4 WOMAN: I just don't want to make one of these tapes if it's something you do with every girl. MAN: Every girl? No, no. I am strictly a one-woman guy. Well, I don't want to end up all over the Internet. I pride myself on keeping a low profile. My private life is private. Hmm. Wait. I thought you never did this before. What are all these? Oh, uh... just some movies I rented. "Me and Brandy, Missionary"? A tale of two girls who become nuns. What are all those? Oh, that's just your standard home security setup. Basic run-of-the mill. No big deal, nothing too elaborate. Everybody has them. And why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed? In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes. -Now, let's get into bed. -Let's just make this quick. I have a court hearing in the morning. -Judge Henderson? -No. I wish. Thompson. Mmm. That's gonna suck for you. It was a driving mishap thingy. Do me a favour - promise me you won't drive. That's sweet. You're worried about me driving. Uh-uh. I'm worried about me. I'm a pedestrian. -(electrical buzzing) -Ow! Sorry. That's my sobriety monitor. Oh. -(electrical buzzing) -Ow! Sorry. Sorry. (clears throat) Ankle. Tracking bracelet. (sighing): Okay. (bed squeaking) What are you doing? Huh? Just... warming up. (sighs) Okay. Are you sure we're alone here? Feels like there's somebody else in this house. (eerie shrieking) Do you hear that? That's nothing. -(creaking) -Okay, what is that? Just... unravelling the old hose. Save it for tomorrow, Raul. S, seor. (romantic music) (goofy music) (grunts) (bell dings) (bell dings) (horns honking) (both panting) That was amazing. (horse neighs) -Whoa. -(cat meows) Get out of here, Emilio. -(eerie shrieking) -(gasps) (door creaks) Charlie, I'm scared. Lindsay, sweetie, there's nothing to be afraid of. (Charlie grunting and screaming) -(Lindsay screams) -(cell phone ringing) MAN (over phone): Hey, I got the stuff. I got to call you back, man. (Charlie grunting and groaning) (screaming) I think I'd better go. Really? How about tomorrow? You busy? (Lindsay screaming) I'm going to blow you across the room. Sounds awesome. (hisses) (Charlie grunts) NARRATOR: And thus our story begins. The large reward offered for the rescue of Charlie's kids drew the attention of police, private detectives and Red Cross volunteers. Everyone was on high alert for these children, except these two guys. No, man, Obamacare gives senior citizens access to cheaper drugs, free preventative care, and it closes the Medicare Part D loophole. And how does that help if I get shampoo in my pee hole? -What? -You mean to tell me you ain't never got -shampoo in your pee hole? -Okay. -Maybe like once or twice. -Yeah, once or twice when you was playing with yourself. No, I wasn't playing with myself. I was showering, and crazy got up in there. Bullshit. That's Cam Newton's first law of gravity. Soap don't run uphill. Well, either way, that shit stings like hell. Sting like a mother, man - it feel like it's a hornet up in there. -Exactly. -I don't understand why the shampoo company can't fix that, man. They got "No More Tears". Why they can't make "No More Hornets in Your Pee Hole"? I don't really think they expect you to use the No More Tears on your thing. Well, why they call it Johnson & Johnson? I got a better question, man. What the hell are two stoners doing wandering around these spooky-ass woods? Look, it's gonna be worth it. I told you-- this is Humboldt County. This is where all the growers grow their bomb-ass shit. You think they're gonna be cool with us just helping ourselves? Look, man, we ain't taking no plants. We're gonna snip a few buds. You know what I'm saying? It's gonna grow back just like a lobster paw. You know, that's how nature do. I don't know, man. Just doesn't feel right. Man, they ain't gonna care. Look, man, we're gonna be cool. We're gonna roll one blunt, then we're gonna get up out of here. -Just one? -Just one. -(men yelling) -(helicopter blades whirring) -They won't care, huh? -Man, just keep running. -(whooshing) -Holy shit. Is that a drone? They're going all "Zero Dark Thirty" on our ass. (screams) Yo, I think they gone. Oh, whoa. It's a cabin in the woods. We need to go hide over in there. Nah, man, I'm not going in there. It reminds me of a horror movie I once saw. What horror movie? The one with the cabin in the woods. -"Friday the 13th"? -No. The one with the cabin in the woods. "Texas Chain Saw Massacre"? No, the one with the cabin in the woods. -"The Ring"? -Uh-uh. The one with the cabin in the woods. "Blair Witch Project". No, man, the one with the cabin in the woods. -"The Munsters". -That wasn't in the woods. -That wasn't even a damn movie. -Look, man, we ain't got time for this shit right now. We need to get to that cabin in the woods. (groans) (creaking) (loud, slow creaking) (rapid footsteps) What the hell is that sound? Sound like the house settling. It looked new. -I'm gonna take a look around. -Go ahead. (quiet, hoarse breathing) Aah! What is that? -(screams) -(grunts) (groans) -Where we shooting? -There. -Where? -The dark. -There? -No, this dark. -(rapid footsteps) -Over there. Dude, what the hell was that? Big-ass Alaskan king crab just ran up on me, man. -Crab? Cuz, we banging? -Ja'Marcus, put -the guns down, man. -Put yours down first, homey. All right, on three. One, two, three. Damn. You want to try it again? Sure. One, two, three. One, two, three. (guns clattering on floor) Uno, dos, tres. Man, we could do this shit all day. -Truce? -Truce. Hey, yo, D'Andre. Look, homey. It's two little girls. They're little racist girls, man. -(growls) -Wearing blackface. Cool with that? Hey, little girl. What's your name? (growling) (growls) -What'd she say? -She said, "I wonder what your leg -tastes like." -What? Ah, man! Little spider girl bit me. Maybe you're gonna get superpowers. Ain't no black superheroes. I'm on it. Hi-ya! -(groans) -(gruff chittering) Yo. D'Andre. I