4 (bell rings) (tyres screech) D'oh! (screams) (tyres screech) Eep! www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (whistling) Oh! (whistling weakly, moaning) (moaning) Oh, this doesn't look good, sir. This man could sue us. Yes, if he's smart he'll hold out for millions. Whoo-hoo! I got skybox tickets! And with only 20% loss of my brain function. Life is... (slurred muttering) Can't beat a skybox. All the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box. Whoa, this is gonna be the coolest basketball game ever! Actually, it says here we're going to see hockey. No! No! No! (all screaming): No! Would the gentleman care for some cologne? You have anything with ground-up whale in it? But of course. Hey, don't we regular fans get anything? Agh! Oof! Hey, do we tip these guys, or what? Wow, it's so fancy. It's like Moby's house on Cribs. Paint your portrait, sir? Can you paint me knocking out Larry Holmes? Certainly. (snaps fingers) Don't hit my face. OK, where do you want it? I don't know. Work the stomach. Mmm, that takes me back. Check out those non-skybox losers watching hockey without sushi. If you can call that hockey. Hey, Homer's looking down his nose at us. Let's take Mr Figgy Pudding down a peg. Otto, what're you waiting for? Get your ass on my neck. (Otto grunting) I'm getting close. I smell vinaigrette. (roaring) Heads up, Dad. Here comes the scum. (clicking tongue) Why can't they just be happy for my success? (bubbling) (grunting) (yelling) Hot fudge! Arr, it burns! Oh, great! And I just got all that gum out of my armpits! (punching sounds) (grunting) (crowd cheers wildly) All right! A people tooth. Gummy Sue, this is your lucky day. There. Now I's like Britney Spears. (grunting) (buzzer sounds) (crowd cheering) (classical music plays softly) (groans) This is a joke! You'll find me down with the real fans standing ankle-deep in beer and blood. Fine. Watch your stupid Eagles concert. It's a hockey game! Whatever. Hey, Kozlov! Aim for the five-hole! He's got an opening the size of Red Square! (grunts) (buzzer sounds) (crowd cheering) Thank you, mouthy American child. Please to take my hockey tree. Mmm. Come on, Lisa, it's time to go. But the game's not even over. They've already told the skybox fans who's going to win. Huh? Yeah! Go Ice-o-topes! (hammering) This sucks. How come Lisa gets something and I don't? Because she took the trouble to wander away and talk to a stranger. Your sister getting something nice doesn't hurt you in any way. HOMER: Hmm, better add some more nails. Perfect. (munching noisily) (yawning) Well, cock-a-diddily-doo! What a Marge-alicious way to start my Flander-rific day. Wha...? Hey, Ma. Our crap shack's going to hell. Bart, watch your potty mouth! Hey, get out! I'm in here! Oh. I think we might have termites. These are no ordinary termites. What you've got here are Russian "no-wood-niks." What you've got here are Russian "no-wood-niks." Can you save our house? OK, but in order to kill these bugs I've got to live like a bug, think like a bug, become a bug! Mmm, oh... mmm. Oh, why do you always hire the cheapest guy? I go by how funny the sign is. Sweet! A circus! Let's sneak in. That's using your noodle. (boys laughing) (loud thudding) # Doot, doot, doot-doot-doot-doot doot, doot... # So... when can we go back in our house? Not for a while, I'm afraid. I had to use the good poison. It comes with James Coburn's picture on the bottle. This place won't be inhabitable for another six months. But where will we live? Don't worry. We'll just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans. The time will just fly by. ('King of the Hill' theme music playing) Eh, that was boring. Let's get a hotel. Able 2016 5 Don't you have any rooms? We can't live in our house for six months. Sorry, folks. Every hotel room in town is booked. Stupid bran producers' convention. I'm just gonna say it-- we haven't had a good idea since raisin bran. (shocked murmurs) Let him speak! No, he's crazy! Why don't we stay at a youth hostel? I do not want another lecture from a German backpacker about how we don't appreciate the national park system. I know. We'll stay with my very best friend in the world-- Lenny. (doorbell rings) Hey, Simpsons. That's Lenny? Oh, I wanted the black one. Wow, Lenny! Your apartment is stunning! So how do you afford such a sweet pad? (thud and rumbling) What the hell was that? Oh, I share a common wall with a jai alai court. (terrified screams) (chuckling) That's just the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton. I find it soothing. (thudding) (contented sigh) Thanks