' D-ohh! (screams) Whoo-hoo! NARRATOR: November, 1948. Americans picked their President. Victory seemed certain for Governor Thomas E Dewey. Dewey! Dewey, Dewey! Dad, I'm telling you, Truman wins. NARRATOR: The headlines proclaim: "Dewey Defeats Truman." Woo-hoo! I win the bet! Who's your daddy? NARRATOR: But the headlines are dead wrong. (gasping) Harry Truman triumphs by two million votes. Not if I can stop that inauguration! I win, Dad. That means I get to choose today's father- daughter activity. Let's hear it. We're building homes for the homeless. (gasps) You know it's going to be bad but you just can't prepare yourself. "Domiciles for the Destitute?" Is this that thing that Jimmy Carter does? Yes, but now that it's hip, all the ex-presidents are doing it. There's Clinton, Bush Sr. and the nice guy who finished last, Jimmy himself. (humming happily) Hey! Why, you... I'm sorry, George. I didn't see you there. No hard feelings. I'll slaughter you, you lame-brain! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. What are you laughing at, Clinton? Ow! Uh... (gibbering) (humming) Dad, what is that? Well, if Bart can be El Barto... Oh, if only I had your courage, senor. (laughing) Oh, thanks. (screams) (panicked gibbering) Dad, you're getting paint on your wedding ring. Huh? Oh, right. Can you hold it? This is a Band-Aid wrapped in tinfoil. My real ring's inside a turtle. (tyres squealing) Are you sure we'll find husbands here? Absolutely! These volunteer events are crawling with the successful single men we deserve. And how! Let's see what we've got. Well, he's not much to look at... but he is a good father. Hello! Wedding ring tan line! He's new on the market. Mmm! Can I help you? Maybe. I'm Lindsay Naegle and I don't want to spend another fiscal year alone. Cookie Kwan, Realtor. Number one on the west side. I could move you into a beautiful new home. Mine! Sign here, sign here, kiss me here, initial there. What the...? KID ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Radio Disney! The songs you love, rewritten for babies. BAJA MEN: # Who left the milk out? (singing along) # Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck! # Dad left the milk out! # # Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck! # That's good satire. It doesn't hurt anyone. What do you think, Maggie? # Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck! # Oh, look, there's your father! (grunting) (gasps) (both gasp in awe) (grunting) (gasps) Well, I've read enough articles about flirting to know it when I see it! (tyres squealing) (grunting) (panting) And that's how my beautiful wife brought our son Bart into the world. Oh! Touching! BUSH SR.: You knucklehead! A little help! I'll give you a little help. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Uh, Homie, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met? Sure. Why not? Sometimes I worry you might think about other women. Hey, why would I want Purina when I got Fancy Feast right here? That doesn't sound very convincing. Aw. It sounds like all you're looking for is a little reassurance. Well... (snoring) (screeching) Bart, remember when I was crying at recess? I think I'm finally ready to tell you why. Let's see what's on TV. HUMPHREY BOGART VOICE: I stick my neck out for no one, Frankenstein. No one. (Frankenstein grunts) Oh, cool! The old Batman show! Struggling in vain... Gather your wits, old chum. We seem to have fallen prey to that painted Pagliacci of perfidy. You mean... Clownface? None... other. (diabolical laughter) Well, if it isn't Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder! (goofy laughter) Sweet Valley High! Krusty played a Batman villain? Well, sure. He was also Uncle Velderschmoink on Bewitched. Clownface, what in the name of Huntley and Brinkley do you plan to do to us? I'm just going to take you for... a spin! Hoo! Hah! Hee! Show our guests to the twirly gates. (goofy laughter) Holy G-force, Batman! The blood's rushing to my head! That's right, my panicky chum. In a few moments you and I will literally blush ourselves to