think them the missing kids from the news. -How can you be so sure? -Look. D'ANDRE: I don't know, man. JA'MARCUS: Well, if it is the missing kids, I'm gonna take that reward money, and I'm gonna buy me a yacht, fill it with cash, bitches and a shark. Why would you want to buy a shark? Trust me-- we're gonna need a shark. (sighs) No. This can't be right. (grunts) (urinating) (long sigh) (phone ringing) Hi, Mom. (yells) I got to call you back. No baby, no baby, no baby, no baby. FEMALE VOICE (over phone): You're pregnant. -No! -With anticipation over the outcome of this iPregnancy test, which has determined that you are... You got to be kidding me. Oh, no. You dodged a bullet, you lucky slut. Thank you, God. Sweet! -(toilet flushes) -Oh! Great news: They found my brother's kids. Oh, crap. MAN: We're very fortunate the older one, Kathy, has retained most of her vocabulary. The baby hasn't actually said a word. Why not? Because he's a baby. They've been alone here over three long months. I need to warn both of you that this is not going to be easy. I'm ready for it. Hello. No, no. Wrong window. Here's where the children are. (rapid panting) -What is she doing? -In order to survive their extreme isolation, the girls created an imaginary guardian, a parent figure to feed them, sing to them. They call her Mama. But these may help you break through. And the Ritalin may help as well. The proper dosage for someone their age is... Wish me luck. (hoarse panting) Hey, Lily. Oh, how cute. Okay. Kathy. Oh. It's okay, Kathy. Remember these? You used to wear them to help you see better. (crunching) No, no, no! Uh... Maybe we should get her some contacts-- the soft kind. Daddy? No, sweetheart. Not Daddy. I'm your Uncle Dan. Remember? And this is Jody. Jo... dy. Jody. No pause between "Jo" and "dy". Jo... dy. Dan, we're at an impasse. I see constant conflict. It's fine. They'll warm up to you. -(yelling) -Ow! -Hey, hey, hey, little lady! -That's not how... (groans) -You little mother...! (grunting and groaning) Well, everything checks out. They seem like good kids, Doc. Just validate our parking. -We'll take 'em home. -Folks, I wish it were that easy. You don't validate? I'm saying the kids are not yours to take. JODY: Well, you can't win 'em all. Let's skedaddle. That's not fair. They're my brother Charlie's kids. -We deserve them. -Do you? Your wife plays in a punk rock band, staying out all night long, high on drugs with a different man every night. I don't think the courts are gonna look upon that -too favourably. -But... I was just messing with you. -The kids are yours. -They are? Did you hear that, honey? They're ours! On one condition. This house is owned by the Institute for Case Studies. Every room is fully wired with cameras. If you move into the house, you get the kids. Can't we just sell the house and put the kids in a high-end orphanage? Jody, do you really think you're cut out to be a mom? -Uh-uh. Uh-uh. -Of course she is. -Dan! -DAN: Now, no more rock band, no more silly wig. It's not silly. It's all a part of me. And no more tattoos. -What are you doing? -What I had to. We're a perfect suburban couple. NARRATOR: And so Dan and Jody headed to their new house with their new children. But, like a slutty sorority girl returning from spring break, they were also bringing home a hidden evil. JODY: All right, kids, here's our new house. And here's Uncle Dan. Hi. Don't forget about Mommy! Dan, I'm not their mommy. They can call me Aunt Jody. Or Jodes, J-Mom, Mrs Sanders. Or if they really want to call me... Garage! (Jody screams, baby gasps) DAN: Here comes Jody and Aidan, entering the house for the very first time. This is where we're gonna protect you -and make sure nothing bad... -(Aidan crying) Oh, my God, Aidan! I'm sorry. Maybe we should put him in the carrier. -There. See? That's better. -Come on, Aidan. -What, what, what? -Relax. It's okay. Oh, my gosh. Dan! Dan, I lost the baby! -Huh? -Oh, my gosh, Aidan! -Oh, oh. -Aidan, where are you?! -Aidan! -(Aidan crying) -Where did you go? Oh, there he is. Okay. (Dan sighs, Aidan laughs) Here's your sister Kathy. -(Aidan crying) -Oh, Aidan, it's okay. You've just got to talk in a baby voice. It doesn't even matter what you say. Okay. I'm your stepmommy. (crying continues) I'm not your fricking mommy. There you go. You're a natural. What's that smell? -(screams) -Aah! Oh, my God! What do I do? Oh, oh, here, this! Hold on! (screams) -Uncle Dan! -Kathy! -(screams) -Ooh, sorry, honey! -(thud) -KATHY: Ow! All right. There you go, sweetie. JODY: Is it chilly in here? I felt it as soon as I entered the room. DAN: Hmm, feels fine. Hey, what are these? This is interesting. What is this? -(woman groans) -I don't know, Mama drew that one. Look. We drew this picture for Aidan. It's Aidan on a rocket to the moon. Oh. Sitting on a rocket. (chuckles) -Where's Lily? -(Lily growling) No, sweetie, the other end. Ooh! Let's go introduce Aidan to the rest of the family. (sniffs) (thud) Oh, and there's our furry family member. -Yes, Maria. -No, Dan, Artie. DAN: Oh, yes, of course. Our dog Artie. Ay, the new baby. -I make blessing. -Oh. (praying in Spanish) Okay, okay, that's good, Maria. (continues praying in Spanish) Oh, my gosh. (continues praying in Spanish) NARRATOR: With three new kids to care for, Dan really needed to start performing at work. Unfortunately, he was having some issues with a colleague. DAN: Okay, Caesar, this is the one. I can feel it. (Caesar grunting) 81 seconds? Oh, Caesar! -That's your worst time yet. -(grunting) You're doing even worse on your creativity test. -(groans) -I mean, look at all the imaginative things I made out of blocks. Like this awesome plane. (making aeroplane sounds) (Caesar grunts) Dan. (sighs) Do you have any results yet? Oh, well, I've been injecting the primates twice a day with the I-13 intelligence drug. I'm hoping in a week or so... I hope Caesar is not just a big waste of time and money. I'm