1 1 Right, ten-hut! Here's our man - Professor Plummer. He's been kidnapped by a group of Serbian rebels. I know we've been up for 72 hours, but I expect perfection - nothing else. "(BEEPING)" The enemy has a boat, four jet skis and a chopper. I'll take you guys in until we hit radar range, then you'll dive from there. Once we hit our target, Red-1, Red-2, you take out our escorts. I'll handle the chopper and I'll find the professor. Red-3, you radio in for our 'copter. Do you copy? Sir, yes, sir. Do you copy? (ALL) Sir, yes, sir! We are SEALS,... and this is what we do. 1 1 1 1 (ALL YELL) (WHINE OF DYING POWER) (SHOUTING) Aaargh! Aaaarrrrgh! "Red-2, handle the boat. I'll take care of the bozos on the jet skis." (MUFFLED) Huh?! Gotcha. Lieutenant Shane Wolfe, US Navy. Where's the briefcase? (GRUNTS) Right behind you. Man, am I glad to see you! I never thought I'd see my family again. I'll get you out of here - my way. No highway option. Yeah. Totally. Thank you so much for saving my life. If I'd died back there, my wife, she would've killed me! Just a joke... Can I call her just to tell her I'm OK? I have strict orders to get you out safely. We got to keep moving. I am safe. She thinks that I'm dead! Alright. Make it quick. OK! Zoe, Seth, Lulu, Peter, Tyler. It's voice-activated. Hey! (LAUGHS) These are my kids. You'd like 'em. They're really great. I doubt it. Hurry up! Hey! We're almost ready. Give us another sec. Professor! (GUNSHOTS) Doctor says you've healed up real good, Shane. I should've been out weeks ago. I know heads are gonna roll for this. Hey, you took a bullet. I take full responsibility for what happened to the professor. Plummer was the best security expert the Department of Defence ever had. He was working on a program to scramble launch codes called GHOST - guided high-altitude scrambling transmitter. One pulse from that, a country can't launch its own nukes. That's why he was kidnapped. They thought GHOST was in that briefcase. It's still out there - which is why I'm sending you back in. I know you've never lost anybody before. I was with your father when he led a platoon - With all due respect, can we leave my father out of this? It happens to the best of them. And you're the best. I need someone I can trust on this, and I know I can trust you. OK. I'll put a team together. No. It's not that kind of mission. This is the Pentagon's top priority. 'Two days ago I got a call from Admiral Blair.' 'It seems the professor's widow contacted him.' 'Whoever killed her husband thinks that GHOST is still in her home.' 'Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. A safety-deposit box has been discovered in Zurich in the Plummers' name, and I've been assigned to escort her there.' 'We're hoping it's the GHOST program.' 'In the meantime, someone needs to watch over those kids.' 'That's where you come in. You'll look for the hidden program, too.' (SQUEAKING) (TOY SQUEAKS LOUDLY) (RINGS DOOR BELL) (SHRIEKS) You must be Lieutenant Wolfe! Admiral Blair said you'd be coming! Come on in. Meet the rest of the gang. Come on! Kids? Get your butts down here and say hello. OK. You've already met Lulu. This is Zoe, Seth and Peter. Kids, this is Lieutenant Wolfe. He's gonna be staying with you while I'm away. (BOTH GIRLS) Hi. Hi. Oh! This is Helga... and Tyler. Ma'am. Baby. That's a pretty dress. Thank you. I have date with butcher tonight. I want to look nice - (SPLAT!) Aaaagh! (GASPS / SPEAKS CZECH) (SOBS) You have a pleasant family. Well, for the younger ones I think it hasn't really sunk in yet. It's been hardest on Zoe and Seth. But they don't really like to talk about it. It must be hard on all of you. Howard wasn't around much. His work took him all round the world. He'd be gone for months. I can understand that lifestyle. Anyway,... about a week ago, someone broke into the house. No-one was home. I didn't tell the kids cos I didn't wanna scare them. Mrs Plummer, I've dealt with - Agh! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. That's Gary. He was Howard's. Gary, down. He bit me. Yeah, well, he thinks he's a guard dog. Mrs Plummer... Oh, call me Julie, please. I-I'm gonna go outside, have a look around. Out. Out. # "Everyday Superhero" - Steve Harwell # Just a day job that someone's got to do # Someone's got to do # It's kinda hard when everyone looks up to you # Try to make it look easy, gonna make it look good # Like anybody would # I'm just an average, ordinary # Everyday superhero # Nothing more than that # It's all I really am... # I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss you, too. I'll be back in 48 hours, OK? Bye, pumpkin. Oh, and, kids? Remember, whatever Lieutenant Wolfe asks you to do, do it. Mom, chill. We're gonna be fine. Sorry. I don't do this very often. It's only for a few days. Yeah. OK. Here you go, Helga. I