SONG: # I got you I got you on my mind # And it's time to make you see what I want # So, I'll just make this a little more obvious # 'Cause I get what I want and I want you to get with me # Don't think you know # How far I'm gonna go # You can't stop this feeling # You can't run away # Baby, I'm what's on your mind # You can't stop this feeling # There's no escape # No sleep tonight # We won't get no sleep tonight # You want me # You want me all the time # And you don't need nothing else # But you seem to be a little oblivious # So I'll show you the way if you think that you need some help # Tell me, baby # Are you coming with me? # You can't stop this feeling # You can't run away # Baby, I'm what's on your mind # You can't stop this feeling # There's no escape # No sleep tonight # You won't get no sleep tonight # No sleep tonight # No sleep tonight # No sleep tonight # No sleep tonight # No sleep tonight # No sleep tonight # No sleep tonight # No sleep tonight # No sleep tonight. # ( CHEERING ) Oh, she shoots, she scores. Goal! Whoo! That's right. Give it. Give me the ball. Very nice. (Shrieks) Justin! (Both laugh) Put me down! OK. Um...right...oof! Oh, sorry. Oh, goodness. Hey! Hi. OK, you are really getting good. Aww, you too. I mean, when we first started going out, you couldn't kiss at all. I meant at soccer. Oh, really? Absolutely. You're...probably already better than half the guys on the team. Mmm, probably more than half. (Laughs) What do you mean, I couldn't kiss at all? Don't worry. I've taught you well. (Girl laughs) I know. Ow! OK, but, seriously, don't you think you'd get more playing time at a school like Michigan? Yeah, maybe, but it's always been about being a Tar Heel for me. I'm gonna wear that Carolina blue! Yeah! Yeah, baby! OK, what is the lacrosse team doing on our field? The school cut our team. Wait, what? Not enough girls signed up. What - so they just cut us? They can't do that! OK, this is NOT over. ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) Hi, girls. I heard the bad news. 'Bad'? It's a disaster. Now college scouts - they won't even get to see us play! Yeah! I know. If there's anything I can do, you just say the word. As a matter of fact, there is. We wanna try out for the boys' team. (Laughs) Uh, anything besides that. Coach, come on! You know that we're good enough! I don't know that that's a thing that I know. GIRL: What? All we're asking for is one shot. GIRLS: Yeah! Girls, we have two weeks before school starts, then we open against Illyria. A rivalry game. We have to win. And we can help you win. JUSTIN: Hey, baby. Hey! What's going on, Coach? Um, the girls here wanna try out for the team. (Boys laugh) You're not serious? Alright, alright! You're all excellent players, but girls aren't as fast as boys. What? Or strong or as athletic. This is not me talking, it's a scientific fact. Girls can't beat boys. It's as simple as that. OK, well, Justin, you're the team captain. What do you think about it? I think the Coach said it all. Yesterday you told me I was better than half the guys on your team! (Boys exclaim) I never said that. What are you talking about? Why are you lying?! Viola...end of discussion! BOY: Yeah, you tell her, man. Fine. End of relationship. (All exclaim) Baby, don't be like that. I... I just don't wanna see you get hurt. Aww. You are so full of... (Blows whistle) Back to practice. GIRL: Sebastian! Sebastian! Sebastian, jeez! Ow! Eugh! It's you. (Sighs) God, you and your brother look scary alike from the back. I think it's your total lack of curves. (Sarcastically) Hi, Monique. It's so good to see you too. Mmm, I'm looking for Sebastian. Where is he? I don't know. Just remind your brother how lucky he is to be in my life and tell him to give me a call if he wants to stay in it, OK? OK. She will do great things. (Gasps) I have a surprise for you! (Mutters) And this is why I don't bring friends over. Mom, not now. I had a really bad day, so... This is just the thing to just perk you up. Now, hold on. Alright, keep your eyes closed. Eyes closed. Eyes closed, closed, closed, closed. OK, they're closed! Alright...surprise! Beautiful gowns for my darling debutante. Mom, have I not told you 1,000 times? I have no interest in being a debutante. It's totally archaic. How could I wind up with a daughter who only wants to kick a muddy ball around a field all day? Well, the world has been set right, Mom - they cut my team. What - no soccer? Yeah, that's right, no soccer. How sad. Yeah, I can see you're all torn up. Well, Justin's gonna love you in this. Yeah, another reason not to wear it. I dumped him. What? Why? I don't wanna talk about it. He's so handsome and...rugged and...chiselled and...great. Then why don't you date him, Mom? (Laughs) Oh, I couldn't. Hey, Sebastian. Hey. Are you OK? Uh-huh. Monique was looking for you. Mmm. Why do you even date her, anyway? She's hot. It's a guy thing. Ugh! But she's so awful. (Laughs) Hey, you know, you could use the front door. Mom can't see me. She thinks I'm staying at Dad's, Dad thinks I'm staying at Mom's. In two days, they both think that I'm going away to school. That is the beauty of divorce. Wait, where are you going? London, for a couple of weeks. As in London, England? Yeah, my band got a slot in a music festival there. OK, what are you gonna do about school? Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could help me with that. Could you just, like, pretend to be Mom, call Illyria, tell them I'm sick? Something good that sounds like it would last two weeks, like mad cow. Sebastian, you just got kicked out of Cornwall for skipping. This is not exactly the way you wanna start out. Hey, I wanna be a musician, OK? Last time I heard, they don't need to know trigonometry. And, besides, if you wanna chase your dreams, sometimes you gotta break the rules, right? You know the percentage of bands that actually make it to the big time? Probably the same as female soccer players. I will see you in two weeks. Sebastian... Arggh! Sebastian! Were you just talking with your brother? No. Yes...on the phone. He's at Dad's. 