for letting us stay with you. Oh, please, it is such an honour to host our favourite family. And you came at an exciting time. I'm chairing a meeting of the Galactic UN. My apologies-- the paint is still wet on Ambassador Farfoon. We are not staying at Moe's. Maggie's all ready drunk on the fumes. And she's a mean drunk. Come on, guys, you gotta stay. Tonight's the big cock fight. We can eat the loser. (scoffs) Who wants to eat a loser? Dad, we have to find a place soon. I really have to go to the bathroom and I'm out of tokens. You know, I heard of a new reality show where they let you live in a home for free. Oh, yeah. The gimmick is, it's a house from 1895. And you gotta do everything like they did back then. 1895? Forget it! We'd be too late to save Lincoln and too early to save Kennedy. You could save McKinley. It's not a time machine, Moe. Marge, I'm still not sure about this. MARGE: Hey, if TV can give Mike O'Malley a home it can give us one. Welcome to the Reality Channel. Hi, I'm Mitch Hartwell creator of the 1895 Challenge. And by creator, I mean I saw it on Dutch television and tweaked the title. Well, this family looks pretty interesting. But isn't the dad Bill Cosby? See, I gotta get back on the TV. 'Cause with the Osbournes and the soft-core porns and the dogs poopin' and nobody's scoopin' and the...(speaking gibberish) We need a family that hasn't been on TV forever. Let's try the Simpsons. I like what I'm seeing in there. Don't you... I'll teach you to whistle on the Sabbath! They go to pieces over nothing. They're perfect for reality TV. Where's that kid with my latte? (whimpering): He's not coming. Is he? Is he?! (sobbing) Welcome to your home for the next six months. Oh, man, I can't wear this. I look like Buster Brown. Whoever that is. Oh, you look adorable, Lisa. Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit. God! I wish I had that little outfit. Yeah. Those golden curls are to die for. Wow, they had an army helmet under every bed! Oh, Mr Simpson... (chuckles) That's a chamber pot. You're supposed to go to the bathroom in it. Befoul an army helmet? You'd like that, wouldn't ya, hippie! Behind this door, you'll find the one piece of 21st century technology in the whole house. Ooh, please be a melon-baller. Please be a melon-baller. This is your video confessional. You come in here to express your deepest feelings and darkest secrets. Uh... (nervous chuckle) My hair isn't really blue. (gasps) I need that tape! Good morning, ladies. What's so good about it? It takes six hours to make breakfast now. Hey, you should see how much trouble Dad's having shaving with a straight razor. (whistling) Finally, I'm no longer a slave to the Gillette Corporation. Why, it says here that President Cleveland has... (slurring) OK, more coal. Less coal. Less, less, more. Less-less-less. And... none. (thud) Perfect. By orders of the Reality Channel I must make sure that you only buy items available in 1895. Eh-- Oreos? Sorry, these are from 1896. Non-scarring toilet paper? Oh, dream on. Urkel-O's? Delicious, but forbidden. I'll just take these tampons. I don't believe they had those in 1895. Yes, they did. Look closer. Ooh! Twenty-three skidoo! You know, it's 6:15. The kids are in bed, and Maggie's in her cage. Maybe I could wuther your heights? Well, OK. Blow out that lamp and I'll take off my Victorian undergarments. All right, let's get that... ! (unzipping) Remember, if you just... (ripping) Just... that comes off. (clanging) Not so... No, k-up! (sawing) All right. Let's see what we got here. Almost done. This has been the worst week of my life. I miss my toys, my video games. "Mutt n' Jeff" comics are not funny. They're gay, I get it. (knocking) HOMER: You've been in there over an hour, boy! Other people have to confess too, you know! (whimpering): Oh, I can't hold it in. I hate this house! (moans) Bread tastes like clothes. I'm so cold. All of you stink so much. This is great television. Yeah, I can't wait to see which one of them dies first. Look, we can't give up. We're on TV. And when you're on TV, you dig in your claws and you never let go. Just like Bill Moyers! (player piano music plays) (beeping) Telegram for Heywood U Cuddlemee. Heywood U Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U Cuddleme? Hey... Oh. Ooh, that little... ooh! I'm going to drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop. (laughing) Aw! Bart, honey, would you like some more cod liver oil? Yes, Mum. I thought I was regular before, but I was wrong. With all this hard work I'm too tired to worry about the world. And soon I will marry one father's wealthy business associates. Oh, I wish you would reconsider the proposal of Hiram Beatwife. He's betrothed to Martha Take-a-punch. This is boring. Yeah, switch it to the Elderly Animal Channel. (growls feebly) (groans) The show's getting boring. We're losing viewers. I have an idea. It's crazy, but it just might work. Like it did last week, on another show. We bring in the biggest, most famous star from a '70s sitcom whose phone hasn't been disconnected. Hello! Squiggy? Why is the guy from Laverne and Shirley living in our house? 