D-ohh! (screams) (tyres screeching) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (thunder crashing) Let's get started. First, I'd like to announce that thanks to the magic of Disney Animatronics Strom Thurmond will live another hundred years. 20 more terms. Moving on to new business, what act of unmitigated evil shall the Republican Party undertake this week? Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! You've already done enough, Nader. Let's get rid of PBS. Those lousy Muppets have been taking food out of my mouth for too long. I say we crack down on the hippies. Bleh! What about this dang environment? Back in Texas, we got rid of it and it made everyone a lot happier. (all murmur approvingly) Excellent. We shall gut the environment by scrapping every anti-pollution law. Now, Bob Dole will read from the Necronomicon. "Ezak gusuri goloneth "maledictu nosferamus en principi..." In addition, the administration has declared recycling a felony. And Smokey the Bear is now Choppy the Lumberjack. These trees are our national heritage. (growls) (chuckles) A grizzly bear with a chainsaw. Now there's a killing machine. (pained hooting) Stop endangering yourself. Stop endangering yourself. (gurgling) (sizzling and crackling) (gasping) Good Lord. Acid rain! # I'm singin' in the rain # # Just singin' in the rain # # What a glorious feeling... # (thunder cracks) Ach! It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax. (agonised yelling) Hmm, we better stay inside. At least until the squirrels stop melting. No problem. There's plenty of activities inside. Now let's see how our blind dates liked each other. Oh, I really felt there was a connection and I would definitely go out with her again. He smelled like puke. (metallic crash) The TV! (anguished scream) (sizzling) (louder anguished scream) (anguished scream) (loud anguished scream) (louder anguished scream) Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me. We don't need TV to have family fun. Why don't we play Monopoly? Which version? We've got "Star Wars Monopoly Rasta-Mon-opoly Galip-olopoly Edna Krabappoly..." Let's stick to original Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is. How can an iron be a landlord? Pennsylvania Avenue. I want to buy a house. Hey, where'd they go? New shooter. (chuckles sadistically) That's it, baby. Welcome to Marvin Gardens. Oh, we'll see about that. One, two, three... D-ohh! You're a little light here, Dad. I'm good for the rest. You know I am. Well, I'd like to trust you, Homer but you've been in jail three times. They told me it would be like this on the outside. These hotels are made of Legos. Bart, you're cheating. Lisa, it was probably an accident. Oh, sure, you take his side just 'cause he bought you that house on St. James Place. Who else is going to take care of her... Dad? Why, you little...! (gagging) Stop fighting. Mom, that's not how you pry them apart. I've been prying them apart since before you were born. (grunting) (Bart groaning) HOMER: ...said I can't take care of my family...! (beeping) OK, everyone turn to the left. Oh, come on, people. The Prison Nutcracker Suite is one week away and I don't see five Sugarplums. I see five guys who don't know their moves and don't seem to care. There, I said it. (phone rings) That better be wardrobe, and it better be good news. Hello. (Homer and Bart grunting) It sounds like a domestic disturbance. All right, we'll be right back, and don't try anything because Johanssen there is a snitch. (snickers) Another case of Monopoly-related violence, Chief. (clucks tongue) How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night? We better send in the Negotia-bot. (all grunting) (soothingly): I am Brenda. I am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner. (yelling): Destroy, destroy! (grunting) Hey, this is taffy. Police brutality! Mmm, and chew-tality. (gulping) Mmm! Nice work, Brenda. I'll take it from here. No way. This is my collar. Heh, too bad real women don't come with these, huh? (officers chuckling) You got that right. Quiet, you. That counts as your phone call. First, I'd like to announce that thanks to the magic of Disney Animatronics 1 Thanks a lot, everybody. Now I'll never get into an Ivy League school. (sing-songy): You're going to Stanford! You're going to Stanford! You're going to Stanford! Take it back! Take it back! Stanford. This family has hit rock bottom. Hello. I'm Gabriel. (heavenly music plays) (gasps) A heavenly choir. You must be