. # The Simpsons. # BRAKES SQUEAL Doh! Argh! BRAKES SCREECH Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (techno-pop music playing) WOMAN: Welcome to another episode of Padz, where we go inside the mega-mansions of today's hot young celebrities. This was today? The girl was supposed to call. Oh, let's get this over with. Here's the recliner where Don Adams and Shelley Winters made beautiful music together. Should be in a museum, but museums don't want it. And here's my pool. I don't swim, so that's where I throw my shrimp shells. Krustofsky! Why, look! It's my celebrity neighbour, Elliott Gould. Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lotion. Say hello to Bob... Ooh! and Carol... Aah! and Ted... Ooh! and Alice. Oh! KRUSTY: All right, Gould, and you keep your lousy dog off my lawn! Dear Diary... (gasps) "I have a crush on Kenny." (chuckles) That's me. You would like me, loser! (all laughing) MALE ANNOUNCER: Girls, don't let this happen to you. Get the Turbo Diary from Girltech. No one can read your secrets... except you. (mechanical voice): Unauthorised user. Access denied. (screaming) Turbo Diary, I love that I bought you. MAN: Get your Turbo Diary from Girltech. Girltech is a division of Boytech. Hey, I could really use one of those. No arguments here. Man, I really come off like a jerk in this thing. (humming) Mom, Dad, my birthday's coming up, and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now. Lisa, nobody likes a shill. Just buy me the friggin' toy. (chuckles) I love that little shill. Let's get her that diary. I agree. A girl should have her own private diary. I had to share mine with my uncle. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Dad, you can't eat all those free samples. We've got to get Lisa's present. Watch and learn. (grunting) (snorting) More... free... samples. Dad, you ate all the free samples. Now you're eating men's slacks. Eh, it's still better than Indian food. Oh. One Turbo Diary, please. Trying to keep those crushes secret, eh, Romeo? It's not for me. I'm not a girl, like you. Well played. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but I just sold the last Turbo Diary to that guy. Finally, Smithers, a device worthy of storing my top-secret enemies list. I'm ready, sir. Number one-- the Kingston Trio. Ooh! Number two... Unauthorised user! Access denied! (electrical sizzling and screaming) Oh! Now, what am I going to get Lisa? Sir, I can offer you this Tickle-Me-Krusty-- the most popular toy of 1999. I'm anatomically correct. Go ahead, take a peek. (squeaking) I wonder what Mommy's medicine tastes like. Lisa's not going to want that. Oh! What can I get her? Shop o' the mornin', Homer. Just call me "Mall" Flanders. (laughs) What are you buying? Jerk stuff? Oh, you betcha. This kiosk sells personalised movies. I had one made starring little Rod. (mechanical tune plays) MALE NARRATOR: Kiosk Productions presents... an outer space adventure starring you! One day, while flying your spaceship, you saw a planet and decided to land. NARRATOR'S VOICE: Greetings. I am Commander... FLANDERS: Rod. Welcome, earthling. What are your hobbies? NARRATOR'S VOICE: My hobbies include... FLANDERS: Being quiet during trips, clapping with songs and diabetes. Sounds like fun! Let's party! (lively, canned tune plays) Hey, your kid is in the movie! And the movie knows his name! Maybe Lisa will like this better than the diary. Stupid Flanders, you're a genius. A laser pointer. Thanks, Bart. It's really cool. You can point a red dot at people's crotches from really far away. Hmm. There appears to be a red dot on my trouser fronts. I'd better lower them. The dot also appears to be on my underpants. Well, down they go. (police siren) Hey, buddy, you better get that red dot checked out. My uncle died of crotch dot. OK, Lisa. Now, open the present from your father and me. Hmm, hmm. I wonder what this could be. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Could it be some kind of book? Well, yes and no. Mostly no. What? You were supposed to get her that stupid diary! But it's a personalised video about my favourite little star-- Lisa Simpson. Well, this could be fun. Let's watch it. (tinny music plays) FEMALE VOICE: Howdy, pardners. My name is Sheriff... HOMER'S VOICE: Lisa Simpson. I sure am hungry for my favourite food... HOMER'S VOICE: McNuggets. I don't like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian! Still? Then you're not going to like your other present. (cowboy theme plays) Why, it's my best friend... HOMER'S VOICE: Maggie. Huh? Bad news, Sheriff... HOMER'S VOICE: Lisa Simpson. Some Indians took all the... HOMER'S VOICE: McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. (Homer groaning happily) I'll get those no-good Indians. Just as sure as my favourite book is... HOMER'S VOICE: Magazines! (Homer snoring) BART: Wake up, Dad. Huh? What? Dad! That information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend. You don't know anything about me! (sobbing) Wh...? (door slamming) Maggie, you're her best friend. Go talk to her. (thudding) Oh, what have I done? Children don't remember bad birthdays, do they? (sighing) Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. z1 Good morning, honey. Did