the one responsible to the board. Just show me one thing positive. -(chimps screeching) -Look. They still throw their shit. DAN: But now they can keep score. (hooting excitedly) We have to kick-start this thing. When can we go to human trials? We're close, but there's an intermediate step. If the I-13 works on these reality wives... You'd better check that shit. Who gonna check me, boo? (women clamouring) (screams) We're pinning the future of our lab on wild beasts. They're not beasts. They have feelings, they have families. Males pee standing up, females pee sitting down. -These apes are just like you. -(Caesar grunts) And me-- you and me, blacks and whites. Uh, more like whites, of course. We whites are a lighter shade of ape, whereas you are bla... dder infection-- we're all at risk. So, what were we talking about again? Vaginas. -Shut up. -Yes, of course. Caesar has got to show some human intelligence at that board meeting, or... Caesar's probably smarter than half of those board members. -Dan... -I know what you're gonna say. "If he's so smart, why is he in a cage?" You're in the cage. (bass guitar playing) What? Oh, you're looking for this? Uh-huh. It's my ballerina doll. -You made this? -Mama did, using twigs, moss, spiderwebs, sparrow bones, lizard eyes, all held together -with rat droppings. -Oh, geez. (sighing) (sighs) (sighs) (screams) (breathing heavily) (grunts) (humming) (screams) Ah, ah, ah. What... what... what are you doing? I just can't deal with these kids. They're creepy. We should just take 'em back. Maybe you guys just need to find some common ground. What about that ballerina doll Kathy's always playing with? I don't want to talk about the ballet. I saw what the ballet did to my mom. She became obsessed. She even danced the Swan while she was pregnant with me. Boo, ray, boo! -Shh. -Shh, hell. You better sit back before I punch you in your damn throat. We're trying to enjoy the show. You go on, shh-- Shh me again. I double-dog dare you, hell. Better ask somebody who I am. (audience gasping) (gasps) (plays discordant note, baby cries) -(grunts) -(audience jeering) Got it. (jeering continues) Mom was never the same. That's unlikely to ever happen again, ever. Just give it a shot. Look what I found earlier. I mean, I know it's just a local production, but could be something for you and Kathy to talk about. Could be fun. -You really think so? -Yes. Well, I suppose I could check it out. Okay. But the minute it becomes too difficult, I'm giving up. That's the spirit. NARRATOR: Even though Jody only returned to the ballet to connect with the girls, as she got closer, she couldn't help but get excited at the prospect of becoming the Swan Queen. This season, we open with "Swan Lake". As you all know, this piece has the most challenging and demanding role in all of ballet-- the Swan Queen. NARRATOR: Sizing up her competition, Jody knew the battle would be a tough one. The white and the black. Fortunately, we have with us prima ballerina and the lead in my last 146 productions-- Heather Darcy. (applause) Ah, the seasoned professional. The still brilliant, crusty, old, weathered, leather-faced elder statesman of ballet to whom these young girls-- less experienced, more beautiful and delicious, but still very raw ballerina hopefuls-- look up. Show these far more desirable children how it's done, huh? Music! (ballet music playing) (exhales) Try that thing where you are skipping and you hop and you spread your legs a little bit. (inhales) JODY: Look at that form, that technique. I'll never be that good. I'm Jody, by the way. Kendra. Are you gonna try out? Me? Oh... I don't know. I mean, I like to dance, but I just-- I don't like to be the centre of attention. PIERRE: Okay, who's next? Oh, food. Huh? (hip-hop music) It is as if I am seeing ballet for the first time. That's not ballet. PIERRE: The passion, the sensuality. I-I can show passion. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, oh! NARRATOR: Jody certainly had her work cut out for her. That Kendra chick was smokin'. Do you accept euros? 5 (water rippling) (woman groaning) (pans clang) (loud clang) Kathy? Lily? Aidan? (sighs) (sighs) Jody? -(screams) -Aah! Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm fine. It was on the floor. (sniffs) Ah. Probably a screw loose. I'll fix it. (groans) I feel like there's something in this house. Like what? Like I feel hot, clammy, foul-smelling breath on my neck. (gasps) You need call psychic. Kill bad spirits. Ugh. No, Maria, enough of this stuff. Okay, then I do blessing, I protect house. (Dan sighs) Honey, you really need to relax. You're just stressed out about the children. No, it's this house. I-I... I feel it. And Maria's a little off. I mean, honestly do you really trust her? Oh, honey, don't worry. She couldn't hurt a fly. Look, you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow. Let's just get you some sleep, okay? Mwah. Love you. DAN: I don't believe this-- our whole house ransacked. You leave the house unattended with the doors unlocked and look what happens. They didn't take anything. It's just vandalism. Every room except the kids' rooms was trashed. So you suspect the kids? It was Mama. Mama did it. She hates this house. She hates you. (grunts) (gasps) Okay, Maria, this is camera. Necesito filming. Thank you for helping me clean up, sweetie. Oh, hey! Been looking all over for this thing. -Still got it. Oh! -Ow! -I'm sorry! -Ow, ow! God! Help, honey! -Ow! -Maria! Honey, help! Geez! Maria, put the camera... JODY: Oh, look at this. (chuckles) Mom coaching me when I was a little girl. Aw. Always applying the guilt trip. -Oh. -That got me the lead. (Maria speaking Spanish, Aidan crying) KATHY: Look, Maria. Maria, look what I found. What is this? Oh, uh, that's, uh... a new type of electric toothbrush. Look, a whole box of toothbrushes. -DAN: Whoa. -Graffiti! Did you see this? (sighs) Who does that? -What are we...? -(Maria gasps) JODY: Maria. -Maria! Por favor. -(praying in Spanish) Miss Jody, Miss Jody, you call this man-- Mr Blaine. He helped my sister. -This is a psychic. -Si, he help you. No, what we really need are more security cameras. (funky music) (cries out) (grunts) (screams) (siren wailing) (tyres screech) (siren wailing) (choking) Oh! Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh, aah! (screaming) (siren wailing) (Lily and Kathy laughing) KATHY: This is fun, Mama. (laughter continues) (woman groans) (laughter continues) You're still awake? All right, listen, guys, it's just us until Uncle Dan comes back from the hospital. I don't like it, you don't like it, I don't like it. Now go to sleep. I have to be up early for ballet tomorrow. You really like ballet, don't you? KATHY: Yeah, but I don't want you to go. Why? Mama says you're gonna have an accident. Oh, okay. Is this the same Mama who trashed the house? Basically, yes. (woman groaning) -Don't go in there. -I wasn't going to. Just don't. It's my house. I can if I want. I wouldn't. -Would. -Wouldn't. -Would too. -Would not. You know what? I'm the adult. You're not the boss of me. Don't. (groaning continues) (groaning continues) (grunting): I told you not to let anyone in! (farts, screams) (grunts, farts) (Jody screams, glass shatters) NARRATOR: And so Jody was... Oh, my God. I just smelled that. It just got to me, yeah. And so Jody was... Oh, no, I-I'm sorry, you have to excuse me. I got to get some fresh air. The next section should explain itself. (dog grunts) (vacuum whirring) All right, attention. I do not wish to repeat myself. I repeat, I do not wish to repeat myself. I require the sweater I wear as a scarf. (speaks French) Ah, confortable, huh? (moaning) Mother, please! I am working. All right. Because Heather Darcy is so old, this season, we will have a new Swan Queen, and that person is Jody Sanders. (gasps) Now, Jody, show us your routine. HEATHER: No! I'm the Swan Queen. (grunts) Watch me. Aah! As I was saying, my choice for new... Her?! Anyone but her! You might just as well have picked the janitor! Me? (dramatic music) Ira, please, not now. -What? -Okay. Yes, it was a difficult decision, but I have always been attracted to Jody. How could I not? She has the body of a fifth-grade boy. But in the event that she is unable to dance, I am naming as her understudy Kendra Brooks. All right, that's lunch. (suspenseful music) Ooh, this is a nice house. I'm gonna go find the girls. Kathy, how did you know I was gonna have an accident today at the ballet? Mama told me. Okay, well, how did Mama know I was gonna have an accident? (wind whooshes) Oh, there you are. I found this bandage on my head. Dan, please. I think there's something going on in this house, something about this Mama. I'm gonna call the psychic Maria told us about. Jody, do you really think we need a psychic? KATHY: Uncle Dan, come here. -Coming. -I want to show you something. (sighs) Uncle Dan, Mama taught me some tricks. Look what I can do. Oh, wow! That's really good, honey. -AIDAN: Dada. -(shudders) Good Lord. Uncle Dan, look at me! Evil spirits. Look, Mr Dan, look. Isn't that one of Jody's bathing suits? You're facing something our human minds cannot imagine. Mama. (Dan shudders) Let's get you in a robe. Do you want to hear about the ballet today? Mama's helping us get ready. Oh, okay. I'll brush too. Hmm. Where did my toothbrush go? (whines) Hey! We don't lick our balls in this house. Sorry. Won't happen again. NARRATOR: Try as she might, Jody just couldn't seem to connect with those kids. Or get the taste of that toothbrush out of her mouth. Was it just 8-year-old teen angst, or were there otherworldly forces at work here? (lights crackling) (eerie music) (vacuum humming) (creaking) (pans clang) -Baby. -Hmm? -Baby, I heard something. -What? I think there's someone in the kitchen. See? There's nobody down here. There it is again! Right there. Go look. Jody! Calm down. See, there's nothing to worry about. It's just... -(screams) -Oh, God! -Ow! Geez! -(hand sizzling) -(screams, grunts) -(microwave beeps) Dan, I'm calling the psychic! -Make the call! -(doorbell rings) Blaine Fulda, professional psychic. Hi. I'm Jody. -Indeed you are. -Yes. And this is my husband, Dan. Your payment, as requested. $500 in unmarked bills. (sniffs) And, of course, you know Maria. Hola, Mr Blaine. Hi, Maria. How's your sister? Dead. Demon kill her. Well, that explains the unreturned phone calls. I'm sensing evil. I'm gonna have to get some of your personal belongings here, just so I can check for demon and ghost residue. I'm not gonna be able to lift all those monitors, but I'll send my cousin tomorrow with the white van. He can get 'em in there. Dan was attacked by the kitchen last night. We think it might be Mama. -Kitchen attack? -Uh-huh. You could've said that earlier. If a room turns on you, it's either a ghost or a demon. Can a demon take over someone? Like, live within them? Damn, that's some scary shit. So a demon is about the worst thing you can have? No, ma'am, an STD is the worst thing that you can have. Who do you know who wants to hurt you? Do you have a jealous colleague at work? A Facebook friend you might have ignored? Maybe you adopted a small African child named Ikatababwe, promising to feed this nigga for 25 cents a day. But then he needs something to drink! Anyway, let's begin. Okay. This is the evil communicator. When I put this on, I'll be able to cross over to the other side and confront the entity. That will immediately trigger the final $350 payment of child support to Tisha Fulda. And if you guys just join hands, close eyes and concentrate. Empty your mind of all the thoughts of today's troubles. Everything that went on, get that out of your mind. This is all about the spirit world here. And three, two and one. (bellowing) DAN: What's happening? Things are starting to move all by itself! (gasping) -Wait, I don't think he can breathe! -He's