Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Now, the topic for your research paper will be World War I. Was that the war with Hitler or Merlin? Oh, you idiot. Merlin was in Vietnam. Instead of writing a report, can I do a dance? (singing a tune) Sorry. May I type my report? It'll be easier on teacher's eyes. Yes. In fact, why doesn't everyone type their paper? Great idea, Martin. Can the paper be 10 pages minimum? Well, I was going to say five, but OK. Thanks again, Martin. Martin? He's gone now. But you got to admire his spirit. All right, Seymour. I'm ready for our romantic apple-picking trip. Yes, about that. Mother's neck wattle got caught in a zipper. I've, uh, got a long night of boo-boo kissing ahead of me but don't worry, I got you these store-bought apples instead. The apples weren't the point. The apples weren't the point. (chuckling) Then why were we going apple picking? Then why were we going apple picking? (sighing) OK... time to start this paper. (comfortable sighing) World War I. W.W.I. Eh, that's a good start. Time to watch wrestling. ANNOUNCER: I can't believe it. (grunting) Uncle Slam has defeated Osama Bin Rotten. Uh-oh! Here come Secretary of Hate, Colin Kapow! He's dropping sanctions... by which I mean anvils. (grunting) (deep breath) OK, got to focus, got to focus. Got to look at that bird. Got to focus. (clock ticking) Damn it. Why did I pay for 100 Xeroxes when I only wanted one? Well, I guess someone else will use the other 99. Oh... Prank or study? Prank or study? (seductive saxophone playing) Oh... What should I do, Lord? Give me a sign. (chuckling) (copy machine whirring) (chuckling) Now, if everyone would open your prayer books... (screaming) (gasping) (screaming) (laughing) Well, boys, good thing we brought the eye soap. Ow. Ow. The burning is love. 'Russia, Great Britain and France had formed an Entente Cordiale...' (groaning) Ooh, algebra. I'll just do a few equations. No. No more distractions. (whirring) Hey, Bart, want to go for a ride in my uncle's Black Hawk helicopter? But I just started my paper. It's your last chance. He's probably going to get court-martialled for this. Black Hawk up. (delighted shouting) (kissing) BART (over loudspeaker): Attention, teenage boys. Take your hands off my daughter. (frightened shouting) MILHOUSE: Now kiss each other. (whimpering) (laughing) (whistling) Grandpa, quick, tell me everything you know about World War I. World War I? I fought in that. 'Course, to enlist, I had to lie about my age. (young child's voice): Want to see my picture I drew? Lieutenant Simpson, you've been up for hours. Take a nap. You're no good to us cranky. But I'm not tired. (crying) Oh, this is great stuff. I can pad it out to 10 pages. Goodnight, Grandpa. But I'm not tired. Goodnight, sleepyhead. Do you have to poop? Do you have to poop? Always. BART: 'F'? There must be some mistake. It's as long as you asked for. Counting six pages of ads. You're going to have to redo your paper after class. Well, if I may dust off an old chestnut... ay, caramba! Ay, caramba indeed. And so, on November 11th, 1918 the guns fell silent and peace returned. The End. Very good, Bart. Oh, I must have the wrong classroom. I was looking for my girlfriend, not Pam Dawber. (chuckling) Are you ready for a little after-school special? You... eyes front, Simpson. (cell phone ringing) Hello? Mother? (groaning) I'll be right there. Now she wants to get out of the tub. You've got to stop putting your mother ahead of me. We have a date. I'll be back in three hours. Maybe less. But almost certainly more. (crying) He's a wiener, Mrs K. Just say the word and his desk is full of boogers. (crying) That's sweet of you. But if I lost Seymour, who else is there? # I believe in miracles # # Where you from, you sexy thing? # # Sexy thing, you... # OK, there's a lot of low cards in that hand. But since we're both free, why don't you and me hit the town? But since we're both free, why don't you and me hit the town? A pity date from a 10-year-old? (sighing) I'll take it. RAINIER WOLFCASTLE: From the widest gully, to the deepest trench holes define who we are and where we're going. And although Rover here may not know it, he is participating in a ritual as old as time itself. He is giving birth to a hole. Or, consider the dolphin, nature's most filmed creature. Even they have holes. Blow holes. Thanks for going out with me tonight. It really took my mind off stupid jerks. And their mothers. (sighing) And did you know the hole's only natural enemy is the pile? I can't believe you went to the movies with the teacher. What happened to the Bart Simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew? Hey, I only hung out with Krabapple because Skinner blew her off. I've never seen her so sad. You know what made me feel better about myself? That award I got for World's Greatest Dad. (slurping) Dad, you bought that because it was full of gummy worms. And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish. Which I did. Mm... trophy. Hey, Bart, you could nominate Mrs Krabapple for