'Bye, Dad. Picture this. We're at the country club, they call your name and you emerge in this. Ta-da! Ugh! No, sorry, Mom. I have a strict 'no ruffles' policy. Sometimes I just think you just might as well be your brother. Hmm. You know what? If you can't join 'em, beat 'em. (Laughs) You want me to turn you into your brother? That's right. I'm going to Illyria as Sebastian, I'm gonna make the boys' soccer team there, and then in 12 days, I'm gonna beat the Cornwall boys' team. OK, you've taken way too many soccer balls to the head. You know I can do it, Paul. Yeah, except for the voice and the mannerisms and the breasts and the mentality and... Besides, it doesn't matter. Nobody at Illyria has even met Sebastian - they wouldn't know the difference. They'll know he's a...girl. Oh, come on, Paul. GIRLS: Yeah, come on, Paul. Yeah, come on, Paul. OK. OK. I'll see what I can do. GIRLS: Yes! # Who can turn the world on with her smile? # Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? # Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it # With each glance and every little movement you show it. # Love is all around, no need to waste it # You can have a town, why don't you take it? # You're gonna make it after all. # How will you make it on your own? # This world is awfully big, girl, this time, you're all alone. # But it's time you started living # It's time you let someone do some giving # Love is all around no need to fake it # You can have a town, why don't you take it? # You're gonna make it after all. Uh, where are you going? Mom, I told you - I'm going to Dad's house for two weeks. No, you didn't, and you're not going. We've hardly spent any time together this summer. Now, you just go upstairs and unpack. OK, Mom, I thought about what you said, and you know that Monique is gonna be there 24/7 with Sebastian, so, I don't know, I was just thinking that maybe she could show me the ropes on the whole debutante thing. Oh, this is so exciting! Isn't it? You're gonna have so much fun. Now, there's the formal ball, of course, and the luncheon, and, oh, did I mention the fundraiser next week? It's gonna be a carnival. Look out! Now, your brother promised to be there, so remind him when you see him, alright? OK. Oh, my little girl. You're finally gonna be a lady. . Wait! Are you sure I can do this? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. BOY: What's up? Oh, my God! He knew! (Babbles rapidly) Would you relax?! He didn't know! He was being friendly! No, we're not going home! Just stop it! No, I did not spend all this time... It wasn't my idea! You asked me! I was a good friend. (Babbles rapidly) I did your hair and make-up, and that was not easy. That was not easy, Vi! You're being a girl! We're not going. Go. No, get out! He was being friendly. Alright! Now, let's run through it one more time. Let me hear the voice. (Clears throat) (Deep voice) Hey, what's up? I'm Sebastian. OK, now show me the strut. Now, hock a loogie. (Hoicks and spits) I'm so proud! (Giggles) Get off me! Remember... inside every girl, there's a boy. That came out wrong, but you know what I mean. Hey, Vi? Be a good boy. ( MARCHING BAND PLAYS ) (Mutters) I can do this. I am a dude. I am a hunky dude! I'm a bad-ass hunky dude! ( CELLO PLAYS ) (Boys call and shout) ( GLASS SHATTERS ) Hey. (Deep voice) HEY! What up? You must be my room-mates. (Chuckles) What...what's your name? Sebastian Hastings. Duke Orsino. DUKE: Um...um...OK. OK. OK. OK! Um, this is Andrew and Toby. They live next door. Yeah, freshmen dorm's thattaway, twiglet. Seriously, how old are you? I skipped a couple grades. (Laughs) (Whispers) I'm brilliant. Shh! Anyway, do you know when our soccer tryouts start? Noon. You play? Absolutely. Centre forward. You know it, bra? So, uh, you play the beautiful game...bro? Brothers? Brethren? (Laughs) Yeah, I'm a striker. Andrew and Toby are half-backs. Schveet! OK, why do you have tampons in your boot? Um...I get really bad nosebleeds. So you stick them up your nose? Yeah. What - you've never done that? Oh, my. Beckham does it all the time. Seriously? Yes. Look, I'll just show you how to do it. You take that off and whatever that is. And you stick it right in. It absorbs right up. (Boys laugh) Are you kidding me? That's disgusting. Oh, my God. Your room-mate's a freak. Let's start the season how we finished the last. Sharp! What are you - the runt of the family? OK, shirts and skins! (Clears throat) Pardon me, sir! I have to be a shirt. What? I'm allergic to the sun. You're allergic to the sun? Very, very, very deathly... deathly allergic. Well, we like to accommodate here at Illyria, so I'll follow you around with a parasol, alright, nancy boy? You're a shirt. OK, guys. Let's go. (Blows whistle) One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. (REGGAE MUSIC) At ease, gentlemen. I've seen a lot of energy and commitment out there today. And that makes a coach proud. Now, I wanna split us up into first-string and second-string. You second-stringers, don't take it too hard. You're just as much part of this team as the first-stringers - apart from, of course, the 'playing the game' part. Schuler. Heims. Potensky. Donner. Hastings. Second-string. The rest of you, congratulations. First-stringers. Now, hit the showers. Shower time. "Shower time"? COACH: Hastings! No shower for you. OK. Principal Gold wants to see you in his office. Mm-hm. I'm over, it's done - they know. Ow! Sebastian's file. Could it be any bigger? Mr Hastings? What? Horatio Gold, headmaster. So very pleased to meet you. So very, very pleased. Hello, sir. Heard you wanted to see me. I'd like to say welcome. (Sings) # Welcome to Illyria # Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome # Welcome, welcome welcome, welcome # Welcome, welcome to Illyria. # I just wanted to have you in to say welcome - see how you're doing. Oh, yeah, I'm doing great. You know, just busy being a guy. Being a guy. Yeah. Well, let's take a look at your file, Sebastian. ( FILING CABINET BANGS ) Hmm, it seems to be stuck a bit. There we go. Alright...OK. OK, you're busted. I know you don't wanna sit here and talk to the headmaster, but I'm not gonna take no for an answer. Now, have a sit in the headmaster's chair. Come on, have a sit. Sit it. So, Sebastian Hastings. How do you like campus? Beautiful. You being inspired by the charcoal black and candy apple red? You know it. (Taps plaque) Hey! Don't touch it, ever. Ever. Do not do that. You know, Sebastian, I was a transfer student myself - once upon a time, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth - so I keep a special interest in the transfer students that come to this school. Act as an...unofficial big brother. And don't be surprised if I don't just pop in unannounced from time to time just to check up. Yeah, I look forward to it. (Chuckles) Now, scoot! Oh, sorry. It's OK, don't worry about it. My fault. What is... Oh, getting to know the opposite sex, are we? Male-female dynamics. All that sexual tension - it's all part of the high school experience. Continue, continue, please, but keep it clean, though, OK? Abstinence is key. Abstinence is the best way to not...is to not. (Chuckles awkwardly) Uh...hmm? Yes. (Laughs) Is he always that friendly? Are you kidding? That's him being rude. Huh. Alright. Oooh, cute shoes. Oh, you think so? I got them at Anthropologie. No way! They have shoes there? Oh, yeah. Right by the accessories. Huh. (Clears throat) Here are your books. Thanks. Well, I