a pro! A sophisticated piece of equipment like that? Of course he can breathe. (gasping) Shit, I couldn't breathe. Almost killed myself. All right. I communicated. It was definitely a demon. Oh, my gosh. (choking) Wait a minute. I was wrong. It's a ghost. So strong. -Ow! -(gasps) -Help, it's got me! -Dan! -Dan, wake up! -Ma'am, you got to get out of here. It's evil! -It's pure evil! It's Mama! -(eerie roar) -It's pure evil! It's Mama! -(eerie roar) 4 (speaking Spanish) (baby cooing) Now do you believe that something's going on? He got dragged away, yelling out, "Mama." He got dragged away? I don't remember that. Dan, you were unconscious. I don't remember that either. Look, honey, I don't want to argue. The important thing is, we love each other, okay? No, the important thing is that this Mama thing could be real and she might be trying to kill us. Jode, that guy was a fraud and that's it. Okay? (sighs) (eerie whoosh) What's that? My penis. No. Yes. (eerie cry) There, right now, there. What the hell is that? My penis? (eerie whoosh) What's making that sound? (dance music playing loudly) (sniffs) (moans) (slurps) (retches) (dance music stops) (metallic clanging) Dan, what is that? (clanging stops) My penis. (clanging continues) (rooster crows) (Maria gasps) (gasps) Ay, Dios mio! (sinister music) (gasps) (birds chirping) (sniffs) Is that smoke? (speaking Spanish) Maria! What are you doing?! You're gonna burn down the house! Kill bad spirits! What is going on? (coughs) Maria almost burned the house down. -What? -That's it. She's got... (speaking Spanish) Enough! This is getting out of hand. -You're scaring everybody. -(shouting in Spanish) You can't fire her. I mean, she's been with us for years. I don't know what to do. -(grunting) -That's discrimination. Okay, now, what the hell? This is completely insane! It's what she believes in, honey! Give me that! MARIA: You're gonna let me go?! The family's not safe! I'm sorry, Maria, it's just not working out. I'll give you a recommendation, just nothing involving kids or within a mile of anyone's house. (speaking Spanish) I can't do this anymore. -I got to go to work. -(speaking Spanish) I don't even understand what you're saying! (birds chirping) (clank) (Maria screams) Ow! MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen, for the past two years, our own Dan Sanders has been testing the I-13 compound on 30 apes. Unfortunately, 29 of them turned into insane, aggressive, deviant sexual predators. But one, Caesar, has experienced a huge leap in intelligence. Here he plays three opponents. Of course, they're apes. But Caesar's superior capabilities are the work of one man. The brains behind the I-13 project, Dan San... -Are you okay? -I'm fine, Martin. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you... You're not getting away from me! (grunts) (apes squawking) Oh! Oh, no! (alarm blaring) (apes squawking) (gasps) (people screaming) Traffic is backed up on the Broad Street Bridge, where apparently police are battling dozens of apes in a running gunfight. Our reports indicate that a scientist at a research laboratory gave these apes an experimental intelligence drug. -(helicopter passing) -I'm being told that all available officers are now on the scene. But at this time, we are advising all our viewers to find alternate routes. I'm now being told we have the actual 911 call that first alerted the police to the situation. MAN: 911. What's your emergency? -(people screaming) -WOMAN: Oh, my God! Apes are inside the house! MAN: Calm down, ma'am. What happened? WOMAN: We were making love and... Oh, my God! -They're attacking him! -Who are they attacking, ma'am? Carl! Oh, my God! Please, help him! MAN: Where is your husband right now? WOMAN: Carl's not my husband. My husband's the anchor for Channel 12 News. He can't know about it. -Okay, ma'am, but we need to... -Hurry! Send help while my husband's still on the air! MAN: Ma'am, that's not important. Your life is. WOMAN: Yeah, you're right. Why should he care? I mean, I'm pretty sure he's been sleeping with his co-anchor, that bitch! Oh, I'm gonna rip her... (light-hearted music) Congratulations, girl. I knew it was gonna be you. You're just so perfect, so mechanical. Watching you dance is like watching a robot. Thanks. Mmm. So hungry. (sighs) Is that all? Pierre has a weight limit. I'm too heavy. Look at Mara. She looks great. Look, are you sure you're okay? Weird things have been happening at home. Kathy said there was going to be an accident. Then it happened to Heather. That's some serious shit. You should talk to those kids. Whoa. Pizza. I eat and eat and eat, and I don't gain a pound. (retching) (panting) (gasps) (gasps) (gasps) Heather! You think you can replace me? Well, we'll see how you like it once the Swan consumes you! Damn it! Door! Ow! 5 Oh. I didn't know you were such a good builder. Wow. Kathy, I want you to tell me about Mama. Mama doesn't like it when you talk about her. Who is Mama? She was a woman who read from an evil book. Sometimes she comes to us in a dream. -In a dream? -(tuba plays ominous note) In your dreams, of course. I wish I could see what's inside your dreams. (tuba plays ominous note) To extract what's in your dreams. To perform an inception. -(tuba plays ominous note) -Will you drop that? That's my birth tuba. (doorbell rings) (door creaks) Hello. I'm Dom Kolb. You called about a dream extraction? JODY: Yes. I need to find out about an evil book. Mm-hm. This machine will allow us access to the dream world. Let's begin. (machine hisses) So when do we start dreaming? You never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you? I guess. -(rumbling) -Okay, then. This is your first lesson in shared dreaming. -Stay calm. -Sorry. -I dropped my phone in there. -(rumbling stops) You need to clear your subconscious. And watch what you think about. Nothing crazy. Right. Like having your crotch burst into flames. (screaming) (gasps) (gasps) (gasps) What