take baby. Bye. (BABY CRIES) You have the emergency number? Don't worry. Your kids will be safe with me. Your little angels will be fine, Mrs Plummer. Go? Go. Bye-bye. Bye! Have some fun. Bye-bye. Tell me, are you licensed to kill? No, ma'am. Hm! Too bad. It could have come in handy. (RATTLE OF GUNFIRE) (GUNSHOTS / SCREAMING) Hey! Where's the baby? Shut up! No, she didn't. Shut up! (GARY QUACKS) Is there anyone here that understands the meaning of the word "discipline"? Hey, Flipper, you don't like it, do something. I make bottle. (GASPS) (BABY CRIES) Thank you, Peter(!) (CHUCKLES) "(BEEPING)" Yes! "(BEEPING CONTINUES / STOPS)" Agh! Gotcha! Argh! (ALARM WAILS) What's the problem? Get off me! What are you doing, you jerk? That's my boyfriend. So you're the one that's been breaking in! Go back inside. No! (IN CHINESE) We speak English, buddy. Look, about the sirens - we own a bakery, so we're up kinda early. Would you mind? Sorry. (SIREN STOPS) Oh, and... we found this in our pool filter. Try to keep that zoo reined in, huh, baby-sitter? (TOY SQUEAKS) Handle me like that again and I'll lay knuckles upside your head. Enough is enough! Scott, let's go. No, you don't. Get back here. Gimme 20. I meant push-ups! Zoe...? Drop down! Do 20! One... This is not the army or the navy! Nice move, Lieutenant Smooth(!) He'll probably never speak to me. Then, I did you a favour. Whoa! Personal-bubble invasion. Your mother was worried sick about you. You should tell her the truth. I'm sure you'll do that for me. Stay out of my life! Agh! Oh! You can't do this! I have plans! It's Saturday night! Not any more. You too. Lights out. Oh, bite me. Boy, this family's in for a rude awakening. # Don't make a move till you're in the groove # And do the Peter Panda dance # Just hop three times like a kangaroo # Side-step twice just like those crabs do # Three steps forward # One step back # And quick, like a turtle # Lie on your back (CONTINUES TO SING, FADING OFF) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (WHISTLE BLOWS) Agh! (BLOWS WHISTLE) What are you doing? You're burning daylight. Move! It's Sunday... and it's 6:00am! You're insane! Listen up! Your behaviour is unacceptable. In order to maintain a state of safety, we need to maintain a state of order. (HELGA SINGS) We going to be strong mine-worker when we grow up. Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! Now, I've only got one rule. Everything is done my way. No highway option. Do you copy? Do you copy? What? I said, do you copy? What? I said, do you copy? Do not copy me! Do not copy me! Hey, I mean it. Cut it out! Hey, I mean it. Cut it out! (FARTY NOISE) Peter farted. Oh, that is so gross. Quiet! Everybody up. That means you, too. Tracking devices! Never take 'em off. The panic button is for emergencies only. Touch that, you'd better be dying - or you're dead. I would rather chew off my arm than wear that. Just because Mom is paranoid doesn't mean we have to take your orders. Let me explain the chain of command. I tell you what to do, AND YOU DO IT! End of chain. I'm not gonna have time to remember your names. You'll be Red Leader. Red Baby, Red-1, Red... Where's the older man? There were five. He walks... like Dracula, with footsteps silent like death! He's in his room. Red-2! Red-2, open up! Red-2! (TOILET FLUSHES) What have you done?! What? I thought... Is this what you're trained to do? A shock-and-awe on my door? I can fix that with a hammer and some nails. It's easy - No, it's not! Look! It's broken in half. You can't fix that. If you'd been wearing this, this wouldn't have happened. What are you talking about? I was in the bathroom! You know I would never ask you for your help - but he has got to go. 'Somebody help me, please!' Whoo! Help! Stop it, Peter. It's nuts! Peter, cut this out. Hey. Good soldiers aren't scared of anything. I'm not scared. I'm annoyed. Ever since he heard Daddy say there was a ghost in the house, he puts that on and chases me everywhere. It drives me crazy. Peter, have you seen this ghost? Nn-nn. Right. Here he comes. (TAPS ON WALL) Hey! You leave towel on floor in bathroom. I pick up after kids, not you! And light a match next time! Agh! (SCREAMS) (MOANS) (GRUNTS) I have good news. Your background checks have cleared and we are free to give you the box. Oh! Excellent. Just as soon as you provide us with the passwords. Passwords? It was your husband's wish that the person who collects the box must provide us with the passwords. Great(!) Is it... the ghost? Ghost! No. (DOOR SLAMS) Ach! These brats...! (GRUNTS) I had it! Remain calm. I am calm. I quit! That makes me calm! Let's not be hasty about this. (PHONE RINGS) "Hello? Hello?" Don't even think about it. "Hello? Lieutenant Wolfe?" Arrrgh! "It's Julie Plummer." Who? "Julie Plummer." What's that? "Julie Plummer!" Aaagh! Oh, Mrs