death. Oh, my, this is taking a long time! Oh, cool! We should try that at school! Hey, yeah! You could try it on me. Batman got out of it OK. Faith and begorra, Batman. How did you ever escape? Fortunately, I always carry my carousel reversal spray. Oh, what don't you have in that belt? Patience... for harlequined hoodlums like yourself. Truer words were never spoken, Crusader. Manjula, remember when Apu cheated on you? (tersely) Yes, thank you. I'm worried Homer might do the same thing. What would make a husband lose interest like that? What I do now, I do as your dearest friend. Look at this flab. Look at it! Oh, my God! Is that me?! Most assuredly, yes. Faced with a problem like this, I wonder, what would Oprah do? Yes, I need to fit into this in time for a funeral. Thank you. I need some liposuction. Just enough to make me attractive to this man. One ten-minute suck 'n' tuck. (bell dings) Doctor, before we begin I have a couple questions. Time is money. Ask the mask. What if I just do aerobics and... (snoring) (groaning) That's funny. Hmm! I don't feel sucked out. Doctor, my assistant is as flat as ever! Where are the new knockers the taxpayers paid for? Hmm. You're right. That's, like, Flatsville. Then where did I put those implants? Aah! What on Earth have you done? My McGuppies became bazongas! Great Ceaucescu's ghost! Are those real?! Oh. Oh, right. (WHISTLE BLOWS) Now, what's Henderson doing wrong? Everyone? Anyone? Argh! UP&GO is the most important drink of the day. It's got the protein, energy and fibre of 4 Weet-Bix and milk. Nice one, Henderson! Staying on top can take an extra boost. Sometimes you need an energy drink with something more - something smarter, healthier. Introducing new Berocca Forward. We've added vitamins, minerals and the natural energy of guarana. Now that's forward thinking. Berocca Forward - more than just energy. . Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a "simple misunderstanding." My surgery was botched! "Botched." What is that, the word of the day? You had no right to make my bosom this ample. Look, just come back in 48 hours. I can remove the implants. Oh, I'll come back all right. And I'll bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you! Yes, your husband. I'm sure he's going to be furious. (grunting) I'm a little worried about this spinning, Bart. Milhouse, if you're uncomfortable with this in any way... Do it, Otto! Do it! Do it! Do it! You're the boss, kid. (tyres screeching) (screaming) My change purse! (grunting) Hi, Milhouse. Skinner, I was a little wary of bringing these veterans of Iwo Jima to tour your school but I see my fears were unfounded. Thank you, sir. And what more fitting finale than to gaze reverently at Old Glory? (all gasp) Come on, boys. You know the drill. (groaning) (vomits) My God! This youngster befouled the flag! Wait. This just doesn't add up. Milhouse has never been anything but a comic foil. Hey, what's going on here? Something crazy? There's your queen bee! Explain yourself, Simpson. I saw Krusty do it on TV. Then Krusty will feel my wrath. The spritz has hit the fan. You won't hurt Krusty, will you? He's all we got. Shut your puke-hole, punk. Sir, yes, sir! Oh...! Hmpf. (cat yowls) (hisses) (whimpering) Oh, sweetie. (gasps) Don't worry, Maggie. I'll have these silly things out in just two days. Till then, I'll just try to hide them from the family. ...making it the latest Segway Scooter accident to claim over 1,000 lives. Not feeling well. Going to bed. Dinner and breakfast are on the table. (runs upstairs) Did you label the meals so I can tell which is which? Yes! Locally, two school children offended veterans, educators and flag hags while imitating a stunt they learned watching TV's Krusty the Clown. (gulps) Besieged by angry protesters Krusty responded as follows: Would you people get a life? Not an option. Stop corrupting our children. No. Bart, this is all your fault. Don't worry. Krusty always lands on his feet. Help, I... Ow! (gasps) Well, someone's tucked in to an insane degree. Good night. Hey, give me some of those blankets. What's