does that have to do with Ma...? Hey! Oh. Let's start over. (machine hisses) (opera music playing) I'm Jody Sanders. Yes, my dear. I've been expecting you. Please, come in. They call me Christian Grey. (sniffs) How do you like my blue room? It's red. Oh. I'm colour-blind. My decorator assured me that-- Never mind. Champagne? Mm. (clicking) Hey, Christian, man. Golly, man! I'd like to thank you a lot, man, for working on my prostrate like it was a speed bag. CHRISTIAN: Yes, Michael, I must admit, I was surprised at your performance as well. Not bad for a washed-up, overweight, facially tattooed... Do it again. (laughs) (screams) I have no idea what that one was. Me neither. (machine hisses) Mama, are you here? -Dom? Is that you? -Oh, shit. You said you'd had a dream that we'd grow old together. -Right. And we will. -What are you doing here? -Hi. -How could you bring her here? -What about our children? -They're not real. Yes, they are. Watch. James, Phillippa! (groans) You're not gonna jump, are you? I hadn't thought about that. Thank you. (screams) -(crash) -Okay, we're not getting anywhere. What does any of this have to do with Kathy? Kathy? I thought you were Kathy. Oh. (sinister music) "Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto." (gasps) (whooshing) (whooshing stops) (whooshing continues) (screams) (distorted): What's happening to me?! (gasps) That must have been her. Mama. She wants to take us home to the cliff. -What does that mean? -I don't know. But I trust you'll give me a favourable Yelp review? (dogs barking) NARRATOR: Jody's mission was clear. The evil book that created Mama was located in the cellar of a cabin, in the woods. If she could find that cabin, maybe she could find some answers. If we can find that cabin, maybe we can find some answers. Okay, calm down. I'm gonna come over. (lights crackling) -Kendra? -What? (panting) Okay, wait. What's going on now? (gasps) I think she's out there! (gasps) Okay, okay, just-- you just stay calm! AUTOMATED VOICE: Front door open. She's in the house! -Front door open. -Oh. Okay, stay... Front door open. Front door open. Shut the hell up! No need for that, bitch. -Bitch?! -Front door open. Front door open. (shrieks) No, you did not just call me... -Front door open... -(screams) (grunts) -Honey? -Dan?! I am so sorry. I didn't know who you were, and-- Oh. Oh, it's okay, honey. It was an accident. Right, Caesar? And of course he can stay here. (doorbell rings) Look at that. Caesar wants to help out around the house. Oh. (screaming) I'm sorry. I see an ape, I come out swinging. That's understandable. (grunts) -(gasps) -Ooh. Here you go. I am so glad you're okay, but tonight was a wake-up call. -I think we've got to find that cabin. -Okay. I got an idea. Wait. We fired Maria. Who's gonna watch the kids? I already took care of it. (doorbell rings) Naughty Nanny's here. Nice to meet you, Naughty. This is my wife, Jody. That costs extra. Oh, Jesus. Monkey too? Oh, you people are freaks, but... for an extra $100. What agency did you call? Oh, they have nurses and cheerleaders and nannies. Dan, you called an escort service. I used the same agency to book a Santa for Christmas. Someone called for Santa? (chuckles) Ho, ho, ho. Dan, you're watching the kids. NARRATOR: Jody was nervous about what she might find at the cabin, but she was comforted by the fact that Caesar and the girls were in good hands. (grunting) (grunting) (both laughing) (grunts) (grunting) Who do you work for? JODY: Kendra, this isn't the cabin I was talking about. KENDRA: I know. I just thought you needed to relax. Take one of these. -Um... I-I don't know. -Oh, come on. They'll only last a couple of hours, tops. Kendra, I don't need drugs to have fun. (whooping) (both whooping) -Let me take a picture. -Okay. Oh, that's so hot. JODY: Yeah! (Jody laughs) Yeah, ride it! Yeah, yeah! (gasping) Huh? A dollar will make me holler, honey boo boo child. (screams) (scream echoes) (screams) (scream echoes) (dance music playing) (shushing) (grunting) (moans) (pop music) (both moaning) Oh, wait. I'm not gonna get pregnant, am I? -No. -Okay. Ooh. (cat meows) (laughs) Ah. Ah. (train whistle blowing) 4 (boat horn blowing) (turns alarm off, gasps) Oh, my God! The rehearsal. I'm late. Oh, n-n-no! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (ballet music playing) (applause) Oh, c'est magnifique, mon cherie. (both moaning) -Stop, stop! -Oh, Jody! Thank God you're here, girl. I was just dancing and kissing him 'cause I didn't want him to think about you being late. Well, I'm the dancer, so I'll do the kissing around here. That was amazing. (both moaning) I want you to have my children. But, Papa, please, we want to stay with you. -Back in the car, Gaston. -Aw. She can't make you forget about me. I overslept because you just took off this morning. -This morning? -Yeah. You slept over. -What?! Wait a minute, did you have some lezzo dream fantasy about me? Don't act like you weren't there. We had something special. We made love last night for hours. -What? -You're telling me that wasn't your (bleep) in my (bleep)? I have never been that (bleep) in my life. Jody. (exhales) -(chuckles) -What?! Oh! Yeah, yeah. Well, that explains the poison ivy. Jody? -There you are. -Kendra? Oh, the door was open, so I let myself in. (sighs) It's okay. Look, I'm so sorry. I really believed something happened between us last night. I must have dreamt the whole thing. Oh, no. We had sex. But this morning at rehearsal, you said... I can't have the whole cast knowing my business. I'm already doing half of 'em, and besides, me and Pierre, we have this little thing... -Wait. Then what's this? -Oh, oh. Must have happened after I left. (over laptop): Oh, yeah! Uh! Girl, you are freaky. (grunting) -(bell dings) -Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, get it. Oh, my God. (roars) -(screams) -Oh, shit! See, I knew she was real. (typing) All right. Let's