an angel. (chuckles) No. That's my pager. I'm a social worker. I'm here to help you stop fighting and become a family again. No, you are an angel. Like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife or Will Smith in Bagger Vance or Slimer in Ghostbusters. Sir, we know you're not an angel. My husband sees too many movies. Don't blame me. Blame Tinseltown and its second golden age. May it never end. In a difficult case like this I like to observe each family member individually. Well, my room is my sanctuary. My family knows that and respects that. I got sprayed by a skunk! Let me rub it off on your sweaters. Just ten more years. Just ten more years. Just ten more years. Attention, everyone. This is Gabriel, my personal social worker. He has to be here. I'm just that nuts. (impressed murmurings) Thank you, Marge. You sure do love cooking. Food keeps my family happy so I make a few practice dinners before show time. 'Cause at 6:00, we go live! Ah! OK, Gabriel, this is a bar. It's where I go to drink alcohol-- which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia. Homer, I am not an angel! (scoffs) Well, not with that temper. (slurring): Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, girl-Bart the one who doesn't talk and the fat guy. How I loathe him! (thudding) OK, why are we in the woods? Is this heaven? No. I brought you out here to shake off your negative behaviour patterns. Marge, you medicate your family with food. Bart, you'll do anything for attention. Cut that out! They chose me. Homer, your problem is quite simple. You're a drunken, childish buffoon. Which is society's fault, because... It's your fault, Homer. But I've got an exercise that will help all of you break out of the roles you're stuck in. Who feels like lunch? Me. Me. Right here. Me, too. Good. I hung it on the top of that tree. But how are we supposed to get it? You'll just have to cooperate. Cooperate?! Well, this is one family that doesn't swing that way. Are you sure? I made roast beef sandwiches, one falafel... Thank you. ...and plenty of beer. Give me that beer! (engine roaring) (thudding) (screaming) Gabriel, are you OK? Yes, but I'm afraid your lunch has attracted some unwanted visitors. (growling) (howling) We've got to do something, but what? OK, family huddle. (quietly): Here's how it's going to go down. As a family, we drive away. We cover for each other... as a family. It's what Gabriel would've wanted. Look, we can't fall into old patterns. We've got to think of a plan. (quietly): OK, but talk like this. (quietly): Fine, I'll talk like this. (loudly): What? Look, Gabriel! We're learning to work together! That's great, but so are the wolves and cougars. (hushed growls) (hushed growling) Dad's on the log. Now Mom, you get the car and pull them to safety. (screams) Oh. My driving ankle! Bart, I know this sounds crazy but do you think you can drive the car? OK, but it's my first time. Here's the keys. I got a set. Now, Bart! (animals growling) (growling) (screams) Give them the food! (growling) Oh, no! The roast beef is making them stronger and the falafel is making them angrier! (growling) Give them the beer! (growling) It will impair their motor skills. No! I will never...! Oh, wait, it's Blatz. (growling) (gulping) (contented purring) Hey, they're all right. # We are family # # Our bitter fights are now history # # We are family # # Wolves and cougars ate our roast beef # Well, I think you all did great. You broke out of your normal roles to accomplish something as a family. I've really earned my wings. I knew it! No. I mean this CD. The Best of Wings. # Band on the run... # You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together but our bond has never been stronger. Mmm, mmm! Yep, our family is as functional as all get-out. Could this be the end of our series... of events? Can I help you? Yeah. I'm looking for Homer Simpson. Oh, it's the woman I married in Vegas! (all gasp) Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offence, children. Homer and Ned, you may now kiss your brides. Give it to me, baby! (smooching) Homer! It's OK, we're married. Oh! You and Ned married a couple of floozies? Marge, I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault. Liquors drunkened me. If I had known there were loose women in Las Vegas I would never have let you go. Yes, I did marry her, but I abandoned her. Amber, tell her how I abandoned you. This is the worst thing you've ever done. Well, Ginger... sure is, uh, neat