Plummer! "What was that noise?" Nothing! Everything's OK! I found the culprit that's been sneaking around your house. "Great! Who was it?" Just some teenager. "Teenager? I wanted to tell you I'll be a few more days." A few more days?! "Yes. Is that a problem?" That's no problem. (SCREAMS / SNARLS) I'm fine. I'm just doing my - Argh! "Your what?" Duty. "You're sure things are OK?" Great! You just do whatever you have to. "OK. Well" - Bye, Mrs Plummer! (SNARLS) Just calm down. Just... Just try to relax. Arrrrrrh! Arrgh! Get... Argh, she bit me! (SNARLS) Red Leader! I command you to come back here! That's a direct order. You can't leave a man behind. Red Leader! Red Leader!... I don't even know how to change a diaper! Don't worry! If she loves you, she'll come back, huh? OK, everybody. Listen up. There's been a change of plans. Your mother's not coming home as soon as she expected. When, then? Soon. So for now we'll just have more big fun. That's what we've been doing? Having fun? But tomorrow's a school day! I have wrestling practice. I've got Driver's Ed. I've got Firefly. There's this new top on sale and - Whoa! OK! OK, halt! Halt. We'll take this hill one inch at a time. Only then can we rise to the challenge. (BABY FARTS) (BABY GURGLES) OK, who's gonna change Red Baby? Guys...? Agh! God, Red Baby! (TOILET FLUSHES) Yes... Ohh... Soak that up a bit... Hi. Zoe says you look like the Hulk. I think you're cute. (CAUTIOUSLY) Thank you. Do you do kung fu? Yes. Did you ever punch someone so hard that their head came off? No. Why are your boobs so big? They're not boobs. Do you have to wear a bra? Will my boobs get as big as yours someday? You know, little girl,... I think it's time you went nappy-poo in beddy-bye land. Do I look like I'm five to you?! What did I say...? Disrespectful! And to think I was interested in you! OK, troops - breakfast. What are you waiting for? Dig in. Feel free to mix and match. Stay away from the cheese - it'll back you up for a month. I got lots more of these. I've survived months off this stuff. OK. Like, I'm gonna eat all these carbs?! I can cross my eyes. Wanna see? No. (GARY QUACKS) (TYLER WHIMPERS) Tyler hates it when I do that. (WAILS) I know how he feels. What... What's he do-... Red-4! (TYLER SCREAMS) (PHONE RINGS) Plummer residence. Yes, I know it's Monday today... No, Mrs Plummer is away. Yes, we'll be right there. Who was that? Your vice principal. He said that if you and Seth are late again you're both suspended. He wants to see you both in his office right away. '(STIRRING MILITARY ACTION-ADVENTURE FILM MUSIC)' What is it? It's a minivan. (GRUNTS DISGUSTEDLY) Now, is this supposed to... How do we... Excuse me, Mr Wolfe. If you don't hurry up, we'll be late for sure. Not on my watch. Hold that. How fast is your watch? You'll be suspended for sure. (TYRES SQUEAL) Whoa! Whoa! Oh, my God! Don't drive like this! You're crazy! (BELL RINGS) (KIDS YELL) What are you doing? Whoa! (BELL RINGS) Got 'em here. My fault. I always said these kids needed a parole officer. I guess Mrs Plummer thought so, too, huh? Wow, you got a real upper torso goin' on, huh? You ever do any time? (Sasquatch.) (GIGGLES) You got something to say, boy? No. No? Wow - looks like you have a pair of legs coming out of your shoulders. You hit the gym a lot, do you? (GRUNTS) (Woolly mammoth.) Alright. You know what, creeper? You just bought yourself an extra 15 minutes on the mats with the Murnanator. Excuse me. Lieutenant Shane Wolfe. I'm watching the kids for the Plummers for a few days. Oh, baby-sitter, huh? Whatever job you can get, right? I'm Murney, Dwaine Murney. My friends call me Little Puppet. I'm the VP here. I'm the judge of discipline, conduct and truancy, from top to bottom, K through 12th. You're in my house now, strong man. You're the vice principal? And the wrestling coach. See the creeper over there? He has played hookie from every practice this month, and her? She has missed 22 Driver's Ed classes - out of 23! These are the worst students in my school. In your school?! Good morning, kids. Thank you for watching my chair for me. I'll take it from here. Roger that. Absolutely. I was just informing our new friend here about some of the duties, as vice principal - Oh, yes. How is the investigation into the baloney slices on the cafeteria ceiling? Interesting. Keep up the good work. Right. I'll be on the roof. Bye, now. Alright, kids. I think it's time to get back to class. I'll cut you some slack since it's Lieutenant Wolfe's first day. Thank you. Can I get you some coffee, or... Yes, please. So, what's with this Murnanator? He's big, he's hairy, he's sometimes smelly - but he's harmless. And he has tenure. So, you're the bodyguard? Mrs Plummer thought the kids needed - She's briefed me on everything, told me the kids aren't fully aware of the situation, and