find out where this cabin is. Ugh. (woman moaning on laptop) (sighs) (panting) KENDRA: What in the hell? Hup! Bad girl. (whimpering) Oh, what is this? Oh, my God! It's the same cabin from the dream. Of course. KENDRA: So, what are we gonna do if we find that book? JODY: I don't know. If that's the book that turned Mama into what she is, maybe it could somehow reverse the curse. Okay, we're almost there. Hey. I'm not going in there. We have to go inside. The book is the key to the nightmare I'm living. -Oh, my gosh. Who are you? -I'm Jody, and this is Kendra. We're looking for something very important. We all are. Come on in. (people sing) # Go tell it on the mountain # Over the hills and everywhere # Go tell it on the mountain # Over the hills and everywhere # Go tell it on the... # Everybody, this is Jody and Kendra. -Hello, Jody and Kendra. -Hi. Pardon me for not standing, but I'm mending the wing of this bird that we found -in the woods. -Okay. Hi. Um... We're in a hurry. We're actually looking for a book that could save lives. Yes. I've got it right here. -Oh, thank God. -Thank him indeed. The Bible. Here, let me read to you. Oh, no! No, see, we're actually looking for... the book of evil. I know evil all too well. -You do? -This weekend's devoted to Mia. It's a detox weekend. She's hooked on energy shots. Oh, yeah, that's a real struggle. Okay, listen, we're looking for another book somewhere in this cabin. We haven't seen anything. We gave it a shot. Let's get out of here. Okay, wait. Is there a cellar? (sighs) Great. There it is. Oh. (eerie music) Okay, I don't care what it says. "The curse begins with four words. Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto." (both scoff) (all screaming) (distorted): You're all going to die tonight. (snorts, coughs) (in normal voice): You're all going to die tonight. (screams) (bird chirps) (others screaming) "The curse ends with one word. Adunda." What the heck? (crying): Why? I don't have an arm. For some reason, I cut my tongue in half. Okay, well, let's at least finish the song. Everyone hold hands. Except for Eric. Damn. # Go tell it on the mountain # Over the hills and everywhere. # Well, maybe we didn't do it right. "Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto." (yelling) (laughing maniacally) (screaming) (laughing maniacally) "Adunda." Why does this keep happening? -Where's my arm? -Is this yours? -That's a left. -That's mine. -Hand it to me, please? -I need a right. -Eric chainsawed it off. -Look, I'm sorry. My... my leg? No, that's black. It's not mine. Oh, shit. I don't know what I'm gonna do. -(cries) -Oh, cry me a river. I'm gonna need a little help. I have to go to the bathroom. My penis is in the corner. This is fucked up. Let me try. "Gort "Klaatu Barada Nikto." But nothing again. (all screaming) You know what? Let's go. Wait, there's a door right here. Let's go out this way. Okay, cool, we can avoid the weirdos upstairs. We're gonna get you Not another peep. (screams) JODY AND KENDRA: Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto. Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto. JODY: Kendra and I recited the Latin words over and over at the cabin and on the way home. We must have said it a hundred times, but nothing happened. What if it isn't the right book? Maybe the curse has somehow been lifted. NARRATOR: Luckily for Dan and Jody, there was someone in the house who, thanks to the I-13 formula, had increased intelligence and superior cognitive ability. His analytical problem-solving skills -(Aidan gibbering) -allowed him to ascertain crucial information. A marvel of modern-day science, his IQ had surpassed even the most... Aw, hell. (grunting) (gibbering) (woman groaning) (grunting) (screaming) (thud) Why did I think you could be intelligent? You're nothing but a dumb animal. (grunts) Idiot! I can talk. MAN: Hey, Caesar. (gasps) Steve? Dan's got a mad demon in his house. (gasps) Matt Damon's in his house? No! A mad demon. I love Matt Damon. Jason Bourne. (makes gunshot noises) Oy. (grunting) I should have known not to bring a wild animal into the house. I'm... I'm so sorry. But I believed in Caesar. I thought he was different. There's something more to this. -I can feel it. -No, he just... went crazy. (sighs) Forget it. But I still think Mama could be in this house. We just had a whole night go on without a single sign of anything. I guess. I was just so scared last night for the kids. You're coming around. JODY: Am I getting attached to them? (sentimental song playing) (screaming) It's the cliff from the dream. Get in the car now. Don't make me yell! Unto thee, Satan, I sacrifice these children. Return home to the cliff of... Holy shit! (screams) -(Kathy crying) -Home to the cliff. Oh, my God. Girls! Kathy. It's okay. I saw the cliff. I know what "home" means. -(Mama growls) -(Jody screams) -(Mama moaning) -(girls screaming) -JODY: Hmm. -LILY: Hmm? (moans, yells) (screams) Come on, girls. Let's go get Aidan. That's cool. Lily! Come on. Aidan! Are you okay? (screaming) (grunting) (screams) Uncle Dan! Uncle Dan! -Mama! Mama! Mama! -(Lily grunting) She's here! Whoa. Girls, girls, girls. One at a time. Lily, you first. (grunting) Got it. Now Kathy. Mama! Mama! She's here! She's gonna kill us! How many times do I have to tell everyone, there's no such... (screaming) (gasping) (screaming) (Dan grunting and groaning, Mama growling) (muffled yelling) (screaming) (grunting and groaning) (chuckles) (groans) (grunts) Maria? What are you doing here? I was angry you fire me, so I bake you this. (flies buzzing) (sniffs) A shit pie? Uh, thanks, but... Hot dog? No, that's still shit, with mustard. Maybe just a banana, then? Very much potassium. So bueno, Mr Dan. I-I'm sorry. I should have listened to you... Mr Dan. We have our problems, but I always love you. So much. (both grunting) When I see you, I see my father. (both grunting) Dan. Dan, we have to... Wait. What's going on