an actual award The Teacher of the Year. Then she'll feel appreciated. They have an award for teaching? Hey, they have Latin Grammys. It is so hard to choose nominees from all these qualified candidates. This is the most difficult one-day-a-year job in the world. Put in the next tape. I use humour to reach my students. (groaning) Dead Poets Society has destroyed a generation of educators. (laughing) And so President Kennedy says to Khrushchev, 'Well, enough jawin. Reach for it, pilgrim.' And the missiles are like, 'Oh, praise Jesus! Can I hear an 'Amen'?' # Hey, Macarena. # Next! I'd like to nominate my teacher, Mrs Krabapple. She may not be glamorous or entertaining she's just a real teacher who comes in every day no matter what. And she never gave up on me, Bart Simpson. (gasping) The Bart Simpson? I thought he was just an urban legend. If she's danced with the devil in the blue shorts and lived we have ourselves a nominee. Mm-hmm. Oh, Lord, it's only Wednesday. I hope one of those little hoods puts a tack on my chair, just so I can feel something. (horn blowing and cheering) What's going on? Edna Krabapple, you've been nominated for Teacher of the Year. (cheering) Oh my God. (crying) NELSON: Ha-ha! You're crying. Nelson Muntz, you've been nominated for Bully of the Year. Thank you so much. (crying) Wedgie! (grunting) Yes. In fact, why doesn't everyone type their paper? . How does it feel to be nominated for Teacher of The Year? (LAUGHS) I can't believe it. This after I accidentally showed the R-rated Romeo and Juliet. I thought that nipple would haunt me forever. Oh, reporter Cletus, Outhouse Times-Picayune. Is there any persons, critters or spells to which you attribute this accolade? There's one person I'd like to thank for this. We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him. Bart Simpson. (crowd exclaiming) Way to go, Bart! I can't express how I feel in words, so I drew this picture. These stink lines stand for dedication caring and for letting me drink coffee in class. Way to go, Edna. (all cheering) Yes, yes! Way to go! Oh, oh. Follow-up query. Mrs K, if you win this here learning derby will you forget your kith and kin and leave us all forever? Leave us forever? I'd better pee on this fire. (microphone feeds back) As principal, I'd just like to say a few words about what this wonderful woman means to this school and to me. Webster's Dictionary defines Mrs Krabappel as... (pager plays Beethoven's Fifth Symphony) Excuse me. I have an emergency page from mother. This press conference is over. (groans) So, because I nominated Mrs K, our whole family gets a free trip to the awards ceremony in Orlando. Orlando?! Are we going to Sea World? No. Disney World? Uh-uh. Universal Studios? 'Fraid not. Leisure World? Sorry, Grandpa. Gator Gulch? You wish. Leisure World? Grandpa, you're not even going. Wait a minute. I knew where we're going. Oh, it's horrible! Oh, it's even boring to fly over it. (sobbing) Oh, God! It's so exciting. I'm meeting my peers. Ooh, the FutureSphere. It's what people in 1965 imagined what life would be like in 1987. MAN: Eastern Airlines presents 'The World of Tomorrow.' Don't walk, fly in your personal Eastern Airlines Air Buggy. And say goodbye to the cola wars. The victor Eastern Airlines Cola. And we're not stopping there. Because at Eastern Airlines world conquest is part of our master plan. Now enjoy the soothing music of The Turtles. ('Happy Together' playing) # Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba... # It's nice and cool in here, don't you think? MAN: Welcome to the electric car of the future sponsored by the Gasoline Producers of America. (car sputtering) (sad, whiny voice): Hello, I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far and if you drive me, people will think you're gay. (chanting) One of us. One of us. Willie, you're no stranger to the inner workings of the female mind. Aye. Willie sent many a Vermont Teddy Bear. Well, I'm a little worried that with all this attention Edna may meet someone better. Damn straight she will, you brunch-eating popinjay! Your woman's in Orlando, man! You can't take two steps there without falling into a tunnel of love. Oh, I've been a fool. I've got to go after her! Take me car. (grunts) (device beeps) Make sure you fill it up with Techron gas. You don't want a case of the knocks. Wow, this restaurant is so international: 'La Pizza, Der Hamburger, Senor Grilled Cheese.' I hope I don't accidentally order an elephant. (LAUGHS) What happened to you two? AUDIENCE: Ew! Let's go make some fireworks of our own. I get to tamp the powder. I wouldn't have it any other way. (chuckles) Oh, I wish I had someone to share this with. Edna Krabappel, please report to the Principal's arms. Oh, you came! I took a personal day. (moaning) Seymour! Bring me some ice! My fanny is baboon-red after that car ride. Ow! Mother, we were sharing on open-mouthed kiss. You brought your mother? (nervous laugh) Well, technically, since she's paying for the room (groans) she brought me. I am tired of sharing you with