that's the way she wants it. She also told me you're a Teams guy. Yes, I am. Well, Petty Officer Third Class Claire Fletcher at your service. You're kidding. Four years at Naval Base Coronado. They paid for college. Honour, courage... Commitment. It's the way I run this school. I like that. So, permission to stick around and keep eyes on the kids? Permission granted. (CHANTING) We don't need no music, we don't need no band! All we need is Mustangs and jammin' in the stands, jammin' in the stands! J-A-M-M-I-N', jammin' in the stands! What? J-A-M-M-I-N', jammin' in the stands! Go, Mustangs! "(BEEPING)" "Black belt, honourable discharge..." Clean as a whistle. (ALL SHOUT / JEER) Hey! Enough. Alright. You heard the lady. Let's break it up, guys. Come on. Relax, Popeye. Boys will be boys, huh? Anyway, it's kinda good for the creeper. Gives him a chance to punk up, learn to defend himself. Six against one?! Well, the odds are never pretty. But look at it as a preparation for him. The naked streets of Bethesda can be so dark and dangerous, right, creeper? Whoa! Whoa... You're pretty quick there, frogman. I myself am a black belt. That's why they wanted me to be the coach of the wrestling team. (YELLS) (INHALES NOISILY) Sensei... (NECK CRUNCHES) You know what that's called, home boy? Total control. You alright? Maybe some time you can pop by the wrestling class and we'll show the boys how a couple of pros do it. I'll go easy on you. I'm on duty. You're on duty?! Oh, that's right. You're a baby-sitter. So, it's kinda like... doo-doo duty. (LAUGHS WHEEZILY) Don't worry about it. We'll do it on a day when you're not washing your hair. And I'll see you... in class. At ease. That guy don't have his head on right. I was fine! I don't need your help! (TYLER WAILS) OK, OK... Aww... Hey. Rough day? I tried feeding him. Yeah? Did you try changing him? Would you help me? No. Just the thought of - "(BEEPING)" Emergency. Where are you... I... Hey! Hi. (HORNS BLARE) Where are you going? (ALL YELL) What is wrong with you?! "(BEEPING INTENSIFIES)" (ALL) Ugh! "Ha ha." I should go. Just call me if you need anything. The number's on the... fridge. Are you OK? Ohh...! Wow. (COUGHS) Is there anything I can do? No. I'm OK. OK. Can I get you anything? I'm fine. I mean, they're just kids, you know? Call me if you need anything, OK - after your shower. Or before. It doesn't matter. See you, guys. (GASPS) Very funny. Thank you for the letter. (GURGLES) (GIGGLING) Guys, be quiet! I told you he had boobs. (ALL GIGGLE) Lulu, can I see you in the family room? Who are those people? The troop. It's Monday. Monday, Wednesday and Saturday are troop nights. Get rid of 'em. Everyone's parents go out on troop nights. Mom's our den mother! You better tell your little friends - (GIGGLING) They were supposed to sell cookies. I don't do cookies. We have to! If we don't sell enough, we can't go to the jamboree! (They're waving at me!) Alright, ladies! Here's how it's gonna be. Tonight... I'm your den mother. That means if you wanna live to see tomorrow, you do exactly as I say! Do we understand each other?! Den mother, you frighten me. Good. Now, let's move out! (ALL CHATTER) 'Yeah. He's kind of a dork, but... he's OK.' '"How's Helga?"' 'Fine. When are you getting home?' '"I'm sorry it's taking so long."' 'I'd love to stay and chat, but I have homework to do.' Oh, no! They're back! '(THEME FROM "THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY")' Hey, Skeever! What glows in the dark when you squish 'em? Fireflies! (ALL LAUGH) Leave us alone! This is Troop 16 territory. How are we supposed to sell raffle tickets if this place reeks of your skanky cookies?! Hey! Hey! Boo! (GIRLS SCREAM) (BOYS LAUGH) Get out of here! These cookies taste disgusting. Where are my troops? "(BEEPING)" Lulu, what happened? Those boys over there broke our cookies. Broke your cookies? Mm-hm. Lulu, this is not a toy. Forget those boys. I'm here to protect you, not cookies. Understand? Good. Now get in the car. We're all going home. You can't take us home yet. You have to take us for something to eat. Where do you usually go? Welcome to Woody Woodchuck's! (PANDEMONIUM) And they say war is hell. (ALL GIRLS) # Whenever we go out, the people always shout # There goes Shane Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt # La-la-la la-la-la-la # Shane Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt (ALL YELL) I figured you'd come back for him. Lulu, watch your brother. Inexcusable! I've never left a man behind. Relax. We found a kid in the ball pool when we opened one morning. No! No! Not cool! There is no freestylin' in the ball pool. (ALL GIGGLE) Should we send someone in after him? (ALL SCREAM) We're good. 1 (POUNDING ROCK MUSIC) Holy baloney... Ooh, someone's gonna get busted! Who are all these people? What's wrong? We