that you managed to hunt me down. Where's the bed? Oh, Lord, I know my new wife is a little more... "peppermint" than you're used to but, uh, I know you'd want me to honour my sacred vows so I will. Hey, stud, where do you keep your wet ones? I need a shower. Oh, we've got a real shower upstairs. Upstairs?! I hit the jackpot! So... sitting on the bed, eh? Get out, Homer. Look, I married her, but that is as far as we went. We never ever made whoopee or even mouth whoopee. Homer, I don't know if I can ever forgive you. Please go away. Fair enough, but I'm going to come back with the greatest gift a husband can give his wife: an annulment from his secret wife. Mr Simpson, under Nevada law bigamy-- or "Mormon Hold 'Em"-- is perfectly legal. Both marriages stand. But I only love Marge. I hereby order to you to take care of both of your wives. Bailiff, ring him. Oh... You can't kick me out. It'll cause a miscount in the census. A miscount! (angry snort) Of all the things to ever come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst. Ow! (chittering) Please... just leave me alone. Now, now, mama's going to make you a snack. # Rise and shine # # And give God your glory, glory... # (mumbling): What? Huh? Me and the boys made you breakfast in bed. It's the best darn diddly way to start your first Flanders day. Think you could Irish up this coffee for me? Whoops, watch the swears, Honey Bear. We don't use the "I" word in this house. Where's my cigarettes? We flushed your sin sticks down to hell. Smokers are jokers! BOTH: Smokers are jokers! I think I'm going to throw up. Ooh, who wants to hold Mommy's hair? Me! Me! I do! Hey, Vegas Mom, how long you going to stay here? Oh, I'm not going anywhere. I already unpacked my delicates. Doesn't it bother you that you're breaking up our family? You know, I bet you and me could be friends. I could show you how to put on make-up. I'm 8 years old. You could look 7. And I could teach you to count cards. Eh, I already got a system. LENNY: Geez, Homer, I thought someone with two wives would be happy. No, you're thinking of someone with two knives. I got to tell you, this is pretty terrific. (laughing) Yeah! (snoring) (groans in disgust) (grunting) (panicked yelling) Can't panic! Must remain calm! (whistling) (whistling continues) (loud groaning) Ah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn. Homer? Marge, you're speaking to me? Why don't you come inside and we'll talk? Talk about what? Sports? Bigamy? Bigamy. Not a sports fan, huh? You insensitive jerk! Maybe this family would be better off without you! You know, there are only so many times I can say I'm sorry and still mean it. Why don't you just take "Britney Beers" and get out of here! I would if it wasn't for the kids! Hey, the heart wants what it wants, dude. We had a good run. Well, that's the last we'll see of them. Come on, we're going to Moe's. My lady's glass is empty, Moe. Bring her another cookies 'n' cream martini. No, honey. This time make it a 'Sex on the Beach' and hold the beach. (staccato laugh) Gee, Homer, your new wife is great. Her lips look like night crawlers. You know, she can put that mole anywhere on her face. Wow! To Amber... who proves there are seconds in the buffet of life. (glasses clink) Oh, my head. Aspirin. RU-486. Morning, love muffin. Who are you? I'm your new husband and that was a wedding night I'll never forget. Oh, no, we didn't. Well, we almost didn't but you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer. Want to give Honest Abe another term in the Oval Office? No! Oh, thank God. (snoring) We're married? But how? Do you, Amber take Abraham as your lawful wedded husband renouncing all others? Oh, sure. He paid for the hour. (drunken laugh) Whoo-hoo! You crapped out, Vegas Mom. Our plan worked perfectly. And we carried it out as a family. What plan? You got me drunk. Yeah, but this time you woke up with more than a hangover. You're married to me. Me! (evil laughter) I can't take it! You're too goody-goody! Oh, that's not you talking. That's the honey mustard dressing. Come on, Ginger, let's go back to Vegas. Yeah, I'm sure there's poker games we can be won in. (tyres screeching) I'm so proud of us. When we stick together, we can do anything. Oh, I lost another wife. I'm so sorry, Grampa. Well, it hurts now but the senility will take care of that. There she goes. You know, I have a son about your age. (all laughing) Oh, I love that. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Shh.