'Cause nobody's watching you clowns. If you was to ask me, you're all too calm and happy. The essence of drama is conflict. That's why they gave me this taser. (yelling) All right. This still isn't working. Fixing this show is going to take some original thinking. Everybody, pull out your TVs and start flipping around. I think I've got an idea. Turn to channel 24. ALL: Hmm... (snoring) (snoring) Hello, Laverne. (snoring) Hello, Laverne. (helicopter whirring) Hello, Laverne. If you're a parent, get NIB's top private hospital plus Get your child covered for free with NIB Health Insurance. If you're a parent, get NIB's top private hospital plus by December 31 and we'll cover one of your little whippersnappers for free. Hurry - offer ends 31 December. So buy online or call us on 0800 123 NIB. Staying on top can take an extra boost. Sometimes you need an energy drink with something more - something smarter, healthier. Introducing new Berocca Forward. We've added vitamins, minerals and the natural energy of guarana. Now that's forward thinking. Berocca Forward - more than just energy. (screams) (tyres screech) 5 Marge, I'm off to the blacksmith to get my tooth pulled! (yells) Oh, Lisa, explain! I guess the network made our show more exciting by dumping the house in a river. Marge, throw me an old-timey rope in an old-timey way! (grunts) This rope was woven from handlebar moustaches. You monsters! You turned this show into a Survivor clone! Mr Simpson, your contract allows us to do anything we want to you. I would never sign that! Unless there was a red sticker that said "Sign here." Uh-huh, that's what we used. Where do you get those things, anyway? (all screaming) (all panting) Oh, no! Everything is ruined! Our good bellows, our stereoopticon... Squiggy! (gasps) Homer, your strop! Your strop! (sobbing) Our lives are ruined. Oh, yeah, this is great stuff! Let's take lunch, people. Do we get lunch? We're not allowed to interfere with the reality of the show. Which reminds me-- burn the leftovers! Leave nothing! (sobbing) I can't remember the last time I cried like this. When you put your T-shirt on backwards? (bawling): Oh, yes! The tag chafed my throat! Let's go eat some bugs. Is it just me, or are you guys getting sick of crazy adventures? Psst! Psst! Savages! I'll handle this, Marge. We come in peace. We takem your land. We're not savages. I'm a paralegal from Cleveland. And I'm a nutritionist from Santa Fe. We were a tribe on another reality show but we lost the final challenge. I just couldn't eat any more kangaroo testicles. So the show just abandoned us here. The weird part is, now I can't get enough of them. But now we're going to escape. We're going to overpower your crew and return to civilisation. Wow. Marge, I think I figured out their primitive language. That's my Homie! Is it so gosh darn hard to get cocktail sauce in the middle of the Amazon? (battle cries) (yelling) Geez, now I know what it feels like to be tormented. And yet I learned nothing. (yelling) And now to wreck their precious helicopter! No, Homer, no! That's our only way home! Yes, but... OK... Whoa! (grunting) That Lenny sure had a crazy apartment. Oh, it sure is good to be home. No more reality shows for us! Let's watch some quality, scripted television. (theme music plays) Well, here's the thing, Inspector. The button for five doesn't light up. I think I'm going to be sick. Oh, that's it! TV was the one good thing in my life and now I can't enjoy it any more. Hmm. I guess we'll have to find a new way to entertain ourselves. What about books? Yeah, if we read books, we could form a club. If we formed a club, we could serve drinks. Hey, Dad, why don't we watch you drink from a hose? Good idea, Lisa. Hmm, the water's off. I'll use my eye to see what the trouble is. D-ohh! (laughter) Hmm, off again. Maybe I can hear what's going on. (yelling) (laughter) So, this has become a game of wits, has it? Perhaps my other eye will get to the bottom of this. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016