you cry out all your angries? I don't think so. Oh, Lisa's still mad at me. I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an axe. I did it for the insurance money. Hmph! Look, Lisa, I'm still trying to get to know you. Who's your favourite Traveling Wilbury? Is it Jeff Lynne? Dad, you've had eight years to get to know me. It's too late. (tyres screech) But I'm full of questions. What's your favourite cigar size? Is it Robusto? Is it?! LENNY: Gee, Homer... you sure look sad. Yeah. At least you ain't ageing six years for every one 'cause of your cow heart. Oh, my daughter hates me because I don't know anything about her. Ah. Well, whenever I got to know something about a broad, I use this guy. This detective is unbelievable. He can learn more about a chick by digging through one garbage can than you could from years of intimacy. He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night. Turns out I have severe schizophrenia. Well, if hiring this guy will make Lisa like me again, then I'll do it. Can I get this beer to go? Sure. Maybe someday I'll turn into a swan. (sighs) Ah, God. (jazz theme plays) (tyres squeal) (electrical buzzing) (door squeaks) Drunk Cop? Is that you? No. Look lower. Ooh! Pie. What can I do for you? My name is Homer Simpson, and I desperately need your help. Let me guess. It's about a girl. (gasps): How did you know? It's always a dame. Usually with gams that don't quit... till they get to the shoes, and then they're only napping. (chuckles) Priceless. I need you to find out everything about my daughter so she'll think I'm a good dad. OK, I'll get a line on your kid. I charge 50 bucks a day, plus expenses. Anything to trick my daughter into liking me. Now, if you need to reach me, my e-mail is chunkylover53@aol. "Chunky... lover... 53?" It's one word. One word. Chunkylover53. At AOL. Dot com. (jazz theme plays) (camera shutter clicks) (floor waxer whirring) Hey, that's not your locker. You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler. Movin' on. (whistling) I need to see Lisa Simpson's permanent record. I'm afraid that information is confidential. These are some nice-looking papers on your desk. It would be a shame if somebody shuffled them. You wouldn't dare. Oh, wouldn't I? (scoffs) I could easily put them back in their original order. Oh, really? (echoing scream) No! You're late, Muntz. Get bent, Shamus. I got what you're looking for. Nice. Very nice. Now, give me back what's mine. (sighs) My picture with Snow White. You know, she's just an actress. Shut up! Some of us prefer illusion to despair. (horn honks) Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school. Yes, yes, you said that already. What else do you know? I once picked my nose till it bleeded. About Lisa! Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school. Someone's already worked this guy over. (horn whistling) Ah, the information I've been waiting for. So far, so good. (mumbling) (gasps) Lisa's pet peeve is phonies?! I thought she loved them! (jazz playing) Huh? Is that Miles Davis' Birth of the Cool? You should know. It is your favourite album. So you know one thing about me. Big deal. (record scratching) Wait, wait! I thought you might like to go to an animal rights protest today. Well, maybe. On the way home, we could stop and get your favourite treat: ice... ...cream. What do we want? ALL: The gradual phaseout of animal testing over the next three years! When do we want it? Over the next three years! Uh, young lady, why are you protesting today? Because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals. Take a look for yourself. They're making monkeys smoke cigarettes. (exhales) (contented sigh) And look at the way they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics! So sad, yet so sexy, yet so delicious. Mmm... Dad, today was so great. The animal rights protest, a visit to the Museum of Sadness and Oppression... Well, we should get along. I mean, after all, I am your... father. How'd you think of such perfect things for us to do? Did Mom help you? Mom? Don't you think I could read the report by myself? What report? Uh-uh, well, "report" is a Daddy word that means "loves his daughter." You read the "loves his daughter" by yourself? That's right, honey. (door opens) You did it! Lisa thinks I'm the greatest. I might even put you to work on Bart and Maggie-- go superdad on all their asses! I believe there's still the matter of my expenses. Oh, yes. Well, let's take a look and see. A thousand dollars?! How did you spend $1000?! It's itemised. A $40 steak?! Yeah, but if I'd eaten the whole thing, it would've been free. You've been living like a king on my dollar. Superunleaded gas... silver bullets? Early on I was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf. It didn't pan out. I can't believe a man who agreed to follow my daughter around-- for money-- would turn out to be a dirtbag. You better pay up, Simpson. (grunting) (whimpering) You'll regret the day you crossed Dexter Colt! You'll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place! (grunting) # Colour him father # # I think I'll colour him love # # Colour him love...