your mother. This woman carried me for 9� months. I was out for two weeks and then went back in. (groans) Hey, Skinner, do you and Edna want to join Marge and me at 'Great Moments With Mr Eisner'? I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams. Oh, you mean the Enron ride. Let's go. WOMAN: We're all going to be rich! (all screaming) MAN: We broke even. (all screaming) (all groan) Mmm, that's good satire. Staying on top can take an extra boost. Sometimes you need an energy drink with something more - something smarter, healthier. Introducing new Berocca Forward. We've added vitamins, minerals and the natural energy of guarana. Now that's forward thinking. Berocca Forward - more than just energy. Merlin was in Vietnam. Instead of writing a report, can I do a dance? (GASPS) Mom,... is that Principal Skinner sleeping in the bed of tomorrow? (mechanical voice): Rise and shine, sleepyhead. You'll be late for the next rocket to the moon. He's never going to get up. He's got no legs. What are you doing here? Well, since Edna dumped me I've been wandering around this park all night. It's educational and offers mild thrills. Just like Edna. Now, before the show you'll need to take urine tests to prove you're not taking teaching-enhancing drugs. (crazed laugh) You can't test what's not there! We're also pleased to announce that our winner will receive enough money so they'll never have to teach again. (cheering) Good Lord, I may lose Edna forever. I've got to stop her from winning. Then she'll be broken, miserable and mine. Don't look back. Just keep driving. Seymour? Glad you're here. You can help me play 'Halloween Hit and Run.' Ooh, this game is going to get some disapproving clucks. But for now I need my tongue to talk to you. I don't want to lose Edna, so I need you to sabotage her chances of winning tonight. But I don't want to hurt Mrs K. All right, Bart, I didn't want to resort to this but... this drawing was found on the wall of Springfield Elementary late last week. All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner. That's pro bono. I know what I said. This is the worst thing I've ever done. Even worse than what I did in 'Nam. (mid-'60s rock playing) You're going to get your parade. Down my oesophagus. (deep sigh) So many categories. Gym Teacher of the Year, Substitute Teacher of the Year Most Wheelchair-Accessible School Award? Oh, who will take home the Rampy? ANNOUNCER: And now, to present our final award for Teacher of the Year, Little Richard. I love teachers. In fact, I'm a teacher. I taught Paul McCartney to go # Whoo! # 'Purple Rain.' Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up. We're down to our last three teachers, folks and the winner will be decided by one final question asked by the students who nominated them. (applause) (THINKS): I feel terrible, but this is the only way I can win Edna without upsetting Mother. (THINKS): He has the tiny hands of a chimp. And now Bart Simpson will ask a question to his teacher. 'W... wha... at.... 'Wa... wo...' Hurry up, son. I'm sorry. I can't read. Mrs Krabappel never taught me to read. (all gasping) Is this true, Edna? (dejected sigh) Oh, God, I've created a Prankenstein. Wait. That boy is lying. He's not illiterate. And he's good around the potty, too. I'm sorry, everyone. I perpetrated this charade. (groans) The boy can read and Edna Krabappel is the greatest teacher I have ever known. (gasps) If she can teach me to love, then she can teach anything. ALL: Ah! Seymour! Your feelings are ugly and wrong. Are you going to listen to her? Not on your life, Reverend. From now on, I'm my own man. I have waited to hear that for so long. And it gets better. Edna Krabappel... will you marry me? (gasps) Now, I must warn you, two months salary only bought me the ring box. Oh, here, honey, take one of mine. # Whoo! # Oh, I felt naked there for a minute. (gasps) Seymour, of course I'll marry you. Oh, great. Three in a bed. Since the show is running long, we'll go ahead and name a winner. (chanting): Edna... Edna... Julio Estudiante. An inner-city math teacher who taught teenage gang members that differential equations are more powerful than bullets. What a rip! You all should be ashamed! Well, I didn't win Teacher of the Year but I didn't go home empty-handed. Do you want to check out the bed of tomorrow... today? Oh, Seymour. (chuckling) I love happy endings. Well, here's ours. We're going to Disney World! (sirens wailing) (high-pitched voice over bullhorn): Step away from the wall. Step away from the wall. Oh, it's so beautiful. One churro, please. MAN: That'll be $14. (Homer screaming and crying) Here. # Ba, ba, ba, ba-ba-ba, Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba... # Boy those pies look good. Open your gullet, you human blob. Well, what do you think? (lively musical intro) What do I think of the pie? What do I think of the pie? # Goodness gracious, it's delicious, that's what I think of the pie. Because... # Should we follow him? I'm on vacation. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016