need to talk. Don't hate the player, girl. Hate the game! (HISSING) Beat it. (MUSIC POUNDS) (MUSIC STOPS) Party's over! Oh, my God. It's here. You're all gonna clean this house spotless! No highway option. Now, get cleaning. I'm outta here. (ALL SHOUT / SCREAM) Oh, no, you don't. (SPLAT!) This is my favourite shirt. Thank you. Come on, Seth! You've been in there for an hour! Thanks, Lieutenant Loser! Now I'm gonna be the school joke. What am I gonna say to my friends? You call those people friends?! They've no respect for you. They have no respect for your home. You have no respect for yourself! I do too respect myself! Company downstairs. That means you. You're not my dad. In case you haven't noticed, this family is going through a really hard time, and you're making it worse. You have no feelings! We hate you, and you hate us. So why don't you just leave us alone?! Don't worry. When your mom comes back, I'm gone. '(GLASS BREAKS)' Now what? (Scott...) Run! Take the babies! Go to your rooms. Shane-Shane-Shane! Come here! Take one of these! Lulu! Get inside! (SQUEALS / PROTESTS) Aaargh! Don't move. (QUACKS) Eeearrgh! Kids! It's safe! Who was that?! What did they want? What happened? Don't leave us! What did they want? The program your father invented. They were after this. Alright. Alright. Come on, guys. Let's hope this is it. "92631043." "926...?" "31043." They want our Ghost movie? Haven't they heard of Blockbuster? "Tell her Rita Miller." "Rita Miller." So there really are people out there to get us? Yes, there are. That's why I'm here. We're gonna need a little more cooperation. From now on, you listen to me - and I'll listen to you, too. Deal? Relax. Relax. I'm relaxed. If you just relax - (TYRES SQUEAL) You've got to relax! Please, it's on the... I'm not feeling well here. Oh, my God, there's a bee! There's no bee! (SCREAMS) (CRASH!) OK, so she wrecked the car. Insurance will pay for it. They were parallel parking. The instructor jumped out. It's not about her. It's the boy. Has he been skipping class again? He always skips sixth period, but this is - Alright. Seth! OK. Take off the hat. Go ahead. Look. That's how he showed up for practice. That's not all. I was doing a little recon in his locker and I found this. OK? Alright, now, if it was a girlie magazine or a hamster, fine. Boys will be boys. But this... is sick. He dyed his hair. He's not a Nazi. This is not normal. We're concerned. (BELL RINGS) Kids, why don't you go back to class? Mr Murney, give me a minute. I'm sure this is about their father. We've tried to get Seth and Zoe to talk to the psychologist but they won't. Maybe you can get through? See what's going on? I'll see what I can do. Thanks. Seth? I don't understand unless you explain it to me. Why would you join the wrestling team if you hate it? I did it because my father wanted me to! I know you're trying to help, but don't. I can take care of myself. A refrigerator magnet. Smart kid. Red-1! Zoe, you're in charge. Anyone gets within 40 clicks of the perimeter, signal me. Keep all doors sealed. Do your homework, preheat the oven and don't let Lulu in the cookie jar. Alright. Well, my Nazis are finally here. I want all of you... at attention. OK. Let's start where we left off yesterday. # You are 16, going on 17 # Baby, it's time to think # Better beware # Be canny and careful # Baby, you're on the brink # You are 16, going on 17 # Fellows will fall... # (SIGHS) We open in a week, people. The set isn't finished, Mother Abbess just quit because she got shingles. And every step-ball change would make Bob Fosse rise from the grave just so he can have a heart attack again. I'm really sorry. I'll get it right. No, you won't, Seth. You and your... mother over here can't get it right. And I know this because I am a professional. I directed Showboat with Greg Brady. It wasn't union but it was good. Obviously I quit. Exeunt stage right. Seriously, Seth, if you drop me again, I'm going to kill you. Hi. Are you OK? I'm fine. Come on. I'm not gonna quit. I don't expect you to understand - Hey. I may not understand a whole hell of a lot about this kind of stuff but I definitely understand not quitting. And, from what I see, you're pretty good. Little discipline, you could make a go of this. What about Murney? What about Murney? So, The Sound Of Music? I saw it when I was a kid. Really? The idea of a nun ditching her habit for a guy in the military. Nothing wrong with that. Do you think girls will think I'm weird? I think they probably already do, Seth. But you'll kill 'em later. Come here. Forget about everyone else for a second. Is performing what makes you happy? Yeah, more than anything. Right, fall in. Company! Centre stage. Huh? Company, centre stage! Who is this guy? Now, do you or do you not have what it takes to perform this musical? We don't