1 I got a little present for ya. Uh, who is it? Sammy. Sammy the Bull? Sammy the Knife. I diced him up a little. Did you clean him? (Sniffs) Oh, man! Coming back from this weekend, right? Yep. All right, good luck. FUNK 'N' BASS MUSIC Oh, damn, Vince! Cheap leaky bags! Shit! Shit. You've looked better, Sammy. (Groans) Hey, baby, how are ya doing? Hey. Can I ask you an important question? Yeah, sure. Where directly the fuck have you been all week? I've been working. Looks like your ass is still working. I'm doing Vince a favour cos he got that thing this weekend. You're doing this for free. You've got to pay the mortgage and my car note. Did you see all these notices? When will you take care of your responsibilities instead of doing favours for your lame-ass co-workers? The way I see it, you're down at least $25,000. $25,000? Yeah, baby. How did that happen? And that's considering the mortgage, you know. Mmmm. The note on my Jag... ..and all the other expenses. Mmm-mmm. SLOSH! Ewww! Mmm, he's kind of cute. Who is that? Oh, that's Sammy the Knife. That's one of Costanzo's crew. (Sighs) That shit turns me off. Look, Vince will be here Saturday to pick him up so I'm leaving him here. You ain't going out this weekend? Maybe. Where's your fiancee? Maybe. Where's your fiancee? A'ight. Shit! 'THE FUN LOVIN' CRIMINAL' INTRODUCTION PLAYS RAP SONG: # One, two, three # And I come with the redneck style # Cos you know I'm gettin' paid by the mile # Like Avis, I pave this Fast save this # Everybody smile # And act gracious See I rob banks, I pull pranks # Sometimes I eat franks and knishes # Best wishes I'm vicious # And here I am again like CNN # Delivery, my friend # Stick 'em up, punk It's the Fun Lovin' Criminal # Stick 'em up, punk It's the Fun Lovin' Criminal. # Are you trying to clown me? I'm serious, dog. I've seen the light. Check out the six-pack. Looking kind of diesel there, kid. My workout's six days a week. You're gonna tell me you ain't never jerked your dick in your whole life until last week? That's bullshit, man. I never needed to. I've been fuckin' since I was 10. Yo, I can relate to that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cisco. Green clashes with my eyes, baby. It's gonna look good on you, though. Bust a move, man. We'll be late. Shit! Hey, Vinnie. Yo. Hear the news? What? He claim he don't bone females since he just NOW discovered wringing his rag. That true? No doubt. It's low maintenance. (Laughs) Fuck off. VINCE: Yo, Mel's like me, man. He loves a bumbag. He's got two of the sweetest...mmm. Whoa! If anybody needs to make a switch to straight jacking, it's Mel. Both of them whack chicken-heads is taking my man to the cleaners, especially Chantel. The way I see it, the loot I got saved and the money I'll clock this weekend, I can put a final payment on a Grande Pinocha. Just sail around the world. Can you imagine that? The damn Caribbean, Mediterranean... ..South Seas. Sounds great, bro. ELEVATOR BELL DINGS Yo, Vince, get in on that weekend job with me, Punch and Gump. We could use a fourth. I got that thing this weekend. Oh, well. All right, gentlemen, synchronise. FUNK 'N' BASS MUSIC You know the drill, baby. Word is bond. (Woman screams and pants) As agreed - three blondes under 20, Midwestern, no tattoos. How much? $50,000 apiece. WOMAN: $50,000? Shut your hole. TENSE MUSIC BUILDS Oh, fuck. Get ready in five, four, three, two, one. SILENCE Shit. All right? In five, four, three... (Women scream) PISTOLS COCK Uh, uh, go. Go! HEAVY ROCK MUSIC Aaarggh! GUNSHOTS GUNSHOTS Yo, it's getting thick in here, fellas. I need back-up. We got incoming out here, Mel. We'll hold 'em back for you, man. They're backing off. With the bonus from today's hit and this weekend's caper I should take a year off. This is a bonus hit? Without a doubt - 25 large to whoever clips the big man. Non-dairy creamer? Yeah. Get off. Oh!! Ahh! (Women scream) (Women scream) (Softly) Are you ladies OK? I'm really sorry about the mess. Time to get paid. Yes, sir. BOTH: Arggh! (Women scream) Take a piece of this! That's what we're talkin' about. That's what we're talkin' about. Yeah, man! (Both grunt) We fucked 'em up. Baby, you're so fine. I want to pour milk on you for my complete breakfast. Yo, baby, you got a number for me? 911. Come on, fellas, we gotta go. Quit wasting your time. We better find Mel before he gets my bonus. Damn lesbians! Come on, come on. Hey, Cisco, where the fuck you at? I need back-up. We're holding them back for you, baby. (Shoots twice) CONFUSED SHOUTING I'm outta here. I'm paying you to protect me. I'm outta here. I'm paying you to protect me. I can't spend it if I'm dead! GUNSHOT Ohh! (Gasps) LIFT STARTS SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC You bastard. MUSIC BUILDS Ahh! Oh, shit. Yo, Cisco, Vince. Come on, we gotta get out of here NOW. BEEPS Good work, good work, good work. OK, Mel...looks to me here like you owe me $25,000 in cash advances. Your commission should take care of that. But the good news is... here's your bonus. Thank you, sir. (Gasps) Oh. Oh, Mel got the bonus? What? Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Vince, that guy was still alive, huh? Extremely alive. Shit. I'm the one who clipped him. Don't think so. He was dead. OK. Sure, Mel, whatever you say. You know, I'm wrong and you're right. I'm just lying through my teeth to deny you your hard-earned bonus, pal. My kill, my bonus. I mean, if you say you're the one who clipped him, who am I to say you didn't... ..old friend? (Sighs) (Laughs) You're an honest man, Mel. Don't think I don't appreciate that shit, baby. Just to show you how much love I gots for you, you know, if anything were to, you know, happen to me, you could, uh... (Groans) ..you could take my boat. How'd that be, huh? Is that love or what? I guess. You gettin' lonely, baby? (Laughs) Oh, yeah, Daddy loves both of you. Mmm, mmm! Yeah. Damn, motherfucker. What? Yo, Mel. What, man? You sure you don't wanna get in tomorrow's little caper? Cisco, that's just like moonlightin'. The old bastard will kill us. You're too honest for your own good, baby. THRASH MUSIC PLAYS SONG: # Kung fu # Oh, that was one of my good ones # And what's a few broken bones... # Wrong house again, asshole! MEL: Sorry # Skateboards # I've almost made them respectable # You see I can't always get through to you # So I go through your son # Well, I'm the man CHORUS: # I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man # I'm the man, yo yo # I'm the man, man, man, man, man, man, man # Man, man, man, man, man, man, man # I'm the man, man, man, man, man, man, man... # PHONE RINGS # Man, man, man, man, man, man, man # I'm the man. # PHONE RINGS Hello. Melvin Smiley, please. This is he. (Chuckles) Mr Smiley, Big Top Video. We're calling to inform you you've had our copy of 'King Kong Lives' for over two weeks. Return it immediately or we will have you KILLED! Yeah! Hi, hon, how you doing? Fine. Have you seen my 'King Kong Lives' tape? No, haven't seen it. Mel, do you think my ass is still perky? Well, as a matter of fact... Go ahead, just give it a squeeze. Let me know what you think. Mmm. Is it still perky? Mm-hm. Is it firm, yet buoyable? (Sighs) Like a teenager. Is this turning you on? Uh-huh, like a lightswitch. Uh-huh, like a lightswitch. You know what I think we should do? I don't know. What? Invite Mom and Dad down for the holiday weekend. Well, actually they'll be here tomorrow. I figured we'd all have dinner together, huh? Anyway, it'll be a great opportunity for you and my parents to bond. I also think it'll be the right time to tell them we're engaged. You haven't told them yet? I've just been waiting for the right time, honey. I gotta break things gently to my parents, Mel. What do you mean? It was almost a year before you told them I wasn't Jewish. Technically, they don't know you're not Jewish. Technically, they don't know you're not Jewish. (Groans) Honey, honey, it's gonna be fine, OK? Listen, I fixed things between us just yesterday. THEY are gonna love you. Just as soon as they get over the whole goyim factor. What makes you think they'll love me? Well, remember I told you Dad's business was in trouble with the IRS? Yeah, so? He was unable to get a loan because of Mom's gambling in Atlantic City, the plastic surgery and everything, right? Are you still having problems with your stomach? Yeah. I told you about spicy food. Anyway, I decided to take the $50,000 from our savings account and I lent it to Dad. Ow! With your earnings and my salary, we'll be fine till they're on their feet, huh? we'll be fine till they're on their feet, huh? (Groans agonisingly) I can't believe that this guy is gonna give you 25 grand more. I mean, we already got $50,000 out of this clown already. I mean, we already got $50,000 out of this clown already. He thinks I'm paying my bills off. Well, you're not paying your bills, baby? Well, you're not paying your bills, baby? Hell, no. Why should I? Let his fucken' fiancee pay them off. EERIE, MENACING MUSIC Mel? Honey? Are you awake? Yeah. Melvin, I'm really starting to dislike you. I didn't find my money. (Echoes) (Pants) Are you all right, babe? Yeah. Shit. (Dials phone) Hello. In the house. Yo, Cisco, what's up? Yo, Cisco, what's up? Yo, Mel, what's up, kid? Hey, that thing for tomorrow? Yeah, baby. Yeah, can I still get in? SONG: # You start to run # Yeah, that figures when I pull my triggers # On you, brother killer man... # Yo, Gump, no fuck-ups with this kidnapping, boy. Come on, yo. I ain't like that no more, kid. You know I gots my shit... (Stutters) You got your shit together, you non-word-remembering motherfucker. Cisco, man, I don't know about no kidnapping shit, bro. A hundred large apiece. A hundred large apiece. A hundred? Word up. All right, here's the deal. There's this rich Japanese industrialist named Jiro Nishi. Nishi Electric? One and only, baby. Richest motherfucker in the eastern seaboard. Richest motherfucker in the eastern seaboard. How you know he's gonna pay? Yo, man, you're starting to sound just like a bitch. "How you know he gonna pay?" (Laughs) Come on, I gots this shit covered, kid. That motherfucker Nishi, he got millions in cash laying around. This motherfucker's loaded. This motherfucker's loaded. It was a legitimate question, man. (All laugh) GENTEEL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC MAN: Well, that's it, Mr Nishi. You are officially broke. Everything. How could this have happened? Jiro, you knew the market was bearish. That was a risky move making that movie. All my life, I wanted to make a movie - a big Hollywood movie. I understand, Jiro. 'Taste the Golden Spray' was a big movie. It was a huge movie. Actually, it was the biggest movie ever made. Maybe you shouldn't have directed and starred in it. I'm not the first person to make big movie. I know, Jiro, but gold leaf posters for everybody - that was excessive. I need to pick up my daughter at college. And? I can't afford to pay the driver. Oh, for crying out loud. How much is it gonna cost? It's a stretch limo. Stretch this. Fuck-ass, no! Hell, no! No way, kid. No advances. My chips are wrapped up in a Grande Pinocha. Crunch has spare loot. He don't spend it on shit, except maybe some smut. Yo, Crunch. What's up, man? Can you hook me with 25 Gs? You need it for that shallow bitch again, don't you? Who's a bitch? Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck? Get with the program, Mel. A straight jackin' saves you that mad cream. Oh, well. Call me at the crib later. I'll hook you up. Good looking out, man. Why am I encouraging you, Mel? Fuck both them bitches! If they're giving you shit, dump both their asses! Where is that limo? I can't, man. What do you mean? I can't, Cisco, OK? Why the fuck can't you dump these two whack-ass, money-grubbing, no respect giving bitches?! The truth? Yeah, I want the truth! CRUNCH: You can't handle the truth! Shut the fuck up! I just can't stand the idea of them not liking me anymore. Those women not liking me is more than I can stand. I can't stand the idea of anybody not liking me, OK? There, I said it. That's the truth. Yo, Mel. What? The hundred or so people you've murdered in the past five years more than likely have relatives who don't think too highly of you. (Cackles) MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? CHANTEL: Hey, baby. Hey, what's up, girl? You know why I called, don't you? You know why I called, don't you? Er...I don't know. Why did you call? Because, Melvin, I'm getting SICK OF YOUR ASS! Why do you always procrastinate? Why do you always procrastinate? Stand up to her, Mel. Melvin, why are you always procrastinating and lying to me... Car trouble? Melvin! Melvin! Melvin, put that damn phone to your ear! Hello? Show her you're the man. Melvin, what are you doing - playing with your friends? Oh, you're so pathetic! Goodbye! (Hangs up) Yeah, of course. You know I love you. So we'll hook up later? DIAL TONE SONG: # You gotta run # When I put my triggers on you, brother killer man... # Yo! There you go. This is the girl? (Sarcastically) No, it's your mammy! Goodbye, guys! Bye! See you later! Are you going to go? Yeah. I'll meet you there. See you tonight. Bye! Ha-ha! (Giggles) Lance! You're so nasty. A much deserved and hard won reputation. Am I still riding with you? Don't push my hand away. Aw! Come on, stop! What's your problem? Stop it! You didn't miss me today? Piss off! Good afternoon, Miss Nishi. Good afternoon, Miss Nishi. Hi. (Softly) Hi. Who are you? Where's Aaron? Who are you? Where's Aaron? He actually couldn't make it today. He's sick. Is this yours? Oh, yeah. OK. See ya! (Scoffs, chuckles) (Whistles) Er...actually, sir, I think it might be better if you got a ride from somebody else. if you got a ride from somebody else. Say, bro, don't worry about me. Drive the car. That's what you're paid to do. Don't forget my suitcase. CLUNK! Careful with that case, bro! There's a piece of fragile crystal in there. You break it, you'll be back driving cabs. You break it, you'll be back driving cabs. Sorry about that, sir. POUNDING TECHNO MUSIC Say, bro... Yes, sir. A little privacy? Yes, sir. Sorry about that. Yes, sir. Sorry about that. (Mockingly) Domestics! Lance... Lance, no. No! Come on. No, right! No means yes. Come on, baby. You know you want it. Stop! CLOTH TEARS Get off me! Come on, baby. Fucky-sucky! Me love you long time! Get off me! Stop! Stop it! Stop it now! Damn it! (Screams) TYRES SCREECH What's up with that, bro? (Screams, pants) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (Screams) 1 All right, he'll take his hand off your mouth. Don't scream or Gilligan will shoot you. I'll blow your, er...er... ..motherfucking, er... I think she gets the point. Professor. I'm sorry about your boyfriend back there. He was being kind of rude. Do you mind? OK, I guess I can figure this out. This is a kidnapping, right? Right. So what's up with you guys? Are you the Spice Boys or something? You know, you need to chill with that being witty shit. Professor, put the cuffs on her. Skipper, Professor - take care of that mess in the back seat. So you must be the Millionaire? Pretty soon. (Rewinds tape) Read this. "Father... "Father, I have been abduct. I am fine." Abducted. It says 'abduct'. Just say 'abducted'. "I have been abducted. "I am fine right now but I may not be for LORING. "If you do not pay the SUN of one million DULLARS..." Wait a minute. 'Loring'? "The sun of one million dullars"? What the...? That's what it says! That's 'long' and "..the sum of $1 million." You know what it means. You said, read this. Just say what it means! Wait, be careful with that one. That's Lance's crystal. It's really fragile. That's Lance's crystal. It's really fragile. Woo! "If you do not pay the SUM of $1 million, "you will never see me alive again. "These men mean businesses." (Snickers) Who wrote this?! CRUNCH! I think he's pissed about the note. It says 'businesses', that's what it says. You told me to read the note, not improv it. Improv?! What are you - Meryl fucking Streep? OK, improv the note! "These sexually frustrated degenerate losers mean business." Don't...don't... don't improv the note. Don't improv the note. Gump, give me a fucking pen. Read. "Dad, I've been kidnapped. Send $1 million or I'm dead." "Dad, I've been kidnapped. Send $1 million or I'm dead." Perfect. (Muffled cries) Hey, yo! Mel! What's up? Mel, my player, I've got a scenario. Since Chantel is cool, we'll put homegirl in storage at your place. Why my place? Because. Because why? Because. That's the best plan. Just do what I say. FUNKY MUSIC Yo, what about the limo? MEL: You want me to drive that too? (Testily) I've got the limo, the girl... CRUNCH: What's your name, kid? (Gump stutters) Don't fuck this up. I've got to get home and jerk off. Can you, er...er...er... Drive! Yes, I can drive. CAR ALARM HONKS DOORBELL CHIMES Hi, honey! Hiya, Ma. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Look at you! Hiya, Dad! How are ya? How was your train ride down? Fine. It was the cab ride over I could've lived without. This Turkish idiot, who barely spoke English, he drops us off at that shmuck next-door's house. And the bastard, could you believe, starts cursing at us! I need a drink. BOTH: NO! Ma... Yeah? Now, I'm not criticising you or anything like that, OK... Please! ..it's just that, er...I think maybe you should dress your age. (Laughs) I mean, look at Dad over there. You've got him dressed like a villain from 'Miami Vice'. Morton and I dress exactly the way we feel. (Belches) Come on, look at your father. He's a regular sex machine. (Chuckles) Yeah, a regular Brad Pitt. So, er...where is our benefactor? Are you OK? I'll be right back. I went to the bank, Melvin, and do you know what I found? Or do you know what I didn't find? Chantel, I wasn't able... Melvin, I am really starting to dislike you. (Groans) I didn't find my money! It's at Crunch's. I'll call and get it for you tonight. (Sighs) Now! GUMP: So, buddy, are you ready to, er... CISCO: Do it. Yeah. That's my word! Make sure we get this right. Crunch fucked up with that note he wrote earlier. All right, all right, all right. My phone is plugged into here. This motherfuckin' Tracebuster is going to keep that motherfucker from, er... Trace. ..tracing our shit. And not only does this Tracebuster keep a Buster from tracing your call, but it can also, er...er... Trace. ..trace the motherfucker that's tracing your shit! So what if they've got a Tracebuster too? That's why I've got this Tracebuster Buster. When a motherfucker tries to bust your trace with a Tracebuster this motherfucker's going to bust the motherfucking Tracebuster that's busting your, er...er... Trace. That's my word. Play up! All right, we'll use my cell phone. We'll just patch that shit into here, all right? Plug and play. Motherfucker! Yo! (Man sings melancholy song in Japanese) PHONE RINGS (Gasps) Hello. Mr Nishi, you don't know me, but I have something you may want to hear. KEIKO ON TAPE: It says 'businesses'... Hold on a second. That's not it, OK? RECORDING REWINDS RAPIDLY These sexually frustrated dev... Hold on, all right? Just...you know, just...relax. Just...you know, just...relax. RECORDING REWINDS RAPIDLY All right. Now, you listen to this. CISCO ON TAPE: Boot polish, haemorrhoid cream... Shit! (Curses in Japanese) DIAL TONE Hello? Hello? That motherfucker had the nerve to hop smart on my ass! 1 (Sings melancholy song in Japanese) PHONE RINGS (Gasps) (Pants) What? TAPE RECORDING REWINDS RAPIDLY What?! KEIKO: Dad, I've been kidnapped. Send $1 million or I'm dead. Who is this? Don't worry about that. We have your daughter. We want $1 million or she dies. Is she...OK? If we don't get that money, she won't be. I don't have money. I...I go bankrupt. Bullshit! Don't fuck with us, or we'll send your daughter back in little pieces! You've got till noon tomorrow or your precious daughter is a slab of meat, understand? I...I understand. At 10:00am I'll tell you where the drop goes down. And no cops, or I start cutting. And don't try tracing this call because it won't work. Now, that's how you do shit! I gots this shit well in control! We're about to get paid! Not call the police! Fuck the police! Was I a bad motherfucker or what? You were so bad, er... ..motherfucker. Motherfucker! BAD! Bad motherfucker! B-b-b-bad! Bad! Mean! Nasty! TRACEBUSTER BEEPS I trace you, buster. (Giggles) PHONE RINGS Up you go! Go! Go! (Laughs) Hello. (Speaks Japanese) That's it, baby! Today and tomorrow we set up the drop and by noon we get PAID! Yo, my nigger! We're gonna get paid! We're gonna get paid! In the house! Get your ass down to my office in 20 minutes. Fuck! Motherfucker! What? Paris has called me for some emergency shit. Don't do jack until I get back. If you want I'll set up the, er... Don't do shit until I get back! But... I'm really sorry, Melvin. I mean, it's nice to finally meet you. You seem like a nice enough German-Irish fella and I hope you won't take any offence when I say...what are you both, out of your minds?! Ma! We know what we're doing! Oh, yeah? Hit me. You're going to kill your father. Hit me. Marriage?! You two?! A Catholic and a Jew! (Makes spitting sounds) You'll put your father in an early grave. Hit me. What's it doing to your parents?! Actually, they're both dead. You see?! Do you see?! Ma, they were dead before we even met! Please! I know what this is about. This isn't about Daddy or Mel's parents. It's about you. You're...prejudiced. Prejudiced?! Yeah. I'll have you know, young lady, there's not one prejudiced bone in my body! A-ha! Not prejudiced! Ha! If I want to marry goyim, I'll marry goyim! Over my dead body, you will! I'll marry a black man! You shut your face! What do you think about that? (Arguing continues indistinctly) Excuse me, sir. I just want to apologise. I didn't mean to cause such a schlamazel here. I'll take them to Temple tomorrow. Well, do you think that might work? Mr Shulman? Mort. Sir...sir, I know how your wife feels about me and Pam. I would never try to marry her without your blessing. Melvin? Yes, sir. Could you get me a shot of that rum I saw in there? Yeah, sure. TENSE MUSIC BUILDS BOTH: NOOOOOO! (Bubbling screech) Never give Daddy something to drink EVER. Why? It's horrible. It's not so bad. "It's not so bad"?! He's a meshuggener, that's what he is! LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC SIRENS WAIL Yo, boss, what's going on? (Harshly) Sit down and shut up. Mm-hm. Fine. Even for those who live outside the law... ..it is commonly understood that there are certain guidelines, certain rules, which must be observed. Otherwise, what you have is anarchy. I hear you, boss. We run a serious