guess I'm gonna, you know, go take care of some guy stuff. OK. Here you go. Have a great apple and sandwich. Hi. I would love a... No. Hey, dudes! Mind if I join? Thanks. So, those soccer tryouts were bogus, huh? I mean, second-string? Come on, that's ridiculous! Am I right? Am I right? So, the game against Cornwall, that should be interesting, huh? And why would that be interesting? Well, my sister goes there and she used to date that tool Justin Drayton. (All laugh) I know him! I made him cry once during a game. Wait - that was you? Yeah, absolutely. That was so funny. Wow. Is your sister hot? Er...I guess so. She's got a great personality. Eugh. (Coughs) Incoming. Oh, yeah. Check out the booty on that blondie. Uh-oh. Don't talk about her that way. Oh, that your girlfriend? (Laughs) He wishes! Until recently, she was dating this college guy, but he dumped her and I hear she's a total mess right now, like, really vulnerable. Confidence, self-esteem is way down. In man words, it's time to pounce. Exactly. Oh, I hate that guy. Did you know baloney is 38% hoof? Thanks, Malcolm. Uh-oh. Looks like you got some competition. It's just Malcolm. TOBY: Total geek. She looks so sad. It's heartbreaking. It just... I can relate, you know? I mean, I just got out of a bad relationship too. You think you know someone and you realise it's all been a big lie. Every touch. Every kiss. Plus, you know, you can never get chicks to shut up! Alright, guys, catch up with you later. . Empty shower. I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower. Whoo! (Gasps) Malcolm Feste, dorm director. Shower shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times, except when in the actual shower. Did you not read your dorm life pamphlet? It was in your cubby. (Cries out in pain) What's up, dog? Yeah. OK, homie. Later. Hey, you forgot...eugh... this, Coolio. Word, G-man. OK, Hastings! You're up! Hastings! Are you deaf?! Come on, let's go! Get your butt out there! COME ON! GET ON! Jesus! (Screams) Come on, baby. Come on. (Screams) (Boys laugh) (Coughs) Rise and shine! (Boys laugh and whoop) (Shrieks) Wait, let go! (Grunts) Let go! Welcome to hell! (Boys laugh and whoop) Gentlemen, let me present this year's soccer newbies! But, first, you must remove your clothes! BOYS: Remove your clothes! Remove your clothes! ( FIRE ALARM BLARES, WATER SPRAYS ) ( PHONE RINGS ) Hello. My life sucks. I'm done! What? Everybody thinks I'm a huge geek loser deviant. I'll never even see the field against Cornwall, and I smell so bad I'm convulsing people. Pick me up, take me home and make sure I never do anything like this again. Look, Vi, I don't know what to tell you about the whole...soccer team. But as for the social stuff, I got an idea. You do? Yeah. We're gonna show everybody the man that you really are. How are we gonna do that? Go, Viola. High five. Nice. Oh, man. Look who's here. Foxy mama. Don't look at him. Maybe he won't see us. Spread out so it looks like we got no room. What's up? What's up? Go, Kia. Hey, Sebastian! Mmm! Kia. Hey, girl. How you doing, baby? Not the same without you. I know. I'm sorry. New school, new babe pool. KIA: I miss you, Sebastian. I have been thinking about you a lot. OK. Did she just say that to Sebastian? What just happened? (Giggles) Sebastian. OK. Big mournful sigh. (Kia sighs) Bittersweet farewell. Really great to see you, Sebastian. Call me any time. (Sighs) Thank you, Kia, you're gorgeous. And go, Yvonne. Women. (Laughs) (Laughs nervously) Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Sebastian? Is that you? Hey, what's going on, Yvonne? OK. Who's this one now? I mean, our school lost its top gun - Sebastian Hastings. Well, the time comes for a man to move along, Yvonne. I know, Sebastian. In the end I wasn't woman enough for you. VIOLA: No, you weren't. And that's something I'll always have to live with. It just hurts, that's all. Love is pain. Just know...I'll never forget you, Sebastian. Mm-hm. Ever! Never! (Yvonne sobs) Needy. O...OK, OK. We might need to do a little re-evaluating here. Yeah. Hey there, pretty lady. Eugh! What...what - are you hitting on me? Uh, I was just... (Imitates stammer) OK, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours. (Laughs) I'm looking for my boyfriend Sebastian Hastings. Have you guys seen him? Uh... Sebastian? Not good. Don't let her get too close, she'll recognise you. What am I gonna do? Sebastian?! Keep away from me! I beg your pardon? Pretty ladies. OK, you know what? Don't come any closer, Monique! It's over! Hey! Hey... What are you talking about? I don't want to talk to you, crazy! Sebastian, come back here! You're hot, Monique! Smoking hot! Come here! (Exclaims) But there are plenty of hot girls out there! Talk to me now. And the truth is, you have absolutely nothing else to offer! And when my eyes are closed I see you for what you truly are - which is ugly! We're done! ( APPLAUSE ) (Monique screams) You the man! What's wrong with you guys? Scoot over and make some room for the man. Alright. Whoo-hoo-ee! You're officially my idol now, man. BOY: Here he is. (All clap) What's up, brothers? Hey, Sebastian. Lovelies! Yo, boy. Yo, Sebastian! Can you get out of my way right now? Uh, I need your advice, man. I got lady troubles. I'm here for you, bro. I got a lifetime of knowledge. How long did you date that girl for? Too long. Ball and frickin' chain, man. ( 'I'M A BARBIE GIRL' PLAYS ON PHONE ) Dude. Justine. Chick won't stop dogging me, man. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She's in our class. Dude. Quit blushing. That's lame. Shut up! I'm not blushing. WOMAN: Everyone, please take a slip and read off the name of your lab partner. (Reads) "Eunice Bates." You gotta be kidding me. Be nice! Yeah! She got a little something something. Yeah - asthma and headgear. (Reads) "Olivia Lennox." What - you know her? Talked to her for, like, a second. About what? She gave you the nod, dude. She did. A good one too. Could everybody please calm down? I can't believe she's your partner. Hey, switch with me. Switch with me. I can't! I said her name out loud. Some guys just walk in the light, you know. Hello again. Hello. I don't think we introduced ourselves before. I'm Sebastian. Olivia. I'm gonna be the best lab partner you ever had. (Wheezes nervously) Cool. I gotta be completely honest - the whole dissecting thing kind of freaks me out, so, uh, I think you may have to take the reins on this one. Wow. Most guys would never admit that. Oh, crap. You're right. No, don't worry. I think it's refreshing. You do? No paper near the Bunsen burner. Oh, wait... What's this? Poems? Lyrics. They're his... my...my old stuff. (Reads) "Wake up I've been waiting for you..." These are really good. So honest. I know. I keep telling him...me...meself...myself... I