1 D-ohh! (screams) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Welcome to second-grade gymnastics. We'll get started as soon as the previous class finishes up on the equipment. Don't worry. You can win them back if you stick the landing. (groaning) Big smile! Come on, ladies. Faster! Higher! Better! (sharp inhale) (yells softly) Ooh! (groaning) (giggles nervously) My bad. Lisa, gym isn't just about encouraging fitness- it's also about exposing weakness. Check minus. Are you mad, Brunella? You can't fail Lisa. She's the only child keeping this school accredited. Without her, we'd have to release these children back into the forest. So, let's just turn that minus into a plus. (sword-like clank) (grunts) Skinner, I took an oath. And by Xena, this girl's failing gym. Perhaps we could get her a private coach. Well, I know a coach, but he's tough. He defected into East Germany. OK... for next exercise, put hands on hips jump out window, and go tell parents to stop wasting my time with failure child! (bawling) Faster! Lift your knees! (screams) Look, Lisa, there's an opening! Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at? Well, hookers and Spider-Man. Forget it. I'm going home. (grunts and groans) (moaning) Get up, Liser. President Kennedy! That's right, Liser. Academics are important, but you must also train your body with vigour. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, uh, yes. Well, I can't argue with the man who wrote Profiles in Courage. Yes, er, uh, wrote it, uh... Well, uh, good luck, Liser. Thanks. I'll see you in heaven! Uh, yes, er, uh, heaven. (evil laugh) (gasps) My little munchkin bumped her pumpkin. Are you OK, Lisa? I'm more than OK. Ich bin ein gymnast! Aw, she must have dreamt about Hitler again. Here you go-- a laffy meal for you and a nostalgia meal for me. Oh boy, this takes me back. Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of Oleo. What's your Nostalgia Prize, Grandpa? Liberace action figure. Party tonight at Roddy McDowall's. Ooh! I got a plastic Krusty-saurus. (buzzing) Hmm... A mosquito? How'd that get in there? KRUSTY (over P.A.): Laziness is counterrevolutionary! (evil chuckle) Questions are decadent! (evil chuckle) Fast hands mean less whipping! (evil chuckle) (mosquito buzzing) (buzzing) Ow! Skeeter bites are good luck. Scratch it and you get a wish. (moans) I don't feel so good. Can you take me to the hospital? Finally, we're doing something I want to do. Just relax. Think of floor as full of snakes. You fall, they kill you! Relax, relax... (exhaling) ...and snakes! (grunts softly) (applause) Bravo, little girl! Great progress! You deserve reward. Here is your cat back, good as new. Oh, thank you! Do you think I'll pass gym this term? Is no problem. God give you greatest gift-- big head like beach ball made of bone. Gives you perfect balance. Yeah! Excellent! All right! See you tomorrow. Rest your giant head. I am Lugash. (gasps): You're reading Gravity's Rainbow? Rereading. Sorry, what are you guys talking about? I was making fractals. LISA: These girls are brilliant. I've finally found kids I can relate to. You guys are so cool. I can't believe I never met you before. Well, I'm Tina, and this is Carrie. Maybe we can hang out together. Oh, I'd love to. You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone. I had a dog. Is cat now! Need a ride back to campus? Campus? You guys are college students! Yeah, but with our small gymnast bodies everyone always thinks we're way younger. Aren't you in college? Um... of course. Where do you think I go-- baby school? (weak chuckle) See you tomorrow, Lisa. We find out what five minus three is! Um... I'm a teacher's aide... (whispers) in a very special class. No, Lisa. We're both in the s... Go, go, go! Why do people run from me? (WHISTLE BLOWS) Now, what's Henderson doing wrong? Everyone? Anyone? Argh! UP&GO is the most important drink of the day. It's got the protein, energy and fibre of 4 Weet-Bix and milk. Nice one, Henderson! 1 Wow! I'm actually passing as a college student! And they don't have a Blue's Clue. (giggles) Whoops! Got to age it up. (clears throat) Life sucks. Totally. Phew. So, what dorm do you live in? Actually, I'm off campus. I, um, share a house with a couple of girls, a couple of guys. Guys, huh? Are they cute? Well, Bart's kind of... No! HOMER: # I get knocked down # # I get knocked down again # # You're never gonna knock me down! # Whoa! Party house. (glass shattering) HOMER: Hey, where's my keg? Mm. Mom's not going to like that. Who's Mom? Uh, that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us. Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky's reading at Cafe Kafka. (gasps) Robert Pinsky?! The former Poet Laureate? It's going to be great. The three of us could split a scone. Non-dairy? BOTH: Duh. # I take a whisky drink # # I take a chocolate drink # # And when I have to pee # # I use the kitchen sink # # I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy # I'll see you tomorrow! See ya! # Ugn! Ugn! Ugn! # Whoa! (Dr Hibbert chuckling) Hmm... Now, you're sure you haven't been to China? There's no shame in it. No. I told you. A mosquito came out of my Laffy Meal and bit me. What's wrong with him, Doctor? It can't be mange. I just had him dipped. Your son is exhibiting classic symptoms of Panda Virus. Here, take a look. (gasps): Oh! I knew it was serious when he said he didn't want ice cream. I did want ice cream. Well, your father ate it all. Now, don't worry. These pills will take care of everything. But for a week Bart will be highly infectious to others. (chuckles) Contagious? Outrageous! (chuckles) I got me some teachers to lick. (chuckles) Well, I don't know about that, but don't worry. While you're infectious, you will lead a normal life full of normal social interaction. I don't like how many times you said "normal." You'll be living in this bubble. It's clear plastic so the world can see how normal you are. (chuckles) (screaming) Help me! You'll get the hang of it, honey. Today's just a little gusty. Everyone's staring at me. Ha ha! Ay, ay, ay, que curiosidad! (gasps) (breathlessly): Ha... Ha... This place is amazing! Kiosks. Outdoor study groups. Lisa, where have you been? In heaven. I love her. She's a total free spirit. She'd have to be where she lives. That place had a Manson family vibe. Yeah, well, I live in a dorm without a DSL line. Freaky. I think the soup's a little hot. (squeaking) (slurping) Bart, don't slurp your soup. My bubble, my rules. (slurping) That's it, boy. It's time for your bath. (grunts) Now go to bed. (grunts) (gurgling) That is called parenting. I'm going to Moe's. ROADIE: Test, test. Roses are red. April is the cruellest month. Cruellest month. Now open your minds for the Coltrane of the quatrain. The Tony Danza of the A-B stanza. I give you the former Poet Laureate of the United States Mr Robert Pinsky. (applause) Tonight, I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library. I study there! Atherton Library! Say another building! (sotto voce): That's it, Pinsky. You've got them right where you want them. (aloud): "Slow dulcimer, gavotte and bow in autumn... " (gasps) He's reading "Impossible to Tell." "Basho and his friends go out to view the moon. "In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter. "The secret courtesy that courses like ichor "through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke... " LISA: Oh! I'm in a coffee house listening to poetry There's a cat on a table, and no one seems to care. This is the single greatest day of my life! "Impossible to tell in writing. " 'Basho' he named himself. 'Banana tree'... " Basho! Banana tree! Goodnight, Bart. Goodnight, Lisa. Goodnight, Maggie. (growling) Cherish these moments, Homer. PINSKY: So I'm walking by the Oval Office, and I hear the President: "Pinksy, where's my poem?" Well, I thought it wasn't due till Tuesday so I make one up. I am just pulling stuff out of my ass and when I'm done the President says, "Pinsky, you've done it again." Ka-ching! (loud gasp) Oh my God! My social studies project is due tomorrow morning. (door opens, then shuts) Did she put in for the pizza? Got to finish. Got to finish. (groans) Am I using too much glue? You won't eat our meat, but you glue with our feet. (screams) (Lisa snoring) (snoring) Oh! Well, it's still the best thing in this class. (gasps) (chomping) A-minus. (chuckles) Lisa Simpson, master of the double life. (chuckles) (snoring) (gobbling) You're like my Mommy after her box of wine. Give me your lunch money! But it's after lunch. It's just an expression. Like, "kick your butt" could involve no kicking whatsoever. Never fear, the Sphere is here! That's it, Simpson. I'm going to kick you right in the ball. (grunts) (grunting) (laughing) Whoa! When nerds are in trouble, I am not slow. It's spin, spin, spin and away I go! Yay! Yay! Ahh, once he's gone, they'll kill us. (PINK PANTHER THEME PLAYING) That young adult looks like Lisa. Huh?! That young adult is Lisa! She's up to something private. Ahh, let's go spy on her. (grunting) I'll get you down. Bite these pencils. (grunts) (grunting) (grunting) (all groaning) This is the life we chose. Huh? Where is everybody? Anthro 101: Passive Analysis of Visual Iconography. Everyone takes it. All you do is watch Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. After