here? -I can explain. -There's no time. Mama has the girls. I know where she took them. Got to go. You remind me of my father. JODY: Dan! 4 NARRATOR: Knowing the girls were in danger, Dan and Jody sped off, racing to get to the cliff they... Oh, my God. What happened to the car? Where...? Oh, there it is. They were no longer able to sit idly by and let a ghost jump off a cliff, sacrificing their children with her. Oh, my God. There they are. Kathy, Lily, stop! (Mama growling) -What do we do now? -Um, I'll just... read from this and change her back to human. (screams) (Mama growling) (roars) Girls, run! Run! No! No, not that way. Away from the cliff! (Mama hisses) I'm not gonna let Mama take you away again. -(whistles) -Hmm? Lily, stop! Come on. Come on. (smacks lips) Here, girl. Come on, Lily. -(panting) -JODY: Come on. (gasps) Look. Oh, look. -Yeah. -(Mama grunts) (Lily panting) -(panting) -JODY: Come on. Look. Oh, yeah. Lily. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, come on. Enough! This is crazy. Lily's not a dog. (whimpers) She's a beautiful little girl who I've grown to love. I love all these children, Mama, even if they don't all love me. Lily loves you too, Jody. (panting) And they belong in this world with me and Dan. Because they deserve parents who aren't decomposing. -Good girl. -(panting) (shrieks) All right, enough. Where's the page? Damn it, I can't find it. Oh, forget it. There. That worked. -(grunts) Maybe not. -(Mama growls) (Jody grunting) (snarling) -(Mama shrieking) -(Kathy gasps) (screaming) (women screaming and gasping) (roaring) Man. We need to stop smoking this shit. (women screaming) Told you that shark was gonna come in handy. Thank you. Lily. Honey! Thank God you're all right. (triumphant music) Your cue is coming up. Oh, Kendra. (Kendra chuckles) Look, it's okay, girl. Let's forget about what happened. You are the Black Swan. No. It's you. Throwing Mama off the cliff has really made me re-evaluate my priorities. My family comes first. You dance the Black Swan. Because sometimes in life... -Okay. -(running footsteps) ANNOUNCER: Introducing our new Swan Queen, Miss Kendra Brooks. (electronic dance music playing) This is not ballet. No, it the hell ain't. This some bullshit. (indistinct yelling, crowd cheering) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Right? Right? You know that shit, right? NARRATOR: And so our story ends. If anything is to be learned from this, it's that mankind is a pathetic race and apes need to take over this planet. Enjoy earth while you've still got it. (Caesar laughs) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Well, we'll see how you like it once the Swan consumes you! (laughing) I cannot hold it that long. It's, like... it's so long. (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (grunting) (yells in pain) We're kissing. -(both laughing) -DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! -Cut! -(both laugh) We're kissing. (crew laughing) DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! (loud tap) (laughing): What happened? MAN: Guy was in the shot. -Oh. -DIRECTOR: Cut! But was he dressed like a demon? DIRECTOR: Do the second "my penis" as a question. Okay. And then "my other penis" as a question also? -Yeah. -Okay. Uh, but remember, you're jumping -to "What the hell is that?" -I know. -I don't know why. -You're jumping... Yeah. -There's just so many penises. -Welcome to Hollywood. I'm ready for it. Hey. I'm okay with this. That's the temporary nurses' shower. -And we're painting it. -DIRECTOR: Cut. That's the... temporary nurses' shower. I'm okay with this. Sorry, you guys. I... I'm okay with this. That's the nurses' temporary locker room, and we're repainting it. -(laughing) -DIRECTOR: Cut. Ouch. Hello here! MAN: B mark! -And background. -Action! Whoa. (bleep) (bleep) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jody! Ah. Thank God I caught you. I forgot to tell you, now that you are the Swan Queen... Suck my (bleep). I'll save you, Snoop Dogg. My name ain't Snoop Dogg in this (bleep) movie, man! (laughter) -Well, I mean, I... -Shh. (laughing) (laughing): Ew! Stop it! We're good. We're good. Now prepare for a night of unparalleled passion. -Oh, wait, wait. Mr Grey. -The safe word is "deeper". -What? -(whip cracks) -(screams) (clanging) -Ow! -Oh! (bleating) -Damn! -Ow! Whoa...! (grunting) (yelling) What does all this have to do with the ballet? -Ballet? (chuckles) -Yes. Aren't you donating millions? Millions? What...? I'm broke. Every cent I have has been put into this room. I don't know what I'm gonna do. (sobbing) Oh, cry me a river. I'm gonna need a little help. I don't have a penis. (laughing) (grunting) (laughing): It does not come off. It does not come off. I'm sorry. I'm getting tired of talking about this (bleep) in the woods with this man. (bleep), man, we keep going in circles, talking about a (bleep), man. (bleep) Let's talk about a (bleep), man, or getting some (bleep), getting some (bleep). Talking about (bleep) these two dudes in the woods. If we had a (bleep) here, she could wash our (bleep) off right now. You understand me? That's the way I would say it. Hey, babe, check out this psychic's book for a clue. It really freaks me out. (sighs) Come on. There's nothing to be... (yells) These books are all... (gasps, screams) There's nothing to be scared... (gasps, screams) (repeated screaming and grunting) ...to be scared... (gasps) (screaming) Oh, there's nothing to be scared... Oh, wrong animal. (bleep) ...be scared... A dinosaur? (bleep) What does this have to do with...? (laughing) I know. Sorry. DIRECTOR: And... action! What does this have to do with...? (laughing): Sorry. You just keep cupping your boobs. Okay, sorry. (laughing) (crunching) Okay, how do we know who's a witch? Do they have a broom? Do they have a pointy nose? (laughter) (laughing): I'm... I'm going to pee my pants! So, what, I didn't get the part? Where's everybody going?