have a director. I've directed rescue missions all around the world. I've directed numerous snatch and grabs from countries whose names you are not allowed to know. I've choreographed multi-pronged amphibious landings and stealth air attacks. Do you think I have the military proficiency... ..to direct this production? Yes. Yes, what? (ALL) Yes, sir! Once upon a time, there was a family... of elves. And one day, the little elf family... went into the magic forest, to find a secret... gnome... facility, where the gnomes were turning mushrooms into uranium. So, three elves laid down heavy, suppressive fire on the gnomes while the others... manoeuvred around to the right flank, finishing off anything left alive. (SIGHS) And not one of those elves were left behind that day. We got 'em all. Even the teeniest,... ..littlest elf of all,... ..Rodriquez. (CRYING) You're gonna have to do the panda dance or he won't stop. (SCREAMING) Oh, come on. (I don't know how to do the panda dance.) I'll write it down for you. Close your eyes, go to sleep. I'll be right back. You've got to do the dance. Like Dad used to do. He made it up for him. You have to do the dance to make him sleep. Come on. # When you're down and low # Lower than the floor # And you think that you ain't got a... # Chance, bom, bom, bom # Don't make a move # Till you're in the groove # Lulu. Thank you. Seth. Zoe. Oh. Today, you drive. But I can't even pass Driver's Ed. Exactly. We're all gonna die. Have you ever given a driving lesson before? In a minivan? No. But think of it like a Bradley assault vehicle. Especially when Zoe's driving. (SCREAMS) Zoe Plummer! Zoe, what are you doing? Slow down! (HORN BEEPS) (SCREAMS) Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Not bad. Land! Solid land. I think it went well. Oh, it's so dramatic. Hey, hey, hey, no fighting. Play nicely. Hi. Hey, how are you? I wanted to tell you I've noticed an improvement in the Plummer kids and I'm very impressed. Yeah, you know, they're just... misunderstood. Careful. Don't make me come up there. Someone just needs to take the time. Sounds like you're getting attached. I take my job very seriously. Uh-huh. But, it's like you said, they're just kids. Well, keep up the good work. Oh. You look very nice today. Oh. Thanks. I don't think maybe you understand. Is that clear? OK. I caught the kid dancing under the bleachers to no music. I want him outta my class. Somebody's gotta give this punk a talking to. Seth? You gotta something to say, Twinkle toes? Yeah. Yeah, I do, Murney. I quit. You quit? You know why you quit? Because you're a quitter. And everybody knows that quitters... quit. What are you scared of, huh, Prancer? I'm not scared. I want to act. And I wanna take up origami. I'm in The Sound Of Music. Oh, a musical. So you're giving up wrestling to be in a musical? That's what happens when there isn't a man in the house. There is a man in the house! Me. (LAUGHS) What? It's gotta be a tiny house. You think you're tough, boy, don't you? Huh? Wanna shave the tiger? Wanna get tough? Where do you wanna do this? What, baby-sitter? You said you wanted to wrestle. Where? When? After school. OK. Today? That's right. The gym. Yeah. Remember, you mess with the bull, you get the horns. (SNORTS) Outta my way! How'd that feel? Feels good. Look. Murney's getting his butt kicked at three o'clock. (CHEERING) Oh, that is so gross. Come on! What? (LOUD CHEERING) That's it! Someone's gonna get hurt today and do you know who it is? Alright. You're about to enter Murney's house of pain. What do you say we go over the rules, cue ball? Huh? Rule number one, never be too eager to rush your opponent. Want to play prison rules, frog man? Wanna play prison rules, you got it. I'll be your daddy. (CRACKING) Aaargh! Alright, now you've unlocked the beast. Ow! God. From this position, it's relatively easy to manipulate your opponent. (CHEERING) And thus, we have the chicken wing. The arm bond. The crow bar. Or, my personal favourite,... Aaaargh! ..the pacifier! (CHEERING) Any questions? Anything you didn't understand? Ah, the nipple crippler. This is a useless, not to mention shameless move, that, ultimately, is a sure sign of desperation. (ALL CHEER) And finally,... Pin! That was awesome. Are you OK, man? Get away from me! Can I get a little help, please? Watch the back. # It's a new day but it all feels old # It's a good life, that's what I'm told # But every day... Go. # And my high school, it felt more to me... (SCREAMS) Sorry. # My time spent there... I didn't get that cone. # That I don't ever wanna be like you # I don't wanna do the things you do # I'm never gonna hear the words you say # And I don't ever wanna, I don't ever wanna.... Crawl! # Don't wanna be just like you # What I'm saying is, this is the anthem # Throw all your hands up, you # Don't wanna