business here, the business of making money. This business is based on trust and loyalty and honour. In the house of Paris, that's all we've got. That's it, baby. It's all about love. EERIE MUSIC When the rules are broken in the house of Paris, the machine breaks down. Discipline must be enforced. Order must be restored. In my house, there has been a transgression - an unauthorised kidnapping in MY house. Who could be that stupid? Who could be that stupid? It gets worse. In this particular case, the transgression is personal. In this case... ..the kidnappee happens to be my goddaughter! Oh, fuck, no! Some rock, some dolt, some less than senseless thing has decided to come to my house and kidnap my goddaughter. And I am looking... ..I am searching for a motherfucker stupid enough to fuck with me. Yo, boss. What's this got to do with me? I want to know what you would do to that son of a jackal. Me? I would...you know, I would, um... I would...you know, I would, um... WHAT would you do to someone who decided to fuck with you in your own house? I'd bust some caps! (High-pitched) "Bust some caps!" Give this man a gold star! It is YOU who... MOBILE PHONE RINGS Give me that! CRUNCH! It is you that I am putting in charge of this whole operation. It is YOU who must GO FORTH... ..and bring these motherfuckers to me! TENSE MUSIC PEAKS Let's just take the money and go to L.A., where people like us belong. I love this movie. BOISTEROUS ROCK MUSIC SONG: # I was sick and wailing # Just a big complainer # When I heard the phone # I dropped the receiver and did not believe her # When I heard her say, "You're not alone" # When I am down and I am blue all I have to do # Is close my eyes and think of you... # DOORBELL CHIMES Chantel, what the hell are you doing here? I'm just dropping your shit off before saying goodbye. Goodbye. I'm leaving this town. What the hell are you doing? Chantel, you... (Whimpers) Oh, shit. (Squeals) I'm getting a glass of prune juice. Hurry up. We've got a long way to go. I know a short cut. # I was sick and wailing # Just a big complainer # When I heard the phone # I picked up the receiver and did not believe her # When I heard her say, "You're not alone" # When I am down and I am blue all I have to do # Is close my eyes and think of you # And the world is new... # Oh, no, no. Sweetie, don't do that. What's in there? It's heavy. It's deer meat. What? Cisco went hunting. He gave me the meat because he's a vegetarian, you know? There's a dead deer in there? Yeah. That's gross. Honey, take it to the garbage. That's gross. Honey, take it to the garbage. Sorry about that. # Life was getting hectic and things were unexpected # When I first received your call # But now it's the best thing that filled up what was missing # And now my life is envied by all # When I am down and I am blue # All I have to do... # Mom, pour me some coffee. Honey, you don't wanna go in there. I need something outta there. It smells really bad. Stinky poo. Oh, no, that's disgusting! DOG BARKS Morton, look at that dog. Hey! You giant rat! There's something so peculiar about that boy. # ..all I have to do # Is close my eyes and think of you # And the world is new... # PHONE RINGS Hello. Hello. Big Top Video. Mel! Now I'm hearing things. (Moans) THUMP! MRS SHULMAN: Not going to Temple! Hello. Hello! Understandable you're avoiding us, sir. We're calling about... Sorry about that. I apologise. She has become godless! "What's wrong, little girl? Why are you crying?" "I want to rent 'King Kong Lives'!" Who are you talking to? "I'm sorry, but you can't rent that! "Melvin Smiley has that right now, "and he's too busy to bring it back." I promise I'll bring it back. Errgh! Honey, aren't you going to Temple? No! What do you mean no? You're going to ruin my surprise. I don't like surprises. What surprise? I was planning on cooking a nice kosher meal for you and your folks. DOG GROWLS This I gotta see! Will you excuse me one second? Let go of that! Let go! Get out of here! You are a pathetic little man! Pam! Shit! # ..and the world is new. # Hi. You're back. Yeah. Daddy had to make a pit stop and I forgot my purse. You don't need a pit stop, Mrs Shulman? No, I'm fine right here. It's a long drive. I'm fine. You sure? I'm sure. Um, I forgot a thing in the trunk there. Well, you better get it out of there. I will. What's that? It's his thing! Come on, get in. We're late! If that's a dead deer, Melvin, get it out! I swear! I can do this! Cisco, where the fuck are you? CLOCK TICKS MUMBLES: Don't call. Don't you call. Don't you fucking call, you stupid fuck. They got Tracebuster Buster. Tracebuster Buster Buster for their ass! All right, think, think! Crunch! Be cool, playboy. I got you covered. I tell you what. I'll pick the chick up and keep her here at my crib. Feel better? Much. What time? Give me an hour and a half. Cool? Yeah. Cool. Thanks, bro. Oh, sh... You ready again? You ready? Come on! Are you OK? Mm-hm. I'll take your gag off, but promise not to scream? I don't suppose you could take these cuffs off too? Sorry. I didn't think so. Listen, I have to pee. Oh, yeah. Hey! I need a little help. Oh! Sorry. No. No, I need help with my underwear. Unless you wanna take my cuffs off. Sorry. Sorry. SONG: # I can feel them # Ah...but I wish I had # Someone to call my own... # I'm done! # ..someone to call my own... # You don't seem like a kidnapper. You don't seem like a kidnapper. I'm usually not. Are you going to flush? Yeah. Technically, you could call me a hit man. (Giggles) Really? A hit man? Does that pay well? Of course. I make a killing. Ah, thank you. You're welcome. God, I'm hungry. You must be starved. I'm so hungry I could eat