF AS TOUGH? # I CAN'T SET MY MIND ON ANYTHING # # AND I'M TELLING EVERYONE AROUND # # NOW I KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW # # BUT THIS ONE IS AN ORIGINAL # (WHISTLING) # OOH OOH OOH... # P.A.: FLIGHT 82 TO SAN FRANCISCO IS NOW READY FOR BOARDING AT GATE... FLIGHT 63 TO NEW YORK NOW BOARDING AT GATE 41. # I TRY TO LISTEN TO MY HEAD AND COME BACK WITH NOTHING # # BUT BA-DA-DA-BOOM-BOOM # # I WASN'T LYING WHEN I SAID I WAS AFRAID # # THAT YOU COULD TELL THAT I'VE BEEN RUNNING ON FUMES # (TELEPHONE BEEPING) # AND NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN # # AND I KNOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO IT SOON # # I KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW # # THIS ONE IS AN ORIGINAL # # OOH OOH OOH... # # WHEN I WALK # # AROUND... # MMM. SO... SO...HAPPY BIRTHDAY. OH, THANK YOU... FOR THE TAKEOUT. SURE. IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO. IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. (CHUCKLES) SO... OH, YEAH, RIGHT. BUT DAN'S HOME, SO WE GOTTA GO TO THE BEDROOM. OH. ARE WE DONE IN HERE? YEAH, WELL, WE'VE FINISHED EATING. HMM. WHAT? I JUST THOUGHT THAT THIS MIGHT BE A GREAT MOMENT FOR YOU TO GIVE ME MY GIFT. OH, SHIT. AMY, I DIDN'T GET YOU ANYTHING. YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO GET YOU ANYTHING. WHAT'S HAPPENING? OH, GOD, ARE YOU CRYING? NO. (CRYING) I HAVE MISSED SOMETHING HERE, BABY. SO YOU WANTED A PRESENT. GARRETT, I TELL YOU NOT TO GET ME SOMETHING SO YOU'LL WANT TO GET ME SOMETHING REALLY GREAT BECAUSE I'M THE GIRLFRIEND THAT DIDN'T ASK FOR ANYTHING. WHAT? OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S GO. I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING NOW. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE GODDAMN GIFT. WAIT A MINUTE. IT JUST WAS ABOUT THE GIFT. WHEN DID IT BECOME NOT ABOUT THE GIFT? IT'S BIGGER THAN THIS. IT'S A COMBINATION OF A LOT OF THINGS. I'VE INVESTED SO MUCH OF MYSELF IN THIS RELATIONSHIP AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DOING THE SAME. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE INTO THIS. ARE YOU? SURE. OH MY GOD. AH! AMY, COME ON. I-- DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT CALLING ME AGAIN! OH! JESUS! AMY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I SHOULD NOT CALL YOU, OR A SHOULD WANT TO CALL YOU? OK, SO IT MEANS WHAT IT MEANS. GOOD. (HORN HONKING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) OW! OH MY GOD! MOTHER BITCH! ERIN, YOU'RE LATE. THANKS, BRANDY. I ALMOST FORGOT WHY I WAS RUNNING. (WHISPERING) DID HE USE THE RED PEN WITH YOU GUYS? NO. NO. WELL, IT'S IMPRESSIVE REPORTING. THANK YOU. HOWEVER, IT NEEDS TO BE COMPLETELY RESTRUCTURED. AND A SPELL CHECK WOULDN'T HURT. "MUNINCIBAL" COURTHOUSE? NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS. THANK YOU, LADIES. (INDISTINCT CHATTER, TELEPHONES RINGING) WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'M 31. I'M AN INTERN. I'M GOING TO GET WASTED. OH, I'M SO IN. LET'S GO. I'D LOVE A COPILOT. LOOK AT THIS SHIT. OH MY GOD, HE BLED ON IT. # YOU KNOW YOU WON'T... # (CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE SHE BROKE UP WITH ME. WELL, OF COURSE SHE DID, DUMBASS. WHAT, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T GET HER A GIFT? IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GIFT. I REALLY DON'T THINK IT'S ABOUT THE GIFT. IT'S NOT. HOW DOES EVERYONE EXCEPT ME KNOW IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GIFT? DUDE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ALL RIGHT, HANG ON A SECOND, MAN. BRO, I GET IT, ALL RIGHT? IT'S A TOUGH THING TO GET DUMPED. YOU GET UPSET, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM, YOU TURN OFF ALL THE LIGHTS, YOU LIGHT A CANDLE, AND YOU JUST, LIKE, YOU KNOW, GO INTO THAT DEEP EMOTIONAL PLACE WHERE YOU'RE-- WHERE YOU'RE, LIKE... (SOBBING) IS THAT REALLY HOW YOU CRY? YES. ARE YOU GOING THROUGH THAT? HAVE YOU CRIED? ALL RIGHT, NO, I DIDN'T CRY. I'VE NEVER CRIED LIKE THAT. I CRY LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME. I'VE ONLY REALLY CRIED OVER A GIRL IN, LIKE, HIGH SCHOOL, MAYBE. WELL, THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, MAN. MAYBE YOU WEREN'T INTO THAT CHICK. 'CAUSE I DIDN'T CRY THAT MEANS I'M NOT-- NO. I LIKED HER. OF COURSE I LIKED HER. I MEAN, WE WERE GOOD TOGETHER. WE-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. AW, DUDE, COME ON. THIS HAPPENS EVERY TIME. WHAT? YOU GET IN A RELATIONSHIP, BUT YOU DON'T EVER FULLY COMMIT. YOU NEVER HAVE, NOT SINCE I'VE KNOWN YOU. AND THEN THE GIRL FIGURES THAT OUT, AND THEN SHE SPLITS. AND THEN WE HAVE TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO YOU BE SURPRISED ABOUT THAT, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. ALL THE TIME. THIS HAPPENS A LOT. IT'S NOT TRUE. IT HAPPENS OCCASIONALLY. THERE'S A DEFINITE PATTERN. DEFINITE PATTERN. YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO CLEAR MY HEAD. A LOT OF SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS GOING ON THAT I CAN'T HANDLE. YOU GONNA CRY IT OUT? I'M NOT CRYING. JUST GONNA CLEAR MY HEAD. CLEAR YOUR HEAD, CRY. SAME THING. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT WITH THE MAN CRY, THOUGH, LIKE THAT LOW, LIKE... (DEEP SOBBING) I DON'T KNOW. IF YOU ASK ME, THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO SUCK YOUR OWN DICK. THAT DOES NOT-- YES, IT DOES. NO, IF I WASN'T MAKING ANY NOISE AND YOU SAW ME ACROSS THE ROOM GOING LIKE THIS, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? WELL, YEAH, THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO SUCK YOUR DICK, BUT THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT. WHEN I SUCK MY DICK, I LIE ON MY BACK, I THROW MY LEGS OVER MY HEAD. YOU SUCK YOUR OWN DICK? YEAH. YOU CUT YOUR OWN HAIR AND YOU SUCK YOUR OWN DICK. YOU'RE LIKE A SWISS ARMY KNIFE. MAYBE WE SHOULD CIRCULATE. THERE'S HOT GUYS EVERYWHERE. YOU'RE BEING LAME. WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER I DO, GET DATE-RAPED BY A FRAT GUY WITH A POPPED COLLAR? NO, THANK YOU. YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS. MORE FOR YOU, BABY. THANK YOU. ERIN: HAVE FUN BEING "THE ACCUSED." HEY. HEY. I LIKE YOUR SHIRT. I KNOW. IT'S A POLO. YOU SMELL GOOD. IT'S AXE. I KNOW. YOU MIGHT AS WELL REMOVE THAT QUARTER. I HAVE NO INTENTION OF GETTING OFF THIS GAME. (GAME WINDING DOWN) LISTEN-- OH MY GOD! WHAT? WHO DOES THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHO LEANS IN LIKE THAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO BEAT THE HIGH SCORE. NO WAY. NO WAY YOU GOT THAT CLOSE TO ERL. I'VE NEVER GOTTEN THAT CLOSE TO ERL. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BEAT MYSELF? I MEAN, WHAT A DICK MOVE. WAIT. WHAT? WHAT? HOLD ON. HOLD ON. YOU'RE ERL? YOU'RE THE DRAGON? I'M A WHAT? I'VE BEEN CHASING ERL FOR MONTHS NOW. I JUST THOUGHT ERL WAS A... I THOUGHT ERL WAS A... AN EARL, YOU KNOW? ERIN RANKIN LANGFORD. NOBODY CALLS ME ERL. I'M HONOURED. OK? I AM HONOURED. I'M A SHIT. WHAT A DICK. I CAN'T BELIEVE I-- I OWE YOU A BEER. PLEASE LET ME GET YOU A BEER. I'M SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE. WE GOT A PITCHER... I'D FEEL LIKE SHIT IF YOU DON'T HAVE A BEER WITH ME. ONE CENTIPEDE-OPHILE TO ANOTHER. ALL RIGHT. I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME RIGHT NOW. I AM LISTENING. I AM LISTENING. I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT. I CAN'T TELL IF THEY'RE TOGETHER. I THINK THEY'RE ON THEIR FIRST DATE. THEY'RE TALL. YES, I SEE. THEY'RE TALL GIRLS. BUT ARE YOU NOT AFRAID ABOUT WHAT'S-- I BET THE BLOND ONE PLAYED COLLEGE SPORTS. CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME FOR ONE SECOND? I'M TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THERE ARE NO BABY PIGEONS IN THE CITY. NOT ONE. GUYS, UH, I WANT YOU TO MEET ERIN. ERIN, THESE ARE MY FRIENDS. THIS IS BOX AND DAN. HI. HOW ARE YOU? HEY. HELLO. I SCREWED UP ERIN'S CENTIPEDE GAME, SO I OWE HER A BEER. FUCKER PUT HIS FACE IN FRONT OF THE GAME. WHAT? OHH... WHO DOES THAT? EXACTLY. NAH, IT WASN'T THAT BAD. CHECK ONE... OK, EVERYONE, PEOPLE, IT IS TIME FOR TONIGHT'S ROUND OF... BAR TRIVIA! (SCANT APPLAUSE) SO YOU KNOW THE RULES. UH, JUST TEAMS OF 2. NO FIGHTING, NO G-- (MICROPHONE SQUEALS) OHH! SHIT! TERRY, I JUST GOT SHOCKED BY THIS MIKE. WELL, THEN DON'T PUT YOUR FACE ON IT. I DO NOT HAVE HEALTHCARE, TERRY. HEY, HEY, LISTEN, THESE TWO GET REALLY MOODY AND EMOTIONAL WHEN THEY'RE SEPARATED, SO DO YOU WANT TO TEAM UP? SURE. JUST DON'T DRAG ME DOWN, OK? YOU DON'T SEEM VERY SMART. WHAT COUNTRY HAS THE DRIEST INHABITED AREA IN THE WORLD? IS IT "A," SYRIA-- EGYPT! OK, LET ME READ ALL THE CHOICES BEFORE YOU ANSWER. EGYPT. THE ANSWER IS EGYPT. NICE! OH MY GOD. WHAT ALBUM HOLDS THE RECORD FOR MOST WEEKS ON THE "BILLBOARD" 200-- "DARK SIDE OF THE MOON." TERRY, THEY KEEP INTERRUPTING ME-- THEN SPEAK FASTER. 741 WEEKS, IN CASE YOU WERE CURIOUS. WELL, YOU SUCK AT EVERYTHING ELSE, SO IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOU KNOW SOMETHING. YEAH, WELL, I BETTER NOT SUCK AT THAT. IT'S KIND OF PART OF MY JOB. I WORK AT, UH, DIESEL RECORDS. IT'S A LABEL. OH, YEAH? YEAH. THE WORDS RECORDS KIND OF TIPPED ME OFF. WHAT--WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK? I WORK AT "THE NEW YORK SENTINEL" NEWSPAPER. OH, YEAH? IT'S A NEWSPAPER. HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS CAN YOU MAKE CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR? OHH! A DOLLAR IF RIPPED HAS NO VALUE. DISQUALIFIED. GREAT. 9 WEEKS IN A ROW. YOU GOT A LITTLE WING SAUCE. WHERE? UM, KIND OF IN THIS GENERAL AREA. THE ROLLING STONES TOOK THEIR NAME FROM WHAT BLUES-- MUDDY WATERS! MUDDY WATERS! FUCK YOU! (BLUES PLAYING) OOH, YEAH. OH, WOW. JESUS, SNOOP. SO YOU'RE A BIG FAN OF TOM CRUISE? WELL, IN MY DEFENSE, I'M A BIG "TOP GUN" FAN. YEAH. (LAUGHS) OH, REALLY? IN FACT... I LIKE, UH, I LIKE ALL HOMOEROTIC FIGHTER PILOT MOVIES. (LAUGHS) TOO MUCH? DID I LOSE YOU? NO. NO. IS "TOP GUN" LIKE YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE? IT'S UP THERE, YEAH. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? "TOP--" NOTHING. IT'S THE GREATEST. YEAH, IT'S AWESOME. IT'S--WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE? ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA BE REALLY SERIOUS RIGHT NOW FOR A MINUTE. OH, GREAT. HOLD ON. I REALLY WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT MY FAVOURITE MOVIE IS. OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SAY, LIKE, "TRIUMPH OF THE WILL." DON'T BE LIKE A CLOSET NAZI OR SOMETHING WEIRD. 'CAUSE THIS IS GOING GREAT. (LAUGHING) IT'S "SHAWSHANK." (IMITATING MORGAN FREEMAN) I HOPE I MAKE IT ACROSS THE BORDER. I HOPE TO SEE MY FRIEND AND SHAKE HIS HAND. I HOPE THE PACIFIC IS AS BLUE AS IT HAS BEEN IN MY DREAMS. (LAUGHS) I HOPE. ZIHUATANEJO. ZIHUATANEJO. THE BEST. ("TAKE MY BREATH AWAY" PLAYING) # WATCHING EVERY MOTION IN MY FOOLISH LOVER'S... # WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM? DAN. HOW IN THE FUCK IS "TOP GUN" MUSIC PLAYING? DAN! DAN: HEY, GARRETT! I AM SO SORRY. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, DAN IS ALSO MY ROOMMATE. YOU GUYS LIVE TOGETHER? UH, YEAH. HEY, DAN! DAN: HELLO IN THERE! UH...DAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DAN: WATCHIN' EVERY MOTION IN MY FOOLISH LOVER'S GAME? WHAT WAS OUR RULE? DAN: JUST 'CAUSE I CAN HEAR YOU THROUGH THE WALL DOESN'T MEAN I GET TO PARTICIPATE. RIGHT. AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING JUST NOW? DAN: PARTICIPATING. OK. LOOK, MAN, I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE IT'D BE FUN IF I DJ'D YOUR HOOKUP. SO, IS THIS, LIKE, WHAT YOU GUYS DO WHEN YOU BRING GIRLS OVER, HE DJS YOUR HOOKUP? NO. IS THAT WHAT THIS FUCKIN' FRAT HOUSE IS ALL ABOUT? NO, NO, LISTEN, I'M REALLY SORRY-- I'M GONNA GO. LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN. I CAN EXPLAIN. YEAH? EXPLAIN. YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T. I REALLY HAVE NO SAVE HERE. HE'S A FUCKIN' MORON. THAT'S OK, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS TOTALLY PRETENDING TO BE MAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK I WAS SLUTTY. I DON'T CARE AT ALL. OH. I THINK IT'S KIND OF AWESOME. REALLY? WELL, THAT'S WEIRD. IN FACT, DAN, TAKE ME TO BERLIN! DAN: HERE IT COMES! # TAKE MY BREATH AWAY # # TAKE MY BREATH AWAY # HEY. GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING. UM, IF YOU'RE TAKING OFF, CAN YOU AT LEAST LEAVE THE MONEY ON THE NIGHTSTAND? OH. I WASN'T, UM, TRYING TO SNEAK OUT. NAH. YOU WERE JUST PUTTING YOUR CLOTHES ON REALLY QUIETLY AND TIPTOEING ACROSS THE FLOOR. (SIGHS) YEAH. IT'S ALL RIGHT. I CAN STAY. I DIDN'T MEAN YOU HAD TO-- OK, GOOD, YEAH, THAT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD. UM, HEY, HEY, DO YOU WANT TO-- YOU WANT TO MAYBE GET SOME BREAKFAST? FOOD WOULD BE GOOD. OK. # NOW, I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE # # THOUGH I'M... # DAN! HELLO... # THIS I SWEAR... # (INDISTINCT CHATTER) AHH. I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT. I GOTTA SAY, THAT WAS-- IT'S A LOT OF FUN. ME, TOO. SO I SHOULD GET YOUR NUMBER. DO YOU HAVE A-- YOU KNOW, WE COULD MAYBE HANG OUT AGAIN? OK. ALL RIGHT. I HAVE A NAP--NO. I GOT IT. UM, THERE'S A CAVEAT, THOUGH. MM-HMM. I'D REALLY, UM... I'M LEAVING IN 6 WEEKS, AND WHEN I SAID THAT I WORK AT "THE SENTINEL," I MEANT THAT I'M A SUMMER INTERN. AND I'M ACTUALLY GOING BACK TO STANFORD TO FINISH UP MY LAST YEAR OF GRAD SCHOOL. AND ALTHOUGH I'D BE PSYCHED TO HANG OUT AGAIN, UM, PLEASE KNOW THAT I'M NOT LOOKING TO START UP-- OH, WAIT. UH, NO. ME, I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP. OH. REALLY? WHEN? YEAH. UM... I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU THAT IT WAS LAST NIGHT. I'M NOT GONNA SAY THAT IT WASN'T, EITHER. OK, THAT'S GOOD. YEP. WELL, THEN WE KNOW WHERE EACH OTHER STANDS. YEAH. UM, THE ADDED BONUS IS THAT I NOW KNOW YOU'RE A MALE WHORE. YEAH, I GUESS IT SEEMS LIKE I AM. HERE'S MY PHONE NUMBER. ALL RIGHT. IT'S AWESOME. BEST POSTURE IN THE OFFICE, ALLISON, SERIOUSLY. BEST ONE WE GOT. THERE HE IS. HOW YOU DOIN'? HOW YOU DOIN'? HEY, I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU, MAN. HOW DOES SOMEONE LIKE YOU END UP GETTING DUMPED AND LAID ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I MEAN, OF ALL OF US SAD, LONELY, AND BITTER PEOPLE, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO EAT A BIG BOWL OF DICK. REALLY? MM-HMM. HOW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOUT, "GOOD MORNING, GARRETT. HOW ARE YOU?" GOOD MORNING, GARRETT. HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S WITH THE LUGGAGE? UH, MY FLIGHT FROM MIAMI GOT IN AT 5 A.M. I HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT. WELL, YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW. YOU LOOK WELL-SLEPT. OH, THANK YOU. HOW'S--HOW'S, UH... MARK. MARK. IS GREAT. UH, SEEING HIM ONCE EVERY 6 WEEKS FOR 48 HOURS-- NOT SO GREAT. YEAH. GARRETT, CAN YOU COME HERE A SEC? YEAH. ANYWAY... ALL RIGHT, WELL, WAKE UP. BYE, BOYS. SHE'S STILL WITH THAT GUY? YEAH. YOU KIDDING ME? BUT HE LIVES IN MIAMI. YEAH. NO--YEAH--HOLD ON. HONEYBEAR. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION. I WANT TO PUT THINGS OF MINE INSIDE THINGS OF HERS. I KNOW. I KNOW. # I HEART YOU CRAZY MAD # (CONTINUES INDISTINCT) WHAT IS THIS? MM-HMM. # I HEART YOU CRAZY MAD... # I'M GENUINELY GETTING NAUSEOUS. ARE THEY SINGING, "I HEART YOU CRAZY MAD"? YEAH, THEY ARE. SADLY, THEY ARE. (TURNS OFF MUSIC) SHEESUS. 3Z? (LAUGHS) NOW COMES THE REALLY FUN PART, BECAUSE I GET TO LOOK AT YOUR FACE WHEN I SAY THAT I'M ASSIGNING THEM TO YOU. AH, THERE IT IS. HA HA HA. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW IT SUCKS. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW, OK? THE HIGHER-UPS WANT TO SIGN THESE GUYS. THEY COULD BE OUR JONAS BROTHERS. NO, WILL, COME ON, DON'T DO THIS TO ME. WHAT ABOUT ALL THE BANDS THAT I BRING YOU? WHAT ABOUT THE DEMOS THAT YOU NEVER LISTEN TO? GIVE ME A SHOT WITH THOSE. THAT'S NOT OUR FOCUS RIGHT NOW. WILL-- HEY. YOU KNOW WHO I HAD TO SCOUT WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE? NELSON AND JESUS JONES. ALL RIGHT? YOU KNOW ONE SONG OF THEIRS. I KNOW LIKE A HUNDRED. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO YOUR EMOTIONAL STABILITY? YOU COVERED JESUS JONES? YEAH. HOW OLD ARE YOU? I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT. SHUT UP. JUST GO DO THIS, ALL RIGHT? GO SHOW THE IDIOTS IN CHARGE THAT YOU WANT TO GET PROMOTED AND THEN YOU CAN MAKE THE CALL ON SOME BANDS YOU DO LIKE. I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT THEM WITHOUT LAUGH-- I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA DO THIS. YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT. (GRUNTS) CLOSE 'EM. CLOSE 'EM. (HORN HONKING) SO HAVE THEY OFFERED YOU A JOB YET? IT'S NICE TO TALK TO YOU, TOO, CORINNE. HAVE YOU EVEN ASKED THEM? LOOK, THE WHOLE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS IS FALLING APART. PEOPLE HERE ARE STRUGGLING TO KEEP THEIR OWN JOBS, SO I CAN'T EXACTLY GO AND ASK FOR ONE. MAYA, STATUE! OK, LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING, AND PLEASE KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU, IS THAT YOU ARE BEHIND IN YOUR LIFE, AND WE ALL KNOW WHY. YEAH, I'M CURRENTLY UP TO SPEED ON THE FACT THAT MY LIFE IS NOT CURRENTLY UP TO SPEED. # LA LA LA LA LA LA-- # MAYA, STATUE! (SIGHS) OOH, OLIVE GARDEN. (CRASH, CLATTER) JESUS CHRIST--PHIL! PHIL: THE PANTRY SHELF JUST COLLAPSED. CORINNE: ERIN... SHIT. I NEED YOU TO WATCH MAYA FOR ME, PLEASE. ERIN. ALL THE OTHER INTERNS ARE DOING RESEARCH, SO YOU'RE ON DESK DUTY. OK. HUGH. WAIT. LOOK, I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO TURN THIS INTERNSHIP INTO A JOB. AND IT'S FINE THAT MY LAST PIECE DIDN'T GET PICKED, AND THE ONES THAT DO USUALLY GET DROPPED FOR SPACE, BUT IT IS MY DREAM TO WORK HERE, AND I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION. GOOD. THEN DO THAT. OK. UM, WELL, IS THERE A PIECE YOU COULD ASSIGN ME OR A-- A PIECE. UH, THE ONLY THING I HAVE IS A HUMAN INTEREST STORY ON GRANT A DREAM. IT'S A CHARITABLE ORGANISATION THAT-- YES, GRANT A DREAM. I KNOW IT. IT GRANTS WISHES TO TERMINALLY ILL CHILDREN. I LOVE TERMINALLY ILL CHILDREN. DON'T GET TOO EXCITED. FOUR OTHER PEOPLE PASSED ON THIS, SO... I'M ON IT. OK, GOOD. WRITE IT UP, PUT IT ON MY DESK. THANK YOU. CORINNE--EEW... THANKS A LOT, ERIN. WHERE DID YOU GET THESE OREO COOKIES? SPIT IT OUT. SPIT. MORE. MORE. MORE. ALL OF IT. ALL OF IT. MAYA, ALL OF IT. ALL OF IT. THERE'S THAT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. (CELL PHONE RINGS) HELLO? HELLO. I SEE YOU HAVEN'T ENTERED ME INTO YOUR PHONE YET. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT'S THAT? I FORGOT YOUR NAME. OHH. THAT'S TOO BAD FOR ME. UM, WELL, I, GARRETT, WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOU TO DINNER. UM, YEAH. I COULD EAT. YEAH? GREAT. ALL RIGHT. TEXT ME THE ADDRESS. OK. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD? EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT, MY FAMILY, WE'D GO OUT TO THIS PLACE, LUIGI'S, IN MY HOMETOWN. I'D GET TORTELLINI. AND I THINK I LOVE IT JUST BECAUSE OF THAT. IT REMINDS ME OF FRIDAY NIGHTS GROWING UP. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE? EATING TOO MUCH TORTELLINI. (LAUGHS) OR WATERBOARDING. I'D LOVE TO BE WATERBOARDED TO DEATH. GIVE ME LIKE 3 ALBUMS THAT YOU REALLY LOVE THAT MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU. "LICENSED TO ILL," BEASTIE BOYS. OH, THE BEST. "LICENSED TO ILL," THAT WAS ONE BECAUSE IT WAS DANGEROUS. THERE WAS, LIKE-- I HAD NO DANGER IN MY LIFE. I FELT LIKE MY IDEA OF DANGER WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, GETTING CHOCOLATE MILK FROM THE LUNCH LADY. OK, WHAT'S THE MEANEST LIE YOU EVER TOLD SOMEONE TO GET THEM OUT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. I HAD TO MEET MY WIFE FOR BREAKFAST. (LAUGHING) # SHOW ME, SHOW ME, SHOW ME # # HOW YOU DO THAT TRICK # # THE ONE THAT MAKES ME SCREAM, SHE SAID # # THE ONE THAT MAKES ME LAUGH, SHE SAID # # AND THREW HER ARMS AROUND MY HEAD # # SHOW ME HOW TO DO IT # # I PROMISE YOU # # I PROMISE THAT I'LL RUN AWAY WITH YOU # # I'LL RUN AWAY WITH YOU # # SPINNING ON THAT DIZZY EDGE # # I KISSED HER FACE, I KISSED HER NECK # # AND DREAMED OF ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS # # I HAD TO MAKE HER GLOW # WELL, I MEAN, IS THAT GONNA GO ON ALL DAY? I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY. WE'RE STARING DIRECTLY AT YOU. WE'RE ROWING LIKE A BUNCH OF VIKING SLAVES. GARRETT: COME ON, WE'RE HAVING FUN. BUT WE'RE STARING DIRECTLY AT YOU. # YOU, SOFT AND ONLY # # YOU, LOST AND LONELY # # DANCING IN THE DEEPEST OCEANS # # TWISTING IN THE WATER # # YOU'RE JUST LIKE A DREAM # DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS? WHY? YOU WANT TO TAKE THOSE KIDS? NO, I MEAN, JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW, LATER ON IN LIFE, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS? YEAH, OF COURSE. DO YOU? I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S WHY I LIKE COMING DOWN HERE AND LOOKING AT THE OLD COUPLES, YOU KNOW. SOME OF THEM SEEM GENUINELY, NOT ONLY HAPPY, BUT SOMETIMES, I THINK, CONTENT. AND I THINK SOMETIMES THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN, LIKE, HAPPINESS, LIKE THE GUY WE SAW IN THE PLAID SHIRT WALKING DOWN THE-- YOU KNOW, THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE CONTENT IN LIFE IS IF YOU MARRY YOUR BEST FRIEND AND MAKE EACH OTHER LAUGH-- SO I SHOULD MARRY DAN? OR BOX? THEY GOTTA DUKE IT OUT. I'M HAVING FUN. ME, TOO. I'M ONLY HERE FOR A COUPLE MORE WEEKS. A DRAG. BUT MAYBE YOU'LL COME BACK ONE DAY. AHEM. UM, EXCUSE ME. HUGH, HI. OH, HEY. UM, I JUST WANTED TO, UM, SAY GOODBYE, BECAUSE THIS IS MY LAST DAY, AND-- WELL, GOODBYE. I WAS CURIOUS, UM, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY GRANT A DREAM PIECE? UH...OH, IT WAS GOOD. WE'RE GONNA RUN IT. YOU ARE? YEAH. REALLY? WELL, THAT'S GREAT. YEAH. YEAH, TUESDAY. CONGRATULATIONS. NICE PIECE OF WRITING. THANK YOU. YEAH, GOOD WORK. I WANT YOU TO KNOW WHAT AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE I HAD HERE THIS SUMMER. GOOD. OK. DO YOU THINK THAT THERE'S ANY POSSIBLE CHANCE IN THE FUTURE THAT IT COULD LEAD TO A JOB? WELL, UH, LOOK, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A GOOD WRITER, AND, UH, ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE, SO WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME AFTER THE NEW YEAR, OK? THEN WE'LL SEE WHERE THINGS ARE AT. I WILL CALL YOU IN JANUARY. OK, GOOD. PERFECT. LIKE THE FIRST. ALL RIGHT. GREAT. AT, LIKE, 5 A.M. GREAT. THAT'S GOOD, ERIN. THANK YOU. JUST REMEMBER THE TIME DIFFERENCE. TAKE CARE. OK. BYE, HUGH. THANK YOU. (CELL PHONE RINGS) HEY, YOU. GOOD AFTERNOON. IS ERIN THERE, PLEASE? THIS IS ERIN. IS IT? WELL, THIS IS GARRETT AUSTIN SCULLY TELEPHONING. I MET YOU IN THE BAR BY THE CENTIPEDE MACHINE. YEAH, I REMEMBER. NICE HAIR, DECENT FACE. AH. THAT'S THE ONE. LISTEN, I KNOW THIS IS YOUR LAST NIGHT IN NEW YORK, SO I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR A NICE FAREWELL DINNER? I WOULD LOVE TO. I DON'T WANT TO IMPRESS YOU ALL AT ONCE, BUT, UM, THESE ARE ACTUAL CLOTH NAPKINS. THAT'S GENUINE CLOTH. THAT'S POLYESTER. YEAH. NOT TO PUT ON AIRS OR ANYTHING. AND ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT GARLIC BALLS. (LAUGHS) WOW. YOU HAVE REALLY OUTDONE YOURSELF, MR. SCULLY. I WILL TAKE THAT NOT SARCASTICALLY. GOOD EVENING. UM, CAN I GET YOUR DRINK ORDER TO START WITH? SHALL WE GET SOME WINE? YEAH. DO YOU HAVE A LIST? UH, WE DON'T. WE JUST HAVE THE ONE, THE JUG OF WINE. IT'S A--IT'S A SUNSHINE HARBOUR IT'S, UH--IT'S, UH, THE HOUSE WINE. HOW IS IT? HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT? UM, IT'S OK. YOU KNOW. THERE YOU GO. WELL DONE. THANK YOU. I THINK THE LADY AND I WILL PARTAKE OF THE SUNSHINE HARBOUR PER YOUR GLOWING RECOMMENDATION. UH, WHAT YEAR IS THIS? UH...THIS. NOTHING--NOTHING WORSE THAN AN OLD WINE. THAT'S HOW I FEEL. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO GET YOUR ORDER. UM--AHEM... I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR CALLING ME A LADY. WELL, BECAUSE YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, INTELLIGENT WOMAN. WHO I'VE HAD AN AMAZING TIME WITH. YEAH, I'M BUMMED IT'S OUR LAST NIGHT. ME, TOO. AND I'VE--I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER ENJOYED GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE MORE. IT'S BEEN SUCH A GOOD 6 WEEKS. IT WENT BY SO FAST. I CAN'T REALLY ARTICULATE. 6 WEEKS--TOO FAST. ME LIKE YOU. WINE. (LAUGHING) OH MY GOD. THAT'S DISGUSTING. YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T KEEP IT IN, BECAUSE I'M IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING AN ULCER. (LAUGHING) WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT. YEAH. I GUESS THIS IS IT. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. OK. OK, BYE. I'LL S-- UH--OH, LET ME-- I GOT IT. I GOT IT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, YOU CAN'T LEAVE YOUR CAR THERE. NO, I--I JUST-- YOU CAN'T LEAVE YOUR CAR AT THE CURB. I NEED TO TALK TO THIS GIRL REALLY QUICKLY, PLEASE. SHIT. YOU CHASIN' A GIRL? YEAH. FOR REAL? YEAH. SHE GOT A NICE ASS? LIKE THE WIND. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I HAVE NO IDEA. PLEASE. 2 SECONDS. GO ON, THEN. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU. LANGFORD! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OK, THAT SUCKED. I KNOW. GOD. IT WAS TERRIBLE. THAT WAS TERRIBLE. I CAN'T END IT LIKE THIS. NEITHER CAN I. AND THEN THAT CAR RIDE, THAT WAS A DISASTER. OH, IT WAS AWFUL! SO AWKWARD! IT WAS THE WORST. SO...AWKWARD. IT WAS THE WORST. IT'S THE WORST. SORRY, WE'RE JUST-- THANK YOU. I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO KEEP DOING THIS OR WHAT YOU WANTED OR HOW YOU FELT. I JUST--I FREAKED OUT, OK? I'VE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME WITH YOU, AND A PART OF ME DOESN'T WANT THAT TO END, BUT I HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE WITH A GUY. I DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE, AND I FOLLOWED HIM ACROSS THE COUNTRY, AND I DROPPED EVERYTHING FOR HIM. AND THAT'S WHY MY TIMELINE IS ALL OFF, YOU KNOW? AND NOW I FINALLY GOT EVERYTHING BACK ON TRACK, YOU KNOW, WITH MY LIFE AND SCHOOL, AND THEN YOU HAD TO COME ALONG AND... FUCK THAT ALL UP! OW. I'M SORRY. I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO DROP OUT OF SCHOOL OR EVEN MOVE HERE. I'M JUST... I'M JUST ASKING TO SEE YOU, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU. FUCK THE MILES. FUCK 'EM. I'LL BE HERE AND YOU'LL BE THERE AND WE'LL JUST-- WE'LL BE LONG-DISTANCE, 'CAUSE QUITE FRANKLY, I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU. I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU, TOO. I'M SO GLAD YOU PICKED ME UP. OF COURSE. OH, MAYA-- MAYA MADE YOU SOMETHING... THE PRETENDERS: # DON'T GET ME WRONG # SHE'S HERE! HI, EVERYBODY! # IF I'M LOOKING KIND OF DAZZLED # HI! HI, MY BEAUTIFUL NIECE. # I SEE NEON LIGHTS... # HI! THE SUSPECT MR. JONES WAS HEAVILY INTOXICATED WHEN HE FIRED THE .44 MAGNUM. WE NEED TO KNOW WHERE THIS INFORMATION IS COMING FROM. IS THIS YOUR OWN THEORY? # DON'T GET ME WRONG... # AW, COME ON, MAN. COME ON, DUDE. ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHAT? HOLD ON. (DEEP VOICE) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) NOTHING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (DEEP VOICE) NOTHING. THIS FUNNY THING HAPPENED AT WORK. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) THIS FUNNY THING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL. # DON'T GET ME WRONG... # (SNEEZES LOUDLY) (BOTH LAUGHING) HE SNEEZED AND SCARED MOMMY PANDA. OH MY GOD. BABY PANDA HAS A COLD. # I'M THINKING ABOUT THE FIREWORKS... # (SNEEZES LOUDLY) I HAD A THING WHEN I WAS A KID. I WAS OBSESSED WITH, LIKE, I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL TO NOT HAVE LIPS. LIKE, MICHAEL J. FOX AND JASON BATEMAN, THOSE GUYS-- LIKE, I IDOLISED THEM BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE LIPS, AND I HAD, LIKE, BIG, WEIRD LIPS. # ONCE IN A WHILE # # 2 PEOPLE MEET # # SEEMINGLY FOR NO REASON # # THEY JUST PASS ON THE STREET # # SUDDENLY THUNDER # # SHOWERS EVERYWHERE # # WHO CAN EXPLAIN THE THUNDER AND RAIN? # OH. (CHUCKLES) # BUT THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE AIR # LOOK AT THAT. YOU'RE UP. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU DIDN'T--COME ON. COME--WHAT THE FUCK? OH! FORE! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? YEAH, THAT WAS A JOKE. GARRETT: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE. I GOTTA PROGRAMME ALL MY NUMBERS INTO THIS GODDAMN THING. HA HA. COME ON, MAN. MY ACTIONS WERE JUSTIFIED. AND IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD HIT. IT WAS--IT WAS FUNNY. I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. BUT JUSTIFIED? REALLY? DESTROYING MY PHONE? COME ON. HEH. NO, MAYBE NOT. NO, PROBABLY NOT. NOT AT ALL. NO. BUT I MEAN, IT'S LIKE IT'S LIKE HER VAGINA HAS YOU POSSESSED. I LIKE HIM A LOT. OK, I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT ARE YOU DATING? ARE YOU IN AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP? I MEAN, WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW? DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW? I MEAN, HE COULD BE OUT THERE DRY-HUMPING HALF OF NEW YORK CITY RIGHT NOW. DRY-HUMPING? OH, THAT'S SCANDALOUS. THAT WORRIES ME. PHIL AND I DRY-HUMP. OK? AND IT IS INTENSE. AND IT'S VERY EROTIC. AND IT'S THE ONLY WAY THAT I CAN ACTUALLY GET OFF. DRY-HUMPING IS NO FUCKING JOKE. SO, I THINK THAT YOU NEED TO BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT THIS RELATIONSHIP IS. NOW, WHAT IS THE STORY, THOUGH, WITH YOU GUYS? ARE YOU DOING IT, LIKE, MONOGAMOUS, OR WHAT'S THE DEAL? YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. UH, MAYBE. YEAH. MAYBE? WOW. OK. YOU KNOW WHAT "MAYBE" GETS YOU? IT GETS HER SUCKING EVERY DUDE'S DICK OUT THERE AT STANFORD. IT REALLY DOES. AND THEN YOU GO OUT THERE, AND YOU VISIT HER, AND THEN YOU HAVE TO KISS THAT BLOW-JOB FACTORY SHE CALLS A MOUTH. THANK YOU FOR THAT VISUAL. THANKS, PAL. THAT WAS, LIKE, WAY GRAPHIC. THAT WAS, LIKE, EXTREMELY GRAPHIC. HE'S THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY FROM HERE. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING RIGHT NOW. HE COULD BE AT SOME BAR DOING SHOTS WITH SOME SEXY BARTENDER, DRY-HUMPING HER. WE HAVEN'T SET THE BOUNDARIES YET. OK? WE'RE NOT TRYING TO CHOKE EACH OTHER WITH COMMITMENT. BUT NOW YOU'RE FUCKING FREAKING ME OUT, AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT PICTURE HIM HUMPING SOME FUCKING BARTENDER. THANK YOU. I'M YOUR SISTER, HONEY. THIS IS WHAT I'M HERE TO DO-- TERRIFY YOU. NOW I SEE PHIL DRY-HUMPING YOU. OH, NO. YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE. IT'S NOT VERY-- LIKE, BETWEEN THE SNORTING AND THE SLOBBERING, HE'S LIKE A FUCKING SHAR-PEI. OR WHAT ARE THOSE DOGS WITH THE--(IMITATES SNORTING) BULLDOGS? YEAH. LIKE A FUCKING BULLDOG. DOES HE LOOK UP AT YOU WHEN HE GOES DOWN ON YOU? DOES--WANTING APPROVAL? YES. (CHUCKLES) AM I DOING IT OK? AM I DOING IT OK? I FUCKING HATE THAT. SHUT UP AND LICK. I DON'T KNOW, ACTUALLY. THAT'S-- OK, LOOK, LOOK. CAN YOU SEE OTHER PEOPLE? ALL RIGHT? CAN YOU HOOK UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE? CAN YOU MASTURBATE? "MASTURBATE"? CAN YOU MASTURBATE YOURSELF OFF AT ALL? WHY WOULD I NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT? SOME GIRLS FROWN UPON THAT, MAN. SOME GIRLS DON'T LIKE YOU TO MASTURBATE YOUR DICK AT ALL. SHE'S NOT LIKE A PURITAN. SHE-- WELL, I'M JUST SAYING, LIKE, SOME-- SOME WOMEN DON'T LIKE PEOPLE MASTURBATING. 'CAUSE I CAN HEAR YOU THROUGH THE WALLS, AS YOU KNOW. AND YOU KINDA CRACK OFF A LOT, DUDE. "CRACK IT OFF"? "CRACK IT OFF"? WHO SAYS "CRACK OFF"? I THINK YOU'RE GETTIN' IT WRONG. WHY? WHAT DO YOU SAY? YOU MAY BE THINKING OF "SNAP ONE OFF"? "SNAP OFF"? "SNAP IT OFF"?! OR "POP"? LIKE, "POP ONE OFF"? LOOK, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO SNAP AND POP WHEN I'M MASTURBATING. SHH. IF IT CRACKS A LITTLE BIT, FINE. "FINE"? WELL, THE POINT IS, BRO, YOU'RE GONNA CHAFE YOURSELF CRACKIN' OFF AS MUCH AS YOU DO. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, SO, WE-- DO YOU NEED HELP ACROSS THE STREET? O-OK. DON'T PULL, THOUGH. HE GOES CRAZY. HE'S FURIOUS WITH HIS PENIS OR SOMETHING. YEAH. ANGRY. AND-- YEAH, ANGRY MASTURBATION, WHICH IS DANGEROUS. YOU CAN REALLY INJURE YOURSELF. YEAH. SO, HE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW THAT. YEAH. YEAH. I--I HAVE TO TELL MY GRANDSON THAT. TELL YOUR GRANDSON. TELL YOUR GRANDSON'S FRIENDS, YOU KNOW? WELL, NO, JUST HIM. YOU'RE RIGHT. JUST HIM. UH, IT MIGHT GET AWKWARD TELLING ALL HIS FRIENDS. ERIN: I GUESS YOU HAVE TO DEFINE IT AT SOME POINT. GARRETT: SO... I GUESS WE'RE SAYING... WE'RE EXCLUSIVE? YEAH. GREAT. HEH. I'M HAPPY. ME, TOO. SECRETLY, THIS IS, UH, WHAT I WAS AIMING FOR. WELL, NOT SO SECRETLY, ME, TOO. KEEP IT LIGHT. LIGHT-- DISEASE-FREE AND LIGHT. HEH HEH HEH. BYE. GOOD-BYE. CAN I PLEASE GET THE GARBAGE OMELET? DOUBLE MEAT? UH, HOME FRIES, AND HOW ABOUT EVERYTHING BAGEL? WITH BUTTER, CREAM CHEESE, JELLY, ALL THAT SHIT. AND THEN, UM... YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL TAKE A CHOCOLATE SHAKE. YOU KNOW WHAT? AND I WILL MAKE IT VERY EASY FOR YOU. I'LL HAVE THAT SAME EXACT THING. OK. I'LL JUST HAVE THE TURKEY BURGER. OK. IS THERE A WAY TO... JUST WRAP IT IN LETTUCE, LIKE, USE LETTUCE AS THE BUN? UM, WE CAN DO NO BUN. NO BUN. DOES THAT WORK? FRIES OR SALAD? YEAH. UH, I'LL GET THE SALAD WITH DRESSING ON THE SIDE. YUP. COMIN' UP. THANK YOU. (INHALES) WOW. WHAT? YOU'RE EATIN' LIKE A BIRD THERE, HUH? NO. HE'S VISITING ERIN FOR THANKSGIVING AND WORRYING ABOUT HIS WEIGHT. ALL RIGHT. JESUS. I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN A WHILE. OK? SO... OK. I GET THAT. I UNDERSTAND THAT. THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. JUST WANNA TIGHTEN UP. I GET YA. I GET YA. IF YOU'RE SO WORRIED ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE, ARE YOU GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR--YOUR VEINY WHITE SKIN? MMM. 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW, YOU LOOK LIKE AN ACTOR IN A KABUKI TROUPE. YOU'RE REALLY ONE TO TALK ABOUT APPEARANCES. HOW SO? NO OFFENSE, BUT WITH THE MUSTACHE-- WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE IT? IT'S DISGUSTING. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS. THIS IS NOT FOR YOU. (CHUCKLING) WHO'S IT FOR? THE '83 YANKEES BULLPEN? (ALL CHUCKLE) VERY FUNNY. NO, I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO SCRATCH A VERY SPECIFIC DEMOGRAPHIC OFF OF MY FUCK-IT LIST. WHAT'S A FUCK-IT LIST? HE'S GOT THIS LIST. IT'S LIKE A BUCKET LIST, BUT IT'S ALL THE WOMEN HE'S TRYING TO BANG BEFORE HE DIES. SO, WHAT KIND OF WOMEN ARE YOU HOPING TO ATTRACT WITH YOUR MUSTACHE? OLDER WOMEN BETWEEN 45 AND 60. SO, COUGARS. NO, NOT COUGARS. THIS IS WHERE IT'S WEIRD. NO. NOT COUGARS. OK, SEE, COUGARS, TO ME, ARE SAD, DESPERATE OLDER WOMEN THAT WANT TO BE YOUNG NOW. OK? BUT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR ARE OLDER ATTRACTIVE WOMEN THAT WANT TO BE YOUNG AGAIN. ALL RIGHT? SEE, WHEN WOMEN SEE ME WITH A MOUSTACHE OF THAT TYPE, THEY'RE TRANSPORTED BACK TO A TIME WHEN THE MOUSTACHE WAS KING-- THE SEVENTIES, THE EARLY EIGHTIES. RIGHT. ALL RIGHT? THE ERA OF THEIR SEXUAL AWAKENING. SO THEN, WHEN I'M ON TOP OF THEM, AND THEY LOOK UP AT ME, THEY SEE THIS PERSON, THEY'RE TRANSPORTED BACK TO THAT TIME. ALL RIGHT? SEE, THIS ISN'T A MOUSTACHE. IT'S A TIME MACHINE. IT'S A TIME MACHINE TO THE BACK OF BURT REYNOLDS' CAMARO. RIGHT. I--YOU KNOW WHAT? BOTTOM LINE IS, DUDE, DON'T GET A MOUSTACHE. GET A TAN. I DON'T THINK SHE'S THAT KIND OF GIRL. I JUST DON'T THINK SHE'S THAT SUPERFICIAL. REALLY? OK, SO SHE WON'T BANG FAT DUDES, BUT SHE WILL SLEEP WITH A GUY WHO HAS SKIN THAT LOOKS LIKE HIS FACE IS COVERED IN JIZ? BRO, IF SHE'S GONNA DUMP YOU FOR EATING TOO MANY CARBS, SHE'S DEFINITELY GONNA DUMP YOU FOR NOT HAVING A TAN. THAT'S TRUE. ALL RIGHT, I GET THE POINT. (SOFT MUSIC MUSIC PLAYING) ONCE YOU'RE IN THE MACHINE, IT'S PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY. YOU'RE GONNA WANNA PUT THIS ON YOUR HANDS, ESPECIALLY UNDER YOUR NAILS, UNLESS YOU, LIKE--(CHUCKLES) WANT YOUR HANDS STAINED. RIGHT THIS WAY. OK. ENJOY THE FAUX DE SOLEIL. JUST A QUICK QUESTION. UH-- OH. MAN'S VOICE: HELLO. TANNING WILL BEGIN IN 5, 4, UH-- 3, 2, SHOULD I BE WEARING MY UNDERWEAR? 1. EXCUSE ME-- OH, GOD. OH, GOD DAMN IT. OH, THAT STINGS. FUCK. FUCK. MY EYES STING. WHAT IS THIS? EXCUSE ME! SHOULD I BE WEARING GOGGLES?! IT STINGS! IS THIS BAD?! IS IT--(GAGS) TASTES GROSS! (SPITTING) TASTES LIKE POISON! SHOULD I--IS IT BAD IF I EAT IT?! ERIN, YOU JUST GOT SAT ANOTHER TABLE. NO WAY. I CLOSED OUT MY SECTION. YOU KNOW IT, DUDE. WELL, YOU WERE REQUESTED. SORRY, MAMA. (SIGHS) GOD DAMN IT. (GASPS) I'M NOT GONNA ORDER ANYTHING. I WANT YOU TO KNOW. BUT, UM, I GOT A TIP FOR YOU. IS IT A TIP OF YOUR PENIS? NO. GROSS. YES, IT IS. (SQUEALS) (CHUCKLING) OH MY GOD. 20% OF MY DICK. HA HA HA! (MOANING) OH! OH. YES. COME ON. WHERE'S THE BEDROOM? TOO FAR. (BOTH PANTING AND MOANING) OH! OH! PHIL! THEY CAME IN SO FAST, I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO. HI. I'M PHIL. HEY. I'M GARRETT. NICE TO MEET YOU. GOOD TO MEET YOU. WHY ARE YOU INTRODUCING YOURSELF? I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE. GET UP. FUCKIN' GET UP! IS SHE STILL HERE? DUDE, YOU GOT A HANDPRINT ON YOUR ASS. I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER. PHIL, DON'T ENGAGE. I'M EATING A DINNER TABLE. THEY'RE THE ONES FUCKING. PHIL! GET FUCKIN' FUCK UPSTAIRS. YOU GUYS ARE ALL SET UP, SO I'M JUST... UM... MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. UGH. OHH. GARRETT: MMM. CORINNE, THESE MASHED POTATOES ARE AMAZING. THANK YOU. I SPENT ALL DAY CLEANING THE TABLE. SORRY? MAKING THEM. I SPENT-- IT'S AN OLD RECIPE FROM THE FAMILY. AHEM. WELL...VERY GOOD. UM... GARRETT. YES, KAREN. NOW, ARE YOU A SINGER OR A MUSICIAN? NO, NEITHER ONE. EXCUSE ME. I'M JUST A BEHIND-THE-SCENES GUY. ERIN: HE ACTUALLY GOES OUT AND SCOUTS BANDS, AND THEN HE SIGNS THEM TO HIS LABEL. AND, UM, HE TAKES US TO, LIKE, THESE AMAZING PLACES, THESE SEEDY HOLE-IN-THE-WALLS THAT YOU'D NEVER KNOW EXISTED. THAT SOUNDS REALLY COOL. GARRETT: IT'S NOT THAT COOL. SHE'S BUILDING IT UP. IT IS COOL. SHE'S BEING SWEET. BELIEVE ME, IT'S A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN WHAT RON DOES. OH. HE MAKES BOXES FOR A LIVING. CARDBOARD CONTAINERS, KAREN. PLEASE. THEY'RE CARDBOARD CONTAINERS. I'M A SUPERVISOR. PRETTY MUCH BOXES. PRETTY MUCH BOXES. THEY'RE CARDBOARD CONTAINERS. OH. I--I OFTEN USE BOXES. (EXHALES) THE THING ABOUT MY JOB IS THAT IT'S IN A STATE OF FLUX. IN FACT, BOTH OF OUR FIELDS ARE KIND OF-- WE'RE IN VERY SIMILAR POSITIONS. YEAH. BUT WE DO IT BECAUSE WE LOVE IT. WE DO IT BECAUSE WE LOVE IT. SO, ERIN, DID YOU KNOW HE WAS COMING IN? NO. HE COMPLETELY SURPRISED ME. SURPRISED ME, TOO. (COUGHING) NO ONE KNEW. ERIN: AND IT WAS QUITE A SURPRISE. BUT HE, UH, HE SURPRISED ME AT WORK WITH FLOWERS. (GASPS) OHH. YEAH. JESUS CHRIST. IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL. I DIDN'T, LIKE, RAPPEL IN FROM SOME HELICOPTER. I JUST SHOWED UP. HOW COME YOU NEVER DO THAT? 'CAUSE WE--WE LIVE TOGETHER, KAREN. I KNOW. BUT IT'S NICE TO SHOW A GESTURE OF APPRECIATION. HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN TOGETHER? IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME NOW. LONG TIME. IT'S LIKE OF LIKE... WHEN YOU GET REALLY DRUNK AND YOU JUST KIND OF BLACK OUT, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME'S GONE BY. SORT OF A SIMILAR FEELING. (THUD) OH. ERIN, UH, KAREN, WOULD YOU COME HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN WITH DESSERT? ABSOLUTELY. CORINNE'S GONNA GO ASSASSINATE YOUR CHARACTER. I GOTTA PLAY DEFENSE. OH. OK. HURRY UP. YEAH. UM...SO-- SO, RON, YOU MAKE-- DO YOU MAKE ALL DIFFERENT SIZES OF BOXES, OR DO YOU SPECIALISE-- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE TROUBLE THAT YOU'RE CAUSING US THERE, CHIEF? RON, WHAT--PLEASE, TELL ME WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S BOTHERING ME THERE, BUCKO. YOU JUST CAUSED A PRIME TIME PROBLEM BETWEEN ME AND MY WIFE. NOW I GOTTA GO HOME AND LISTEN TO HER COMPLAIN THAT I DON'T DO ENOUGH FOR HER. (CHUCKLES) YOU THINK SOME EFFING SAPPY SHIT MAKES YOU A REAL BOYFRIEND? I'M SORRY. I STOPPED LISTENING AFTER "BUCKO." LISTEN UP. WE'RE IN THE EFFIN' TRENCHES HERE, WHERE THE REAL HELL HAPPENS. ALL RIGHT? AND WE'RE HERE EVERY DAY. I-- IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT FLOWERS AND PRESENTS AND SHOWING UP FOR THE WEEKEND. YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN HERE WITH YOUR FAKE TAN-- YEAH. AND YOUR GIRL SHIRT? WHAT? YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE? WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED? WHEN YOU'RE IN A SERIOUS LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP? YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO WORK OUT AND KEEP THAT REALLY NICE ASS OF YOURS? NO. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO KEEP IT. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (CROWD CHEERING) # I DON'T WANNA SAY # # IF IT GOES AWAY... # HEY! HEY! HOW ARE YOU? I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU? HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER MY FRIEND HARPER FROM WORK? YEAH. YEAH, WE'VE MET. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. # YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE # (SONG ENDS) (CROWD CHEERING) (NEW SONG BEGINS) # WHAT THE REST DID # # I WAS AVERAGE # # BUT I DON'T MIND # # DRAWN ON 2 SIDES # # WITHOUT DISGUISE # # BUT I DON'T MIND # # BUT I # # I SPIT FIRE... # HEY. HEY. I LOVE THEM. YEAH? THEY'RE SO GOOD. # YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME... # THEY SPENT 3 YEARS AND ALL THEIR OWN MONEY GETTING THIS PRODUCED. REALLY? THESE ARE THE BANDS THAT SHOULD GET NOTICED, YOU KNOW? I HATE THAT. I HATE THAT A BAND LIKE THIS WOULD GET PASSED OVER BECAUSE OF MONEY. IT'S JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW, TAKE A CHANCE ON SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT, 'CAUSE THEY'RE GENUINELY TALENTED. SORRY. I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I KNOW AT MY LABEL, THEY WOULD NEVER GO FOR SOMEBODY LIKE THIS. YOU KNOW? IT WOULD JUST BE LIKE A WASTE OF TIME FOR ME TO BRING IT UP. WELL, IF YOU ACT ALL MELODRAMATIC LIKE THAT, YEAH, IT WOULD BE. BUT IF YOU SHOWED YOUR BALLS AND YOU WENT IN THERE AND GOT IN THEIR FACE AND SAID, "LISTEN TO THIS," THE WORST THEY COULD DO IS SAY NO. OR GET MAD AT YOU 'CAUSE YOU SHOWED YOUR BALLS. THERE YOU ARE! WOMEN: DAMON! HI. MWAH. HOW ARE YOU? I'M WELL. HOW ARE YOU? I'M GREAT. YEAH? WHAT'S GOIN' ON? HEY. GARRETT. I'M DAMON. OH, NICE TO MEET YOU. NICE TO MEET YOU. WE ALL WORK TOGETHER. OH, WOW. HE IS THE BARTENDER. CHEERS. CHEERS. HARPER: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, DAMON? I WAS JUST HELPING MY MUM MOVE. WOMEN: AW. WELL, NO, SHE'S JUST GETTIN' OLD. YOU KNOW? AND I-- I JUST WANT HER TO LIVE CLOSER TO ME, YOU KNOW? OH. OH. GUSH. IT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE I ACTUALLY WANT MY MOTHER TO MOVE FURTHER AWAY FROM ME. (CHUCKLES) UH, DAMON IS CLOSE WITH HIS MOM. GOOD. GOOD. WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S MY MUM. YOU KNOW? SO CUTE. "MY MUM." MY MUM. MOTHERS ARE IMPORTANT. YEAH. THEY ARE. YEAH. YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE IF IT WEREN'T FOR HER VAGINA. # EASY, EASY... # (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER) OOH. SHH! SHH! WHAT? (WHISPERING) SORRY. MAYA. OK. HELLS, YEAH. ICING AND VODKA. MMM. THAT'S A GREAT CHASER. TASTE IT. MMM. SO... DAMON SEEMS LIKE A-- A GOOD GUY. OH MY GOD. HE'S AMAZING. LIKE MY ROCK. YOUR ROCK? YEAH. I WOULDN'T GET THROUGH WORK WITHOUT HIM. WOW. HE'S HANDSOME, AND HE LOVES HIS MOTHER, AND... ARE YOU JEALOUS? OH, COME ON. COME ON. NO. MM-MMM. YES, YOU ARE. I'M JUST A LITTLE CURIOUS IF YOU GUYS HAVE EVER... YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW. SORRY. I-- (LAUGHING) NO. NO. NOT AT ALL. OH MY GOD. YOU ALWAYS GOTTA CLOSE YOUR EYES-- (SPITS AND LAUGHS) (BIRDS CHIRPING) HEY, CORINNE. HEY. I'M, UH, TAKING OFF. UM, CAN I HELP YOU OUT HERE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. IT WAS-- NO. NO! OH, GOD. SORRY. SORRY. NO. NO, THANK YOU. I'M GOOD. OK. I'M GOOD. I'M SO SORRY. OUR INTRODUCTION WAS NOT HOW I IMAGINED IT WOULD BE, OBVIOUSLY. BUT, UM...(CHUCKLES) THAT WAS MY HAND. THE HANDPRINT ON MY, UH... OH. BUTTOCKS. AND MY... GENI--GENITALIA. YOU HAVE A HANDPRINT ON YOUR CROTCH, TOO? YOU READY? YES. GREAT. OK. SEE YOU LATER, CORINNE. BYE. I'LL BE BACK SOON. OK, BYE. OK, BYE. YEAH. HAVE A SAFE-- WHAT? HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT, GARRETT. THANK YOU. YOU, TOO. OR NOT--YOU'RE NOT FLYING. OK. (DOOR CLOSES) OH, YES. MIDDLE SEAT. AWESOME. AND A LAYOVER. BE FUN. THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS TRIP. THANK YOU. IT WAS THE BEST. I HAD FUN. I HAD FUN, TOO, DESPITE EVERYTHING. PLEASE, PLEASE APOLOGISE TO HER AGAIN FOR ME. I WILL. OK. OK. GOD, SHE HATES ME. SHE DOES. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, TOO. I MISS YOU ALREADY. (TYRES SCREECH) CRUELLA DE VIL WAS NOT BASED ON AN ACTUAL PERSON. I'M PRETTY SURE SHE WAS-- A GERMAN LEADER. I THINK YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THAT. HEY, DAN. WELCOME HOME, BUDDY BOY! OH, DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? WHAT? WE GOT AN OPEN-DOOR POLICY. IT'S COOL. WHY? WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT? WELL, WE DON'T. HE DOES. I JUST KIND OF ACCEPT IT. HOW WAS THE TRIP, BRO? IT WAS AWESOME. DO WE HAVE BEERS? YEAH, WE DO HAVE SOME BEERS. WILL YOU GRAB ME ONE? GREAT. OH, DON'T DRINK A BEER ON THE TOILET. YOU KNOW, I WAS WORRIED YOU'D GET DUMPED AND WE'D HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE BAR. BUT IT WENT WELL. HUH? NO. IT WAS-- IT WAS REALLY GOOD. ALL THE WAY. ALL THE WAY. THAT'S ALL I'M DOING. UH, THAT'S NOT FAR ENOUGH. AS FAR AS I'M GOING. I CAN'T REACH THAT. AS FAR AS I CAN GO. COME ON, DUDE. NO, NO. I AM NOT GONNA HAND YOU A BEER WHILE YOU'RE SHITTING. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO GET UP. THEN GET IT AFTERWARDS. I'M POOPING AS WE SPEAK, AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO GET UP. HERE. TAKE IT. HERE. TAKE IT. ENJOY IT. THANK YOU! ALL RIGHT? I'M GONNA GO. IT'S FINE. IT'S CLOSED NOW. DID YOU TELL HER YOU LOVED HER? I MIGHT HAVE. DID YOU REALLY? YEAH. I--I DID. ARE YOU SERIOUS? WOW. YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL. NAH. YES, YOU DO. YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL. BRO, DON'T TELL HIM HE HAS TO BE CAREFUL. HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN TOGETHER? 4 MONTHS. OK. THAT'S A VERY LONG TIME. THAT'S A GOOD-- STOP. WILL YOU-- OK. 4 MONTHS. ALL RIGHT? SO, NOW, IN THIS 4 MONTHS, HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU THINK YOU'VE ACTUALLY SPENT TOGETHER, LIKE, IN THE SAME CITY? PHYSICALLY? UH, I DON'T KNOW. 40 DAYS? YEAH, 40 DAYS. TOPS. YEAH? SURE, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. OK. LOOK. I HAVE DONE THE LONG-DISTANCE THING, AND IT IS HARD AS HELL. AND IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW GOOD THE RELATIONSHIP IS. IT LITERALLY CAN JUST RIP IT APART. LOOK, IT IS JUST VERY HARD TO BE AWAY FROM THE PERSON YOU LOVE FOR MONTHS AT A TIME. I KNOW. I KNOW IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYIN'. BUT MAYBE YOU NEVER FOUND THE RIGHT GIRL. OHH. THAT'S NOT A BAD POINT. GARRETT: JESUS CHRIST. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT SOME PRIVACY NOW. PARDON ME. ERIN: IT'S ERIN. LEAVE A MESSAGE. (BEEP) WELL, NOW I MISS YOU EVEN MORE. THANKS A LOT. GOING TO BED. SO, UM... CALL ME IN THE MORNING. OK. GOOD NIGHT. WEEZER: # WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS # # WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS # # WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS # # AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR # # GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING # # TO YOU AND YOUR KIN # # GOOD TIDINGS FOR CHRISTMAS # # AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR # # OH, BRING US A FIGGY PUDDING # # OH, BRING US A FIGGY PUDDING # # OH, BRING US A FIGGY PUDDING # # AND A CUP OF GOOD CHEER # # WE WON'T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME # # WE WON'T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME... # IT'S BARELY GONNA FIT IN THE APARTMENT. YEAH, THE OTHER ONES DEFINITELY WOULDN'T HAVE FIT. BUT YOU SAW THE TOP OFF THE BIGGER ONE AND-- WHAT'S THE POINT? WHY NOT JUST GET ONE THAT'S GONNA FIT WITHOUT-- 'CAUSE THIS ONE LOOKS LITTLE. PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK WE'RE GAY. ERIN: OK, LET'S OPEN OUR PRESENTS AT THE SAME TIME. IT'S EXCITING AND SAD, 'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY PRESENT I GOT THIS YEAR. HEH HEH HEH. UM, OK. YOU DID A GOOD WRAPPING JOB, TOO. I HOPE IT'S A PONY. (GASPS) OH! CENTIPEDE? I LOVE IT! OH, HO HO HO! HEH HEH HEH! THAT'S SO AWESOME. I LOVE MY PRESENT. I LOVE YOU. # WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS # # AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR # MAYA: HYAH! HYAH! (DISTANT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) HYAH! HEY, CORINNE! CAN YOU ASK MAYA TO KEEP IT DOWN FOR JUST A SECOND? CORINNE: MAYA, STATUE! (LINE RINGING) (RING) HUGH: HELLO? HI. UM, HUGH EDWARDS, PLEASE. THIS IS HE. UH, HI. THIS IS ERIN LANGFORD. NO. I WAS A SUMMER INTERN FOR YOU. NO. I, UM, WROTE THAT PIECE THAT YOU LIKED SO MUCH ON GRANT-A-DREAM. OH, YEAH. HOW ARE YOU? I'M GOOD. UM... YOU TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD CALL YOU IN JANUARY ABOUT A POSSIBLE PERMANENT POSITION. SO, HERE I AM CALLING YOU. UH, RIGHT. WELL, UH, LOOK. (CHUCKLES) HONESTLY, WE JUST GOT DONE LAYING OFF A HUNDRED PEOPLE, SO WE'RE, UH, NOT GONNA BE HIRING ANYTIME SOON. I'M SORRY. WHY DON'T YOU TRY BLOGGING? YOU KNOW? (CHUCKLES) LOOK, UH, BEST OF LUCK TO YOU. OK. TAKE CARE. THANK YOU. (HANGS UP) FUCK! FUCK. I WANTED THAT JOB, OK? I WANTED TO BE IN NEW YORK. I KNOW. BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEONE ELSE GOT THE JOB OVER YOU. YOU KNOW? THEY'RE JUST NOT TAKING ANYONE ON. YEAH. I GET IT. IT'S A BAD TIME FOR NEWSPAPERS, OK? IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE FUCKING JOB. I WANTED TO BE IN THE SAME CITY AS YOU. I KNOW. (CHUCKLES) BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. BUT THERE ARE OTHER PAPERS IN NEW YORK, RIGHT? SO, THAT'S STILL A POSSIBILITY. I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT IF A PAPER LIKE "THE SENTINEL" JUST CUT A HUNDRED JOBS THAT ANYBODY'S HIRING RIGHT NOW. YEAH, BUT LISTEN. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT UNTIL YOU TRY. YOU'RE ANGRY, AND YOU'RE FRUSTRATED, AND I GET IT, AND I WISH I COULD HUG YOU. I KNOW. I KNOW. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM-- IS YOU'RE THERE AND I'M HERE, AND I'M IN THIS FUCKING KITCHEN RIGHT NOW. AND IT FUCKING STINKS. RELAX NOW AND TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP, AND WE'LL MAKE NEW PLAN TOMORROW. I PROMISE. UM, I GOTTA GO. OK? BYE. I LOVE-- WANNA DO SOME MORE OF THAT LATER? YEAH. PLEASE. (BLUES MUSIC PLAYING) LONG DISTANCE FUCKING SUCKS. YUP. I TOLD YOU IT WAS ROUGH. I KNOW. IT'S SO ROUGH. AND EVEN WORSE-- MMM. I'M SO HORNY. HEH. WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMEONE HERE WHO CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT. DON'T TEMPT ME. I'M JUST SAYING. WHAT AM I GONNA DO FOR A FUCKING JOB? OK? WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH MY LIFE? I DON'T WANNA BE A WAITRESS FOREVER. NO, SERIOUSLY. LISTEN TO ME. I WANT TO BE A REPORTER. I WANT TO-- I WANT TO TELL STORIES. LIKE, ON THE NEWSPAPER. SEE? YOU UNDERSTAND. YEAH. FUCK. HEH HEH. THANK YOU. THAT'S OK. THERE WE GO. JESUS CHRIST! (CHUCKLING) SORRY. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, STEROID-FACE. ALL RIGHT, ERIN. I WOULD THINK YOU WERE COMFORTABLE WITH NEEDLES. YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF, SWEETHEART. SPEAKING OF SWEETHEARTS, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK. SHE DOESN'T HAVE A DICK. ALL RIGHT? I ACTUALLY DO. NO, SHE DOESN'T. ERIN-- AND YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR MOUTH RIGHT ON MY PENIS. JUST GET HER THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS. MY FRIEND DAMON HERE, HE'S GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKIN' ASS! OH, IS THAT RIGHT? NO. BY THE WAY, STEROIDS HAVE SIDE EFFECTS. THEY MAY INCLUDE A SMALL DICK, WORSHIPING OF MICHAEL BAY-- YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKIN' MIND? WAIT, WHOA, WHOA. WE COULD ALL SIT AROUND AND WATCH "TRANSFORMERS" TOGETHER, JACK OFF TO IT. BYE. SUCK MY DICK, BITCH! SERIOUSLY! SUCK IT! (LAUGHTER) STUPID FUCK. LET'S GET BACK IN THERE! WE CAN TAKE HIM! ERIN-- COME ON. LET'S JUST GO. SON OF A BITCH! (LAUGHING) (SIGHS) I NEED TO GET HOME. ARE YOU GONNA BE OK? YEAH. YEAH. I'M FINE. (PANTS) (SIGHS) HI. HONEY, I'M JUST GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW. MAYA DREW ON YOUR FACE. SHIT. (EXHALES) (TELEPHONE RINGS) HELLO. HELLO. OH MY GOD. I MUST HAVE LEFT YOU 7 MESSAGES. PLEASE, PLEASE, GOD, TELL ME YOU'RE OK. YEAH. I'M FINE. I JUST--UHH. I WAS OUT LATE LAST NIGHT WITH DAMON. I GOT REAL DRUNK. DAMON. YEAH? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. HE WAS JUST, UH, LISTENING TO ME VENT. YOU KNOW? WOW. OK. WHAT'S WRONG? UH, NOTHING. WAIT. UH, WAIT A MINUTE. NOTHING HAPPENED. OK? HUH. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. PLEASE JUST TELL ME THAT YOU TRUST ME. HEY. 3Z'S IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM ALREADY. GET IN THERE. YEAH. I'M SORRY. OK. I GOTTA GO. CAN'T TALK. OH, SHIT. LANGFORD. YES. ANY LUCK? UH, NO. THANK YOU FOR ASKING. UM, I'VE CHECKED EVERY NEWSPAPER AND MAGAZINE IN NEW YORK AND ALL DEAD ENDS. WELL, THE "CHRONICLE" HAS AN OPENING, MIRACULOUSLY, SO I RECOMMENDED YOU AND A FEW OTHER STUDENTS. THANK YOU. UM, I JUST SORT OF HAD MY HEART SET ON NEW YORK. WELL, IT'S KIND OF BRUTAL OUT THERE. YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN A POSITION TO BE PICKY. THANK YOU. YOU CAN GO IN NOW. THANK YOU. I'M LOOKING FOR ANY JOB OPPORTUNITIES IN THE SAN FRANCISCO AREA, SO IF YOU KNOW OF-- TOTALLY. I GET IT. YEAH, YOU KNOW, I TRIED THEM, BUT-- THANK YOU, THOUGH. OK. THANK YOU. WHY DON'T YOU TRY BLOWING ME NEXT TIME? UM...OK. NOT YOU. SORRY, I'M DEALING WITH SOME SHIT. I'M SORRY. BAD TIMING. IT'S OK. IT'S GOOD TO KNOW. OH, FUCKING EVITES! IT'S FOR A MONTH FROM NOW. WHO DOES THAT? (SIGHS) IT'S MINE. IT'S FOR MY BIRTHDAY. SHIT. IT'S JUST MARK'S COMING IN FROM FLORIDA AND I REALLY WANT HIM TO MEET EVERYONE. SO, I KIND OF GOTTA PLAN AHEAD. I'M SO SORRY. NO, IT'S OK. IT'S FINE. (SIGHS) THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE, BUT I'M SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED. I HAVEN'T SEEN MY GIRLFRIEND IN A WHILE AND I'M LOSING MY MIND. I'M IN A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP, TOO. I GET IT. IT FUCKING SUCKS. IT REALLY DOES. TELL ME YOU HAVE SOME SUGGESTIONS. PHONE SEX. AND, UM, LOTS OF IT. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? UH... RED LACE PANTIES AND A BRA AND A GARTER... OH, SHIT, YOU REALLY WENT ALL-OUT. NO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, IT'S A FANTASY. OH. RIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? UM...WHAT DO YOU THINK IS SEXY? WHITE BOXER BRIEFS. REALLY? LIKE MARKY MARK? OH, GOD, ESPECIALLY LIKE MARKY MARK. IF YOU EVEN SAY MARKY MARK, I'M GONNA FUCKIN' COME RIGHT NOW. BABY, PLEASE TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, PLEASE. I'M SO HORNY I CAN'T EVEN THINK. ALL RIGHT, SORRY. OK, UM, OK, SO... TELL ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE TOUCHING OR WHATEVER. I'M TOUCHING MYSELF. YEAH, OK, GOOD, WHERE? WHERE ARE YOU TOUCHING YOURSELF? EVERYWHERE. ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE. ALL OVER, UP AND DOWN. UP AND DOWN? ESPECIALLY IN THE WET PART. OH, GOD, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. I WANT TO MAKE GOOD ON THAT. HOLD ON. ERIN? ERIN. HELLO? I LOST YOU. DID I LOSE YOU? HELLO? OK. HELLO? I'M THERE. OK. ALL RIGHT. OH, GOD, I WANT TO FUCK YOU SO BAD. I WANT TO FUCK YOU SO HARD. (MOANS) I WANT TO COME ALL OVER YOU. NO, I WANT YOU TO COME ON THE TOWEL BESIDE YOUR PILLOW. YEAH, OK. I LOVE FUCKING SO MUCH. YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING LOVE? I LOVE FUCKING RIDING YOU! OH, GOD! I LOVE FUCKING RIDING YOU! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. BUT I'M ON TOP, BABY, I'M ON TOP. NO, I'M ON TOP. I'M ON TOP. HOW CAN YOU BE ON TOP? 'CAUSE WE'RE IN YOUR CAR. NO, WE'RE ON A PLANE. WE'RE IN YOUR CAR? DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT WE'RE IN YOUR CAR? UH, YOU SAID THE TOWEL NEXT TO MY PILLOW. WHY WOULD THERE BE A PILLOW IN THE CAR? WHY WOULD THERE BE A TOWEL ON THE PLANE? WELL, 'CAUSE THEY GIVE OUT THOSE LITTLE HAND TOWELS IN FIRST-CLASS. WE WOULDN'T BE IN FIRST-CLASS, WE'D BE IN COACH. OK, FINE, WE'RE IN COACH. WHAT'S EVERYBODY DOING? ARE THEY JUST WATCHING US FUCKING? NO, NO. WE'RE IN A BATHROOM. WE'LL GO IN THE BATHROOM. I DON'T WANT TO GET THAT BLUE TOILET SHIT ALL OVER ME. I'M NOT GONNA PUT YOU IN THE TOILET. I'LL PUT THE LID DOWN. WE'RE GONNA GET ARRESTED. WE'RE NOT GONNA GET ARRESTED. WE'LL LOCK THE DOOR. IT'S A FANTASY! THERE'S NOT-- THERE'S NO-- OH, CHRIST! YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'LL GO IN THE CAR. WE'LL GO IN THE CAR. OH, FUCK THE CAR. YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK THE MOMENT'S PASSED. THIS ISN'T REALLY WORKING. I'M SORRY. IT'S OK. YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT "BLUE BALLS" WAS JUST A SAYING, BUT I'M GETTING A-- A LOT OF VEINAGE HERE. I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF CONCERNED. OH, GOD. (BOTH LAUGHING) THAT'S OK. I'LL JUST TIGHTEN THE VISE GRIP ON MY DICK ONE MORE NOTCH. ALL RIGHT. YOU DO THAT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. BYE. BYE. FUCK. DAN: YOU KNOW, GARRETT, I LIKE THE AEROPLANE. PEOPLE DO CARS TOO MUCH. DAN! ARE YOU KIDDING?! # COULD WE # # TAKE A WALK? # # COULD WE # # HAVE A TALK ALONE # # IN THE AFTERNOON? # (TELEPHONE RINGS) HELLO. HELLO, ERIN? THIS IS SARAH CONANT AT THE "CHRONICLE." HELLO. LISTEN, WE'RE ALL VERY IMPRESSED OVER HERE BY YOUR WORK, AND I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE POSITION AT OUR METRO DESK. REALLY? YES. SO, UH, WE'LL NEED YOU TO COME IN ON APRIL 15 AT 10 A.M. AND YOU CAN MEET WITH OUR EDITORS. OK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'RE WELCOME. BYE-BYE. # WHAT'S THE POINT OF FAME IF IT'S BEEN ABUSED? # # WHAT'S A KID LIKE ME EVEN GOT TO LOSE? # # ALL YOUR DREAMING WILL HAVE TO WAIT # # WHAT YOU DESERVE YOU'LL ANTICIPATE # I'M SORRY ABOUT NOT PICKING YOU UP, BUT I JUST REALLY WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU WITH THE ROMANCE AND THE CANDLES AND WHATNOT. DAN: HEY, ERIN! HI, DAN. DAN: I MISSED YOU! I MISSED YOU, TOO, DAN. DAN: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! DAN! WAIT. MM. MMM. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A SECOND, OK? (GRUNTS) OK, CAN I BE DONE WAITING NOW? LISTEN, OK? WHAT? I JUST--I NEED A SECOND. I WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR FACE AND... I'VE MISSED YOU. OH MY GOD, I'VE MISSED YOU, TOO. WHAT IS IT? SOMETHING'S WRONG. I AM REALLY, REALLY GETTING TIRED OF US SPENDING SO MUCH TIME APART. I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT, LOOK, WE'RE HERE NOW. SO... YEAH. AND, UM... BUT THERE'S, UM, THERE'S A JOB. WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT JOB? WELL, I INTERVIEWED WITH THE "SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE" AND THEY OFFERED ME A JOB. WOW! THAT'S--THAT'S GREAT. YEAH. ARE YOU GONNA TAKE IT? I DON'T KNOW. OHH. HMM. (CHUCKLES) WOW. WHAT? UH, NOTHING. NO, NOT NOTHING. WHAT? IT'S A LITTLE STRANGE TO ME, 'CAUSE IN ONE BREATH YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IT'S SO HARD TO BE APART AND YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH THIS, AND THEN IN THE NEXT YOU'RE SAYING WE MIGHT BE APART FOR A REALLY LONG TIME. NO, I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW YET. OK? AND MY GOAL IS TO BE HERE WITH YOU. BUT THIS IS SUCH A BIG OPPORTUNITY FOR ME THAT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. YEAH. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS HUGE BOMB YOU JUST LAID ON ME. FUCK, ERIN, YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME YOU INTERVIEWED. I DIDN'T MEAN TO KEEP IT FROM YOU. I... BUT YOU DID. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO? IT'S SOMETHING YOU EITHER DO OR YOU DON'T. YOU MAKE A CHOICE. YOU KNOW, AMAZINGLY, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. (SIGHS) FUCK. ERIN, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST GO OUT. LET'S JUST GO OUT. I DON'T KNOW, I'M FEELING SEXY TONIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? I GOT A GOOD FEELING LIKE I MIGHT BE GETTIN' LAID BY ONE OF YOU LADIES. NOT IT. NOT IT. COME ON, DAN, JUST SHOOT POOL. ALL RIGHT, OK, I'M JUST TRYING TO TALK ABOUT HOW SEXY I FEEL. I'M GONNA GO GET ANOTHER DRINK. ("PRIZEFIGHTER PLAYING) GARRETT. HI. HI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? UH, BOX INVITED ME. OF COURSE. DO YOU WANT TO DO A SHOT OF JAGER? YES. HEY, CHRISTOPHER. 