be you... See? But he usually breaks down the door. # I'm gonna get by and just do my time # Out of step while they all get in line # I'm just a minor threat so pay no mind... Excellent. Now do it backwards. # What I'm saying is, this is the anthem # Throw all your hands up # Y'all gotta feel me, sing if you're with me # Another loser anthem # OK. # When you're down and low # Lower than the floor # And you feel like you ain't got a chance # Bom, bom, bom # Don't make a move till you're in the groove # And do the Peter Panda dance # Just hop three times # Like a kangaroo # Side step twice just like the crabs do # Three steps forward, one step back # Quick like a turtle # Lie on your back # Roll like a log till you can't roll no more # Better jump quick like there ain't no floor # Hold your breath # Jump to the left # And that's the Peter # I swear that's the Peter # That's the Peter Panda dance # (GIGGLES) Again. Again? You're going to sleep. Good night, Peter Panda. Good night, Daddy. Good night, little fella. Good night. # "The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Theme" Hey, Skeever, what do you put in a jar and shake till they're dead? Fireflies? Go away and we won't hurt you. (ALL LAUGH) (ALL SHOUT) (SHOUTS) Don't even think about it. # I've got the power # I've got the power # It's gettin', it's gettin', it's getting' kinda hectic # It's gettin', it's gettin' # I've got the power... Cookie. Eat it, you jerk. Go, get 'em! # I've got the power # Customer service. (ALL GROAN) From now on, you do things our way. No highway option! Raargh! (ALL WHIMPER) (ALL) # I don't care what has been said # Fireflies rock, full speed ahead # Give me guff, I'm in your face # Fireflies rule the human race # Sound off # One, two # Three, four, one, two # Three, four! # (ALL CHEER) Gary the duck? No. We've been here two weeks. This is a matter of national security. Well, I am sorry, sir, but none of these answers ring true. Oh. Howard. I'm so stupid. Is it... my angel? Yes, it is, indeed. (BOTH LAUGH) Well, I'll leave you to your business. Please, Howard, no more surprises. Zoe, a rookie sniper could drop you like a deer. Good. Good? Alright, this is about Scott again. No, it's... it's not. You were right about him. He's a stupid guy. So what's wrong? Nothing. Nothing? OK. You know, when I was little, my mom left. My dad was a... spec-op soldier, like me. When I was eight, he... shipped me off to military school. I guess he liked being a soldier more than he liked being a dad. One day, I get a letter. No more Dad. That's terrible. The thing is, for a long time, I thought that if I talked about it, I was letting him down. I thought I was supposed to be brave or something. Yeah. It's OK to talk about your dad, Zoe. I do miss him. So much. I don't know, I just... I wanna be strong for Lulu and Tyler and Peter and Seth and my mom. That's such a big burden to carry. I know. I miss him so much. It's OK to miss your dad. (PHONE RINGS) I'll get it. Really? Yes. Really? Yes! Oh! Seth! Seth! Guess what? Mom's coming home. When? Tomorrow, she's coming home tomorrow. When did you talk to her? Mommy's coming home. Hey, buddy, Mommy's coming home. Mom's coming home. She is? Uh-huh. Mom's coming home? Mommy's coming home. Did you talk to her? When? When's her flight? What are we gonna do? Dress up nice. Yeah. We should make her something. We'll clean the entire house. (ALL TALK AT ONCE) What's wrong, Gary? Foot got stuck? OK, OK. Alright, just stay still. Hi, come on in. Are you ready? Almost. (PHONE RINGS) Yes? "Hey, it's Shane." I have excellent news. I think I've found Ghost. Do you have it? No, it's in a steel vault, it needs some sort of two-pronged key. Good work, Shane. We're on our way to the airport. Don't do anything, I'll be there soon. Yes, sir. Ready? The good news is, once I give this to my CO, whoever's been bothering you, ain't gonna be bothering you no more. Really? Really. What's wrong, Lulu? Your mother's coming home, you should be happy. But, Shane, doesn't that mean you have to go? You guys should go and get ready, your mother will be home soon. 1 I had a fight with Zoe before I left so they probably trashed the place. # The hills are alive # With the sound of music # With songs they have sung # For a thousand years # The hills fill my heart # With the sound of music # My heart wants to sing # Every song # It hears # Every song that it hears # My heart wants to beat # Like the wings of the birds` # (TURNS MUSIC OFF) Welcome home, Mom. Hi. I am so proud of you, I truly am. I am going to give you your choice of assignment. Anywhere you wanna go you just name it. Well, I appreciate that. But I have to think about it. You're gonna have to think about it? The military's all I've ever known. I have no regrets. I should hope not. It's just that, being with this