this? It's enormous! Oh, my God, there's another one! Homer, let me explain something. Explain later. Homey... (giggles) Woo-oo, Homey! (thud) Hey, what happened? I fell off. (both giggle) Now don't get too used to these. That awful doctor said he'd take them out in a couple of days. Yeah, he truly is a monster. Hey, let's go out to dinner tomorrow just you, me, the kids, and the twins. What do you say? Hmm. They do make my neck look thinner. Oh, all right. Let's do it. Mom, Lisa pushed me in the laundry basket. Whatever Bart is saying is a lie. (gasps) Mom, what happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's. Well, that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response. Actually, I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall. I'm a-sorry. We are a-totally full. Oh, boy, oh, boyardee! I bazooma you want a table. Right-a this way. Wow, Mom, your guns got us a great table-- right by the lobster tank. For you, pretty lady, I make-a the fresh pasta instead of the crap from a can I give-a to everybody else. It's as cold as my love for you. And, Marge, if-a your mouth get tired, Angelo here will chew for you. Yes, I like-a to chew. Thank you, fellas. Mom, doesn't it bother you that they're giving you all this attention just because of those? That's not true, Lisa. There are a lot of complicated issues here that can only be explained through song. # You took a 20-karat diamond # And made it gleam # Like a big spaghetti dinner, smothered in whip cream (show tune plays) # You're like X-Men number three in a Mylar bag # You're a brand-new muscle car and all the wheels are mag # You make me feel as young as the blood I get from sheep # You're like Jacqueline Bisset in me favourite film, The Deep # You're sexy and exotic like a hooker from Belize # Or a patient with insurance who's crawling with disease # You're a sundae underneath two great big cherries # Keep in mind they're only temporaries # Still, we'd like to say that we are very, very # Glad to see you # And I decree you # The hottest thing to hit this city # Since the fire that killed 11... (all gasp) # ...dangerous criminals # Hooray! # And they're all mine. # Homer, how come you never sang a song like that to me before? I was getting around to it. Kiki Highsmith, Highsmith Modelling. Honey, I like your look. Forget it, Kiki. You're not putting your brain into her body. That's not why I'm here. I can offer your wife a lot of modelling work. Trade shows to start, then who knows? No dice. Take your fun and adventure outside. Now, wait, Homer. Wait for what? Confirmation of my attitude? Homey, I could use a little more excitement in my life. (gasps) Maybe I'll just keep these. That's great, Mom. But don't forget... (a la "Yankee Doodle Dandy") # I got Krusty in hot water # Now I've got to help him out, da-da-da... # Shut up, boy. Oh, I don't get a song? Mom got a song. With the economy the way it is you're lucky you get soup. Oh... 9 And now, one of OvMittCon's "Faces to Watch 2003" rookie spokesmodel, Marge Simpson. (applause and cheers) MARGE (thinks): This sure beats slaving over a hot stove. BOTH: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Gentlemen, say hello to Springfield's newest supermodel. You're a lucky man, Homer. Yeah. This is the longest I've ever gone without looking at Lenny. Don't make a fuss over me, boys. Just pour me a beer in a clean glass. Whoa, whoa, whoa-- you said "no fuss." Uh, I wouldn't eat them peanuts. They're, uh, they're spit-backs. So, Krusty, are you ready to shoot this apple off my head? Well, if by "shoot," you mean "teach" and by "my head," you mean "safety," then, yes. Oh, man, now they won't let Krusty do anything fun. Teletubbies get away with more than this. I've learned my lesson, Krusty. Never again shall I look directly at an eclipse. This sucks! Bring out Mr Teeny! I can't. They made me release him into the wild. (grunts) (squeals) Hey, we got Krusty into this. We'll get him out. We just have to make him a hero again. Maybe if we cut his foot off, people will feel sorry for him. It