write songs too, Olivia. Really, Malcolm? That's wonderful. Yeah, check it out. (Sings in falsetto) # I see you through your window # I'm standing on a tree outside... # You - you sit. You, go. Go! Did you say anything about me? No. Was I supposed to? Come on! This - this is perfect. You get to spend an hour with her every other day. You can convince her to go out with me. Dude, she had that option for, like, 3.5 years. OK, I'll tell you what - you do this, I'll work with you on your soccer. I'll make you good enough to make first-string. By the Cornwall game? Absolutely. OK. Yeah...you got a deal. You're the man. Yes, I am. ( ALARM BLARES ) Oh, right. Ow! Oh, for the love of God! It burns! It just isn't fair, Malvolio. I wait three years for Olivia, and then some transfer student comes in and suddenly she's acting like some... ..obsessed, love-struck teenager. I'm not gonna take that lying down, Malvolio! Yeah, I know! I know! You're absolutely right. I'll do some digging, I'll find out what it is, and I'll nip his chances with Olivia right in the bud. (Spider chitters) What's that? Oh! Oh, yeah, sure. A walk. Sorry. Come on. You are so smart. ( PHONE RINGS ) Hello. Miss me? Hey, what's going on? What's wrong with your voice? (Clears throat) Oh, I just have a little bit of a cold. So... (Coughs) ..still a little phlegmy. Did you call my school? Yeah, I did. It's all taken care of. Just make sure you're back by the 12th. It was so cool, Vi. We went on a couple days early and the crowd flipped for us. They wanted an encore, so we did one of my songs acoustically. They went nuts for my lyrics. Oh, that's so cool. And you were right about Monique. She's history. Oh, she really is, isn't she? Oh, I gotta go, though. Talk to you later. OK. 'Bye. Trouble with your wig, Hastings? Uh, no. I actually...I have a scalp condition. (Laughs nervously) No, you don't. Yeah, I do. I, uh, really do. It's, um... It's really acting up during the... No, you don't. You've got male pattern baldness. Scoot over, kiddo. I don't know if you've realised, but recently I've started to thin out myself. And I've tried all the creams and the butters and... ..I still can't seem to stop Mother Nature's vindictive fury, and neither can you, OK? There's gonna be a time when you're gonna have to come out of the closet and just accept yourself for who you are - a baldy. OK? But it's gonna be alright, OK? Oh, and between you and me, chicks dig it. (Laughs) (Growls) Hang 10. Yeah. I don't want you to be worried, but Malvolio's missing. Oh, no. Yeah. If you see him, don't feed him - he has an irritable bowel. Yeah, 'cause that would be my very first instinct - to feed the tarantula. (Laughs) Here's a wild idea. Have you ever thought about going out with Duke Orsino? I...I see that. 'Duke'? Yeah! No. Yeah. No, no, no... Yeah! Yeah? No! (Laughs) I mean, he's good-looking and everything, but he's just not the guy for me. Hmm. I don't know. I think there may be more to him than you think there is. OK - so you're telling me he's not just another dumb jock who wants to hook up with me so he can tell all his friends... But too insecure to treat you as an equal? Exactly. Tell me about it. I think you're the first guy at this school who hasn't tried anything with me. (Laughs) Trust me, you're not my type. Well, why not? (Clears throat) You know, it's just... ..I don't think of you in that way. We're friends, you know. You're actually one of the few people here that I feel comfortable around. I feel the same way about you. Good. Then just take my advice - go out with Duke. I'll consider it. So, uh, what...what is that, exactly? Um, I think that's the spleen. Oh. . OK. Who's your daddy? Huh? I got her to agree to consider you - you're halfway in, man. Oh! Um... Uh, OK. Wh... So, should I ask her out? No! You don't wanna freak her out! You gotta have a casual conversation first. Hello! Why do I get the feeling you don't do this very often? I just...I'm not really good at talking to girls. Why? You're hot! What? (Clears throat) You know, you're an appealing guy...man...guy...guy man. Look, I don't know. I just always say the wrong... (Sighs) ..I just always say the wrong thing. OK. Alright, come on. Let's get up. I wanna try something where I'm gonna act like a girl and you're gonna talk to me, OK? Eugh! Do I have to? Yes! (Sweetly) 'Cause I'm Viola. Duke, nice to meet you. OK, that was creepy. You really just sounded like a girl just then. I used to imitate my sister all the time. I got really good at it. Come on. Get up! Come on! (Laughs) Ask me some questions, and if the chemistry's right things will just start flowing. Mmm. O... Um, questions about what? Anything. Ask me if I like...cheese. Um, OK. Do you like...cheese? Why, yes, I do. My favourite's gouda. OK... (Laughs) I like gouda too. See? See what? We're flowing! We're talking about...cheese! So what?! Flow is flow. What? What's that? What is that?! (Screams) It touched me! It touched me! (Screams) (Screams) Get it! YOU get it! You're the guy! Uh...the bigger guy! (Both scream) (Both sob hysterically) (Both scream) Sorry! You! You don't ever, ever do that girl voice again! Freaked me out. My bad. ( PHONE RINGS ) (Both scream) (On message service) Sebastian, honey, this is your mother. I'm just calling to remind you about the carnival tomorrow. You and your sister promised you'd both be there. Bye-bye. Crap! I forgot about that! Wait - your mom's in junior league? Yeah! How'd you know? So is mine. I gotta go too. (Groans) But I can't deal with this right now - I have soccer to worry about. Not gonna be that bad. Olivia's gonna be there. It's a perfect opportunity for me to lay some groundwork. Oh, "Olivia's gonna be there". And my sister and Monique and you and my mom. Great. Hey, dude. I will cut you, man. Alright. I'm gonna tell you the truth. I never really liked carnivals. Hey. I'm working the kissing booth. Come see me. I love carnivals, man. Hey, Duke, where are you going? Where do you think I'm going? Uh-oh. What's up? Oh, nothing. Um, just my psycho ex, so I don't really want to deal with her, so if you guys don't mind I'm gonna lay low for a little while. TOBY: Alright, cool. Catch you later. OK. I see a kitten gasping for air. Sorry. Pretty urgent. It's all yours. Hi, Mom! Oh! You look like such a lady! It's a miracle. It really is. So, Monique's getting you all excited about being a debutante? Super-duper excited. Have a good carnival. Oh... Hold, my little petunia. Where do you think you're going? You have the next shift at the kissing booth, and where's your brother? He's late for the cotton candy cart. I'm gonna go look for him. OK. 