# Breaking news at the Screaming Monkey Research Labs, where hundreds of test animals have been freed by unknown activists. Chief Wiggum, do you have a statement? Uh, yes. Yes, I do, Kent. This is a horrible crime ` one that... (laughter) Cut it out, Lou. I... he's making funny faces. Sorry, Chief. One of these monkeys has the same name as my ex-wife. (laughs) Chief, do you have any suspects at this time? Well, we do have several promising clues. Ah, let's see... there's a "Malibu Stacy" scrunchie, a saxophone reed and a book report on The Secret Garden by Lisa Simpson. What does this tell you, Chief? Well, apparently, there's a secret garden in all of us. And that Lisa Simpson is guilty! (all gasping) I was framed! You believe me, don't you, Dad? Of course I do. It's all my fault for refusing to pay... (nervous laugh): ...pay attention to you. My sweet little, father-loving pile of forgiveness. Yes! (knocking) Can Lisa come out with her hands up? Chief Wiggum, my daughter is innocent until proven guilty. (tyres squeal) Would an innocent person flee? No, really. Tell me. I-I honestly don't know. Chief, no. Chief, no. Even I knew that. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not... I'm not good. You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might park securely at work. You may not drive your car to work at all. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: (sirens wailing) (tyres screeching) (sirens stop) Heh, heh. They're trapped. Oh, dammit! Oh, I can't stop worrying about Homer and Lisa. Aw, Mom. This will take your mind off them. (grunts) Oh, thank you, sweetie. (humming) (glass shattering) NEWSCASTER: Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants and a fair-haired girl in a red lampshade. Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad. I look just like a Powerpuff Girl. I look just like Elvis. Aw. (car approaching) (tyres screeching) Names, please? Lady Penelope Ariel-Ponyweather. Uh... Rock Strongo. Your real name? Uh... Lance Uppercut. Thank you. Sign here, Mr. Uppercut. Let me just put on my glasses. You're charging how much for a room?! (phone ringing) Hello? HOMER (phoney voice): Hello, this is a phone survey. If the election were held today, would you vote for A) the cops are there, or B) you're free to talk? Uh, "A". And I'd like to add that Proposition "Hug Lisa for Me" has my full support. No, Marge, you're not getting it. It's me, Homer. Simpson. (chuckles nervously) We got a location, Chief. Good work, Lou. We'll leave right after dinner. Lisa, this is from your mom. (grunts) Aah... Life on the lam is really hard, but at least it's with you, Dad. I feel terrible for putting you through this after what a wonderful father you've been. Oh... Lisa, I can't lie to you any longer. This is all my fault. I'm the worst dad in the world. What? Why? The man who framed you is a crooked detective. Who I hired. Why did you do that? To find out everything about you so I'd seem like a good father. How could you? Well, all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a great idea. Let's just get some sleep. All right, Simpsons, the jig is up! We know you're in there! HOMER: OK, I'm coming right out the door. Dammit! These windows are so hard to squeeze through! (Homer grunts) Cheer up, honey. We're living an all natural existence-- the kind you like. Ooh, a trash can. We'll find breakfast in here. I don't want to eat from the trash. Ooh, a banana. What the...? It's full of cigarette butts. So is this one. They must've come from over there. (circus calliope playing) Those are the test animals. The detective must've sold them to the circus. We'll just tell the police, and then I'm back to being plain ol' Rock Strongo. COLT: You're not telling nobody nothing. Make one move and you'll get a bellyful of The Flying Giuseppe. How you doing? Dexter Colt. The man who framed my daughter. You should've paid the expenses. In retrospect, yes. (gasping) (loud explosion) (grunting) Ooh, I think that fixed my back. (cracking) Oh... oh, no, no. It's much worse. (fretful moaning) I'll just hide here. (shrieks) (shrieks) (electrical crackling) (laughing) Now what are you going to do? You can't shoot all of us. (gunshot) Dammit! You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office, I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors. Dad, are you in here? How did she find us? Oh, Lisa has excellent hearing. Once, when she was three, I was quietly sobbing in the closet and she found me. Oh, Dad, you do remember something about me. Perhaps you also remember this laser Bart gave me earlier. (screams) (grunts) I can't see! How ironic. Now he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see. Well, it wasn't easy, honey, but I'm glad you love me again. Yeah. But what's going to happen to the animals? Don't worry, honey. I released them all into the wild. (monkeys chattering, pigs squealing) Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again, I'm not going to let you sleep in the sty no more. Duly noted. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 BART: Hey, Dad, will you read me a bedtime story? HOMER: Why, certainly, son. Just hand me that book you've got there. (mechanical voice): Unauthorised user. Access denied! (electrical zapping, Homer yelling, Bart laughing) Shh.