a... Horse? I could ever eat a horse. Let me know what you want. I'll go cook it. You'll put a hit on it for me? Yeah. How about a pterodactyl? You're in luck. I just whacked a rare extra cheese and peperoni pterodactyl. Cold or nuked? Nuke it. So, that girl from the other house, she your girlfriend? Chantel? I guess so, kind of. But I'm engaged to Pam. Chantel is kind of your girlfriend, but you're engaged to Pam? Sounds complicated. Wanna tell me more? Cisco, I can do this! I ain't no fuck-up. I can do this! I'll prove with my ass to all you motherfuckers that I can handle my... ..uh, uh... ..business! Yeah! I can handle my business! PHONE RINGS Hello? GUMP: Mr Nishi, noon today. One million dollars cash, in a plastic garbage bag. In the garbage can near the Abbey Shelter on McBryde Trail, right off of Old School Road. Do you understand, Mr Nishi? Er, I, er, don't understand... ..Maco Blide? What?! No, no, hang up! Hang up! What is a Maco Blide? McBryde Trail is a, er, ah, er... ..a goddamn... What is a Maco Blido? It's a motherfucking, er, ah, a... ..a god...goddamn, er, thing! Er, ah... Oh... ..a...a...a god...goddamn... ..um...oh...uh...uh... I...I...I understand. McBryde Trail? I will drop money there. Good. Get him. GET HIM! Let's go! Let's go! Faster! (Keeps shouting orders) It's your life. You have to take some responsibility. It seems like no matter what I do it's never good enough. You know, it's starting to make me miserable. You can't blame Chantel and Pam for taking advantage of you. You make it way too easy. I'm not blaming them - at least I'm not trying to. All I want them to do is be happy. You know? I just can't stand the idea of them not liking me anymore. To be honest, I can't stand the idea of anybody not liking me. To be honest, I can't stand the idea of anybody not liking me. That sounds pretty dysfunctional. Why do you say that? What do you mean? I mean, you might suffer from a borderline personality disorder. And you have codependency issues, too. And you have codependency issues, too. What? You're whipped. You seem like a nice guy, not like the others. You have to do what's right for you. You're really smart, you know that? RAP MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY ON TV What the fuck is that? Hey! All right, you filthy kidnapping scum... ..person, you! Where's the girl? She's at... Don't get cute with us, scumbag. I been sent here by my boss, Paris, whose goddaughter you happen to be kidnapping, to find her! If you wanna stay breathing after this second, you better tell me... (Whispers) Melvin. ..where the fuck she is and who... (Whispers) Melvin. ..is the insidious mastermind behind this plot! (Whispers) Melvin. Melvin? Melvin? Melvin Smiley? Melvin Smiley is the mastermind behind this kidnapping? Ah! Oh, my God! Ah, what a world! I mean, the humanity! The betrayal! He was like a brother to me, man! Oh, well. Yaarrgh! Don't be scared to die. Look at it as a privilege. You were always dying to do something for me. Now's your chance. All right, no more Mr Nice Guy. Now we're gonna find Melvin Smiley and we're gonna kill him. 1 Melvin. Son of a bitch. I knew he had financial problems, but I never dreamed he'd go this far. Find the girl, then deal him! Jiro San! Pack up, we are going for a ride. Who knows what unspeakable things they do to my little girl. It says here to soak the matzo for five minutes. Is this traditional Jewish cooking? I hope so. It's the only Jewish cookbook in the house. You need margarine to saute the mushrooms. You need margarine to saute the mushrooms. OK. Oh, shit! Is that kosher? Oh, shit! Is that kosher? Like I would know. You need to stir it round so it doesn't stick. I could help you better without these cuffs on. All right. SONG # If there's somebody calling me on # She's the one... # You know, you're pretty good at this. Ever cook for your dad? My father doesn't even know I'm alive. Not until I have to impress some of his associates. Do you have any brown sugar? Yeah. Do you know what it's like living to please others? I mean, I guess you do, huh? It's a drag. Sometimes I wish I could just get away. Know what I mean? Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact. I'm always trying to get away. Come here. What are you doing? You're missing the point. The joy of cooking is to use your hands and get messy. Get in there. Hey, I like it. # ..you'll be so high you'll be flying... # Now we have to glaze our LM4 white leghorn. Our...LM what? Common broiler chicken. I'm studying them in Advanced Biotechnology. # ..and if there's somebody calling me on # She's the one # If there's somebody # Calling me on # She's the one # When you get to where you want to go # And you know the things you want to know # You're smiling # When you said what you want to say # And you know the way you want to play it # You'll be so high you'll be flying... # Oh! Damn! I'm sorry. Sorry about that. I'll clean it up, OK? # We were one # We were free # If there's somebody # Calling me on # She's the one # If there's somebody # Calling me on # She's the one. # Did you know that the white leghorn was successfully bred with the Ross Sire line to create the hybrid known as the Roslin QTL cross? to create the hybrid known as the Roslin QTL cross? Of course. Doesn't everybody? It gave rise to over 33 different phenotypes, all distinct for reaching their sexual maturity within two months. And then we eat them? Yep. You know, it's kinda sad, in order to feed us, something so young and in the prime of its life... ..has to die. OH! Help! Help! Keiko! (Groans) I'm sorry. Oh, shit! Fuck! DIALLING TONES Ay, ay, ay! Here you go, Ma. You feel better, Bunza Bun? Getting