'Bye. Ow! Sorry. Wait - do I know you? No. Excuse me. Viola! Hey, hey, hey! Where you been? I've been calling and calling. I miss you. We need to talk. We've talked, Justin. All the talking is done. Look, no-one breaks up over a stupid soccer issue, OK? Can you just be a girl for five seconds, huh? "For five seconds"? OK. Um, first of all, it's not a stupid soccer issue, and you're a jerk. Oh, look at that! Time's up! Excuse me! Sorry! One, please! Stay in school. Sebastian? Sebastian?! Sebastian! (Whispers) Monique's behind me. We're on it. MONIQUE: Sebastian! Excuse me. No-one over eight years old's allowed inside the Moon Bounce. I just saw my boyfriend go in there. I believe the correct term is ex-boyfriend. No relationship is over until I say it is. Understand? Whatever. You're still not getting on that Moon Bounce. Fine. What's that? Kia, don't look. Arggh! She's gone. Thank you. So, are we having fun? Oh, yeah. Whoo. What do you think it's gonna be like? Duke, you look at me - I know it's gonna be really, really special. She's only kissed, like, 350 guys at this point. I just think we need to acknowledge the moment. After four years, Duke is finally gonna fulfil his destiny. Life is good! Life is...fair. Life is...just. Hi, um, I'm your relief. And yet... Thank God. I can't catch a break. Beware of the old guy chewing gum. It's not gum. Eugh! Do I know you? No. Huh. That's just my luck. No, no, no. I mean, I didn't... I didn't mean it like that. It's just, you know, she's...you know. No. OK. I mean, on the other hand, you're you know also. I am? Thanks, I...guess. Yeah. You don't have to flirt with her first, OK, genius? You're paying for it. Why don't you just... ..relax. Um...I don't... Maybe I should kiss you now. I gave that girl my ticket and I waited in line. Well, it's the least I can do. Uh, OK. Here I go. Um... Uh, excuse me, the hotel's across the street. Viola, what the hell is this? Back of the line, buttball. Excuse me, doofus. You're making out with my girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Whoa. You're... you're Sebastian's sister? And you're about to die. (Laughs) What are you gonna do - drown me in your tears? I did not cry. I had something in my eye. OK, you know what, guys? Can we, um, just dial it down and just step away? OK? You know what? She's right. I'm gonna see you on the soccer field and we'll settle this all then. OK, Duke. Or we can straighten it out right here. VIOLA: Stop it! Justin! Excuse me. I'm so sorry! (Gasps) Viola, stop! This isn't ladylike. WOMAN: There is no room for violence here! This is a lovely children's carnival, goddammit! Both of you, out now! . DUKE: Where were you at today? You just disappeared. Ran into my psycho ex and had to bolt. Oh, my God! Is that a... What? Oh, yeah. (Laughs) I hope you don't mind. I kind of borrowed one of your... Yeah. And you're right, by the way. These things actually work. Oh, my God, you're bleeding! Are you OK? Um... (Clears throat) I mean, suck it up! Be a man! Rub some dirt in it! OK. I'll rub some dirt on it. So, what happened? I got into it with your sister's ex. Wait...really? Why? He saw me and her kind of... making out at the kissing booth. Wait - you kissed her? Yeah, man, I'm... I hope that's OK. It was for charity. Oh, no. I mean, dude... If you wanna kiss her, you go right ahead and you kiss her! I mean, knock yourself out! I mean, you just take her and then...kiss her and then kiss the crap out of her. OK. So... (Clears throat) ..do you like her? I don't know. Can...we not talk about this? It's...I don't know. She's your sister. It's kind of weird. No, right, right. Just... You know, I was just thinking that if you liked her, then...maybe you should ask her out. And just, I don't know, forget about Olivia? Well, I mean, speaking as a completely objective third-party outsider with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I am not sure that you and Olivia really mesh well together, you know? I mean... But you and Viola... I mean, it would be magic. I don't know. What does your heart tell you? Huh? I mean, which one would you rather see naked? Why do you... Why? Why do you always do that? Why do you always talk about girls in such graphic terms? Huh? You know what? You have issues. You're a really sensitive guy, aren't you? What? No! No, it's just... I don't know. I just... Look... I just think that a relationship should be more than just the physical stuff. Like...I mean, don't get me wrong. That stuff's important, but... I don't know - when I'm with someone I wanna be able to talk about other stuff. Like serious stuff. Stuff I can't talk about, you know, with anyone else. Yeah? Like, what kind of stuff? I don't know. Just...stuff. Like...whatever stuff there is. Like...this kind of stuff? Yeah. But what I just told you is for your ears only. If you tell anyone I'll kick your ass. Yeah, no. I got your back, man. It's cool. Oh! Whoa! Um, how's your sister? (Grunts with effort) Whoo! Good. Why? I don't know. I...kind of was thinking I might ask if she wanted to grab dinner at Cesario's tonight. You were? Really? I'd love to. What? (Clears throat) I'd love to give her your phone number. Hastings! Yeah, Coach? You're first-string for the Cornwall game. Really? No. I was joking, you idiot. Dude, that's awesome. (Laughs) Um...um...dude. (Clears throat) (Deep voice) So, want me to spot you? No. (Sighs) Isn't he cute? Duke? Yeah. No! Sebastian. He's so cool. But he said I'm not his type. What - that's impossible? You're everyone's type. Not his. I could tell you what us mere mortals would do in this situation. What? Make him jealous. So, what do you do? You just pretend to like somebody else? Mm-hm. And then use him shamelessly. Wow. So, uh, you should... you should call Viola up. Yeah. I think I will. Hey, Duke. Sebastian. Olivia. Olivia. What are you bench pressing these days, Duke? 225? Very impressive. (Laughs nervously) Thanks. So, um... (Clears throat) ..Duke, about that call you were gonna make. You gonna make that? Yeah, thank you. So, how many reps can you do with that 225? Like...20...20. 225 is more than twice what I weigh. How many reps could you do with me? 40. ( PHONE RINGS ) Hello. Hi. It's Viola. Sebastian told me to call you. I'd love to go to dinner. Um, yeah... What? Um... I... Can I call you back, 'cause I gotta...change my feet? OLIVIA: So, uh, do you have any plans tonight? (Clears throat) Oh! My bad. What about the thing that we talked about that you were gonna do later? What thing? I'm thingless. Great. Then it's a date. Cesario's, eight o'clock. I'll see you there. 