her! I feel like Harriet the Spy. (students murmuring) Now the classic Itchy and Scratchy episode DABF06, "Butter Off Dead." Yeah! Whoo? Hmm... Oh... oh... Good morrow to thee, neighbour. Ha-ha! Ow! (screams) (screams) (screams) (grunting) (chuckles) (grunting) Ow! Ow! Oww! Ah! (trumpet fanfare) Hee! Ha! (mutters prayer) (giggles) PROFESSOR: OK, freeze there. So, what does this cartoon mean? It shows how the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other. Yes, and birds go "tweet." What else? Hey, mister, put the cartoon back on. I'm sorry, boys. We don't allow children in this class. What about Lisa? She's only 8. (students murmur and gasp) (gasps) Lisa, did you lie to us? Well, I just wanted to belong. For once, I felt I was with intellectual equals. I can't believe I cheated off an 8-year-old. (sobs) I guess we won't be biking through Italy. (sobbing) She's worse than that 80-year-old who pretended to be a freshman. (sadly): I just wanted a place to sit down. 1 TENSE MUSIC (SIGHS) BEEPING, INDISTINCT SPEECH LOUD CLANGING CLATTERING CAR ALARM CHIRPS TENSE MUSIC Able 2016 Welcome to second-grade gymnastics. What the... You earned how many credits without our permission? 16. (anguished cry) College is no place for a young girl with those quadrangles and study carrels and syllabi... Doogie Howser went to college when he was my age. Against my wishes! But the atmosphere there was so stimulating. It was a bustling marketplace of ideas. Oh? And this kitchen isn't? Well... I put those "Cathys" on the fridge for you. I don't even like them. They've gotten so smutty. Oh, sure, when a man does it, it's smutty. But if a woman did it-- Homer, Cathy is a woman. Oh, come on. You're right. (shudders) (sighs wistfully) What are you guys doing? We're going to roll down the hill. Can I come with you? I don't know. Are you sure you're not too college for us? Yeah, sorry we can't be more... "college." Hey, Einstein. What's a million plus a million? Two million. So? Don't let them get to you, lass. I'm too good for this place, too. Now run home to your shack. I live in a house. Well, la-dee-dah, college girl! Well, I guess you're too good for me, too! (screams) Oh, look at... (humming happily) (groans) (grunting) What are you doing? I was trying to throw Bart over the roof and he got stuck in this tree. (grunts) D-ohh! Marge, where's my pellet gun? MARGE: In the tree. Right. (grunting) (screaming) Oh, no, not the good cheek! Oh! Aw, poor Bart. I know just how you feel-- isolated, alone, cut off from everyone. Are you kidding? This little baby has made me more popular than ever. Hey, Bubble Bart! Looking good. Call me! The bubble makes everything shimmer and glow. You can't believe what that sunset looks like to me. That's not a sunset; that's a bird on fire. "To-may-to, to-mah-to." Aw... I wish I had someplace to call my own. No one wants me around any more. I know a way you can win back the kids at school. Really? That's wonderful. But how? All you got to do is play a prank on the principal. Well, I can't do it tomorrow. There's an assembly in his honour. (sneaky chuckle) We've got a little planning to do. Step into my office. Eww, Bart! It wasn't me. (clears throat) In recognition of your 20 years as interim principal I hereby dedicate the Seymour Skinner Parking Annex. (applause) (crowd gasps) Did they have to guess the date of my death? Can't you be a team player just once? (clears throat) When I was starting out, they said, "You're good-- but are you plaque good?" Well, today I can say "Yes, I am!" (under breath): Three, two... one... Thank you. I will now take preapproved questions from honour-roll students. Yeah, I got a question: How dare you wear white! I hear what you do at night. Security! Get your hands off of me... Martin Prince, Daily Fourth Gradian. How about a picture of you and the cake for our society page? Now, normally I wouldn't go near a giant chocolate cake in my dress polyester, but with Bart Simpson safely encapsulated I'd be delighted to pose. ("Thus Spake Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss plays) (camera shutters clicking) Look, up there! It's Lisa and she's winning us back! (screaming) (frustrated bellow) (laughter and cheers) Ugh! I've been taken down a peg. A whole peg! CHILDREN (chanting): Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Good going, Lis. And it sure is great to be out of that bubble. (nervously): Sure is sunny. Was the air always this fresh? I'm just going to hang out in this vent. (breathes a sign of relief) Does this thing suck or blow? (whooshing) (screaming): Suuuck! Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016