didn't help your dad get your mom back. (groaning) Hi, Mrs Simpson. My mom said I'm not to look at you. What's with the belt, Mom? It's for my back spasms. If guys didn't keep pinching my tush I'd never stand up straight. I thought you liked all the attention you were getting. I'm afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people. (lustful chuckles) (sloshing) (groans) Hey, Krusty. How'd you get in here? The doorman died. Oh, no! He was my agent. Listen, I have a plan that will make the world fall in love with Krusty the Clown again. It's too late. I've given up. The Krusty I know didn't get where he is by giving up. No, I got where I am by naming names in the '50s. OK, what's your plan? It's simple. We just have to cause a riot at the Springfield Shoe Expo. I like... I like. (cars honking and passing) (chuckles) Oh, this is my Woodstock. I have been paid millions to endorse these butt-ugly shoes. (mumbling) My forthrightness is my undoing. Kiki, I'm tired of trade-show modelling. My back really hurts. You seem unhappy so I'm going to inject this smile solution into your jaw. (groans) Did you just drug me? What the...? Technically, it's a toxin. Hmm. (elephant trumpets) OK, here's the drill-- a rogue elephant, played by my old friend Stampy is about to crush sweet, young Milhouse. Then you run up and save the day by saying Stampy's safety word: "Mogumbo." (moans softly) Whoa, he's as big as Brando but he takes direction. 89% of Americans would rather have a shoehorn than a computer. Yeah, I'd like to 89 you! I've heard about you vendors. Hey, lady! I like the way your body looks! Stop objectifying my mom. I will in a second. Whoo, hey, baby-- you're an object! (laughs) Help! Help! (gasps) Who will save this promising young honour student? Hey, hey, hey! I'll save the day! Hey, it's that clown who hates children. And flags. I say we judge him by what he does next. Yee-ha! Hey, elephant, I got one word for you-- Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto. Daktari? Nintendo? (groans) (whimpers) (elephant trumpets) (all gasping) (trumpeting) (Bart groans) Oh, if he bites, I'm sunk. If he swallows, I'm good. (trumpeting) Dad, look. I'm on it. Be careful, a... Uh-oh. (Homer groaning) All right, aim for the big hose coming out of his face. You mean the trunk? Easy there, college boy. Wait! Wait! My son, my husband and the Van Houten boy are in there! Sorry, ma'am. We don't negotiate with elephants. Ready? Mom, do something! Aim... I've got to stop them from shooting. I... I don't... Lisa, don't hate me for this. Continue aiming... Still aiming... Hey, cops. Check out this all-points bulletin! (grunts) (audience gasps) (all gasping) Whoa, look at those mogumbos! (elephant trumpets) Hey, that's it. Mogumbo! (groans) (sloshing) I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? 'Cause I already showered once today. Oh... (chuckling) (camera shutter clicks) Well, you saved Krusty's reputation. And you learned that a woman doesn't need a 48-inch chest to be beautiful. That's how I felt all along. # Lisa learned a lesson, Lisa learned a lesson. # Kids, I'd like to reintroduce you to... classic Marge. I finally feel like me again. You're not disappointed, are you? Not at all, sweetie. At least one of us should be able to put their arms around the other one. Oh... Anyway, you're the only man I want ogling me. Oh, we're going to do a little more than just ogling. Oh, Homie. Let's go get fried chicken. (men humming Simpson's theme) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org # Who let her jugs out? # D-ohh! D-ohh-D-ohh-D-ohh! # Marge let her jugs out # D-ohh! D-ohh-D-ohh-D-ohh! # Who let her jugs out? # D-ohh! D-ohh-D-ohh-D-ohh! # Marge let her jugs out # D-ohh! D-ohh-D-ohh-D-ohh! # Huh, huh, huh, huh! # Huh, huh, huh, huh! (percussion interlude) (man panting) # Who let her jugs out? # D-ohh! D-ohh-D-ohh-D-ohh! # Marge let her jugs out # D-ohh! D-ohh-D-ohh-D-ohh! # Who let her jugs out? # D-ohh! D-ohh-D-ohh-D-ohh! # Marge let her jugs out # D-ohh! D-ohh-D-ohh-D-ohh! # Huh, huh, huh, huh! # Shh! Able 2016