'Bye, Sebastian. Later. Yeah! You did it! I'm going out with Olivia! What the hell? I thought you liked Viola now. Dude, come on. You're a guy. What would you do if the hottest girl in school came up to you and asked you on a date? Hmm? Hmm? I'll be right back. Olivia, hi. Can I...can I talk to you for a second? Uh, moi? Whatever for? It's about your date with Duke. Oh, I know! I am so glad I listened to you. You're right! He's awesome. And he looked so good in those shorts. Whoo! He's not a piece of meat, Olivia. He's a man. A man with feelings. And I'm a woman with feelings, and my feelings seem to match his. You know what? Speaking as a completely objective third-party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I'm not so sure that you and Duke are a good idea after all. Well, thank you for your concern, and if you're so worried, maybe you should come to Cesario's tonight. Just to...keep an eye on me. We could double. I bet Eunice is available! I'm so there it's insane. . SONG: # Wake up # I have been waiting for you... # So, do you like cheese? Hey, you two! What's going on? Dude, you're here! Uh, with Eunice. Mind if we join? OLIVIA: No, sit down! DUKE: No, no, no. Here. BOTH: Waiter! So, um, I was just telling Duke how great it is to meet a real man at this school. Uh...you were? Well, I was just about to. Isn't it great to have a real man around, Eunice? Oh, yes. A real man is difficult to find. So difficult. Sebastian's with Eunice! She must be hotter than I thought she was. How come when I wanted to ask out Eunice everyone made fun of me, but now Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school. Right, you know what? This has been real fun, but I have to go...shave. OK. Well, this has been...lovely. Um, let's do it again sometime. What? Soon. 'Bye. So, um...do you like cheese? More than almost any other animal by-product. Yeah. Check, please? Hey, Monique. It's Sebastian. I don't know if Viola told you I'm in London, but I'm heading home a day early. Listen, I've been thinking, and we really need to talk. Ladies! Ladies. Welcome. My name is Cheryl Lancaster and I'm president of the Stratford Junior League and coordinator of this year's debutante season. Oh, please. Thank you. Today we're going to go over the guidelines for a graceful, ladylike entree into society. (All gasp) Sonofa... Hello. Hello there. ( CRASH! ) Make sure she's in the back for the group photo. Thank you for joining us, Viola. Now, who's ready to come out? Kill me. Viola...darling. (Grunts) Remember, chew like you have a secret. (Viola slurps soup) (Muffled) Ladies. Hi. Hi. Hey - you're the one that saved me in the kissing booth that one time, right? Oh, hi! Hi! Oh, what a small world. I'm Viola. Olivia. Nice to meet you. You too. (Clears throat) So, uh... Oh, I know it's none of my business, but you went out with that Duke Orsino guy, right? Yeah...once. (Laughs falsely) Did you kiss him? No. Why? Oh. Oh, no, it's nothing. But...just try to postpone it as long as possible. He has this...salivary gland condition. Yeah, he doesn't really like to talk about it, but...it felt like I was drowning. Really? Mmm. Oh, my God. Eugh. I know. It was repulsive. But, hey, every happiness to you both. Uh...no, um... Actually, I don't really like Duke. Um, I have this huge thing for his room-mate, Sebastian, and I was just trying to make Sebastian jealous. Oh, boy. Yeah, I know. It's really wrong to use a person this way and I feel really terrible about it, but...I really, really like Sebastian. He's so handsome. And he's not the goonish kind of handsome you see in a lot of guys. He's delicate - like even refined handsome, you know. Oh, and when he smiles I just can't stop looking at him. He's just so wonderful. You know, Olivia... It's Olivia, right? I wanna give you just a little advice. OK. Enough is enough! You are weaving a really tangled web. Yeah. Like, really, really tangled. And, honey, you gotta stop, OK? So you just gotta tell everybody the truth, be very, very honest - just let the chips fall where they may. You're right. I know. The next time I see Sebastian I am gonna march right up to him... You march! And I'm gonna tell him how I feel. You tell him. And then I'm gonna kiss him so passionately... What? ..that even the people he hates will feel pleasure. Hello, Viola. Oh, this is not good. And hello to you, you little home wrecker. Uh, who are you? I am Sebastian's girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. OK. Everybody's gotta stop saying that. Oh, you were the one he dumped in the pizza parlour the other day. No, no, no, no, no. He did not dump me. We're just going through a little bit of a rough patch. Oh, I heard he dumped you. He dumped you big. It was just like a big, huge dumping. (Screams) Are you crazy?! Are you OK? You are messing with the wrong man! ( SCREAMING ) Get off of me! SCREAMING, ALL GASP Ladies! Ladies, stop! Please! When debutantes disagree, they say it with their eyes. Viola Hastings, why is it that I always find you in the middle of a tussle? Bad timing? . I'm convinced he's hiding something. Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down, he's an all-American, red-blooded male, just like yourself. VIOLA: Mom, I'll pick out my own dress! And, no, I will not wear heels! Because heels are a male invention designed to make a woman's butt look smaller. And to make it harder for them to run away. Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels? No, sir, I... Not that easy. Not that easy. MAN: Don't forget your guitar, Mr Hastings. Just do it. Just close your eyes and kiss him. Sebastian. (Recites) "Wake up - I've been waiting for you to open your eyes "So I can tell you that I think I'm ready "I'm ready to free fall into the unknown." I'll see you at the game tomorrow. I think I'm gonna like this school. ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, Monique. It's Sebastian. I don't know if Viola told you I'm in London, but I'm heading home a day early. Listen, I've been thinking, we really need to talk. 'London'?! (Shouts angrily) Hey, brother. Dinklage is looking for you, man. Duke. Hello. You know, it's, um, crazy how wrong you can be about a person. It's crazy. You know, you think that they're one thing and then they turn out to be the exact opposite. OK, what are you talking about? You're gonna act like you don't know what I'm talking about? OK. Alright. OK. I wanted to tell you, Duke, but... ..you have to know I love soccer more than anything else in the world and I had a point to prove! What - so you're telling me that you used me to help you with soccer and then you're gonna turn around and stab me in the back?! Wait - what?! Now I really don't even know what you're talking about. You know what? Save it, man. Look, I saw you with her. With who?! With who? Olivia! That's who! I saw you kissing her when you got out the cab! 'Cab'?! What cab?! We were supposed to be friends! We ARE friends! You don't even know the word. OK! Olivia never liked you, OK? She was just using you to make me jealous. But Viola, she's crazy about you and she has been since the first moment that you kissed her... I bet that's part of your plan. Distract me so you can move in. No, that is not what happened! You and your sister have a good life! Duke! (Malcolm reads) "The Hastings twins couldn't be more opposite." Twins? MONIQUE: Sebastian? 