2... THIS IS SO WEIRD TO SEE YOU OUT OF THE OFF--YOU LOOK GREAT. THANK YOU. AH, THANK YOU. HEY. UM... I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR YOU 'CAUSE I WANTED TO-- HELLO. HI. UM...SORRY, THIS IS, UH, ERIN, MY, UM... GIRL--GIRLFRIEND. THIS IS BRIANNA, WHO I WORK WITH. A FRIEND. IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU. GARRETT IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT YOU, AND I HEAR YOUR NAME ALL THE TIME. IT'S REALLY NICE TO PUT A FACE TO IT. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO. UM...SO, ARE YOU PLANNING ON MOVING OUT HERE ANYTIME SOON? OOH. HELL OF A QUESTION. I DON'T KNOW. I-- SHE KNOWS. SHE GOT BIG NEWS TODAY THAT PERTAINS TO THAT VERY QUESTION. TELL HER. TELL YOUR BIG NEWS. TELL HER YOUR BIG NEWS. BIG NEWS THAT I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT. NO? IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU. YEAH. UM, I'M GONNA GO SLEEP AT BRANDY'S 'CAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU HAVE... AND--YEAH, BYE. ALL RIGHT. BARTENDER: THERE YOU GO. OH, GOOD. WELL... (GLASSES CLINK) CHEERS. ARE YOU OK? (LAUGHS) I AM NOW. (LAUGHS) YOU HAVE A LOT OF JINGLE-JANGLES. YES, SHE DOES. HI! HI! GARRETT, INTRODUCTIONS. THIS IS DAN. THIS IS BRIANNA. HI. DANIEL. DANIEL VON... JAGERMEISTER. HELLO, DANIEL. I'M A VERY WEALTHY MAN. GARRETT, CAN YOU BUY US SOME SHOTS? LET'S GET A DRINK. WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK! FUCK! I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. I GOT SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT. I-I'M SORRY, I DRANK SO MUCH. (CHUCKLING) HEY. KNOCK, KNOCK IN THERE! HOW YOU DOIN', HUH? HEY, LAST NIGHT-- AWESOME. SERIOUSLY, LIKE THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE, EVER. YOU WANT TO GO FOR ROUND 2? YOU WANT TO DO IT AGAIN OR WHAT? BRIANNA: YOU THREW UP ON ME. I DID THROW UP ON YOU. I DID THROW UP ON YOU A LITTLE BIT. AND I APOLOGISED, AND I THOUGHT MAYBE WE WERE PAST THAT. I WAS HOPING WE WERE PAST THAT. BRIANNA: YOU CRIED THE WHOLE NIGHT. DAN: CRYING IS A PART OF FEELING, ALL RIGHT? COME ON, YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST? I'LL COOK YOU UP SOME EGGS. BRIANNA: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. DAN: THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME. HEY. HEY. HEY. (SIGHS) I SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT THE INTERVIEW, ABOUT EVERYTHING. I--YOU KNOW, NO MATTER WHAT. NO. YOU KNOW, WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. WE'LL JUST-- WE'LL JUST FIGURE IT OUT. I KNOW THAT, UM, YOU KEEP SAYING THAT WE'RE GONNA FIGURE IT OUT, BUT, UH, WE HAVEN'T. BUT WE WILL. BUT WE HAVEN'T, AND WE NEED TO MAKE A DECISION RIGHT AWAY. OK, WELL, UH, YEAH, I KNOW. MAKE A DECISION, THEN. WHY IS THIS ALL ON ME? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WHY IS IT ON YOU? THIS IS YOUR DECISION. SO IT'S ALL ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I MOVE TO NEW YORK? WHAT ABOUT YOU MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'VE BEEN CALLING SHIT-BOX MUSIC LABELS THERE FOR THE LAST MONTH, EVERY DAY. DILIGENTLY. I CALLED A LABEL THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A KID IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO'S, LIKE, COLLECTING DEMOS FOR HIS FRIENDS. HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO HIRE ME. THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE. THERE ARE NO JOBS. TRUST ME. I CALLED THEM ALL. I LOVE THAT YOU'RE FINE WITH ME MOVING TO NEW YORK AND WAITING TABLES, BUT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SERVING COFFEE IN FUCKING SAN FRANCISCO. IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU. AND YOU HATE YOUR JOB. FINE. I'LL JUST MAKE THE DECISION FOR BOTH OF US. YOU CAN JUST TOTALLY LEAVE IT ALL ON ME. I GOT IT. # LOOK AT ME, OH, LOOK AT ME # # IS THIS THE WAY I'LL ALWAYS BE? # JESUS, HARPER, MAYBE BE A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE? WHAT? I'M CHECKING OUT THEIR PACKAGES. THEY WANT YOU TO LOOK. (CELL PHONE RINGS) OH, THAT'S GROSS. IT'S NOT GROSS, ACTUALLY. UM, HELLO? GARRETT: HEY, ERIN. WHAT YOU DOIN'? HELLO? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. WHERE ARE YOU? HUH? WHERE ARE YOU?! OH! I'M IN, LIKE, THIS SKETCHY CLUB. IT'S GIRLS NIGHT OUT. OH, FUN. I CAN'T HEAR YOU! GO OUTSIDE! YOU GUYS HAVE TO SAVE MINE. I GOTTA GO OUTSIDE AND TALK TO GARRETT. OH, HE'S AN ASSHOLE. TELL HIM TO MOVE HERE ALREADY. HEY, GARRETT. IT'S HARPER. HOW YOU DOIN'? GARRETT: HEY, HARPER. LOOK, ERIN CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SHE'S GONNA MEET A GUY TONIGHT WHO LIVES HERE AND RESPECTS HER, AND SHE'S GONNA MAKE OUT WITH HIM AND HAVE HIS BABY. DUDE! WHAT? I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW, I SHOULDN'T DRINK TEQUILA. YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S OK. OH, IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, HARPER. YOU KNOW SHE'S OUT OF HER FUCKIN' MIND. WHY WAS SHE SAYING ALL THAT STUFF? LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, OK? I TOLD HER ABOUT THE FIGHT. I HAD TO. I'M SORRY. I'M A FUCKING GIRL. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. WE TALK IT OUT. RIGHT. DO YOU GET IT? SURE. I'VE SEEN "MOESHA." COOL. OK. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU? HEY, LISTEN, I--I-- I KNOW YOU'RE ON A DEADLINE TO MAKE A DECISION ABOUT THIS "CHRONICLE" JOB. I KNOW THAT. AND YOU WERE RIGHT, BY THE WAY. YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN THIS ALONE. I WANT TO HELP YOU, AND WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER, RIGHT? BUT THAT BEING SAID, UM, I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU. I WANT YOU IN NEW YORK. BUT NOT JUST YOU IN NEW YORK, I WANT YOU AND ME IN NEW YORK LIVING TOGETHER. I'M GONNA GET A PLACE WITH YOU, A PLACE THAT YOU LOVE. A PLACE THAT WE CAN MAKE OUR OWN, WHERE WE CAN PUT TOM CRUISE ALL OVER THE WALLS AND GET TOM CRUISE BED SHEETS AND TOM CRUISE TOILET PAPER. OR WE COULD BUY OUR OWN CENTIPEDE MACHINE AND DRINK JUGS OF SUNSHINE HARBOUR ALL DAY. I JUST WANT A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND... AND FRANKLY, I AM SO TIRED OF MISSING YOU. AND I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO PUT ON YOU, AND I'M OPEN TO WHATEVER, BUT, UM... I REALLY WANT TO COME OUT AND SEE YOU AND FIGURE ALL OF THIS OUT TOGETHER. I'D LIKE THAT. OK. GOOD. OK. BYE. BYE. (FANFARLO'S "HAROLD T. WILKINS OR HOW TO WAIT A VERY LONG TIME" PLAYING) # YOU'VE BEEN PARKING YOUR BIKE FOR THE TENTH TIME # # YOU'VE BEEN UP ON THE ROOF AGAIN # # BUT INSIDE, INSIDE, YOU'LL ALWAYS FEEL THE SAME # # EVEN WHEN YOU WAKE UP # # EVEN IF YOU WAKE UP # (DOORBELL RINGS) # IN A TUNNEL EVERYONE WILL KICK AND SCREAM # # AND COME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION... # MAYA PAPAYA. WHERE'S ERIN? IS SHE HERE? SHE'S UPSTAIRS IN THE SHOWER. BABY? UH-HUH. HEY. OHH! HEY. HEY. HI. HI. MMM. OH, GOD, I MISSED YOU. I MISSED YOU, TOO. LISTEN. WHAT? I WANT TO MOVE TO NEW YORK. ARE YOU SERIOUS? YES. OH MY GOD! YEAH. SO, HAVE YOU TOLD THE "CHRONICLE" YET? NO. I'M SORT OF WAITING TILL MONDAY. OK. HEY, PHIL WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU GUYS WANT TO WATCH "THE NOTEBOOK"? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? GOING INSIDE. HEY, GARRETT. HEY. DO YOU NEED HELP? YOU CAN GRAB THAT FOR ME. OK. START PUTTING THEM ON. ALL RIGHT. SO...YOU MUST BE EXCITED, HUH? YEAH. I'M EXCITED. IT'S WONDERFUL. YOU KNOW, GARRETT, HOW MUCH I LOVE MY SISTER, RIGHT? OF COURSE. I MEAN, SHE MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME. AND, UH, AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M VERY PROTECTIVE OF HER, SO IT'S BEEN VERY HARD FOR ME WATCHING HER STRUGGLE WITH THIS DECISION TO COME WITH YOU OR TO TAKE THIS INCREDIBLE JOB. BUT, YOU KNOW, SHE LOVES YOU, AND, UH... I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER. BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH SHE'S GIVING UP TO BE WITH YOU. SO DON'T BREAK HER HEART. OK? OR I'LL CUT YOUR BALLS OFF. I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING. OK. I'M KIDDING. JESUS CHRIST. I'M KIDDING. UM, THANKS. UM, OK, SHOULD I-- YOU SHOULD TAKE THOSE IN. YEAH, OK. (SIGHS) FUCKER. (SIGHS) FUCKER. YEAH, I WISH I'D LIVED IN NEW YORK AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE. OH, YEAH? I FEEL LIKE I COULD HAVE REALLY SHAKEN UP THAT PLACE. (SIGHS) SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR WORK? OH, UM, I'M GONNA WAIT TABLES UNTIL I FIGURE IT OUT. YOU STILL GONNA DO THE WRITING? THERE ARE NO JOBS IN NEW YORK, PHIL. MM. WELL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT... I THINK THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS IS GONNA BOUNCE BACK. OH, YEAH. NO, THAT IS A SENSIBLE GAMBLE. I THINK CORINNE AGREES. (ALL LAUGH) SHE'S ON BOARD. WELL, YOU COULD ALWAYS WRITE JUST TO WRITE. NO ONE CAN STOP YOU FROM DOING THAT. I'M NOT GONNA... NOT DO WHAT I DO. IT JUST MIGHT TAKE A WHILE. YOU KNOW. I'M NOT GONNA GIVE IT UP. WELL, EVEN IF YOU DID, YOU'D STILL BE THERE FOR GARRETT, WHICH IS THE IMPORTANT THING. EXACTLY. HEY. HEY. I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M OK. HOW ARE YOU? GOOD. YOU WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE WALK? SURE. COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE? NOTHING. WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE JOB. NO. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR A JOB. NO, NO, NO, NO. LISTEN, LOOKIT. YOU NEED TO TAKE THE JOB. YOU NEED TO TAKE THE JOB. THIS IS NOT ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. THIS IS ABOUT ASKING YOU TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING AGAIN AND I'M NOT GONNA DO IT. I'M NOT GONNA DO IT. I MEAN, IF YOU MOVE TO NEW YORK, IT'D BE GREAT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, OF COURSE, BUT YOU'D EVENTUALLY RESENT ME, AND I CAN'T LIVE WITH THAT. I CAN'T. I WON'T. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO US? WE CAN'T SEE EACH OTHER EVERY 3 MONTHS. THAT'S NOT A RELATIONSHIP. BUT I LOVE YOU. THIS IS... WHY DON'T WE JUST SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE. YEAH. I REALLY THOUGHT THAT WE WERE SOMETHING. WE WERE. WE WERE SOMETHING. HE'S HERE. NO, I'M PICKING HIM UP NOW. ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON A SEC. HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'? HEY, BUDDY. WHAT DO YOU THINK, HOME OR BAR? BAR. BAR. YEAH. I'M REALLY DISTURBED, BECAUSE YOU WOULD THINK THAT YOU WOULD FIND A BABY PIGEON SOMEWHERE IN THE CITY. BUT I DON'T SEE BABY PIGEONS EVER. SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? DO YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE THIS BEER? I MEAN, WE CAN GET YOU SOME HARDER LIQUOR, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO GET REALLY FUCKED UP. NO, THIS IS GOOD, BUDDY. THANKS, PAL. ALL RIGHT. DRINK A LITTLE FRANGELICO? THOSE SAMBUCA SHOTS? NOTHING FUN? YOU KNOW, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DIVE OFF THE DEEP END INTO THE SADNESS POOL, WE CAN GO BACK TO MY PLACE, LISTEN TO, LIKE, THE "GARDEN STATE" SOUNDTRACK, WATCH "BRIAN'S SONG." THAT PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE THE BEST THING. YOU WANT A HUG? I'M OK, BUDDY. THANKS. JUST-- THIS IS GOOD. I'LL HUG YOU. IT'S OK. COME ON, MAN. COME ON, BUDDY. THERE YOU GO. OK. THANKS. WHY ARE YOUR EYES CLOSED? MINE? MM-HMM. ARE YOURS NOT CLOSED? NO. OH. ARE YOUR EYES-- I JUST CLOSE MY EYES WHEN I HUG. NO BIG DEAL. (THE REPLACEMENTS' "HERE COMES A REGULAR" PLAYING) # WELL, A PERSON CAN WORK UP # # A MEAN, MEAN THIRST # YOU PLAYING? YEAH. YOU ANY GOOD? I'M OK. DAMN. THAT'S ONE HELL OF A HIGH SCORE. YEAH. GONNA BE REAL TOUGH TO BEAT. # THERE AIN'T MUCH TO RAKE ANYWAY # # IN THE FALL # HEY, ERIN, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE FRONT PAGE STORY. THANK YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON THE COVER. SO KEEP AN OPEN MIND, OK? WE ARE REALLY LUCKY TO BE GETTING IN HERE EARLY. I GOT A TIP FROM CHUCK AT THE CRIME DESK. AND, UH, IT'S A SUBLET, AND IT'S RIGHT IN MY PRICE RANGE, AND IT'S AVAILABLE FOR 10 YEARS. ARE YOU KID-- IS THIS BLOOD? IS THIS BLOOD ON THE WALL? DID SOMEONE GET BLUDGEONED IN HERE? I'M NOT REALLY SURE OF THE DETAILS. SOMETHING ABOUT A NARCOTICS BUST OR A COCK-FIGHTING RING. BUT LET'S BE POSITIVE. YES. NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT. MAYBE IT'S JUST FECES. I THINK IT'S AN UP-AND-COMER. THEY GOT A BOSTON MARKET ON THE CORNER. THEY DON'T BUILD THOSE JUST ANYPLACE. OH, GOD, IT SMELLS LIKE A SKIN INFECTION IN THERE. SMELLS LIKE FREEDOM TO ME. THE HAPPIEST PEOPLE I KNOW ARE SINGLE AND LIVING ALONE. GRAB IT, ERIN. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, IT'LL BE DONE. YOU'LL BE TRAPPED AND DEAD. YOU GOTTA DO IT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S A SHITHOLE! THE REASON YOUR CONVERSATION IS HAVING A SOUNDTRACK RIGHT NOW IS BECAUSE THE WALLS ARE PAPER-THIN. ALL RIGHT? ERIN, YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ANY PRIVACY IN HERE. I ACTUALLY LIKE MUSIC THAT COMES THROUGH THE WALLS. I FIND IT COMFORTING. I'M GONNA TAKE THIS PLACE. AND I SO APPRECIATE WHAT YOU AND PHIL HAVE DONE FOR ME, BUT IT IS TIME FOR ME TO MOVE OUT. I THINK YOU GOT A VIEW OF THE TRANSAMERICA BUILDING. WHOA-- ERIN, I KNOW YOU LOVE THIS PLACE, BUT THERE'S A CREEPY MAN WATCHING US HUG RIGHT NOW. REALLY? YEAH. YEAH. LET'S GO. YEAH. ALL RIGHT, YOU WERE RIGHT. CORINNE: PHIL. PHIL! OH. CAN WE GO TO BOSTON MARKET? NO! WE CAN'T GO TO BOSTON MARKET. (DOOR SLAMS) (JOURNEY'S "ANY WAY YOU WANT IT" PLAYING) GARRETT: OH, I LOOK LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT. BOX: TRUST ME, IT WORKS. BUT I'M NOT INTO OLDER WOMEN. THAT'S YOUR THING. BUT YOU ASKED ME FOR MY HELP. ALL RIGHT? YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, I HAVE A SOLUTION. THESE WOMEN ARE GOOD TO GO. YEAH, GOOD TO GO TO AN EARLY BIRD SPECIAL AT DENNY'S. COME ON. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT WITH A LADY IN WHAT, 6 MONTHS. RIGHT? MM-HMM. OK. SO THIS IS ABOUT GETTING BACK ON THE HORSE. YEAH, NO, I KNOW. ALL RIGHT? NOW, SURE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND YOURSELF A KENTUCKY DERBY WINNER HERE TONIGHT NECESSARILY, BUT YOU MIGHT FIND A NICE HORSE TO RIDE DOWN THE GRAND CANYON ON. THEN YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE GRAND CANYON, YOU DROP HER OFF, AND YOU GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS. THAT MAKES IT WORSE. WHOO! SORRY I'M RUNNING LATE, BOYS. 3 BEERS, YES? OH, NO! WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT THE FUCK? HOLY SHIT. WHAT? YOU'RE NOT CHARLIE CHAPLIN FANS? THIS IS GONNA KILL IN HERE. I LOVE CHARLIE CHAPLIN. I'M NOT A FAN OF THE OTHER GUY THAT HAS THE SAME EXACT MUSTACHE. WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS? AT NO POINT DURING THE SHAVING OF THAT MUSTACHE DID YOU THINK, "I SHOULD COOL IT BECAUSE I'M GONNA LOOK A LOT LIKE HITLER"? OH, HITLER. OH, YEAH, I DEFINITELY THOUGHT THAT. PLUS THE PLASTERED HAIR... SEE, I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA GIVE ME SHIT. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT? I'M SHAVING IT AND THEN... (IMITATES ELECTRIC SHAVER) I GET THAT WAY TOO FAR ON THIS SIDE. GONE WAY TOO FAR. I WENT TOO FAR ON THIS SIDE. SO I START GOING BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH, I STOP. I'M LIKE, STOP NOW AND YOU CAN STILL PULL OFF CHAPLIN, SO I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? (HIGH-PITCHED GERMAN ACCENT) IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I WILL SEND YOU TO THE GAS CHAMBER! OH, YOU ARE DOING HITLER. I'LL DO WHOEVER I WANT TO DO. YOU GOTTA PICK A CHARACTER, YOU KNOW. OH. HEY. GAME FACES. HELLO. HI. HOW YOU DOIN'? YOU GUYS DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL WITH US. WE DID NOT. NO, WE, UH... YOU HAVE A VERY FOXY EYE FOR DETAIL. WANT TO DANCE? I DO. OOH. WELL. TIME MACHINE. YEAH. MAYBE MY FRIEND GARRETT HERE CAN JOIN US? I'M GOOD. NO, I'M GOOD. I'M GONNA SIT THIS ONE OUT. GOODBYE, GENTLEMEN. SHALL WE? LET'S DO IT. OH, MAN, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS. YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE, RIGHT? ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU THINK I'M GONNA MISS THIS? NO, WELL, YEAH. NO, NOT THIS, THOUGH. I MEAN... (SIGHS) LOOK, BOX AND I, THIS IS WHAT WE DO. WE DO STUPID SHIT, AND WE'LL BE FINE. SO IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT US, DON'T WORRY ABOUT US, MAN. BUT YOU, YOU DON'T NEED TO BE HERE. YEAH, I KNOW. OK, MAN. AS LONG AS YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT. OK. I'M TAKING OFF. THESE DUDES DON'T LOOK LIKE CHAPLIN FANS TO ME. OH, BOY. THEY LOOK LIKE ANGRY JEWS. (MOUTHING) SORRY. HELLO. HELLO. HOW WAS WORK? YOU KNOW, UH, IT WAS AWESOME. GOOD. OH, HEY, YOU, UH, GOT A PACKAGE TODAY. OH, YEAH? MM-HMM. IT'S, UM, FROM GARRETT. OH. WHAT DOES IT SAY? "THEY'RE GONNA BE IN SAN FRANCISCO. THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO." WHO IS? THE BOXER REBELLION. THAT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST BANDS THAT WE SAW TOGETHER. ARE YOU GONNA GO? THAT DEPENDS. ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU'LL BE MY DATE. I CAN GET DRUNK THERE, RIGHT? CORINNE: THERE'S SORT OF AN UNIDENTIFIABLE SMELL IN HERE THAT I CAN'T QUITE JUST PUT MY FINGER ON. IT'S--I DON'T KNOW. JUST PUSH YOUR WAY IN. IT'S URINE. IT'S URINE. I SMELL URINE. OH, GOOD. THAT MEANS IT'S A GOOD CLUB. AND PUKE. OH, YEAH. THERE'S A HINT OF PUKE. AND URINE. OH, WELL, THAT'S EVEN BETTER. (CHEERING) I'M SORRY. HI. HI, CORINNE. HEY, GARRETT. I LIKE YOUR HAIRCUT. THANKS. DID A LITTLE SOMETHING DIFFERENT. AND YOUR DICK'S IN YOUR PANTS. I'M GONNA, UM, I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE--THE...THE-- OH, FUCK IT. I'M JUST NOT GONNA BE HERE. OK? OK. OK. MM-HMM. HI. HI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I MANAGE THE BAND. YOU DO? YES. CRAZY, I KNOW. REALLY? YEAH. THAT'S... THAT'S GREAT. REALLY? YEAH. YEAH. WOW! NO, I LEFT THE LABEL. YOU WERE RIGHT, AS IT TURNS OUT. I...HATED THE HELL OUT OF MY JOB. WELL, I HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO. NO, YOU DON'T. YOU LOVE SAYING I TOLD YOU SO. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU LOVE IT. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? SO, ARE YOU LIVING IN NEW YORK? I ACTUALLY JUST MOVED TO LOS ANGELES. REALLY? YEAH. THE BAND ACTUALLY LIVES IN L.A. AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS. I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A HUGE GEOGRAPHY FAN, BUT, UM, L.A. IS NOT ONLY IN THE SAME TIME ZONE AS SAN FRANCISCO, IT'S IN THE SAME STATE. SO... YEAH, IT'S VERY CLOSE. YEAH. IT'S A ONE-HOUR FLIGHT. A 6-HOUR DRIVE. 18-HOUR HOT-AIR BALLOON RIDE. (LAUGHS) IF YOU WERE TO GO THAT WAY. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? YEAH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR SITUATION IS... BUT I MISS YOU. THAT'S NOT A QUESTION. YEAH, IT IS. # I'M ALWAYS SCARED # # WHEN IT'S YOU ALL ALONE # # EYES OF THE NIGHT # # JUST TO SEE, SEE YOU HOME # # THERE'S TWO OF US IN HERE # # ALL # # ALL NIGHT # # THERE'S TWO... # I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE LEFT WITHOUT US. THAT'S SO WEIRD. WELL, IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT, AND SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T LIKE THE BAND. SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE BAND-- SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME. SHE HATES ME. HOW AM I GONNA WIN THAT CRAZY ONE OVER? HEY, NOW THAT WE'RE GONNA SPEND MORE TIME WITH EACH OTHER, WHICH I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER ABOUT, UM, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET YOUR OWN APARTMENT. JUST SO WE DON'T HAVE TO SNEAK AROUND HER HOUSE LIKE TEENAGERS. BUT FOR TONIGHT, LET'S JUST GO UPSTAIRS, LIKE ADULTS. OK. VERY MATURE. (CREAKING) WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. (CREAKING) AAH! AAH! (ERIN GASPS) ARE YOU GUYS... ARE YOU DRY-HUMPING? NO. SORRY. BUT I DIDN'T-- I DON'T CARE IF YOU DIDN'T FINISH. GET THE FUCK OFF ME! MOMMY? ARE YOU OK? ALL: MAYA, STATUE! www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2013