your hair done always helps to mend a broken heart. You're doing the right thing, baby. We have to preserve our heritage. You'll tell him after eating. Better he should have a broken heart on a full stomach. You think he'll take the money back? Hey! Hi, Mel, whatcha doing? Oh, nothing. How was your outing? Fine. Smells like good something's cooking. We're ready to eat when you are. PHONE RINGS Hello? Yo, dude, this is Crunch. Crunch. What's up? Hold on. Can you excuse me a second? Sure. Let's go. Hello? Crunch, what's going on? 1 Left. Right here. This is the place. I'm getting the fuck outta the country. You need to do the same now. I went by the office today. Paris is planning a big hit. Hold it! I said it should have some lanolin in it. Not some goddamn aloe vera bullshit, motherfucker. Get it straight! It seems like some motherfucker's done gone and kidnapped Paris's goddaughter. Some Japanese bitch. OUR Japanese bitch. See what I'm saying? You just gotta let him have it, point blank. It's over! Kaput! That's it! Yeah, but Ma, it just seems very harsh. Cisco's trying to save himself. He's after all of us. You gotta g-g-go. My advice. Get the fuck outta Dodge now, nigger. There's a hit squad coming for your ass right now! Peace out! Shit! DRIVEN, THUMPING MUSIC Here, Morton, here's your prune juice, darling. Leave the bottle. DOORBELL RINGS Who's that? CISCO: Hi. Hello. Is Melvin Smiley here? We're Melvin's co-workers. We work in the same office as him. MRS SHULMAN: Really? Is that chicken I smell? MRS SHULMAN: Really? Is that chicken I smell? Have you all eaten? Lunch? As a matter of fact, I haven't eaten all day. Boys? Could you eat something? Come on in. Oh, you're so gracious. Thank you. He's a devoted colleague, a man who works for the betterment of society. He's a devoted colleague, a man who works for the betterment of society. Why does Melvin work on weekends? He works for the homeless a lot. He sells computers to the homeless? You'd be surprised how many... homeless people buy computers. You'd be surprised how many... homeless people buy computers. Oh, really? Hello, Melvin. Hi, Melvin. You guys wanna go talk about this outside? SOMEONE TAPS WINE GLASS Sit down, Melvin. I'd like to propose a toast. To my wife... Oh, Morton! A lovely woman who, for the past eight years, has cost me over $200,000 in plastic surgery bills. And what was the end result of all that surgery? A 57-year-old woman with the face of a beautiful 25-year-old ape! Oh, Morton! Shut your pisk! Oh, my God. Many men have found me to be a ravishing creature. Don't you think I'm attractive still? A ravishing creature? Yes. Certainly. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, sure. Thank you. I agree you're a creature. Morton, just sit down! You're drunk! Morton, just sit down! You're drunk! To my darling daughter Pamela, a princess, my only child, and the source of constant pride to degenerate, manipulative, gold-digging leeches the world over. Daddy! Which leads me to my would-be son-in-law Melvin, who's very charming in a 'Rain Man' kind of way, but obviously not good enough for some parties! Daddy, you better... Sit down and shut your pisk! Morton, please. Sit down! Now, where was I? So... When we meet this young man, we have a big fight. Then he comes to me like Sidney Poitier in 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner'. A fine film, I might add. And he proclaims, "I will not marry your daughter, unless I have your blessing." To which I say... .."She doesn't deserve you." "You deserve to be in an environment of tolerance "and brotherhood." When I see four men of different races, colours and creeds sitting together at the dinner table, it fills me with hope. For you see, my friends, you four men are what this country is all about. Morton! Ooh! That's enough! (Women scream) Ooooh! Gross! You nasty motherf...! It's bonus time, and guess who's the bonus! Hey, yo, Mel - you're missin' me, baby? You backstabbing motherfucker! We're supposed to be friends! You backstabbing motherfucker! We're supposed to be friends! (Vomits) We're still friends. I just need some space right now. I still love you, baby! GUNFIRE Just like you loved Gump, huh? Just like you loved Gump, huh? Every man for himself, Mel! DRAMATIC MUSIC Move it out! Freddy, you're with me! (Continues shouting out instructions) (Screams and sobs) Oh, Mama. Pam? GUNSHOTS CONTINUE Yeah? Were you gonna break up with me? Uh...yeah. I guess this is goodbye, then, Mrs Shulman. I guess this is goodbye, then, Mrs Shulman. Yes! Yes! I'm sorry about the meal and all. I'm sorry about the meal and all. Things could be worse! I'm sorry about the meal and all. Things could be worse! GUNFIRE AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE TYRES SQUEAL He's fuckin' getting away! Shit! (Fires gun) Someone stop him! "Don't worry, baby. This'll shave four hours off our drive!" We're right back where we started, you fuckin' idiot! He's an animal! I should've found the money. Don't worry, old friend - he won't hurt her. She's the only insurance he's got. DRAMATIC MUSIC BULLETS STRIKE BOOT (Screams) TYRES SQUEAL (Screams) OMINOUS MUSIC Mmmm!! Shit! AGH! AGH! AGH! AGH! AGH-GH-GH-GH! (Mr Nishi yells) That was intense! I'll be right back. Oh, God! My leg! I think I broke my leg! Nice fuckin' driving, Mario! Now get us outta here! Do you have a AAA card? Mine expired. Oh, my God! He's got a gun! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC You were gonna keep this, weren't you? You were gonna keep this, weren't you? He wanted it. You should be ashamed of yourself. Melvin! Melvin, I'm sorry! Baby, can we just talk about this? Melvin, I love you! Shit! DARK, DRAMATIC MUSIC TYRES SQUEAL I wanted it, huh? Well, if you would've stayed your narrow ass on the freeway like I told you to, this wouldn't have happened! (Gasps) THUD! You wouldn't happen to know where Melvin is headed, would you? TYRES SQUEAL (Coughs) GUN COCKS You wouldn't happen to know where Melvin might be headed, would you? Would you? So, what happens now? I drop you off and you go home. I mean with us. What happens with us? TYRES SQUEAL Look, if you're gonna be with me, there's certain things you need to understand. I'm a contract killer. I murder people for money. So far, they've been bad people - give or take a few obnoxious ones. That's what I do. It's the only thing I'm good at. That's what I do. It's the only thing I'm good at. I'm cool with that. But with me, your life's gonna be in danger! A constant adrenaline rush? Are you kidding? I like it. Understand this, OK? I absolutely, positively cannot be the only one falling head over heels in love in this relationship. It's gotta be mutual. I'm feeling you, Skipper. I'm gonna go in there and return this tape. When I come back, if you really want to, then we'll disappear together. SONG: # If there's somebody calling me on # She's the one # If there's somebody calling me on # She's the one... # CAR ENGINE ROARS # She's the one... # (Laughs evilly) (Keiko screams) CAR THUDS DOWN (Screams) Skipper... Just stay still. Please. (Whimpers) Oh, God! I'll get us outta here. Just calm down. You don't seem that calm! (Whimpers) Oh, shit! Are you OK? (Shakily) Uh-huh. All right, we can get out the back. (Breathes shakily) Come on. It's safe. Just don't look down. Agh! DRAMATIC MUSIC Skipper, look! Oh, shit. You gotta get outta here. Meet me by the video store. I gotta deal with this guy. POUNDING MUSIC (Fires gun) GUN CLICKS Shit! (Cackles) AGH! AGH! (Pants) UNEASY SILENCE ROARING NOISE APPROACHES DRAMATIC MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC THROBS AND BUILDS ENGINE ROARS AGH-H-H! DRAMATIC MUSIC POUNDS Agh! UH! (Grunts frustratedly) ENGINE ROARS CRACK! (Pants) EXPLOSION WONDROUS MUSIC The most expensive stand-up in the history of motion-picture marketing! Awesome! DRAMATIC MUSIC Wh...? Smiley! Hmmm... Here's your fuckin' tape back. Ah...let's see here. (Types on keyboard) Ooh-ooh! Late charges. Oh, Momma! What's this? The tape's not rewound? OH! That's gonna COST ya! You know, I've taken a lotta shit from you. I've put up with your high prices, lousy selection... No... ..and your rude phone calls! Sorry... I want to tell you one thing. What? I will never, EVER rent tapes from here again, you snotty little... I'm gonna finish what I started, motherfucker! No, no! Please, no... AGH! Good luck, bitch. Yeah? Let's go, motherfucker! Let's work! POUNDING MUSIC Where's the girl?! I let her go! Whoa! You let that bitch go?! I can't believe how fuckin' stupid you are, man! Whoa! She ain't no bitch, man. She's not a bitch? I see. You like this girl. Come on! She tricked you! Just another whore manipulating your sorry ass to get what she wants! You don't know what you're talkin' about. That's not true. Haven't I taught you nothin'? She don't like you! Hell, man, I don't fuckin' like you! MUSIC WAILS CRACK! Agh! SLASH! Shit, man! When I found you, you was nothin'. I taught you everything you know! Hey, remember that promise I made about my boat? I lied! You ain't getting shit! Cisco, I don't give a fuck! MUSIC SCREECHES TO A HALT SHELVES CRASHING DOWN MUSIC STARTS UP AGH! (Continues struggling) Son of a bitch! Well, ain't that a bitch? (Both pant) All I wanted to do was to sail my boat, man. You know? Navigate by the stars. See dolphins racing alongside. You know? Maybe even kill a few of 'em. GENTLE SPANISH GUITAR Yo, Mel... I could almost see it, man. It's fuckin' beautiful! Mel? Mel? I'm here, buddy. I can't see it no more, man. I can see it. You're there, man. You're there now. Right there on the deck. It's just you and the sea, man - one on one. You're free now. (Breathes heavily) CLICKING SOUNDS DRAMATIC MUSIC Shit! BEEPS ON CONTINUOUS BLEEPING BLEEPING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Keiko-chan! (Gasps) OMINOUS MUSIC BUILDS No! QUIET, DARK MUSIC GLASS SHATTERS My little buttercup. (Speaks Japanese) (Whimpers) (Speaks softly) SOBBING OH! (Sobs) Why? Oh, that is so cool. I can't believe they're making a movie about your kidnapping! My dad's in LA right now, finalising the deal. This is such a story! Your dad was, like, totally broke, then you get kidnapped, and now they're making a big movie?! I mean, your dad must be so happy. Yeah. Everything's back to normal. Anyway, my ride's here. I gotta go. Straight home, ma'am? Or would you like to get away from it all? Or would you like to get away from it all? Skipper? UP-BEAT MUSIC Oh! I...I don't understand! Thanks a lot, Vince. Let's go. You got it, kid. You know your dad's movie display? Uh-huh. It was really well made. SONG: # Pretty soon now You know I'm gonna make a comeback # And like the birds and the bees in the trees # It's a sure-fire smash... # So? Yeah? Are we gonna disappear or what? You're the man. # I'm the man # I'm the man, I'm the man # I'm the man that gave you the hula-hoop # I'm the man # I'm the man, I'm the man # I'm the man that gave you the yo-yo # I'm the man # I'm the man, I'm the man # I'm the man that gave you the hula-hoop # I'm the man # I'm the man, I'm the man # I'm the man that gave you the yo-yo # I'm the man, man, man, man, man, man, man # Man, man, man, man, man, man, man # I'm the man, man, man, man, man, man, man # The man, man, man, man, man, man # I'm the man! # RAP SONG PLAYS www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015