'Sebastian'? (Bangs at door) Sebastian, open up! It's Monique! You have got a lot of explaining to do, followed by a very long night of grovelling. He's not here! And take his stupid cellphone. Justine calls every 10 seconds. This isn't Sebastian's phone! Sebastian! Sebastian! Eugh! Eugh! Can I help? ( PHONE RINGS ) Hello. JUSTIN: Viola! Baby. It's Justin. The big game's tomorrow and... Viola. Allow me to introduce myself. 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007... Nice night. ..2008. Hey, Eunice. Sorry about running out on our date the other night. That's OK. My intensity scares some people. Yeah. Something wrong? I got thrown out of my room. You mean, you need a place to sleep? I really do. The Cornwall game is tomorrow. I've never had a room-mate before. Wow! Vi, you set up all my stuff. Thanks. ( ALARM BLARES ) You're absolutely certain about this? BOTH: Yes, sir. We are. Dude, what are you doing?! Sebastian, the game's about to start! Get out of bed and get on the soccer field, man! The soccer game? That's what that girl was talking about. Sebastian! You're next! Hurry up. GIRL: Come over here! I'll do you. OK, ladies! Listen up! Where's Hastings? (Screams) Eunice... (Clears throat) Eunice! Why didn't you wake me?! You looked so serene. I made breakfast, darling. MAN: Pardon me. What is the big emergency? I cancelled my squash game for this. I don't know. All that Principal Gold said was that we were needed at Sebastian's soccer game. Hasn't Viola said anything to you the past couple of weeks? How should I know? She's been living with you! Hasn't she? Excuse me. This is so exciting, you guys. ANNOUNCER: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Today, the biggest rivalry in our district is afoot. Illyria versus Cornwall. It's gonna be something else, and the atmosphere is crazy! MAN: Afternoon, gentlemen. Handshake, please. Alright. Your call. Heads. Heads it is. We stay as we are. Good game, gentlemen. How's your jaw? DUKE: Alright! Let's get it on! Get it on! JUSTIN: Listen to me - we can do this. Today is the day Cornwall beats Illyria. ALL: Yeah! I ain't got much to say you, except for who's gonna bring that blood and pain? JUSTIN: This ain't gonna be no game. This is a war! Who's gonna bring that blood and pain?! (All chant) One, two, three, Cornwall! (All scream) Alright! Here we go! ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) COACH: Hastings! What the hell is going on?! Nice move, moron. What?! This can't be happening. Sebastian? Get up and get back in there! Get the ball! Oh, my God! This is my game! What the hell am I doing here? This isn't fun. You're like Bambi on ice, boy! Sebastian! Sebastian! ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) Can I get a time-out, please? A pause? One brief...um... Half-time. There's... Stopping the clock! Yeah, that's it. Stop the clock. What the...? ( CROWD MURMURS ) PRINCIPAL: Armadillos! Fighting Armadillos, please gather round. I played soccer once as a young man. Or was it chess? Is there a problem, Principal? Yes. Unfortunately there is. But I think it's only right that Sebastian Hastings tell you himself. Sebastian, son, or... Do you have anything you'd like to say? Uh... Sorry I'm not a very good soccer player? I see. Well, then, please know that what I say, I say with a heavy heart. Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed alumni, friends and family of Sebastian Hastings, I am grievously sad to inform you that Sebastian Hastings is...a girl. ( LAUGHTER ) I'm sorry. It's for your own good. You'll thank me for it some day. We'll... Oh, OK. Certainly. Uh, excuse me. I'm not a girl. Oh, hello. Yes. In fact, yes, he is. He's a big girl. He's actually, specifically, his own sister, Viola, who's been impersonating him for reasons which will become very clear after extensive psychoanalysis. Uh, folks, I'm a boy! I promise! Prove it. OK. Oh! Dude! Nice work, Paul. Wow! Thank you. Thank you. Uh, nothing to see here. No offence. Folks, please hang on for one second. Just talk amongst yourselves for a second. (Loudly) Malcolm! Can you shed some light on the current situation? Not any more than has already... been shed, sir. OK, lads. Listen up, now. Now that we've established this boy is a boy... ..is it possible we can get back to our game? (Laughs nervously) Yes. Oh, um, enjoy. That was a skit we.... OK. Yeah. COACH: Let's get to it, guys. Come on. ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) Baby! Baby, baby, baby. I have missed you so much. Oh, my God! We are both so dead. We're over, Monique. Done. God! Not again! Good work, Hastings. Bench. (WHISPERS) There's our manager Neville. He's super picky. (WHISPERS) There's no fault he can't see or crack he won't spot. And no conversation he can't hear. . Good one! ( CROWD CHEERS ) Half-time, gentlemen. Sebastian! Vi? Yes! Why do you look like me? I pretended to be you for the last two weeks so I could prove I could play in the boys' soccer team. Oh. Yes. OK. OK, cool. No, wait. What?! I don't have time to explain right now! Why are you wearing my uniform? I just came here to find the amazing girl that kissed me last night. Wait! Who kissed you? What girl? Check it out. That one. Olivia? She was all over me. She kissed me and then recited my own lyrics. Vi, this may be the girl of my dreams. That's the kiss that Duke saw! Wait - are those real? Oh, yeah, I'm growing sideburns now! No! OK. Please stay hidden until the end of the game and give me my uniform back right now! ANNOUNCER: And, ladies and gentlemen, we start the second half. Illyria 0, Cornwall 0. Nothing but a couple of goose eggs. Coach, I'm ready to play. Is that what you call it? I've seen little girls in tutus kick the ball better than you. I've changed. Come on, Coach, give me one more chance! Alright. Go. Kick! Kill! ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) Yeah! Now, that's Viola! You couldn't score on me in the first half! You ain't gonna score on me this half, baby. I'm a ninja! Ninja goalie! Come on, guys. VIOLA: Duke! Duke! I'm open! Give me the ball! Duke! Hey, over here! VIOLA: I'm open! Duke! Get back! Get back! No! Yes! Way to go, baby! And Cornwall's right back in it with a goal. ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) What's the matter with you, man? Sebastian was wide open! You gonna let 'em score? Shut up, man. Duke, I know you're mad at me. Don't talk to me, man. I didn't do what you think I did! Get out of my face! Nothing is going on with me and Olivia. When the game's over I'll explain everything, but for right now, you don't have to like me, but I'm your team-mate. And I want to beat these guys. I have to beat these guys. If we're not disturbing you, we have a soccer game we'd like to finish. Get back in the net, man. Or what? You're gonna hit my fist with your face? Stop it. Duke, stop it! Sebastian! COACH: OK! PRINCIPAL: OK, if you want to rough-house, please take it at least 500 yards away from the school grounds. OK, tough guys. You wanna box, get out of my stadium. Otherwise, get on with the game, alright? PRINCIPAL: Come on now, Armadillos of Illyria. That goes for the rest of ya! Now, get on and play some real football! A bunch of girls. PRINCIPAL: OK, the rest of you, let's get on and play some real football like a bunch of girls, alright? BOY: You suck! Pack it in! Get out of here. PRINCIPAL: ..it's not football, it's soccer. That's what we call it in the States. OLIVIA: Sebastian! Uh-oh. Are you OK? No, Olivia. Not now. Why don't you tell me again there's nothing going on between you two? There is nothing going on between me and Olivia! What about last night? I didn't lie to you, Duke. I did, but not about this. Here's the truth. I love you. BOY: Huh? OLIVIA: I beg your pardon? What?! Alright, what are you... That's just a little weird. OK, you know what? I can't do this anymore. Everybody, I have something to tell you. I'm not Sebastian. I'm Viola. Wait a minute. You're not Viola. Yes, I am. No, I know Viola. I kissed Viola. You kissed me. What...what are you talking about? I didn't...I didn't kiss you. The girls' team at Cornwall got cut and the guys wouldn't let me go out for their team. So, I've been pretending to be my brother while he was in London for the past two weeks... Ow! ..so I could make the team and beat Cornwall. Ow! But...my brother came home early and that's who you saw kissing Olivia and that's who played the first half. Just because you wear a wig doesn't prove you're a girl. OK, then. Merciful Jesus. Viola? Is it just me, or does this soccer game have more nudity than most? OK. Wait a minute. If I kissed your brother, where is he? He's probably halfway to China by now. He showed his willis and doodleberries... Present. Oh, hi. OK. This is freaking me out. Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to say I told you so, but... Ow! See, Duke? I didn't betray you. I'm sorry. This isn't how I wanted it to happen, and I didn't want to hurt you, but...I just wanted to prove that I was good enough. All I'm asking for is a chance. Duke? It's just like what Coach says before every game... .."Be not afraid of greatness. "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, "and some...have greatness thrust upon them." I think the best chance for us to be great here today is to have you play. (Team cheers) Yeah, yeah! NO! No playing! You have to forfeit! There's no girls in this league. Here - look in the manual. What manual? Listen, pal, you're in Illyria. We don't discriminate... based on gender. Alright. That's gonna bruise. Fine. You really think you can beat us with a girl on your team? (Boys laugh) This will be fun. Go. I get to say the last word, not you. Go. OK, team...let's go, kick, kill! Yeah! ANNOUNCER: Well, folks, this is a real nail-biter. It's a tied score at the bottom of the second half. ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) Come on, come on! Open up. ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) What? REFEREE: Foul. That's not a foul! He got all ball! And the penalty kick will decide the game. Where are you gonna kick it? Right here, aren't you? I know you're gonna kick it there. Am I in your head? Am I in your head? See the goal - it's getting smaller, I'm getting bigger. (Voice echoes) Come on! I love you. Concentrate! Don't kick like a girl! It's not gonna happen. You're a loser! This is mine! You're pathetic. I'm in your head. (Laughs) ( WHISTLE BLOWS ) (All cheer) That's my girl! My girl! Whoo! Yeah! It's not fair! It's not fair! That was a lucky shot! I never wanna see you again! You suck! (Wails) I am so proud of you. You're making a video?! You just scored the game-winning goal against Cornwall. Say something. Mom? Dad? (Laughs) Wow! That was really something. Thanks, Dad. You did all this to play soccer? I told you - it's important to me. If Viola was here, pretending to be you, where were you? Oh, he was... I was in London, playing my music. BOTH: 'London'?! It was important to me. Now you know you should call before you... (Both shout at once) Hey! Why don't we go to dinner - as a family? Maybe tomorrow. I suppose I could fit that in. Would you like to have my cellphone number? Let me give you my email. Hey! Good job. Oh, wait. There's somebody I want you to officially meet. Sebastian Hastings, Olivia Lennox. SEBASTIAN: It's very nice to meet you. So, uh... Eunice. Toby. I have something to say. I think you are...amazing. And I'm not ashamed of it. I know tricks. Oh, Eunice. Hey, roomie. This is for you. (Reads) "The Stratford Junior League invites you "to the 38th annual debutante ball." He still could show, you know. You didn't see his face. I found the perfect dress. Aw, thanks, Mom, but I don't think I'm gonna get a chance to wear it. Nonsense. You don't need a man to wear a beautiful dress. But it doesn't hurt. Viola Hastings, it would be my honour to escort you tonight. Thanks, Paul. That's really sweet. WOMAN: Caterpillars! Caterpillars! My precious caterpillars! In 20 minutes you'll all be beautiful butterflies. BOTH: Caterpillars! Caterpillars! You look beautiful. I just...I gotta get some air. ( FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ) I didn't think you'd show up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something. I gotta turn the sprinklers on. Sorry. Hi. Hi. So, what brings you here? Well, a few days ago I kissed this girl at a kissing booth. And now...I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Neither can she. Plus, I miss my room-mate. I really liked him. Well, he's right in here. Listen, I know I should have told you who I was, but...I was afraid. Sorry. Well, you know, maybe if I'd have known you were a girl we wouldn't have talked like we did... ..and got to know each other the same way. And that would have been a shame. Just so you know, everything you told me when I was a guy just...made me like you so much more as a girl. OK, but just from here on in, everything will just be a lot easier if you stayed a girl. (Laughs) I promise. CHERYL: Monique Valentine, escorted by Justin Drayton. ( APPLAUSE ) BOY: Justin, you're the man! Olivia Lennox, escorted by Sebastian Hastings. Viola Hastings, escorted by Paul Antonio. Viola Hastings... (Whispers) This is typical. Well, where is she? Whoo! www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016