family, I've never had a family - Put your hands up! The Chungs? You've gotta be kidding. I swear to God I checked them out. Give us the key. Put your hands up! OK. Alright. Here. Now! You promised us Ghost months ago. I'm sorry. There were delays. Sha- Stop talking. Shane's not gonna be baby-sitting any more. I trusted you. Howard trusted you. You've betrayed us and... you've betrayed this country. Guess what? North Korea pays better. Chung! Watch them, they're squirmy. You two, come with me. Did you bring the stethoscope, Mrs Chung? No, but I've got some C4. I just had my eyebrows done. Oh. (CRIES) Quiet! I said quiet, you little bug. Now, Peter. Hi-ya! That's cute. That stuff doesn't hurt. Shane, you can't do this, you can't leave a man behind. Hold on. Shane. Shane. Where's Mom? Mom? I'll find her, you guys run and get help. Hurry. Are you sure you're gonna be OK? Yes, Lulu, go, get help. Hold on. (SPEAKS KOREAN) They're heading for the car! Zoe, call 911. Oh, my God, I forgot my cellphone. Great, the only time you don't actually have your cellphone. Oh, my God, what do we do? Find a cop. (ALL SCREAM) He's gaining on us. I'll handle it. (BOTH SCREAM) Aaaargh! (ALL SCREAM) Aaaaaargh! Look, Zoe, it's the cops. (SIREN WAILS) I assume you heard the Baloney Bandit has struck again. I accept total responsibility. My intelligence, well, it was faulty. If I had better resources... (SIRENS WAIL) I told you not to pass her in driver's ed. You have exactly three seconds to get me through this minefield. One, two - Bill. She doesn't know. And you're not taking another parent away from those kids. Leave the family alone and I'll get you in. You'd better not be bluffing. Zoe, Seth, Lulu, Peter, Tyler. Aaargh! That was the code. I saw Mr Plummer use it to open the briefcase. You think this is a game? Code or no code, open it. Now. You can't make him do this. I know Howard. You haven't got a chance. (MUTTERS) # When you're feeling low # Lower than the floor # And you feel like you don't have a chance # Don't make a move # Till you're in the groove # Do the Peter Panda dance... (CLAPS) # Hop three times # Like a kangaroo # Side step twice just like a crab # Three steps forward # One step back... Quick, like a turtle, like on your back! # Roll like a log till you can no more # Better jump quick, like there ain't no floor # Hold your breath # Step to the left # And that's the Peter Panda dance # Alright. Go. Yeah, right(!) OK, I'll go first. Great work, Shane. I knew you'd figure it out. You'd better open it. No, no. Wait, wait, wait. Back away. You open it. Come on. I walked the floor first. No way, you can do it, soldier man. Any last words, Shane? Say good night, Peter Panda. Shane, are you OK? She was never a good neighbour. Zoe, you're going too fast. You're not gonna have enough time to stop. Who said anything about stopping? I'm parking. Hey! What are you doing to these kids? Freeze! Hands where I can see them. OK. Calm down. Everybody, put your weapons down. I want the Ghost. (QUACKING) Um, calm down. It's just a duck. Where's the Ghost? I have it here. Bring it here. Put it on the ground. (MUMBLES) OK, Duck Whisperer, step away. Gary, now! Aaargh! Couldn't let you have all the fun. So, I guess you'll be taking off now, huh? Seeing as there's no reason to stick around any more. I'm still here, aren't I? Yeah. What now? I don't know, I'm on dry land. True. Which means you're the superior officer. True. So you tell me. (COUGHING) Lulu. Excuse me, ma'am, could I have a few words with you, please? Sure. Well, we... You know... Oh. We'll talk later. Mission accomplished, soldier. I suppose it is. I guess you'll be leaving us now. I guess so. I want you to have this. Cos I don't want you ever to forget me. I will never forget you cos you're the best friend I ever had. No matter how far or long life takes me away, I will always be thinking about you. I love you, Shane. I love you too. From now on, it's your command. At ease, soldiers. Your father would be so proud of all of you. Aaah, look who just woke up. Shane? Yes? Are we ever gonna see you again? What are you talking about? We still have one more mission. # You are 16, going on 17 # Baby, it's time to think # Better beware, be canny and careful # Baby, you're on the brink # You are 16, going on 17 # Fellows will fall in line # Eager young lads... Yes. # Offer you food and wine # (ALL) # Climb every mountain # Ford every stream... Looks like you have a hit on your hands. You think so? Maybe you should take over the drama department instead of the wrestling team. It's gonna be nice having you around now. Now that Murney's found his true calling. # Climb every mountain # Ford every stream... It's gonna be my pleasure serving with you. # Till you # find your # dream # (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (MOUTHS)